04x22 - Near d*ck Experience

[bunniefuu]

Harry: hi. Reservation
for solomon.

Right this way.

Uh, you must be new here.

That's our table.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. That
table's reserved.

That's right. Reserved for us.

Sir, this is a gas receipt.

3 Gallons worth.

Uh, look, do you
want this to get ugly?

'Cause, um... Ahem...

I am jonesing for some ugly.

I'm sorry, but that table

Is reserved for
the owner tonight.

Maybe you don't know
who you're talking to.

When I come here on my birthday,

I get a free entree,

When I buy an entree,

Providing I pay...

For the more expensive entree!

Just give us the table, you
cow-murdering bastard, or I swear I'll...

Whoa!

Did you see that?!

My god, we could
have been k*lled!

But we weren't, tommy.

We weren't.

We're alive.

We are.

Thank god we
didn't get that table.

Bless you for being such a jerk!

Thanks, jackass!

Look at the way
that tree divides...

2 Enormous trees
coming from one.

I believe they call that
the crotch of the tree.

Why do you think the
tree decided to do that?

Like each piece is
taking its own path.

Yeah, each exploring
its own destiny.

But still united,

Right there in the crotch.

How did we never
notice that crotch?

Tommy, it's not just
the crotch, you see?

I mean, it's like I'm seeing
everything for the first time.

What are you guys doing on
the roof at 3:00 in the morning?

What are we doing,
d*ck? We're living.

Yeah.

At 3 a.m., You
should be sleeping.

We've been asleep for years.

We're finally awake.

You know, we were
almost k*lled tonight, d*ck.

What? That's awful!

Oh, no, no, no. It
is so wonderful.

Do you remember
when we first landed

And everything seemed
so fresh and new and alive?

Well, that's how
we feel right now.

Oh, wow. Look at those lights.

Ooh. I feel like

They're piercing my soul.

Oh, yeah.

The flashing lights around
the big liquor mart sign?

Lights that insist on shining
even in the dark of night.

Directing you to
buy discount liquor?

Ooh, whoa! I just
realized something.

We're all wearing
shirts. How great is that?

Ooh, my blue looks
pretty in the moonlight.

Who came up with shirts?

But they're just shirts.
We always wear shirts.

Remember when
we were that blind?

How sad.

All right, here's a list
of the gear you'll need

For the staff retreat
on mount digney.

This'll be fun.

Are there gonna
be snakes out there?

If you're asking if
my lawyer's coming,

The answer is no.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Look at this paper clip.

I'm looking.

This must be the most extraordinary
paper clip I've ever seen.

Why?

Well, look at it.

I feel like it's
piercing my soul.

It's piercing your soul?

Yeah. Why not?

You know what your problem is?

You take everything for granted.

Don't you all wish
you could be like me,

Seeing everything
for the first time?

Huh? Well, don't you?

Ok, tell me what
you see exactly.

Well, this paper clip is...

An unusual-type specimen.

It's gray, uh...

Slightly curlier than yours.

Oh, I'm such a fraud!

I don't even like paper clips!

Leave me alone!

Tommy! Tommy, listen!

I've been thinking.

I have spent my entire time on
this planet being mean to people.

All I have been doing
is spreading fear.

That's true.

Yeah. So, I have decided now

I'm just gonna help people,

People like these
poor, miserable souls.

Look.

That's the cast of les miz.

Sally, listen up.

If poor folks and
losers are your bag,

Then go out there and help 'em.

Follow your dream.

I-i've never heard you
talk like this, harry.

Harry? Ahh...

Harry let other
people define him.

Harry let other people

Tell harry who harry was.

Well, a chandelier
fell on harry.

Harry's dead.

Then who are you? Me?

I'm a.j.

It's nice to meet you, a.j.

d*ck: hey, guys!

Hey, hey, hey, guys!

I... I can't find joy
in this paper clip.

I'm not missing anything, am i?

So little...

But so much. It's beautiful.

Oh, god.

What is it? I don't get it.

What am I not seeing?

Alissa: hello!

Alissa! Hey.

Hi! Ohh... Hi. Oh!

Did you wash your hands?

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Yeah, it's good to see you, too.

I love you so
much. Come with me.

There's a crotch I
want to show you.

Bless you, miss sally.

Oh, no, chester. Bless you.

Sally. Hi, don.

It's so nice to see you down
here at the mission helping out.

Oh, well, hey, you
know, it's a whole new me.

I've decided I'm gonna
devote my whole life to this.

Well, that's great, sally.

How about some chicken
vegetable and double crackers?

It's for them.

Oh, of course.

Oh, don.

Thank you so much
for helping out.

Well, you know,
you do what you can.

Thanks.

Get your hands
off that. Come on.

So, uh, you
volunteering, too, harry?

The name's a.j.

No, it's not. Yes, it is.

I know who I am. You
know who you are?

I'm don.

Well, if you think you're
don, you will be don.

I know I'm don.

Well, there you go.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
dreams, people.

There is no limit to what you
can accomplish in your dreams...

No boundaries, no fear.

But then what happens?

You wake up, and
the dream is gone.

It's over.

Now, what I'm talking about

Is dreaming the
possible dream. Yeah?

What is your dream, sir?

I... I always wanted
to play the piano.

Well, who's stopping ya?

You are stopping you.

The only person standing

Between you and
your dream is you.

I don't have a piano.

Well, I don't have a piano.

Look at me. Hasn't held me back.

Ok, so you weren't
k*lled by a chandelier.

What's the big deal?

Well, don't you see?

I mean, there are chandeliers
hanging over our heads

Everywhere that
we go in this world.

There are?

Yeah. Ok, so the chandelier

Can come in many forms.

I mean, it could be
something as horrifying

As the bite of a diseased rat

Or as whimsical
as an open manhole.

I guess I just never heard
that expression before.

Yeah, ok, but the point is

That every time I see you,

It could be the last time.

You know, every kiss
could be our last kiss.

Tommy, did a rat bite you?

Alissa strudwick...

Will you marry me?

Shut up. No. Marry me.

No, get up off the floor.

Ok, well, if we're
gonna get married,

You're gonna have to
stop bossing me around.

Shut up!

Why does this world
leave me so cold?

Why does it hide
its beauty from me?

Hey!

Get away from that daffodil,
you stupid hummingbird!

d*ck, we still haven't
gotten your release form

For the staff retreat.

Oh, that.

We need an accurate head count

To get 10% off on parking.

You're holding us back, d*ck.

Why should I go?

So the sunset can bore me?

So a marmot can lick
my oblivious face?

So I can be so lost in my ennui

That I fall off a
cliff and... And...

And nearly plummet to my...

I'm in!

What are you so
damn excited about?

I'm in! I'm going on
that camping trip,

And I am going to have a
near-death experience if it kills me!

Thank you, miss sally.

Oh, please.

Your patheticness has shown me

How fortunate I am, so...

For that, I thank you.

A chandelier fell on
harry, but who walked out?

A.j. A.j. A.j.

That's right.

Let me break it
down for you, people.

Have any of you ever felt
like a sl*ve to your job?

No. No. No.

Sometimes I do.

Come on, rico.

I do.

Stop planting ideas
in his head, harry.

The name's a.j.

And I don't plant ideas.

The seeds are already there...

The seeds of your dreams.

I just bring 'em on
out into the sunshine.

Well, let's take you, don.

You're a cop. You
carry a loaded g*n.

Yeah.

But you're not
superbright, now, are you?

No... Wait a minute!

Not bright, loaded g*n...
You'll be lucky if you see 30.

Ha. I'm way past that now.

No, don! This is
not who you are!

This is not your life.

It isn't?

No.

What do you know about
a place called bhutan?

I think they shut 'em
down for serving dog.

No, rico. It's a kingdom
in the himalayas.

They speak tibetan

And value a little thing
called self-realization.

Would you like to
realize yourself, don?

Well, it sounds good in theory.

Then go!

Go to bhutan!

Follow your destiny!

I'm going to bhutan!

Rico!

We were supposed
to go to cocoa beach!

Rico!

♪ One bottle of
beer on the wall ♪

♪ One bottle of beer ♪

♪ You take it down
and pass it around ♪

♪ There'll be no more
bottles of beer on the wall ♪

All right.

We'll head to the
mountain at 8 a.m. Sharp.

Any questions?

Uh, yes. As we climb,

Will you point out any crevasses
that I might plummet into?

I will!

There's nothing like that here.

Well, i-is there a
dead man's anything?

You see, I'm looking
for the kind...

Shut up, d*ck!

All right, I'm turning in.

Oh, and a word to the wise:

Everybody put your
food in the bear bags.

This is bear country.

Thank you, vincent.

Nina: good night.

Good night, vincent.

Good night, mary.

d*ck, what are you
doing with that sandwich?

Vincent just said
that was dangerous.

Well, you know what
I love about bears.

They'll almost
k*ll you every time.

No, d*ck, they will
k*ll you every time.

They will?

Good night, vincent.

Ok, tommy, I'm really sorry.

I never meant to hurt
your feelings, you know.

It's just that we're so
young. We have plenty of time.

It's all right.

I mean, you can't understand
where I'm coming from

'Cause you haven't experienced
what I've experienced, so...

Now, why don't you try some
perfectly ordinary peanut brittle?

Tommy, that's a can
full of fake snakes.

What are you talking abou... It says
peanut brittle right on the front.

Listen. [Clunking]

When you shake it, it sounds
like there's peanut brittle inside.

Go ahead.

All right.

Aah! Snakes!

They're gonna k*ll you!

All right, well, what
if those were real?

Well, I would hope you
wouldn't have offered them to me.

Yeah, but... But the point is

That there's deadly peanut
brittle out there for everybody.

Yeah, I know, peanut brittle
and chandeliers everywhere,

And that's why I
have to marry you.

Yes! Good! I'm glad
you're coming around.

No, that's not
what I was saying.

Look, I love you. Don't make
me cut your brake lines.

Ok, now you're threatening me?

No! No, no. No, no, no, no. I...

I just want you to be
sufficiently scared

So that you
understand that... That...

Every moment of
life is so precious,

And... And every moment
that I'm not with you,

You know, it's like
a moment wasted.

Ok.

That's really sweet.

Ha.

So you'll marry me?

No.

Is your harness secure?

Not especially.

And that's the way I like it.

One of the thrills of climbing

Is never knowing when your
gear is going to crap out.

d*ck, the other
group is over there.

Why are we going this way?

No, we're leaving
the pack behind.

Cat's eye peak awaits.

You know, the whole point
of these faculty outings

Is not really an intense climb,

More like a brisk walk followed
by a nice, long happy hour.

This could be dangerous.

Yes, but, mary, I have to
perch on the teeth of death

In order to stare down onto
the tonsils of enlightenment.

What, do you have
some kind of death wish?

Actually, it's more
of a near-death wish,

But if we rule out death,

I really think it undercuts
the experience, you know.

Oh, my god. I'm
climbing a mountain

Tied to a suicidal maniac!

Help me! Help me!

Mary! Mary! Please,
mary! Help me! Help me!

Remember what judith said.

Any loud noise can
cause an avalanche.

[Thump, dust falling]

Yodel-oh-ooh-hoo!

Oh, shh! Shh!

Ah-yodel-oh-ooh-hoo!

Hey! You b*rned me.

Sorry. Here.

Have an extra bread.

Thanks for nothing.

Man, this is really
starting to get old.

Hey, a.j.,

You know, I've always dreamed
of working in the movie industry.

Can you help me out?

Uh, yeah. I'm gonna call warren
beatty for you right now.

A.j., Everybody says
you're a real inspiration.

Tell me, how did you
change your life?

You know, you guys, I told this
story, like, a million times already.

Why don't you ask
one of these guys?

They don't seem
to be doin' nothin'.

Hey, sally, can I have that
people when you're done with it?

Uh, I'm stuck on a crossword.

It's gonna be a while. Oh.

Hey, guys.

Isn't it great to be alive?

Yeah. I feel electric.

Yeah. Carpe freakin' diem.

Ha ha! Ha...

Uh, who are we
kiddin'? It's over.

I was just faking it so I
wouldn't harsh your buzz.

Hi, guys.

I just came to say good-bye.

Where you going, don?

The name's not don.

It's skip.

And I'm going to bhutan!

No way!

What?!

Why?

Self-realization.

Oh. Yeah.

Are you sure this is
what you wanna do, don?

I'm sure I spent $4,000
on a package deal.

Well, when are we
gonna see you again?

Maybe never.

Maybe in 3 weeks.

Probably in 3 weeks.

Oh, don't be mad!

I'm not mad!

d*ck, stop what
you're doing right now!

I don't care about
your adrenaline high!

I want to live!

I want to live!

You'll live like never before.

Imagine tasting a
blueberry for the first time

Every time!

Forward!

You're not taking me with you!

There we go!

The gaping maw of the unknown!

I'm one fingerhold
away from death

And thus life!

Hi, guys.

I left the watermelon
in the car. Stupid.

I'm coming with you.

Nooo!

Yes!

What?

The answer is yes.

I ask you a question?

You asked me to marry you.

Oh!

Right!

Wow! All right.

Well, um, that's
super-duper there.

You were just so intense.

I couldn't get what you
were saying out of my head,

So I asked my mother, my priest,
allison, kristina, and brittany,

And they all said
no, but... But I say yes!

W-w-w-wait. You didn't
listen to your mother?

I mean, I don't know
if I can marry a girl

Who doesn't listen
to her mother.

Tommy, are you telling me
you've changed your mind?

No, hardly. I'm just saying that
we have to carefully consider...

You've changed your mind. Yeah.

I'm an idiot. You know,
this is why I said no twice.

No, but, alissa, i...

But then I started
thinking, you know,

About how much I like you
and how great we are together

And how I'd never
want to lose that.

And sure, it's impulsive,

But some of the greatest things
you could do in life are impulsive,

And, I mean, think
about it, tommy,

We could wake up every morning
together in each other's arms forever.

God, I'm a moron!

Alissa, will you marry me?

No!

Look, d*ck, i... I don't
care what you do.

You can skydive, bungee-jump,

Go over niagara falls on
a pogo stick for all I care.

Just don't drag me along.

I would think you'd be a
little more grateful, mary.

I wanted you to
share my experience.

Thank you.

Thank you for the gift of death.

It's the thought that counts.

If you wanna go pick flowers,

Pick flowers in
a nice, safe park.

Oh, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

There's a train.

Oh, I've seen trains before.

They no longer hold
any excitement for me.

d*ck!

Aah!

Ahh.

Ohh.

M-mary, are you all right?

Yes.

Oh, my god. That train
could have k*lled us.

We were inches away from death!

Look what you did to my car!

But we're alive!
Mary, we're alive!

d*ck, do you smell gas?

Yes. I feel like I'm smelling
it for the first time.

We're alive!

Nice night, isn't it?

Eh...

Great news!

I blew up mary's car!

Now I can see life like
you do, with aliveness.

I'm not actually sure
"aliveness" is a word.

It is now.

Come, roll with me in the
dewy scent of the night jasmine.

You know, what's weird is...
Is you can smell it every night,

You know what I'm saying?

What's sally
talking about, a.j.?

A.j. Was full of crap.

Heart of gold, full of crap.

Hey, guys, I just had another
near-death experience.

Alissa's father
found out I proposed,

And he came after me with a bat.

So you can still
be in my soul posse.

Uh, it didn't really
work the second time.

But look...

In the distance I see the shining
brilliance of the liquor mart sign.

Remember this moment, d*ck.

God, I wish I could
see with your clarity.

Can you make out if those
tall boys are still on sale?

Wow, this place must be good.

Look at the line.

Yeah. Wonder what
soup they've got.

I've been hankering for a
nice lobster bisque all day.

Come on, chester, move it along.

We got hungry people here.

Yeah. Some of us have jobs
to get back to, all right?