04x23 - d*ck's Big Giant Headache: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

So, junior prom, eh?

It's held in the gymnasium?

Yeah. It's gonna be great.

Mm-hmm. That sounds
really romantic.

You know, I spend
5 days a week there

Having hulking football players

Yank my underpants up my cr*ck.

Tommy, listen to me.

I've always dreamed
of going to my prom.

I've been looking
forward to it for years.

So if you ruin it for me,

I'll yank your
underpants up your cr*ck.

This is a side of
you that I like.

Hey, hon, what
are you looking at?

Oh, my god! You're
going to your prom?

Yeah. What's wrong?

Well, it's just... See, I
never got to go to my prom.

It was supposed to be the
most beautiful night of my life.

Just me and freddy steckel.

Like in your tattoo?

But something terrible
happened that night.

Freddy never
made it to my house.

As he was getting into his car

In his driveway,

His wife caught him

And made him come back inside.

That's sad.

I still have my pretty
prom dress in my closet.

Sure, now it's old... Faded...

Stained with my tears.

Do you wanna see it?

Ok, sure.

Well, wait a second.
What about me?

Oh, great. I guess I
just have to stand here

And twiddle my...

Incoming message
from the big giant head.

d*ck, sally! It's
the big giant head!

The big giant head has
evaluated your mission,

And you have been issued a
score based on the color scale

Of the visible light
spectrum. What?

Your mission has
been adjudged orange.

Hey, that's great!

Orange is very bad.

On a scale of 1
to 10, it's, like, a 2.

Oh! Damn!

To reevaluate your mission,

The big giant head is
on his way to earth.

He will arrive tomorrow between
the earth hours of 9 a.m. And 3:30 p.m.

Someone from the mission
must be home during this time.

Transmission
ending in 3, 2, 1...

Ah-choo!

The big giant head
is coming here? Why?

To tear us 4 new ones.

But we just got these.

He's gonna yell.

There will be lots of
yelling, and then the hitting.

How dare he?

He's never even
been to this planet.

He has no idea how
hard it is to be a human.

Wait. "Be a human"?

My god, you guys.

Maybe that's our problem.

We've become too damn human!

What are you
talking about, sally?

You see? "Sally."

You used to call
me "lieutenant."

Well, we've adapted!

We're emulating an earth family.

Earth families don't refer
to each other by rank.

They use more familiar terms,

Like "you" and "bastard."

And "you bastard."

Thanks to you guys, our
mission might be canceled.

Us?!

Well, what about you?

You separated
yourself from the mission

By moving into
your own apartment!

Huh. Ok. Well,
how about the fact

That you decided to
father a baby with vicki

Despite the distinct possibility

It might explode
out of her stomach

And eat the doctor's face off?

If there were any tentacles,

It would show up
in the sonogram.

Will you two stop fighting?

You have both taken
unacceptable risks.

Lieutenant, I order you
to move back in with us.

Harry, you will not
father an earth baby.

What am I supposed
to tell vicki?

Just deal with it!

I'm the high
commander. That's final.

Yeah, well, if I were
a high commander,

I'd turn a hose on
you and albright.

Well, you're not.

Besides, I'm sure once the
big giant head meets mary,

He will find her to be a
suitable use of my time.

What's the look?

Oh, good. Mary, here you are.

Listen. An old friend of mine

Is coming to town.

Great guy, really great,

And I'm really
hoping he'll like you.

Don't you mean you're
hoping I'll like him?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Who is this guy?

He's an old college friend.

Now, when he gets here,

You're not gonna
start talking explicitly

About our sex life, are you?

Of course not.

Well, that's the thing.

You see, I'm kinda
gonna need you to.

Try to bring up how great I am

And also mention
how much I've learned.

You want me to talk
about our sex life

So you can impress
an old college chum?

Yes. And don't be
afraid to embellish.

Every time you're about
to describe something,

Multiply it by 2 first.

d*ck, why are you so insecure?

You're fine in bed.

Ok. Multiply it by 2.

You're great in bed.

Multiply by 4.

You are a stallion.

The merest touch of your hand

Ignites an unquenchable
inferno in my loins.

Yes, 4! 4! Do it!

Could I just hear 5? No!

Ok. 4! 4 Is good.

Hey, doug.

What's the deal
with these things?

They're pickled eggs.

Can i?

That's pretty good.

Uh, doug. You gotta help
me out with something, ok?

When I ask if I can take
off early, you just say,

"No, you gotta stay late and
purge the soda valves," ok?

Ok.

Hi, harry.

Hi, vicki. Egg?

Baby, come on. You know
I've already got an egg.

Oh, right! You mean...

Say, doug.

Mind if I knock off a
little early tonight?

Sorry, harry. I need you
to purge the soda valves.

But come on, doug.

Can't you see we got plans?

Sorry, harry. I need you
to purge the soda valves.

What, you're forcing me to stay?

Yeah.

Well, thanks a lot,
you son of a bitch!

Oh, boy! Just because
you're so unhappy in your life,

You gotta make
other people feel bad?

Oh, yeah! Walk away!

Walk away!

♪ We've got tonight ♪

♪ Who needs to know? ♪

♪ We've got tonight... ♪

That's it.

Just sway to the music.

Hey, stop it!

Well, excuse me for
trying to simulate

An actual prom-type situation!

I just need help with
the dancing part, ok?

Let's just do it again.

Ok, but this time you be alissa.

Ok.

Wait. Why am I being alissa?

Because I'm tired
of being alissa.

Yeah, but at the prom,
I'm gonna be tommy.

Don't worry about it.

What are you doing?!

I'm just trying to prepare you.

Tommy might try that.

I would not try
that. Yes, you would.

Yeah, I would.

I wish I were dancing
with vicki right now.

But thanks to the big
giant stupid head, I can't.

[Crying] oh, it's ok.

Hey, I'll be vicki.
Sorry. Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

I'll come back.

We're just practicing
for the prom.

Oh, the prom.

One of the most grueling
nights of the year

For us boys in blue.

How come?

How come?

Prom night has all the
ingredients of a tragedy.

Take a couple of teenagers,

Throw in a bottle of scotch

Lifted from daddy's
liquor cabinet,

Stir in a dash of loud music,

And you've got a
deadly cocktail.

I thought that was a
long island iced tea.

Do those have teenagers in them?

No.

Then it isn't!

Hi, don. How are ya doin'?

I just need to talk to tommy
and harry for a second.

Why is there a nonessential
human in this house?

It's just don.

Officer don. Use your heads.

There's an officer of earth law in
our headquarters! [Telephone ringing]

Don: it's the phone.

Yeah, oh great.

Be a dear and get
it, would you, don?

Thanks. Bye now.

Ok, listen. Any minute now,

That door could open and in
could walk the big giant head!

The big giant head?

The big giant head is here?!

No! No!

Ok.

Call me when he gets here.

That was the airline.

Airline?

Yeah, you're expecting somebody?

Well, they wound up in
east rutherford, new jersey,

Instead of rutherford, ohio.

[Squeals]

Anyway, he's on
a flight here now.

To the airport! Let's go!

Do you see him yet?

See who? We have no idea

What kind of body
he formed into.

This is so frustrating.

He could be any of these people.

So his head will be smaller?

Yes, his head'll be smaller.

d*ck, what are you doing?

You can't be too careful.

I love you people!

I love your airplane.

I love to fly.

Does it show?

Look at this loser.

Hello!

Is this any way to greet
your supreme leader?

Welcome, o great
and glorious leader,

Whose presence in which we,

Your humble and
insignificant subordinates

Are barely worthy of basking.

Right.

This is some body I picked out.

Pretty good, eh?

Nice abs.

So, how was your trip, sir?

Horrifying, at first.

I looked out the window,

And I saw something
on the wing of the plane.

The same thing happened to me!

Anyway, to calm me down,

They gave me something
called... Alcohol.

We never would have known.

Let's get on a flight to
jersey and get another round.

No, no, you don't have to, sir.

That bar over there
serves alcohol.

Hot diggity!

I love this planet already.

How long are we
gonna stand like this?

Until he wakes up
and sees the respect

We're giving him, soldier.

Well, I hope it's soon,

'Cause my deodorant's
crapping out on me.

Oh... My... God!

What the hell happened?

[All shouting] good
morning, sir! Ha!

Who's that pounding on my head?

I will find him and destroy him.

It's a limitation of these
primitive bodies, sir.

It comes from too much alcohol.

Well, it's a design flaw!
Fix it immediately! Yes, sir!

Hello, hello, hello.

Who's this?

Hi. I'm mamie dubcek.
We met last night.

You were out in the bushes,

And sally was holding your head.

Yes, I ordered her to do that.

I chased away the cat.

I got you a mint.

The yelling will cease,

Or the k*lling will commence!

Ah, I thought
there'd be a hangover

In the house today.

Here you go. A
little hair of the dog.

Has this got, uh,
some of that alcohol?

Well, it's a bloody mary.

Ah-um!

It's going to be a golden day.

Mrs. Dubcek, this
is my old friend...

Stone.

Stone phillips.

Like that guy on dateline?

No.

Can I have another?

Yes. I'll be right back.

Good. I think, sir,

That you will find
our mission to be in...

Whoa!

These feel good.

Those would be your legs, sir.

How nimble they are.

Yes, sir. Now if I could
direct your attention

To the living quarters...

Oh, that was fun!

Yes, sir, very good. I also...

Admire your footwork, sir.

Oh, that is so much fun!

Come on, everybody, join in.

Sir!

With all due
respect, I feel it is...

Lieutenant! When you
talk to me, straighten up.

May I commend you on
the form you've taken?

Thank you, sir!

d*ck? Sir!

My stomach is making
that noise again.

Get me something to fill it.

Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

Sir, I have some ideas

On how to increase the
efficiency of the mission

If you'd like to hear them.

What I'd like to hear

Is how you get around

On those long
earth legs of yours.

Excellent work.
Excellent, excellent.

I appreciate that, sir.

Would you like to
kick me with them?

Uh... No, thank you, sir!

Perhaps later?

Fine!

Sir!

You two!

You're going to bathe me.

[Both weakly] yes, sir.

I call washing the top half.

Screw that.

What the hell have you
been doing here all this time?

Well, I've been working a lot

On my relationship with mary.

For 3 and a half years?!

Establishing an emotional
bond with a human

Is a huge accomplishment.

Most humans can't
even achieve it.

Really?

d*ck, that's extremely
underwhelming.

If you only understood how
much I've actually achieved...

Oh, I try to understand,

And I've been sending
you a lot of messages,

But you have got no answer!

d*ck, why is this door locked?!

Oh! Oh, good. It's mary!

You'll see. She accepts
and trusts me completely.

Why the hell did
you lock the door?

Are you going
through my stuff again?

I love you, too, mary.

Could you come over here?

I'd like you to meet
my old friend stone.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I don't like you. Excuse me?

Let's go. I want
something else to taste.

Is there such a
thing as macaroni?

Did he just say
he didn't like me?

Yes, but you just
don't understand

His crazy sense of humor.

He's a nut.

Why don't the
three of us go out,

Have some macaroni and alcohol,

And you can get to
know mary better.

If I have to.

But who's this
delicious mocha number?

Excuse me?

I love the round part
at the top of the legs.

Oh, yeah? Well, what
do you think of my hand?

These are fun, too!

Ok. Let's get going!

Par-tay!

Orange you glad I
didn't say banana?

I don't get it.

Mary can explain it to you.

I... I...

Harry, I'm gonna need
3 more tequila sunrises

And a couple of more
knock-knock jokes.

d*ck, listen. You have
got to calm down.

Calm down? Do you want
him to banish us into space

In one of those big
flat mirror things

Like in superman ii?

d*ck, that's not real.

It looked real.

So, stone... Quite a little
lady I got here, huh?

I see no glaring defects.

Well, I do have this
crooked earlobe.

Oh, my god.

That's disgusting.

I was joking!

Now it's all I can see!

d*ck?

Ooh!

Now look what you've done!

The man is a jackass!

Why do you want to impress him?

I'm not trying to impress him.

Look, we'll get you a
nice floppy hat for that.

Yeah, when you
do, give me a call!

Mary! But, mary!

Hello, there. May I join you?

Have a seat.

These are mine. Get our own.

Hi, harry. There you are.

Oh, hi, vicki.

Harry, is something wrong?

It feels like you've
been avoiding me.

Oh, no.

Harry!

Harry solomon, do
you or do you not

Wanna be the father of my baby?

Look, vicki, it's just a
really big responsibility,

And I feel like I have to think

About my career first.

Baby, you do not have a career!

And yet you expect me
to provide for a baby.

Oh, what, are you
gonna have a career?

Yeah!

Ok, now that's just hurtful.

You know that I'm not designed
to live in your 9-to-5 world.

Oh, baby. The world
is such a mess,

What with the
craziness in texas and...

Africa... Canadians
and their whole thing.

Let's just give it a week,
see if things clear up.

Harry solomon...

I do not even know you!

[All singing]

Get me some drinks.

Yes, sir!

Hey, d*ck.

Rough night here tonight, huh?

Why would you say that?

Well, there've been
some complaints.

Public urination, verbal
harassment, lewdness...

And more public urination.

It could be anybody here, don.

Well, I'm kinda
bettin' it's that guy.

Kick! Kick!

Higher! As though
your life depended on it!

Higher! Go!

Uh, don, I'd like you to
meet my old friend stone.

Friend, huh?

Well, listen, friend,
rutherford is a clean town,

And it's shenanigans
such as yours

That are gonna dash
our hopes of landing

The 20-aught-8 summer olympics!

Would you lean a little closer?

Your breath
smells of chili fries.

Can't you just give
stone a little break?

It's kind of important to me.

That's a no-can-do,
d*ck. The law's the law,

And it bends for no man.

Please, don.

For old time's sake?

It sure would mean
a whole bunch to me.

Sally!

Ok.

But tell him to stop whizzing
in front of the lady folk.

Ok. It's my pet peeve.

I know, sweetie. I will. Thanks.

Thanks, don.

Hello.

Well, hi, there.

I'm a rocket man, you know.

Really?

Can I help you
jettison your pants?

I k*ll you!

Sally: hey!

No one violates the big giant...

Area around stone

Without going through me
first. Is that understood?

Yeah, ok.

Lieutenant, well done.

Thank you.

I like the cut of your jib.

Well, I've been
working on my jib.

d*ck disappoints me.

I find him...

Disappointing.

I'm issuing a big
giant directive.

Lieutenant, you
are now officially

The new high commander
of this mission.

Oh, my god.

A toast! A toast!

A toast to my new
high commander.

All: to your new high commander!

Huh?!