04x24 - d*ck's Big Giant Headache: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

d*ck... d*ck... d*ck. [Yelping]

d*ck, wake up! Wake up, d*ck!

Wha... Ooh! Wha... Wha? Oh!

Oh, sally! Thank god!

I had the most
horrible nightmare!

I dreamt that the big
giant head came to earth!

And he was an obnoxious,
loudmouthed boob,

And... And he made you
high commander, and...

And then I was eating a
giant marshmallow... And...

Oh, my god! Where's my pillow?!

d*ck.

Get ahold of yourself, ok?

Look. It wasn't a dream.

He did make me high commander.

And my pillow?

He, uh... He confiscated
all our pillows for himself.

Oh, my god. Then it's true.

Sally, get me some coffee.

d*ck... [Chuckles]

I'm not getting you
anything anymore.

You work under me now, and you're
just gonna have to get used to it.

Oh, great!

Now, get up and get dressed.

No. That's an order!

An order?

"High commander sally."

That sounds real impressive.

Rally 'round, troops.

High commander sally
wants to go to the mall.

Did it ever occur to you

That I might actually
deserve this promotion?

Of course it didn't!

Uh, sir... Permission to...

d*ck.

What is this?

It... It's called a
soap opera, sir.

Mmm.

What are they doing?

They're having
sex. Sir, if... If I may...

I want to do that.

I want to do what drake
is doing to amanda's sister.

Sir, I'll... I'll call
some people.

But, sir, if I might,

How could you make sally the high
commander? I'm the high commander.

Well, not anymore.

Then what am i?

I don't know.

How does "lieutenant" sound?

Awful!

That's right. It doesn't have

Much of a ring to it, does it?

Let's see. Let's make
you the... Transmitter.

"Transmitter d*ck." Now,
that sounds kind of jazzy.

But... I... I can't
be transmitter.

Harry's the transmitter.

Fine. Then you'll be his
assistant. But... But... But...

No. No. No. No.
No. Don't thank me.

Wait. I've changed
my mind. Thank me.

Ok, tommy. Now, the
thing about a cummerbund

Is that not only is it a nice
accent to your ensemble,

But you can also
hide your stash in it.

I'm not hiding a stash in it.

Oh. Well, you know,
that's a good idea.

You ought to hold it.
They never search the girl.

That's just great. I was
worried about that, too.

I'm leaving.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

She is the sweetest thing.

You be good to her, tommy.

This is the most
important night of her life.

What about her wedding?

Ah! Weddings come and go.

But a girl only has
one junior prom.

Of course... Some
girls have none.

Hello, vicki.

Excuse me. Tommy,
did you hear anything?

'Cause I most certainly did not!

[Sobbing loudly]

Ah. Good afternoon, d*ck.

High commander.

Look, i... I just
want to say i...

I completely accept
your new position

And only hope that
you will treat me

With the same
consideration and respect

That i, as high
commander, showed you.

Of course. Get out of my chair.

Sally, I need someone to drive
me to get my corsage at 3:00.

No problem. d*ck, drive him.

Yes, sir. Thanks. d*ck,
get out of my chair.

Uh, but... Move!

d*ck, get out of my chair.

Good afternoon.

All: good afternoon, sir!

At ease, at ease. Well...

Well. What's going on?

We were just discussing
tommy's prom tomorrow night, sir.

Oh. What is this "prom"?

Uh, prom. It's,
um... It's a party.

A party! I'm down. Count me in.

That'd be great, sir, but
it's only for teenagers.

Well, he could go
as your chaperone.

Or he could not.

Chaperone, chaperone. I
kinda like the sound of that.

Chaperone. d*ck,
get out of that chair.

Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

You, um...

Want to sit down, sir?

No.

Oh, it's nothing to
be ashamed of, d*ck.

This happens to all men

At some point in their life.

It does?

Sure.

At least, I think so.

I wouldn't really know.

I've been batting
kind of a thousand...

Up until now.

[Groaning]

Oh, d*ck, what's wrong?

Ohhh... I don't know.

Ever since stone got here...

Oh, enough about stone!

I knew his type back in
college. Big man on campus.

But you look past
that flashy smile,

Sleep with him a
couple of times,

Do kinky things you
never thought you'd do,

And then try for days to
get him to answer the phone.

Then you see the real him.

This isn't really the
pep talk I was hoping for.

Oh, vicki, I love ya.

Can you ever forgive me? Aah!

I just came in to steal
one of vicki's cigs.

So what's new?

Oh, you know. Same old same old.

You wanted the cable
hooked up in here?

Yeah. Right over there, honey.

Hey.

Oh, good. Stone. Look...

Oh. If it isn't crooked ear.

Right. Uh, you know, i... I
know you and d*ck go back...

You have a very pretty mouth.

It moves a lot, but
it's very pretty.

Ok. You know, ever
since you got here...

I... I can't help but notice
that you're a woman.

And as such, I'd really like to
have a go at the sex thing with you.

So... Why don't we
find a pair of earmuffs

And retire to the bedroom?

No, i... I don't think so.

Ah.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

I know, and I'm still just
getting the hang of it.

You pig!

No, no! Wait! Wait! Wait!
The bedroom's this way!

Oh, man! This shirt
doesn't have any buttons!

What a ripoff!

Why don't you try using some
of these little black things?

Harry, that's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Go get me a stapler.

You know, you cannot order
harry around like that anymore, d*ck.

He outranks you now.

Oh, right. I forgot. I have
too much cellulite on my ass

To be a high commander.

Yeah, d*ck. Maybe if
you put on a wonder bra,

You could get your job back.

Are you guys insinuating

That I got this job
because of the way I look?

Who's insinuating? We're
saying it right to your face.

Yeah.

This is so typical!

When a woman
with a body like this

Gets a promotion,

Everybody questions it.

But if it were a man
with a body like this,

There wouldn't be any question!

Ah. Sir. As per my duties
as high commander,

I have completed the
daily status report.

If you'll notice, I've
organized it chronologically

And not as my
predecessor used to do,

Uh, in... Limerick form.

Excellent work.

Excellent work!

But you didn't even look at it.

Didn't have to. I like what
I'm looking at right now.

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

Vah-vah.

Oh, my god.

I didn't want to
believe it, but it's true.

You didn't promote
me on my merits.

No, ma'am.

Oh, god.

But don't get me wrong.

I promoted you because
I thought you'd be

The best possible candidate
to give me pleasure.

Ok.

I'll give you pleasure,
you steaming pile of alien...

That's right!

Talk dirty!

Hey. I got a limo outside
for tommy solomon.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.

Hold that thought.

Shotgun!

You look really
pretty tonight, alissa.

Thank you.

Yah-ha!

Tommy, I just have
a question. Yeah.

Who is this man, and what's
he doing here ruining my life?

Yaaahhh!

Whoo-hoo!

Ha...

[Choking]

I think I swallowed a bug.

[Romantic music plays]

Excuse me, sir. I
would just love it

If you wouldn't play grab-ass
with my typing teacher.

I would love it if
you'd keep in mind

Which one of us is
your supreme leader.

Get... Shh! All right. Give
her my love there... Big boy.

Tommy. You're spending more time

With your dad's
friend than with me.

Yeah. Well, you have to
understand. It's his first prom.

Mine, too!

Right. Exactly. See that?

Hey, kids.

Have you seen anything
illegal goin' down?

You know, smoking, drinking?

No. Oh.

Come on, cats. Old
donny's no square.

I'm totally down with
your awesome scene.

Now, uh...

Which one of these kids

Is dancin' with lucy in
the sky with diamonds?

Hey, guys.

Hi, vicki. What are
you doin' here?

Well, I was just
sittin' at home... Hi...

I was just sittin' at home
feelin' lonesome, and I thought,

Hey, what the hell?

It's never too late to go to
your junior prom. Ha ha ha ha!

I'm not sure that's true.

[Sobbing]

d*ck.

Hello, mary.

Is stone around?

No.

Good.

Because I have a little news
flash about your friend.

This afternoon, he
grabbed me and kissed me!

What?!

Oh, d*ck, I know how
this must make you feel.

Oh, but this is wonderful!

What?!

Stone likes you!

This reflects beautifully on me!

d*ck, another man put
his tongue in my mouth!

Tongue! Yes!

How can this be a good thing?

Mary, don't you see?! He's
given you his seal of approval!

Why do you care what he thinks?

The only thing that matters
is what you and I think.

Tell me, mary...
What do you think?

I think you're way too
smart and handsome and sexy

To waste a second of your time
worrying about that braying jackass.

Mary... What?!

I think my little
problem is gone.

Yehh-haww!

Tommy, your weird
friend is ruining the prom.

Which one?

He's in the lead.

So sorry, alissa. I know I'm
screwin' this whole night up for you,

And you're gonna probably end
up back here in 20 years like vicki.

It'll be all my fault.

Tommy, it's bad, but it's not...

That bad.

The point is that we're here
together, and that makes me happy.

Really?

Really.

Whoops!

I'll get some napkins.

[Drumroll]

Ok, everybody, it's that time!

And now the king and
queen of the junior prom...

Tommy solomon
and alissa strudwick!

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, my god! We won!

Ohh!

Oh, thank you so much!

Ohhh...

This is so beautiful!

[Band plays]

♪ Why do birds ♪

♪ Suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time ♪

♪ You are near... ♪

Oh, my god.

It's like he's
singin' just for me.

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ Why do stars ♪

♪ Fall down from the sky ♪

♪ Every time ♪

♪ You walk by? ♪

Oh, dear, just like me...

They want to be...

♪ Close to you ♪

[Whispering] oh, stone...

You know, this is how I always
imagined my prom night would be.

I... I was... I was in a
bad, bad place, stone,

But you've... You've
reawakened the woman in me.

Let's go to my place.

No. Not the solomons'.

No, no, no. My place.

The view is... [Chuckles]

Unbelievable.

Take me there.

You know, for the
first time in days,

I actually feel
good about myself.

I don't need a fancy title to
have self-respect. I have love.

You know, we got a
little dried-up jelly

By the stove here, d*ck.

On it.

Let's just get this
settled once and for all.

You know what? Maybe my
body got my foot in this door,

But you guys know that I
deserve this job regardless.

Yeah, whatever. Tommy: sure.

Shut up! Hey, y'all.

Hey, vicki. Hey, vicki.

That was some prom there.

Oh, yeah, it was
gr... It was weird.

Weird?

Well... I was with stone...

Ahh! You were with...

Stone? Uh, what
happened with stone?

Well, it just doesn't
make any sense.

All I remember is I'm
lookin' down on the earth

From way high up, and there
were these pulsating lights

And this... This noise, this...

Skee-bee-dee-beep-beep.
Skee-bee-dee-beep-beep.

Skee-bee-dee-beep-beep.
Skee-bee-dee-beep-beep.

And... Stone was there,
and that was nice.

But the next thing I knew,
I woke up in my own bed,

And I don't have a
clue how I got there.

Do you think I
might be goin' crazy?

Yes.

Yes, you are going crazy.

That is a shame. Yeah.

My advice is forget about it,

Don't tell anyone, and
pretend you're well. Yeah.

Um, do y'all have
any deviled eggs,

The kind with the relish in
'em? I've got this massive craving.

You know what? I think we have
some of those in the living room.

Let's go, guys! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, my god. He took her
up to his bachelor pod.

That skunk! Takin' advantage

Of my innocent little vicki?

He is seriously out of control.

All right. As high commander,

I'm gonna go in there, and
I'm gonna tell him what's what.

Good morning, sir.

With all due respect...

You cannot just go
around abducting humans.

Yes, I can.

Well, ok. But, uh... There
are plenty of places on earth

To do what you two did.

I know. But I wanted
to be really loud.

You know, you four

Haven't done this planet
justice in your reports.

It's... Infectious!

I... Don't want to leave!

In fact, I've decided
to make this place

Our new base of
operation. You have?

Yes. I've hired an architect.

We're gonna go up... And out!

I'm never leaving! Vicki: stone!

I... I don't... I don't
understand this, but i...

I think I might be... Pregnant.

Aah!

Well, look at the
time. I gotta get going.

Whoo! Yes, indeed.
I've got to get going.

Home for me! I'm late!

What are you doin'?!

I don't know. I'm suddenly
overcome with a desire to flee.

Sir! Please! Sir!

I hereby upgrade your evaluation to
substandard. Keep up the good work.

Uh, uh, proceed
boldly and with stealth.

Shwehhw!

Whatever. I don't know.

Ok. All right. We got
a big situation here.

But we got time. We
got 9 months, so we can...

You guys... We got a
little problem here.

Well, 10 minutes ago,
these pants fit great.

And now... Now I
can't even zip 'em up.

They... They cost me $40.

Hello!

Mary! Mary, it's so
good to see you!

Well, till tomorrow,
then. Sleep well.

I just got here! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh... Ohh... Ohh...
Oh. Oh. Wait. Yeah.

Oh, my god, vicki, look at you!

She's put on a few pounds.

Sally: yeah.

You know, she
loves her tacos, so...

You look like you're
6 months pregnant!

Yeah! Duh! Where have you been?

I had no idea! I
mean, this is so...

Harry, congratulations!

Oh. Why, uh...

I do not need this my first
week as high commander.

I do not need this!
What're we donna do?

All right.

All right.

First things first.
We minimize contact.

d*ck, you gotta
get mary outta here.

Take her to one of those
really long foreign films

She pretends to like.

Ok? Tommy, call the hospital.
Tell 'em there's an incoming.

Harry, you go run
to the bathroom.

I don't want to have to
stop on the way. Now, go!

Nice work, high commander.

Thank you.

For a beginner, I mean.

Thanks. [Chuckles]

Of course, there were

No alien impregnations
on my watch...

Yeah, I get it, d*ck.

Um... Doc... Dr. Albright...

It would mean a great deal to me

If you would deliver
my child into this world.

What?

Well, you're the
only doctor I trust.

Oh... Vicki, i... I'm not
that kind of doctor.

Oh. I see.

Just because I do
not have insurance

Means I'm not a human being.

No. No. I... I can't
deliver your baby.

But I'll be there for you.

Oh, well, now, that's good,

'Cause I believe my
water just broke!

d*ck, get in here!

We've got to take vicki to
the hospital! The baby's coming!

[Sally breathes nervously]

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

You're the high
commander. Give us an order!

Chase them?

Let's go!

You're gonna be ok, honey.

Oh, god, harry, I can feel it!

I can feel it coming!

Just relax. Breathe
deeply. You're doing great.

I can see the head.
Boy, is that a big head!

[All screaming]

Is d*ck in? Haven't
seen him. Why?

Well, his friend stone left
this at the prom last night.

I think he was
spikin' the punch.

What makes you think that?

Well, i, uh... Woke up
on the football field

When the sprinklers came on.

Well, I'll be sure
to tell him when he...

Uh... Uh... Where's my evidence?

I don't know!

Jeez! This happens
to me all the time!

g*ns, dr*gs... I even lost
a whole dead guy once.