05x10 - Gwen, Larry, d*ck and Mary

[bunniefuu]

Sally, could you pass
us some of that corn?

Sure.

Thank you.

d*ck, wouldn't you prefer
it if we sat together?

Oh, of course I would, mary,

But you didn't call
shotgun quickly enough.

Well, nobody told me I had to.

Crybaby.

Look, I'm not going to go
over the rules again, albright.

Better luck next time, ok?

It's a beautiful
night, isn't it?

Oh. Yeah.

Actually, it's a little
warm for my tastes.

Well, that's an
interesting look, harry.

Well, it was the last clean
piece of laundry in the house.

Our washer and dryer broke.

We're waiting for dubcek's
nephew to get out of rehab

So he can fix it.

Remember that odd smell

In the office today, mary?

I said it was nina's
leftover paella.

Well, it wasn't.

Oh, come on.

Look, I hate the laundromat
as much as anybody,

But just go and
wash your clothes.

Laundry-mat?

So you're saying we can just

Prance into this laundry-mat
with our dirty clothes?

And use their
washers and dryers?

Yeah, right. That'll work.

d*ck, please can I sit in front?

Forget about it, chickie.

My poor mary. You miss me.

I'll tell you what.
Sally, you move up here.

I want to go sit next
to my wee bonnie lass.

Now this is more like it.

Yeah.

That's the stuff.

d*ck, your family.

No, no, no. They don't mind.

Yeah, we won't look.

Make your move! Oh, go ahead.

No, no, no...

Morning, mary!

Ahh, I had a great time
last night, didn't you?

No.

d*ck, I cannot do that again.

Oh, you're right.

Next time, maybe we
should all just stay home

And have game night.

No.

No offense, but I cannot
spend another evening

Playing chutes and ladders
with sally, tommy, and harry.

What about kerplunk?

No, d*ck. We need to
socialize with other people.

Ri... What about
hungry, hungry hippos?

d*ck. I'm serious. We need to
broaden our social horizons.

Go out with another couple.

Another couple?

Why would we want to go
out with another couple?

It'll be fun.

I don't know, mary.
How do you know?

It could be really weird.

Us? Alone with 2
people? A whole dinner?

What if nobody even talked?

I don't think it's
worth the risk.

Do it for me.

Ok.

Now we just have
to think of a couple

That would be
fun to go out with.

Judith is always talking
about her boyfriend trent.

d*ck, I'm not sure...

But I think trent
may be imaginary.

Yeah.

Nina, you have a
boyfriend now, don't you?

I sure do.

Well, how about the
2 of you and the 2...

No.

There's a woman
in my tennis clinic...

Gwen mcmichael, very sweet.

I'll call her and see
if she and her husband

Would like to
join us for dinner.

Uh, all right.

But just to be safe, I'd
better bring along candyland.

Oh, my god.

Look at this place.

Those interlocking
chairs go on for miles.

It's so bright.

Like heaven.

Look at all the machines.

We could do more
than one load at once.

Yes!

Now all my cute little tops

Will never again cross paths

With your skidmarked jockeys.

This is the future.

Oh, it's broadband, baby.

Hello.

Why aren't they here? I
bet they're not coming.

Oh, just relax.
They're 2 minutes late.

Well, then, they're
just plain rude.

We should leave.

d*ck, sit.

Oh, here they are.

Gwen.

Mary.

Hi! Hi!

You look so nice.

Oh, I love your jacket.

Oh, ralph lauren.

You must be larry.

I must be. I hope we haven't
kept you waiting too long.

Oh, no, not at all.

I love watching
people. It's what I do.

After all I do have a
ph.d. In anthropology.

Oh! This is d*ck. d*ck?

My name is d*ck
solomon. I'm from ohio.

I like to read books.
My favorite color is red.

I... I teach physics,

And my dream is to someday
learn to ride a bicycle.

That's an icebreaker
if I've ever heard one.

Why don't you sit down?

I'm larry mcmichael.

I'm in printing. I
like fly-fishing,

And my dream...

Is to find a wife who won't
spend so darn much money.

Oh, you!

Waiter! Could I get a bottle
of your best red wine?

On me.

Oh, why, thank you, larry.

You know, mary, if it
were up to my husband,

We'd probably
never socialize at all.

I mean, we'd probably
never even leave the house.

Why should I leave the
house? I've got cable.

He's got cable.

The only television I watch
is the history channel.

Anyway, why don't we order?

These guys are
probably starving.

d*ck's eaten 3 bowls of nuts.

Oh, you.

It's true.

It is not.

Come on, guys. We don't
have a full load yet.

Is this washable?

Sure.

Well, everybody, I'm off.

Ok. Ok. How was last night?

Oh, mary and I had the
most wonderful time

With larry and gwen mcmichael.

We spent over an hour
talking about movies.

Then mary and gwen got into a
huddle and talked about gardening

While larry and I
talked about traffic.

It turns out he hates
it as much as I do.

That sounds great.

You know, you guys want
to have a really good time?

You should all come to
the rutherford rinse with us.

Yes, about that.
Sally, tommy, harry,

Please sit down.

There's something I
have to tell you and...

It's not going to be easy.

I know how much you all enjoy

The times that you've
spent with mary and me,

d*ck, is that vest
a little stinky?

Maybe a little. Ok, give it.

But mary and I have
come to a decision.

You know I think those pants
might be a little crusty, too.

Yeah. Stand up.

We want to spend
all of our free time

With gwen and larry.

Mary says, and I have
to agree with her,

That it's rare for 2 couples

To mesh together so perfectly.

And so I'm afraid that means

That we won't be spending
any more time with the 3 of you.

Aw, that's a shame.

Hey, got any quarters?

Yeah. There's a couple
in the left-hand pocket.

Ok. Great. See
you later. Bye-bye.

Need any help?

Thanks.

No. Thank you.

Aah! That's us. Ok.

Grab that basket.

Hey, hey, what are you
doing? That's my basket.

But you're not using it.

I will when my clothes are done.

No, see, ours are done now.

Congratulations.

What's her problem?

I don't know. Whatever.

Look, let's just use that dryer.

These clothes have
been done forever.

Hey, hey, hey. What do
you think you're doing?

You're touching my stuff.

It was done.

Yeah, you weren't here.

You don't touch
other people's stuff.

I knew this place was
too good to be true.

It's ok. Just stay calm
now. Everything's fine.

We're just going to go over here

And do another load of laundry.

Ok.

Hey, that's my machine!

What're you talking
about? It's empty.

No, I put my magazine
on it to hold it.

What's that supposed to do?

This is chaos.

Look, you cannot reserve
anything with a magazine.

That's right.

I'm sorry, man.

Those are the rules.

Whose rules?

My rules.

Can I at least get
my magazine back?

No.

Yeah, you keep walking, jerky.

Run!

Match point!

Would you serve, already?

Got it!

Got it!

Got it!

Got it!

Got it!

Got it!

Got it!

Got it!

Switch!

Game. Set. Match.

Eat dirt, you mcmichaels.

Aah!

I should have warned you
I played tennis in college.

Great game, partner!

So, who's up for a beer, huh?

Oh, that sounds great.

I don't think we can. We've
got a carpet guy coming.

Oh, well, what about after?

Ah, well, you know
they have to measure,

And that just takes forever.

You know, we should
really get going, gwen.

Yeah.

Hey. You want to go see
that new norwegian film?

I did a post-thesis dig

On a fjord near
where it was sh*t.

True story.

So, should I get some tickets?

Oh, gosh. I think we've got
something on our calendar.

Anyway...

We'll give you a buzz.

Take care, now.

Maybe we can get
together next weekend.

Buzz buzz. We'll
give you a buzz.

Buzz buzz.

Mary, have they called back yet?

Gwen and larry? No.

I've left several
messages, though.

Oh, why haven't they
returned our calls?

This is madness.

Mary, let's try them again.

Oh, d*ck, no.

I don't want to
appear too desperate.

But we are!

Maybe they don't like you
as much as you thought.

Maybe they're dead.

Do you think they're
brushing us off?

Well, why would they do that?

Dr. Solomon,

When you're around them,
are you just being yourself?

Well, of course I am.

Hmm. There you go.

Larry!

Oh, there you are.

Thank god. You're alive.

d*ck.

Gwen!

Oh! Oh!

d*ck, what are you doing here?

Why haven't you
returned our calls?

Please tell me it's
because you don't know

How to use your
answering machine.

Well, gwen.

We've been sort of busy.

Busy? Busy playing
tennis without us? Why?

Was it something I did?

No. No. It wasn't you at all.

We like you, d*ck.

Oh, thank god. You like me.

So there's no problem.

Unless, of course,
you don't like mary.

Oh, my god. You don't like mary.

It's not that we
don't like her, d*ck.

It's just that...

Well, she's kind of...

Oh, I don't know...

Tedious. Yeah.

Pretentious?

And completely self-absorbed.

Mary?

We're sorry, d*ck,

But her credit card
says "mary albright, ph.d."

Now that's just yucky.

But you've got her all wrong.

Mary is a wonderful person.

You hardly even know her.

d*ck.

You've got to give
her another chance.

Please.

For me.

Well, maybe we were
a little quick to judge.

Larry?

Wouldn't be the first time.

We said we'd never use that
outdoor chicken rotisserie,

And what did we have
for dinner last night?

Rotisserie chicken.

Guilty!

So, that means you'll
give her another chance?

Ok. Sure.

Oh, great.

All right. What
have we got, tommy?

The lady says she stepped
out of the laundromat

To get a coffee.

When she returned,

Her slipcovers had been
removed from the dryer

And placed on the folding table.

She also claims
they were still wet.

Is this a fact, sir?

He moved my stuff.

I am not talking to you.

I'm saying, I went...

Zip it!

Tommy...

Why don't you tell our
friend here the rules.

You are not to remove

Someone else's moist
items from the dryer.

Now, was it moist?

It was damp.

Don't pee on my shoes and
tell me the washer's leaking.

Now, was it moist?

It was moist, ma'am.

Crowd: ahh!

What is the matter
with these people?

Beats me, ma'am.

You, buster, you better grow up.

You owe this woman 20
minutes of drying time.

I told you.

And you, young lady,

You better drop that attitude.

Here's a little
piece of advice...

You've heard this before...

Colors fade...

But dumb is forever.

Next!

So even though I had 4
universities vying for me,

I chose pendleton
because, I don't know,

There was something
quaint about it.

Oh, quaint.

Yeah. Really?

You don't mean quaint.

You mean humble,
don't you, mary?

She means humble. Mary
loves humble things.

Oh, there was a
certain je ne sais...

Breadsticks. Who wants
a tasty breadstick?

I'm so glad d*ck finally
got in touch with you.

I was beginning to
think you didn't like us.

How silly.

Don't be so needy, mary.

So, uh, let's order.

Gwen, do you want
to split a caesar?

I'll let you have
all the anchovies.

You got a deal.

Great.

Here is an interesting
little anthropological tidbit

From this photographic
mind of mine.

Did you know that the anchovy

Was the staple food
of the phoenicians?

I didn't know that.

And they're so little.

Why don't we get a bottle
of wine for the table.

Yes, a nice buttery
chardonnay. Not too oaky.

No, we wouldn't
want it to be too oaky.

Mary, maybe you don't need
anything to drink tonight.

What?!

Well, darling, you
know how sleepy

And long-winded wine makes you.

No, actually, let's
get a bottle of wine.

I feel like we're
going to need it.

Good times.

Get out of here.

Sally?

Got some bad news.

Oh, my god. Tommy, what is it?

It's about the washer
and dryer at home.

I'm afraid that
they've been fixed.

No!

Sally, it's ok.

But... But these people need me.

Sally, you've got to be strong.

For them.

It's ok. It's all
right. I know. I know.

Hey, I was hoping
you'd come back.

I came back to say good-bye.

Well, can't we go across
the street to the diner

And get a cup of
coffee or something?

June bug,

What we had here
was very special.

Hum of the dryers,
fluorescent lights,

Sweet, sweet smell
of softener sheets.

But take that away, and
I'm afraid we got nothing.

What are you,
some kind of moron?

I know it's hard to
understand, but, uh,

At least we'll
always have this, huh?

And this.

Hey!

Oh, that's gross.

That's right. That's right.

Fight daddy. Fight daddy.

So, anyway, after
graduate school,

I took this trip
through wine country,

And the funniest thing happened.

Is this the one where
she meets the guy

Who looks just like tony curtis?

No, this is the stunner
where she forgot

That the dog was blind.

Oh, have I told this already?

Yes, mary. You've
told it already.

Thank you, d*ck.

Tell it again.

Oh, d*ck, i... I...

Tell it...

Again!

I don't think gwen and
larry want to hear it...

I don't give a flying fudgsicle

What gwen and larry want.

Both: what?!

Look at you two sitting
there all fake smiles

And fake friendly.

Looking all fake
with your fakeness

And your fake little world.

How dare you!

Get out!

Come on, gwen.

I have never noticed it before,

But you look
capable of v*olence.

I'll show you who's
capable of v*olence.

d*ck! d*ck! d*ck!

d*ck! d*ck! d*ck!

What the hell just
happened here?

Mary,

There's something I haven't
told you about those two.

What?

They don't...

They don't...

I don't like them.

Why?

They're tedious

And pretentious

And completely self-absorbed.

Mary, our time
together is too precious

To waste with people like that.

They were getting a little dull.

I found myself
doing all the talking.

I could listen to you all day.

So, anyway, the trip
through wine country.

I was with my friend
charlotte. And we...

Didn't you forget the
part about the train ride?

Yeah... Have I
told this already?

No.

So, anyway, charlotte's french

Both: wasn't very good.

And i, of course,

Had just come back
from the sorbonne,

So we're sitting at this table,

And a man approaches
the table wearing

The most humongous collar...

Now isn't this better, mary?

I suppose.

We don't need to be out with
another couple, now do we?

No.

Ok, albright. In the back.

This is ridiculous,
the next time

I'm sitting in the front.

I call shotgun for next time.

I call shotgun
for time after that.

Shotgun infinity.

Can she call shotgun infinity?

I'm afraid so.

Yes!