05x11 - d*ck Puts the 'Id' in Cupid

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you guys,

Why is everything so
red on valentine's day?

I mean, the greeting
cards and the candy.

Even the tire ads.

Well, red represents

All the blood that was
spilled at the m*ssacre.

m*ssacre?

Yeah, the st. Valentine's
day m*ssacre.

It was a very big
deal here on earth.

Well, all I know is, at
school everybody says

Valentine's day is designed
to maximize the lovin'.

What about people like
you who never get any lovin'?

Yes, well, that's
all about to change.

Because this valentine's
day is about me and alissa

Maximizing the lovin'

And minimizing... The virginity.

Yes!

It's about time. I've
been telling you

To do that since you were 14.

Hey, guys!

Hey, alissa, how you doing?

Ahh... Cake in the oven!

Oh, will you look at the time?

Harry?

Hmm?

Oh, I was just trying
to stagger my exit

For a more natural effect.

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

And I'm out!

What's going on?

Uh, I've just been thinking

About what we should
do for valentine's day.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah, so I was like up all night

Trying to craft the
best way of saying this.

Alissa, do you want
to get a hotel room?

Tommy, it better be
a nice hotel room.

Really? Are you serious?

Yeah, I mean, I think
we're ready, don't you?

Yes, yeah. No, I do.

I really do.

And absolutely it'll
be a nice hotel room.

I mean, after all,
it's our first time.

Oh...

Your first time.

What... What?

Why, thank you.

So, mary,

What do you want for
valentine's day this year?

Oh, I'm not expecting much.

Why not?

Well, the first year we dated,

You claimed to have never
heard of valentine's day.

The second year you
gave me a ham sandwich.

That's why I'm not
expecting much.

I'm so sorry.

Mary, this year I'll
try to get it right.

You know I love you.

Yeah, I know.

Hey.

Oh, tiffany, you
finally made it!

Oh, d*ck, this is
my niece tiffany.

She's staying with
me for the week.

Sorry I'm late. Aunt
mary, can I have 20 bucks?

Uh, you're not going to join us?

No.

Oh, ok.

But be home by 10:00. My rules.

That's not going
to happen. Have fun.

Sweet girl.

She's a pain in the ass.

My therapist said I had
to set limits with her.

Therapist?

Why are you seeing a therapist?

To talk.

About me?

d*ck...

About our relationship?

d*ck, please! Oh, my god!

You're talking about me!

Yes... No!

d*ck, that's between
me and my therapist.

But tell me!

No! Please!

No!

So what are you going to eat?

That's between me and my waiter.

Hey, don!

Sally, look what I
found on the porch.

It says it's from
your secret admirer.

Secret admirer?

Hey, you guys, get in here!

You sure you want to read
that in front of everyone?

Hey, what's going on?

Look what some weirdo
left on the porch!

Let me see that.

"Dear sally,

"I can't stop
thinking about you.

Whoa, this guy sounds obsessed!

Don: but, uh...

"I stay up at night

Just to watch you sleep."

Sally... Eww!

"On this valentine's day

Your heart will be mine."

Aah!

Don: no, you don't understand.

This is the most creepy,
horrible, disgusting thing

I have ever encountered!

It's a good thing
you're dating a cop.

Yes it is, yes.

Don, should we go
outside and look for clues?

Clues? Sure, why not?

Oh. So I got alissa and me

A room at the ramada.

Attaboy!

She's totally fine with it.

Attaboy!

But I'm a virgin.

Attaboy!

And, you know, she's not.

Attaboy! Stop it!

What, you mean the
pointing or the actual...

Everything!

I don't know what to do, man.

She's so much more
experienced than me.

What if I make a fool of myself?

Hmm...

Don't worry.

You will.

So, d*ck,

What would you
like to talk about?

Mary albright.

Ok.

What does she talk about
when she comes here?

I can't discuss patients, d*ck.

Doctor-client privilege

Is the foundation of
trust in psychotherapy.

Oh, that makes perfect sense.

I respect that.

How about I ask you
questions about mary,

And you nod your head yes or no?

No.

Was that a yes? No.

Was that a no?

Yes!

Yes! Good, good.

d*ck, what's really going on?

What do you mean?

Are you feeling insecure
about something?

Like what?

I don't know. You tell me.

My relationship with mary?

Yes?

No.

Was that a yes?

Yes!

Ohhh!

Hello. Is tommy here?

Yeah, I'm tommy.

Hi.

Uh, do I know you?

I'm tiffany. Aunt mary
wanted to get rid of me,

So she told me to come over here

And hang out with you.

Uh-huh. Well, I got some
homework to do, so...

You're a cutie.

Not exactly big-boned,
but really hot.

Thanks.

I'm bored. Let's do something.

Right. That's the thing...

I got this stuff to do, so...

Come on, stop being
so lame all the time.

You just met me.

How old are you?

18.

Make me a sandwich?

Uh...

We... We got turkey.

Don, what's going on?

Huh?

Have there been any
breaks in the case?

Uh, uh, no, sally.

Uh, but I've got every
available man on it.

What about a handwriting expert?

Don't you guys have some
sort of handwriting expert

That can take a
look at this thing?

A handwriting expert?

Sally, we're just a
small police department,

And i, uh... I'm the
handwriting expert.

Uh, here, let me
take a look at that.

Aha! Given the slope
of this crossed "t,"

We can definitely
conclude that this guy

Is a lover, not a loser, sally.

Really?

I don't know.

Curve of the "v"
says he's a pervert.

And the capital "y" says
he's k*lled and will k*ll again.

Rico!

I knew it!

Don, I cannot sleep
knowing that he is out there.

Please find him for me.

Just find him.

Boy, oh, boy.

You better find that perv.

I'm the perv.

The first time I
saw mary undress,

I remember thinking,

"God, I hope this
skylight holds."

Would you consider your
relationship with mary

To be a happy one?

Yes. Apart from the
occasional mishap.

Mishap?

You know, like me publicly
accusing her of m*rder or...

Or showing up naked at
one of her fund-raisers.

So those weren't
mary's delusions.

I beg your pardon?

Go on.

I mean, I try so hard

To do the right thing,

But inevitably my choice is

"The worst thing imaginable."

Her words.

How does that make you feel?

Frustrated.

Why?

Because I want...

Because I want to be
a good human being.

And what's stopping you?

I don't know.

You?

No.

Me? Good!

And?

And... Where I came from.

Yes, of course!

It's where I'm from!

And?

It's my past!

That's it!

My past is stopping me from
being a good human being.

Go on.

It's standing between me
and my happiness with mary.

Go on.

I've got to let go of my past!

That's it! I'm letting
go of my past! Go on.

Go on?

I've just made a huge
breakthrough! Isn't that enough?

Food, clothing, shelter.

The basics turn me on.

Shelter turns you on?

Yeah.

Because you need
those things or you'll die.

But sometimes it feels like
if you have them, you'll die.

Wait, how do you mean?

Well, you can have
shelter all day long,

But if you don't go
outside once in a while,

You go crazy.

Oh, right. And you
could eat like a pig,

But then sometimes
you have to stop, right?

And clothing.

Yeah?

Well, sometimes, don't
you just have to be naked?

I've got a girlfriend.

I've got a boyfriend.

We're gonna have
sex on valentine's day.

No, we're gonna
have sex right now.

I'm a virgin.

I could educate you.

I could use an education.

Let's go.

Ok!

Alissa is gonna be
so happy about this.

I have an announcement to make.

Both: ay yi yi...

I have spent my
entire life as a human

On the outside looking in.

Always trying,
approximating, attempting,

But never being a human being.

That's 'cause you're not.

Lieutenant, I refuse to
be defined by who I am.

My past has always
gotten me into trouble.

As of now, I have no past.

I am no longer an alien.

What?

From now on, I am a human being.

I am john q. Pubic.

So let me ask you this...

If you're not an alien anymore,

Am I still an alien?

I'm not here to
define you or anyone.

But I will say this:

All the cool kids
are no longer aliens.

I've gotta change.

Only one more shopping
day before valentine's,

And this time, I'm
getting it right.

What are you getting for don?

Ooh, I'm thinking ham sandwich.

Great idea.

Hey, that's what you
got mary last year.

Yeah, when I was a...

Alien.

So, uh, I was ok?

You're a natural.

Really? But in the genetic
imperative kind of way,

Or are we talking
style points here?

Both. I gotta go. Take care.

W-wait.

Wait. So, this is like
good-bye and good luck?

Yeah.

What a deal!

Well...

Hey, tommy! What do you know?

Well...

A lot more than
I did 2 hours ago.

Aw... Nothing says I love you

Like having sex with a stranger

The night before you're supposed
to do it with your girlfriend

For the very first
time on valentine's day.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm so thoughtful.

Yeah.

Look, have you caught the
guy who wrote the note yet?

Caught him?

Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

I nailed him. He's in lock-up.

Your worries are over.

Oh, thank you so much!

I want to see him.

Y-you can't.

Uh, nobody's allowed in there.

It's too dangerous.

I'm going in.

Sally, sally!

Sally!

All right, don, which one is he?

Sally, i... I know how...

Which one's the perv?

Uh, the one in the red
flannel. He's your man.

Ok, flannel boy,

Yeah, step over here.

So you're the one who's
been stalking me, huh?

Well, you have messed
with the wrong broad, baby!

You have made my
life a living hell,

And you will suffer the wrath...

Sally, for god's sake, stop it!

What is it, sweetie?

I was the one who
wrote the note.

You?

I thought it would
be better than a card.

I wanted to say it
in my own words.

You wrote...

"Dear sally, I can't
stop thinking about you.

"I stay up at night...

Just to watch you sleep.

Both: "on this valentine's day,

Your heart will be mine."

Oh, my god, that is so sweet.

Thanks. I tried.

Let's go.

You could never write a
valentine that good, you creep.

Oh, hi, d*ck.

Oh, mary.

Happy, happy valentine's day.

Wow, d*ck, this looks
like a real present.

I put a lot of thought into it.

Oh!

Oh, my god, this is amazing.

Oh, I knew you'd love it.

When I was 5, I wanted
a piano just like this,

But my mother
wouldn't get it for me.

Here's another one, mary.

Oh, my god! Do you
know what this is?

Yeah, it's the novel that
your professor wrote

While you were having an
affair with him in college.

How did you know that?

And here is a flowing black wig.

Your camp counselor
wouldn't let you play maria

In west side story, but I will.

I never told you
any of these things.

But you told your therapist,

Who is now my therapist.

You're seeing my therapist?

You betcha.

And she told you all of this?

Oh, of course not.

Mary, that would be
completely unethical.

I looked at your files while
she went to the bathroom.

I can't believe this.

What do you mean?

People don't do this.

People don't look at other
people's psychological files

To get gift ideas!

They don't?

No!

Wait a minute, mary!

Are you sure?

Oh, stupid alien!

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Hello, my valentine.

Hello, my valentino.

So, this nice
enough for you, huh?

Set me back $47.99.

Listen, i, uh, I have
a present for you,

Because I wanted tonight
to be really special.

Really? What is it?

Last night...

I lost my virginity.

You what?

And if tonight is
anything like last night,

You're gonna have
one great time.

Why would you do this?

Oh, I did it for you. For me?

Yeah, you know, because you're
such an experienced woman.

You don't want a boyfriend

Who doesn't know what
he's doing, you know?

I thought you'd be happy.

Happy?

Not quite happy.

I have to go think about this.

Ok.

Well, don't be long!

Oh, I'm gonna be very long!

Good thing I got pay-per-view.

Alissa.

Hola, mon frère!

Harry.

So how'd it go?

Uh, I think she was a
little intimidated by me.

What do you mean?

I think she felt like I
had too much experience.

Aw, ain't no such
thing, little buddy.

Oh! Those 2 ladies naked?

Yes, they are.

So, what'd that guy do
to deserve the spanking?

Thank you for agreeing
to this emergency session.

So what happened?

d*ck read your file on me.

He touched my things?

I feel so betrayed.

I can't trust these freaks
to sit while I take a leak!

What did you just say?

What did you think I just said?

Dr. Brand, I need
to talk to you!

d*ck, you have
to wait your turn!

No, this can't wait!

Oh, this is infuriating!

d*ck, what compelled you
to inv*de my personal space?

Oh, and read mary's files?

I did it because I am a man
who will do irrational,

Often annoying things out
of love for mary albright.

Why can't you just act
like a normal human being?!

Because I'm never going to
be a normal human being, mary!

And do you know why?

Because I'm lousy at it!

And you're just gonna
have to accept that.

Don't listen to him, mary.

I'm happy with myself.

I don't want to alter who I am.

I like me.

Get that down, dr. Brand.

I think it's another
breakthrough.

So you're saying you're
never gonna change.

d*ck solomon, love
him or leave him.

You've got a choice, mary.

Oh, d*ck, I do love you.

And I know what would happen
if I ever tried to leave you.

Yeah, irrational
and annoying things.

Yeah.

I wouldn't normally say this,

But you two should
not be together.

Happy valentine's day, mary.

Happy valentine's day, d*ck.

So how are things with alissa?

Well, she hasn't called yet.

Which I'm reading
as smooth sailing.

She's just going to have to
accept you for who you are.

Wait. Is a non-alien speaking?

'Cause I cannot hear a non-alien

Up here on the alien rooftop.

Sally, I'm an alien again.

Good, 'cause that
other thing was stupid.

Not as stupid as sally
being scared by a valentine.

Hey, I did not know the earth
custom on that one, all right?

Isn't it great to always
have that excuse?

Yes, it definitely is.