06x19 - The Thing That Wouldn't Die: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I got it.
Here we go.

[d*ck]
Sally! Harry!

Sally!

I have
terrible news!

d*ck, get in the picture.

I didn't know our camera
had a self-timer.

What's a self-timer?

Oh, for God's sake,
never mind!

I have some
terrible news!

Liam was gonna
go through with his plan

to turn Earth
into Planet Monkey World,

so I had to use
his own w*apon

to turn him
into a chimp!

Oh, my God.

You chimpified Liam?

Yes!

But that's
not the worst part.

Mary saw me do it! She
witnessed something alien!

There is no good way
to explain what she saw.

Okay, okay.

Okay, damage control,
you guys.

We have to normalize
the situation.

But how?

What if we...
chimpify everyone in...

say, the Ukraine?

We tell Albright
that Liam is Ukrainian.

Yeah.

And it finally
caught up with him.

Yeah!
It's settled!

Tonight,
we fly to Kiev.
Wait, wait.

That's, like,
a 12-hour flight.

Yeah, and you have to
connect through Warsaw.

It's a bitch.

Mmm, yeah.

Once you get there,
you lost the whole day.

Ooh! I have
a better idea!

Why don't you
just deny it

and then act like
it never happened?

That's right. Deny.

Good idea.

And we have a kick-ass
Ukrainian Plan B.

♪ [rock 'n' roll]

Nina, please, I need
to talk to you in person.

I think there might be
something wrong with d*ck.

I--I think I might be
in danger.

No, I have not been
watching old movies.

Yes, I have been drinking.

[knocking]
Oh, my God!

There's somebody
at the door!

Please stay on the line.

d*ck! Hi!

How are ya?
Good to see ya!

Hello. How ya doin'?
Everything okay?

Yeah, yeah.
Mind if I come in?

No, no.
Why--why--

Why would I?

Well, I guess
you shouldn't.

You are my girlfriend,
aren't you?

Sure am.

Have been for a long,
long time.

I've been good to you.

Mary, were you talki''
on the telephone?

No, no, no.

There's no dial tone.

H-Hello?

Nina!

No, e-everything's
fine here.

Yeah, like it
always is here.

Tell her, Mary.

Just like he says,
everything's fine.

Don't worry,
I'll take care of her.

So, I, uh...

I guess you were talking
on the phone, huh?

[stuttering]
T-To Nina.

Yeah.
[laughing]

Yeah.

I guess I forgot.
[laughing]

You forgot, huh?
[laughing]

Oh, well,
this sure has been

a normal day
for us, huh?

[laughing]

I'll see ya!
Yeah, bye!

I'll drive safely!

Yes, please!

[laughing]

Oh!

Oh, my God!
Look at this place!

Yeah, there must have
been a robbery here.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna go
with m*rder.

No way.
Robbery.
m*rder.

Robbery.
m*rder!

Robbery!

You know what?
Let's not argue about it.

Hopefully,
we're both right, okay?

Hey, Rico,
what's goin' on here?

There's been
a robbery.

Aw, damn!
Yeah!

Yeah, but don't worry.
We got the guy.

Cool. Is Don here?

No, he, uh,
took a sick day

to catch up
on his soaps.

Oh.

I'll take over
from here, Rico.

Name?

Sam.

Sam.

Was your boyfriend
one of the robbers, Sam?

I don't have a boyfriend.

Doesn't have
a boyfriend.

Pot Pies, Belly Stuffers,
Breakfast in Seconds...

Ah, here we are.
Pizza.

Don?

What are you doing
in there?

[stuttering]
I'm i-inspecting. Yeah.

Uh, yep, these frozens
are up to code.

Good work, people!

Now, one last thing.

Tomorrow night,
you wanna go out on a date?

How 'bout 9?

Slow down there.
Let's try one.

See how it goes.

So, if you knew you were
gonna be on freezer duty,

why didn't you
dress for it?

Cold doesn't bother me.

Then why are you shaking?

Why am I shaking?
[sobbing]

I'm shaking because
there was a robbery.

There's no such thing
as freezer duty.

What?

I--I was hidin'
from the bad guy.

I'm a coward.

No.

That's why I joined
the force.

All those cops around,
I thought I'd feel safe.

Thanks for coming out
with me.

Purge your soul,
and let's flag down
a waitress.

I think there might be
something wrong with d*ck.

I think I might be
in danger.

I think she's ready
for the talk.

We've always been
suspicious of Dr. Solomon.

Secretive about his past,
speaks many languages,

pretends not to
understand anything.

What are you saying?
He has another identity?

Yes. I think "stupid
college professor"

is just a front.

I think he's a stupid
international t*rror1st.

Face facts, Mary.

d*ck Solomon fits
the classic profile

of a serial k*ller.

A serial k*ller?

Moody, high forehead.

Lives in an old lady's
attic.

Only one piece
of the puzzle missing:

your head in a box.

Hey, cutie.

Hey, Sam.

No, no, no,
no, no.

Sam works
at the supermarket,

but this place tries to be
a little fancy, so...

"Samantha" works here.

Well, wait a second.

So there's you,
and then there's Sam.

Exactly.
Oh.

Well, it's a good thing
you're both workin'.

So 9:00 is good?

For what?

We're goin' out.

Wow, Samantha,
you a take-charge
kind of girl, huh?

Well, okay, but--

Oh, 9's no good.
I got plans.

How 'bout 7?

Um...okay.
Okay.

I'll be there at 7.
Okay.

Hi. Table for two?

Right this way.

Hot damn,
I'm datin' twins.

Hello, Mary.

What are you doing
at my desk?

I'm looking for some
information about you.

About me?
What's to know?

d*ck, why don't you
ever talk

about your childhood?

How come I've never
met your parents?

Well, I told them
all about you, Mary,

and they didn't
want to meet you.

Well, what are
their names?

Where--Where are
their pictures,

some mementos?

Uh, well...
okay, Mary.

Uh, this is my father's
lucky one-dollar bill.

And, um...

and this pencil was given
to my mother by Babe Ruth.

See his number?
Number two.

[breaks pencil]
Hey!

I was gonna pass that
on to my son,
when I had one!

You have a son! Tommy.

Oh! Right.

d*ck, I think you've been
hiding something from me,

and I think you've been
hiding it from me for 6 years.

Oh, what makes you
say that?

I saw you turn a man
into a monkey!

Actually, it was
a chimpanzee.

And it never happened.

That's it!
No more covers!
No more lies!

I don't know who you are!
I don't know what you are!

All I know is that I--

I can't see you anymore.

Good-bye, d*ck.

Mary, wait!

Okay.

Look, I've been wanting
to tell you this
for a long time.

This is hard.

I want to make sure
I say it right.

It's okay.

Mary, I'm--

What rhymes with "shmalien"?

Oh, forget it!

Mary! I...
d*ck Solomon...

am an alien.

From outer space.

[groans, coughs]

Where am I?

And what's going on?

You lied so much,
you passed out.

Mary...

it's true.

I'm the High Commander
of an exploratory mission

that came to Earth
6 years ago

to study mankind.

Does your family
know about this?

We're not a family.
We're a unit.

Tommy is the information
officer.

Sally is the security
officer.

And Harry has an enormous
transmitter in his head.

Oh, that's impossible!

Except for the Harry part.

Open your mind.

Think about everything
you don't know about me.

And then think about
everything you do know.

Think about how...

every single time
something happens,

it's like I'm learning it
for the first time...

like a child.

Mary, think about our entire
6-year relationship...

knowing that I'm an alien.

You are an alien.

Yes.

Why didn't I
see this before?

Because you're only human.

[door opens]

[panting]

Don?

What's with the police tape
surrounding your house?

I'm not in the mood
for company.

I'm a coward.

All right. Now, you listen
to me, Donald Leslie Orville.

Ever since
I have know you,

you have gone out there
every day

and done your job,
even though you're
scared to death.

There's only one word
for that kind of coward.

Brave!

I never thought of that.

Well, think again.

And you know what?

Now that you've been
honest with yourself...

you have the power

to be the man you've
always wanted to be...

the man you deserve to be.

The man...

I fell in love with.

I feel like I can go
back out in the world
and start again.

I can always
tape my soaps!

Thank you, Sally.

My pleasure.

Now...that's my boy.

[screams]

What? Uh...
did I poke you?

No, it's just cold
against my skin.

So check it out,
Doobie.

I got two
of everything.

For the twins.

I once dated twins.

It was so confusing,

especially when
they dress alike.

Twins dress alike?

Well, these did. They were
the Minnesota Twins.

[Woman] Hello!

Oh! It's 7:00.

That must be Samantha.

She's the posh one.

But I think she might
be the most naughty.

[screams]
[screams]

Sam! It's you!

You're early!

Well, maybe a little bit.

Is that a problem?

No! Not at all.

Here! Let me
show you around.

This is the living room.

This is the kitchen.

And this is the bathroom.
Here ya go.

[Sam yelps]
Why dontcha go in there.

Oh, great. Now I have
to go to the bathroom.

d*ck?

When you came to Earth...

was I your first?

Uh, no. I was.

But you were a very
distant second.
Aw...

I can't believe I'm--

If I told my mother
I was dating an alien,

it would k*ll her.

d*ck! Let's call her.

No! No, no, no, no!
Mary, no!

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's a secret.

I'm just so excited.
I have so many questions!

Well, go ahead!

Did you build the pyramids?

Only the one in Las Vegas.

What about Easter Island?

Easter Island was
a practical joke

that got out of hand.
[laughs]

I can't believe
my boyfriend's an alien!

d*ck...

on your planet...

how do you do it?

Well, it's--
it's similar to Earth.

Typically, you launch
a protoplasm capsule

into your partner's
receptor port,

and then wait for a...

an impact summary.

Take me, spaceman!

I'm screwed. Sam's here
early, and her sister
Samantha's due any minute.

So you're gonna
go outside,

and distract Samantha
when she gets here.

How can I do that?

Well, shiny objects
usually work for me.

[laughs, door opens]

[gasps]

[shrieks]

Samantha!

You're here, too.

Too?

To...eat...

in the kitchen...

where people always eat.

Not in the bathroom.

Where they hide.

Stay calm.

Harry, is something wrong?

No, I'm havin' a great time.

And so are you.

Now, why don't you just
sit here and count to 100.

No reason.

Harry, where
are you going?

To check on the ham.

It's in the bathroom.

It's an old family recipe.

Sam, quick, you gotta
get outta here.

Harry, I didn't
see anybody.

That's because
you missed her!

Now, come on.

I want you to go
in the bathroom

and sneak Sam out, okay?

I think the other one
might be hotter, anyway.

Harry?

Yes?

What's goin' on?

Well, nothing.

Let's go eat.

Isn't the ham
in the bathroom?

Yeah, that's right.

[knocking]

Who's that?
It's the ham.

[knocking]

It must be ready.

Harry, I know
somebody's in there.

Look...

I got a confession to make.

I made two dates tonight.

You did?

Who'd you make
the other date with?

Oh, I can't tell ya.

It's too sick.

Hello.

I wish you two
all the luck in the world.

Great. Now I lost
Sam and Samantha.

They took the ham!

I have listened to
what you've had to say.

I have processed it.

I'm not gonna
change my mind.

I'm gonna k*ll Albright.

But you can't!

Don't worry.

I'll use the second
most pain-free manner

I can think of.

Sally, she loves
that we're aliens.

And she loves the secret.
She thinks it's sexy.

d*ck, as Security Officer,

I have to take care
of all security breaches.

Any human who knows our
true identity must die.

Now, those are the rules,
and I'm stickin' with 'em.

Okay.

Fine. You're right.

Okay, that's very mature.

Big news, Don.

There's something you
should know about Sally,

Tommy, Harry, and me.

Okay, fine, fine!

I won't k*ll her.

But this conversation
is not over, mister.

Thank you.

Sally, I really took
your advice to heart.

So I went down to the station
and I made some changes.

You volunteered
for the anti-g*ng unit?

I'm opening a muffin shop!

What?

Don, that's ridiculous.
You were meant to be a cop.

Only in your dreams.

Whenever I was at work,
I was scared.

But whenever
I'm around muffins...

not so much.

d*ck, get in here and tell Don
what you were gonna tell him!

So it turns out that Sam and
Samantha were the same person.

Why are the crazy ones
always attracted to me?

I still can't believe
Don traded in his badge

for an apron
and a whisk.

I'm just really worried
he's giving up his calling.

Now that Mary knows about us,
we should invite her up here

to muse with us
about the earth.

Oh, this day
just keeps getting
better and better.

You know, I'll tell you
something interesting about--

[sounding like
space signal]

Incoming message
from the Big Giant Head.

The Big Giant Head
sends congratulations

on a job well done.

Nice.

And notice of your mission's
imminent cancellation.

Cancellation?

An inter-alien complaint
has been lodged

by Liam Neesom.

As you know,
the use of a w*apon

against another alien
is a mission violation.

He was gonna
turn us into chimps!

He did it first!

It doesn't matter
who started it!

The Big Giant Head
is telling you:

The mission is over.

Over?
No!

Yes...and that's final.

You must leave
by Saturday at midnight,

when your earth bodies
will expire.

Transmission ending
in 3, 2, 1--

[sneezes]

What happened?

We have
to go home.