04x06 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

My wedding to Marwa
is quickly approaching,

but treachery is afoot.
There are people

that are against me
getting married and being happy.

No one is against you
or you getting married.

Don't be so naive, my little friend.

Conspiracy is abound!
Ask the djinn. He will tell you.

Do you wish to know
if conspiracies abound?

No! Stop trying to trick me
into using up all my wishes.

You're just not
thinking straight, Master.

Maybe it's because you
haven't slept in a week?

(GROANS)

GUILLERMO: Nandor is
so hyper-focused on having

the perfect wedding,
he doesn't even slumber anymore.

He just lies awake all day,
thinking of more things

to make the wedding even more perfect.

NANDOR: Ah.

GUILLERMO: More things. More.

More, more, more. (LAUGHS)

Maybe you are the one
who is not thinking straight

because you have not slept in a week!

(SNORING)

(GASPS)

Yeah, no. I'm awake, I'm awake.
I was just...

I was just... Uh, my eyes
were just a little, just...

What were we talking about?

CREWMAN: We were just talking
about how hard

you're working on the wedding.

Yeah, no, it's true. I haven't
slept in a week, but I guess

that's what it's like to be
the best man to a vampire

who is absolutely losing
his f*cking mind

because he wants to have
the perfect f*cking wedding!

Can I do that last part again?

Just without the cursing this time?

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

NANDOR: Twirl it.

Mm, no.

You know, I've always dreamed
of having a big wedding.

Or at least since that time that
we watched The Wedding Planner

on that rainy Sunday together.

- That was nice.
- It was okay.

- (KNOCKING)
- MARWA: Knock, knock.

- NANDOR: Come in, my love. Hi.
- GUILLERMO: Hey.

I wanted to ask you
about the flower arrangements.

Yes. Red and black roses.

But I was really hoping
we could go for white and pink.

That's...

What about the black and the red?

No.

I will have Guillermo look
into it straightaway for you.

Thank you, my love.
Thank you, Guillermo.

- Of course.
- Bye.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- You see?

Even my own bride is trying
to sabotage this wedding

with her insane demands!

Enough.

- But... what?
- (DOOR OPENS)

So you're just going to
abandon me in my darkest hour?

No one's trying to sabotage
your wedding, okay?

- Pull yourself together.
- You pull yourself together.

And you do not snap at me.

- I'll snap at you.
- You just did.

Nandor, quick question.

Did you invite Sean
and Charmaine to your wedding?

Why would I do that? It is
an all-vampire wedding, Laszlo.

But I think
he would be greatly offended

- if you didn't invite him.
- Okay, fine.

Guillermo, figure out a way
to make it work.

LASZLO: Good man.

His request for a human
plus-two is all too transparent.

Add another name to the list
of people that are against me

- and my wedding.
- (GROANS SOFTLY)

Oh, perhaps I should add
your name to the list, also?

How much do you want
some of this stuff?

'Cause you literally have a genie...

- A djinn.
- Who can solve

all these problems, but no.

You don't want to use
any of your precious wishes.

Well, P. S.: you're gonna have
to, because some of these

things are literally impossible.

- Like what? Name one.
- Oh, one? Um, I don't know.

You want a live dodo bird to
roast for the wraiths to eat.

Oh, you would deny the servants
a hearty meal of their own?

- Can't we just do turkey?
- No!

It has be a dodo.
What's the problem here?

They're very slow birds,
very easy to catch.

- They're everywhere!
- Not anymore!

- Since when?
- !

- You'll figure it out.
- (GASPS)

I'll figure it out.

- Oh. (YELLING)
- (CRASHING, CLATTERING)

GUIDE: The nightclub needs
cheaper drinks.

No, we want the drinks
to be very expensive,

so then we attract rich humans.

Am I right? They gorge themselves

on sauces and creams,

and get their muscles massaged. Oh.

Rich humans are basically like veal...

Conceptually repulsive,
but so buttery on my tongue.

(YELLING, CLATTERING CONTINUING)

Hello?

Hello?

What the f*ck?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

- (NADJA CLEARS THROAT)
- Mm, my goodness.

Guillermo, did you kick
five holes in the wall

and then f*ck a chicken?

Hmm.

- No.
- What happened to the lamp?

You know what?

I think this little feller
is having a tantrum.

Is this true, Guillermo?

Is Nandor's wedding making you
put your knickers inside a twist?

It's just too much for you, isn't it?

Let him speak.

I'm perfectly fine to...

Say no more.

We can help.

- Okay.
- GUIDE: Let's see here, let's see here.

Oh, well, getting a dodo bird
is easy. That's no problem.

It is?

Yes, I have an antique dodo bird net

in the Chamber of Curiosities.
You can borrow it.

NADJA: It is obviously

not in my nature to want
to help Guillermo.

Don't put your back out
being grateful. (SPUTTERS)

But because he is the
nightclub's accountant, I really

need him to not have a stroke.

The Baron has not gotten back to you

about officiating the wedding ceremony?

- GUIDE: Hey.
- Yes.

We will take care of The Baron

so then you can turn all of your
attentions to catching the dodo bird.

Oh, wow. That feels

really weird being so nice. (GAGS)

Ooh.

- He is a good boy.
- (SIRE CHUFFS)

Would either of you like
to give him a little scritchie?

- No, but...
- Oh.

- (BARKS)
- Eeh.

Of course, I am so flattered
that Nandor asked me

to officiate his wedding
to the beautiful

- and charming what's-her-name.
- Hmm.

- Marwa.
- Gesundheit.

But what you ask of me...

- It is simply not possible.
- Baron,

everyone who's anyone who's
a vampire is going be there.

Yes, I am aware of that.

I am sorry.

But...

look at my wretched state.

Oh, I could not bear so many witnesses

to this tattered vessel.

Once they dined on the lavish feast

that was my visage,

but now, well,

I serve them only a charred

and flaking peasant's crust.

- Oh. You look great.
- Oh.

- NADJA: Never looked better.
- Oh, you are too kind.

- GUIDE: We're being honest.
- NADJA: Yeah, it's the truth.

But I am not the dashing, radiant being

that I once was.

I think I might know
just what you need.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That he's still fuckable

even though he looks like a burnt log?

No. Obviously, he's fuckable.

I mean, come on.

I am thinking that somebody needs

a...

makeover.

- Makeover.
- Makeover.

♪ What I want ♪

♪ You've got and it might ♪

♪ Be hard to handle ♪

♪ But like a flame
that burns the candle ♪

♪ The candle feeds the flame ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
what I've got, full stock ♪

♪ Of thoughts and dreams that scatter ♪

♪ And you pull them all together ♪

♪ And a-how, I can't explain ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, well, well, you ♪

♪ You make a-my dreams come true ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, waiting for, waiting for ♪

♪ Waiting for, waiting for,
waiting for ♪

- ♪ Waiting for ♪
- ♪ You make my dreams. ♪

(LAUGHING)

Okay, what about this one?

DJINN: It's just kind of what
you're wearing right now.

Back in Al-Qolnidar, I would
just wear the severed penis

of an enemy on a sling made
from his dismembered intestines.

- This is a wedding tradition?
- No.

For me, that was a Tuesday night.

(TITTERS)

Nothing?

Okay, whatever.

- Nandor?
- Yes, my love?

I was just looking through
the guest list and I noticed

- that my parents are not on here.
- Mm-hmm.

They had a prior engagement
of being very dead.

I just always thought
my parents would be there

for my wedding day.

Okay, fine. I will see what I can do.

Thank you.

(SIGHS) How many wishes do I have?

- You know I can't tell you that.
- Eh.

Okay, fine. I wish

for you to bring Marwa's parents
back to life for the wedding.

And do you want them to speak English?

Sure. Why not?

Do you want to bring
them back to life...

permanently, or-or...?

Eh, just for the weekend is fine.

- It is done.
- MARWA: Baba-joon! Maman!

- MARWA'S MOTHER: Oh, my dearest.
- MARWA'S FATHER: Where is that

- idiot husband of yours?
- MARWA: Baba, please.

On second thoughts,

maybe an early departure
on Sunday after brunch.

GUILLERMO: Oh, and for
the chocolate fountain...

It's possible to just put stuff on that

that's not necessarily

chocolate, right?

- WOMAN: Like what?
- What? We want, uh, it...

- I'm not sure yet, but it's...
- Yes, that's fine.

Okay, it's fine? Can I get a couple

of those, uh, five-hour
energy capsules, please?

Talking about the normal ones
or the kinds for your d*ck?

Derek.

Sorry, one se-one second.

- Derek, what are you doing here?
- I'm working.

- Working? You're a vampire.
- Hush.

And being a vampire doesn't
exactly pay the bills, so...

- What bills?
- Clothes, coffin,

storage facility for the coffin.
Which, by the way,

I'm not allowed to sleep in,

but whatever. But, you know,

it's not a bad gig.

Why don't you just take money
from the peop...

from the victims that you k*ll?

Because I'm a vampire, not a thief.

All right, so that's $ . .

, , and .

- What's going on, my man?
- Thanks.

- I'm-I'm good. I just... Oh.
- (PHONE BUZZES)

It's the flower people.
I have to take... I have

- to take this. Hello. Guillermo.
- Oh, okay.

Great sh**ting the sh*t with you, man.

- Mm-hmm.
- Really good.

In fact, good to talk to, well, anyone.

I'm sorry, can you give me
one se-one second?

Really quick, one second.

Derek?

- Are you okay?
- Ye-Yeah.

Yeah. No. Ish.

You know, it's really lonely being a...

a vampire.

Say, do you want a key cut
or something?

Do you want

to go to a vampire wedding?

- I do.
- I'll send you the info?

- Yeah. Text it to me.
- I'll text it to you.

- I have to go, though, okay? Okay.
- Okay. Cool.

Wait. You had my
number this whole ti... Mm.

- Yeah. I have to go.
- Hmm. Okay, yeah.

NANDOR: I am not being
greedy with my wishes.

I simply do not have that many left.

- How many do you have left?
- Not many.

- Ay...
- GUIDE: Well, poor Guillermo.

He's about to have a nervous breakdown

with all this stuff he has to get done.

- Boo-f*cking-hoo.
- NADJA: She's right.

And it's a terrible thing
when you work with someone,

and all you want to do is please them,

but they treat you like
a piece of human sh*t they wish

they could just scrape off
the sole of their shoe.

- What?
- Huh?

Nandor, what is the point
in having a djinn

if you're not going to use the djinn?

- Uh...
- GUIDE: With all due respect,

you are being a real bridezilla.

- I don't know what that is.
- GUIDE: Oh, it's like

a combination of a bride
and a Godzilla.

What is a Godzilla?

Okay, I think we're getting
a little bit off-topic.

He's a giant lizard creature
that destroys cities.

- Enough!
- Whoa!

- Whoa! f*ck!
- (HIGH-PITCHED TONE)

- You were saying?
- Nandor,

if you want these impossible things,

then you're going
to have to use your wishes.

Okay, fine!

I wish for Baron Afanas to be returned

to his original, non-burnt-up,
non-just-a-torso form.

- It is done.
- I wish for a live dodo bird

that we will slaughter and roast

and feed to the Wraith waitstaff.

- It is done.
- And while we're at it,

I wish that Marwa would like
all the same things that I like.

- It is done.
- And I wish that...

I'm sorry, but you've used up
all your wishes now.

- What?
- Well, it's been, um...

Yes, yeah.

- Happy now?
- I just got everything

- I wanted out of this, so...
- Hmm.

- Yeah, big smile.
- Okay, I wish for you all

- to get the f*ck out of my bedroom.
- DJINN: Okay, I can do that.

(SQUAWKS)

- ANNOUNCER: This season...
- Game face.

The boys are back
with even bigger flips.

More demo, more laughs...

(LAUGHING)

Remove those blindfolds.

And even more surprises than before.

Go flip yourself.

Tuesdays at : .

NANDOR: I am very glad that

my wedding will now be perfect.

I do feel a little sad that I had

to use up all my wishes to make it so.

Hmm.

Looking back,

- (YAWNING)
- I probably should not

have used up so many wishes
on such trivial things.

I wish for the lid
of my coffin to be closed.

Are you sure?
I can just go fetch Guillermo.

With Guillermo,
it will be a whole thing.

- (LID CLOSES)
- NANDOR: Ah.

Guillermo.

The dodo did a doo-doo.

BOTH: Sean and Charmaine Rinaldi,

you will not be freaked out

that almost everyone at this wedding

is a vampire.

And tomorrow morning,

you will remember

♪ Nothing. ♪

- ♪
♪
- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Three-quarters full,
and people are still coming in.

Yes, I can hear them. I can
hear their hushed whispers.

Hoping and praying
for a disaster that will

prevent my nuptials
from being finalized.

Will you listen to yourself?

'Cause maybe it's you who's actually
not too sure about this wedding.

And maybe you're the one
trying to sabotage it

by accusing everyone else
of being against it.

Can you blame me
for being a little afraid?

It's a big step for me.

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

You're gonna be okay.

I'm gonna be right here by your side.

So, if you're scared,

- I'll be right there.
- I never said I was scared.

I said I was afraid.
There's a difference.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

Well, if you get afraid, I'll be there.

Yes.

Thank you, Guillermo.

You're my best...

man.

- You're a vampire, too?
- Yes, I am.

- Get the f*ck out of here.
- (CHARMAINE SQUEALS)

That's so cool. Sean Rinaldi.

- This is my wife Charmaine.
- (GUILLERMO CLEARS THROAT)

And now, it gives me great pleasure

to introduce tonight's officiant,

a legend of the vampire world for over

ten centuries, -(SIRE GROWLS SOFTLY)

please give it up for Baron Afanas!

(WHOOPING)

- Now we're talking.
- Here we go.

- ♪
♪
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (GUIDE CATCALLING)

- Look at that.
- (GROWLS, LAUGHS)

LASZLO: Oh, yes, that'll do.

NADJA: That will do very nicely.

LASZLO: I'm as stiff as a board.

NADJA DOLL: Make way. Coming through.

Please rise for the bride.

- (GALLERY GASPS)
- VAMPIRE: Beautiful!

- GUIDE: Wow.
- LASZLO: Oh, there we are.

♪ ♪

- Lovely.
- You look beautiful.

- Hi.
- Hi

- Mm.
- You may sit.

(WHISPERS): Sit down, sit down.

Let's leave it.

Dearly benighted,

we gather here tonight

to join these two in unholy matrimony.

- I'll be all over that later.
- BARON: Not to bore you

with a long speech because, well,

it is not just the bride and groom

who are eager to get down
to some fornicating.

- Am I right?
- NADJA: Yow! Yow!

(LAUGHING)

So, before they exchange rings,

I must ask if anyone here
can show just cause

why Nandor and Marwa
may not be lawfully wed.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

- There's no one disagreeing.
- Then,

- by the power vested in...
- MARWA'S MOTHER: I object.

- (GASPING, MURMURING)
- SEAN: Whoa.

- MARWA: Mama, please.
- Awkward.

NANDOR: I told you.

- Didn't I tell you?
- Yes.

A vampire marrying a woman
he was already married to,

but then abandoned to die alone, only

to be brought back
to life by djinn magic?

It's just not natural.

Mother, this is what I want.

But I can't just not say anything.

(SIGHS) Well, you could try.

So awkward.

So... that happened.

- Now, with no further ado...
- I, too, object.

- The f*ck?
- NADJA: I sort of feel like

this is more about
Nandor wanting a wedding,

and wear a big dress,
than actually wanting

to be married to Marwa.
Facts are facts.

I'm gonna sit down. I'm done.

- NANDOR: Thank you for that.
- Proceed

(LAUGHING): Well, anybody else?

Actually, yes, I thought
of something else.

- Oh.
- (PEOPLE MURMURING)

I just want to conclude by saying

I think all marriage is a sham.
(LAUGHS)

Apart from my own marriage

to my darling wife Nadja over there.

The very first time
I met Nandor the Relentless,

- I fell deeply in love with him.
- Ooh!

'Course, as I got to know him better,

that feeling faded.

But the memory

of that one-sided passion

is still too much

for me to give this marriage
my full endorsement. Thank you.

Hello. Um, my name is Derek.

- Who invited this guy?
- I'm just a bit bummed

these two can find love
and get married, but I can't

find one chill bud
to have a bull sesh with?

I only very recently became aware

that vampires are real.

Which, by the way,
doesn't freak me out at all.

- Mm.
- It got me to thinking.

- Everlasting life.
- CHARMAINE: Aw.

You know? That's a long time.

Long time to be with another person.

You like her right now, but...

Marwa, I just want to say
that I think it's a little rude

that you haven't stopped by my house.

You're new to the neighborhood.
You haven't bought any, like,

cookies or anything.
That's what people do.

Nope. Sorry, we do not validate.

Once again, for the last time,
please do not get in line

to ask if we validate.

G-Get on with it.

I cannot tell you how moved I am...

Since when did The Sire speak English?

Oh, I taught him. Flashcards, mostly.

- Hmm.
- Time lays waste to all.

And love turns to dust.

Ruin is inevitable.

And all else is prelude.

SEAN: He's got a point.

NANDOR: Thank you for that.

GUILLERMO:
Next it's... The Guide again.

I forgot to say earlier,

I also fell deeply in love

with Marwa when I first met her.

Enough of this bullshit!
I've had enough!

I know what you are doing.

You're plotting against me.

f*ck you.

- And I agree with him.
- Thank you.

I admit,

I have had my doubts
about this marriage, as well.

(LOUD GASPING)

I almost called it off more than once.

- What?
- But then, yesterday,

a feeling came over me.

And I realized that if this is what

- Nandor wants...
- LASZLO: Oh, f*ck.

- Then it is what I want, also.
- Oh.

'Cause when it comes to Nandor,

I like what he likes.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

- ♪
♪
- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Marwa, I must ask,

when did this moment come over you

where you realized that

whatever I like, you like also?

Yesterday evening.

Was it early evening or late?

Late evening.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes.

I'd forgotten how handsome
a vampire the Baron is.

Oh, yes, he's absolutely delicious.

I must confess we had a little quickie

in the cloakroom after the ceremony.

- As good as you remembered?
- Oh, so much better.

Right. Well, then don't mind if I do.

- Oh, enjoy, my love. Ooh. (LAUGHS)
- I bloody will.

I say there, Baron,

fantastic to see you returned
to your former glory.

I have been wanting to have
a private word with you, Laszlo.

If you would be so good as to meet me

in the coatroom in five minutes.

Oh, yes.

I think I can manage that.

Ah. Oh.

- MARWA: Baba, let's dance.
- So.

So.

I suppose later tonight

is when you will make her a vampire

so that the two of you can be together

forever and ever

and all eternity.

We will see.

Yes, just as I thought.

SEAN: So that was great.

-Then other times, I hit, uh,
-Thank you.

Dyker Beach... which, yes,
it's a public course...

But, oh, man, I mean, they
really take care of the greens.

So you, uh, get out to the links often?

- (HISSING)
- (LAUGHS) I hear that.

- Ah...
- (GUIDE GIGGLING)

- (SINGSONGY): Guillermo.
- (GASPS SOFTLY)

- Marwa.
- Hi.

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

Congratulations.

You have done such a wonderful
job tonight, Guillermo.

Oh, no. (LAUGHS)

I don't know
what I would do without you.

- Mmm.
- Oh. Thank you.

- Oh.
- That's... Thank...

Oh, well, that's a lot
of kissing. (CHUCKLES)

- Mmm.
- Thank you. Wow.

- Hey, bro.
- Hey! Fu...

I got you a little,
uh, wedding present.

A brand-new djinn lamp.

What?

It's a little small.

This one only has three wishes,

so use them wisely, huh?

Could I use one of the wishes

to wish for a thousand more wishes?

- No.
- Eh.

Thanks for nothing.

♪ There's going to be a wedding ♪

♪ A wedding in the dark ♪

♪ There's going to be a marriage ♪

♪ And everyone will ask ♪

♪ Who will come first
on the wedding night ♪

♪ The wedding night,
the wedding night ♪

♪ Who will come first
on the wedding night? ♪

♪ I think Nandor might ♪

♪ On the wedding night ♪

♪ Who will come first
on the wedding night? ♪

♪ If his cock feels right ♪

♪ And her p*ssy is tight... ♪

- Should I put hair on it?
- NADJA DOLL: It looks much better.

- Hey!
- NADJA DOLL: Uh-oh.

Little Colin Robinson,
what are you doing?

- Shoo, you little rascal!
- (GIGGLING)

- NADJA DOLL: Run, Colin, run!
- BABY COLIN: Go, go, go, go!

Oh.

♪ On the wedding night ♪

- ♪ The wedding night ♪
- NADJA: Come on, boys.

♪ Who'll come first
on the wedding night ♪

It's okay. Back to sleep.

Back to sleep.

NADJA (IN DISTANCE): So, this song
is called "The House Mate."

♪ He's relentless in love,
he's relentless in bed ♪

♪ He's Nandor the Relentless ♪

♪ He wears all sorts of capes ♪

♪ He's not got much in his head ♪

♪ He's Nandor the Relentless. ♪

Nandor has, uh,

really wasted a lot of wishes

- on stupid things.
- NANDOR (HIGH-PITCHED): Yee-haw!

It's the bee's buzz!
What a good bee you are.

Oh, hey! So fun!

Okay, now.

DJINN: But it's not my job to judge.

Hey... No, I-I said
I wanted to play one-on-one

with the real guy,
not the cardboard cutout guy.

I should have been more specific.

Three points! Hey!

♪ Hold me forever ♪

♪ Kiss me until I see
the heavens open ♪

♪ Promise my heart
will not be broken... ♪

- (GASPS) Sean? Oh, Seanie.
- Shut the f*ck up.

What's wrong with you?!

- What did you do last night?
- Jesus.

Uh... I don't...

- What?
- I don't remember.

I must have really
torn one up, huh? (LAUGHS)

Wait a minute. Weren't you there?

No. I was in bed by : .

Aw, sh*t. You know what,

I think I had one of those
CBD gummies Brenda gave me.

They make me f*cking crazy.
Just get up.

That's why you don't do the marijuana.

Oh, my God. I would never do
the marijuana. That's a drug.

- That's dr*gs. Come on. Let's go.
- What do you think CBD is?!

♪ Hold me forever ♪

♪ Never let me go without you ♪

♪ Kiss me until I see
the heavens open ♪

♪ Promise my heart will not be. ♪