04x17 - Can't Hardly Wait/A Mutt Above

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise

Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
Post Reply

04x17 - Can't Hardly Wait/A Mutt Above

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [screams]
Look what came in the mail.

The Fairway Golf University
course catalogue!

Oh, what courses
should I take, Dad?

Biochemistry and Bogeys,
or Sand-traps and Sociology?

Ooh, yikes.

Both textbooks are bucks.

- [whimpers]

Which shirt
should I wear, Daddy?

The banana or the kitten?

Come on, Dad.

We said we wouldn't
get sad yet.

- [whimpers]

I'm sorry, sweetie.

It's just...my baby girl
is moving out soon,

and won't be around
for our midnight movies.

Or our flour fights.

Or our morning cocoa dates.

- I know, Dad.

But it's not like
I'm moving to Mars.

- Well, you might as well be.

That golf school is . miles
away.

That's just a guess.
It's not like I mapped

it out or anything.

- Dad.

- But you're right.

Let's keep our chins up
and make the most

of the hang time we have left.

Well, I better get
to the restaurant, sweetie.

Business sure has gotten busy.

- Yeah, you might need
to hire more employees.

both: [gasp]
Wait a minute.

- Why don't you--
- Why don't I--

both: Work at the restaurant?

- I get an extra employee.

- I'll save money for college.

- And we get to hang
out all the time.

- Literally perfect.

[both cheering]

- [grumbles]

I'm pleased for you,
but might you take your jumping

elsewhere until I finish
my puffed corn?

[both cheering]

Okay, Lori-Lou,

I gotta prep food in the kitch,
but you can shadow Kotaro

while he waits tables.

Then when you're felling ready,
jump in.

- Sounds good, Dad.

- ♪ My bestie's
training my Lori ♪

♪ Everything at Lynn's
is hunky-dory ♪

- [scatting]

- I can see why you
and my dad are friends.

- The mark of a great waiter
is being able to memorize

an order
without writing it down.

Hi, I'm Kotaro.

I'll be taking care
of you today.

What can I get you?

[overlapping chatter]

- Okay, so that's one
turkey burger no pickles,

two orders of Lynn-sagna,
a dozen mac n' cheese bites,

and...I'm gonna throw
in a basket of tater tots

'cause I like you guys.

- You're cool, man.
- You're getting a big tip.

- I dig your style.

- Here's a trick to save time.

Carry all the plates
out at once.

Oops! Can't forget
the hot cheese dip.

- Got you covered.
- Isn't that heavy?

- I've been wearing a weighted
hat to strengthen my neck.

[grunts]

Wow. That's literally
dedication.

- Always be thinking
about the customers

and what they might need.

- Waiter, I haven't
gotten my bread.

- Sorry for the wait,
young lady.

I wanted it to be fresh.
Cheese dip?

- Make it rain.

That covers just
about everything.

And if you ever find
yourself in a jam,

bring out the free mints.

- Thanks for your help, Kotaro.

I think I'm ready
for the my first table.

[exhales]

Oh, hi, Principal Huggins.

Hi, Cheryl.
What can I get you?

- Aren't you going to take
out a writing utensil?

- Nah, I have
a really good memory.

- I seem to recall
you struggling

to memorize your times tables,

but I'll take your word for it.

I'll have the barbecue
chicken salad,

dressing on the side,
and hot tea.

- And I will have
the French dip and iced tea.

Heavy on the sugar, sugar.

- Got it.

Barbecue chicken salad,

dressing on the side,
hot tea.

French dip, iced tea,
heavy on the sugar, sugar.

- Waitress, what salad
dressings do you have?

- Oh, um, let me just put

in this order,
and I'll be right back--

- Do you carry ranch?
- [sighs]

Yes, and we also have
bleu cheese, balsamic,

Caesar, and Italian.
Which one would you like?

- I didn't order a salad.
I just like to know.

- [groans]

- Okay, now what did
Cheryl and Huggins want?

Side salad?
No.

Cobb salad with no dressing?
Uh-uh.

No salad with extra dressing?
Ugh.

I seem to remember
a lot of sugar,

but that can't be right.
Dang it.

- Busier than a one-legged cat
in a sandbox.

[laughs]

- Sorry, but, uh,
I forgot your order.

- I knew it, I knew it,
I knew it.

- Uh, care for a free mint?

- [shrieks]

- [laughs nervously]

- Order up!
Tables five and seven.

- Thanks, Dad.

Wait. Kotaro said to carry
all the plates at once.

[panting]

I can do this.
It's all about balance.

Like a possum
eating a sweet tater.

[laughs]

- No, no, no.

Shoo, fly.
Shoo.

[groans]

- Never mind, hon.

We can grab some fish sticks
at the school, Wilbur.

- Hey, Mom.
Hey, Lis.

You guys getting lunch?

- Yep. We wanted
to wish you well

on your first day.

So how's it going?

- It's going...not good.

I stink as a waitress.
I can't remember the orders.

I'm dropping all the food.

And every time
I pass Scoots's table,

she wants some weird thing.

She just asked me
to microwave some lemons

because they were too cold.

- [chews loudly]

- Fear not, eldest sibling.

I can help you with your
waitressing woes.

Frankly,
I could use the challenge.

It only took me seconds
to solve the puzzle

on the young humans' menu.

BRB.

[loud racket]

- Lisa Marie, where are you
going with my good zester?

Santa's watching!

- Please secure these
to your back.

- [screams]

- Behold.
Robotic waitress arms.

They balance plates,

feature a built-in pepper mill
and condiment dispenser,

and the best part is,
they're voice activated,

much like your smart phone.

- Wow, Lisa,
thank you so much.

- I hope they serve you well.

In the meantime,
may I request a booster seat?

- Coming right up.

- Can we get our bill?

- Pepper mill.
Coming up.

- Wait. Pepper makes me--
[sneezing]

- Robot arms, stop, stop!

- Two chop salads?
You got it.

- [grunts]

- No! That's not what I meant.

- Condiments.
Coming right up.

- Lisa, help!

- Open the back panel and--

[yells]

- [grunting]

- Or that works, too.

- I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm literally
a terrible waitress.

Even with robot arms.

I guess our dream
of working together

isn't going to happen
after all.

- Now don't give up yet,
Lori-Lori-Morning-Glory.

There are plenty of other
jobs you could try.

You know what, I could really
use an assistant chef.

Plus, if you're back here,

we would get
to hang out even more.

- [giggles]Perfect.
So what can I get started on?

- How about you, uh, give those
onions the ole chippity chop.

- I'm on it.[laughs]
♪ Found a new job ♪

♪ Luck's starting to turn ♪

♪ Chopping these onions ♪

♪ Eyes starting to burn ♪

Ow, ow!
Towel!

I Need a towel.

- Wait, no!

My aged rib-eye!

- [yells]

- My best friend!

- Sorry, Dad.
Sorry, Kotaro.

Is there maybe
a third job I can try?

So you'll have
the steaks here by four?

Great. Thanks, Vera.

[gasps]

- I take it you're the valet.
- Yep.

- Fancy joint.

Here.
Don't ding it, chief.

- [yelps]

Just breathe
through my mouth.

Come on.
[yelps]

Well, that can't be good.

[engine turns and revs]

Why won't this get into gear?

[screams]

[sighs]

Maybe there's a fourth job
I could try?

[screams]

[grunting]

- [yells]
What the dingus!

- No!

♪ Better at this ♪

- Ooh wee, that's a nice john.

I could've spent
the afternoon in there.

[screams]

- Sorry! I forgot to put
out the wet floor sign.

- [yells]

- Hot cheese!

Ooh, that's tasty there.

- Okay, this is
the only job left.

I cannot mess this up.

All I have to do
is shut it and press start.

Oh, no!
I forgot the soap.

[screams]

Turn it off, turn it off!

- Oh, no, sweetie!
I'll help you!

- Dad, I'm so sorry,

but I literally
failed at every job.

There's nothing left
for me to even try.

I give up.

[cries]

- Aw, don't worry, kiddo.

I'm sure we can still
figure something out.

- No, Dad.

You should hire someone
who will actually help you,

not make your job harder.

Oh, I forgot to mention
I ordered more steaks

from the distributor
since we lost all that rib-eye.

It should be here by four.

And I adjusted Kotaro
and Grant's Saturday shifts.

No need to have
them both working

in the morning when
you're not busy, right?

- Oh, I--I didn't think to--

- Last thing.
I posted the specials online

so customers could see
them ahead of time.

- Wow, that's actually
a really--

- [sighs]

- I better leave before

I mess anything else up.

- You're not going anywhere.
- Huh?

- I just realized
there's a perfect job for you

here after all.

Manager!
- What?

- All those things
you just told me about,

ordering, scheduling,
promoting,

that's all stuff
a great manager does.

And I could really use one.

I've been using my hat
as a filing cabinet.

What do you say, kiddo?

- You really think
I could be manager?

- ♪ Slicing and dicing
this kiwi ♪

♪ So fast,
you can't even see me ♪

♪ I'm a blur,
I'm a blur ♪

Ow, my finger!

- Hey, Dad, I got
the tablecloths laundered.

Oh, and I found extra chairs
in the basement

so we don't need to order more,

and I made the puzzle
on the kiddie menu harder,

per Lisa's request.

- Wow! You did all that
in a morning?

-Mm-hmm.

- Kiddo, you are the best
manager I could ever hope for.

- Thanks, Dad.

I'm just glad we found a way
to spend more time together.

- Aw, me too, sweetie.

Let's make the most
of it while you're--

[whimpers]

still here.

[laughter]

- Oh, I did one more thing.

Took care of our
most difficult customer.

- Sick ride.

- Now, that's a hog.

- Scoots just needed
some friends.

- Let's get a round
of hot cheese dip,

and I'll tell you guys
about the time I took this hog

all they Vegas!

all: Ooh!

[upbeat classical music]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]

Yeah!

Charles, fetch!

- [panting]

- [coughs]

Whoops. My bad.

Mm, something smells
good in here.

- Well, well,
if it isn't Lana Loud

in her natural habitat.

- Oh, hi, Lacey.

I didn't know you had a dog.

- [scoffs]
Victoire isn't just a dog.

She's a purebred Maltese
from a long line of champions.

- Aww. Nice to meet you, Vicky.

Hey, Charles, come say hi!

- [gasps]

Victoire, stay away from that
classless mutt.

- Hey, don't talk
about my Charles like that.

- I was talking about you.

But your dog's
no prize, either.

- [gasps]

- Funny how pets resemble
their owners, no?

[growls]

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Charles is a great dog.

No, the best dog.

- Care to prove it?

The Royal Woods Dog Show
is next weekend,

and the champion gets
a fabulous gold trophy.

I know because there are three

in Victoire's dog house
right now.

- Well, don't count
on a fourth,

'cause this year,
that trophy's going to Charles.

[both laughing]

Well, best of luck, I guess.
Come on, Victoire.

We're late for your eyelash
curling appointment.

- Don't worry.

We'll show that snob,
and her little dog, too.

Okay, so I found this video
of last year's dog show.

This should tell us everything
we need to do to b*at Vict--

Vic--you know who
I'm talking about.

- Welcome to the th Annual
Royal Woods Dog Show.

Today, the canine
crème de la crème

will vie for the coveted
title of Champion.

To win, they'll need to give
a perfect performance

in the Agility Class,

Show off their fanciest frills
in the Costume Class,

and be on their best behavior
in the Class Class.

- Okay. Wow.

Don't know what
I was expecting, but...

we've still got this.
Right, Charles?

- [snoring]

- Uh-oh.

First up is the Agility class.

Hey. Hey.

I built a replica
of last year's course

so you can practice.

Remember. The goal
is speed and precision.

And go!

Uh, yeah,
maybe I should demonstrate.

Whoo!

Seven seconds.

Think you can b*at that,
Charles?

- [barks]
- Charles?

Shoo, shoo!

And go!

We're not swinging
right now, bud.

You gotta jump through it.

Here, let's try the tunnel.

If you can run
from this end to the other,

I'll give you lots
of ear scratchies.

- [barks]
- [groans]

Okay, for the dress-up part,

I was thinking
you could wear one of Lily's

old Halloween costumes.

Here, this isn't so bad.

- [growls]

- come on.

Just try the bowtie.

- [yelping]

- [screams]

- [snarling]

- Okay, boy,
now I'm going to show you

how to behave
for the Class Class.

I'll be the dog,
and Lincoln will be the owner.

See?

He's wearing a suit

without making a big
stink about it.

- This is actually
for Lucy's mock funeral later.

- Shall we begin?

- Lana.

Heel.

Very good.

Now shake.

Speak.

- Ruff.

- Good girl.

- See, Charles?
It's easy.

How about showing
us a nice heel?

- [barks]

- Ugh. You again?

Scram, flutter face.

Okay, now where were we?

Oh, right.
Charles, shake.

[groans]

come on.
I know you can do this.

[clears throat]

Charles, speak.

- [coughing]

- [barks]

- This isn't funny.

If you don't start acting
like a show dog,

we're never going to b*at Lacey
and Victoire.

Don't you want
to prove them wrong?

[sighs]

- [groaning]

Lana, just the person
I've been looking for.

My engine's been making
this weird nose,

kind of like...

[gibbers]

Hey, what's wrong?

- I'm just trying
to get Charles to win

this fancy competition thing,
but it's hopeless.

Let's have a look
at your engine.

- No, no, no.
Did you say fancy competition?

Tell me more.

- Well, Lacey St. Clair thinks
her dog is better than Charles

just 'cause she's won
a bunch of trophies.

So I told her Charles
could win a trophy, too.

But he's gotta act all classy
and dignified and--well...

- [grunting]

- Like I said.
Hopeless.

- Not necessarily.

I have seen some
miraculous transformations

in my pageant career.

- Hmm.
He's got the bone structure.

All he needs is a little focus
and self-discipline.

- How do I teach him that junk?

- Tell you what.

You fix my engine,
and I'll train Charles myself.

- Really?

- I should warn you.

I take competition
very seriously.

No messing around.

- Whatever it takes
to b*at those snobs.

- Give me hours with him.

Come along, Charles.
You answer to Coach Lola now.

- Whoops. Guess I should wake
him before the funeral.

- Actually--

- [yells]

He's fine just like that.

[upbeat classical music]

♪ ♪

- Come on, Lola.
Where are you?

- Hold your horses.

We had to stop
for a tongue scraper.

- [gasps]

Charles, is that you?

- Go ahead, Charles.
Shake.

- [gasps]

Good job, boy!

That deserves
some ear scratchies.

- That's right, Charles.

We don't want
to mess up our fur.

- Well, well.

if it isn't Lana Loud
and her mangy dog Ch--

[gasps]

Wait, you got a new dog?

- Nope. This is my Charles.

- Oh, good.

You'll want to have practiced
that face when he wins.

[laughs]

- Come on, Victoire.
I want to re-fluff your bangs.

both: [chuckle]
We so got this.

- A flawless run
by our returning champion,

Victoire St. Clair.

A joy to watch, as always.

- Next up--
oh, we have a newcomer.

Charles Loud.

- You nervous, boy?

Want a good-luck hug?

- [scoffs]

- [whimpers]

- On your mark, Charles.

And...begin!

[upbeat classical music]

♪ ♪

And he sticks the landing!

Very nice.

- Way to go, boy!

Oh, right, right.The fur.

- Come along, Charles.
The Costume Class is next.

- [laughs]

Good luck
getting him into that.

♪ ♪

- [gasps]
- Beautiful.

[applause]

- Charles, sit.

Charles, shake.

Charles, speak.

- [refined bark]

- Stunning. Simply stunning.

- [whispers]

- Uh, Charles,
pour the tea?

[audience oohs and ahhs]

- Amazing!
- Why, I never.

- This dog is really putting
the class in the Class Class.

The judges have tallied
their scores,

and the Champion of this year's
Royal Woods Dog Show is...

Ooh!
In a shocking turn of events,

we have a tie

between Victoire St. Clair

and Charles Loud!

[all gasp]

- How do you decide the winner?

Do they wrestle for it?

Do I wrestle Lacy for it?

- [laughs]

We do a walk-off.

Each dog will take
one last trot

around the ring for the judges.

Victoire, as reigning champion,
you will go first.

- [grumbles]

- A walk-off?

Oh, this calls
for more hairspray!

I keep some in my glove box.
Be right back.

- We got this, Charles.

Just one more walk
to win the trophy,

then we can go celebrate
any way you want.

Maybe go digging
for some trash hoagies?

You like that?

- [gags]

- Oh. Okay.

Well, how about we find
some mud to rill in?

- [growls]

- No?

But you love that.

What's wrong?

That stuff used
to make you so happy.

Look, I know I made you get
all fancy for the show, but...

you're still
my muddy buddy, right?

- [growls]

- [sniffles]

What have I done?

I can't believe
I lost my Charles

just to prove
something to a snob.

I get you don't
do hugs anymore,

but I really need one.

[sobbing]

- [sniffs]

- What is it, boy?

Your old tennis ball!

You remembered.

Aww, I knew my dog
was in there somewhere.

- Lana, Charles,
the crowd awaits.

- Actually,
I think we're done here.

- [yells]

- But don't you want your dog

to be a champion?

- Nope. I just want him
to be himself.

Want to get out of here, boy?

[laughing]

Thanks for all your help,
Lola,

but Charles and I have
a date at the park.

- You're walking
away from a trophy?

Who does that?

- [barks]

- Well, well.

If it isn't Lana Loud
and her mangy dog,

back to their usual grossness.

- Yep. And I wouldn't
trade it for the world.

- [screams]

[laughter]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
Post Reply