04x24 & 04x25 - Write and Wrong/Purrfect Gig

[bunniefuu]

- * Crashing through
the crowded halls *

* Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls *

* Just to reach the bathroom
on time *

* Leaping over laundry piles *

* Diapers you can smell
for miles *

* Guy's got to do
what he can to survive *

- * In the Loud house *

* In the Loud house *

- * Duck, dodge, push,
and shove *

* Is how we show our love *

- * In the Loud house,
in the Loud house *

- * One boy and ten girls *

* Wouldn't trade it
for the world *

- * Loud Loud Loud *

* Loud house *

- Poo-poo.

[idyllic music]

* *

[kids yelling]

- Get back here!
- Keep going.

- [laughs]
Get it?

- Lynn, check this out.
- Who has gout?

- No, I said look at this.
- I'm not cooking fish!

[kids yelling]

[rock music blaring]

[both sigh]

- Wow, it gets loud--

in there.
What's up?

- Remember when I said I needed
a new writing challenge

now that my novel is done?
- Yes.

- And that I was hoping
I could make writing

my full-time career?
- Yes.

- Ba-bam!

I-I heard Lynn Jr. say that.
Anyway, look.

The "Royal Woods Gazette"
is looking

for a writer to pen
a weekly parenting column.

- Wow!

You're the perfect fit
for this.

You'll totally slay.

I heard Leni say that.

Anyway, you should definitely
go for it.

- Thanks, honey.

I'm gonna email my resume
right away.

[kids yelling,
rock music blaring]

Well, in a few minutes.

[both sigh]

* La da dee, la da da,
la da dum *

[ringtone chimes]
Hello?

- Rita Loud?

Jesse Hiller from
the "Royal Woods Gazette."

Here's the headline:

I think you're
a perfect candidate

for the columnist job.

Our readers would love to hear

how a mother of
keeps it together

in our new column
Perfect Parenting.

- Hold on.
Perfect Parenting?

- Stop the presses.
Is there a problem?

[kids yelling]

- Poo-poo.
[whistle blows]

- [sighs]
No problem at all.

If you want perfect
parenting advice,

you've come to
the right place.

- Wonderful!

Then the last step
is going on the record

with an in person interview.
- Great.

Just tell me
when it's convenient,

and I'll come by your office.

- Oh, no.
I want to see you in action.

Like the "Gazette's"
afternoon delivery,

I'll be on your doorstep
at : .

- Aah!
I mean great.

See you then.

[sighs]
No problem.

I've totally got this.

[expl*si*n]

- I'm okay!

Do we have any industrial
strength glue?

- I can't stress enough

how important
this interview is, kids.

I really want this job,

so I need you all of you
to be perfect.

[kids groaning]
- Are you kidding me?

- Being good is hard enough.

I don't know
if we can reach perfect.

- [imitates buzzer]
Spoiler: we can't.

- Sigh.
- Ga-ga.

- This is worrisome.
- Highly impractical.

- Okay, okay.
How about this?

If I get the job,

I'll take you to Jean-Juan's
French Mex Buffet

for a celebration dinner.

[kids gasp]
- You can count on us, Mom!

- Yeah, we are gonna impress
the snot out of this lady!

- Yeah, uh, we don't need
an illustration.

- Come on, guys,
let's go get perfect!

- [laughs]

[animals groan]

- Yes, I know bribery
isn't perfect parenting,

but I want this job.

[doorbell rings]

Why, Ms. Hiller,
welcome to my home!

- Hello, Rita.
Headline: you look lovely.

Sub head:
your home is immaculate.

- [chuckles]

Would you care
for a homemade blueberry muffin

or some
fresh squeezed lemonade?

- Oh, you really do have it
all together, don't you?

Mmm, mmm.

- [yowls]

- Mmm.
- [sighs]

Would you like to meet
my little angels?

Oh, children!

- I'm Laurie.
- I'm Leni.

- Luna, at your service.
- I'm Luan.

- Lynn Loud, Junior.
- Lincoln.

- Hello, I'm Lucy.

- Lana.
Nice to meet ya.

- Lola Loud.
Charmed, I'm sure.

- Lisa Loud, PhD.
- Wi-wee.

- Well, aren't you all
a delight?

Now tell me,

what's it like having
a mom like yours?

- Excellent question, dude--
uh, ma'am.

I think we can best answer it
in song.

* Life in the Loud house
is like no other *

- * And that's all thanks
to our amazing mother *

* *

- * She takes me where
I need to be *

- * She helps me
with my poetry *

- * She's everybody's
cup of tea *

kids:
* She's our amazing mother *

* *

- [laughs nervously]

- * She helps us
with our growing pains *

- * And nourishes
our growing brains *

- * You should see her
fly a plane *

kids:
* She's our amazing mother *

- * She keeps us laughing,
never solemn *

- * She really makes our lives
the b*mb *

kids: * That's why she should
write your column *

* We think
she's an amazing mom *

- Sensational!

This reviewer
gives you five stars.

[laughs]

- Another flawless performance,
children.

Now why don't you head upstairs
and play quietly?

- Can we clean
our rooms instead?

- [laughs]
Of course.

- Well, Rita, this afternoon
was absolutely perfect!

Breaking news: you're hired!

[cheering]

[light applause]

- Thank you, Jesse.
[laughs]

I'm speechless.

- That's all right.
Save you words for the column.

[humming tune]

[kids cheering]

- Hey, I'm ready for the song--

oh, no, I missed it!

[idyllic music]

- Dear Homework Harpy,
remind your children

that they can have fun
once their homework is done.

It's a simple rhyme that will
increase their productivity.

Dear Manic at Mealtime,
if your kids are picky eaters,

just arrange their veggies
into a beautiful mosaic,

and invite them
to eat a masterpiece.

Dear Bathtime Bungler--

Dear Mall Meltdown--

Dear Potty Training Patsy--

* *

- Excuse me.

Are you Rita Loud from
the Perfect Parenting column?

- Why, yes, I am!

- I read your column every day!

[whispers]
I'm Homework Harpy.

[kids yelling]

[loud crash]

Oh, look at
those wild children.

Where are their parents?

- Well, I'll tell you
where they're not.

At home reading my column

on how to control your kids
in public.

- [laughs]
That's for sure.

Well said,
Perfect Parent.

- Come on, come on. Let's go.
[door chimes]

- What about the groceries?
- Leave 'em!

[kids yelling]

- [clears throat]
Windshield cleaner's not free.

That'll be five cents a swipe.

- Ugh!
Never mind, Flip.

- Excuse me,
aren't you Rita Loud

from the
Perfect Parenting column?

- Oh, uh--yup, I am.
[chuckles]

- Can I get your autograph?

[car alarm and kids yelling]

- Actually, no,
I'm not Rita Loud.

I'm, uh, Flip's sister, Flo.

I'll still sign your
ding dang newspaper, chief,

but it'll cost you
five bucks.

- [laughs uneasily]

- Aah!

- Whoo-hoo!
Movie time.

[kids cheering]
[phone buzzes]

- Guys, Mom texted.

She had to run
to the "Gazette."

So I'll drive us instead.

[tense music]

- What?

I can't risk being seen
with them right now.

[judgmental noises]

I saw that eye roll!

* *

[chatter]
- I barely knew her!

[cheers]
- Mom, hi!

- What up, stranger?

- Oh, well,
this is a nice hello.

- We just haven't seen you
for a couple of days.

- I know, I'm so sorry.

I've been really busy
with the column.

- Well, at least we have
our big night!

- Huh?
- Last week you promised

that if we behaved perfectly
for our new potential boss,

you'd take us to Jean Juan's.

[kids cheering]
- Bring on the bloating!

- Yes!
- The queso is to die for.

- Ooh, uh--oh kids, I'm sorry,
I don't--

- Aw, you promised!

- [stammering]

Okay, I have an idea.
Let's go right now.

- Really?
It's : .

Even Pop Pop
doesn't eat this early.

- Jean Juan's is literally
going to be empty.

- Let's hope!

[lively music]

* *

[sighs]

We'd love a table in the back,

or you know,
in the kitchen.

Or the back works.
[nervous laugh]

[slurping]

- Careful, Mr. Coconuts!

You've got a chip
on your shoulder!

[laughs]

[as Coconuts] Hey!
Less jokes, more salsa!

[gurgling]

- Duck, duck, duck, goose!
[shrieks]

- This goose came to play!

- Ayo!
Lincoln, go long!

- I got it!

- What a fun idea having our
editorial meeting here!

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

- I hear the guac
is newsworthy.

- [whispering] Kids.
Psst!

We need to go.

Waiter, check please!

- [humming]
Whoops.

[shrieking]
- Oh, my!

- Ghost, ghost, vampire.
- Oh, me?

Oh, wait, I wasn't--
- Gasp.

- Aah!
[all shout]

- [grunts]
What in the name of

the funny pages
is going on here?

- Oh!
Hi Mom's boss!

- [groans]

- The Loud family?

- Uh, you got us confused
with someone else.

We're Flip's kids.

- Flossie.
What's it to ya, chief?

- I'm Flannery, champ.

- Yeah, and I'm, uh,
literally, uh, Flora.

- Wait, what?
- Oh.

That's okay, kids.
[grunts]

You don't have to lie for me.

Hi, Jesse.
- What's going on, Rita?

Have your children been bitten
by rabid raccoons or something?

- [sighs]
If only.

- No, this is how
we really are.

What you saw at my house
was an act.

- But the muffins, the song,
the matching outfits?

- All fake.

I knew you wanted
a perfect parent,

and I wanted the job so--
[sighs]

I'm not a perfect parent.

I try to do my best,
and some days are great,

but some days
are more than I can handle.

Parenting is my favorite job,

but it's also the hardest.

I'm sorry I misled you.

- I'm sorry too.

Clearly, you are not right
for the column.

This just in:
you're fired.

- Now, hold on, Jesse.
I-I love what she just said.

- Yeah, parenting is hard.
I wish that was in the column.

- Really?
You relate to this?

- Yeah, the other day
it took minutes

to get my kids in the car.

- Hmm, well, I guess you both
would know better than me.

I don't even have kids.
[laughs]

- Does that mean our mom
isn't fired?

- This just in:
your mom can keep her job!

kids: Yes!
Go Mom!

- Rita, forget being perfect.
From now on, just be authentic.

- Thank you, Jesse.
I can do that.

- Whoo!
Burrito spike!

Yeah!
- Congratulations.

Now would you mind celebrating
somewhere else?

[gasping]

- It's okay.
We get this a lot.

[upbeat rock music]

* *

- Luna love!

Am I gonna see you
at my concert this weekend?

- Aw, I hope so.

I just need to figure out

how to get enough money
for a VIP pass.

- Well, you never know when
opportunity comes a-knockin'.

[knocking on door]

- [heavy breathing]

- Ah, hey, McBs!
How goes it?

- It's like a waking nightmare!
[heavy breathing]

- Deep breaths, Howie.

- Dude, what's going on?

- We were about to leave
to pick up Nana Gayle

for the annual
McBride Family Reunion.

Nana and I are the reigning
sack race champs

four years running.

This one time, Nana started
hopping an--

- Clyde, honey, short version.

I've got pounds of Amish
potato salad out in the trunk,

and it's threatening
to turn on me.

- Oh, right.
So in a nutshell,

our cat sitter canceled
at the last minute.

- Luna, is there any chance
someone here

could come and watch Cleopawtra
and Nepurrtiti for the day?

- We pay $ .

- I don't know.
Lori's gone.

She hit the golf course early,
and Leni's already at work,

so she can't help.
- [screams]

Aah!

- Psst, Luna, love.
You should take the gig.

You still need some more cash

for that VIP pass
to my concert.

I heard Sam's
already got hers.

- Come on, Luna!
It'll be rockin'!

- * [squeals] *
[rock music]

- McBs!
I could catsit for you!

- [sighs]
Oh, Luna, you're a lifesaver.

Here's our house key.

We left all the kitty care
instructions

on the kitchen table, and--

Oh!
And just one rule:

we ask that you please don't
have anyone else over.

Our babies get anxious

when they're faced with more
than one stranger at a time.

- Dr. Lopez is working with them
on their trust issues.

- No prob, dudes.

- Okay, Clyde.
You know the drill.

- [grunting]
- [dazed sighing]

[both grunting]

- [sighs]

Thanks again, Luna.
We'll be home at : sharp.

- Sounds good!

And don't worry, your
fur babies are in good hands!

* *

[whistling]

Cleo, Nep!
Auntie Luna's here!

Okay, let's find those
kitty care instruct--

[shrieks]
Eee--ooh!

"McBride Guide to Feline Care
with Index and Annotations.

Revised Sixth Edition."

[gulps] Yikes.

This looks like a lotta--

[rock music]

But it's worth it!
Wh-wh--whoa!

Okay, let's see.

"The girls' mid-morning snack
is in the refrigerator.

"Warning: they're on a strict
feeding schedule.

Food must be served promptly
at : or they get cranky."

Oh, : !
I better get on that.

[humming]

Hang tight, kitties.
I just gotta open this--

[cats growling]

[hissing]
Oof!

[groans]
I guess dinner's on me.

[laughs uneasily]

"Attach leashes to harnesses
and keep a firm grip.

The cats may pull!"

Yah!
- Ah?

- Make way, brah!
No kitty brakes!

- Huh?

Oh--wah--eee!
Whew.

[grunts]

[birds chirping]

- Meal portions, medical--
messes!

Bingo!

"If the cats get messy,
prepare a warm, soothing bath."

["bath" echoes]

No, no, no, no, no!
Come back!

[heavy breathing]
Ooh!

[sighs]

[heavy breathing]

Aw, come on, dudettes!

Aha!

Aw.

- [hissing]
- [gasps]

[exhales]
Here we go.

[screaming]
[yowling]

Here!
Ugh!

No!
Oof.

[frantic music]

* *

- [grunting]
- [hissing]

- [gurgling]

- Hey, poppet,
how goes the gig?

- Bad!
I am so overwhelmed, Mick!

I haven't made a dent in
everything I'm supposed to do,

and the McBs'll be back
in a few hours.

- Well, you better get crackin'

if you wanna catch my show
with Sam!

- [gasps]
Sam!

She's great with cats!
Thanks, Mick.

- Wait, love, let's not do
anything too hasty.

[shrieks]

[knocking on door]

- Sam,
you're the best!

How'd you get here so fast?

- I was around the corner
picking up Simon

from his gamers club meeting,
so we came right over.

[purring]
- We?

[knocking]

[gaming beeps]
- Hi, Luna!

[anxious music]

- Hey!
That's harsh.

- Sorry, I didn't mention it
on the phone,

but I'm not supposed
to have anyone else over.

The cats get anxious.

I mean, I figured
you'd be okay,

'cause animals love you
and all--

[knocking]

- Well, we can't leave
my little brother out there.

- It is nice weather.
- Luna!

- Right, right.
Okay.

We just need to make sure
the cats don't see him.

[sneaky music]

- [meows]

- Cool.

What is this place?

- The McBride's
entertainment room.

You can hang out here while Sam
and I take care of the cats.

- No way!

A Dream Walker
virtual reality system!

- Uh, well, just promise
you'll be careful, okay?

That's Clyde's.
- Promise.

[laser whooshes]

- All right, let's take care
of those cats.

[rock music]

* *

- Ready or not,
here I come!

* *

- Gotcha!
- [meows]

[laughs]

[beeping]

* *

[shriek]

- * Sleep, furry babies,
in kitty dream land *

- * With visions of yarn balls
and tuna fish cans *

- * For when you're awake,
the day dawns anew *

both:
* And morning shall greet you *

* With a bright and happy
"mew!" *

[cats purring]

- Phew.
Sam, I owe you big time.

- Psh.
Please.

I'm just psyched we're gonna
get to see Mick together.

I better duck out before
the McBrides get back.

- All righty.
See you, Sam.

- [humming]
[electronic whooshing]

[gasps]
Simon!

[panting]

Uh?
Ah!

- Well, I thought your
potato salad was delicious.

- Then why did everyone
go for Aunt Brenda's, hmm?

A-and she wasn't even
supposed to bring any.

She signed up for dessert.

- Hey, McBs.
Welcome home!

- Luna, how did it go
with our precious fluff angels?

- Flawless.

They had snacks,
they went for a run--

[stammers] I mean, walk.

We even played--Simon!

Says.
We played Simon Says!

- Well, we're so grateful you
could help us out in a pinch.

- Thanks so much, Luna.
- [groans]

Wait!
- Is everything okay?

- Hey, did you want to take
some potato salad for the road?

- sh**t!

I just realized I lost...

a guitar pick
somewhere in the house.

- Oh, well,
we'll keep an eye out for it,

and we'll have Clyde
bring it over.

- No, no, no, no, no.
It's my lucky one.

I can't jam without it.
[laughs nervously]

I bet we'll find it in no time
if you dudes just help look.

Why don't you check
in the bathroom?

And I'll just look out here.

[beeping]

- Luna, did they see Simon?
- Not yet.

If you can sneak around
the house to the back door,

I'll find him
and hand him off to you.

- On it.
[beeps]

[groans] Ow!

- Huh?
Eh.

[suspenseful music]

[electronic whooshing]
- [heavy breathing]

- Whoa!
- Hey, what the--

both: Did you say something?
Wasn't me.

Are you sure?
What?

Never mind.

- Aw, come on, Luna.

I was about to defeat
the final boss.

- Shh!
Sorry, brah, you gotta bail.

* *

- Dads!
Have you seen my VR gear?

- Try the kitchen, honey.

- Whoa!
- [heavy breathing]

- Hey, Luna.
Oh, here it is.

[knocking]

[knocks]
Just, uh,

checkin' for termites.

It comes complimentary with my,
um, cat sitting services.

- Nice.

[suspenseful sting]

- Pwuh.
- Sorry, bro, you gotta go.

Right now!
[grunting]

The window is stuck!

[both grunting]

- Luna, where are you?
I found your guitar pick!

- She's in the kitchen, Dad!

- Oh, never mind,
it's just a tiny tortilla chip.

[gasps]
- [yells]

- [shrieks]

[both imitating laser whooshes]

[remorseful music]

- So that's why Sam
and her brother are here.

I'm so sorry
for breaking your rule.

Here.
I don't deserve this.

- We appreciate your honesty.

- But we do have to say,

when we checked in
on our fur babies just now,

we have never seen them
sleeping so soundly.

- That was all Sam.

She's a total cat whisperer.

- Wait, Lunes.

It was your idea to sing them
a super-sweet lullaby.

That's what got them
to fall asleep so peacefully.

- Well, Hair-Bear, I don't know
about you, but I'm impressed.

- More like mee-wowed!
[laughs]

It sounds like you girls
made a great cat sitting team,

so--
- Why don't you split the $ ?

- Well, I already know
what I'm doing with my half.

- [gasps]
- What are you waiting for?

Hurry up and get that VIP pass.
- Are you sure?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wahoo!

[cats moaning]

Whoops.
My bad.

- Don't worry,
Mr. and Mr. McBride.

We'll get 'em back to sleep.

- * Sleep, furry babies,
in kitty dream land *

- * For when you awake,
the day dawns anew *

both:
* And morning shall greet you *

* With a bright and happy
"mew!" *

- [snoring]

- * Cramped inside
this tiny space *

* May sound bad
but ain't the case *

* In the Loud house *
- * Loud house *

- * Duck and dodge
and push and shove *

* That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house *

- * Loud house *

* Laundry piles
stacked up high *

* Hand-me-downs
that make me cry *

* Stand in line to take
a pee *

* Never any privacy *

* Chaos with kids *

* That's the way
it always is *

* In the Loud house *