05x03 - Strife of the Party/Kernel of Truth

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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05x03 - Strife of the Party/Kernel of Truth

Post by bunniefuu »

- * Crashing through
the crowded halls *

* Dodging girls
like ping pong balls *

* Just to reach
the bathroom on time *

* Leaping over laundry piles *

* Diapers you can
smell for miles *

* Guy's gotta do
what he can to survive *

* In the Loud House,
in the Loud House *

* Duck, dodge,
push and shove *

* That's how we
show our love *

* In the Loud House,
in the Loud House *

* One boy, ten girls *

* Wouldn't trade it
for the world *

* Loud House,
Loud, Loud House *

- Poo, poo!

* *

[bird chirps]

- Wait, how--
okay, now it's backward.

Okay, there, this party map
is coming along nicely!

Oops, the cotton candy
machine can't be too close

to the bounce house,
or it'll be puke city.

Blech, I hope
you're writing this down.

[squeaks]

Mr. Sprinkles, hello?
Focus!

Eunice would k*ll for this job!

- [squeals]

- [screams]
Oh.

[squeaks]

- Bad, Duncan!
[grunts]

I'm sorry about Eunice.

I'll get her
patched up for you.

By the way, this is Duncan!
I'm training him!

Duncan, sit!

It's a work in progress.

So, you're planning our
birthday party again, huh?

- [scoffs]
I was.

- I kinda wanted to
talk to you about that.

I was hoping I could
plan the party this year.

[light music]

- [laughs]

[gasps]
Oh, you're serious.

Listen sweetie,

party planning takes a certain
je ne sais quois.

- I got a ton of that!
[belches]

- Besides, I've always planned
our birthday parties.

- Ugh, that's the point.
You plan our party every year!

Even before we were born.

[noisemaker toots]

We always do your
froufrou party.

It's only fair that I get to
plan this year's, Lana style.

- Yeah, it's that last part
that scares me.

- Don't worry, Sis.
The party's in great hands.

Oops, sorry.
Not even sure what that is.

Time to plan
the best birthday party ever!

- [hisses]

- Come on Mr. Sprinkles,

we have to stop Lana
from ruining the party.

But first, I'll need
to take a three-hour shower.

Here we are!

Hazeltucky's finest
party supply store!

Wait here.
I'll make sure they're open!

- I see customers inside.

- [gasps]
Those could be thieves!

Stay here where it's safe.

Midge!
- Lola!

How did the Parisian
table runners

go over at your tea party?

- Midge, I don't have time
to talk about that.

Okay, they looked fabulous.

But listen, I have a party
crisis on my hands.

I need you to hide
everything poop-colored, now!

[light music]

No peeking yet!

- [pants]
Okay.

- Ta-da!

Look, Lana!

So many things that are just
perfect for our party, huh?

Ooh! How about this?

Tropical, fun, flirty.
Mmm.

- Nah, those don't really
scream "Lana" to me.

Hmm.
Do you have a dumpster?

[garbage squelching]

Oh! Midge, how much
for the half-eaten cheese?

It'd make a great centerpiece!

- Uh, gosh, well, I don't know.

Can I get a price check
on the dumpster cheese?

- Uh, free?

- Cool!
Yes!

Wow!
Old batteries?

Rotting fish heads?

These would make
perfect party favors!

* *

- Don't panic, Lola.
This is only a minor setback.

The party can still be saved.

Okay, before we go home,
let's talk entertainment.

I was thinking
a Princess story time show,

a mermaid matinee,
a genie in a bottle, a--

- Sorry, Lols, I actually
had something else in mind.

Shortcut!

- [screams]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Alright, everything
looks to be in order.

Hang on tight, or don't.

I'm charging for
the test ride either way.

- Let her rip, Flip!
- You got it!

Let me give old Roy
some spicy mustard.

Yeah, that really
gets him goin'!

[tense music]

[bell rings]

- [yelling]

- [roaring]
- [screams]

- We'll take him!

* *

- [coughs]

[bird chirps]

Ooh!
How about this cake?

- Nah.
- Ooh, how about this one?

- Nah.
- Ooh, ooh, this one, this one.

- Nah, nah.
- Okay.

- Do you have
a sink and some dirt?

- Are you with
the health department?

- Nope.
- Then follow me.

[flies buzzing]

- We'll take it from here.

[jazz music]

[chuckles]

* *

- [gasps]

[cake squelches]

- Speechless, huh?

Well, I think that means
we've found our cake!

[grunts]

What do you have for toppings?

Any worms or bugs
I could sample?

- I'm sure we can find
something in the pantry.

Oh, those are just
some exploding candles.

Wait, be careful with those!
[boom]

- [screams]

[gasps, sighs]

[sighs]
I can't do this anymore.

Lana is ruining this party!

She actually thinks
a pile of leaves can be used

as both a toilet
and toilet paper.

[whimpers]

What am I going to do,
Mr. Sprinkles?

You're right.

We're going to have to take
more drastic measures.

Any ideas?

[laughs deviously]

Yes!
Time to make some phone calls.

Lola Loud,
you clever little minx.

[air horn blares]

- It's here, it's here!

I can't believe it's our
seventh birthday!

Personally, I don't feel a day
over / .

Listen, thanks for letting me
plan the party this year.

I know it wasn't
easy to give it up,

but you were
weirdly cool about it.

- [scoffs]
Well, you just made it so easy.

- [grunts]
Meet you at Tall Timbers Park!

[laughs]

- What, Duncan?

- [hisses]

- It's party time.
[chuckles]

[tires squeal]

- Hey, hey, stop, guys!
Come back!

Aw!

- What's going on?

- The garbage guys threw away
my garbage decorations.

- [scoffs]
What?

But how could they
not understand

the vision you were going for?

- [sighs deeply]
It's okay.

At least the bull
will be here soon.

[phone rings]
Hello?

- Muddy Loud kid,
this is Flip.

I can't make it
to the party.

I got four flapjacks
and no spare!

Oh listen, I gotta go.

Roy found my pastrami sandwich,

and the thing was oozing
with spicy mustard!

[screams]

- Aww.

I guess there's no bull either!
All of Flip's tires are flat!

- You're kidding!
What are the chances?

Oh, look, the guests
are starting to arrive!

- [coughs]

Well, I better go
welcome everyone.

I'll try to
put on a happy face.

Hi!

[phone rings]
Oh, man, what now?

Hello?

- I can't bring the cake today.

Someone tipped off
the health inspector

about all the dirt and bugs
at the bakery,

and now I have to clean
the whole place top to bottom!

- [sighs]

- And then I said,
"You call that lemon chiffon?

I do not think so!"
[laughs]

Lana, aren't you going
to join our party?

- This party
is officially ruined.

No bull, no cake,
no decorations!

- I am so sorry.

- Lola, you gotta help me out.

Is there anything you can do
to save our birthday party?

- I might be able to
figure something out.

[indistinct chatter]

- Whoa.

I can't believe you were able
to pull this together so fast!

- Well, it's not
gonna be as good

as the awesome party
you had planned,

but it will have to do.
[laughs]

- Hey, Lola, hope you don't
mind I came back for some cake!

- Wait, you know
the garbage man

who threw away my decorations?

- [stammers]
Barely, I mean--

- Hey, fancy Loud kid, watch
where you leave this thing!

It popped my tires, which
I will be charging you for!

Ooh, Parisian table runners!

[screams]

- Lola, what was your tiara
doing under Flip's tires?

- What?
That's not even my tiara.

Everybody's wearing them
nowadays.

- Save it!
I can't believe you!

You've been lying
this whole time!

The garbage trucks, the cake,
the bull!

There haven't been
any mix-ups at all!

You just wanted the party
your way again!

It's not fair, Lola.
It was my turn!

I'm taking our present
from Aunt Ruth!

Enjoy your party.

Come on, guys.
Let's ride.

[melancholy music]

- [sighs]
- Okay, girls.

Time to blow out the candles!
Where's your sister?

- I--I ruined our party
and drove her away!

I gotta fix this.
Stall for me, okay?

- Ha, and you said
I wouldn't need this.

[scatting]

- [groans]

[tires squeal]

- Midge, I need you to bring
out all the poop colors!

[grunts]

Come on, Roy,
move your big bull butt!

[grunts]

Well, at least there's
rotten food in here.

Party favors!

[cheerful music]

[squelch]

[tires squeal]

- No one's home,
especially if you're Lola.

- Lana, open up.
I know this is your "sad can."

- Go away!

- I just wanted to say
I'm sorry.

I should've let you
have your party.

It was your chance to shine.

- You really did me dirty,
Lols.

- I know, but I have a big
surprise that might make up

for all of
the terrible things I did.

- We're listening.

[gentle music]

[tires squeal]

- Whoa!

Wow!
You did all this?

- Heh, I'm gonna smell like
a farm animal for a week,

but some things are worth it.

- Thank you Lola, for the best,
trashiest party ever!

- You're welcome.
Now let's blow out our candles!

Happy birthday, Lans.

- Happy birthday, Lols.

- Got it!
Wait, wait, wait.

One more for safety.

- I can't believe you managed

to get the exploding
candles too!

- Wait, what?

[cake squelches]

[energetic music]

* *

- Hey, guys,
I think I found something!

Follow me!
Quick, up there!

- Make way, coming through!

[all grunting]

Hmm.

Whoa!
- Oof!

[all groan]

- It was pitch black.
I couldn't see a thing.

- Yeah, I don't know,
fellers and Stellers.

I think we're on a goose chase.

- No way,
my cousin Derek swore

there was a secret game room
somewhere in this school.

- But we've checked
every hallway

from here to the boiler room!

- Hey guys, over here.
Check this out!

[all grunting]

[all gasp, exclaim]

- Well, hash my browns!

- I knew it!

This is where they
experiment on kids!

- No, Zach, this is clearly
an old news studio.

The school must have had
a show or something.

- Check out the vintage
news cuties!

- Dude, gross!
That's my mom!

- Hey, guys,
I just had a great idea!

We could be the next news team!

- So fun!

And it would be a great way

for us to spend more time
together at school!

- Camera still works.

- I'm Stella Zhou and I say,
let's do this!

Wait, where's Rusty?

- There's just something about
those eyes of hers.

- Dude!
- What?

You should take it
as a compliment!

- Hey, Meryl!
- Hey!

- Excuse me, Meryl.

- Uh, maybe we were
in her blind spot.

- Meryl?
Yoo-hoo, Meryl?

- [grumbles]

- Oh, she's watching that soap
opera, "Southern Hospitality."

Jackson just came
back from the dead

only to find his long-lost
fiancé had fallen into a coma.

I try to stay current.

- Ooh, can't a girl
get some quiet around here?

- [laughs]
- Okay.

Now what do y'all noisy
little jitterbugs need?

But hurry, my show's back
from commercial in seconds.

- Well, we found an old
news set, it was pretty cool.

Rusty dented the camera
when he dropped it--

- Why would you tell her that?

- We need to talk to
Principal Ramirez.

It's urgent!

- Well, I don't know,
she's with someone.

Ooh, it's back on.
Just go on in.

- And that's why we are
absolutely perfect

to restart the news show.
Thank you!

- Well, I appreciate
your enthusiasm,

but there's a reason
we ended that news show.

Nobody watched it.

the "Daily Marsupial" called it

"a punishment
worse than detention."

- But our show
could be different!

- I have news experience!

- And this face
was made to be on TV!

- [sighs]
I don't know.

- Please give us a chance.

We already practiced
our action news team pose.

- [grunts]

[all laugh nervously]

- Fine, I'll give you a sh*t.

- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah!

- We're going live in five,
four, three, two...

[energetic music]

- Good morning,
Royal Woods Middle School!

I'm Lincoln Loud.

- And I'm Clyde McBride.

both: And Kangaroos,
this is your news!

- Breaking news.

Today is
Mr. Bolhofner's birthday.

We've got reporter Stella Zhou
live on the scene!

- That's right Clyde,
I'm here with the birthday boy.

Mr. B, how does it feel
to turn ?

- I'm !

- [laughs]

- Now, Rusty Spokes
with sports.

Rusty, you're live.
- [nervous laugh]

I'm here with the soccer
team's captain, Lynn Loud!

- Rusty, we're trying to
practice here.

- [laughs]
Lynn, wait!

How are you feeling about

today's game
against Hazeltucky?

- More like Hazel-lucky
if they score a goal!

Don't move!
I need to run a few drills.

- That's today's sports news.

Lincoln and Clyde, back to--
Oh!

both: Ooh!

- Kicking it with Lynn Loud is
definitely not a goal of mine!

[both laugh]

- Let's check
back in with Stella

who's learning
how to whip up

that famous cafeteria
one bean chili!

- I'm here with Chef Pat.
- [grunts]

- And together,
we're cookin' up some trouble.

Is that a shoe?

- [grunts]

- Well, that's the news
for today!

- From all of us here
at Action News,

have a hoppy day, Kangaroos!

[both laughs]

- That's a wrap!

all: How did we do?

- I think we nailed it!

- Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!

- I can't wait to hear

what everyone thought
about our first episode!

- Everyone hated
your first episode.

Sorry, I'm going to
have to cancel the show.

- What?
- How's that possible?

- Your "Action News"
had no action and no news.

No one found it interesting,

except for Mr. Bolhofner,
who is suing the school.

- Well, what if
we can change that?

What if we can come up
with a really great story

that will hook people?

- All right,
I'll give you hours.

- Ooh, ooh!
I got the story!

We investigate
undercover aliens

posing as teachers
at our school!

- Still a no, Zach.

- Psh, okay, you'll be sorry

when Mr. Guggenheimer
starts his invasion.

- I'm back with the snacks.

But don't hate, the vending
machine and the cafeteria

were both sold out
of popcorn again.

Which is weird,

'cause it's supposed to be
restocked every morning.

- That is weird.

Who could be snapping up
all the popcorn

before anyone else
can get to it?

- Guys, this could be the story
we need to save our show!

- All right!
- Yeah, that's it!

[light suspenseful music]

[truck beeping

- There's the truck.
Liam, start recording!

[camera beeps]

* *

Let's go!

- Make way!

[grunts]

I got him!

And he smells terrible!

- Good job Rust,
you caught trash.

- And the real culprit
got away.

- That's all right, we still
have some good footage.

Let's go show
Principal Ramirez.

- Now this is a news story!

But who's the culprit?

- Um, we don't know yet,
but we're really close!

- Well, now I gotta see
how this turns out.

I'll give you the rest
of the week to cr*ck it!

- Yes, you can count
on the Action News Team!

[energetic music]

- [grunts]

[all laugh nervously]

- Just get out.

[truck beeping]

- There's the driver,
right on time!

[all scream]

- Zach, you've been there
the whole time?!

We thought you overslept!

- It's called camouflage,
Rusty.

- Hey y'all, where the heck's
the popcorn culprit?

[light suspenseful music]

- Guess he's a no show.

At least we can
still talk to the driver.

[energetic music]

* *

Action News team!
[pants]

Do you have anything to say
about the popcorn situation?

- [yells]

[all panting]

- We saw you meet
with someone yesterday.

Who have you been selling
all the school's popcorn to?

- What are you talking about?
Today's my first day.

The last guy got
transferred to Indianapolis.

[all gasp]

- Popcorn perp
must've arranged it.

He must be onto us.

- Wait, but why did you
run from us?

- You see a weird-looking bush
coming at you,

your instincts tell you to run.

- Well, what do we do now?

- We need to find a way to
lure the culprit out of hiding.

- I've got a plan.

Zach, we're gonna need your
tracker and Clyde's spice kit.

- If the culprit likes popcorn,

there's no way
he'll be able to resist

Clyde's famous
rosemary parm corn!

[all laughs]

- Okay, guys, we'll take turns
watching the tracker.

Settle in.
This could be a while.

- [gasps]
Popcorn on the move!

It's showtime!

[tracker beeping]

[all gasp]

- Come on, let's go!

[suspenseful music]

- They're heading for
the wharf!

* *

- He's making a break
for Canada!

- Oh, no, he's not!

Liam, you're gonna
wanna film this.

Time to shine.

[horn blares]

[screams]

- Don't worry Rust, I got it!

[school bell rings]

[locker door creaks]

- Well, without a story,

I guess this is the end of the
road for the Action News Team.

Hmm?
Guys, look!

It's a ferry ticket, and it's
time stamped from last night!

The culprit must be
in the building!

- Let's go find him.

The Action News team
is back in business!

Right, we can--
we can do the pose later.

- Oh, look, y'all!
A popcorn kernel!

And there's a whole
trail of them!

Oh, good grits, and I thought
Mee-maw was a messy eater!

[energetic music]

* *

- The door's locked!
- Step aside.

Liam, you're gonna
wanna film this.

Oof!

- Don't worry, Rust.
I got it!

[lock clicks]

- Bingo.

- Okay, this is it.
Let's do this!

Action News team.
We're coming in!

- Hmm?

- Hmm?
- Meryl?

You're the one who's been

taking all
the school's popcorn?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just wanted a quiet place
to watch my soaps!

And nothing
soundproofs like popcorn.

Oh, please
don't air this, kids.

I could lose my job!

[soft melancholy music]

- We would never do that,
Meryl,

even if it means
we don't have a story,

which means
we don't have a show.

- Aww,
y'all are the sweetest.

Wait, I know of another big
story that'll save your show!

- For years,
it's been a legend,

but no one's been
able to find it

until now!

[energetic music]

- Thanks to an anonymous tip,
the Action News team

has uncovered the school's
secret game room!

* *

- Whoa!

[indistinct chatter]

- Well, that's our report
for today.

- We've got some games to play.

[indistinct chatter]

- Bravo!

I've been looking
for this room for years!

Great work team.
You can keep your show!

[all cheer]

- Now Meryl, you up
for a round of air hockey?

- You bet your biscuits!
[laughs]

Oh, and Zach,
I owe you a new tracker.

- It's all good.

[all laugh]

- Guys, I just got a new lead
on another story.

Rumor has it there's a hot tub
in the teacher's lounge!

- The Action News Team
is on the case!

* *

- * Cramped inside
this tiny space *

* May sound bad,
but ain't the case *

* In the Loud House,
Loud House *

* Duck and dodge
and push and shove *

* That's the way
we show our love *

* In the Loud House,
Loud House *

* Laundry piles
stacked up high *

* Hand-me-downs
that make me cry *

* Stand in line
to take a pee *

* Never any privacy *

* Chaos with kids *

* That's the way
it always is *

* In the Loud House *
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