05x04 - Ghosted!

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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05x04 - Ghosted!

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- The Petoskey Open
comes down to this.

In the first tournament
of her college career,

Lori Loud has a chance
to win it all for Fairway U.

[grunts]

And the crowd goes wild!

Whoo-hoo, hoo!
[laughs]

- Great sh*t, babe.

I think?
It's kind of dark.

Maybe you should
call it a night.

- I can't.
I need to keep practicing.

I'm the only freshman
on the team

and if I don't do well,
I could lose my scholarship.

- Sorry I'm not there
to give you a big hug.

- Aww, thanks, Boo-boo bear.
- Hey!

Youse two love birds finished?

I've been waiting
for minutes.

My spumoni's melting!

- Aw, sorry, babe.
I gotta go.

Don't worry.
You're gonna do great.

- [sighs]

[wind whistles]

Huh?

That's weird.

Did you do this?

Hello?
Anyone here?

[gasps, screams]

Huh?

Maybe I've been practicing
a little too much.

[spooky music]

♪ ♪

Okay, and these are
all the books you have

on putting greens?

I need to know
every blade of grass

on that tournament course.

I'm under a ton of pressure!
- Shh!

I'm a librarian,
not a counselor.

- [gasps, yelps]
- Shh!

- [grunts, sighs]

[coughs]
What is happening?

[screams]
Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh!

- [growls]

- [sighs]
I know, I know.

"Shh."
[screams]

[whimpering]

[screams]
Oh!

It wasn't me!

Ow.

It's just nerves.

A little iced tea,
a little lemonade,

and I will be fine.

Hello?
Anyone here?

I just wanted to get
an Arnold Palmer.

[ice rattling]

[screams]

I'm sorry!

[mischievous music]

[whimpering]

No ghost is jumping out
of my mini fridge.

[gasps, screaming]

[alarm clock beeps]

- Lori?
Everything okay in here?

- There was a mosquito on it.
[nervous laughter]

- [chuckles]
Okay.

- [gasping]

You're losing it, Loud.
You need help.

Think!
Who you gonna call?

- Arggh, this
is one tricky ghost.

If I'm going to catch it,
I'll need

my officially licensed Hunter
Spector phantasmal glasses,

my trusty spirit translator,

and of course, my Ghost Phaser!

[gasps]
Look out!

A ghost!

[phone buzzes]
- [screams]

Oof!

This is Clyde.
- Clyde, it's Lori.

I have a big time problem
on my hands

and I need your help.

- Lori, I think you have
the wrong number.

This is Clyde...McBride.
- I know.

And also, I know
you're the brains

of the Clincoln McCloud
operation,

which is why I called
you and not Lincoln.

- Um, Lori, you're on speaker.

- Oh, sorry.
I guess you can help too.

Listen, I think
there's a ghost on campus

that's haunting me, and I need
your ghost-hunting expertise

to get rid of it.
- A ghost?

We've been waiting
our whole lives for this call!

- I can't tell anyone here

'cause I don't want them
to think I'm losing it,

Which is why I'm gonna
need you guys to be discreet.

- Don't worry, discreet
is what we're all about.

[both grunt]

[heavy metal music]

[both grunt]
- Let's go get that ghost.

- Wait, let me try one.

That ghost...is gonna be toast.
[both grunt]

- Lincoln, you left one
of your blasty toys!

[both laugh]

- Be cool, Dad.
It's called a ghost phaser.

- Hey, there's my girl!
- Hey, Dad.

Okay, Dad.
Time to go.

- Okay, okay, bye kids.
Have fun.

Lori, there's a lasagna
in Lincoln's toy bag.

- [groans]
Dad, it's not--

- You guys are literally
saving my life!

I'm so freaked out that
I'm starting to lose my hair.

- [forced chuckle]
I noticed.

- We need to get rid of
this ghost quickly and quietly

so I can focus
on the tournament.

- [yelps]

[whirring]

Clear.
No spectral activity over here.

- [screams]
- [huffs]

- My new caddy!
[forced laughter]

So this is the first place
that I saw the ghost.

- [gasps]
Clyde!

I found something over here.

- [gasps]

- [sniffs, gags]

It's even grosser
than I thought.

Awesome!
- What is it?

- Ectoplasmic residue!

Ghost goo.

- I'll take some
for further study.

[grunts]

- Huh?
[screams]

- We need to go.

- [panting]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- So he blows the putt
for bogey,

and then I'm all like, "Scrap
the blade and use the rest--"

both: [grunt]
Clear!

- Would you put those away?
There are people in here.

This is the spot where
the ghost Arnold Palmer-ed me.

- All I'm getting
is floor wax and...

Oh, somebody stepped
in something.

- The spectral evidence
has obviously been mopped away.

We'll have to recreate
the splash patterns

to see what type of ghost
we're dealing with.

- Hmm.

Did it splash you like this?
- [gasps]

- Or more like this?
- Neither!

It didn't throw the drink
at me.

- Ah, so maybe more like this.

Oops, sorry!

- [forced laughter]
We were just leaving.

[all huff]

[spooky music]

- Huh?

- Guys, remember,
this is a library,

so I need you
to be extra quiet.

- [whispers]
Got it.

- [gasps]
[equipment beeping]

Guys, what did I just say?

- Shh!
- Hi, again.

This is where the ghost
started hurling books at me.

Yeah, just like that.
- I'll save you, Lori!

- [gasps]
No!

Don't sh**t me, Clyde!
sh**t the ghost!

[grunts]
- [gasps, grunts]

- [grunts, yelps]

[all whimper]

- [gasps]
There it is!

- We've got you now, ghost.
Ready, aim...

- [screams]
It's in nonfiction.

Now it's in biographies.

[both grunt]
- [yelps]

It's headed
to the romance section.

No, wait!
It's coming back!

[all wail]

both: That was awesome!

- Oh, it's getting away.
Follow it!

[alarm wailing]
Huh?

Uh, so sorry.

Maybe this will help?
Gotta go!

[all huff]

Seriously, it had to go
into the dark and creepy woods?

- Here, Lori.

This spirit protection cloak
will keep you safe!

- This is just
an "ARGGH!" hoodie.

Oh, well, it's worth a sh*t.

[all scream]

[whirring]

- I think it's trying
to communicate with us.

- I'll use
the spirit translator.

- Don't forget
to watch "ARGGH!"

- That can't be right.
- Less talking, more blasting.

- Ready--
- Aim.

[ascending tone,
descending tone]

- Our batteries must have d*ed!
- That's it.

Listen up, ghost.

You need
to leave my sister alone!

You're really scaring her.

It's super messed up

and you should feel
awful about yourself!

[chimes]

- It's working!

The ghost responds
to shame and guilt.

Just like me!

- Leave Lori Loud alone!
- Leave Lori Loud alone!

both: Leave Lori Loud alone!
Leave Lori Loud alone!

[chimes]

- [gasps]
- We did it!

- We drove the ghost away!
- Aw, thank you!

I knew you could do it, Clyde!

Lincoln, I had my doubts,
but you really pulled through.

- Thank you...I think?

- Finally I can focus

on getting ready
for the tournament.

- Hey, where did you
get that cookie?

- It was in the pocket.
- That's where I put that!

- [whistles]

[yelps]
- Sorry about that, Lori.

Everyone's game
is a bit off today.

- [grunts]

[whistle toots]
- Ow, good heavens!

I don't know what's going on
with you people,

but the Petoskey Open
is tomorrow

and we positively stink!

- It's Shanks, coach.

He hasn't been around all day

and it's really messing
with our game.

- Um, who's Shanks?

[both chuckle nervously]

- Um, come with me, Lori.
Have a seat.

Usually we wait until
after the first tournament

to tell freshmen about this.

Shanks Bogey is
Fairway's golf whisperer.

He's like a good luck charm,
an advisor,

caddie, and friend all in one.

The year was .

Fairway U was in the national
championship and losing badly.

That is, until their caddy,
Shanks, rallied them.

He carried six golf bags
at a time that day.

He knew exactly which club
to use on every hole.

He would do anything
for the team.

He was such a fixture
at the school

that they offered him
a full-time gig as caddy

after graduation.

And he's been helping the golf
team at Fairway ever since.

Even in the afterlife.

- So wait.
You're saying Shanks is a--

- That's right.
He's a ghost.

- [gasps]
- I know.

It sounds crazy, huh?
- Not exactly.

- He didn't come
to practice today

and that's very unlike him.

We really depend
on Shanks, Lori.

I'm afraid that
if he doesn't show up,

we might never win again!

- Oh, no!
What have I done?

[whimpers]

[phone chimes]
- Hmm?

Go for Linc.
- Lincoln!

I need you and Clyde
to come back to Fairway.

And can you get Mom
to drive you?

Dad kind of made a scene
last time.

- You're on speaker phone.
- [groans]

Why does everyone
keep doing that?

- What's the crisis, Lori?

- You know that ghost
you guys drove away?

I need him back.

Apparently, he's like
the team's good luck charm.

- Well, we'd love to help,

but we're
in the ghost-busting biz,

not the ghost-friending biz.

- Lincoln, without him,

my team is gonna lose
The Petoskey Open

and every other tournament
we play!

My golf career will be over,

which means
I lose my scholarship!

Not to mention my hair
is still falling out!

- [screams]
- I think my teeth are next.

One of my molars feels loose.
- Lori, you're spiraling.

- I know!
I literally need help!

all: Light as a feather,
stiff as a Boris.

Light as a feather,
stiff as a Boris.

- Hmm, I might know
a few people

who could bring back
your ghost.

[screams]
- Did you say ghost?

- Oof.

[sinister piano music]

- [nervous laughter]
Newer caddies.

- Good morrow, Sister.

- Can we, like, hurry this up
and get inside?

- Gasp.
We lost Boris.

- Huh, This does not
look good for Boris.

[screams]

[grunts, sighs]

- OMG!
That was, like, so awesome!

- Many apologies
for interrupting

your human stacking ritual.

Boris will leave now.
- Don't go!

We need a new flyer.

- Wow, you have, like,
totally amazing balance!

- Oh, thank you.

It must be my hollow bones.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- I think I found your ghost.

I was able to dig up this old
Fairway yearbook from .

- [coughs, gasps]

Shanks Bogey!
That's him!

- Armed with
this most intimate info,

it's time we make contact
with Shanks

and let him know
he's dearly missed at Fairway.

'Tis a time to putt,
a time to play through.

Dear spirit of Shanks, we
summon thee back to Fairway U.

all: 'Tis a time to putt,
a time to play through.

Dear spirit of Shanks, we
summon thee back to Fairway U.

[wind whistles]

- Look!
Is that Shanks?

[gasping]

[all squeal]

[frog croaks]

[all sigh]
- Sigh.

- Ugh!
[coughs]

This smells worse
than Lynn's feet.

- That's the fermented
bean meal.

Doctor Flickenlooper's
Dyspeptic Bread was

a dietary staple
at the turn of the century

when Shanks was alive.

- It's a peace offering.

Shanks lists it
as a favorite food.

That and pigs in a blanket.

- Why didn't we
just make those?

- When Shanks comes
for the bread,

this will alert us
to his presence.

Now we wait.

- Hey, where's Boris?

[EDM music]

- Oh, hey!
[vocalizes]

Yeah!

- I'm sure he's just resting
in his coffin.

[bell chimes]
Hmm?

The bell has tolled.
The peace offering worked.

- Our bread!

- Wow, you made this, Lori?
It's really good.

- Dante!
- Yeah, it's delicious.

Oh, I'm afraid a dark storm
is brewing in my belly.

[toots]
[all groan]

- Lori, what did you do to us?

[all groan]

- It's not your fault, Lori.
It's the bean-meal.

According to the yearbook,

Shanks was part of a campus
theater group called the YIPS.

I even had Dante learn
his favorite song.

Now grab your cane, Lori.

If we party like it's ,
Shanks will surely show up.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ ♪

- [huffs]

[chuckles]
This is actually kind of fun.

Huh?

- This is a good sign.
Keep dancing.

It must be working.

He has arrived!

[all gasp]

Speak to us, Shanks!

[lively music]
Hiss.

[all cheering]

Uh...uh...
- [hisses]

- Oh, no!

This must be some
normie sacrifice ritual!

- [vocalizes]

Boris got spirit.
How about you?

- Clearly we've summoned
the wrong kind of spirit.

- Ready?
Break!

[grunts]
[all cheer]

- What was that?
- Is everyone okay?

[disco ball jingles]
- [screams]

- [sighs]
Well, this is a bust.

What's next?

- Sadly, sister,
this was my last idea.

- [sighs]
That's it.

Shanks isn't gonna
show up tomorrow.

I'm going to have
to tell everyone what I did

and they're going
to kick me off the team!

[whirring]
- Wait.

Look at the ball.
Do you see that?

- Huh, that's
literally the same glow

that I saw from the ghost!

- Of course!

Fractured mirrors
are the best way

to see into the spirit world!

- So where in the spirit world
is Shanks?

- The spirits are
showing me a cemetery.

With a strange affinity
towards...golf?

- That looks like
the old cemetery near campus!

- This school is so creepy.
I want to go here.

- Now that we know where he is,

we can convince him
to come back.

- Wait.
Maybe I should go alone.

- What?
You're terrified of ghosts.

- I know, but I'm the one
who drove Shanks away.

I must have
really offended him,

and I have
to make things right.

So I'm just gonna face my fears
and go into the dark, cold,

spooky, desolate cemetery.

all: Lucky.

[sinister music]

- It's fine.
It's fine.

It's all gonna be fine.
Nothing scary here.

[screams, sighs]
Hey, little buddy.

Have you seen any spirits
around here?

Hmm, okay.

Hello, Mr. Bogey?
Can I call you Shanks?

[nervous laughter]

I'm not quite sure of the
proper way to greet a ghost.

I just came here
to tell you I'm sorry.

I had no idea how important
you were to Fairway,

and I never should have
scared you off,

so I guess this is me
asking you to please come back.

[sighs]
Well, that didn't work.

[whirring]

But as long as I'm here,

might as well play a hole.

Huh, this pitching wedge
ought to do it, right, Shanks?

[thunder booms]

Oh, am I using the wrong club?

Would you suggest
I try something else?

[whirring]

Nine iron, huh?

[grunts]

Whoa, good call
on the nine iron.

Yeah, I literally have no idea

how to play this one.

[whirring]

Play it off the tree?
If you say so.

[grunts]

Yes!
Nice caddying, Shanks!

[eerie wails]

Okay, that was terrifying.

But I still got a hole in one!
[chuckles]

[thunder booms]

So does that mean that
you're coming back to Fairway?

[sighs]

Look, Shanks, the thing is,

the Petoskey Open
is tomorrow morning

and the team really needs you.

If you don't want
to come back for me,

at least come back for them.

Please?

[wind whistles]

Okay, then.
Sorry I bothered you.

- It all comes down to this.

Everything rests
on the shoulders of Lori Loud.

Can a freshman with
zero tournament experience

win it for Fairway?

- [nervous laughter, gulps]

[grunts]

[all gasp]

- Ooh, I just jinxed her,
didn't I?

- [huffs]
Come on, Loud.

You can do this.
[groans]

How am I supposed to make this
sh*t with the sun in my eyes?

[whirring]

Hmm?
[sighs]

[grunts]

[cheers]
- She did it!

It's a miracle sh*t!
Fairway wins the Petoskey!

Lori Loud will be allowed
to show her face around campus

without shame!

- Huh?
[whirring]

[gasps, sighs]
Thank you, Shanks.

- Yeah, that was the best sh*t
I've ever seen!

- Yeah!
- That's my daughter!

- I've got spirit,
yes, it's true!

Let's give it up
for Fairway U!

- Sigh, I don't think Boris
is coming home with us.

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

[upbeat music]
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