05x06 - Season's Cheatings/A Flipmas Carol

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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05x06 - Season's Cheatings/A Flipmas Carol

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[joyful holiday music]

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

It's the most wonderful
time of the year.

And I'm not talking about
Lana's annual ear wax removal.

I'm talking about Christmas
in the Loud house

and our annual
family gift swap.

Every Christmas,

we each randomly draw
a name from a hat

and only buy a present
for that one family member.

Now, here's where
it gets tricky for me,

because this year
I want one gift

more than anything else
in the world.

- It's the new
Rip Hardcore Backpack!

Get yours now

because the wildest jungle
of them all...

[lion roars]
Is school.

- If I want that backpack,

I need to make sure

that my name ends up
in the right hands.

[grunts]

Now, there are
certain sisters

that you definitely do
not want as your gift giver.

- It's pi worked out
to the five-millionth decimal.

It would've been six,
but, you know...

[chuckles]
Last-minute gift.

- It's a void of nothingness,
just like the universe.

- The best sister to get
as your gift giver is Lily.

Now, it might seem strange
to want a toddler

to pick you in a gift swap,

but because she's so young,
Lily can't do her own shopping.

So what you're actually getting
is a present from Mom and Dad.

- OM gosh.

This is the pleated
A-line skirt

that I've been wanting
forever!

Thanks, Lily.

- [babbles, giggles]

[bell dings]

-So how can I make sure

that Lily picks my name
in the gift swap?

Would the man with the plan
not have a plan for that?

[exhales sharply]

Oldest picks first,
and youngest picks last.

So, with my named taped
to the very bottom of the hat,

I'm definitely gonna
get picked by Lily.

- Since Lori's not back from
school until Christmas Eve,

I'll pick for her.

- Ooh, Lynn.

Oh, right.
Secret.

Ooh, not Lynn.

- [groans]

♪ ♪

[yelps]
[bird squawks]

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

- [gasps]
- [squeals]

- One card left.
Good luck, Lily.

- [grunts, babbles]

- Yes!

- Big news.
- Huh?

- I have an announcement,
everyone.

Since Lily is such
a big girl now,

this year she is going
to be giving her very own gift.

- Lily is Santa Claus!

Oh.

- So whoever's name
is on her card

is getting something
very special.

- And spoiler alert--

it's probably gonna
be fingerpainted.

- Aww.

[screaming, grunting]

Sorry you had to see that.

Okay.
[breathes deeply]

I can deal with this.

There's a simple solution.

The gift swap-swap.

All I need to do
is get my name card out

of Lily's adorable little hands

and into the hands
of the next best sister,

which is Leni.

She's sweet, thoughtful,

and, best of all,
easy to convince.

Time for step one.

[door creaks]

[grunting softly]
- [snoring]

Lincoln?
- Shh, shh, shh.

♪ Hush, little Lily ♪

♪ Don't say a word ♪

♪ Leni's gonna buy me
a Rip Hardcore backpack ♪

- [grunts]
- Phew.

And now for step two.

- [sighs]

[door creaks open]
- OMG.

[fingers tinkling]

- [grunts]
[both grunting]

Not happening, Stinkon.

It's my name on Leni's card.

So, if you even think
about trying to pull a swap,

you're going down.

- I already am down.
[Leni groans softly]

both: Huh?

- What?

[sighs]

- There's always downer.
So keep it moving.

- [groans]
[bell dings]

[door creaking]
[groans]

[screams, grunting]

Okay, so that didn't quite
work out as planned.

But I'm not giving up.

I've still got Lori.

Even though she's away
at school,

she's a pretty good
gift giver, too.

But I can't just call her up
and ask her to swap with Lily.

I need to be smart about this.

[phone ringing, vibrating]

[high-pitched voice]
Hi, honey.

This is your mother, Rita,

also known to you as Mom.

- Hey, Mom.

- How is my eldest
daughter doing?

- I'm just super busy
studying for finals.

- I don't want to bother you,

but there was a teeny tiny
mix-up with the gift swap.

Long story short, you're
buying a present for Lincoln.

- Yeah.
That's totally fine.

- [normal voice]
Yes!

[high-pitched voice]
I mean, that's delightful!

- The thing is,
I'm so slammed with finals

that it doesn't matter
whose name I have.

They're getting a Fairway mug.
- Oh, really?

Because I'm sure it would
be so easy to go online

and buy Lincoln
a Rip Hardcore backpack.

They're % off with
the promo code "Hardcore."

- Sorry, Mom.
It's a mug or nothing.

I got to go.

Wow, Mom.
You look really great.

Your skin looks
so young and glowy.

- [normal voice] Okay.
All isn't lost quite yet.

I'll just move on
to the next best option, Luan.

Gift giving is about the only
thing she takes seriously.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing, vibrating]

- Hey, Lori.

How's golf college?
Are you having a ball?

- [high-pitched voice]
That's literally

the funniest thing
I've ever heard, Luan.

Anyway, I literally
only have a second

but I need you
to switch with me

and take Lincoln
in the gift swap.

- He's been going on and on

about this stupid
Rip Hardcore backpack.

I'll just get him that.

- [normal voice]
Yes, yes, yes, yes!

- Not so fast, toots.

- [high-pitched voice]
Oh. Hey, Mr. Coconuts.

Literally.

- I'm sick and tired of you

always picking out
the holiday gifts.

Puppets like to shop, too,
you know?

- You can always
start next year.

- Not a chance.

I'm taking over now.

Hope Linc likes
fake dog poop.

[line beeping]

- [normal voice]
I'm sorry.

I don't have time
to go to Vanzilla.

[screaming]
- Ah!

[grunting]

Dang it, Loud.

- Okay.
I undid everything.

This didn't go exactly
as planned,

but after a little
more research,

I think I found
the best possible sister

to get me the backpack.

And since being sneaky
has gotten me nowhere,

I'm just gonna take
the direct approach this time.

So do we have a deal?

- Well, I do owe you
for stepping in

to play tambourine
at our last gig.

Sure, I'll totally swap
with Lily

and get you the backpack.

Then Lily can give
her fingerpainting to Leni,

'cause that's who I had.

Cool with you, little sis?

- Cool with me.

- Thanks, Luna.

- [chuckles]

[musical flourish]

[joyful holiday music]

- Merry Christmas Eve,
everyone.

Enjoy some holly, jolly
cauliflower cupcakes.

- [gasps]

[sniffs]
Ugh.

I think these are meant
for Santa's reindeer.

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

[phone dialing]

- Hey, Linc.
Merry Christmas Eve.

- Same to you, buddy.
Hey.

Guess who has two arms

and a Rip Hardcore backpack
to slip over them?

- This guy.

I mean, you?
- Yep.

Next time you see me,

I'll be ready
for whatever comes my way

in the wildest jungle
of them all.

- Everyone knows
that means school.

Hey.
Who did you buy a gift for?

- Uh...

Oh, no!
I forgot!

[dramatic music]

- [chomping]
Blegh!

[clock beeps]

- [gasps]

Clyde, I got to go.

[breathing heavily]

[grunting]

[truck horn honks]

[grunting]

♪ ♪

Yes!
It's open.

I've still got time.

[lights click, door slams]

- Attention, shoppers--

the Royal Woods Mall
is now closed.

I'm sure your loved ones
will understand

how badly you messed up.

Merry Christmas.

[somber holiday music]

- [sighs]

- What do you mean
you didn't get me anything?

[sobbing]

- Well, I guess
it's better than nothing.

♪ ♪

[wind gusts]

I can't believe Burpin' Burger
is so crowded on Christmas Eve.

- Well, hey there,
lil' pork cracklin'!

Welcome to the forgot to do
your Christmas shoppin' club.

[chuckles]

Me and my sister Meryl said

that we weren't gonna
do gifts this year,

and wouldn't you know it,

I hear through the grapevine,

she's crocheted me a car cover.

- [groans]

[cash register bell dings]

One Burpin' Burger
gift card, please.

- Sorry.
We're sold out.

- [groans]

Okay, then.

How about
a Burpin' Burger combo?

I could put a bow on that.

- Sorry, we just ran out
of burgers, too.

You could make a bow out
of these wrappers, though.

- How could you be sold--

[groans]

- Psst.
Hey, Lincoln Lame.

- Chandler?

- I might be able
to help you out.

I was just
inside the restaurant

eavesdropping on you.

- That's a super-creepy way
to spend Christmas Eve.

- Look, do you want
an amazing gift or not?

- Ugh.
I'm listening.

- My dad works
at the sewage plant.

You wouldn't believe the things

that people accidentally
flush down the toilet.

[shimmering]
- [gasps]

Beautiful.
My sister would love--

- I'm sure she would.

But first,
we need to discuss payment.

- I'll give you
all the money I have.

bucks?
- [laughs]

You're gonna need to give me
more than that.

What else you got?

- [sighs]

You win.
Come with me.

[somber holiday music]

♪ ♪

Here you go.

- Rip Hardcore backpack?

Cool.
Now I have two.

[backpack beeps]

Whoo-hoo!
[laughing mockingly]

- [sighs]

- [groans]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yes!
An indoor field goal.

I totally need one of these.

[grunts]

- [yelps]
[glass shatters]

Perfect.
Thank you so much, Leni.

- Linc, why don't you
open your gift next?

- Oh, uh, sorry.

I sort of cheated
and opened mine up last night.

- Lincoln, do we need
to start hiding the gifts?

Thanks, Luna.

It was exactly what I wanted.

Lola, open your gift.

- [gasps]
[breathing heavily]

Wow, Lincoln.

These are the prettiest
earrings ever!

They're so gorgeous.

I don't even care
they smell kind of funny.

It must have cost a fortune.

- They were totally worth it.

- Ah!

- Ha.

[all gasp]

- [gasps]
- Ha ha.

- Huh?

[gasps]

Amazing.

Thanks, Lily.
I love it.

- Merry Christmas, Lincoln.

- [laughing]
Whoo-hoo!

[laughs, grunts]

[joyous holiday music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- All right, Flippee Boy,
it's Christmas Eve!

Time to take advantage

of all these last-minute
holiday shoppers.

Cha-ching!
[cash register bell dings]

- Eh, how much are all
these lights gonna cost me?

- Eh, feet of lights
at $ per foot--

that's $ .

- [yelps, grunting]

- Hey, I'll put it
on your tab!

Oh, you're considering
the majestic pine, huh?

- I'm not so sure.

This thing looks like

it's gone to meet
it's evergreen maker,

don't you think?

- Eh, one way to be sure

is the stronger the scent,
the fresher the tree.

So go on, ladies.
Give it a whiff.

[both sniff]

[reel whirrs]

- Ooh-whee.

That smells fresher
than the perfume samples

in our "Country Gal" magazines.

We'll take it.

both: Huh?

- Oh, and, uh,
all sales are final.

- [grunts]

[whistles]
Flip.

Kudos on your fine selection

of inflatable
Christmas figures.

We McBrides pride ourselves

on having the jolliest
yard display in town.

Guess we lucked out with this
last-minute holiday sale.

- [grunts]

- Oh, that sale ended
four seconds ago.

Tough break there, chief.

- [grumbles]

The Louds!

My big cha-chingers.
[laughs deviously]

- [sobbing]
- Holiday salutations, Flip.

Father got busy
at the restaurant

and failed to plan our
Christmas Eve dinner tonight.

- [sobbing]
I'm such a bad dad.

- Eh, your old pal
Flip can take care

of this yuletide kerfuffle.

- Hurry, Lisa.

I need to be cooking soon

or we'll be eating as Santa's
squeezing down the chimney!

No, yeah, no.
[muttering]

- These provisions
look questionable.

- Hey, that offends me
to my core.

I pride myself
on carrying the best.

- Hmm?

[bird squawks]

The highly repulsed
defense rests.

[yelps]
- [panting]

- [grunting]

Flip, I'm done
with your ding-dang deliveries.

Can I take this off?
Tights are chafing.

- Nope.

You ain't even close to paying
off the damage you did.

- But I told you--

I was burstin' and accidentally

dropped the key
in the nacho cheese vat!

- Eh, your bladder
ain't my problem.

[grunts]
I need all these delivered.

You got to work tonight
and tomorrow.

- What?
Christmas Day?

Major holiday foul, man.

[door bells jingle]

[groaning]
[garbage can scraping]

- You call this
a Christmas tree?

For shame.

I hope this misdeed haunts you

like an undigestible ham bone
in the gullet.

- [laughs wickedly]

[dramatic music]

Merry Christmas,
Fliparooni.

[grunts]

[laughs, wheezes]

[snoring]

- Ooh.

Bwah!

Boo.

[scoffs]

- [sniffs]

Leapin' pork rinds!

Look, If you're here to
complain about that turkey...

- I am the ghost
of Christmas past.

I am the first of three ghosts

that will visit you tonight

and reveal the error
of your greedy ways.

Come with me.

- No, siree.
Flip ain't going nowhere.

Cash works.

[whooshing]

[indistinct chatter]

[shimmering]

- [yelps]

- Welp, here we are.

Your middle-school
Christmas dance.

- [grunts]
- Ah.

There's someone you may know.

[swing music]

- Eh, who's that lame-o?
[chuckles]

Oh.
That's me.

I remember this.

I'd finally gotten up the nerve

to ask Tammy Gobblesworth
to the dance.

- Ticket, please.
- [grunting]

[yelps]
I-I lost it!

- Sorry, dude. I can't let you
in without a ticket.

I'd tell you to buy another,
but, uh, we're sold out.

- But my gal's waiting for me.

[groans]

- Psst.
- Ah!

- I got a ticket.

[mysterious music]

- Uh, I'll take that ticket.

- Not so fast!
It's gonna cost you.

- [groans]

- I hear you got
a sweetie inside.

You can't go in empty-handed.

Welcome to Scoots, Suits,
and Succulents!

- Ooh,
I'll take those flowers.

[breathing heavily]
Oof!

- Hey, you're not going in.

This ticket is bogus.

- What?

Can I least give Tammy these?

- All sales final!

[tires squealing]

[upbeat music playing]

- [groans]

[growls]

I swore that night

I'd never be cheated
by anyone again.

- This is when the swindled
became the swindler.

[snaps fingers]

- [grunting]

Ah! Whew.
It was just a nightmare.

Eh, it must've been
that broccoli

that fell
into my nacho cheese.

[laughter]

[grunts]

- [laughing]
- [sighs]

- What in corn chips
is going on?

- Huh?

- Clyde and I are the ghosts
of Christmas present!

- Yeah.

And we're gonna take you
on what Dr. Lopez calls

"a journey of personal growth."

[door slams]

[both sigh]

- Behold.

Christmas Eve.

- [groans]

[soft holiday music]

- Agh!
[present crashes]

♪ ♪

[inflatables wheeze]

- [sobbing]

♪ ♪

- Ah--
[grumbling]

Whoa.
Whoa!

[grunts]

[moaning]

- You see, Flip?

Because of your greed--
- [snoring]

[both groan]

[grunts]
Ow.

- Oh, sorry.
Did we wake you?

[mischievous music]

- Christmas Eve dinner
is served.

♪ ♪

- [gasps, chokes]

- [yelps]

[monster roaring, kids yelling]

- Back. Back!

You're not eating my family
on Christmas Eve.

- Oh, stinkin'
Flip deliveries.

First I find out
I got to work on Christmas.

Then Scoots makes me
scrape the stripes off

all her candy canes
'cause they "agitate her."

[groans]

What the heck happened
to you guys?

- Well, Christmas
can't get any worse.

[yelps, whimpers]

- [moans]

Hey, uh, none of this is on me.

I mean, it ain't my fault
he can't cook, right?

Oh.
I don't feel so hot.

- Dr. Lopez would say that what
you're feeling is toxic guilt.

And believe me,

it'll eat away at you
until you change your ways.

both:
Change your ways!

- No. No.

No, I won't.

- [wailing creepily]

- Ah, please let that be
the broccoli coming back up.

- [continues wailing]

- [yelps]
It's the third ghost.

Eh, think, Flip.
You got to do something.

[yelps]

[haunting whoosh]

- I am the ghost
of Christmas future.

[rat squeaking]

[tires squealing]

- Annoyed sigh.

- [chuckles]

No more ghosts
or toxic guilt tonight.

Turns out
you can escape your fate.

[laughing]

- Boo.
- [screams]

[tires screeching]

- Your future awaits you, Flip.

[magical whooshing]

- Oh, nachos.

What happened to my store?

- In time,
your customers grew tired

of being cheated by you,
so they stopped coming.

You went out of business
and were left penniless.

- Please, ah, this shop
is everything to me!

[magical whooshing]

Eh, what--what
are we doing here?

Paying our respects
to the recently departed.

He was a troubled soul.

Slipped on nacho cheese,

a beef jerky stick wedged
in his eardrum.

He was found in a pool
of his own Flippee syrup...

alone.

- "Phillip Phillipini"?

[gasps]
It's me!

[wind whooshes]

No one came to my funeral?

Ah, I knew I could count
on Skeets.

- Scoots.

- Wait.

There's no reception
with free chow?

[scoffs]
I'm out of here!

- I messed up so bad.

I was such a greedy chump,

I lost everything
and wound up all alone.

It can't end like this.

Flip can change.
Just give me a--

Aah!

[grunts]

Am I still living?

Ow!
[gasps]

Creepy girl's gone.
It's over!

Flip, buddy, it's not too late.

You got yourself another sh*t
to make good!

[both gasp]

- [grunts]
Whew.

[joyous holiday music]

[breathing deeply]

[grunts]
- [gasps] Oh!

♪ ♪

- Ho, ho, ho!

- Relax, Flip, okay?

I was just leaving for work.

- No, no, no.
It's Christmas.

The Food 'n' Fuel
is closed today.

You got the day off, kiddo.

And that debt--
it's paid in full.

[laughs]
Boop.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Flip?
What's going on?

- Please, it's Santy Flip.

And I got goodies
here for everybody.

Here you go, skipper.

Get that bad boy
in the oven tout suite.

- The Gobblesworth Farm?
Appears to be legitimate.

- [gasps]
Mm.

So that's what
happened to her.

Hey, uh, can I have that label?

- Here you go.

Hey, thanks
for the turkey, Flip.

- So I heard something
about goodies.

- Wow, look at all this stuff.
[excited chatter]

- [sighs]
You did good, Flip old boy.

Eh, feels nice
to give back once in a while.

- Whoa!
The Flippee machine?

This is totally
the best gift ever!

- Ha. Ooh.

Ole, uh, Santy Flip got
a bit caught up in the moment.

Didn't mean to, uh--
- Aww, bring it in, big guy.

- Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Aw, heck.

Merry Christmas to us all.

Ho, ho, ho!

[celebratory music]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
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