02x09 - Autopsy

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

Calm down? I can't calm down.

They're threatening our families!

If I knew something
important and dangerous,

I might've written it down.

Holy sh*t!

Who the hell is Galvan/Powell Group?

Why are you in New York?

You were supposed to stay in Colorado

and do your g*dd*mn work.

You have no idea who
you are dealing with.

So where is this alien ball?

I give you the ball,
I get my life back.

- [g*nsh*t]
- [GRUNTS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

My birthday's coming up.

I was wondering if you want
to do something that day.

I would love that.

- ALL: Surprise!
- [LAUGHS]

- [SQUEALS]
- [SCREAMS]

There's alien activity here in Patience.

- I know it.
- What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna call the Alien Tracker

and tell him to come to Patience

and find himself an alien.

- [SQUEALS]
- [SCREAMS]

I'm Goliath. There's an alien race

that's planning to take over the Earth.

- [g*nsh*t FIRES]
- Wha... ah...

You should've just stayed in Colorado

- and done your job.
- You sh*t me.

Yeah. I should've never made you

k*ll Sam Hodges.

I should've just taken
care of it myself.

- [COCKS g*n]
- [g*nsh*t]

- [HEART b*ating]
- [PANTING]

- Asta.
- [PANTING]

Holy sh*t. What the hell happened?

He sh*t me.

Okay, we need to call an ambulance.

No! We do not need to do that.

This is a dangerous man.

This is bad. This is really bad.

No, it is okay.

He's dead.

Oh, God.

Harry, Asta? Y'all out here?

I heard g*nf*re!

Hello?

Sheriff's Department.

♪

- Oh, sh*t!
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, damn. What y'all doin' out here?

- Did y'all hear g*nshots?
- Just a racoon.

I almost put down that varmint.

I'm pretty sure I heard

two distinctly different
caliber g*nshots.

That was me. I'm still celebrating.

It's my birthday!

Yay, Harry. Whoo-hoo.

Oh, okay.

Damn, y'all scared the sh*t out of me.

Anyway, it's good to
see y'all are all right.

Everybody else left.

They was wonderin' where
the two of you went.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

I was like, "Where did they go?

Don't tell me they're
off owl-hunting again."

But then, you know, I went outside,

followed the hoots, and there they were.

- Hoot, hoot.
- Hoot.

- So...
- Hoot.

Yeah.

- Okay.
- So you guys have fun here.

Sheriff and I, no place to
go but away to our homes.

Thank you for the party.

All right, yeah, um,
thanks for everything.

Party was pretty cool.

You might want to open that
window in your bathroom.

Smell like a good old-fashioned
hump house up in there.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, that wasn't no normal sex.

- No, I know.
- Ben and Kate.

Yeah. You don't know the half of it.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SIGHS] Oh, are you okay?

No. Are you?

No.

- Jesus, they took him out.
- What the hell we gonna do?

[THUD]

What was that?

[KNOCKING]

- [SQUEALS]
- [GRUNTS]

Vin!

Vinny! [MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]

[LAIDBACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]

Death is not a loss for my people,

not like it is for humans.

Where I am from, everything that exists

is all part of the same ecosystem.

When our life is over,
we simply change form

and return to where we started,

part of the planet.

We never really die.

Harry, your blood is turning alien.

The wound is making me weaker.

I need you to take the b*llet
out so that I can heal faster.

Human emotions make
death difficult for them.

It adds fear and sadness
to something very natural.

The man Asta sh*t may have family

who will mourn the end of his life.

But he also tried to k*ll
me, so rot into dirt, ham bag.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Okay. Everyone's gone.

So do we want to talk
about the dead guy?

He k*lled Sam Hodges.

Yeah, that's right.

We followed clues in New
York, which led us to him.

Found those clues.

Yeah, and he knew
that we knew that...

He knew we knew it.

- He, uh... what he did, and...
- He did it.

So he came here to k*ll us.

Tried to k*ll us.

Right. I was just gonna see

if you had, like, a woodchipper
I could chuck the body into.

What?

No! We have to tell the police!

We should've told Mike.
This is self-defense.

You cannot do that.
If you tell the police,

then the bad people will know
that you k*lled their friend,

and then they will come

and k*ll you and everyone
that is close to you.

Wait, who are these people?

Sorry, I don't understand.

Is this why you've been so
secretive this whole time?

You were just
investigating Sam's m*rder?

Why didn't you just tell me?

She did not tell you because
she didn't want you to know.

I get it. You were protecting me.

Well, now I'm protecting you, okay?

Hey, no one's gonna hurt you.

Nothing bad's gonna happen, all right?

I'm gonna go outside.
I'm gonna check the body,

and you are gonna stay
here with Harry, fix him up.

We got this.

- Okay?
- Okay.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Is she gonna be okay?

There's still an alien baby outside.

Do you mean the alien
baby who attached to my head

to warn me that there
is an evil alien race

planning on taking over Earth?

The g*nshots scared
it back into the lake.

Well, you're very lucky,

because if this had
been a few inches lower,

it would've hit your
heart, and you'd be dead.

- Mm.
- Wait. would you have d*ed,

or would you just turn back to alien?

If the b*llet hit the human heart,

it would k*ll this body

before I could turn back into an alien.

[LAUGHS]

Then I would die too.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Oh, Harry.

I'm not dead.

I am alive because
you k*lled the bad man.

Thank you, Asta.

You're welcome.

I do not like this human
feeling of being almost-dead.

When I get a burnt
potato in my hashbrowns,

I put it to the side of
my plate and ignore it.

I will do the same with death.

I feel better already.

[BUFFY SAINTE-MARIE'S "IT'S MY WAY"]

♪ I'm cutting my own way ♪

♪ Through my own day ♪

♪ And all I dare say ♪

♪ Is it's my own ♪

♪ The years I've known ♪

♪ And the life I've grown ♪

♪ Got a way I'm going ♪

♪ And it's my way ♪

♪

Well, I found his car.

I was wrong about tossing
the guy into a woodchipper.

- Unless...
- I do not have a woodchipper!

Well, we can't make
him disappear anyway.

We have to plant the body somewhere.

He was staying at the Copper Ridge,

that shitty motel on the edge of town.

It's in the middle of nowhere,
quiet, no security cameras.

It's one of the top three
places to plant a body in town.

We'll bag the body, limit
how much DNA we get on it.

I'll drive his car to the motel.

You two dump his body
in the hot tub out back.

- Mm.
- We want the body in hot water

to help muddy the evidence.

We'll plant his g*n on
him, make him look shady.

Harry, you melt down
the r*fle that sh*t him.

- Ha!
- All right,

now he's just a dead guy in
a hot tub at a shitty motel.

"Law and Order."

"CSI."

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

♪

I'll go bring his car around.

That's not the only
thing we will plant on him!

[SQUEALS]

The medical records!

We must sneak these into the
trunk of Mr. Dead Guy's car,

and then when they find the
dead body, they will find these

and they will blame him
for Sam Hodges' death,

and then my name will
be cleared forever.

Your Honor, the evidence is clear!

There is no evidence
to convict my client!

I rest my case! Cun...

Does "CSI" have a "clung-clung?"

That doesn't help me.

Harry, even if they
think that he k*lled Sam,

- I still k*lled him.
- It will work.

Mayor Snowflake has asked
me to be the town doctor.

I will accept. I will do the autopsy.

I will fake the results.

I will make sure that Sheriff
Hat and Deputy Sadsmile

do not think you did it.

[SIGHS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

"Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley.

This audiobook is read to
you by Ms. Judith Cooper.

"Letter One. To Mrs. Savi..."

Sa... Savayle?

Say, Say-vayle. I... one of those.

Hey there, skank-arooni.

Oh, hey!

Are you still trying to get
that audiobook thing going?

Oh, yeah. I got a new microphone.

So it's, like, really professional now.

Oh, it looks like you're
still recording right now.

Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter.

Do you wanna watch me in action?

- Yeah, sure, yeah.
- Okay.

"The commencement of an enterprise,

which you have regarded
with such evil forebodings."

[LAUGHS] This one is gonna scare

the poop out of my butt.

Yeah, I don't think
that part's in the book.

But I brought you these,
though, from a party I was at.

Oh! Deviled eggs.

I didn't know about a
party. That's so weird.

- Hmm.
- Oh, I bet

you probably tried to call me,

but my phone is, like, so crazy.

Thank you. Yummers.

Oh, my God...

So good. [LAUGHS]

Human corpses decay
and get smelly so quickly.

Why can't you turn to stone
like my people when you die?

Can we not talk about this?

I just wanna get this over with.

Mmm!

You might wanna slow down there.

Well, mmm... I'm really hungry.

Also, I really like these,
like, they're nice and warm,

you know? You can really, like,

[SNIFFS] smell 'em.

- Can I have one more?
- Yeah.

Uh, do you have a bathroom close by?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm, good.

- Why?
- Ah.

Hey!

Wake up, drunky! Better
not be pissing in there.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

People don't listen.

How's he even, like, breathing in there?

♪

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪

[GASPS]

[COUGHING]

- [DOG BARKING]
- [DISTANT CHATTER]

- This way.
- You set me up.

If I had set you up, I
would be with all those men

and dogs that are clearly
chasing both of us.

Tell me everything we know
about the Galvan/Powell Group.

Multinational conglomerate,

um, businesses all over the world,

and interests in everything
from energy to shipping.

And all the names we
found in Sam's office

are top executives that work there.

Maybe they had something
to do with Sam's death

and writing the names down
was his insurance policy.

Yeah, that's a good guess.

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised
if they all k*lled him.

Look at them rich people names:

Troy Hendricks, Tanner Corrington.

Sound like old-money murderers

who k*lled their way out of trouble.

The parents too busy buying
yachts and wearing visors

to teach 'em right from wrong.

They probably wear belts

that have whales and lobsters on 'em.

[LAUGHS] Just a bunch

of generational-wealth,
privileged-as-hell,

lacrosse-ass, pastel-shorts,
boat-shoed mother...

- Sorry about the swearing.
- Oh, I swear all the time too.

Look at that guy, Gray Buchanan.

- [SNORTS]
- What an old sh*t...

head, assh*le guy. Right, sir?

Yeah. Actually, yeah.

You took some of them
words right out of my mouth.

[LAUGHS] Harry!

Oh, sorry. Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Come in! Come in.

How was the rest of your birthday?

I would like to talk to you

about the offer for me
to be town doctor again!

- Yeah.
- I accept.

Wow, that is incredible. [LAUGHS]

With these conditions:

I want the traffic outside
my office eliminated.

I want my own kitchen.

I want that little
Ellen nurse to not talk,

and if she steals
granola bars from my desk,

I want her capital-punished.

Okay, well, two of
those are impossible,

and one is kind of illegal.

How about a white noise machine?

You know, it might
block the traffic sounds.

No deal!

Sheriff, Judy Cooper's on the phone

from the Copper Ridge Motel.

Okay, deal.

I accept the position.
I am now the town doctor.

You cannot take it back.

O... okay! [LAUGHS]

- Great!
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, Deputy, we got
ourselves another m*rder!

What?

Oh, no, a m*rder. What a terrible day.

I remember he checked in at :,

because I was eating my salami.

And that's the last
time you saw him alive,

when he checked in last night?

No, I saw him again
later in the parking lot.

He was talking to two
men in a black van.

Hello, Sheriff.

I knew that I was
probably gonna see you,

So, um,

I made you an audiobook.

"Autobiography of Malcolm X."

- Oh, Judy...
- Oh, it's not Malcolm Ten?

I'll redo it. I thought
that the X was a ten.

You know, like, in Roman numerals.

Can you tell us anything
about the men in the van?

I didn't see 'em real good, honestly.

I did see a skunk, though,
and I followed it for a while...

- Did you hear a g*nsh*t?
- No.

I actually didn't really hear anything.

D'arcy stopped by with food.

She was really upset because
I couldn't go to this party

that she went to, so she
brought me devil's eggs.

- Oh, did you like them?
- Oh, yeah.

- They were really good.
- Oh.

And luckily, there were still
a couple left on the counter

this morning, so I finished 'em.

Oh, are you having
any stomach issues?

[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah. Real bad.

All right, excuse me.

Mr. Mayor, Dr. V.

I heard that there was
another m*rder in Patience,

and I am devastated at this news.

Yeah, see, we might
have an issue with that.

Little known fact: this hot tub

is actually over the
county line into Jessup.

So Jessup hot tub, Jessup m*rder.

Uh, suck on that, Mayor Mitch.

Huh, well, maybe the sh**t
was on the Patience side.

Well, maybe we should, uh,

take a gander at the
security cameras and see.

There are no security cameras!

- Is my guess.
- He's right.

We're very discreet here, so... I mean,

two people could just disappear
into a motel room right now

and do just about anything,

- and nobody would know...
- [STOMACH GURGLES]

I'll be right back.

Look, with all due respect, Mr. Mayor,

I'm the sheriff of Patience,

and this, to me, looks
like a Patience crime scene.

And I'm the doctor from Patience,

and I will do the autopsy,
and you can suck on that...

with no respect!

Not very kind.

Sir, you're not gonna believe this.

The victim was one of
the names on Sam's list:

Tanner Corrington...

And he had a g*n in his jacket.

What an interesting
name I've never heard of.

Well, well, well.

So Mr. Silver Spoon Fancy Pants

was carrying and got
m*rder*d? Surprise, surprise.

I'm so surprised.

Wow.

[LINE TRILLING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Yes, hello.

My name is Johnny Smithson.

I'd like to report a m*rder
that happened in Jessup.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

It's an odd feeling to know
that you are going to die soon.

I am glad this appointment is over.

Whenever this man mentions dying,

that bad feeling I have about death

climbs to the top of my stomach.

Soon, it will not matter to
you what being dead is like,

because you will be dead.

I love your bedside manner. [CHUCKLES]

I'll miss it when I'm gone.

No, you will not,
because you will be dead.

Goodbye, now.

You think I should
give him a different dose?

One deceased male,
fatal g*nsh*t wound.

Where do you want him for the autopsy?

Uh...

Alive people wait in the lobby.

Dead people wait in exam one.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪

Hey. Much-needed day drink?

I need your help.
How am I supposed to...

What, live your life just like normal?

Hello, Asta.

Here is your normal : p.m. whiskey,

which you have every day at this time.

Oh, yeah, normal.

I'm never gonna be normal again.

I'm supposed to pick up Jay tomorrow

and take her to lunch for her birthday.

Holy sh*t. That's amazing.

It would be if I wasn't a m*rder*r.

Okay, you're not a m*rder*r.

You're just an innocent woman

that got caught up in all
this sh*t because of Harry.

You shouldn't trust
that guy, by the way.

- He moved a body last night.
- So did we!

Yeah, but you know, it's
us. We made it look cool.

It's like people who can rock a
pair of bell-bottoms, you know?

I think we should tell the police.

Maybe I should tell Liv.

- What if this guy has a family?
- Okay, you have a family...

All right, starting with
me, your ne'er-do-well

but lovable soul sister,
and if you go to the police,

they'll just send more
bad guys to k*ll you,

and then I'll have to k*ll all of them,

and spend the rest of my life

in my safe house in Puerto Vallarta,

which I can't really be there

for more than two weeks at a time,

and I hate going by the name Veronica.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay. Well, you make a good point.

Thanks.

All right, that's fine. Keep me posted.

Yes, sir.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Thanks.

Only three occupants in the
motel aside from the victim,

and no one heard a g*nsh*t
or anything unusual.

You find the m*rder w*apon yet?

- No.
- sh*t.

We got no g*nshots. We got no g*n.

They could've used a sil*ncer.

Or maybe it's an icicle riddle, right?

He gets stabbed with
an icicle, it melts.

That's the perfect crime.

It looked like a b*llet wound, sir.

Yeah, maybe it was an ice
g*n f*ring an ice b*llet, right?

The b*llet friction, that'll
melt the g*n right away,

so that's a one-time-use-only
w*apon, and the k*ller,

he's gotta be somebody who knows
how to meditate or something,

keep the body temperature low enough

that their hand don't melt the g*n.

So maybe the k*ller's
like a Tibetan monk, right,

who mediated before
he sh*t the guy...

Not enough to bring
him inner peace, though.

He was still angry enough to k*ll a man.

That's sad.

Or maybe he was sh*t
with a regular g*n,

and the m*rder*r left with it.

See, that's thinking inside the box.

You think in, I think out.

That's why we make
such a good team, ha ha.

[TRUCK BEEPING]

Hey! What are you doing with that?

That's the victim's car!
We ain't done with that yet!

I'm sorry, sir. We didn't order this.

I did. Hi.

Detective Lena Torres, Jessup Police.

Hello, what the hell are
you doing in my crime scene?

I could ask you the
same question, though.

The answer is pretty obvious, isn't it?

The body was found in
a hot tub in my town.

Huh. [LAUGHS]

No, I don't think so.

This here is a Patience crime, okay?

We got here first.

You just can't go towing that car.

I didn't see your crime tape on it.

Well, that's because we ran out

and had to switch to yellow
birthday party streamers,

which disintegrated in the rain.

I think you'll agree
that it makes the most sense

for us to take over the investigation.

Jessup forensic yard's

got a bigger budget and more manpower.

Huh. Well, I disagree.

You still haven't introduced yourself.

I guess they don't
have etiquette teachers

here in Patience?

I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson.

- You can call me Big Black.
- In that case,

you can call me Medium Brown.

I'm Liv. I'm white.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, well, I'll loop
you in if I need any help.

You see how she swung her finger around

like she can loop?

How you gonna loop me into
somethin' I'm already in?

Have a nice day!

I'm the loop...

Hey, Dr. V. I'm so glad you're back.

I am really relieved

to be able to continue
our therapy sessions.

I do not want to do it.
But it is part of the job.

Smart strategy. Act indifferent

so you don't seem like a
therapist and I open up more.

- I actually do not care.
- That's brilliant.

- Hi.
- Your wife followed you.

She's taking off her clothes.

Please do not have sex in my office!

I am so sorry about last night.

It's just a lot of stuff got stirred up,

and one thing led to another.
It's just so embarrassing.

I threw away all of the bath towels

and the bath mats and
the soap and my loofah.

So Kate had a great idea.

Um, she suggested that
we try therapy together.

- So she is controlling.
- You said I was controlling?

No. Uh, no, I don't think

those were my exact words.

He also said he hates
your honey-glazed salmon.

No, again, did not...

That salmon is my specialty dish.

- Love it.
- He said the only thing

special about it

was that something that lives
in the water could be so dry.

- [LAUGHS]
- See, this is the problem.

I want him to feel comfortable
telling me these things.

Mm, do not talk to me.
Talk directly to your husband.

I do not care.

Yeah, that's his strategy.

Honey, I know you have
a hard time talking to me,

and that's... it's okay. But
I don't want it to be hard.

So I wanna make space for you
to tell me whatever you want.

You can tell me anything, and it's okay.

Okay, well, uh, thank you,
and thank you for the space.

Without space, what do you have?

Things. You know,

things next to things,
which creates density,

which also means a lack of knowing,

and sometimes the first
step in not knowing

is knowing that you don't know.

What are you talking about?

You're supposed to let him talk.

I am, but he's not saying anything.

We're having a baby.

You know, we have to talk about it.

You know, I don't want to be
the person in your life who you...

I have more important things to do

than listen to unimportant
marriage arguments.

The sooner I get them out,

the sooner I can start
doing my fake autopsy.

I will wait for her to stop talking,

then I will jump in and
tell them I have to leave.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

She is not stopping.

Wow, I think that
was a very good start.

Thank you, Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Do you, um, do you think it went well?

I don't know.

I was doing math problems in
my head just to pass the time.

What are they doing
with my body... hey!

Ah, well, Jessup police are
taking over the investigation

because the hot tub's in their town.

So they're gonna handle everything.

What do you mean everything?

Ballistics, you know,
autopsy, everything.

Looks like Jessup is
m*rder Town, USA now.

[CHUCKLES]

♪

Hi, my name is Deputy Liv Baker,

and I have video evidence of an
unidentified aerial phenomenon

that multiple witnesses
theorize is an alien ship.

I also believe I might've
lost time, and I saw something

I can't explain.

[CREATURE CLICKING]

I hope you get this.
Also, I'm not a wacko.

What's goin' on? What you doin',
an Instagram or somethin'?

'Cause the lighting in here is terrible.

You gotta get yourself
one of them lights

to make your skin look
better, like a flesh light.

I don't think that's
what it's, um, called.

Fine. I'm recording a message

to the Alien Tracker to
go along with the UFO video

I got from Eugena Plunkett.

Did I not tell you to do that
on your own personal time only?

- Yes, you did, sir.
- Okay.

This is personal time. I
had to go to the bathroom.

So I'm counting this
as a bathroom break,

and I'm just gonna
hold it for double long.

Huh.

That logic checks out.

So long as you don't
go to the bathroom again

until you would've gone to the bathroom

if you were going to the bathroom now,

and when you do go to the bathroom then,

you gotta go twice as fast.

Of course. Yeah, that makes sense.

All right, look at that.
We worked that out.

- [LAUGHS]
- Could you please

hand me some of those
Post-it notes over there?

But not them boring-ass yellow ones.

I'm feelin' frisky. Give me them

fuchsia sumbitches right there.

- Mm, frisky.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes, sir.
- All right.

I'ma do all sorts of stuff with these.

- I don't wanna know.
- [LAUGHS] Thank you, Deputy.

- _
- [QUIRKY MUSIC]

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

"Thank you for your message.

"The Alien Tracker is
very busy right now.

But check out his upcoming
tour dates below."

[SIGHS]

I shouldn't have had
that extra iced tea.

The alien baby has not returned.

I need to find it so I can get
the rest of Goliath's message.

Right now, all I know is that

there is another dangerous
alien race already on Earth.

[SCREECH-CLICKING]

[WARBLES]

I also know if I can't figure out

how to get the autopsy back,

Asta will end up in Jessup jail,

and I will have to bake
her a cake with a file in it

like the cartoons so she can escape.

I don't want to bake a cake.

Why can't the cartoons bake escape pies?

There he is!

Thought I'd bring some brewskis by,

celebrate your first
day back on the job.

I just saw you today. That is enough.

Ah, that was just
therapy. That doesn't count.

This is the real hang.
Just a couple of dudes,

no girls allowed, order some 'za, huh?

- Come on, it'll be fun!
- No.

No, get back in your
car. This is my house.

- Oh, windy out here.
- Leave!

- Yeah, let's go!
- No!

[SOFT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

♪

Well, just so you know,

I'm sending you the co-pay
for my next dental bill.

Mm, way to work in
that you have insurance.

That's hot. [CHUCKLES]

A woman who hits on me
with her mouth full... also hot.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, I figured that

I owed you the whole dessert menu

after standing you up last time.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, no, that night was just...

- Um, anyway, I'm here now.
- Are you?

Because a few minutes ago,

I asked if you had any
brothers or sisters,

and you said, "Fine, thanks!"

- Did I?
- You know, he waited for you

for three hours.

I respect a man with confidence

to return to the scene of a rejection.

Wow. Damn.

Three hours?

Speaks to a man's character,

puttin' in the time for what he wants.

Careful, D'arcy.

Looks like you hooked
yourself a real one.

- He is...
- Rude.

- Direct.
- Rude.

[LAUGHS]

Um, no, that's wrong.

I'm the rude one.

I'm sorry.

I'm here now, and I'm happy to be here.

A little nervous, maybe. But...

I guess some of us feel like
we don't deserve nice things,

and you're a very nice thing.

You're a nice thing too.

♪ This broken heart ♪

♪ I know there's better days
for this broken heart ♪

♪ I know there's better days
for this broken heart ♪

Yeah, how do you ruin salmon?

I mean, you basically just
shine a flashlight on it,

and it's done.

This craft beer is % alcohol.

Based on his flab to ab ratio,

he will be unconscious in four minutes,

peeing himself in six.

Not on my couch!

What? [HICCUPS]

Nothing.

Hey, uh... you ever
play any drinking games?

I have a drinking game.

Why don't you call the police

and tell them that I
should do the autopsy?

If you do it, you win!

[LAUGHS] No way.

Dead guy found in Jessup.
Eh... Jessup m*rder.

I could've modeled, you know?

Did I ever tell you that?

I was scouted at a mall one time.

Guy came up to me,
handed me a business card.

I called it. It's legit.

Told Kate about it
once. She said, "Cool."

You know, a guy comes up to
you in a mall, gives you a hug,

offers you a modeling gig...
A little bit more than cool.

You know what is cool?

m*rder.

You should fight to have
this one in Patience.

[SIGHS] No, we already
have enough of those.

Unless the k*ller, you know,

was somehow standing in Patience,

this is a Jessup problem.

What he doesn't know is,

the real k*ller was
definitely in Patience

when she sh*t the man.

I'm going for a walk.
Do not pee on my couch!

He said I had Superman's jawline.

[HICCUPS] Ouch.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

If the mayor is not going to
help me get the autopsy back,

I will do it myself.

♪

Mm.

This is the shell
casing from Asta's r*fle.

If I use this correctly,
I can move the focus

of the m*rder and the
autopsy back to Patience.

This is the shell from
the dead guy's g*n...

From the b*llet that almost k*lled me.

[g*nsh*t FIRES]

Few inches lower and this
would've hit your heart,

- and you'd be dead.
- Mm.

[LAUGHS]

Now the b*llet shell is gone,

and it is like I was never sh*t at all.

Mm.

It does not bother me.
Everything is fine.

Everything is just fine.

[ALIEN BABY CLICKING]

[VOMITS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

So what do you got?

Ha, sorry if we
interrupted your workout.

I run six miles every
morning for a healthy body,

and I do the crossword every
night for a healthy mind.

I can solve a Rubik's Cube.

I learned from a book, but I
don't need the book anymore.

Cool! My little niece can do that.

All right, Detective Torres,
this is Harry Vanderspeigle.

He's our town doctor. He
was gonna do the autopsy

before you decided to steal his body.

All right Dr. V, she's
here. So you wanna tell me

why you got three of
my deputies out there

scouring underneath those trees?

I have a working theory that
I would like to share with you,

with the aid of my
assistant, Judy Pooper.

It's Cooper. Pooper's my butt.

- Judy Cooter.
- Cooper!

Cooter's my lady pocket.

Should we get outside?

There was a perfect line
from those trees over there

to the hot tub.

Go.

With a hunting r*fle, the
m*rder*r could have hidden

over there to take the sh*t.

The sh*t knocks the
man into the water...

- Bang!
- Oh!

Oh. Ah!

[GRUNTING]

Oh, oh, oh, no. Oh, no.

- What the hell?
- Wow.

Why?

Excuse me.

- Was that good?
- You did not have to

fall in the water. I told her that.

- This is dead human soup.
- [SPITS]

Sheriff, I found a shell
of a hunting r*fle.

Look at that.

Well, that looks like an
excellent working theory.

Sir, those trees are on
the Patience side of the line.

Detective, I think we can all agree

that this m*rder here
crosses county lines.

Dr. Vanderspeigle, you
got a good handle on this.

You should take the autopsy,

and if your theory proves correct,

looks like we might be partners on this.

- Ugh.
- I will be happy

to do the autopsy.

Probably not happy,
because the man is dead.

No, I will be very happy. [LAUGHS]

[WATER BUBBLING]

- Judy...
- This water stinks.

Hey, Asta. I got your text.

- What's going on?
- Hey, um,

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Okay.

Hey, girls!

- Hi, Dan!
- Hi, Dad.

If you tell the police,

then the bad people will know
that you k*lled their friend,

and then they will come and k*ll you

and everyone that is close to you.

Hi?

I just wanted to tell you how much

I appreciate you and Mike
and all the hard work you do.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

You sure that's it?

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

That's it. Okay, thanks.

- Okay, yeah.
- Cool.

The beaver's dexterity
allows it to hold food

in its front paws as it eats.

The herbivore feasts on a quiet...

[SIGHS]

Took you long enough.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you not enjoying the fact
that I am funding your safety?

I'm sorry. I'm just hungry.

I have a problem.

There has to be a mole
somewhere in my organization.

Nobody else knew about our meetup.

Nobody else could've told
that sn*per where to be.

So congratulations, you're the
only one who can't be the mole.

- Huh.
- But can I trust you?

Of course.

Then why did I find the alien ball

hidden under the floorboards last night

- after I drugged your food?
- You drugged me?

Do you think I'm
stupid? You held onto this

because it's the only thing
that could've saved your life.

Well, if you've been drugging my food,

then clearly, I can't trust you either.

Good. Now we're on the same page.

We have an unknown common enemy.

We're on the same side now.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hey, how do I know you're
not just gonna drug me again?

You don't.

Victory! The autopsy is mine.

Now all I have to do

is falsify the results in my favor,

and Asta and I will be free.

- Are you ready?
- Yes.

Here is what I will do.

The time of death was
approximately : p.m.

I will say it was :
a.m. the next morning.

There is dirt on the body

from when we moved it from the woods.

I will not note that.

There is also bruising on the carcass

from when we dragged it over
the sticks and the pinecones.

I will not note that, either.

You sh*t him from feet away?

I will say that the wound
indicates that he was k*lled

from feet away, approximately.

Mark the b*llet's point of entry.

This is the death hole.

- [PANTING]
- What the hell happened?

Did you mark it?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[g*nsh*t]

We have not finished the autopsy.

I can't do it.

Why not?

How do I live with myself?

I k*lled him.

[SOLEMN MUSIC]

How do I live the rest
of my life like this?

I just want to forget the whole thing.

I can't do it. I can't!

It is okay.

- It will be okay.
- No, it won't.

It'll never be okay again.

I can feel her pain
as if it is inside me.

If she could just
pretend it did not happen,

she would feel better.

Do not think about the pain.

How?

If she cannot push
the bad feelings away,

I can help her.

I can erase all of her memories

of that night for her, and
she will be happy again.

[MOLLY DRAKE'S "HAPPINESS"]

She will forget, and
everything will be okay.

♪ Happiness is like
a bird with wings ♪

♪ Try to catch him as he flies ♪

♪ You can try to make
him walk beside you ♪