01x01 - Growing Pains

[bunniefuu]

Pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up.

Hey. Hey, it's me.

Um, will you call me back
when you get this?

I-I think someone's, uh,

I think someone's broken
into the house.

You call me back, okay?

I don't know how.

Hey!

Who's there?

I'm calling the cops.

Hey, rise and shine, kiddo.

It's time to join the rat race.

Mac. Mac, where's
my f*cking Walkman?

How should I know?

If I catch you with it again,
you're f*cking dead.

Piss off, Dylan.
You're gonna wake her up.

Mom, you didn't have to get up.

It's gonna be fine, Mom, okay?

Two hours, tops.

And I want to do this.

We've been over this.

It's a first job,
and I'm all yours

for at least six more years
before college, okay?

Then, after that, you and Missy
can visit me in the White House.

Okay.

- I will.
- Okay.

Bye.

Put it down.

I'm sorry, sir, but...
you aren't on my list.

You're trying to steal my paper.

I know a dirty thief
when I see one.

Bad enough you Japs are
running the plant out of town.

I'm Chinese.

I don't give a sh*t!

Here's your paper, sir.

My colleague here was confused.

I'm not confused.

Get off my porch.

Both of you.

You really want to get
your head split over a quarter

by a r*cist jerk?

You're welcome, by the way.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, I would have been fine.

Okay.

What's your name?

- Erin.
- Tiff.

You really picked
a stupid morning to start.

Hell Day.
The day after Halloween?

So what?

So Halloween only ended
four hours ago.

You'll see, New Girl.

What's your route?

Uh...

Uh, it's...

Marion, then Caroline.

Marion is two streets over.

You're not even
on the right block.

Here.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

These beauties cost me $49.99,

not counting tax or batteries.

- And check out the auto-modulation on...
- Hello?

Okay, let's maintain
proper distance during use.

- Sorry.
- You hold onto that one.

Buzz me if you run
into any trouble.

- Yo, Tonya.
- Tiffany.

- What?
- My name is Tiffany.

We delivered together last year.

Yeah, whatever.

I just saw Wally Becker
and his dipshit buddies

- chase some paper girl down Hemlock.
- sh*t.

Come on, New Girl.
We need backup.

Uh...

- Keep up, Tiny.
- I'm coming.

All right.
Come on.

Stop. Come on.

Please, stop.

- Let me go.
- Teenagers...

Hey, look,
it's the Cabbage Patch Kids.

Cool costumes, d*ck breath.

What'd you just call me?

You heard me, assh*le.

- Boo!
- Hey, leave her alone, you creep!

Come on!
Hurry up, New Girl!

See ya, losers!

Go!

- Whoa!
- Watch out.

That was amazing.

Did you guys see Wally's face?

He was pissing in his pants.

Bunch of limp dicks.

They have, like, two beers and
they think they're so tough.

Thanks for the backup,
by the way.

So you're Mac, right?

Yeah. So?

Look, I got a fan.

So, um, you were the first
paper boy around here

who wasn't, you know...

A boy?

Yeah, job pays half
what it used to,

which is probably why
they got a bunch of chicks

doing this sh*t now.

And you...

you must be the Brandman kid

that covers the route
over on Maple.

- KJ.
- Yeah.

Like Brandman
First National Bank.

And Brandman public library.

Hmm.

My grandfather,
he's kind of, I...

- He was a big f*cking deal, right?
- Mac...

Sure.

Nice to meet you. Tiff.

It's very nice
to meet you, Tiff.

Yeah. My dad says
you people own everything.

"You people"?

She's new. First ride.

Yeah, I can tell.

Well, anyway,

Brandman, Tonya, New Girl,

this has been real,
but I gotta get moving.

So, see ya around.

Or we could... stick together.

It is Hell Day.

Yeah, no thanks.

You Girl Scouts can
team up if you want.

Come on, Mac.

I don't see
what's wrong with it.

Maybe we even get our
full routes delivered.

What, you looking
for a promotion?

No, I'm looking to get
my route finished in one piece.

I got better stuff to do.

Plus, we could use my TRC-218s

so we can split into two groups.

- What?
- She has walkie-talkies

so we can stay in touch.

All right. Fine.
If it'll keep you three

from pissing your panties.

We'll ride up
to Sunnydale together,

and then we'll split off
into twos.

Walkie-talkie freak and preppy,
you're team one.

New Girl, you're with me.

All right, Big Mac.

My God.

I'm not gonna, like,
bite you or something.

Come on.

Why are these old dorks
still dressing up?

I grew out of trick-or-treating
when I was eight.

It's a school night,
for Pete's sake.

Hell Day, b*tches! Yeah!

Yeah! Losers!

Well, what was
your last costume?

Before you decided
to devote yourself fully

to the honor roll.

Astronaut. You?

I was Wayne Gretzky.

What were you, Mac?

Mac?

I was a Care Bear.

What was that?

I said I was a Care Bear.

Oh, well, isn't that sweet?

I was f*ckin' four!

What about you, New Girl?

Oh, um...

Well, technically,
I've only been once.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Well, it's stupid,
but my mom used to think

it was, like, too dangerous
for me and my sister

to go out at night.

But I really think
she was just scared

to talk to our neighbors
'cause, my mom...

I mean, her English
isn't so good.

But then I tried it,
and I was like,

"I'm too old for this.
No, thanks."

Oh, you guys can call me Er...

Hold up, New Girl.

I need you to try out
channel three.

Just press the big button
on the side to talk

if anything goes down, okay?

Come on, Tiff, let's go.

Testing. Check, check.
Sibilance.

- I can hear you.
- Good.

Come on, we don't have all day.

Is it supposed to rain?

KJ, we need to take
the shortcut to Oswald.

No, this way's faster.

Let go of me!
Get off. Get off me!

Hey. Hey!

Hey, get off her.

- Hey, get back here!
- Be afraid, tough guys!

Get back here!

- Oh, God!
- Hey, where you going?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Where's my walkie?

I'm so sorry. I promise
I'll get you another one.

Impossible. Do you have
any idea how many

Christmas bonuses that cost me?

Kid just got jacked
on her ass, Tonya.

Can you go a little
easier on her?

Were those the same assholes?

I-I don't know.
I couldn't see. I think so.

- I bet it was Wally.
- It's okay. Ooh.

You'll be all right, okay?
Just walk it off.

- Thank you.
- I think Mrs. Carson down the street

is usually up by now;
we should call the cops.

Piggies in this town
aren't gonna do sh*t.

So, what, we just take it?

- I'm so sick of being messed with this morning.
- Same.

I mean, we're just trying
to deliver papers.

It's a public utility.

Well... I'm not scared of
Wally Becker and his buddies.

Me neither.

Four, one, six, six.

Hey, ass clowns, if you can
hear this, get ready,

'cause we're coming
to get our sh*t back.

Come on, let's do this.

Trust me, they went this way.

My brother and his friends party
over here all the time.

Must be some parties.

Yeah, you seem
more like the champagne

and toast type, huh?

All right. Lights off.
Lights off. Leave 'em here.

Come on, come on, come on.

All right, five bucks says
Wally and his buddies

are hiding out in there.

Wait.

So we're really going
to fight these guys?

That's our plan?

No.

If Tiff's walkie is broken,
we're murdering them.

Damn straight.

What is that smell?

Something stinks like
old gym socks and barf.

You ever been
in a fight, New Girl?

You have? All right,
show me your fists.

No, no. You gotta keep
the thumb on the outside,

or else you'll break it.

You can always just kick 'em.
Biting works, too.

Hey.

You guys hear that?

Come on.
They're in the basement.

Super creepy basement?

Sure. Why not?

Turn it off.

Let's smoke these posers out.

Wait. I'll get it.

Okay, go for it.

- Are you ready?
- Okay. Okay.

- Hello, dickweeds!
- Give us back our...

- You're gonna get your ass kicked, Wally!
- Give us back our walkie!

- I know it's you, assh*le!
- Tiff, grab it!

- Tiff!
- Tiffany!

Mac, look out!

Are you okay?

Who the hell were they?

I don't know,
but that sure as sh*t

wasn't Wally Becker.

Okay, guys,
we should not be here right now.

They still have my walkie.

Who gives a sh*t
about your walkie, Tonya?

- Did you see his face?
- Tiffany. - Shh!

Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- - Power's blown!

- Go! Go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!

- Go! Go, go, go, go!
- Come on, hurry!

Go!

- How do we get out of here?
- What was wrong with that guy's face?

Guys.

- What time is it?
- Thirty minutes

- till sunrise.
- But it's so bright.

Or, at least,
it's supposed to be.

I have to get home.

- Same.
- Yeah, screw this. Run!

- Guys, come on, let's go.
- Come on! Let's get out of here.

- Come on, hurry up.
- Go, move it.

What's going on?

All right, come on,
my house isn't far.

Move, move!
Let's get out of here!

Go faster.

- Mac, where's your phone?
- Just let me think. Just let me think.

Why does the sky look like that?

Calm down, everybody.

All right.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

- Okay. New Girl, sit.
- Did you guys...

You guys saw the sky, right?

There's no power.

Dylan?

Dad?

- Maybe they're at work?
- What?

No. No, the factory's
not open yet.

My brother couldn't get hired
to dig a ditch.

Are these yours?

Whatever.

Not all of us get to live
in a JCPenney catalog.

I didn't mean to...

Yeah, whatever.
This is weird.

My dad doesn't go anywhere
without his smokes.

Maybe everybody
has already been evacuated.

That's standard procedure
when there's a nuclear att*ck.

We don't know
there's a nuclear att*ck.

You think it could be aliens?

I'm just saying we don't know.

Where my walkie?

- What the heck language is that?
- I think it's Russian.

- That's not funny.
- Come on.

I'm not trying to be funny.

Okay, guys, something
is seriously wrong here.

I know
this is gonna sound insane,

but did anyone see any actual
people on our ride over here?

Come on, it's "f*ck you o'clock"
early in the morning.

No, no, she's right.
'Cause, come to think of it,

I didn't see cars moving,
either.

Did you?

No.

I...

- I have to go.
- What?

- Whoa. Hey.
- Sorry, kid. Not an option.

We have no f*cking idea
what's going on

out there,
and I'm not coming out

to save you
when sh*t hits the fan.

All right, Mac.
Take it easy on her. Jesus.

Make me.

You don't understand, okay?
It's...

I can't wait.

My mom-my mom can't even
go to the bank by herself.

I'm not like you guys.

People need me.

- The f*ck's that supposed to mean?
- Yeah.

I'm-I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.

It's just...

Her English.

- If it is some kind of...
- Invasion.

...emergency, she's not gonna
understand, okay?

Now let me go.

Whoa. No. New Girl, I'm sorry.
No. But Mac is right.

The best thing to do
is stay put.

- Duck and cover.
- Tiffany.

Then it's decided.

Nobody in.

Nobody out.

We wait here.

Well, if it is
some kind of invasion,

at least I don't have to wear
that dumb dress

my mom bought
for my bat mitzvah.

The hell is a bat mitzvah?

Don't worry about it.

I've only been
doing this a year,

- but the stories I could tell you.
- No way.

Worse than baseball bat guy
thinking I stole his paper?

Way worse.

Like this one time, I went
to collect over on Marion.

Guy's a longtime subscriber
for, like, ever.

I ring the doorbell,
get my whole spiel ready,

and when the door swings open,
he's completely naked.

No underwear or anything?

- Butt naked.
- That's gross. God. -

Turns out he had somnambulism.

Is that contagious?

No. It-It's sleepwalking.

- Oh.
- He was asleep the whole time.

Hmm.

- Guess his subscription got canceled.
- Sure did.

Dude, that's nothing.

You know, when I first started,

there was this bunch
of younger guys

who'd get off
the overnight shift

at the factory,
and they'd throw, like,

full cans of beer at me
on Amherst.

- That's messed up.
- So messed up.

It was a total waste
of good beer.

Here. Have some.

- Where'd you get that?
- Thanks.

We hand them out every year
for Halloween.

Full size?

My family only hands out
the little ones.

Yeah.

My mom's trying to make
our neighbors like us.

Our neighbors
don't really like us.

I like you.

- Same.
- Think fast.

Nice throw, dipshit.

Nice reflexes.

Thank you.

Guys, do you hear that?

What is that?

What is that?

Whoa! What is that?

Guys, hurry.

- Shh!
- Stay away from the window.

- Down, down, get down!
- - Okay, shh, shh.

f*ck this.

It's the Soviets.

Is anybody out there?

Are there people out there?

Are there people out there?

- Mac, what is that?
- What does it look like?

- It's my dad's.
- Mac.

- Let's not do that. - Put the g*n down, Mac.
- My brother

- showed me where it was in case sh*t ever hit the fan.
- Mac.

- Mac. Mac, put the g*n down.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Keep it down. Keep it down.
- There is a g*dd*mn invasion

- going on outside. We are on our own.
- I don't care.

- Please put the g*n down.
- Put it down, Mac.

- It's not even loaded yet.
- Guys! - Mac, stop it.

- Get your hand off of it.
- Guys!

Is... is any... is anybody hurt?

Oh, my...

What did you do?

Erin!

Erin?

Hey, Erin? Erin?
You got to stay with us.

Come on, come on,
it's okay, Erin.

Is she okay?

Who's driving?

Tiffany. Tiffany's driving.

We're going... we're going
to the hospital.

We're gonna go to the hospital
for you, okay?

Stay with us, Erin.

What's-what's the theme song
of the show you love?

- What's that show, what's that show?
- Come on, Erin.

- Growing Pains.
- Growing Pains, yeah.

- I love that show.
- Okay,

sing it. Sing it for me, okay?

Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Come on, let's keep going.

- Let's keep going.
- She-She's fading, Tiff.

Can't you drive any faster?
Please, just go.

My mom only let me drive
once in a parking lot, okay?

Okay, you just
got to stay awake, okay?

She's gonna be okay, right?

- She'll be okay, right?
- Where's my mom? Where's Missy?

- Hold on!
- Stop! Brake, brake!

Who the hell are these guys?

- What's happening?
- Okay, Tiffany, please, drive, drive, drive!

I'm trying!

No! No!

Hello there, kiddo.

Are we dead?

Not everyone who gets sh*t dies.

The future doesn't belong
to the fainthearted.

It belongs

to the brave.

Get her up, get her up!
Erin, come on,

- come on, let's get up!
- Where are we going?

What the hell?

We stopped moving.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on, come on, come on, let's go.
- We have to go, now!

- Move! - Where did you take us?
- Nice and easy.

Where the hell are we?

Let her down. Easy. Easy,
easy, easy.

Did we just fly?

Listen, okay?
Your friend's gonna be

all right,
but we have traveled...

Do you understand "traveled"?

What do you mean, "we traveled"?

- This stupid thing.
- Who's this guy, E.T.?

- But you're caught up in something here that-that...
- You really picked

- the wrong time to f*ck with us.
- I knew it was the Soviets.

- Not the time, Tiff.
- That's funny, give me another.

Just get back
in the capsule. Please.

Look, I can explain more
once you're safe.

She's gonna f*cking die!

- They're gonna be here soon.
- Who's gonna be here?

- We've all... Please...
- Get back! I am warning you!

I don't think you realize this,
but you're a long way from home.

They're here.

Help me get her up!
Help me get her up!

Go, go, go.

Enemy!

This can't be real.
This can't be real.

Oh, my God! This is real!

This is real!

- Come on!
- Come on, come on, come on!

- Whoa!
- You're alive!

How are you still standing?

- Keep moving!
- Go!

Aah!

Come on.

That'll get you...
Underground.

Go to home.

I don't understand.
What is this?

What do they want?

Tiff, come on, we got to go.

Go, go, go! Come on, come on.
Come on.

Go!

- Let's go, Erin! Come on.
- Come on! Let's go!

Stop! Guys, stop!

They-they m*rder*d them.

Wait. How-how are you not dead?

Um...

It's not...

It's not possible.

Thank God.
I thought I k*lled you.

You almost did!

New Girl, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

My name is Erin.
It's not New Girl.

My name is Erin, okay?!

Erin. Okay. Fine.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Erin.

All right? I didn't mean to.
It was an accident. All right?

Is anybody else hurt?

I don't know what I am.

If we-if we are
where we think we are,

my house isn't far, okay?
We just...

we just gotta keep going.

No argument there.

None of you move!

Are you Underground?

What's... what's Underground?
What's Underground?

- Come on, man, please. No, please.
- Stop. Just stop!

Please, please don't sh**t her!

Hey! Is it this?

Is this what you're after?
Here.

Is he... is he... is he...

is he dead? Is he...

Holy sh*t.

He's not moving.

He was gonna k*ll us.

This is it, right here.

Come on.
Come on, open the door.

I'm trying.

Mom? Missy?

- Take your shoes off.
- Good, the power's back.

- Mom?
- Thank God.

Mom! Missy!

Hey! Who's there?

I'm calling the cops.

- That your mom?
- No.

What are you doing in my house?

Wh-What are you doing
in my house?

- I live here.
- No, I live here.

Erin, are you sure
this is the right house?

Erin, you need to see this.

How do you know my name?

Who the hell are you kids?

No...

No! No, no, no, no, no.
That's not possible.

Wait a minute. That's her.

The f*ck are you
talking about, she's her?

Look at her.

Oh, my God.

This can't be.

Holy...

sh*t.