01x02 - Weird Al is Dead

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

f*ck!

There's no way that was me.

How the f*ck did she get
in the house?

Okay, okay. Come on!

I know what to do.
I know what to do.

And then, and then,
you're gonna tell them what?

Erin, what are you
gonna tell them?

That the... the 12-year-old
version of yourself broke

into your house with her
punk friends you never had?

You know, maybe time travel's
just a normal thing in 2019?

Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

'Cause back home, we were
meeting friendly future robots

and Civil w*r soldiers
all the time.

- This is f*cking insane.
- I know.

That was future me.

That-That's who I become.

And I just... I just
ran away like a child.

Okay.

This isn't real.

Oh. This is a psychotic break.

There has to be some
explanation.

Um, I-I-I don't still
live in the same house.

I'm supposed to be...

Is my husband coming home soon?

Are my kids asleep upstairs?

Maybe we're dead.

What? Time travel is so much
more likely than we're dead?

If we're dead,
then we're in hell.

Do you guys think
that he's okay?

I mean, I know that...

that he-he wasn't...

moving, but he could be
okay, right? He's...

I don't know.

I think just all
of this has to be... undone.

Or we have to undo this

or reverse it somehow or...

- Oh, f*ck.
- Okay.

- So we go back to that space capsule thing.
- No.

No, no-no, stop. No, anything.
We're not going there.

If we really did time travel...

Which we don't know is a fact.

Makes more sense
than we're dead.

- Whatever.
- This has to matter.

Whatever this is.

Dude, for all we know, it could
be a futuristic drink coaster.

Drink coaster?

Well, what about...
what about her? You?

- Mm, no.
- You, if that really is future you up there,

then maybe she can call someone.

Who's she gonna call?
Time travel 911?

Do you want to call 911?

Oh, good Lord,
there are future robots.

What the...?
What is that thing?

Do you want to call 911?

Do you want to call 911?

Guys?

Oh, sh*t.

Please open the door.

I'm right here. I'm just...

Just hold on for a second, okay?

Just open the door, please.

Okay, this isn't real.
This isn't real.

This...

This is real.

Oh, f*ck.

Please don't swear right now.

Are our kids asleep?

What?

What happened to Mom?

Jesus.

The important thing is... that
she's not suffering anymore.

Did something happen
to Missy, too?

- Is she dead?
- What?

No.

No.

Well, where is she?

Don't we still hang out?

I, uh...

I basically
had some struggles, and...

Missy wasn't
exactly there for me.

You know, and then everything
with Mom, and, uh...

The answer
to your question is "no."

People grow up,
and things change, you know?

Missy has her whole life,
and, uh...

I have mine.

So we're married?

Oh, you sound just like Mom.

We're still single.

Are we, um... you, happy?

That's a...

loaded word
when you're my age, kid.

Let's see. I bet you are,

uh, obsessed
with Growing Pains right now.

Right?

Well, uh, surprise.

The Tiengs aren't the Seavers.

We never were, and, uh,

it's just me,
so it's not even plural.

I mean, Missy's got
her whole f*cking life,

and, uh, you know, me, I...

I've just got my house, my job,

my dumb little car, and, uh,

my Xanax.

Seems like the only thing
that's gotten better is

that people in town have stopped
assuming I own a laundromat.

What is your job?

I, uh, work in the court system.

- A lawyer?
- Paralegal.

Yes, a paralegal.

What do you want me to say?

Yeah, I-I don't even remember

what I wanted to be
when I was your age.

A U.S. senator
and a mother of four.

Wow. Well, as you can see,

that did not transpire.

We need to stay here with you
at least for the night.

Sure, yeah. Of course.

Also, are we sick?

That's very unclear
at the moment.

Oh, my God.

May I ask you why
you're covered in blood?

Oh, um,

one-one of the other girls
downstairs sh*t me

in the stomach,
but I'm okay now.

Okay.

Yeah, I got it.

I don't really got it, but...

I mean, you seem okay.

Here you go.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh. You guys ate
all my pickles.

I kind of have a thing
for pickles.

Yeah. I know.

Mac.

I'm good.

Uh, Mac? Mac?

Mac! Hello?

Yeah, do you... do you
at least want a blanket

or some clothes to sleep in?

My brother tells me
to never wear anything

that you wouldn't be comfortable
passing out in.

Oh.

Sounds like quite a guy.

Maybe you should
give him my number.

In this time you fall,

here you rest for all infinity.

What update for Grand Father?

None.

But this causality...

It be over.

Erin?

I'm sorry about your mom.

Me, too.

Yeah. Thanks.

Is that your dad?

He d*ed when I was nine.

My mom never got over it.

It's nice to have such
a special place for pictures.

It's a thing in China,
to remember people.

There's all these rules.

Like, it has to face a window
or a balcony.

And be a certain height.

I used to think it was stupid.

Do you guys think
all our parents are dead?

Tiff, God.

Our pets are definitely dead.

That's horrible.

I have a hamster.

You mean "had."

Weird Al is dead.

What? He's probably just old.

My hamster's name is "Weird Al."

Weird Al?

Okay, KJ, do you have any pets?

Yes, I do.

I have a dog,

and I had sea monkeys.

You're making that up.

Oh, man. Missy and I used
to have sea monkeys, too.

There was this boy
in first grade,

and his name was...

- Weird Al?
- No, stop.

It was Craig Wick some.

Craig.

I brought in our sea monkeys
to show everyone.

And then when I opened up
the plastic lid, you know,

the top...
and it smelled like...

it smelled like pee.

The smell was always so bad.

I... am seen,

and I am worthy.

Emotionally, I'm gonna win.

Financially...

I'm gonna win.

And in my life,

I'm... I'm...

I'm gonna.

Home sweet home.

What are you doing out here?

Jesus Christ!
You could have k*lled me!

Ugh! I almost
caved your skull in.

Seriously, what are you doing?

Why do you have a wrench?

In case somebody sneaks up
on me in the dark.

Where the hell are we?

You don't recognize it?

I live here.

Lived.

Mac, I'm really sorry.

You know...

if you squint,

future Stony Steam still
looks pretty much the same.

Except I passed where my school
was, back on Amhearst...

it's totally gone now,
which is excellent.

Mrs. Carson's house is for sale.

What? She'd be,
like, what? 116 now?

Yup. She's bones.

Oh, my God,
that is so messed up.

That's the auto plant.

My dad works there.

Worked, now, I guess.

Yeah.

It's bones now.

- Sorry.
- Yeah, it's fine.

Between the Japs
and the Jameson,

he barely had a job anyway.

Hey, would you stop
with all that?

Why? Because they're not coming
for your dad's bank job?

Mm, nuh-uh. You know,
"they" aren't coming

for anyone's dad's jobs.

And you can't really
say that stuff.

It's not... it's not okay, okay?

I don't even want to go near
what else you probably say...

- Get off my case.
- No, really.

How I'm the rich girl
with the banks

- and the champagne and...
- What's the big deal?

Explain to me,
what is the big deal?

Have you ever heard
of the Holocaust?

Oh, give me a break.

Ask my grandmother
about it sometime.

I'm sure she really enjoyed it.

- This isn't n*zi Germany.
- And yet,

someone wrote "Jew Bitch"
on my locker last year.

Well, um...

I wouldn't... I wouldn't
do anything like that.

Good to know.

Whose is this?

Easy. Easy now.

Is this yours?

Yeah, yeah, it's mine.

You know, me and the boys had
a real good scrimmage going

before you dorks showed up
and started blasting away.

Who's KJ Brandman?

Is KJ Underground?

That's-that's enough.
Yes, yes.

Is he working alone?

No.

Lou is the leader.

Lou? Good.
How many more in the cell?

You got John Cale.

Sometimes even Andy Warhol gets

involved.

This is the
problem with you teenagers.

So much confidence,
such bad judgment.

Now tell me the truth.

Oh!

Hey.

Hey!

We're heading out to the woods
where we arrived,

but we need you to take us.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

What-what-what time is it?

Like I was saying,
we need to go back

to where
the time capsule thing was.

Can you take us?

Um, back to where the...

...intergalactic battle
happened?

Um, I'm still
coming around on, uh...

...time traveling.

Yeah. One thing at a time.

You know, the slower you move,

the longer we're going
to be living here.

This is it.

So where'd he go?

Maybe he just got up

after-after we left,
and he's fine.

Who's okay?

You know what?
Don't worry about it.

But what I'm stuck on is
where's all the blood?

- Excuse me?
- She's right.

Someone must have
mopped it all up.

sh*t. sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

sh*t.

My hockey stick, where is it?
Do you see it? Where is it?

Look for it, Tiff.
Where is it? They know who I am.

All right, all right,
all right. Calm down.

I can't find it.
Where is it?

It's probably just
in the bushes or something.

We were just here.
How could it not be here?

- Okay. We'll find it.
- What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I'm just documenting this

- and hoping it'll help us later on. You know?
- Is that a camera?

- Right. So, uh...
- Holy sh*t.

Yeah, so, uh, you know,

in the future, uh,
there are phones with no cords.

We have those already.

Some of us.

No, like, they're phones,
but they're also computers

that you can
take out of your house

and carry around
in your pocket, and...

I knew I recognized this.

This is a computer.

Where would you go
if this broke?

Uh...

I might know someone.

KJ.

I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this,

but maybe it's time
to call future me.

What?

Do you trust her?

Sure.

But do you think she's capable?

It was rad seeing my house gone.

Only thing that
would have made it better

would've been watching
that wrecking ball

go right through it.

That seems kind of,
I don't know...

...sad.

No.

Now I'm free.

I'm not.

I need to get back to Hell Day.

My mom needs me and my sister.

All right, whatever,
it's your funeral.

You know what feels good,
though?

What I didn't find.

Some sorry-assed, older me,

alcoholic husband,

not doing sh*t.

You know, I knew
I got the f*ck out of Dodge.

Future's so bright, right?

The point is,
I'm just letting that sh*t be.

Lucky you.

Come on now, that's not
what I was trying to say.

About you getting sh*t...

I know you know
that it wasn't my fault.

I know you know this,
but, it's just,

if there are any hard feelings,

please know that
I'm glad that you didn't die

when the g*n went off.

Uh, I'm sorry I sh*t you.

It won't happen again.

Thank you.

You handled it
like a real champ.

My brother would say
you have the cojones.

Hell's that mean?

Nuts.

Like, boy nuts, balls.

Oh.

Gross.

No, it's means you're tough.

You know?

Tough.

I always thought I'd grow up

and have a house with two
stories, right next to Missy's.

Our kids are supposed
to be best friends

and go to the same
private schools.

I just expected more of myself,
you know?

Well, future you
is not all that bad, okay?

You're just
being hard on yourself.

She did give you
that rad shirt...

...which says "dumb" on it.

I mean, it is her shirt.

Mm-hmm.

What?

It fits you.

Shut up.

Just saying.

- Hey.
- Hey.

It's been a minute, huh?
How are you?

Uh, good, good.

Yeah, um...

Okay.

How did you handle
the power outage last night?

Oh, uh, you know, just waited
for it to come back on.

Me, too.

It's why I never leave my,
uh, backup drives plugged in.

Good tip.

Got to be honest, I didn't think
I would hear from you,

which was weird because I had a lot of fun.

Yeah, I've... you know,
I-I've been busy.

I'm just really happy
to see you.

- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.

I thought that night was great.

We, uh, split that bottle
of wine at Buca di Beppo.

Ah, yeah,

talked the night away.

What is she doing?

Is that her boyfriend?

Those are my nieces.

Cool.

Over there, yeah.

I bet you're, like,

the hip aunt they want to be
when they grow up.

Oh, yeah, I doubt that.

Um, hey, so, uh,
here-here's the issue.

Um, I've got this thing
I need to get repaired.

- It's...
- Whoa.

Wow. Where did you get this?

I've never seen
anything like it.

I know, right? It's really...

Yeah, it's definitely
not mass-market.

Not yet.

Are you even supposed
to have this?

Well, it's a, uh...

prototype.

Uh, you know, I-I'm working
on this patent case,

and my bosses, down at the firm,
wanted me to run down the specs.

So, anyway,

it's all really
kind of top secret, Koko.

Yeah.

Okay, right on. Top secret.

Look at you.

Okay, look, well, let's try,
um, charging it first, right?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay.

Could be as simple
as a dead battery.

- Let's see if it'll, uh, pull juice wirelessly.
- Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, I think it's fried.

Oh... Oh, sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

What are you doing?!

- What did you do?!
- Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't-don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine.

Oh, my God.

We're never getting home.

Tiff, yes, yes, we are.
We're gonna get back. It's okay.

It's not okay.
I was on track for MIT.

And now we're not getting home.

You'll get home.

- No, I won't.
- You will.

'Cause I'm standing in the
middle of a computer store

where some guy you're boning

just torched and buried
our only chance

- to get home.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna go to the back...
- Yeah.

- ...and look for a...
- Yeah, okay, Koko.

Thank you so much. Are-are
you... Is your hand okay?

Sorry.

- Tiff.
- Oh.

Look at me. Hey.

We're gonna get home.

How?

I don't know, but when we do,

you know who's gonna
be there for you?

Weird Al.

And even Weird Al is dead.

Tiffany, come on.

Okay. Okay, okay,
you know what? f*ck it.

Tiff, we're gonna find
future you.

In fact, we're gonna find
future all of you.

Yeah, we need myself.
She'll know what to do.

She'll have a perfect handle
on all of this.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yes. I'm sure she's amazing and brilliant

and in a very high-income
tax bracket.

We need a phone book.

They don't have that anymore.

There aren't even phone books?

Relax, relax. We'll go
on the Internet and find her.

What's the Internet?

This is amazing.

- So, this is just, like...
- Uh, can you just not.

- You-you...
- Everything, like,

all human knowledge, you can
just go to it with a computer?

Well, eh, sort of.

There's also a-a lot
of bullshit on here.

- Could I just...
- Um, yeah.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Hey, look, look.

Maybe if you move that
to the side.

Mac, get off.
You'll break it.

Try hitting that one.

You want to do it?
Go ahead.

So, uh, how are you
holding up with everything?

This thing, uh,
in the woods that happened,

did-did somebody get hurt?

All I can think about is...
why was it me?

I don't know
how to use this thing.

- Just let me do it.
- Why-why was it me and not one of them?

Why did I just
att*ck him like that?

Have you ever hurt anybody
before?

No.

Never? Not even, like,
in sports or anything?

Oh, I... I never really
played sports, KJ.

And, uh, I don't really
follow sports, either.

Um, although, you know, I-I do
like a good baseball game,

every now and then.

Are the Indians
still crap in the future?

No, it gets better.

Pretty soon, it gets better,

but, you know,
I don't want to spoil anything.

How much better?

A lot better, but, you know,

they're still the Indians,
but, uh...

Although that name has
gotten a lot less okay.

What are you guys talking about?

Baseball.

- Enter your name.
- You don't even like baseball.

Try a name.

Yes!

I have an institute.

I have my own institute.

It's the Quilkin Institute.

See, I told you I knew my sh*t.

Are you even serious right now?

Future me
will know how to get us home.

Seems like you've done
everything perfectly

in your life.

She's in Cleveland,

so we need
to get on the road, ASAP.

Hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop.

Everyone, listen.

No one is going to Cleveland.

We need to take a b*at, okay?

- Take a b*at?
- Yes.

That's your plan?

Oh, Christ.
Will you cut me some slack?

Look, I said I was sorry
that-that whatever it is,

- that it...
- You mean whatever it was?

Yes. That it fritzed out
or whatever.

Look, I'm just saying that,
you-you know, rushing around...

We need to get home.

Okay? We have responsibilities.

You're supposed to be an adult,
aren't you?

- Why is this so hard to understand for you?
- I'm not saying

you should just give up.

That's funny coming from you.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Guys.
- Remember in the fourth grade

when we had the assembly
and they talked

about the year 2000?

Mrs. Anderson said, "Some of you

will have jobs that haven't
even been invented yet."

Why on earth
would I remember that?

Did you ever even try
to do anything?

Look, I'm sorry

I couldn't get elected
to f*cking Congress

and sh*t out four kids.

Or nothing?

And you couldn't even
do that right.

I'm sorry, but you

are literally the worst version
of how my life could've gone!

Okay, you know, you-you...

you may think that you know
what you want,

but the truth is

you have no idea
who you even are.

You're-you're a 12-year-old kid.

Jesus Christ, I have DVDs
that are older than you.

Oh, and apparently,

we're the same person,
so really,

- you're just taking a sh*t on yourself.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay, well, you know what?

I might become you,
but I'm not you yet.

And I'm going to make sure
that never happens.

Oh, well, good luck.
'Cause news flash,

this paper route
you're so proud of?

You quit it after one day.

These girls, they
don't even remember your name.

You're no one to them.

New Girl. That's it.

You want to blame me
for being a quitter?

Well, I got my start
a long time ago.

You're right, Tiff.

I'm sure whoever you turned out
to be is way more helpful.

I'm betting anyone is. Let's go.

KJ.

At least you have a place.

Some kind of job, too.

- You could've been a cr*ck whore, so...
- Really?

- Mac, come on.
- Fine.

Well, I'm sure
KJ's the one in prison.

I don't remember
the bus station being this far.

It's been 31 years.

Who knows if the bus station's
even still here.

At this rate,
we'll never make it

out of Stony Stream before dark.

We've got to think about a place
we can crash or something.

How much do you think
tickets are now?

No idea.

I only got a couple bucks on me.

Wait, where's the device?

That thing is the only clue
we have to get home.

How the f*ck should I know?

Nobody took it?

- You mean you forgot it.
- We have to go back and get it.

- Are you kidding me?
- How is future me gonna help us

if we don't have the one device
that could get us home?

- Stupid thing didn't even work anyway.
- Hell no.

- I'm not going back there.
- Hey,

guys, where are we
gonna stay tonight?

What the f*ck?

Welcome.

STF Unit 953. Enable system?

Yes? Yes.

What?

No. No, no.

No.

Deactivate. Unactivate.
Come on, stop!

System arming.

System armed.

Armed?

These f*cking kids.

This is spooky.

What happened to it?

At least it's got a roof.

I remember these.

I used to play here for hours.

That used to be KB Toys.

Missy and I would beg our mom
to take us in there.

My parents bought me an Atari
four-switch VCS system there.

That was Chick-fil-A.

Man, I could go
for some waffle fries right now.

- That would be awesome.
- Yes. Oh, my God.

Remember when Debbie Gibson
played here?

Yes.

That was amazing. I begged
my mom for weeks to get tickets.

- Me, too.
- That was

the first time
I ever heard her music.

I'd only seen her in magazines.

She's so cool.

"She's so cool."

Debbie Gibson f*cking blows.

I remember the first time
I saw you, Mac.

It was over there
by the big fountain,

and your brother,
he was fishing out coins,

and you went up behind him,
and you pushed him in.

Here we go.

Mac's brother.
I bet he's the one in prison.

Hey, f*ck you.

You think you know my family?

And you. What are you,
some kind of stalker?

- No. I was just here shopping with my mom.
- Yeah,

- it's f*cking creepy.
- God, Mac.

- Why do you have to be such a d*ck all the time?
- You know,

I'm kind of sick of everybody
talking about the good ole days

like they were actually good.

You've been to my house,
moneybags,

so don't act like you didn't
notice how f*cking poor we are.

And I have that route

because I need money for lunch.

Not to buy toys,
Inspector f*cking Gadget.

- Okay, sorry.
- And, New Girl,

life isn't supposed to be
some perfect sitcom.

- Come on, Mac.
- It's not like we're friends anyway.

We got together for one morning
to deliver papers.

We don't all have to do
the same thing all the time

like cheery
best Baby-Sitter Club buddies.

It's f*cking stupid,
and it's lame.

The thing we're all doing
is trying to get back home.

f*ck that.

I'm not going back.

What are you talking about?
Of course you're going back.

Are you joking right now?

We have to stay together.

Oh. You know, actually,

we don't.

Remember that computer
at adult you's house?

Well, I used it
to look up my brother.

Guess what, Erin.

Guess what, Tiff?

He's an ER doctor now.

How 'bout them apples.

Maybe future Coyles

aren't dog sh*t after all.

I'm gonna go stay with him
for a while.

Then we'll come with you.

Yeah, you're not invited,
dickheads.

- Come on.
- Mac, it's safer

- if we stick together.
- Why?

Future you
doesn't even remember any of us.

So you know what that means?

It means that we don't give
a sh*t about each other anyway.

Just let her go
if she thinks she's so tough.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

'Cause you're
the stone-cold psycho

who k*lled a guy
with your hockey stick.

- Yeah, so hit me. You gonna hit me?
- Guys, stop it.

- Huh? Yeah, go ahead.
- f*ck you.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

Anyway, it's been real.

See you in the future, I guess.

Or never.

Which is also fine.

The cheetah utilizes

- short bursts of speed...
- Skylar called.

She wanted to know
where we stood on hosting

the Homeowner's Dinner
this year.

- Ozzie?
- Huh?

Do you want to host
the Homeowner's Dinner again?

Ah, do we need to?

It's 50 people
traipsing through the house,

and then we always end up

with two weeks' worth
of leftover bruschetta. It's...

- All right. You expecting somebody?
- No.

It's not the end
of the world, darling.

The cheetah's
night vision is poor,

compared to others
in the big cat kingdom.

- Hi, there.
- Hi.

Wow.

I'm Karen.

- Ozzie.
- What a beautiful home.

We just moved in
off Sycamore Road.

Oh, the older development.

Is this yours?

My daughter was playing in
the woods out back and found it.

I saw the name and asked around.

- You-you found this out in the woods over there?
- Mm-hmm.

- That's impossible.
- So you do recognize it.

What...
What are you... Ozzie?

- Hold on. Take it easy, now.
- What are...