01x06 - You Are Home

[bunniefuu]

Stay off your feet.

No, that's not really a thing anymore.

It's fine to be active.

It's good, actually.

As long as you're eating properly,

staying hydrated, you can exercise.

Would you consider yourself

a generally healthy person?

Compared to what?

You've got some anxiety around this.

That's normal,

but it's helpful to try to minimize stress

during your pregnancy.

I find a lot of my patients benefit

from relaxation techniques,

guided meditation, breathing exercises.

What about when this thing

actually gets here?

Is there a breathing exercise for that?

We're hardwired to do this.

You're going to be a great mom.

How would you know that?

How the f*ck would you know that?

You're basing that on on

On what, my weight?

My blood pressure?

How the f*ck would you know

what kind of mother I'm gonna be?

What if what if I don't even want

this thing?

You ever think about that?

- Of course, I didn't mean to

- Breathing exercises.

I just meant for you

to take care of yourself.

- Obviously the decision is

- Take care of myself?

What does that even mean?

Do you hear yourself?

Liv! Come back here, querida.

Come back here right now!

Dad?

It's okay, Liv. I'm still here.

See?

I'm right here.

I promise.

I love you.

Liv.

Liv, come on. You got to get up.

Nope, we're not doing that.

Come on. It's you and me, kid.

Time to start our day.

Get up, Liv.

You have to keep on moving.

You have to walk or you'll die.

Rises in the East.

Sets in the West.

Rises in the East.

Sets in the West.

North.

I'm going North.

It's impossible.

Impossible?

It's not impossible.

How far have you gotten?

It's too hard.

How do you eat an elephant?

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

One bite at a time.

Then you're going to pull the corners.

Yeah.

And smooth it out.

And then here,

what you're going to do is fold this part,

make it nice and smooth.

Very good.

We're gonna be late.

I'll just take this. Right.

North.

North.

I've got your picture ♪

That you gave to me ♪

And it's signed with love ♪

Just like it used to be ♪

The only thing different ♪

- Liv?

- The only thing new ♪

- What have I told you about

- I'm sorry.

I've got your picture ♪

About working with mixed media.

She's got you ♪

Try some red.

I've got the records ♪

That we use to share ♪

And they still sound the same ♪

As ♪

Thought I'd walk with you a bit.

That okay?

I don't know how much walking

I have left in me.

- Four, five days maybe, and then

- Don't think about that.

Just keep going.

It's all I can think about.

Dying out here.

Just keep moving forward.

Long as you can do that,

you still got a sh*t.

Liv, don't think about it.

Think about something else.

You could've told me

that you were pregnant.

I didn't know.

After, I mean after you knew.

What difference would it make?

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood."

- Danny.

- Fine, we'll skip the Frost.

Who knows what difference?

Maybe none.

You could've told me, that's all.

I was always more of a

Langston Hughes gal.

"Holding you is difficult today."

"You feel sharp and jagged."

"All shoulder blades and elbows."

"How I would love to round your edges."

"To make you smooth

in my rock tumbler heart."

That's Hughes?

That's one of my dad's.

I think I'd be a good dad.

Of course, you do.

You suffer from chronic overconfidence.

I mean, what's to know?

You hug them, you tell them you love them,

you make them feel like nothing

is ever gonna hurt them.

But it will.

Sure, you lie.

I don't believe in lying

to the people you love.

Lies pile up.

The truth is hard,

but that's all we've got.

You want some truth?

I think you'd be a good mom, too.

Yeah?

Besides, I've known you, what?

Almost a year now?

Yeah. Sounds about right.

That whole time, I've never once known you

to do anything half-assed.

Raising a kid seems like

a weird thing to start on.

Just some things are out of our control.

Yeah. For all of us. Isn't it great?

Could've told me.

You could have told me anything.

I would have listened.

I know.

Why didn't you tell me

about the postcards?

You lied to me.

All those times

when I asked you where Mom was

and you said you didn't know.

Those were for me.

She was reaching for me.

This place.

These walls.

These rooms.

All the love,

all the pain.

We stayed in it.

And we waited.

She knew exactly where we were.

Those words weren't for you.

They were for her.

And you gave her enough.

That wasn't for you to decide.

There's a difference between being left,

and being forgotten.

Picture yourself

in a vast endless forest.

Nothing and no one around.

Just the trees.

The Earth.

The wind.

The water.

Feel yourself alone in this place.

A living breathing part of it.

Drinking it in.

You are only your body.

You are only your breath.

Feel the landscape moving through you,

returning you to yourself.

And as you move through it,

you are also a part of it.

You are alive inside your body.

You are alive inside your breath.

You are blood.

You are bone.

You are flesh.

You are right where you belong.

You are home.

You are home.

You are home.

It's okay, Dad.

You're so tired.

It's okay to rest.

You should rest for a while.

It's okay to let go.

It's okay.

I'm here.

It's okay, Liv. It's okay.

I'm right here.

I promise.

Cars.

Cars!

It's nice here.

Peaceful.

Your mother loved nature.

I never made much time for it.

Maybe I should have.

She'd drag us on those hikes.

Do you remember?

And get in the car and drive for too long,

trench through some god-awful path

that was barely a path.

Trying to find some secret

something she'd heard about somewhere.

Both of us complaining the whole time.

And then we'd get there.

And she would always be right.

It was always beautiful.

And then we'd all go back home again.

I can feel her here, in all of this.

Maybe that's what she was doing

this whole time.

Looking for a place like this.

I hope she found it.

I thought

If I could find her

If I could look her in the eyes.

That's stupid.

None of it makes any sense.

It was a little impulsive,

I'll give you that.

But, then,

you've always been a little impulsive.

Can't imagine where you got that from.

Am I like her?

Yeah.

In your eyes,

in your smile.

But most of you

has nothing to do with her.

You know why you became a lawyer?

Because I like fighting.

Because you're like answers.

Order.

You didn't have much of that growing up.

You crave a world

that's black and white.

But the world's not interested

in what you want.

It's been chaos since before we got here.

And it'll be chaos after we're gone.

And if there's an order to any of this,

it's invisible to us.

So, what if you're like her?

You're also like me.

You stick around.

You're also like you.

Determined.

Make different choices.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with you, Liv.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You were just a little girl.

You're just a little lost.

That's all.

And tired.

Maybe you should rest a little while.

This looks like the perfect place

to do that.

I wonder if I would have been ready

to be a mom.

In my experience

it's not something you prepare for.

It's something you give over to.

You just jump in

and see where it takes you.

It's nice here.

I think I'll stay for a while.

Sometimes, there's no answers.

Sometimes, there's just goodbye.

I found a letter, it read ♪

Our existence has serious ♪

Side effects ♪

Turned on ♪

Turned on the television ♪

And it's telling me the world ♪

Is collapsing ♪

I think it's coming ♪

Oh, and it comes so fast ♪

I'm hearing whispers ♪

Of an infinite yes ♪

And I don't know why it is ♪

Our bodies are dead ♪

Why you look so sad ♪

And my therapist said ♪

We've evolved ♪

Through a series ♪

Of accidents ♪

There's been ♪

Talk of chemical imbalances ♪

Restless sense of detachment ♪

Nausea and or v*olence ♪

I think it's coming ♪

Oh, and it comes so fast ♪

I feel it coming ♪

I think it's real and significant ♪

I think I think ♪

I think a little too often ♪

That's what my therapist said ♪

We're alone in this wilderness ♪

Left to choke on the pills ♪

And to feed on the viruses ♪

I think it's coming

Oh, and it comes so ♪

Fast ♪