01x14 - Would You Wrather Have a Beard?

[bunniefuu]

Fred, can you please hand me the--


[noisy sipping]


Do you guys think we should cut back


the amount of "Would You Wrathers"
we do?


They are a lot of work.


[noisy sipping]


Remind us what you do, again?


You are funny. So good. So good.


Friendly reminder:
midterm exams are tomorrow.


Studying is the vitamin
that allows the mind to--


[both sipping noisily]


Guys.


Mom says she'll only take us
to Planet Splash


if we all get at least B averages.


Relax. We all want to go
to the water park, but studying can wait.


We have a very important show to do.


Fresh diaper is on.


Let's do this.


Come on, guys. Caleb Williger,
the cutest tuba player in school,


is going to Planet Splash
the very weekend Mom is taking us.


It's the perfect hangout opportunity.


And the plot of the saddest
romantic comedy ever made.


Just hit the books.
You two doofs better not blow this for me.


Hey, Wratherheads. Here we go.


Would you rather have to spend a day


dressed up like a giant baby?


Or, a day wearing...


tennis ball glasses?


Can you believe
Charlotte called us doofs?


She's got serious problems.


Grab your rattle, Ollie.
Looks like "baby" wins.


Shh. Keep it down.
I just got him to sleep.


[theme music playing]


Would you rather lose your phone


Or give up pizza for a month


Share your diary with the world


Or have to eat it for your lunch


Sing out of tune to your friends


Or trip and fall into your crush


Shave your head, paint it red


Or use your dog's toothbrush


We need a little Q and A


Come on, Wratherheads, play along


- Would you rather do this
- Would you rather do this


- Would you rather do that
- Would you rather do that


Don't matter what we do
We're doing it with you


I'd rather do that


Ask the world


- Would you rather do this
- Would you rather do this


- Or would you rather just dance
- Or would you rather just dance


No matter what we do
We're doing it with you


I'd rather do that


Ask the world!


Would you rather do that


Report cards are here.
Report cards are here!


Report cards are here!


Are the report cards here?


Here's yours.


And yours.


I've already practiced my cute scream-face


for when a camera
captures me and Caleb


zipping down the log ride.


So I better see B's on all of these.


What? Straight C's?


Kidding. All A's and B's.


But I enjoyed watching your eye twitch.


Cooper, you're up.


I cannot believe my vacation
relies on your brain.


Well, this brain's taking us
to Planet Splash.


All B's, baby.


Now, the only suspense left


is did I get honors or high honors.


[Charlotte laughs]


What? A D-minus in German?


Charlotte, nice try.


But we messed with you,
let's all stay in our lanes.


That's a B-minus average.


Wait. So you're not messing with us?


Charlotte, what have you done?


Who knows when Cooper
will ever get a B average again?


Our time was now.


Thank you, Cami.


Unless...


I love it when she says "unless."


We may still be able
to go on the trip


if certain adjustments are made
to Charlotte's report card.


No way. I'm not doing anything shady.


Charlotte, some
of the greatest people in history


had to sometimes step outside the law.


It's true. One of your heroes,
Albert Einstein,


dude robbed a bank.


No, he didn't.


Shh. The "B" students are talking.


Cooper.


Easy there, little fella.


I almost jumped out of my skin.


[grunting]


-You want your juice box?
-You're an angel.


I spent all morning untangling
my phone charger.


-Where's Cooper?
-Upstairs plotting some secret plan.


Can you believe I wasn't invited?


Yes.


I know, it's shocking.
They said I couldn't be trusted.


Said I have loose lips.
How crazy is that?


Not crazy.


Thank you.


Well, I need Cooper's help.


There's this kid at the rink
who's been really mean to me.


And you said you were gonna
have your big bro


come teach him some manners.


-How'd you know?
-I have a big brother.


It's something us little brothers do
from time to time.


That's why I need Coop.


No, you don't.
I'm happy to go down there


and scare that tiny scamp for you.




Are you sure you can?


Ollie, I can handle a kid.


I have what they call a boxer's physique.


Now, lift me off this couch.
My entire body's fallen asleep.


Okay. Here's your newly adjusted
report card. You're welcome.


Oh, did I forget to say, "thank you"


for sending me to jail?


No one did anything illegal.


We're just boosting your average


by adding a fake grade
from a fake class.


Congrats. You just got an "A"
in Psychology


from your fake teacher, Mr. McNickels.


How can I do this?


I am a former Clover Scout.


I swore an oath to uphold
the integrity of the clover.


I don't know what that means,
but I'm pretty sure I'm not doing it.


Charlotte, you're not actually
changing your grade.


All we're doing is hiding
the truth from Mom


so she'll take us to Planet Splash.


We're good people.


You just need to trust us, and stay calm.


[Jenna]
Hi, everyone. I'm home!


She's here. We're busted. Everybody hide!


[thudding]


-Oh, so, how was your day?
-[Cooper] Great.


-[Cami] Fantastic.
-Eeeee...


-Are you okay?
-Eeeee...


I think she's just excited
because today is grade day.


I get it.


Let's see if you guys earned
your water park weekend.


Ollie, any last words before I open this?


Just rip off the bandage.


And remember,
Ollie doesn't get letter grades,


so his marks don't count.


Yes, Ollie gets a progress report.


Although it annoys me how they always
cross out the word "progress" on his.


Everyone's a comedian.


"Ollie got his head stuck
in the hamster cage


two fewer times this term."


Up top, little man.


Cami.


Four A's and B.


I threw a last-minute
English quiz on purpose.


If you're perfect, people resent you.


But if you let them think you're human,
that's when you can control them.


Like puppets.


Okay...


Now, on to Cooper.


-All B's, seriously?
-We were all shocked!


Take that, Dr. "You should lower
your expectations for the boy" Tompkins.


Well done, son!


And now, on to the formalities.
Charlotte.


Oh. D-minus in German.


Eeeee...


That's why you're acting weird.


Honey, it's okay
to not always be perfect.


Oh, wow. Looks like even
with that D-minus,


Charlotte still got a B average.


Yes, she did! Good job, you guys.


Looks like we're all going
to Planet Splash!


-[cheering]
-Eeeee...


I didn't know
you were taking Psychology this year.


-New class. New teacher.
-His name is Mr. McNickels.


-He's very real.
-He's from England.


-He's very real.
-Well, I can't wait to meet him.


He's very-- Wait, what?


Parent-Teacher conferences are Friday.


[Jenna] You know, I majored
in Psychology in college.


I can't wait to "talk shop"
with this Mr. McNickels.


Great job, kiddos.


Did not see that coming.


[thudding]


Or that.


Mom thinks she's going
to meet a Mr. McNickels.


I really am going to prison.


Relax. Einstein went to jail,
and he turned out okay.


He didn't rob a bank.


Agree to disagree.


-Hey, you guys.
-Oop. I mean, "Hello, Mother."


So, I'm off to the store
to return these peaches.


I thought they were good, but it turns out


they're all rotten on the inside.


Please don't give up on them, Mama.


Maybe one day they could
turn things around


and become good peaches again.


Yeah... Not really how fruit works.


I know this isn't easy for you,


but we're not gonna let you down.


[door closes]


Charlotte!


Meet your new psych teacher,
"Mr. McNickels!"


Wha-- ?


At first I thought, we need to get
the best actor money can buy.


And then I said,
"But I don't have any money!"


So, meet Abel.


He's been the Stone Valley Mall Santa
for the last two years.


Can't argue with those credits.


Yes, we can.


The time has come for us
to fess up and beg for forgiveness.


Game over.


Look, Charlotte. Isn't it Mom who says


you should always do the right thing?


Yes, but that's not--


So how about you step up
and do the right thing here?


Hide the truth from Mom.


Don't give up. We got this.


Abel here, seems like a total pro.


[snoring]


-There's the kid, right there.
-[machine beeping]


What are you going to say to him?


I'll let my muscles do the talking.


Muscles?


The lighting is very bad in here.
Go sit over there.




Hey. Little man.


I got a message from Ollie Wrather.


You must be Cooper.


So what if I am? Hello, there.


So you're the guy who's gonna teach
my little brother some manners?


'Cause I've got a big problem with that.


I can see that you do.


Will you excuse me for just a wee sec?


Ollie, you never told me
the kid had a cute older sister


who also looks like
she could lift a bus.


Word is, she wrestled a bear once
at summer camp.


This would have all been good information
to know before right now.


So, what are you gonna do?


Nothing. I don't want to get b*at up.


You got two seconds, you bag of bones!


Hey, you're good with women.


Maybe you could talk to her
about her brother.


Look, the stories about me
being a ladies' man


may have been slightly made up...


by me.


But I did say I'd help you out
with this. Um...


Hey, look. I think you got the wrong idea.


I didn't come here to flaunt my muscles.


Bad lighting.


I came here to find a solution.


-What's your name?
-Neve.


Nice. I will "Neve" forget that.


Sorry, don't hurt me.


No, that was kind of, not horrible.


Really? Well, if you like that,


I've got a ton of not horrible jokes.


Maybe we could grab a slice
of pizza and talk this out?


I'm busy now.


But I guess I can meet
at the same time tomorrow.


Don't be late.


I've got a date.


So, you'll get her brother
to stop bothering me?


What? Yeah, whatever.
I'll bring that up on my date.


My date and I will discuss it
when we're on our date!


I should have left you on the couch.


Cami, sit with me.


You've probably been hearing
a lot of buzz about my love life.


Talk quickly.


If you and I are ever gonna be together,


then we need to know
we can somehow survive apart.


I'm in. Where do I sign?


Oh, you. Always with the jokes.


Be strong, gentle dove.


[sighs]


Oh, uh... hey, guys.
Um, so I have some bad news.


Our fake teacher is out.


Abel? What happened?


He can't speak.
He left his fake teeth on the bus.


Oh, man. It was the perfect plan.


I'm sorry, but I think
the mall Santa losing his teeth


is kind of a sign from the universe.


Charlotte's right.
What were we thinking?


We should get a younger McNickels.


Not where I was going.


-Who could we get at the last minute?
-No one.


-What about me?
-That's a thought.


A horrible one.


I was very good in that sixth grade play.


And I played a guy
with a British accent!


And I've got a girl who's a makeup wizard!


I'm talking facial hair,
prosthetics, shoe lifts!


Talking crazy! There's no way
Coop can pass for my teacher.


[pirate voice]
Argh! Thar's no problem, thar, matey!


Oh, wait. I was a pirate in that play.


Hey. Uh, all right. Mom walks in.


They, you know, chat for ten seconds,


then I will text McNickels
with an emergency,


and Coop gets out. Simple.


Well, I'm already going to prison.


What's one more charge?


Just work on your English accent.


[French accent]
But of course, mon cheri!


I'm just messin' with ya.


Unless that was good?


-Mom just got out of her car.
-Would you relax? We got this.


If we got this, why don't I see


my fake teacher anywhere?
Where's Cooper?


[British accent]
Why, I'm already here, luv.


Anyone fancy a spot of tea?


Whoa, Cami, your girl
actually did an amazing job.


[pirate voice]
Argh, you bet she did, matey!


[normal voice]
Darn, I went back into the pirate.


Um, I'll get it.


Remember, when Mom gets here,


keep it simple, wait for my text,


then get out.


[Jenna]
Hey, I'll see you at book club!


She's coming.
We'll be in the closet.


Hello?


Mr. McNickels?


-Jenna Wrather.
-[British accent] Jenna Wrather.


Charlotte's mum.


Good show! Good show!
Long live the queen!


We are so doomed. Send the text.


So, anyway,
Charlotte got an A in your class.


I'm very proud of her.


As well you should be.


Very bright girl. Pip pip, and all that.


I would never say this
in front of my other kids,


but Charlotte, she's always been
my little genius.


Well, I fancy all your children
have their own special talents.


Eh.


-[phone vibrating]
-Is someone calling you?




Oh, tosh, the loo in me flat is flooding.
I must dash.


Oh, okay. Before you go,


I insist you come to our house
for dinner tomorrow night.


You're new to town,
it's the least we can do.


Do not say yes to dinner,
do not say yes to dinner.


Come on. Don't make me call the principal
and order you to come.


[chuckles nervously]
Uh...


-What's he gonna do?
-I just texted him what to say.


Dinner sounds lovely.


And that wasn't it.


This is crazy.


Cooper and McNickels
can't be at the same dinner.


Why did you go along with this,
Charlotte? Why?


[sweetly]
Number , your order is ready.


Number !


[raspy voice]
Why?


Charlotte, we got you into this mess.


We're gonna get you out. Or we won't.


Either way, it's exciting.


Hey, Fred.


What's that smell?


That, my friend,
is the smell of romance,


and my toe fungus spray.


It's gonna be a magical evening.


If you say so.


By the way, thanks for being
my big bro on this.


Big bro? Oh, that's right.


How funny is that?
I need to tell Neve my real name.


She still thinks I'm Cooper.


What's the funny part, again?


Stop making me nervous.
Now I have sweaty hands.


Be right back.


Excuse me. Have you seen a guy
named Cooper Wrather?


Why are you asking?
Are you a cop?


No.


I'm asking because
we were supposed to meet up.


Oh, he hasn't been here all day,


but I know he has plans for tonight.


Really?


Well, if you see the slimeball,


tell him I don't appreciate
being blown off.


Let the magic begin.


Ah, whew! For a second
I thought I forgot my wallet.


Mr. McNickels will be here shortly.


I want everyone
on their best behavior.


No burping, spitting,


or removing your pants at the table.


What is he, the Pope?


You know what, Cooper?
You sure about that belt selection?


You're right.


This man's a guest in our home.
I can do better.


Hurry up.


Charlotte, you look pale.


Do I? That's weird. I feel... super...


Just super.


Oh, sh**t.


I think this lasagna
may need a little more cheese.


[panicked]
Mom! I...


I think the level of cheese is perfect!


On second thought,
knock yourself out.


I'm starting to remember
why we don't entertain more.


-[doorbell rings]
-That must be our guest!


-[British accent] Hello, Jenna.
-Why, hello. Come on in.


You know Charlotte.
This is Cami, and Ollie.


Please note, I'm wearing pants.


My, what a lovely home.


That I've never been in before.


Mom, why don't you sit here,


and, um, Mr. McNickels,


why don't you have a seat
way over there?


Brilliant! That's a British word.


Oh, fish and chips!
I forgot to lock me car.


Back in a jiff.


I like that guy.


Where is Cooper?
How long does it take to change a belt?


I bet you'll see him
in, like, five to ten seconds.


So, how you doing?
You doing good?


There you are. Get down here.


[timer dings]


-Lasagna's ready.
-No, Mom. You stay put.


-I got this.
-Cutting it can be tricky. I'll help.


No, you have to stay here, because...


Charlotte wants to show you
how well she can whistle.


-Right, Charlotte?
-Eee.


[awkward whistling]


Huh?


-[whistling continues]
-Huh?


[whistling continues]


I've never felt so alive!


I'm back, baby!


That's a weird thing to say.
But yay, who's hungry?


Cooper's just making us plates.


While we wait,
I'll pick out the dining music.


[ripping]


Ooh, anyone like jazz?


Peek-a-boo!
Where's Jenna? Where's Jenna?


There she is!




[awkward whistling]


Beware, everyone. I'm in a foul mood.


Fred, now's not a good time.


You know what's also not a good time?


Waiting for a girl who never shows up.


I need my friend right now.


Cooper!


He's gonna blow this!


I got this. Let's see,
if you'd like to wash up,


I'll show you
where the bathroom is.


[pirate voice]
That would be marvelous.


Did he just do a pirate voice?


[normal voice]
Listen up, Fred. It's me.


Sorry, I don't speak
to strange grown-ups, sir.


No, it's me. Cooper.


Cooper? What's going on?


[Jenna]
Cooper? You in here?


[normal voice]
Uh, yeah, Mom.


In here with Cami and Mr. McNickels!


[British accent]
Uh, 'ello, Jenna.


Uh, Coop and I are just showing
Mr. McNickels... Ollie's...


coin collection!


[Ollie]
I have a coin collection? Let me see!


[knocking on door]


[Jenna]
The door won't open.


[normal voice]
Uh, the lock must be stuck.


[British accent] Just give it a sec,
laddie, it'll un-stick.


[normal voice]
Wow, good advice, sir.


[British accent]
Thanks, mate.


Wow, what raw talent.
You sir, have a gift.


[Jenna]
I'm going to get the key. Hold tight.


Guys, we have one minute
'til Mom comes through that door,


and when she does,


she needs to see McNickels and Cooper!


[groaning]


-What happened?
-Uh...


One second he was
looking at coins.


Next thing you know,
he just walks into the wall.


Now he has a bloody nose.


The man could use some ice.


Hold on, I'll get some.


This beard is smelling.


I demand to be paid with two juice boxes.


[British accent]
Uh, thank you, Jenna,


but me nose still has a bangery-boo.


Tally-ho, and all that.


-Where's Cooper Wrather?
-[normal voice] I'm Cooper Wrather.


No, you're not.
I never agreed to pizza with you.


-Pizza with who, now?
-Pizza with the clown who blew me off.


Blew you off? You blew me off!


Wait. What?
Why do you have a beard?


People change.


Talk about it on your way home.


Mr. McNickels, I hope
your nose feels better.


I thought you were a nice guy.


I'm leaving.


Wait! I would "Neve" blow you off!


Her name is Neve so that was clever.


What is all this?


Mama, alas, we've both been tricked!


Save it, Peaches.


I was wondering how long you three
were gonna try and keep this up.


You knew? For how long?


You had me going up until I saw you.


You thought I wouldn't recognize
my own son?


But, my acting skills...


Stay in school.


So, you put us through days


of soul-crushing stress for no reason?


Oh, no, there was a reason. I wanted to.


And this is just phase one
of your punishment.


No water park, and now,
no phones for a month.


Oh, and this came the other day.


They made a mistake on your report card.


You did get an A in German.


[laughs]


[British accent]
Cheerio up. Pip, pip, and all that.


Okay, the Pope's gone. Let's eat.


I'm just glad it's over.
I was not made to break rules.


I don't know how you guys do it.


Eh, you get used to it.


I gotta say, it was kind of fun


having our big sister
on board for this one.


Not for me.


Okay, maybe a little.


Guys, what's more disturbing:


Ollie in a beard?


Or Fred on a date?


Two more lemonades, good sir.


[all]
Fred.


Whee!