04x20 - Mr. Sandman

[bunniefuu]

This is all Aunt Pat left you?
A box of junk?

This isn't junk.

These are things that belonged
to your great-great-grandfather.

Looks like a box of old tools.

It's turn-of-the-century
mining equipment.

Old, obsolete tools.

Just think, Lynn.
Someday all this will be yours.

Pass.

Come on. This is part
of our ancestral heritage.

You can't put a dollar value
on something like that.

I can. Two bucks.

My great-grandfather,
Silas Tanner

was a pioneer,
he was an adventurer.

The last four years of his life,
he prospected for gold.

Doesn't look like he was
very good at it.

You know, my great-uncle
Louie Louie was a prospector.

He started the Great Foam Rush
of aught eight.

- Foam?
- Yeah.

Our whole monetary system
was based on the foam standard.

Louie Louie became very stupid.

So it runs in the family.

Oh, ha, ha.

For your information,
on Melmac

"stupid" was slang
for someone who was rich.

I guess we'll never know
how stupid

my great-grandfather was.

He d*ed in 1897, and this is all
I have left of his legacy.

Look what I found
in the canteen.

What? Look. It's a map.

Uh.. There's an X on it.

It's a treasure map.

Gadzooks!
We're going to be stupid.

Well, according to this
old claim record

this must be a map
of Waucoba Canyon

that's in Death Valley.

Well, that must be
where the treasure is.

What makes you so sure
there's a treasure?

The X on the map.
That always means treasure.

Don't you watch cartoons?

Life doesn't imitate cartoons.

Well, other people's
lives don't.

But Kate, Lynn, look at this.

Silas has pinpointed
an exact location.

These are very
detailed directions

on how to get to a
very specific spot.

Willie, I think you're making
a little bit too much

out of this map.

Alright. Count her out.
We'll divide the gold four ways.

Unless we can get rid
of the kid.

You're not getting rid
of any kid

and there is no gold.

I don't think we should rule
that out entirely.

A-about the gold, I mean.

We gotta do this, Willie.

Now, I'll have to check my
calendar

but I'm pretty sure
I'm free next weekend.

Wait, wait, wait.
That's a three-day weekend.

We were supposed to go
to San Diego.

Okay. She's out too.
It's down to three.

Unless we can still get
rid of the kid.

What do you say?

The desert, it would be
a refreshing change of pace.

We've been to San Diego Zoo.
We've been to SeaWorld.

Yeah. We've seen the k*ller
whales three times

and they still haven't
k*lled anyone.

What a gyp.

What do you think, Kate?

Why would Silas go back to the
desert year after year

unless he had found something
valuable out there?

Well, if he did find
something valuable

why was he buried
in a piano crate?

Maybe he was fat.
Did you ever think of that?

I can't help it. I just...

It's like
I hear his spirit calling me

"Willie, go get it. Gold.
Give my life some worth."

Okay, Willie.

And-and with the money,
we'll buy a farm

and we'll build a baseball
diamond in our field of corn.

And maybe Shoeless Joe Jackson...

Alright. Alright.

But, look, wouldn't it be
educational for the kids?

Wouldn't it be getting in touch
with our ancestral roots?

What about it, kids?

I don't know, Dad.

I'd be more interested
if we had ancestors

in, oh, say, Aspen.

Look, if you and ALF really want
to go, then go

but I'm not gonna spend three
days in the desert with a baby.

You wouldn't have to. We could
book a cabin in the mountains.

They're close by.
And here's the kicker

you could have a weekend
without ALF.

Do they rent those cabins
by the month?

Was that a sh*t at me?
I wasn't paying attention.

Okay. Alright. It's a deal.

If you agree to spend

the last day of the trip
with me and the kids.

There's no need to waste
the entire weekend.

Two days would be fine.

Great. I'll order the dynamite.

♪ Oh my darling oh my darling ♪

♪ Oh my darling Clementine ♪

♪ You are lost
and gone forever ♪

♪ Dreadful sorry Clementine ♪♪

Willie, I don't feel right about

leaving you
at the end of this dead-end road

in the middle of this
godforsaken wilderness.

Don't ask me why.

We've got a tent, food, water.
We'll be fine.

You've also got an alien.

Trust me. I'm really
looking forward to this.

Imagine.
The area is virtually unchanged

since Silas Tanner
lived here over 90 years ago.

I love what he did
with the place.

Isn't it exciting?

Imagine, your great-grandfather

might have sat
right on that very rock.

Oh, you're gonna come back
with stories.

Listen, you guys.

Your great-great-grandfather
lived two miles

two miles...out there somewhere.

That's great, Dad.

Mom, does the hotel have a pool?

You guys better get going
before it gets any hotter.

It gets hotter?

- Bye. Bye, ALF.
- Hey. Wait up. Don't.

Are you sure
this is the right place?

According to the map,
we went through Dead Man's Gorge

we climbed up Dead Man's Bluff

we turned left
at Dead Man's Canyon

so by process of elimination

this has got to be
Dead Man's Rock.

What is it about this place
that gives me the creeps?

I'm exhausted.

ALF.

ALF, these canteens are empty.

What did you do with the water?

I drank it.

All of it?

What's the big deal?

You've got a whole desert out
here, for heaven's sake.

There's no water in the desert.

There's no water in the desert?

What was I thinking?

Ocean.

So you're saying this water
thing might be a problem?

Only if you consider
dying a problem.

Well, here's another fine mess
you've gotten us into.

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Save some for me.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe
you'd leave us stranded

here in the desert
without any water.

Oh, I thought we were past that.
I said I was sorry.

Would it help if I pounded my
thumb with a sharp rock?

Here you are.

Sorry. The moment has passed.

Just read me the map.
What does it say to do next?

Alright. It says to stand at
the center of the rock base..

'...face north
and go three paces..'

'...then turn and go
three paces east.'

Come on. Chop-chop.

- Now what?
- Well, that's it.

Whatever old Silas buried
is right there.

I'd be excited
if I weren't so hot

and queasy and dehydrated.

Don't let that spoil it for you.
Start digging.

I don't suppose
you'd like to dig

since I carried the backpacks

and you're retaining
most of the water.

Hey, hey,
he was your great-grandfather.

You mean to say you don't plan
on doing any work?

Alright, alright.
I'll tell you what.

I'll take every third shift.

Now just start digging.

You're not eating bugs, are you?

That would be disgusting,
Willie.

I'm merely sucking the moisture
out of them.

You want one?

- No. No.
- You sure?

They taste a lot better
than Kate's meatloaf

and you don't have to
drown them in ketchup.

Are you sure
this is the right spot?

Because I-I'm hitting nothing
but rocks here.

Of course I'm sure.

I'm more than sure.

Uh-oh.

I hope that was just a bug
that went down the wrong way.

Tell me what "uh-oh?"

Alright,
but first put down the shovel.

Tell me.

You know,
one day you're gonna laugh

about the time you dragged
yourself across the desert

and dug a hole
in the wrong place.

Again, I must insist
that you put down the shovel.

How could you make a mistake
like that?

Well, I had the map upside-down.

Should have gone
three paces south.

You mean to say I've been
digging for 45 minutes

and it's the wrong spot?

Look at the upside.
Now we have a latrine.

'Or better yet, a small grave.'

Alright. Relax.
Look, all you have to do

is move two paces to the right.

- Uh, left.
- Give me that.

Alright. That's quite enough.

Fine. Music hater.

Alright. Your turn.

Well, hold it.
This is a new hole.

We start the rotation
over again.

No, we haven't been through
rotation once yet.

I-I'm not digging anymore.

Willie, if Silas heard you now

he'd be spinning
in his piano crate.

If he wasn't so fat.

Listen, ALF,
if you want to dig, dig.

I'm through.

Oh, so that's your game, huh?

Work me to death and keep
the treasure to yourself.

You haven't done any work yet.

Well, I'm a drone alien,
not a worker alien.

Alright. Alright.

Just keep your hands
off my bugs.

I know exactly
how many there are.

I'll try to refrain.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- What now?
- I got a blister.

In five seconds?

Hey, I worked through the pain
as long as I could.

Oh, you haven't even tried.

Oh, I can't do it. I can't.

I'm hot, I'm thirsty

I'm a little bit country,
I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll.

ALF, you're hot.

Well, my last album
didn't go platinum

but Donny says not to worry.

No, I mean your temperature.

Of course, I should have
realized your fur

would retain all this heat.

Well, that's why you don't
find a lot of us in Miami Beach.

Look. It's over, pal.

Why don't you just
go sit in the tent?

Tomorrow evening, we'll,
we'll hike out of here.

Okay, but I need to use
the small grave first.

Turn around and hum.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Eric.

Hi, kids. How was your day?

It was fun. I went
horseback riding in the woods.

And I fed a chipmunk.

That's great. Pack your bags.
We're getting out of here.

Mom, they're gonna be okay.

Dad knows how to
take care of himself.

No, no. I haven't felt
good about this

ever since we dropped them off.

Something is wrong,
I just know it.

He's got ALF.

Pack later. Get in the car.

- Way to go, Brian.
- What'd I say?

Mom, it's what he wanted to do.

They're having fun.

They're on one of those
male-bonding things

that guys think are really cool.

Besides, we don't know
where they are

you can't take Eric
into the desert

and there's a frat party
in Cabin 12.

And besides,
maybe they'll find gold.

Well, alright.

I'll be happy if they just find
their way back to the road.

I'm sure they will.

If you need me,
I'll be in Cabin 12.

Me too.

A June bug for your thoughts.

Oh.

I was just marveling
at your ability

to start a four-alarm fire
in the desert.

Desert.

I was just trying
to summon help.

I saw a plane,
so I built a signal fire.

By the way,
thanks for putting me out.

You saw a vulture,
not an airplane.

That vulture could be bringing
us help as we speak.

Yeah. More vultures.

I think one of us
has an attitude problem.

Okay, so we don't have any food,
water or shelter.

But we still have air.

And each other.

Well, we have air.

Your point?

My point is I'm sorry and
I'd like to make it up to you.

I'll cook dinner.

What dinner?
The food went up with the tent!

While you were sulking

I gathered
some miniature desert lobsters.

Feast your eyes.

They're scorpions.

They were all born
in the same month?

What are the odds?

I should have walked to town
while I still had the strength.

No. We can't give up now.

We're too close
to finding the foam.

What are you talking about?

Oh, were you planning on leaving
me stranded out here to die?

Oh, ALF, I think
the heat's gotten to you.

You're starting to babble.

Au contraire.

Hey, could you go ask
the lifeguard

if it's safe to move closer
to the water?

ALF.

And I think that couple
from Ohio stole our cooler.

Brian, don't go out so far
without a life preserver.

Listen, ALF, tomorrow

I'm gonna build a
shelter of what's left

of our blankets
and sleeping bags

and-and you'll have some shade.

And then, uh, I'll walk
the 20 or so miles

to town to get some help. Okay?

I knew it. You're gonna let me
stay out here and die.

No. No. You-you'll be alright.
I promise you.

I'll come back for you and we'll
come back here another weekend.

Now I think we should..

I think we should try to get
some rest.

Okay, but ring the front desk

and leave a 6 o'clock
wake-up call.

Give up. Ha.

He must be mad.

Mad, I tell me, mad.

No one's gonna cheat me
out of my right

to someone else's legacy.

Hey, what's this?

Wooden planks!

Yes! Yes!
I found the treasure!

I'm, I'm going to be stupid!

ALF. ALF, where are you?

'Down here.'

What happened?

'I was looking for gold,
but all I found'

'was this ice-cold
Jacuzzi instead.'

'I'm drowning.
Get me out of here.'

I-I'll go tear one of the
sleeping bags into a rope.

I'll be right back.
Don't go away.

'I'll try not to wander off.'

'Just my luck,
I fall down a well'

'there's no townspeople around
to fight over the movie rights.'

I was worried about you.
I'm glad you're okay.

Couldn't be better.

I have just one question.

Your grandfather buried water.

Your question?

Well, he was an idiot, right?

Well, no. He probably buried it
to prevent anybody else

from finding and using it.

Oh, I'm sorry.
He was a selfish idiot.

Well, lucky for us, because
now we got drinking water.

Uh-oh.

Oh. Not again.

Afraid so.

I was down there a long time,
Willie.

You couldn't have drunk
all that water.

No. But I did drink
a lot of water.

A lot of water.

You didn't.

I wasn't known on Melmac
as the "whiz kid"

because of my
scholastic ability.

Luckily, once the coyotes
got one look at ALF

they marked him and ran away.

Hey, I got them back, didn't I?

Well, I'm just glad
I followed my instincts

and came to get you early.

- Ooh.
- Oh, honey.

So, Dad, are you sorry
Great-great-grandpa

turned out to be such a loser?

He wasn't a loser.

He covered up a well
to protect a piece of property

that served no
useful purpose whatsoever

and he felt it was important
to leave us that as his legacy.

- But he wasn't a loser, right?
- No, he wasn't.

He was a proud,
yet needlessly eccentric man.

I say let's just leave
this nightmare behind us.

Kate, why don't you..

Why don't you take the kids
and go on that nature hike?

- Well, are you sure, honey?
- We could stay, Dad.

No, I'll be fine.
Just-just leave me the ointment.

Hey, don't worry about Willie.
I'll take care of him.

Maybe a long hike's
just what I need.

- Aren't you in a lot of pain?
- I am. Let's go.

Well, I have nothing to do.

Guess I'll build a fire.