04x22 - Hungry Like the Wolf

[bunniefuu]

[Kate humming]

Honey?
Is something wrong?

I just got a chill,
as though something terrible

is about to happen.

It has to do with him.
I know it.

These premonitions are becoming
more frequent, aren't they?

Willie, Kate,
I have some disturbing news.

- I told you. Didn't I tell you?
- That's just a coincidence.

What disturbing news?

I am deeply concerned..

...about the amount of weight
I've put on recently.

Oh, is that all?

Well, you might find it
cute and adorable

but I'm afraid that genetically,
I'm destined to die

from the same fate
my grandparents d*ed from.

- And that is?
- Physical implosion.

So far, this has
all been good news.

I'll let that pass.

You see,
when Melmacians gain weight

our bodies become
denser and denser

until finally,
we just burst from inside.

You're saying that you only
gain weight internally?

Yeah. It's a primitive
survival thing

to ensure our clothes
always fit.

Nature does have a way of taking
care of the important things.

That is the most ludicrous thing
you have ever said.

Well you wouldn't find humor
in it if you had to wet vac

your grandparents
off the carpet.

[theme music]

(woman on TV)
'and one and two
and one and two and breathe.'

'Okay, once again, inhale.'

'And exhale.'

'Ready?'

'And up and back
and up and back.'

- What are you doing?
- Exercising.

This is the sixth time
I've watched this tape today.

I can't wait to weigh myself.

ALF, that's crazy.

You can't lose weight just
by watching a workout tape.

Come on. Get up.

I'll show you
a couple of exercises.

Okay, but I feel it only fair
to warn you I just ate.

[grunting]

- I ate a lot.
- I'll give you a hand.

Let me, let me get my feet
in a better position here.

Uh, use your legs, Willie.
Bend from the knees.

[grunting]

What's going on out here?

It's not what you think.

I'm trying to get ALF
up on his feet.

You know, he is heavier
than he looks.

Yes, but I'm still
a perfect size seven.

Whoa! This is not embarrassing
at all.

ALF, if you're really serious
about losing weight

you're gonna have to start
exercising regularly

and eating less.

How about if I just gave up
eating your cooking?

Oh, forget it. If he wants
to pork out, let him burst.

- He doesn't care.
- I do. Oh, I'm just weak.

I have no willpower, Will.

I'm too young to implode.

All I need is a little help.

Would you help me?
Please help me.

Alright. You heard him.

Starting immediately, you're
going on a supervised diet.

You're gonna be limited
to 1500 calories a day.

No problem.

Now, just out of curiosity

how many calories are there
in a double cheeseburger

large fries and chocolate shake?

Eleven, what, twelve?

I'd say probably 2100.

[gasps]

I'm in big trouble.

I'll diet tomorrow.

- Roast smells good, mom.
- Great. Here you go, ALF.

- What's this?
- Supper.

It's a joke, right?

It's a watercress salad.
It's on your diet.

Well, let's just take it off.

Try it. I know it's tough, but
nobody wants to see you implode.

Well, practically nobody.

Where's the dressing?

I squeezed lemon juice on it
for you.

Oh, for a minute there,
I was worried

it might be dry and tasteless.

When you finish that you can
have some nice white rice

and skinless broiled chicken.

Oh, great. And maybe for dessert
I can have a ball of wax.

Brian, ass-pe the eat-me
and otatoes-pe.

Dad, you speak French.
What did he say?

He said he wants seconds
on his salad.

Look, I'm grateful for the help

but Melmacians can't
crash diet like this.

Sure they can.
All it takes is willpower.

That's not what I mean.

We have to lose weight
very, very slowly

over a period of time.

Say, 13 years.

- Nice try.
- It's true.

Crash dieting can cause
an imbalance

in my enzyme system.

I could be subject
to a chemical reaction

that might make me revert back
to my primal instincts.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
don't eat the damn salad.

I'm serious.

ALF, you pleaded with us
to help you lose weight.

Now, if you think
I can be conned

into letting you off the hook

because of some
ridiculous story like that

well, I'm a bigger fool
than you are.

Well, in that case,
pass the gravy, fool.

Okay, but I'm telling you

it's gonna get weird.

[mumbling]

Ooh. Ah.

Bacon grease.

[sniffs]

Soup's on.

Oh! Uh.. Uh..

[snoring]

Don't wake the sleepwalker.

Very dangerous.

Very dangerous.

You should be ashamed.

Don't yell at the sleepwalker.

Very humiliating.

Very humiliating.

ALF, is that a cockroach
on your shoulder?

Aah! Where? Where?
Get it off! Get it off!

I mean where am I?

Who am I?
It's, it's all so confusing.

Well, goodnight.

Ah! Feet back, spread them.

Hey, hey, am I the only one here

with a salami
in his trench coat?

This has been going on for,
for days.

We're doing this for your,
for your own good.

Don't you remember?

Don't you remember
how you begged us to help you?

Willie, I'm not kidding.

I need food. Real food.

I can feel
my primitive instincts

starting to kick in.

[howls]

Who said that?

Why do you insist on making
an opera out of everything?

Part of my boyish charm,
I suppose.

[growls]

So where was I?

You were saying something
about your boyish charm

then you "grrr'd" at Willie.

[gasps]

Oh, no. I "grrr'd?"

It's happening already.

Once it starts,
I'm afraid I'll have to hunt

and k*ll fresh meat
to replace my enzymes.

- Goodnight, ALF.
- Happy hunting.

Fine. Don't believe me.

I'm going to need a loincloth.

Hurry up, Bri,
you're gonna be late for school.

Melon and rice cake,
120 calories.

We're not all eating that,
are we?

To answer your question, Bri,
no, it's just for ALF.

Is he handling his diet
any better?

Better?
No, I wouldn't say better.

You should have seen the stunt
he tried to pull last night.

Poor guy, this really
isn't very easy for him.

Yesterday I caught him licking
all the empty trashcans

and he offered me $5
not to tell any..

Oops.

[ALF yelling]

[ALF yelling]

ALF! You know better than
to yell outside

in the yard like that.

Whoa. Who you call ALF,
pale skin? Me Wolf.

Primitive Melmacian
hunting machine.

Pretty butch, huh?

[howls]

There's another thing
you're not good at.

Oh. Guess Wolf need to get
knack of hunting thing.

But got the look down. Yes?

Dad, why is ALF acting this way?

[chuckles]
It's an elaborate
and annoying ploy

to get us to let him off
his diet.

It seems to work on both levels.

We're supposed to think
that ALF...

Wolf.

Name Bambi already taken.

Wolf no match
for Disney legal department.

Look, Wolf, knock it off!

He wants us to believe

that business about his enzymes
becoming unbalanced

and that causing his
primal instincts to kick in.

Silence!

Wolf hear squirrel in distance.

Brian, start hibachi.

Here to good friend
Tonight kind of special

- ALF...
- Wolf.

Wolf.

Come on in the house,
you've made your point.

No good,
Wolf must trap and hunt own food

before get too weak
and become food.

Well, I don't really have time
for this.

Thankfully,
I have to go to work.

You're not leaving me alone
with Wolf, are you?

No, no, let me call the office
and say I won't be in today

because my alien's diet
has made him a warrior hunter.

Silence, suburban ones.

You scare prey
from hunting ground.

See if you can get him
to eat something.

I'll try to get home early.

I'll stay home with you, Mom.

Take your time.

[growling]

Any new developments
since I called?

Nothing.
He slept most of the day.

And refused to eat anything
he didn't hunt down himself.

We even tried attaching a string
to a Pop-Tart

pulling it across the lawn

hoping he'd pounce on it
and k*ll it.

Pretty pathetic.

So he hasn't eaten anything
for two days.

His only catch
was a garden snail.

He let it go because he didn't
have any garlic and butter.

Wolf said he might be primitive,
but he isn't a barbarian.

Honey, I'm frightened.

Yeah. Every time we go
into the backyard

he throws a stick at us.

What are we gonna do?

Why do you automatically assume

that I have the answers
for these questions?

Should have read those
Smithsonian magazines

you got me for Christmas.

[ALF howls]

[tires screeches]

Oh, my Lord! Wolf just
drove off with our car.

It's over.
He could be anywhere now.

He could be half way
to Las Vegas by now.

Shouldn't we keep looking
for him?

Oh, honey, we've been all
up and down this neighborhood.

Well, still,
we can't just give up.

I don't know
what else we can do.

We can't very well
scour the entire city.

And we can't very well
call the police

and tell them
there's a three-foot alien

driving around in an '82 Ford
looking for fresh meat.

Still, he's driving
without a license

and I don't think
our insurance will cover us.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Yes, this is Willie Tanner.

Is there a problem, officer?

Yes, that's our car.

Did you happen to find
anything unusual in it?

I-I think you'd know
what I mean.

How it got there?

Why, is there something wrong

with the way my wife
parked my car?

Well, you know women drivers.
Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Thank you,
we'll take care of it.

Yes, we will.

Oh, yes.

Goodbye.

- Was there any sign of ALF?
- No.

It seems Wolf is
running around loose

somewhere in Griffith Park.

Griffith Park?

Honey, that park can be
very dangerous at this hour.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

I think I'll wait till morning.

No, I mean dangerous to ALF.

Oh. Of course you did.

How silly of me to think of
myself just this once.

Honey, do you want me
to go with you?

No, no, no.
It's my own personal hell.

I might as well enjoy it.

Ah.

ALF?

Wolf?

ALF.

- Ah!
- Ah!

Don't you know better than to
sneak up on someone like that?

What if I had a guest over?

Excuse me,
I wasn't expecting anyone.

- Hey, I live here.
- I'm sorry.

- Got a cigarette?
- No, I'm afraid I don't smoke.

Good for you. Smoking's bad.

Wish I could give them up,
but I'm under a lot of pressure.

Say, uh, you haven't seen
anything strange

or odd around here lately,
have you?

Lately? Hm.

Someone did throw a stick at me
earlier.

I think it was that little guy
from Fantasy Island.

What a way to end up.

He must be very bitter.

You didn't see which way
he went, did you?

Hey, it's not my business.

I try not to get involved.

Hey, so, what's your story?

When did life turn against you?

[chuckles]

Four years ago, September.

Listen, I, uh,
I really have to go.

Oh, sure. Sure.

Hey, if you bump into
the little guy, be careful.

He's really got a temper.

[ALF howling]

Ah. Say your prayers, Frenchie.

[ALF howls]

ALF.. Uh, Wolf.

Oh. Big game.

Wolf have block party tonight.

B-Y-O-B.

What were you about to do
to this little toy poodle?

It no toy. It real.

Oh, ALF, this is just
someone's runaway dog.

Now listen, Wolf, listen to me.

Will you stop that?

Wolf too tired to hear
whiny man talk.

Must consume food.

Listen, listen,
I'm sorry I doubted you.

I want you to come home now.
Come home with me.

I'll give you all the food
you need.

No. Must eat toy dog.

ALF? Wolf? Whatever.

Look at me.

Don't you recognize me?

Ah. Yes.

You Zog, the timid hunter.

I told you stay in cave,
finish bison mural.

But no.

It's me, Willie.

Don't you remember?

Lynn? Brian? Eric? Kate?

[yells]

Name bring fear.

Not know why.

(Willie)
Alright. Now.

Look at this, look, look.
This is candy.

[growling]

Yes! Candy. Come on.

This could make you better.

This could make you
a lot better.

Take it. Please. Eat it. Eat.

Eat it for me, for Willie.

- Zog.
- Zog.

What heck.

Wolf k*ll better on sugar high.

Use Twinkie defense.

[growling]

No! No! Wait! Wolf?
Wolf, where are you going?

Wolf! Wolf!

(male #1)
'Uh, excuse me.'

Look, I know you're new here

but it's not really a good idea

to be yelling "Wolf"
after 10 o'clock.

Some of us have to get up early.

I'm sorry.
It was very inconsiderate of me.

A hut.

Hey, you work fast.

I've been here seven years.
Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, it's just something
I slapped together.

I see you've got yourself
a guard dog, too.

A hut and a dog.
The American dream.

I see things are really
coming together for you.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, oh, boy,
I guess I'll turn in now.

Oh, I understand.
First night in a new hut.

[chuckles]

Ah, he'll be talking to himself
in a week.

Shut up, what do you know?

ALF, come on, come out of there.

Oh, look. Dog.

Stand back.

Why? I just want to pet him.

He's such
a cute little puppy dog.

You're back.

You're no longer
the brave, pathetic

feeble, primitive warrior.

Hey, you're no prize.

Wait a minute. Where am I?

Ah. You finally did it,
didn't you?

You drove me to the woods
and dropped me off.

But why did you
dress me like this?

Was it just to humiliate me?
Huh?

We'll talk later.

Actually, I kind of like it.

Kate's gonna wanna borrow
this outfit, I just know it.

I wish she'd stay
out of my closet.

Would you talk to her?

- Thanks again for finding her.
- Oh, no problem.

We were just glad
we were able to return her

before anything life-shattering
could happen.

[dog barking]

Don't, don't,
don't open the door.

Kate, did you know that
bacon grease

mixed with butterscotch syrup

makes a delightful marinade?

I'll add that to my recipe file.

It would be a shame
to disturb the cobwebs.

I take it this is the end
of the hideous four-day diet?

Absolutely.
I've got this eating thing down.

In fact, I'm thinking
about writing a diet book.

ALF's Fat for Life Diet.

Could be a big seller
in the Bavarian countries.

Nice try, pal

but most of the weight you lost

in the last two days
was water weight.

Oh, ha-ha.

You know, I should have
eaten you when I had the chance.

[grumbles]

[theme music]

Ah-ha-ha-ha!