04x11 - To Watch a Thief

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Huh, huh?

Lovely, isn't it?

It sure is.

$70, huh?

Yes, and that includes the tax.

Well, okay,

but I'll have to
come back for it.

I-I don't have all the
money with me right now.

All right.

Uh, don't worry,
I won't be long.

70 bucks?

That's a pretty
expensive present.

Look, I've known
Bunny a lot of years.

I can't be chintzy
on her birthday.

Besides, I got a lot of class,
Boyle, and a lot of pride.

And no money. Eh, don't worry.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Easier said than done.

As long as I got buddies,
I can always borrow.

All I got to do is... Hey,
here comes Haskall.

I'll bet you he'll come
up with what I need.

Hiya, Haskall, old buddy.

Not a penny, Vince, not a penny.

Ah, who needs him?

I got lots of friends on this
base, Boyle, lots of friends.

What kind of friend are you?

Look, Slotnik, last month
when you needed 20 bucks,

I gave it to you
just like that...

No questions asked,
no strings attached.

I gave it to you out of
the goodness of my heart

and now when I... huh?

Same to you, fella.

Look, if you're so
desperate for money,

why don't you dig into
your savings account?

What savings account?

You mean to tell me
that after all these years

you don't have
something put away?

Eh, I got a lot of
expenses, Boyle,

like taking care of my mother,
paying off her mortgage.

Just last month, I bought
her a new septic t*nk.

Yeah, Pyle, what do you want?

Excuse me, Sergeant, I
don't mean to interrupt you,

but you assigned me to extra
cleaning duties, remember?

Oh.

Well, okay, get on it.

Hey, we still
haven't tried Hacker.

Hacker? You're kidding.

Uh, get me Sergeant
Hacker, he's in the mess hall.

I know we don't get
along, but I can handle him.

All it takes is a
little smooth talk.

Charlie?

Vince.

How are things down
at the mess hall, buddy?

Hello, hello?

Strike three and you're out.

But this watch is something
I got to get for Bunny.

It's the perfect
birthday present.

Excuse me, Sergeant,

did you say it was
Miss Bunny's birthday?

Yeah, today.

Well, ain't that nice?

Be sure and wish her

many happy returns
of the day for me.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, Sarge, i-if you don't have
the money to buy her a watch,

why don't you give her
some flowers or something?

It's really the
thought that counts.

No, Boyle, with me
it's first class or nothing.

Sergeant Carter?

Pyle, I thought you were
supposed to be cleaning up.

I'm sorry, Sergeant, but I
couldn't help overhearing you.

Did you say you
don't have any money

to buy Miss Bunny
a birthday present?

Yeah, but it
doesn't concern you.

Well, I can lend
you what you need.

Pyle, what's the
matter with you?

You've been in the Marine
Corps long enough to know

that a noncom can't borrow
money from anybody of a lower rank.

I could be court-martialed.

That's right, I forgot.

It's a shame, though, because I
got some money I could lend you.

Yeah, well, forget it.

I could go over right now
and get it out of my savings.

I said forget it.

Yes, sir.

I've even got some
cash on me this minute.

It ain't much, but
it might help out.

Pyle.

I know, it's
against regulations.

Sergeant, what if I was

to accidentally leave
the money on your desk

and you was to
accidentally find it?

Pyle, stop it!

Yes, sir.

How much money
you talking about?

No, no, forget it, forget it!

Well, I guess you'll just
have to forget about the watch.

Yeah.

Man, I tell you,

I can understand what happens
when you pick up a paper

and read about one of
them crimes of passion.

A guy can get so
desperate for something

that all of a sudden something
in his brain snaps and pow!

You can't get what you want
one way, so you try another.

You know what you're doing
is wrong, but you do it anyway.

Pyle, you're supposed
to be working.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

Oh, hello, Sergeant.

Hi.

I'm back, just like I said.

Good.

Uh, I'm afraid I wasn't able to
come up with the whole $70.

Oh, that's all right.

You can purchase this
on our layaway plan...

$14 down, you got six
months to pay off the balance.

Uh, well, I got a counteroffer.

How about nothing down?

Come on, now, Sergeant.

Just until payday, and then
I'll give you the whole thing.

No six months to pay.

Well, we have to have

some sort of down
payment as a binder.

Even a dollar would do it.

You mean for a dollar
down, I can take it with me?

Well, no, but we'd
put it aside for you.

But I got to have it tonight.

I'll pay you the whole
thing in a few days.

Come on.

It's my girlfriend's birthday.

Well... Please.

Well, it's highly
irregular, Sergeant,

and I shouldn't be doing this.

Ah... you're a peach.

That's a dollar, huh?

Uh-huh.

Can you lend me seven cents?

Sergeant, if you'll just
sign this payment receipt

and fill in your outfit and
commanding officer's name...

Yes, ma'am.

Shall I gift wrap this for you?

Huh?

Oh, no, no, I'll
take it just like it is.

I'm going to give
it to my girlfriend

during dinner tonight.

I'm going to hide it in
her salad, romantic-like.

Oh... that sounds very nice.

I mean, you did say that's a
stainless steel case, didn't you?

Roquefort dressing won't
corrode it or anything?

Oh, no, no, I think
it'll be just fine.

Oh, fine ain't the word for it.

It's going to be
beautiful, just beautiful.

And thanks a million.

Uh-huh.

Company B, Sergeant Carter.

Oh, yes, sir, Major.

The supply requisitions?

Yes, sir, I'll bring
them right over.

I'm sorry, Sergeant,

but I got to do this
for your own good.

Thank you.

Uh, Company B, Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter, uh, this is
Miss Johnson down at the PX.

Uh, I-I sold you a
watch this morning.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

What can I do for you?

Well, apparently
you were so excited

about your girl's birthday,

you walked away
without your watch.

Huh? I did what?

That's right, Sergeant.

You must have
left it on the counter.

But that can't be.

Are you sure?

Are you sure it's the little
square one with the gold band?

Uh-huh, and the inset diamonds.

I'm sure it's your
watch, Sergeant.

It's the only one
we have like it.

Just a minute,
wait just a minute.

Uh, Miss Johnson,
that's my watch, all right.

Well, don't worry
about it, Sergeant.

I'll hold it for you.

Yes, ma'am, you do that.

I'll be right down.

He's done it again.

Good morning,
Private, may I help you?

No, ma'am. Uh, thank you, ma'am.

I was just looking.

Thank you anyways.

Sergeant Carter?

Corporal Boyle?

Company B, Sergeant Carter.

Oh, hi, Bunny.

What?

Well, like I said, 7:00.

Is that okay?

Eh... no, no, no hints.

You're going to have to
wait till dinner to find out,

and tonight we're going
to celebrate in style.

We ain't going to drink no
birthday toast with just beer.

Tonight we're going all the
way... a bottle of muscatel.

Okay, see you later, baby doll.

Bye.

Bunny's just dying to
know what the present is.

Wait till you see it, Boyle,
it'll knock your eyes out.

It's got real
diamonds on the fa...

Okay, Boyle, what is this?

Some kind of gag or something?

What are you talking about?

I just came in, remember?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Boy, if this don't
b*at everything.

It's gone!

Just like that, just
like it had legs.

Company B, Sergeant Carter.

Hello, Sergeant.

You did it again.

Your watch.

I found it right
where you left it.

But that's impossible.

Are you sure?

Maybe some new ones
came in when you were out.

Look, Sergeant, I don't know if
you're playing games with me,

but this is definitely
the watch I sold you.

We won't have another
one in like it for a month.

Well, how about that?

Then I take it you do
want the watch, after all?

Oh, yeah, yeah, are you kidding?

I'll be right down,

and this time I'll
guard it with my life.

Bye.

Boyle, look at me.

Do I look normal to you?

Not just my face but
the way I've been acting,

the way I've been talking?

What's going on, Sarge?

Oh, I'll tell you later.

Right now I'm
gonna get the watch.

I'll be right back.

Company B, Corporal Boyle.

Oh, yes, sir, he's here.

It's the chaplain. He
wants to talk to you.

The chaplain?

Wonder what he wants.

Yes, sir, Chaplain,
this is Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter, how are you?

Well, good, good.

Look, I wonder if you could
do me a rather big favor.

Well, sure, Chaplain, if I can.

Of course, you understand

I spend most of my
Sundays off the base.

You can relax, Sergeant.
For once, it has nothing to do

with trying to get you to
attend one of my services.

Oh. Oh!

Actually, I'd like to see you

in my office right away
if you can arrange it.

Something's come up,

and I'd like to
talk to you about it.

Uh, yes, sir.

Say in about five minutes, sir?

Fine, sir.

See you then.

What does he want?

Who knows?

One of our ugly ducklings
got himself a little problem,

I guess, and the chaplain just
wants to see the mother hen?

Want me to pick up
that watch for you?

Oh, no. As soon as I'm through

with the chaplain,
I'll get it myself.

Hey, Sarge!

Maybe while you're
with the chaplain,

he can take the
curse off the watch.

You're sure now that
you saw him taking it?

I'm just sick about Sergeant
Carter carrying on like this.

You're absolutely certain now?

You're sure that it
wasn't someone else

who took the watch?

Oh, no, sir.

It was him, all right.

I seen him just as
clear as day both times.

And each time I seen him,
all I could say was, "Holy cow!"

I mean, just plain "cow," sir.

Still, it's hard to believe
that he'd actually stoop to...

Well, you and I know that
Sergeant Carter is no thief.

Of course he ain't.

Something must be driving him.

I heard him say how
desperate he was.

Well, I have no reason
to doubt you, Gomer.

I've never known you to lie.

And I sure never would

when it comes to
Sergeant Carter.

I only want to help him.

Very well.

Just leave it to me.

Sir, if you don't
mind a suggestion,

a little inspiration
from the Good Book

always goes a long
way in cases like this.

Thank you.

You might try Chapter
Five of Matthew, verse 13.

"You are the salt of the earth.

But if salt loses its strength,
how can it be made salt again?"

Yes, well, thanks
for the suggestion.

Or maybe Chapter Six of Matthew.

"The eye is the
lamp of the body.

"If your eye is sound, then
your whole body will be light,

but if your eye is unsound,
then your body will be dark."

Yes. Well, I know
that one, also.

And that sure ought to ring
a bell with Sergeant Carter,

seeing as how he
got in this whole mess

when his eye fell on that watch.

Thank you. Well, I think
you can rest assured

that I'll find the right words
when the time comes.

Another real good one is
Luke, Chapter Eight, verse 17.

"Nothing is secret that
shall not be made manifest."

Yes.

Or John, Chapter
Eight, verse 32.

"The truth shall make you free."

Thank you.

You know what'd really be good?

Revelation Six...

Now, as you're well aware,
man is an imperfect animal,

and because he's imperfect,
he must be constantly on guard

against being tempted
down the wrong path.

Do you understand what
I'm getting at, Sergeant?

Yes, sir. Oh, yes, sir.

Under certain
stress and tension,

we're apt to do things

which normally we
would never do at all.

Of course, that doesn't mean
we're beyond redemption.

Oh, of course not, sir.

A person who is
basically good can be sure

that the people around him,

the people who
admire and respect him,

will forgive and forget.

You mean you want
to make a withdrawal?

Yes, ma'am.

Private Gomer Pyle. Mm-hmm.

I don't mean to be
prying, but what is this for?

Ma'am?

Well, you know, we hate

to have any of our boys
withdraw a single dime

unless they have
a very good reason.

You know what they
say about a penny saved.

Yes, ma'am, I know,
but this is important.

I need it for a friend
who's in real trouble.

I see. Well, that's very loyal.

However, I do
feel that it's my duty

to tell you that you're going
to lose a whole lot of interest.

Please, ma'am,
I'm in a real big rush.

All right.

It's certainly your decision.

20, 40, 60, 70.

Are you sure you wouldn't
like to discuss this matter

with Mr. Glick, our
branch manager?

No, ma'am.

As the Good Book says,

"You are the salt of the earth.

"But if the salt
loses its strength,

how can it be made salt again?"

Well, I see you're back again.

Yes, ma'am, and I
know just what I want.

Well, good.

That ladies watch right there...

The square one with
the little diamonds in it.

Oh, yes, that's a lovely watch.

You're gonna make
somebody very happy with this.

Well, I sure hope so, and
here's your $70, ma'am.

You don't even have to wrap it.

I'll take it just like it is.
And thank you, ma'am.

Or Luke, Chapter Eight.

"Nothing is secret that
shall not be made manifest."

You're right, sir.

Ah! Then you do see the wisdom?

Oh, sure.

It's as clear as a bell.

Is, uh, that all, sir?

Yes, yes, I think so.

Well, I'm certainly glad

we didn't have to
get into the specifics

of this little matter.

Oh, me, too, sir.

Thank you for
coming by, Sergeant.

Oh, well, it was
all my pleasure, sir.

And thank you for calling me.

What was that all about?

Yes, Sergeant, may I help you?

Uh, well, I'm... I'm not sure.

Is Miss Johnson here?

No, I'm sorry.
She went to lunch.

Oh. Well, she must
have put it aside for me.

Put what aside?

A watch for a Sergeant Carter.

That's me. I bought
it this morning.

No, I don't think so.

At least, Miss Johnson
didn't mention it

to me. But she called me.

She distinctly said it was here!

I left it on the counter!

I'm sorry. I know there's
nothing in the back,

unless maybe it's
in the case here.

No. No.

N-Never mind!

Never mind. Just
forget it! Forget it.

I know she called me.
I know she called me.

I wouldn't imagine her calling.

I brought the watch back
here, and I put it in the drawer.

Then the major calls
me, so I went over

to the major's
office. Hey, Sarge.

I came back here, then
Miss Johnson called.

She said that...
Something wrong?

Huh? Oh, never mind.

Just tell me where
are the aspirin.

Mm, in your top drawer, I think.

Okay. Now leave me in
peace, just leave me in peace!

Sergeant Carter?

What is this?

A watch.

Are you sure?

I mean, I'm not
just seeing things?

It does have two little hands
and goes tick-tock, tick-tock?

How about feet?

Maybe it has
teeny little feet, too,

so it can keep finding
its way back from the PX.

Company B. Corporal Boyle.

Oh, yes, ma'am,
just a second, please.

It's Miss Johnson
again over at the PX.

Ten to one she's
calling to tell you

that she called
before by mistake.

It was someone else's
watch all the time.

I'd sure like to think so.

This is Sergeant
Carter speaking.

Oh, Sergeant, I am so
sorry about what happened!

Oh. Yeah?

Well, we all make mistakes.

Well, it was all my fault.

Oh, well, you don't
have to apologize.

Well, you see, when I went
to lunch, I forgot completely

about putting your
watch aside for you.

My watch?

Yes. I-I just found out

that Mrs. Healy... she's
our other sales clerk...

Sold it to someone
else while I was gone.

Well, you can't
imagine how badly I felt

when I came back and she told me

that a Sergeant Carter was
in asking about his watch.

M-My watch?

She sold my watch
to somebody else?!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sergeant.

You just don't know how I feel.

Especially since
there's no possible way

of getting it back.

Naturally, we'll... we'll
return your deposit.

Uh, Miss Johnson, listen to me.

Stay right where you are.

I'll be right there.

Now what?

I'm going over to the PX

and get this whole
thing straightened out

before somebody comes
here and throws a net over me.

Sergeant Carter! Not
now, Pyle! Not now.

Where is Sergeant Carter
going in such a hurry?

To the PX.

The PX! With the watch?

Yeah. What do you know about it?

Well, he don't have to.

Sergeant Carter!

Sergeant Carter?

Pyle, what do you want?!

Well, Sergeant, I wasn't
going to say anything,

but now I guess
I'm going to have to.

You don't have to
return that watch.

Huh?

I'm glad you was going to.

Am I ever glad.

But you don't have
to return it now,

on account of it's paid for.

What are you talking about?

It's paid for, and
my heart is light,

and that's all I'm gonna say.

Oh, no, it ain't.

You're gonna say a lot
more, Pyle! A lot more!

Please don't make me
say any more, Sergeant.

You won't have to.

Maybe the lady can tell me.

Ma'am, have you ever
seen this guy before?

That's him. That's the
one I sold the watch to.

I knew it!

I knew it had to be
something crazy!

Why, Pyle, why?

Why did you come in here
and buy this watch, huh?

Well, Sergeant,

I really don't know
how to say this.

Pyle!

Well, I knew how
desperate you was,

and I just didn't want to
see you get into any trouble.

Huh?

That's right.

I just couldn't stand
idly by, and watch you...

I just couldn't stand idly
by and watch you steal it.

What?!

The watch, Sergeant.

You didn't see me,
but this morning,

I saw you when you put
it in your pocket, and well,

that's the reason that I
took it out of your drawer,

and I snuck it back
on the counter like this.

Pyle! Pyle!

I know, Sergeant.

I know what you're gonna say.

I had no right spying
on you like that.

But, well, I did it for your
own sake, I really did.

I knew you'd
thank me for it later.

You know, it's like it
says in the Good Book...

"You are the salt of the earth."

That's Matthew, Chapter Five.

Salt of the ear... The chaplain!

You're the one that had
the chaplain call me?!

Well, I didn't have anybody
else I could turn to, Sergeant.

You're not angry
with me, are you?

Pyle, you knucklehead,
I didn't steal that watch.

I bought it. Do you
hear? I bought it!

You did?!

Well, glory be!

Now my heart's
lighter than ever!

Why, Sergeant, I
should have known

that you never would
have done anything like that.

Ladies, I just can't tell you

how happy I feel
right this minute,

'cause you know who
just walked out that door?

The salt of the earth.

I don't know why I
could ever think...

The watch! The watch!
Where's the watch?!

I'm really sorry, Sergeant.

I should have known you
never would take anything

that didn't belong to you.

Pyle, from now on,
do me a favor, will you?

Don't do me any more favors.

I don't blame you for
being mad. I'm not mad.

I'm just a little
surprised at you.

Would I ever steal
anything, Pyle?

Would I?

Well, anyway, forget it.

All I want to do right now is
get this watch over to Bunny's

before anything else happens.

You sure you got it now?

Oh, don't worry, I got it.

Yeah.

Well, how in the world
did you get two watches?

I don't know.

I must have picked this one
up when I went back for Bunny's.

I better get it back right away.

Don't tell the chaplain!

Whatever you do,
don't tell the chaplain!