05x30 - Goodbye Camp Henderson, Hello Sergeant Carter

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.". Aired: September 25, 1964, to May 2, 1969.*
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Comedy about Mayberry native Gomer Pyle joins the U.S. Marine Corps and is stationed at Camp Henderson, Calif., reporting to drill sergeant Vince Carter.
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05x30 - Goodbye Camp Henderson, Hello Sergeant Carter

Post by bunniefuu »

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Ah.

Gomer, what are you
doing? What's going on?

Oh, my goodness! The
sergeant's not with you, is he?

No, but he'll be
back in a little while.

What is this?

Well, I'll have to keep
working while I explain.

You see, I knew you two
were gonna be at headquarters

at a meeting all morning,
so I thought I'd sneak in here

and finish up this paint
job before you got back.

Why, Gomer? Why
are you doing this?

It's our anniversary.

Huh?

Me and the sergeant...
It's our anniversary.

Exactly five years ago today,

at 11:00 o'clock, I
met Sergeant Carter,

and at 11:05, he called me a
knucklehead for the first time.

'Course that was just to
make me a better Marine.

Well, what's all the painting?

Well, this is my
anniversary present to him.

I thought he'd
appreciate a paint job

a lot more than
a gift from the PX.

I was gonna get him a
book, but he's already got one.

You explain that to the sarge

when he walks in here
and takes one sniff. Huh.

Him and his sensitive smeller.

Well, paint's a real
nice smell, Duke.

It's one of my favorites,

next to gasoline and
new tennis shoes.

Okay, well, finish up and get
out of here before he gets back.

Well, I'm almost
through now, Duke,

but I would like to stick around

and see the look on
Sergeant Carter's face.

He gets a look on his
face when he's surprised.

His eyes get real beady,

and his teeth
stick out real big.

He looks just like
a happy beaver.

Well, don't count
on it too much.

This paint job may not be
just what he's always wanted.

Oh, I know the sergeant, Duke.

He knows a gift from the
heart when he sees one.

He'll say something
real nice, you just watch.

(sniffing)

What stinks?

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Huh?

From me to you, Sergeant.

A paint job done entirely by me

to help celebrate five years
of our association together

in the United
States Marine Corps.

Happy anniversary, and may
it help to brighten your days.

Who asked you?

Huh?

Who asked you, Pyle?

Who asked you to come in
here, stinking up the place?

But I was...

Did you get an
authorization for this?

No. Of course not.

You know the only time
I let them come in here

and paint is when
I'm away on leave.

That's because I can't
stand the smell of the stuff!

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

You're sorry.

Everything here is gonna
smell like paint for days.

I'm gonna have to go over
to Bunny's with a paint breath,

and you are sorry?

I'll see about getting
these things out of here.

Good.

Sergeant!

Pyle, I don't want any
conversation with you.

I just want you and your
paint buckets out of here.

I want them out of here now!

But there's something I ought
to tell you, Sergeant. It's...

Out, Pyle! Slater,
is there any coffee?

Yeah, Sarge. You want some?

No. I'll get it myself.

What is this?

Well, that was what I was
gonna tell you, Sergeant.

I just shellacked your chair.

Huh?!

PYLE: I was gonna
put a wet paint sign

on all the things
that were still wet,

but I never did
get around to it.

(quietly sighs)

Slater!

(grunts)

(fabric tearing)

(grunts)

Out! But Sergeant...
Get out of here, Pyle!

Get out of here and
get out of here fast!

Do you hear me, Pyle?

You have never been
anything but trouble to me

since the first day
I laid eyes on you.

You're like a thorn in my side.

I don't know from
one day to the next

what stupid lamebrain
stunt you're gonna pull.

Now get out of here.

And get out of this office.

Get out of my life!

Once and for all, get out!

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Hi, Sarge. Hello, Slater.

What's new up at
headquarters, anything?

Not much except that you may
have established a new record

when it comes to transfers.

Huh? What are you talking about?

The transfer for Pyle.

It was like you
rubbed a magic lamp.

One minute he's bugging
you, and the next minute,

he's practically on his way

across the country
to Camp Lajeune.

Don't make jokes, Slater.

You know, people can get
heart att*cks from jokes like that.

Did you ever read about the guy

that was told in a joke that
he won the sweepstakes?

It was too much for
him. He dropped d*ad.

So don't fool around.

I'm not kidding,
Sarge. Here it is.

Hmm?

It's true. It's really true.

How did you manage it so
fast? Did you talk to the colonel?

What colonel? I
didn't talk to anybody.

This is the first
I've heard of it.

Well, then, how did it happen?

I don't know, but
let's get inside fast.

Huh?

I don't think the men should
see their sergeant laughing

and crying at the
same time. Hmm?

(laughing)

Don't touch it!

I don't want anything
to happen to it.

Sergeant Persky, please.

Oh, Bill? Uh, this is Vince.

Say, I'm calling about this
transfer for Gomer Pyle.

Do you know anything about it?

I see.

Okeydokey, Billy boy.

(laughing)

Huh? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's because it's Friday.

I'm always happy on Fridays.

(laughing): See you, buddy.

What did he say?

Huh? He don't know.

It just came from
the colonel's office.

Sarge, I know this may
be a dumb question,

but are you really
and truly that glad

to be getting rid of Gomer?

Let me say yes to
both them remarks.

Yes, it is a dumb question.

Yes, I am really
and truly that glad

to be getting rid of him.

Are you kidding, Slater?

Do you have any idea

how many times
over the last five years

I should have gotten
rid of Pyle and didn't?

Any idea at all?

Well, I know he's
fouled up at times.

CARTER: Fouled up?!

He's a one-man disaster area.

Take for example the time
we were on sea maneuvers.

Do you remember
how we were supposed

to board that rubber raft to
make a landing on the beach?

Sure, I remember,
Sarge. I was there.

No, you don't remember too good.

I'll refresh your memory.

We were on our way
down the cargo netting.

All we had to do was
to board that rubber raft

and row for the beach.

Easy does it, boys.

Well, what are you doing, Pyle?

Just looking for a place to sit.

Well, find it and sit.

Yes, sir.

All right, get the oars out.

(rubber squeaking)

What are you doing now, Pyle?

I was gonna put my
bayonet on the r*fle.

I want to be ready
when we h*t the beach.

There's plenty of
time for that later.

Put it back.

Yes, sir.

(air hissing)

(laughter)

MAN: Hey, these people.

Hey, be careful.
Those things got

points on them.

Didn't they tell you about that?

Hey, watch out. It gets
a little deep around there.

Watch out for the
sharks, Sergeant!

Sergeant, I did want to
tell you how sorry I am,

and I am sorry, but it
was the funniest thing

the way that bayonet
just stuck into that raft.

Yeah, wasn't it, though?

Look how I'm still laughing.

Well, I can't blame you one
bit for being angry, no, sir.

Will you knock it off,
Pyle, and start changing?

I don't want to hear no more
about that bayonet or that raft.

Now get changed!

Right, Sergeant.

Boy, Sergeant, you know,

that water sure
is salty, ain't it?

Change! Change!

CARTER: Pyle, get
your foot off my head!

Whatever you do, Pyle,
don't touch that bayonet.

Just leave it alone!

Oh, don't worry, Sergeant.

There ain't a
chance in the world

of that happening again.

You see, I put my
bayonet over here

by my flair g*n, and it'd be...

(g*n f*ring, air
hissing, water gurgling)

(laughter)

MAN: Hey, that's my amm*nit*on!

You're not supposed
to use that, Sergeant.

Hey, we're running
out of boats, fellas!

(laughter)

I knew it might be a bit of a
problem making it to the beach,

but I didn't think there'd be
so much trouble getting started.

I'm sorry, sir.

You're losing precious time.

How fast can we
get another boat?

Just a few minutes, sir.

I trust this will be the
last boat necessary.

Don't worry, sir.
We'll make it this time.

Let's hope so. Aye, sir.

Let's get below!

All right, get another boat

from the starboard
side on the double.

Yeah, once again. Let's go.

Well, I'm sure glad

I didn't take a shower
this morning, aren't you?

I sure am sorry,
Sergeant, but I had no idea

that that safety
was off, and I just...

I'll get you for this, Pyle.

If if takes the rest of my
days, I'll get you for this.

But I didn't do them
things on purpose.

I was just trying
to... Don't talk, Pyle.

I don't want to hear your voice!

Yes, Sergeant. (water dripping)

I said I didn't want
to hear your voice.

Just-just change. Change.

Yes, Sergeant.

I said, don't talk, change.

Sergeant, Grandma
Pyle used to always say,

"To err is human,
to forgive divine."

So if you'll just forgive
me this time, I'll...

Oh, I'll forgive you all right.

Do you want to know how?

You see this shirt?

Well, that's you.

Well, come on, let's go.

Gomer isn't here yet, Sarge.

I said, let's go.

Move! Move! Move! Move!

Come on, move it!

All right, start rowing.

But Sergeant, aren't we
gonna wait for Gomer?

I can't hear a
word you're saying.

Hey, Sergeant, wait for me.

Row! Row! Row! Row!

Row! Row!

Did you see that, fellas?

(laughter) Right...
right into the boat!

Where did I fail?

Where did I fail?!

Where?

Huh?

Do you remember that?

Why I didn't get rid
of him then and there,

I'll never know.

Get me the colonel's office.

Am I glad to get rid of him?

Slater, this is like
a dream come true.

You wait... Hello.
Sergeant Denoff?

This is Sergeant Carter here.

Say, I'm calling about this
transfer for Gomer Pyle.

Would you happen to
know where it originated?

Oh. I didn't know that.

I see.

Thanks, Denoff.

SLATER: Where did it come from?

Huh?

The transfer... Where
did it come from?

It was an urgent request
from the chaplain's office.

It was sent to the colonel,
and he approved it.

The chaplain's office? How
come it came from there?

Because it came from Pyle.

Pyle made the urgent request.

Sarge, you know why I think

Gomer put in for a transfer?

I mean, after all, you've
yelled at him before.

I don't know, Slater,
and I don't care.

I think maybe it was
because this was

such a special day for him.

You know how sentimental he is,

like a kid wanting to
surprise his old man.

Yeah, well, I sure ain't
gonna worry about it.

He wants to go,

let him go... The
sooner the better.

But, Sarge, the way he
felt about you personally.

You were always the main reason

he wanted to stay in
this platoon; what else?

The way he felt
about me personally?

You want to hear about the times

he loused me up
my personal life, too?

You remember how he
took care my car that time

I went up to San Francisco to
bring back that AWOL Marine?

Yeah, I remember. Yeah.

I left him in charge of
my car, and it was stolen

right out from under
his stupid nose.

I remember, Sarge. Do you
remember what happened

when he finally
found it? I remember.

Then I'll tell ya.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it!

This is it!

This is the car!

This is Sergeant Carter's car.

Hallelujah.

And it's perfect,
it's just perfect.

I can't believe it. You're
a lucky man, Pyle.

And all because of you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Duke! I gotta call Duke.

Phone booth over there.

Hello? Camp Henderson?

I'd like to speak to Private
First Class Duke Slater

in B Company, please.

It's an emergency.

Ya-hoo!

Hello, Duke?

It's me, Gomer. Guess what.

Right, we found the car.

Uh-huh. Yeah, just this minute.

It's way out here at
the far end of town.

And guess what, Duke?

There ain't a scratch on it.

Ain't that something?

There ain't the teeniest
little scratch on it.

(thunderous crash)

Huh? Do you remember
that little incident?

I should've thrown him
out right then and there.

But you didn't.

No, I didn't, Slater,
and I'm sorry.

But now he's going and I'm glad.

So knock it off, Slater.

That's the end of the story.

Well, it really
isn't, Sarge. Huh?

Well, there's another
part to the story

and you just...

well, maybe you forgot about it,

but in all fairness to Gomer,

you can't just forget about it.

What, Slater? Forget
what? Well, take the story

about the sea maneuvers.

I know Gomer goofed real bad
and ruined three rubber rafts,

but don't you remember how he
came through for you in the end?

What? While we were out

on submarine patrol,

and Gomer swam all
the way out to our raft

just to be part
of the operation.

DUKE: Don't you
remember how foggy it was?

Did you enjoy your
little swim out here?

Sure did.

You think you can
make it back all right?

Easy.

Well, just swim
back to the ship.

Huh? Pyle, there's an enemy

sub somewhere in this vicinity,

probably staring at
us at this very minute.

Now, you're a jinx,
so get out of this boat.

Out, out! But, Sergeant I was...

Sergeant, look!

That's the signal.
We gotta get started.

Out, Pyle, out, out, out!

But, Sergeant, I'm not a jinx.

Honest I'm not,
and I'll make good

if you just give me the chance.

Out, out, out, out, out, out,

out-out-out-out-out-
out-out-out-out!

Seems a lot colder
than it did the first time.

Start swimming, you'll warm up.

Any sign of Gomer, Sergeant?

What? Can you spot
Gomer anywhere?

That's not what I'm looking for.

I'm looking for a submarine.

(head bangs on periscope)

Say...

Sergeant!

PYLE: Sergeant,
look what I found!

Pyle! Turn this thing about.

I can't see anything, sir?

It suddenly blacked out.

That's impossible.

Pyle!

Sergeant Carter,
this thing was sticking

right up out of the
water. What'd I do?

What do I do? It's a periscope.

He's landed on a periscope.

Hang on, Pyle. Hang on!

It's the submarine!
It's right under you!

Golly! I went and
captured us a submarine.

Well, how about that, Sarge?

So what? It was just one of them

lucky breaks that
only happens to fools.

Well, maybe so, but the fact is,

it did happen, Gomer
was responsible for it

and you got a commendation
for the whole thing.

It was a lucky
break, a lucky break.

Okay, but how about
the incident with the car?

I guess that was a
lucky break, too? Huh?

I'm sorry, Sarge,
but you left out

the rest of that story, too.

You only remember how
your car got smashed up.

But thanks to Gomer,
there was a happy ending.

Don't you remember?

You came back with
your AWOL Marine,

and there was Gomer
waiting to meet you.

Hey, Sergeant. Hello, Pyle.

How was your trip?

Where's my car?

Hey, Franklin. Do you
remember me, Gomer Pyle?

'Course you might've forgotten,
you haven't been around

too much lately,
but welcome home.

He's not a w*r hero,
Pyle, he was AWOL.

Now, where's my
car? Where is it?

Well, it's right over there.

Where? I don't see my car.

I know, that's what
I've got to explain.

Maybe I'd better
start at the beginning.

I don't care where
you start, just start.

Where's my car?

Well, you see, right
after you left yesterday,

I went back to get your
car, but I didn't really

go back to your car, because
when I went back to your car,

your car wasn't there.

What are you trying to tell me?

What is it? Where
is my car, huh?

Well, your car was stolen.

"Stolen"?!

My car was... Wait!

See, I left the keys in it,

but then I went
right to the police.

Pyle, where is my
car?! Where is it?!

Well, like I say,
it's right over there.

And you know where they
found it? They found it?

They sure did. It's
parked right on the street.

Right near where they was
tearing this building down.

There wasn't a scratch on it.

And then this big,
steel ball fell on it

and just smashed
your car to smithereens.

My car?

But the owner of the
construction company

felt so bad about it,
he wanted you to have

this new 1966 car
with his complements.

So like I said,
there's your car.

Free? Just like that?

Then you ain't kidding?

This is really my car?

For keeps.

Don't touch it, Pyle.

Oh, boy. What a stroke of luck.

What a stroke of luck!

What are you trying
to prove, Slater?

Well, nothing, Sarge.

Just that there's two
sides to every story.

Just like there's two
sides to Gomer, I guess.

The part that fouls up

and the part that
makes up for it.

(knocking)

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Am I interrupting something?

What do you want, Pyle?

Well, excuse me, Duke.

Sure, Gomer.

I might be leaving
this afternoon,

and I wanted to
give you something

before I, I went away.

Huh?

It's, it's an old rabbit's foot

with a two-and-a-half-
dollar gold piece

attached to it.

I got it a long time ago
from Grandma Pyle.

Well, it's always
meant a whole lot to me,

and I'd like you to have it,

kind of as a going-away present.

Well, that's very
nice of you, Pyle.

But look, the person going
away doesn't give presents.

I know it, but I'd still
like you to have it.

No, Pyle.

I couldn't take something
that means that much to you.

Please take it, Sergeant.

Maybe it'll help you to have
some nicer memories of me and...

it'll bring you good luck and...

that's what I'd like you
to have is good luck.

Bye, Sergeant.

Bye, Duke.

Well, I'll see you.

Would you be sure and tell
the other fellas I said good-bye?

Sure. Bye, Gomer.

Oh, and would you tell
whoever gets this bunk,

if they'll put the pillow
way over to the side

and kind of up on the bar,

they can look out and
see the Big Dipper.

Would you tell him that?

Yeah, sure, Gomer.

We'll tell him.

Well, so long.

Oh, Gomer, you're
still here. Good.

Yeah, I was just leaving, Duke.

I was on my way
over to transportation.

No, they want you
up at headquarters.

Headquarters? Why?

I don't know, but you'd
better get up there right away.

Sergeant Carter?

What's the matter, Pyle?

Sergeant, I just came
from headquarters,

and I don't know what
could have happened,

but something's gone
wrong with my transfer.

What do you mean?

Well, I was supposed to ship
out today, and they just told me

over at headquarters that my
transfer had been rescinded.

What?

Uh-huh. And I just
wanted to tell you

that I didn't do
nothing to stop it.

I couldn't have
even if I'd wanted to.

So what do you reckon
happened, Sergeant?

I don't know, Pyle, but
I'll tell you one thing,

I'm sure gonna find out.

Would you mind calling them up?

'Cause I'd kind of
like to know, too.

Oh, don't worry,
Pyle, I'm gonna call.

You go back to the
barracks, and I'll let you know.

I'll call all right!

Yes, sir.

What do you suppose
happened, Sarge?

How should I know?!

I ain't in personnel.

You gonna call
headquarters and find out?

Yeah, I'll call.

You want me to call
for you and find out

who canceled the transfer?

Slater, I said I'd call!

I'll call for you, Sarge.

Slater, put that phone
down and shut up, will ya?

I said, shut up, Slater!

Hey, Sergeant Carter.

Hello, Pyle.

I'm shellacking your
chair over again.

But this time, you
notice I'm doing it outside

so you won't be
bothered by the smell.

Good, good.

It's funny how you don't like

the smell of shellac.

It's such a nice smell.

Yeah, well, I guess I got a
little sensitivity in my nose.

You see, I got a
deviated septum.

You have?

Well, you'd never
know it to look at you.

Yeah, well, I got one.

Sergeant, I want to tell
you how very glad I am

to be staying on in the platoon.

Good.

I never did want to leave it.

Okay.

But I'd rather leave it than
cause you any unhappiness.

You know that,
don't you, Sergeant?

Yeah, Pyle.

So I want to make you
a promise, Sergeant,

and I'm gonna do
my best to live up to it.

What's that?

I'm gonna try harder than ever

to do the right thing
and never give you

any reason to be
disappointed in me.

Yeah?

I promise.

Give me your hand on that, Pyle,

and I'll know you
really mean it.

Well, I'd like to,
Sergeant... Come on!

(chuckles)

Okay, Pyle, let go of my hand.

Well, I can't Sergeant.

That's what I
wanted to tell you.

I've got shellac all over it.
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