08x11 - My Mother, My Chaperone/The Present/The Death and Life of Sir Albert Demerest/Welcome Aboard: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's
sweetest reward.

Let it flow, it
floats back to you.

The love boat soon will
making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure.

Your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

[Music playing]

Heaven garden is beautiful.

There's so much going on.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

I'm just doing some
research on British food

for the new chapter.

What did Pam's mother serve
you for dinner last night?

Steak and kidney pie.

First time I ever had it.

It was delicious.

You certainly have
inherited my literary genes.

I'd say you'd be a
fiction writer as well.

[Laughing] What do you mean?

I could play cat
and mouse with you

and ask all about your lovely
evening with your friend.

But I have too much
respect for you.

More than you have for me.

Pam phoned last night.

Well, speak up.

Or is your heart so
cluttered by love

that you can't utter a sound?

Mother--

you lied to me.

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

You look positively
pleased with yourself.

Now why would you want to
squander your first time

on a fly-by-night romance?

It's not like that.

Roger and I love each other.

Darling, they all love
us for about minutes,

and then where are they?

What good was my making every
mistake in the book, and--

[chuckling] In all of my books.

You can't learn from them.

Roger's different.

You just have to
get to know him.

I know everything there
is to know about him.

You know everything about
everything, don't you, mother?

Samantha, come back here.

Samantha.

Samantha!

You're fired.

Mm, my fingers are all sticky.

Mm, well, I'll
take care of that.

Ah.

You're just tasting fish
and chips, you know.

Oh, no.

I'm tasting Judy.

We did make beautiful
love together, you know.

Yes, we did.

Then we had to
face the mornings.

It would be nice to face
another morning with you.

[Music playing]

Doc: Sightseeing on the
thames is great, isn't it?

Well, this is a
very famous river.

Dad, did you know that
Richard the lionhearted,

Oliver cromwell, and Elizabeth
I all sailed on this very river?

I didn't know that.

Well, it's a little
before my time.

I think I'm going to
take a picture over here.

Ok.
Tell me.

You were alone with
him in the hotel room?

Well, but not for very long.

Well, tell me everything.

Tell me the horrible truth.

He didn't do nothing.

He probably didn't
have enough time.

He was expecting
me to come back.

Maybe you should have
hired someone sexier.

Take my word for it.

You'll do.

He's been telling
me I'm paranoid.

But if I can get
the goods on him,

I'll leave this marriage
with a clear conscience.

Well, I'll give it me all.

I know what you're
doing, Monika.

So just leave me alone.

Stop trying to tempt me
with those long legs and

that fabulous body of yours.

It just won't work.

Oh, ace.

I-- I'm sorry.

I didn't--
- it's all right.

I thought it was--

it's all right.

Listen, uh-- thanks
for noticing my legs.

[Music playing]

Hmm.

Has it been years?

They've been good to you.

Thank you.

You haven't changed.

Oh, certainly
not for the better.

But time must take its toll.

Life has been somewhat
lonely lately.

My wife d*ed three years ago.

Yes, I know.

I read it in the paper.

I'm sorry.

Well, it wasn't the
romance of the century,

but she was a good person.

You would have liked her.

I know I would have.

I always wished
you all happiness.

I should never
have let you go.

Oh, waiter.

Two sherries, please.

Medium or dry?

Dry.

Yeah, two dries, then.

[Chuckling]

I've seen everything
you've done on the screen.

Have you, my fan?

You are so--

so believable up there.

No.

Acting's a mad business.

You invest your emotions in so
many people who aren't really

you, and you're concerned
with so many things

that you've never really done.

You use yourself up
in a writer's fantasy,

and then there's nothing
left for your own reality.

So you begin to
invent emotions which

you may never be able to feel.

And then in time, you begin to
realize that everything you do

is an act.

But I was never acting with you.

No, I don't think I
was acting with you.

I don't think you were acting.

Ah, but I'm a very good actor.

[Chuckling] But I
never got married.

Maud, what have I done?

More than you know, Albert.

Mm.

That was good.

And it was a very,
very nice evening.

Well, now it's
time for beddy-bye.

In your own beddy-bye.

Judy.

When are we going to
stop playing games?

Maybe that was our problem.

I never understood our
relationship was a game.

Judy.

John, I will see you tomorrow.

Right now, i'm
going to go in there

and take a nice, long bath, ok?

Sure.

Good night.

I'll show myself out.

Thank you.

[Soft knocking on door]

Good evening, sir.

I got some parcels for a miss
Judy McCoy from the print shop.

Right.

I'll take those.

Here.

For you.

Right-o, sir.

[Music playing]

Taxi!

Taxi!

Lenny!

Oh, Lenny!

Lenny!

Monika, you get away from me.

Oh, but Lenny, there's so many
things I haven't shown you yet.

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm afraid of.

Now you get away and stay away.

Right.

Well, if that's what you want.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

What happened?

Ow.

I've twisted my ankle.

Well, I'll get
the ship's doctor.

Uh--
- oh, no, no, no.

I'll be fine.

Well then, I'll take you home.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's too far.

Ow!

Well, come on.

I'll take you to the hotel.

It's just a few
minutes from here.

And as if that
wasn't stupid enough,

I actually fired Samantha.

And you know how hard it is
nowadays to get good help.

Not to mention good daughters.

[Chuckling] Yeah.

Well, I suppose you have much
the same problems with Vicki.

I mean, not knowing how much
freedom to give or how much

protection.

You offer them everything and
be grateful for what they take.

Well, she wants me to have
dinner with her and Roger

tomorrow night.

I refused.

Do you think I'm being stubborn?

Do you?

You think I should?

Know your enemy.

All right.

I'll meet him.

But he's going to meet me, too.

[Chuckling]

Maud: Oh, this
brings back memories.

The concerts at the Albert
hall, this memorial.

Yes.

Queen Victoria's eternal
tribute to her love.

Do you want to hear a silly
young girl's confessions?

years ago, I
dreamed of the memorial

I would put up for you.

I'd rather it was
a little more simple.

[Laughing]

[Chuckling] No, maud.

This is splendid.

But haven't you
got things to do?

Oh.

Please, Albert.

Ask me to stay.

For a while, anyway.

I've nothing to
offer you, maud.

I have something to offer you.

Yes.

A rejuvenating
force, your youth.

And your youth.

Hmm, nice looking chap.

Who is he?

He's your son.

[Music playing]

Oh, Lenny.

Oh.

Ow.

Oh, thank you.

[Panting]
[Door bangs]

Ow.

[Panting]

Oh.

Oh, please.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my foot still hurts.

Could you rub it for me, please?

Rub it?

Mm-hmm.

[Sighing loudly]

Oh.

Oh, that feels good.

Just a little bit higher.

Higher?

Higher.

Oh.
- Huh.

Oh.

Huh.

Huh.

What's-- what's the matter?

Uh-- [clearing throat]
I'm, uh--

hy-- hyperventilating.

It's-- [breathing loudly]

Maybe you'd better lie down.

Huh.

[Grunting]

Wait a minute.

When we both came in here, one
of us was carrying the other.

And now we're both walking.

Imagine that.

It must have been your magic
fingers that did the trick.

Let me thank you.

[Sputtering] No.

No.

Oh, but Lenny, darling.

It would be so exciting
for both of us.

[Laughing nervously]
Now, look.

I may be some kind of
a square, but the truth

is I've never been with another
woman in all the years Kathy

and I have been married.

Not that I haven't
looked, or wanted to.

But I haven't done anything,
and I'm not going to start now.

What?

John: You heard.

Now, will you please leave?

You know something, len?

You're an all right bloke.

[Door closes]

[Music playing]

Gopher: I hope you have plenty
of film in your camera, ace.

This is windsor castle.

Ace: Don't worry.
[Camera shutter clicks]

I brought plenty.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Isaac: So this is
the home of queen

Elizabeth and the royal family?

Well, actually,
it's her second home.

Yeah, it's just like having
a little place in the mountains

for the weekend.

Some weekend.

It says here that
windsor is the largest

inhabited castle in the world.

Yeah?

Hmm.

I wonder if they have room
for three more inhabitants?

Let's go ask.

Oh, I'll lead this time.

Ok.

[Chuckling]

[Inaudible]

- Hello, captain.
- Oh, hello.

Nice to see you.

Hello.

May I have a word
with you, Ms. McCoy?

Excuse us, Mr. Neary.

I've been expecting you
to do requisition forms.

What seems to be the delay?

Well, captain, I haven't
received them from the printers

yet.

I contacted the printer.

He said they were
completed and delivered.

Sir, I didn't get them.

Captain: Ms. McCoy, I realize
you volunteered for the job.

It's not part of your duties.

But once you took it over,
you should see it through.

I'm sorry, sir.

Maud: You haven't
even asked his name.

It's Byron.

Very poetic.

[Chuckling] He
wants to be an actor.

Looking forward to meeting you.

It's not possible.

But he's your son.

Yeah.

How long is it?

, years?

It's too late.

I couldn't handle it.

Try to understand, Albert.

He's as stunned as you are.

I mean, it's natural that he
would want to meet his father.

He admires you so much.

He doesn't admire me.

He admires a man on the screen--

a man that doesn't exist.

Never did exist.

What's he going to see
when he looks at me?

He'll see what I see, Albert.

Albert: You still see
what you once saw.

A man you thought you knew
when you were young and naive.

A man who told you that he
loved you and immediately

went and married somebody else.

An actor.

I loved you, Albert.

I had Byron because I
loved you and because I

knew that you loved me.

Well, facts have proved
otherwise, haven't they?

No.

Take the boy and
go home, my dear.

What am I going to tell him?

Tell him not to be an actor.

[Music playing]

I appreciate you
coming, Mrs. Marlow.

I know this must be difficult.

Do you indeed?

Is this, um-- situation
familiar to you?

Mother, you agreed to meet
Roger for dinner, not have him.

It's all right.

I understand why you're angry.

What I am, the word
"anger" barely touches.

Samantha is very
precious to you.

That I can understand.

She's very precious to me, too.

Lilly: Well, you may succeed
in seducing my daughter,

but [chuckling] you won't
have any luck with me.

Why are you grinning
this impudent grin?

I just realized the girl
you wrote about in "shipboard

romance" was you.

Wha-- [laughing]

It was my talent which
made you think so.

But the feelings the girl
had were purely fictional.

I don't think so.

You act so cynical, but you're
the biggest romantic of us all.

Oh, well.

Why don't you give a seminar?

No.

No, what I'd like to
do is marry Samantha.

What?

[Laughing]

You don't have to give
me an answer right now.

Lilly: No.

No.

Now, young man, this
joke has gone far enough.

Oh, it's no joke, Ms. Marlowe.

In fact, being with you is
what's helped me decide.

Being with me?

Now I can see how
Samantha's going to turn out.

Oh.

Oh.

[Chuckling] Watch out
for that one, Samantha.

He has a tongue
like your father.

[Giggling]

Mama.

[Kissing]

[Music playing]

Monika: Len!

Oh, hold up a minute.

Now Monika, don't
start up again.

Oh, not to worry.

I didn't realize how strongly
you felt about your wife.

You're safe.
- Thanks.

Hey.

What'd you buy?

Oh, just a little
something for Kathy.

Diamond earrings.

From the burlington arcade?

Musta cost a fortune.

What's , pounds
when you love somebody?

Oh, it's your
birthday present.

But I wish it were mine.

Yes, well, that's very sweet,
but I really must be going now.

Ta-rah.

That was a terrific play
and you never heard a word.

I haven't heard of
word since the last words

captain stubing said to me.

I'm sure it was just a mix up.

The printer probably delivered
the package to the wrong room.

Yes, but it was my
job to follow it up.

Come on, honey.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

John, you do not understand.

This job is important to me.

I want it, and I
want to do it well.

And I really messed up.

Hey.

You still have old John.

Ex-husband and maybe
future husband again?

Thank you.

I appreciate your
support, of course.

Marrying you again was something
I hadn't really considered.

Maybe you should consider it.

The way I'm handling
this job, maybe I should.

Oh, hey.

I'm sorry.

That wasn't a very nice
way to put it, was it?

Any way you want to
put it is ok with me.

John, I have to figure out
how I goofed up so badly.

Forget it.

It happened.

Anyway, it's too late.

And tomorrow, we'll be in Paris.

All right.

Quiet please.

Settle down, everyone.

Let's try it one more time.

And now if you're
ready, sir Albert?

Thank you.

Director: Ok, Rebecca.

Everybody ready?

Quiet, please.

And tile over.

Sound running.

Crew: Tea commercial.
Take .

[Shutterboard snaps]

Director: Action.

For your intermission
pick up, do as so many oth--

oh, I'm sorry.

Cut.

Terribly sorry.

It just went through my head.

Oh, don't worry, sir.

We'll take a short break
now, then get back to it.

It'll be-- it'll be fine.
It'll be fine.

- [Chuckling]
- You go and take a rest now.

You're very, very kind.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, nice.

They warned me
about the old guy,

but I thought they
must be exaggerating.

No wonder he doesn't work.

You know, he was
one of the finest

actors of the English theatre.

Damn shame.

Mm.

A pretty sight, aren't I?

You're Byron, aren't you?

Yes, you're Byron.

I understand you
want to be an actor.

Well, what about
this for a scene?

Father and son meeting
for the first time.

Young actor, aspiring
to the greatness

of the legendary father,
finds instead a bit

player holding up production.

Sir Albert, shall we?

My boy, i'm--

[Music playing]

Why so quiet?

I was thinking about my job.

Come on.

Forget it.

It's not that important.

Yes, it is.

I called the printer in London.

He said the delivery
boy was out sick

and no one knows
where those forms are.

Well, if that
makes you feel so

bad, What'll happen
when you make

a bigger mistake on the boat?

Who says I'm going to
make a mistake on the boat?

Who says I made this one?

I-- [chuckling] I only meant--

you only meant.

John, this sounds so familiar.

You say you support me,
but you never really do.

Well, I only meant
that maybe you weren't

cut out for this type of work.

I did it before, and I
did it very, very well.

And I will do it again.

We had a good life.

Did we?

Hey, Jude.

I know you're hurting.

Why take it out on me?

John, I don't mean
to take it out on you.

It's just-- it's just
that I'm beginning

to feel that you want
to take control again,

just like you used to do.

All I ever wanted was what
I thought was right for us.

For you.

For me.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Let me show you Paris.

[Music playing]

Um-- len, why don't you
order something, will you?

I'm just going to
the ladies room.

All right, darling.

I kept trying to
reach you in London.

What happened?
Tell me.

I can't lie, Kathy.

We were in your hotel
room, and-- well,

nature took its course.

Oh.

That's what I expected.

I'm sorry.

I ordered us
some cafe au lait.

While you're at it, you
can just order me a divorce.

What happened?

What'd I do now?

If you don't like cafe au
lait, I'll get something else.

Oh.

Look, please
tell me what I did.

You know what you did.

I'm going back to London and i'm
catching the first plane home.

- But I don't--
- no, len.

We're finished.

Taxi!

Taxi!

The guide book says that some
of the greatest names in art

started here in [inaudible].

Degas, monet, Toulouse-lautrec.

Paris and art.

The two are synonymous.

Wow.

That is one beautiful church.

Captain, you've been
to Paris before.

What church is that?

The sacr -coeur.

It's a long climb to the
top, but I bet it's worth it.

[Music playing]

Dad, this is fabulous.

Look what you can do
in Paris on $ a day.

Vicki, that's not $ a day.

That's Paris on $ a day.

Oh.

Dad, listen.

Can I borrow $
until tomorrow?

[Laughing] Ah,
there's Mrs. Marlowe.

Hello, Mrs. Marlowe.

Oh, hello.

Hello.
Lilly: Hello.

- Hi.
- Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

Hello.

Can you believe
we're here in Paris?

And there's the louvre.

Oh, I can hardly wait
to see the "Mona Lisa."

Well, I hope we catch her on
a good day and she's smiling.

Yeah.

[Laughing]

Roger.

Hi!

Oh.

It's nice to see you.

[Giggling]

Uh, these are some of my
shipmates from the cruise.

Oh.

This is captain stubing
and his daughter Vicki.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

This is Mrs. Marlowe
and her daughter Samantha.

Well, uh-- won't you introduce
your, uh-- friend to us?

Sure.

This is Priscilla.

Priscilla Wembley.

His wife.

Oh.

Well, how nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

This is a day for deception.

Not for Da Vinci.

Come, Samantha.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Please excuse us.

Bye-bye.

[Music playing]

I can't believe Kathy's really
going to go through with it.

Oh, but it's
probably for the best.

I realize divorce is messy, but
you just split up everything

and go your separate ways.

We're not going to
split up anything.

I'm going to give it all to her.

Have you gone bonkers?

Well, she deserves it.

And more.

But, a man in your position--

you've gotta have a house
and a car and paintings

and stocks and bonds and real
estate, not to mention cash.

I started with nothing and I
can start with nothing again.

I'll rent a little
apartment someplace

and ride to work on the
bus like everyone else.

Could you sort of get
over here further?

Look, if you're gonna ride the
bus, you can rub it yourself.

I'm going back to London.

I still can't believe
how pathetic he was.

Sir Albert demerest--

will you stop that?

It's all you've said the
entire weekend in Scotland.

Because I can't help it.

I was repelled, all right?

You know, you're
well rid of him.

Am I?

Albert demerest is a great man.

He's a drunk.

Oh!

Judged and found guilty.

He's hiding his fear
of being forgotten.

Or maybe of being remembered
for his past, his Macbeth,

his Hamlet, his
fear of growing old,

of forgetting his
lines, of being a fool--

of meeting someone that he
is not equipped to meet.

And afraid of not living
up to their expectations.

Come on.

Where are we going?

We're going to
find your father.

[Knocking on door]

Monika.

I just came to settle up.

Yes, of course.

I've got your check.

You did your job very well.

I'm not quite sure
I should thank you.

You loved him very
much, didn't you?

What difference
does that make?

A great deal.

You see, he never
laid a hand on me.

Not even a kiss.

And heavens knows that
he had plenty of chances.

You're lying.

I know you're lying.

Why are you lying to me?

Are you lying?

No, I'm not.

You're not lying?

Your husband is a
man that any woman

would want to hold onto dearly.

That's why I told you I
had an affair with him.

I wanted to be that woman.

No, I don't want
the money back.

I just want him back.

She doesn't want the money.

He doesn't want the money.

I'll keep the money.

A married man.

How could I have been so stupid?

I don't think you were stupid.

You were inexperienced
and in love.

I believed in him too, you know?

Oh, that's the last time
that I believe anybody.

That would be a mistake.

Why?

All my life you've been
telling me not to trust men.

And now I finally believe you
and you tell me that I'm wrong.

There are worse things than
a broken heart, you know?

Name one.

An empty heart.

[People yelling]

What's going on over there?

Oh, that's speaker's corner.

Every cr*ck pot in London
goes there to make speeches.

[People yelling]

When did you last
have a decent apple?

Or a decent tomato?

And these football hooligans
trashing up the place.

[Inaudible] On the pavement.

What about those kids
on their motorbikes?

But where's it all gone wrong?

I'm here to tell you.

Now I shan't be popular,
but it's got to stop.

It's all about winning.

Can I say something?

- Do you want to say something?
- Yeah. Please.

This gentleman would
like to say something.

Would you like to hear it?
- Yeah!

[Applause]
- Right.

Here we are, then.

Roger: You know, everyone
gets up in this park and talks

about whatever they
want, whether it's

politics, philosophy,
literature-- you name it.

I want to talk about love.

[Onlookers cheering and
applauding]

The kind of love between
a man and a woman

who are so perfect
for each other,

but are separated by a
silly misunderstanding.

Come on, mother.
Let's go.

Oh, no, no, no.

Let's listen.

Roger: When I finally found
the only girl who could ever

make me truly happy, I let
her slip away because I

didn't tell her the truth.

Man: Oh, that was silly.

Roger: The truth that I was in
the process of getting this--

a divorce.

Woman: Oh.

Man: Oh.

Roger: My wife and I have been
separated for three years.

But if she thought
there was the slightest

chance of my being
happy, she never

would have signed this paper.

Is there the slightest
chance of my being happy?

Onlookers: Aw--

you bet your bloomin'
britches there is.

Go on, kiss him.

[Onlookers cheering and
applauding]

I'm only doing this
because my mother told me to.

He hasn't been at home at all.

Maybe he's at the pub.

We already looked there.

Laurie, would you give
this to him, please?

This is our address.

And ask him if he would please
send a wire to us on the ship

so that I know that
he's all right.

Sure, maud.

Bye, my dear.

Bye-bye, my dear.

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

Have a safe journey.

Thank you.

You must be the
cruise director.

Well, you're just the
person I need to see.

Hi, John.

What can I do for you?

I like your attitude--
highly-paid executive at work.

Well, madam executive,
I do have a problem.

Somebody's fouled up
my cabin reservations.

So unless some top-level
management personnel

can straighten out
my problem, i'm

afraid I'll be left standing
on the dock waving bon voyage.

John, I went to
London this morning.

I talked to the delivery
boy from the print shop.

I love you, Judy.

That's my only excuse.

I love you too, John.

But we have to have reasons for
being together, not excuses.

So there's nothing I can say?

You could wish me luck.

You won't need it.

Thank you.

[Sighing]

Monika, haven't you done
enough damage to my life

already?

Now once and for all, get out.

Len, come over
here and let me give

you a real birthday present.

[Keys hitting floor]

Well, I fear I will love
him as long as I live.

Mother, I'm sorry.

I-- I know I haven't handled
any of this very well.

Mrs. Garell?

I have a telegram for you.

Oh thank you.

Sure.

Albert (voiceover): By
the time you read this,

the man called Albert
demerest will have d*ed.

If he ever lived.

Please forgive.

Mother, what is it?

Albert: I'm sorry to have
caused you further pain,

but I am an actor.

And I cannot resist an entrance.

[Chuckling]

Maud: Albert!

Albert!

Oh, you--

mm.

[Laughing]

I've been trying to
commit su1c1de for years.

Now I've finally done it.

This is the new sir Albert with
a new life in front of him.

With the woman he loves--

and a son, if he'll have me,
about to embark on a new career

which I know something about.

[Laughing]

Dad?

That has a ring to it.

All: [Laughing]

Good boy.

Captain (on loudspeaker):
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time

for all visitors to go ashore.

In minutes, we will be
leaving merry old england.

Next stop, very old america.

[Music playing]

Captain stubing.

Yes?

Captain, I would like to
apologize for the mix-up.

There was a reason,
but that is no excuse.

There is no excuse for not
properly performing my duties.

You're right.

There was no excuse for not
performing one's duties.

I'm afraid some disciplinary
action has to be taken.

You'll be restricted to this
ship the entire next cruise.

But I'm on the
entire cruise anyway.

Oh, I forgot about that.

But once I dole out punishment,
I never take it back.

Everybody knows that.

[Laughing]

[Theme music]