08x14 - Country Blues/A Matter of Taste/Frat Brothers Forever

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

[ Christmas music playing ]

-Stay there.
-Perfect.

-Hey, captain!
-Hello!

-Hello, sir!
-Hello.

-Hi.
-Hi, merrill.

-It's beautiful.

Captain,
everything's all set

as soon as you're ready.
-Thank you.

I always feel like the president

at the white house
when I do this.

Thanks very much.
You can just leave that there.

Oh, look, Vicki.
There's Billy banks.

Used to be known
as the king of comedy.

Used to?

Well, that was before
your time, honey.

He doesn't work too much
anymore, I'm afraid.

Hello, Mr. Banks!

I'm captain merrill stubing.

And I'm Vicki stubing.
Welcome aboard.

Thank you, mates.

It's a great pleasure
to have you with us.

You're not entertaining
the troops this Christmas?

Well, I, uh -- I like to give
the new comics a break,

so I said to Bob hope,
"you do it this year."

Hey, I got to remember
that line.

Got a laugh.

[ Dog barking ]

Tundra, wait.

-Tundra.
-Tundra!

Is -- is that a dog
or a fur coat with a tongue?

Oh, isn't even laughing.

Kim, how in the world
did she get here?

Well, she didn't say,

but the person
who was with her left this note.

Wonder who it's from.

It's from aunt Martha
and uncle bill.

Ah.

They've been transferred
to London,

and they can't take tundra
with them.

That means she's all mine again!

She can hardly wait
to see you!

-Dad.
-Vicki.

Dad, I know -- I know I have
to find another home for her,

but maybe just...

Vicki, if you're asking
if tundra

can come with us
on this cruise,

the answer is...

[ Whimpering ]

...yes.

Thanks!

I always wanted
a white Christmas.

Hey, doc!

I want you to meet
an old pal of mine, Noel Kane,

the world's
most confirmed bachelor.

-How do you do, doctor?
-Hey, Noel. How are you?

Now, doc's been
married four times.

Oh, you can't catch
this disease!

It hasn't been scientifically
ruled out.

You know, in high school,
Noel was voted most likely

never to get married.
-Listen.

I -- I love women in bunches,
in groups,

for minutes, hours a night.

But for years, no, thank you.

Gentlemen, if --
if you'll excuse me...

Oh, my. This is
some Christmas present!

Oh, Carol!
Thank you!

Mm.
You're welcome.

Oh, when the ladies
of my bridge club found out,

they were absolutely mad
with envy.

Good!

When I told them
you finally found a fellow

and you're not gonna
be single much longer, oh...

Mother!

Why are we just standing around
talking like this?

Why don't you find him?
Where is he?

Okay, you stay here
and look around.

I will be right back.

Pardon me.
-Uh-huh.

I'm looking for John Strauss.
He works here on the ship.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He left this morning.

He had to go home
on a medical emergency.

-Oh, no!
-Yeah.

But it's not terribly,
terribly serious.

He'll be back
on the next cruise.

Next cruise is too late!

Are you John?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not.

Oh, no, mother.
He's not John.

Well, where is John then?

John!

John!

I'll explain later.

Mother, this is John.

John,
this is my mother.

Oh, I am so happy
to meet you!

This just makes my trip!

You are my real
Christmas present!

Oh, my!

Oh, come on, mom.
Let's get settled.

I'll see you later, sweetie.

He is gorgeous!

John?

Sweetheart?

I don't get it.

But it looks
like you're going to.

Merry Christmas,
sweetheart!

You must have been
a very good boy this year.

So tell me.

What do you think
of our ship here, Santa claus?

-Well, it's perfection!
-Mm-hmm.

If I can't ho-ho-ho here,
I can't ho-ho-ho anywhere!

I picked a winner!

Judy!
-Yes.

Say hi
to Mr. Max Phelps.

Well, hello,
Mr. Max Phelps.

Let me get your key.
Sally?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a passenger.
I'm Santa claus.

He's perfect, isn't he?

Hardly.

This is Patrick turney.

I hired him
as our Santa claus.

What?

I can ho-ho-ho

better than he-he-he.

You've got a nice
red nose there.

How'd you like to have
a black eye to go with it, huh?

Mouth like a whale
and a brain like a sardine,

you know?
-Gentlemen!

Gentlemen! Simmer down!
Just simmer down, please!

Gopher.
What's going on here?

Just trying to do somebody
a favor around here,

and look what happens.

What gopher means to say
is that he booked a Santa claus

for this cruise
when I hired another.

Now, we have two santas.

-Right.
-Wrong.

We have three.

And mine is
a shakespearean actor.

To ho-ho or not to ho-ho?

That is the question!

All right!

Yeah!

[ Air horn blows ]

♪♪

Well, is everybody
having a good time?

-Ho.
-Ho.
-Ho.

What seems to be the problem,
gentlemen?

Three hos
and only one bed.

Well, listen, fellas.

We are sorry
there are no available cabins,

but we weren't expecting
three santas.

But we'll handle the problem.
We'll bring in a couple of cots.

Turney: Wait a minute.

Bring two cots in here,
and we won't be able to move!

I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go outside

and practice coming
down the smoke stacks, Santa?

Why don't you go
practice being an anchor?

Stop it.
Stop it.

Look, fellas.
We've been silly.

I'm sure the two of you

would be comfortable
on those cots.

Wait a minute.

How come we get the cots
and you get the bed?

-Yeah.
-Okay, I'll take the bed,

and you take the cots.
-Hey!

What are you trying to pull over
our eyes here, wool?

I'm gonna...
-All right.

All right.
Now, wait a minute, fellas.

Wait a minute.
Now, let's stop all the arguing.

I'm sure that we'll all
make great santas.

Now, look.
I've got a great idea.

-Okay.
-Now, I'll be Santa this year,

and you two do it
the next two years.

Oh, man.

[ All arguing ]

Well, I wonder
where that girl is.

Yeah, I want to met her.
She sounds kind of goofy.

Why?
Because she kissed me

and introduced me
to her mother as John?

Hey, what's
in a name, huh?

Looks like we're
about to find out

because here she comes.

Uh, ace, uh,
Carol was looking for you.

Ah, I was looking
for you, too.

Uh, Carol,
this is ace.

-And I'm Noel.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-I'm sorry.

I'm sure you thought
I was crazy.

But I told my mother we were
meeting my fiancé, John Strauss.

Uh, John had to go
on emergency leave.

You're engaged
to John Strauss?

You're not engaged.

Well, not now
nor in the immediate future.

She's obviously
a very bright girl.

-Yeah.
-But you know how mothers are,

especially my mother.

They always want to see
their daughters married.

So I asked John
if he would pose as my fiancé.

Oh, I get it.

I'm supposed
to play second fiddle.

Well,
Carol told her mother

that she and John
were getting married in a year.

As long as she's got something
to think about, she's happy.

So would you
help me out, please?

Why not?
It's Christmas.

Thank you...John.

I -- I think
I need a kiss too,

or, uh,
I'll tell your mother.

That's blackmail.

Careful.

My fiancé
gets very jealous.

Yeah.

That was a good trick
with, uh, here...

-She's beautiful.
-Yeah?

Now, I remember the night
sitting in front

of the television set,

roaring with laughter
thanks to you.

Yeah, I -- I had a few
good nights, I guess.

Oh, more than few,
I'm sure.

But who needs the hassle?

Arguing with writers,

fighting with directors,
screaming at producers.

-Don't you miss the laughs?
-No way. No way.

Yeah, but
there's a new generation

who've never
seen Billy banks.

I'm sure they'd love you.

Me and my old jokes?
Don't bet on it.

I bet you're wrong.
Come on.

Try a few jokes just for me.
-What? What are you doing?

Come on.
Let's see what happens.

-Huh? What?
-Hi, this is Billy banks,

the king of comedy.
-Hi.

Well, the -- the -- the --
the king's not very happy today.

My wife
just had plastic surgery.

I cut up her credit cards.
[ Laughs ]

Here's another one.
The cop stops a drunk

driving the wrong way
on a one-way street.

Cop says, "didn't you
see the arrow?"

The drunk says, "arrow?

I didn't even see the Indians!"

See? Nobody has a sense
of humor anymore.

No. They were
wonderful jokes, Billy.

-Forget it.
-I'm sure they liked you.

Forget it.
Forget it.

I -- I'm happy just the way
I am, living off my reruns.

See ya, cappy.

♪♪

Don't worry, tundra.

We'll find you a good home.

We'll take her picture

and put it up
on all the bulletin boards

with a list
of her attributes.

Okay.
Is she pedigree?

I said pedigree,
tundra, not pedicured.

Um, can we say
she's a show dog?

The best.

Oh, and, uh,
she's also a very good nurse.

A nurse?

Sure.
Watch what I taught her.

Achoo!

She's adorable!
I wish I could adopt her.

Kim, make a note

that tundra also does
light housekeeping.

[ Barking ]

[ Christmas music plays ]

[ Children talking excitedly ]

I'll make you guys a deal.

Christmas Eve, if you let
the kids sit on your lap,

I'll let the mothers
sit on mine.

That's a nice way
for a Santa claus to talk.

Absolutely right!

No diction, no projection!

If either of you
played Santa claus,

Christmas
would close on opening night!

Attention, passengers.

Dinner is now being served
in the coral dining room.

My friend ace is real lucky
to be engaged to your daughter.

Thank you.
Ace?

John, I -- I hate
that name, ace.

Me too.

But you know
how those nicknames stick.

We call him ace
because he's a winner.

Your daughter is getting
a real winner.

Oh, well, my daughter wouldn't
settle for anything less.

It's why
she waited so long.

Mother, I'm not that...

Do you like
large families, John?

Oh, sure!
Absolutely!

How many brothers
and sisters do you have?

Oh, uh, you mean us.

I just can't wait
to be a grandmother!

Is it okay
if I finish my dinner first?

-Oh.
-You know,

it is funny how love
takes you by surprise.

It seems like,
just yesterday,

marriage was the farthest thing
from my mind.

You know,
John's real lucky, all right.

If I had met Carol earlier,
we could be together.

Isn't it amazing

how the two right people
seem to find each other

with all of the other people
in the world?

Yeah.

I love Christmas.

It's too bad
it only comes once a year.

Well, I can't wait for Santa
to show up tomorrow night.

That's when I'll really
know it's Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Well, I'll be.
It's Santa claus!

A little early,
but that's him!

What's he doing here
tonight?

Beats the reindeer
out of me, sir.

Merry Christmas,
everyone!

Yeah.

Two santas?

Christmas greetings
to one and all!

Looks like a close-out sale
on santas.

Three santas.
Who's responsible for this?

I hired the one
on the left, sir.

And the one on the right
is mine.

Can you guess which one's mine?

Well...my thanks
to the three of you.

It's a marvelous idea.

Santa clauses
around the clock!

Three times
as much Christmas spirit!

[ Christmas music plays ]

Well, girls,
any news on tundra?

Not a bite.

No one seems to want
to give her a home.

Billy banks.

I don't think anyone
wants to give him a home

either.
-No.

I mean, let's get
the two of them together.

Tundra needs a home.
Billy needs companionship.

Older people get a great deal
of comfort from their pets.

Do you think Mr. Banks will
really take tundra, captain?

I don't know,
but it's certainly worth a try.

Well, it's gonna be a tough job
talking him into it,

but I think
we can do it.

Kim and I have an idea.
-Ah.

I've never played matchmaker
for a dog before,

but I'll certainly
give it my best sh*t.

Well, there he is at the bar.
Good luck.

Hope this works.

Mr. Banks.

-Hi.
-Hi.

We are giving
free palm readings tonight.

Learn your future.
-Oh.

I see you are going
on a long journey.

-I am on a long journey.
-See?

Our predictions
are coming true already.

Oh, and you're going
to meet a beautiful creature.

Keep talking.
Keep talking.

Oh, look.
She has big, brown eyes

and long, gorgeous hair.

And a great body.

Now, that's what I call
a Christmas present.

-Do you want to meet her?
-Do I? Sure!

Super! We'll bring her
by your cabin tonight.

-Terrific!
-See ya later.

So long.

With my luck,
she'll probably be a dog.

That was pretty smart of me,
telling your mother that,

as best man, I should practice
dancing with the bride.

Not smart, devious.

I should talk.

Miss devious herself.

I meant
what I said at dinner.

I wish I had met you
before ace did.

No.

You're holding me
too tightly.

Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry.

Mother is watching.

♪♪

Right. Right.

Noel, you're holding me
too loosely.

So, uh, where are
you and Carol gonna live

when you get married?

Uh, we haven't
decided yet.

Where does
your friend live?

Noel?

On the east coast.

If I were you,
I'd stay on the west coast.

Don't worry. You'll get
all you want for Christmas.

Get you
a -pound mothball.

Merry Christmas!
Go ahead, son!

Merry Christmas!

Hi, Santa.
My name is Mark.

Mark! Oh, well!
Oh, what a nice name, Mark!

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!

-Oh, ho-ho-ho!
-Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Well,
I'm glad the captain

liked the idea
of the three santas.

Yeah, we were lucky.

Well, they make the line
go faster.

Three santas, no waiting.
Perfect.

And have you been a good boy
this year?

Yes.

You have?
Ho-ho-ho!

And what would
you like Santa

to bring you
for Christmas, hmm?

A skateboard, a bicycle...

-Mm-hmm.
-...And a video game.

Oh, that's nothin'.
That's nothin'.

Those are
stockin' stuffers.

How about a computer
like the one

in daddy's office,
one of them big jobs?

Oh.
One of them big jobs.

I'm talking about
a big job.

That's bubkes.

This is Christmas.
This is big time.

How would you like your own car
and a chauffeur

to drive you until you're old
enough to drive yourself?

Isn't that a good one?
-Mark, it's time for bed.

Wait a minute.
Wait!

Lady, please, give me
five more minutes with him.

-Time for bed.
-Let him stay with me.

Mark, Mark, Mark, uh, Santa
has to go to bed.

Think big, Mark!

Remember, it's only
one more day!

Santa...

You guys better
get your act together,

or you're all going
to hear the dreaded two words.

You're fired?

Santa overboard.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Here I come.

Here she is.

That's her?

We promised you long, gorgeous
hair and big, brown eyes.

Bye.
-Bye.

Wait, wait.

[ Tundra barks ]

I was right.
You are a dog.

Is that some joke?

Well,
what am I gonna do with you?

Mm.
That's -- that's nice.

Can you do anything else?

Fetch my slippers?

Those are shoes, dummy.
I said slippers.

What's the matter,
you don't know the difference?

Huh. You know somethin'?

You're a lot smarter
than most of my dates.

Well, joke's over.

I'll take you back to Vicki now.

Oh. Okay, okay.

Hey, I'll take you
back in the morning.

You can stay the night.

-I want to thank you.
-Hmm?

I -- I mean, for the trouble.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

I think my mom likes the idea
of you as a son-in-law.

Well,
it -- it's been fun.

Listen.
I've got a job to do.

Will you take care
of my girl?

I don't know.
You're pretty trusting.

Ah, she's in good hands.

See ya.

Later.

Star light, star bright.

Hear the wish
I wish tonight.

What did you wish?

I made two wishes.

You already fulfilled
the first one.

And the second?

More of the first.

So how are things coming
along with your three santas?

Great, sir.
They're just coming along great.

The guys like each other.
-Good.

You know,
it's an intriguing idea.

Maybe some other ships
in the line will pick up on it.

-Yeah.
-That's very possible, sir.

Uh, don't forget, sir,
it started right here.

Yes.
Thanks to you three.

You call yourself
a Santa claus?

Turney: You couldn't play
a tree on arbor day.

[ Alarm clock ringing ]

Mm, mm, mm.

What's -- what's going on?
Oh, boy.

[ Ringing stops ]

[ Barking ]

Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.

I -- I get the message, doggy.
Easy.

What? Oh,
you want to take a walk.

I get it.
Okay, here you go.

Hey, uh,
don't forget the room number.

Yeah. This is,
uh, Billy banks. Yeah.

Would you please send me
bacon and eggs over medium,

toast, coffee?

Right.
Thank you.

Oh, boy.
That's what I call fast service.

You're back, huh?

Dummies.
I ordered bacon.

They send me ham.

Well, I sure wish I had a dog
like you when I was a kid.

I wish I could keep you now,

but I barely have enough money
to feed me, let alone you.

Mm-hmm.

You want to hear a secret?

I won this trip on a raffle.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Boy. Yeah.

I -- I wish you could've seen me
when I was king of comedy.

Oh, you would have
been so proud of me.

Yeah.

You want some ham?

Oh, it's okay.
It's okay.

The -- the -- this --
the food's free on the cruise.

I can get more.

Here.

There you go.

Hey, tund.

You're all right, kiddo.

Give me a kiss.

Thanks to your fighting
last night,

we really caught it
from the captain.

Yeah, and if we didn't
need a Santa for tonight,

we'd fire each of you.

I don't know
why we hired you three.

Well, this is what we get
for doing our Christmas shopping

at the last minute.

Now, look.

I want you guys
to jolly up,

or you're gonna be
swimming back to Los Angeles.

The captain says we don't need
three fighting santas,

so you either get along
with each other,

or two of you are gone.

You understand?
Do I make myself clear?

Thank you.

That was nice, goph.

Just the right balance of quiet
authority and loud yelling.

Yeah.

Gopher is right.

They don't need
three Santa clauses.

Come on.
Let's get this over with

once and for all.

Whoever gets the high card
gets to play Santa claus

and keeps all the paychecks.
Okay?

One moment, please.

Hello. I'd like
to send a cablegram, please,

to Mrs. Mary Phelps,
general delivery,

Wichita, Kansas.

Dear mom, may not be able
to pay for your operation.

Try to hang on.
Love, Max.

Okay. I'm ready.

[ Knock on door ]

-Laundry?
-Right over here, sir.

I won't need it
till we get back to L.A.

Hold on just a minute.

Let me see this.

He was gettin' rid
of our Santa claus outfits.

How low can a person get?

Oh, by the way, your telephone
should be fixed in an hour.

Poor mom.

You phone phony.

I've had it
with both of you.

I've never dealt
with such dishonesty

in my whole life.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I knew when I first met you

that you weren't dealing
with a full deck.

What is this?
-An ace.

Ain't that a k*ller?

♪♪

So, while Santa
was feeding his reindeer

and filling his sack last night,
what did you two do?

Oh, we did a little
pre-Christmas gift giving.

A few trifles,
nothing much.

Uh-huh.

You know, if only
I were the serious type.

But of course, I'm not.

Oh, nor am I.

What makes her so unbelievably
attractive to me

is her
absolute unavailability.

No strings attached.

[ Clears throat ]

Except to you, John.

Good morning,
mother Kelsey.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Good morning, mother.
Did you have a good night?

A few unnerving moments.

Maybe you're not used
to the ship.

I'm not used to the ship.

Have you seen
the fabulous buffet?

I'm not very hungry.

Let's go for a walk and leave
these two lovebirds alone.

Ah, you know what?
I'm very busy this morning,

so I signed
Carol and Noel up

for the shuffleboard
tournament.

In fact,
you'd better get going.

-Oh. Oh, right.
-Shuffleboard!

Come on, Noel.

See ya later, mom.
-Carol, we have to talk.

Oh -- oh, sure.
Later.

Sweetheart...
-Yeah?

Take care of my mother.

And you take care
of my sweetheart.

Do you wear glasses?

No. Why?

I don't think
you see so good.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

-Here's your dog. Bye.
-Oh, wait, wait, wait!

I -- I thought maybe
you'd want to keep her.

Billy: I did keep her
one night.

Now she's yours again.
Bye.

Wait!
We thought that maybe

you might want
to keep her for good.

-Yeah.
-For good?

Hey, who needs
the responsibility?

I mean, you've got a dog,
takes up all your time.

You walk it.
You've got to feed it.

I haven't got time
for that kind of stuff.

I'm a busy man.

But we -- we kind of hoped.

Oh, I get it.

You hoped that
I'd get hooked on the dog

and want to keep it.
Huh?

No way. Bye.

Don't worry, tundra.

We'll find you
a nice home.

Poor tundra.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now entering
the fabulous port of acapulco.

We will be here
throughout the day and evening.

Whether you enjoy dining
and dancing onboard

or taking in one
of the city's many night spots,

we're sure
this will be a memorable day.

All right.
Have we forgotten anyone?

-Well, this one's for Isaac.
-Isaac?

-And this last one's for gopher.
-Gopher!

-Ah, what about tundra?
-Oh, I know!

We could have the chef gift-wrap
a big bone for her.

Well, then
that's everybody.

Billy banks?

Oh, no.
We can't forget about Billy!

What do you think
he'd like?

-Oh, a money clip...
-Sir.

-Something like that.
-Mm-hmm?

I bet he'd love a chance

to preform
at our Christmas show.

That's a wonderful idea.

Vicki, why don't you and Kim
break the good news to him?

I'm glad I thought of that.

Yeah, I haven't seen
much of your mother today.

Yeah, we only have one more day
to stall her off.

Oh, with my mother, a lot
can happen in one day.

[ Chuckles ]

-There you go, darling.
-Thank you.

There you are.

-Oh, there they are!
-Ah.

Sweethearts, I have the most
wonderful news for you!

You don't have to wait
a whole year to get married!

The captain says you
can get married tomorrow.

He'll do it himself!

-Congratulations.
-No.

It's -- it's - it's ace.
-Ace.

Mother Kelsey: Yes, ace,
your photographer.

Well, uh, you've been
holding out on us.

I'll spread the word
to the crew.

Well, come along, captain,

we have to get some arrangements
taken care of.

Captain!

Ace, I started this.
I'll finish it.

♪♪

Doggone it, fellows.

I forgot my tambourine!

And the children
just love to hear me sing!

What are you doing?

I'm going back up.

We'll be late for the party.
Let's go down!

-Let's...
-Going up!

We're stuck!

No, I'm stuck
with you two!

Yeah, but where are Santa's
helpers when you need 'em?

-Help!
-Help!

-Help!
-Help!

Well, I guess everybody's
at the Christmas Eve party.

Except three dum-dums
stuck in an elevator.

Yeah.

We're supposed
to be Santa clauses,

and we're acting
like a bunch of kids.

That's right.

You know somethin'?

You should've been Santa claus
because you look more like him.

Yeah.

No, you should have
been Santa claus.

You got hired first.

Right.

Thanks, guys.

But I think you should have
been Santa claus

'cause
you're the oldest.

-That's true.
-You know somethin', fellas?

We're just figuring out
what Christmas is all about --

doing something nice
for somebody else

and not ourselves.
-Mm.

♪ You better watch out ♪

♪ you better not cry ♪

♪ you better not pout ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you why ♪

♪ Santa claus is comin'
to town ♪

If he ever gets
out of this elevator.

-Hey, Santa claus...
-We're moving!

-...is comin' to town!

Billy?

Why did I ever let you guys
talk me into this?

Oh, you are going
to be great.

I know you will!
-Yeah, you know it,

and I know it, but who's gonna
tell the audience?

You are with your jokes!

You have made
a million people laugh.

That's a gift!

It's Christmas.
People return gifts.

Kids, I am scared.

That doesn't mean
you're not gonna be good.

That's why we saved you
till last.

You're the headliner!

You have got
to get out on that stage!

Why?

Because where else are you
gonna go dressed like that?

Now, you're talkin'.

♪♪

So now
you know the whole story.

We were even going
to have a mock wedding.

A mock wedding?

I was desperate.

I'd do anything to get you
off my back about marriage,

but you put all this pressure
on me!

Pressure?

When did I ever put pressure
on you?

You're always talking
about all your friends

and their children
being married.

That is not pressure.

That is a fact.

All right.

Now --
now, about this Noel,

I saw you
kissing him last night.

Oh, well,
Noel and I hit it off.

But he doesn't believe
in marriage,

so you can forget Noel.

One of these days,
you're gonna fall in love.

You're gonna get married.
I'm gonna be happy.

I'm gonna shout it
from the rooftops.

But until then,
marry for yourself, okay?

Don't marry for me.

I love you.

Of course you do.

Continued our gala
Christmas Eve entertainment,

we have with us tonight one
of the best-loved TV comics

of our times.

Let's all welcome Billy banks!

[ Applause ]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's a pleasure to be here,
a pleasure to be anywhere.

Did ya hear the one about
the, uh, traveling salesman

whose car broke down?

So he -- he goes to the farmer.

He says, "farmer,
could I spend the night?"

Farmer says, "sure,
you can spend the night.

You'll have
to sleep with my son."

He says, "sleep with your son?

I must be in the wrong joke!"

[ Rim sh*t ]

[ Light laughter ]

[ Tundra barking
and whimpering ]

You're gonna love this one.

Ah, you're gonna...
Yeah, right.

A guy's driving an old Chevy,

and a cop stops him
and says, "hey, you're doin'

in a -mile zone."

The fellow says, "officer,
could you do me a favor?

Could you write down ?
I'm trying to sell the car."

You get it?
I'm trying to sell the...

What are you,
an audience or a jury?

[ Laughter ]

Oh-ho!
You like that one, huh?

Two guys meet at a party.

One guys says to the other guy,

"that is the ugliest woman
I've ever seen."

The guy says,
"that's my wife."

He says, "I'm sorry."

The other guy says,
"you're sorry?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

You want more?

Okay, you're gonna get more.

You're gonna get more.

Do you know why they
have fire dogs on fire trucks?

So that the firemen
can find the hydrants.

It's important to know
when to get off, you know?

Ladies and gentlemen,
you -- you --

you've been
a really terrific audience,

and I...This has been the most
wonderful Christmas gift

I could ever have.

Good night.
Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We are now leaving acapulco,
ladies and gentlemen.

But our cruise
is far from over.

We expect to see you all at
our gala Christmas day dinner

tomorrow afternoon.

-Isn't this beautiful?
-Mm-hmm.

In just a little while,

Santa's reindeer will be
streaking through those clouds.

He's bringing lots of toys
and goodies on his sleigh.

Ho-ho-ho,
and what do you want

for Christmas,
little girl?

Hmm, a little happiness
for my mom and maybe,

if there's some left over,
just a little for me.

I really blew this trip.

I'm glad it's almost over.

Well, I'm sorry
it's almost over.

Careful.

You wouldn't want
to say anything you regret.

I mean, uh, forgetful moment
on Christmas Eve.

Carol, I...

Hey, watch it,
Mr. Confirmed bachelor.

Well, look who's talking,
miss confirmed bachelorette.

How am I ever
gonna make my mama happy?

Well, who knows?

Maybe someday two
confirmed bachelors

will suddenly realize
they love each other.

I think
they already have.

Merrill: It's my pleasure
on this beautiful Christmas day

to wish the both of you
all the happiness

that love can bring.

And may it reflect on all of us.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

♪♪

-Oh, congratulations.
-Congratulations.

Carol: Thank you!

Oh, Carol!

You didn't have
to do this for me!

But, mother, I actually
didn't get married for you.

I got married for me.

Oh, come on.

This -- this --
this was a mock wedding.

I'm really married.

You married a man
you just met?

That's what I did.

Wha-- wha-- what am I
gonna tell my friends?

That you have a daughter
who was once single

and now isn't.

Maybe we could say
you're engaged...

Oh, mother!

At least for a little while.
Leave it to me.

At least
we're on the right track.

Where are the santas, gopher?

This is Christmas day.

Sir, I'm sorry.
I don't know.

Santa: Ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas!

Ho-ho-ho.

Ho-ho-ho.
-Merry Christmas!

-Ho-ho-ho.
-Merry Christmas!

Well, you did it again.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.

[ Barks ]

♪♪

Turned out to be
great Santa clauses after all.

Our pleasure.

The kids
loved all of you.

And now you can go back
to being solo santas.

I'm afraid not, Isaac.

We've decided we're gonna
work together from now on.

-Yep.
-Right.

But how about three rabbits
for easter?

Oh, there they are.

Goodbye, Billy.
-Ah, goodbye, captain.

We're so glad we could get
you and tundra together.

Together forever.

Oh, goodbye, tundra.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, you won't miss her
for long.

Yes. We're booking tundra
and Billy

to entertain
on more of our cruises.

Unh-unh.
Billy and tundra.

Even though she's top dog,
I still get top billing.

Come on.

♪♪