09x06 - Forties Fantasy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Love Boat". Aired: September 24, 1977 – May 24, 1986.*
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Set on the luxury passenger cruise ship MS Pacific Princess, and revolves around the ship's captain Merrill and a handful of his crew, with passengers played by guest actors for each episode, having romantic and humorous adventures along the way.
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09x06 - Forties Fantasy

Post by bunniefuu »

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's
sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

♪ ♪

Boy, they sure don't make
them like that anymore.

Yeah, world w*r ii.

That was my w*r.
[ Sighs, chuckles ]

I would have loved
to have seen action,

commanded my own ship.

But, merrill, you were
only years old

when the w*r ended.

Yes, but I was big
for my age.

Oh, well, I'm sure you would
have had a command, sir.

I mean, heck, back then,
everybody had a command.

Even the captains
of garbage scows had com--

but you would have rated
a battleship, I'm sure.

Can you imagine what
it would have been like

if the pacific Princess had
pulled duty as a troop-carrier?

Mm.

Well, for one thing,
years ago,

we wouldn't be carrying
around girls in bikinis.

We'd be carrying
around battle gear.

Man: Dateline, may th, --
the pacific Princess goes to w*r

while general patton continues
his relentless march to Berlin.

Thousands of america's
finest young men

say good-bye to wives
and to sweethearts

as they board
the pacific Princess

for a trip across the Atlantic

and a rendezvous with destiny.

Gopher: Okay, you men,
listen up!

"C" company, deck "a."

"B" company, deck "c."

"A" company, deck "b."

Somebody made this harder
than it has to be.

Sir, could you tell me
where company "c" is again?

"A" deck, midship,
portside.

In case you're wondering
where that is, sir,

that's the middle
of the ship on the left.

These Navy guys
talk like they fight.

They never know
where they're aiming.

Come on,
I'll show you.

Dog face.

-Excuse me.
-Yo. Oh.

Judy McCoy,
u.S.O. Director.

Oh, sure, Ms. McCoy.
Nice to meet you.

Yes, we're hear to entertain
the troops on the way to Europe.

Yeah, we've been
expecting you.

Say, you and your gals
are billeted on "b" deck.

Hope you'll be
comfortable there.

Thank you.

[ Men cheering, whooping ]

Hey, sweetheart,
you looking for me?

Do I know you?

Time is short.
w*r is hell.

What else
do we need to know?

Girls, girls,
remember the regulations.

Huh?

No fraternizing
with enlisted men

outside your regular
u.S.O. Duties.

[ Sighs ]

Now, let's go.
Come on. Come on.

Oh!
Oh, oh!

-Let's go.
-Oh! Oh!

-Let's go!
-Ohh!

Oh.

Come back.

♪ ♪

Can you tell us where
the performers are staying?

"B" deck, ma'am --
just follow the signs.

Don't feel bad, Carl.
You're doing your part.

Sure.

They're risking their lives,
and I'm tap dancing for freedom.

Shield up, my soldier boys,
because lupe zapata...

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Men cheering, whooping ]

We've reserved the admiralty
suite for you, Ms. Valdez.

How big is the bed?

[ Laughter,
[ Cheers, and applause ]

Because I do
a lot of reading.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Smith.
-Sir!

Merrill: We have soldiers
assigned to each state room.

How do you justify putting one
woman in the admiralty suite?

Well, with all due respect, sir,
this is not just any woman.

This is
lupe zapata De vega valdez,

one of Hollywood's
biggest stars.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I hate to toot
my own horn...

[ Laughter ]

But I gave up a fantastic part
in "return to rio"

just to love
and perform for my boys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

May I show you
to your cabin?

[ Men ooh ]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I should be doing it.
I'm the captain.

This is so exciting.
Just think --

two months ago,
I was an Iowa farm girl,

and today...

I'm helping
a movie star get dressed.

This is
the land of opportunity.

[ Ship horn blares ]

♪ ♪

Your hospitality packages,
courtesy of the u.S.O..

Each one has a bar of soap,
some chocolate, and a nail file.

Hey, doll, mine ain't got
no nail file.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Aah.

[ Flash clicks ]

Aah! Aah!

[ Blows ]

[ Sighs ]

Name's Ashley Evans,
Liberty magazine.

You can call me "ace."

Charles Reynolds,
U.S. army.

Everybody calls me
"chip."

Okay, chip,
I'll level with you --

this is
my first assignment.

My job is to cover the w*r
from the inside out.

Let me ask you
a question, chip.

sh**t.

What makes a man leave
the warmth of his home

to crawl
through the barbed wire

with b*ll*ts whizzing
over his head, huh?

I was drafted.

[ Laughs ]

How about you?

Me?

I'm -f --
bad knees.

Polo injury.

Oh, yeah.

Polo is hell.

Hey.

Yeah?

See you
in the chow line.

This one ain't got
no gum.

I'd rather have the gum
than the nail file.

♪ ♪

Any sign of
Japanese w*r ships, ensign?

Sir, this is the Atlantic.
The Japanese are in the pacific.

You're right.

I know
how to remember that.

"Japanese" and "pacific"
both have the "p" in them.

[ Sighs ]

It's clever, sir.
It's very clever.

I'd give anything
for some action.

I want a ship with -inch g*ns
and a w*r room!

Instead, I got a ship
with a swimming pool and --

and dance floor.

You're right, sir.

But when it's waxed,

it's a very dangerous
dance floor.

You're a good man,
ensign.

Never, ever leave
that man alone on the bridge.

[ Upbeat music plays ]

Carl: And kick --
I'll tell you.

Step, turn, hold.
Again.

Kick, change, step, turn.
Last time.

[ Laughs ]
That's great.

Applause, applause,
applause.

Mm-hmm.

I'll do my costume change
while you sing your solo.

We'll become a big hit.
We'll get a Broadway show,

and then --

and then you'll forget
your friends.

Isaac Washington!

Isaac!

Hey!

[ Laughs ]

All right!
Carl, Tara.

What the hell
you doing around here.

Oh, I'm on my way back.

I got this terrible urge
to tap-dance on h*tler's face.

Yeah, I tried
to enlist, uh...

But they wouldn't take me
because of my asthma.

I keep telling him
that what we're doing

for the u.S.O. Is
just as important.

Yeah.

You know,
combat isn't any fun.

I met a lot of guys
that really want to hurt me.

Oh, yeah?

What side were they on?

[ Laughter ]

All right.
You're all right.

But I suppose the toughest thing
about going off to w*r

is leaving your friends, family,
and sweethearts at home, huh?

You know, Napoleon's men
were less demoralized

by their defeats
than they were

the separation
from things familiar.

Fascinating, huh?

Are you gonna eat
your spam?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Gasps ]
Janet!

What are you
doing here?

Don't you know
this is against regulations?

You'll get us both
in a heap of trouble.

I don't care.

I just had
to see you, Chuck.

Man:
Hey, darling!

How about some more coffee
over here, huh?

I'll see you later.

-Way to go, chipper.
-[ Whistles ]

-Aw, just eat your spam.
-[ Laughs ]

I mean it, Tara.

You and Carl have the chemistry
that just won't quit.

Well, we've been together
a long time,

ever since we played snowflakes
in Mrs. Potter's tap recital.

Oh, so why haven't
you two gotten married?

I mean,
doesn't Fred Astaire

always fall for ginger Rogers
in the movies?

Well, I'm afraid
my Fred sees his ginger

as just a good buddy.

One, two, three, four,
one, two...Three, four!

Hi, captain.

I have made
the enlisted men very happy,

and now I am ready
to Polish the brass.

[ Chuckles ]

Ms. Valdez, I hope
you're finding

your accommodations
pleasant.

Ooh,
the cabin is wonderful.

But I just don't understand
why you have

this beautiful ocean view

and those tiny-weeny

[ speaking Spanish ]
Windows.

Well, don't get
too comfortable.

We could be under enemy att*ck
at any moment.

Well, I hope we don't run
into a wolf pack of u-boats

because all you have is
one little anti-aircraft g*n.

My...

For a singer and a woman,

you seem to know a great deal
about combat a*tillery.

Captain, you forget --
I just played a co-pilot

in my latest film,
" seconds over rio."

Doc: Don't you remember
that great scene, captain?

Lupe's plane is going
down in flames,

the pilot is dead,
and she sings

"my boy, the flyboy."

Oh, what a moment.

What a moment.

Where's she from?

Brazil.

Are they on our side?

Uh, more coffee,
miss?

I can't believe
you're here.

It's been like hell
without you.

Golly, she was
only gone a minute.

[ Sighs ]

We've got to find
some place to be alone.

Well, I'll see you tonight
at the dance.

We'll figure
something out.

♪ ♪

A spy.

I knew it.

♪ ♪

I bet you had to eat a lot
of popsicles to get all these.

Yeah, my tongue
was purple for months.

[ Laughs ]

Look, Carl, my guess is
that the change in atmosphere

here at sea caused
your asthma to flare up.

This ought to keep it
under control.

Thanks, doctor.

You're welcome.

I guess I thought ignoring it
would make it go away.

No, that only works
when you're pregnant.

[ Both laugh ]

Good-bye, doc.

Bye-bye, Carl.

[ Door closes, opens ]

What now, Carl?
Did you forget your lollipop?

Tonight in the lounge,ited
or, if you prefer,

the film "the g.I.'S
hidden enemy -- foot fungus."

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Look for yourself on the cover
of Liberty magazine.

Hey, if you didn't want
your picture taken,

just tell me
before I take it.

Chip, a-are you sore at me
for sneaking onboard?

It's just when I see you,
I go crazy.

I want to hold you
and feel you.

Oh, I wish you could take me
away from here.

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheering ]

♪ ♪

♪ what good is melody ♪

♪ what good is music ♪

♪ if it ain't possessing
something sweet? ♪

♪ It ain't the melody ♪

♪ it ain't the music ♪

♪ there's something else ♪

♪ that makes the tune
comple-e-e-ete ♪

♪ ♪

All:
♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't got that swing ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ all you go to do is swing ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ it makes no difference
if it's sweet or hot ♪

♪ just give that rhythm
everything you've got ♪

♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't got that swing ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop,
doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop,
doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop,
doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

-♪ Come on, doo-wop ♪
-♪ repeat the melody ♪

-♪ come on, doo-wop ♪
-♪ repeat the music ♪

All: ♪ there's something else
that makes this tune complete ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't got that swing ♪

Whoo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop ♪

♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't ♪

♪ got that swi-i-i-i-i-ng ♪

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

Man:
Attention!

Break it up!

We're all
on the same side, remember?

Now, what is this senseless
scuffle all about?

I say that Rita Hayworth
has better legs

than Betty grable, sir.

Well, you're wrong.
Carry on.

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

-You wanted to see me, sir?
-Yes.

I need to talk
to someone I can trust.

I think there is more
to this Ms. Valdez

than meets the eye.

I have good reason to believe
that she is an enemy spy.

[ Chuckling ]
A spy, sir?

[ Laughs ]

I see.

Well, why don't you
have her arrested, sir?

Because a snake
like that never works alone.

I want to uncover the entire
slithering, slimy nest.

Sir...

Please, I just ate.

Remember,
not a word to anyone.

Loose lips sink ships.

[ Mumbling ]

Oh, I don't ever want
to let you go.

Well, everybody's at the dance.
My cabin is empty.

Oh.

Janet.

I warned you
about this earlier.

It is against u.S.O. Policy
for our girls

to become involved
with g.I.S.

Well, you might as well know
the truth, Ms. McCoy.

This isn't
just some soldier boy

I picked up
on the dance floor.

Chip is my husband.

That's impossible.

Happens all the time.

A guy marries a girl
and becomes her husband.

Well, I'm sorry,
b-but there are rules.

A soldier can't take his wife
on a troop ship.

What are they gonna do,
throw us overboard?

Please, Ms. McCoy.

Chip and I were married the day
he left for basic training.

We thought
we'd have some time together

before he shipped out,

but his orders got
pushed up.

[Sighs] What she's trying
to say is we, uh --

we had the cake and
the rice, but we never
made it to the hotel.

Oh.

Don't you think uncle Sam
owes us a honeymoon night?

Do you ever think about getting
back into show business?

Well, the army has
such great things to offer,

good pay, nice clothes,

a free trip to Berlin.

Isaac...

You know I want to be part
of the fight for freedom.

Carl, if I could switch places
with you, I would.

So do it.

What are you talking
about?

When this ship docks
in england,

you get off as Carl tysdell,
song and dance man.

I'll get off
as Isaac Washington, w*r hero.

Carl, you're crazy.

Now, sooner or later,
somebody would find out.

Isaac...

You've had your chance
to do your duty.

Give me my chance
to do mine.

Lupe:
...The course of the ship

from the charts
in the captain's office.

Man: [ German accent ]
Excellent, liebchen.

Your efforts
on behalf of of the gestapo

will be
handsomely rewarded.

It was a piece of cake --
so easy.

I copied down
the course of the ship

from the charts
in the captain's office.

[ German accent ]
Excellent, liebchen.

Your efforts
on behalf of the gestapo

will be
handsomely rewarded.

I hope so, Klaus.

I hope so because I am risking
one heck of a movie career.

Once I radio this ship's
position to the u-boats,

we will make our escape.

And then,
we will sink this ship.

Sehr gut.

That's what you think!

[ Door slams ]

Dr. Bricker.

Well, hi, captain.

What's going on here.

Well, uh, lupe and I were
just remembering

my favorite scene from
"u-boats to rio."

"U-boats to rio"!

I must have seen that film
times.

Oh.

I'm afraid
I missed that one.

That is too bad.
It was such a good movie.

I stole the show
as a Navy nurse forced

to work for the Nazis.

I had to roll bandages

for goering the pig!
Eugh.

I see.

Well, I'll be
on my way.

Oh, I, uh, I-I borrowed this,
um, from your office.

Uh...

Just testing the hull
for any sounds of stress.

Carry on.

[ Sighs ]

Well, Klaus,
that was a close one.

[ German accent ] We must be
more careful, liebchen.

All right,
we have our orders.

This ship must never
reach england.

Ja, wohl!

Sehr gut.

♪ ♪

If you're nervous,
count your toes.

I'll do the masterminding
around here.

Wow,
spies everywhere --

you never knew
who your friends were.

What a hero.

I'd let John Wayne lead
my mother into battle.

John Wayne?
Wait, what, hold it.

Wait a minute,
what happened to Jeff Chandler?

That was over with
minutes ago.

This is "sands of iwo jima."
Where've you been?

Oh.

I was thinking about
the Princess as a troop ship,

you know, with the g.I.S
and the u.S.O. Girls

and the khaki
and the k-rations

and the submarines
and the periscopes --

shh!

Shh!

w*r bonds.

Men: [ Chanting ]
Left, left, right, left.

Left, left,
left, right, left.

Left, left,
left, right, left.

Uh, excuse me.
Just a few more questions.

Uh, is it true
that, in the army,

they teach you how to k*ll
with your bare hands?

Why,
do you want to die?

Okay, that's about
all the questions I have.

Thanks.

Tara,
I have an idea.

How about
letting Isaac dance?

The three of us?

Fantastic.
It's just like the old days.

I'm not talking
about a trio.

I want Isaac
to take my place tonight.

Your --

you see,
your partner has

this crazy itch
to see Europe by t*nk.

He wants us
to switch places.

Now, personally,
I think he's nuts.

But who am I
to stop him?

Oh.

Brilliant.

And just how
do you two geniuses plan

to pull off
a stunt like this?

Well, I got some friends
that can dummy up the paperwork.

Thanks to Isaac,
I'm going to see combat.

Yeah.

It's a dream come true.

Klaus: Graue wolf.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, eine moment.

[ Normal voice ]
Uh, one moment.

Oh, doctor, good.
Can I have a word with you?

Got a little problem.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Well, don't be shy,
Mr. Smith.

I'm a Navy doctor.
I've seen it all.

Oh, it's not about me.

It's about the captain.

Frankly, I think
he's losing his mind.

What's the matter?

Is he suffering from
a lack of battle fatigue?

Well, let me put it
this way --

this morning,
he woke up and told me

he thinks you are
a n*zi spy.

Me?

You.

"Vut" does he "tink" --
I'm going to blow up his "boot"?

[ Both laugh ]

Hey, doc, that's g--
that's really good.

You're a regular stitch.

Oh, don't worry
about the captain.

I'll keep my eye on him.

Oh, thanks, doc.
You're swell.

Oh, you ought to think about
doing that accent for the men.

It's a k*ller.

[ Laughs ]

[ Door closes ]

[ German accent ]
These Americans are so easy.

♪ Chica-chica-boom,
chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom,
chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom,
chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica ♪

Hey, wait a minute.

It used to be
a banana right here.

Where is it?

Uh...

Yeah, well, you see,
it was such a long wait

at the train station,
and I skipped lunch.

And your hat
just looked so good.

Let me put it this way --

find another banana
or find another job.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes, Ms. Valdez.
Oh, the door.

-Hello. Hi, lupe.
-Hi.

Buenos dias.

?¿coómo estaás, love birds?
-Hi.

Lupe, I want to thank you
for letting chip

and Janet use your room.

No problema.

Love is my hobby.

Now, I have a meeting
with my band leader.

Remember, no hurry.
Take your time.

[ Laughter ]
-Oh.

Oh, Judy, thanks
for changing your mind.

Yes, thank you.

Well, I guess
I'm just sentimental.

[ Chuckles ]

Anyway, I know how precious
this time together is.

And if the u.S.O.
Doesn't understand,

to heck with them.

[ Laughter ]

Bye-bye.
-Bye, Judy.

-[ Sighs ]
-Oh.

Finally.

How long I have dreamed

of being alone with you,
Mrs. Reynolds.

Afraid you'll have
to leave.

This cabin is under official
m*llitary surveillance.

Why?!

There is a w*r going on,
soldier.

[ Sighs ]

You should be thinking about
that instead of hanky-panky.

And you, Mrs. Reynolds.
-Yeah.

[ Clicks tongue ]
A married woman.

-Yes, sir, we're going, sir.
-Bye, sir.

[ Door closes ]

Tara.

Listen, I just sewed some
extra fringe on your costume.

You're gonna love it.

Oh, hey, I'll rip it off.
It's just basted on.

Vicki, why are men
such heels?

They learn it from
high-school football coaches.

Why?

Carl's figured out
a way to fight in the w*r.

That big lug.

He isn't gonna be happy
until he gets himself hurt.

Oh, here.

Here, take it.

I've got to clean it
anyway.

[ Sniffles ]

Tara.

I'm not very experienced
in these things.

I-I mean,
I've hardly dated.

[ Sighs, sniffles ]

But in summer stock, there was
this real cute stagehand,

and we used to sit backstage
during "flea in her ear,"

and mouth the dialogue --

Vicki, what are you
talking about?

Well, maybe if you tell Carl
how you really feel,

he'll change his mind.

No, I know Carl.

If I was to tell him
how much I loved him,

I know it would
only scare him away.

Tara, it seems to me
that if you keep it a secret,

you're gonna lose him
anyway.

Oh, Judy, are you sure
this is gonna work?

I'm positive.

I've arranged
for a water volleyball game

between chip's company
and company "b."

While they're playing,
you can use the room.

Oh, great!
Oh, thanks.

You've just made this w*r
a memorable experience.

[ Both laugh ]

Here I go.

Chip, what happened
to your arm?

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, nothing.

Oh.

I faked an injury to get
out of the volleyball game.

Oh, so, do you think
we'll be safe here.

Well, the teams are
very well matched.

I think the game
might last for hours.

-Look, I said I was sorry.
-I tell you.

-Whoo.
-[ Wolf whistles ]

-Hey.
-Whoo, Whoo!

Well, Reynolds, looks like
that arm mended fast.

What happened
to the volleyball game?

Oh, well, uh, "scoop" here
spiked the first serve overboard

and it was
the only ball we had.

Yeah, I-I was trying
to give it some top spin.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Look, guys,
do me a favor

and just let us use the room
for a little while, okay?

What for?

Stefanawitz,
now I know

why you're always feeding
your face --

because
your head is empty.

Ohh.

Okay, we'll give you
five minutes.

Come on, guys,
we'll wait outside.

You know, this could make
a great human-interest story.

-Scoop.
-Uh...

Chip, no.
I-I-I can't do this,

not with a time limit

and five little ears
pressed against the door.

Yeah, me, neither.
Um...

Let's go find
somewhere else.

Okay.

Ohh!

-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.

♪ ♪

Hi, handsome.

Oh, hi, Ms. Valdez.

Oh, gosh,
I can't allow you in here.

No unauthorized personnel
on the bridge -- sorry.

[ Sighs ] I just want
a little peek.

My goodness.

You must be so smart
to know

what all of these little
dials are for.

What does
that one do?

That one?

Well, that's an oil-pressure
Gauge, Ms. Valdez,

and what that does is measure
the pressure of...Oil.

Caramba, caramba.

I wish I had
this kind of mind.

Oh, heck, I let the ship
drift off course.

That's what I get
for allowing you

to sweet-talk
you way in here, Ms. Valdez.

This is a job
that requires concentration.

I'm sorry.

You're very kind
to let me stay this long.

Well, uh,
I have to go now

and loosen up my hips
for tonight's performance.

-Ms. Valdez.
-Ooh!

Oh, captain,
i-I'm just leaving.

So, here is where
you have been hiding, huh?

-Mm.
-[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

I'll see you
at the show tonight.

Yes, I'll be watching you
like a hawk.

Good.

I hope your heart
can take it.

[ Both laugh ]

You fool!

How could you let
that mata hari

into the nerve center
of our ship?

With all due respect, sir,
I think she's harmless.

Ohh.

Yeah.

I see she left behind
a harmless little toy.

This magnet could have thrown us
off course,

and it would have been
your fault,

petty officer Smith.

We would like to remind
whoever has been selling rides

on the anti-aircraft g*n

that this w*apon is
for battle use only.

There we are.
All set.

It's a little small,
but it's all yours.

-Thanks, Judy.
-Oh.

-You're a peach.
-[ Laughs ]

Thanks, Judy.
-Bye.

Well, it's not exactly
the ritz.

No, but at least
the maid won't bother us.

We have
our own cleaning supplies.

[ Both laugh ]

Uh, well, should we...

Start with the wine
and toast the occasion?

No.

[ Blows ]

♪ ♪

Hey, troops.

We're gonna have
some fun tonight, huh?

I'm gonna put
the old camera away

and give us a chance
to get to know each othe --

off the record,
man to man.

What do you have
to say about that, huh?

[ Laughs ]

Hey, troops.

We're gonna have
some fun tonight, huh?

This magnet is
the evidence I need.

We'll nab lupe
right after the show.

Why not grab her now, sir?

Morale -- the men have been
waiting to see this.

She may be a traitor,

but she puts on
one heck of a show.

-Spoon, sir.
-Thank you.

[ Normal voice ] Good evening,
captain and...

Petty officer.

How are you feeling,
sir?

What's that supposed
to mean?

Nothing.
I'm a doctor.

How people feel is
my business.

Well, I feel fine.
[ Laughs ]

I've never felt better.

In fact, I guarantee
that I will outlive you

by years.

Good.

A positive mental outlook is
half the battle.

Enjoy the show.

♪ Pa-tink-a-doo,
pa-tink-a-tink-a-tink ♪

Ah.

♪ Pa-tink, a-tink,
a-t*nk-a-tink ♪

♪ pa-tink-a-tink,
a-t*nk, a-tink, a-tah ♪

Aah!
How am I doing, Carl?

[ Laughs ]

Tara -- I told you
she'd show up.

Carl, I'm not dancing
with Isaac.

What are you talking
about?

I've been rehearsing
all afternoon.

I've been working
all day.

What kind of crazy idea has
gotten into your head?

My head?

You're the one
who won't be happy

until you get
yourself k*lled,

who doesn't care
how I might feel about this.

I mean, damn it,
Carl!

I love you.

I love you, too,
baby.

You mean the world to me.
You know that.

How would
I know that?

Tara.

We've been together
since we were kids.

I've held your hand.

I've taped your ankles.

I've eaten the pickles
off your hamburgers

for years.

What more do you want?

I want you
to forget about the w*r

and stay here with me.

I can't do that.

Look...

All my life,
I've busted my tail

trying to make a living
at what I love.

And you know
why that dream came true?

Because we live in a country

where if you put your nose
to the grindstone,

you can make anything happen.

Sure, america's got
her problems.

But I don't want to stand by

while some pip-squeak
paperhanger

tries to take our dreams away.

"Paperhanger"?

h*tler.

Oh, I thought
it was some new dictator.

It may sound corny,
but I owe this country,

and it's time
to pay up.

All right, Carl.

But you owe me
something, too.

One last dance.

You got it.

Hey, Washington.

Hm?

Give me back my pants.

Gosh, this is gonna be
some swell show.

♪ ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Trills ]
Oh!

♪ I, yi, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I like you very much ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I think you're grand ♪

♪ whoa, whoa, whoa, you see that
when I feel your touch ♪

♪ my heart starts to b*at,
to b*at the band ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I'd like you
to hold me tight ♪

♪ you are too, too,
too, too, too divine ♪

♪ if you want to be
in someone's arms tonight ♪

♪ just be sure the arms
you're in are mine ♪

♪ and I like your lips ♪
-sií, sií!

-♪ And like your eyes ♪
-sií, sií!

♪ Would you like my hips ♪

♪ to hypnotize you? ♪

♪ Chica-chica-boom,
chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom,
chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom,
chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom,
chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ ♪

♪ See, see, see, see,
see, see, ♪

♪ see the moon above ♪

♪ way, way, way, way, way,
way up in the blue ♪

♪ ♪

Holy jumping catfish,
she gave us the slip.

Let's go!

Okay, cookie.
Here is your big, big chance.

Go out there
and give them all you got.

-Me?
-Mm-hmm.

Gosh.

One minute, a dresser.

The next, a star.

Whatever works
for you, kiddo.

Iadioós!

Adioós.

If you want a scoop,
follow me.

I'll give you a story
that'll put hair on ike's head.

[ Cheering ]

♪ ♪

[ Cheering ]

Mermaids: ♪ see, see, see,
see, see, see ♪

♪ see the moon above ♪

Janet:
[ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ]

You know, I think I'd like
to try this again sometime.

Gee, I wonder
if it'll be the same

without the scent
of babble cleanser here.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, mm.

Cold?

Yeah, a little.

[ Screaming ]

Geez,
it's Dr. Bricker!

[ Muffled grunting ]

Aha!

I got you!

I knew
you'd leave me here,

you double-crossing
[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ German accent ] I assume
that is not a compliment.

Unfortunately,
liebchen,

the gestapo has
no further use for you.

Now,
if you'll excuse me.

[ g*nsh*t ]

Aah!

Holy cow!
Nice sh*t, captain.

Thanks, but I was aiming
at one of them.

No one is going anywhere.

You're both under arrest.

Wait, captain.

No way, señorita.

I should have thrown you
in the brig long ago,

but I wanted to find out
how deep this treachery ran.

You're a fool.

Merrill: Yes, foolish enough
not to see you

for who you really are.

Doctor, how can you live
with yourself?

I don't.

I have a roommate
in stuttgart.

Captain,
what's going on?

Well, we caught ourselves
a couple of Nazis trying

to jump ship.

What in Sam hill?

If I knew I was here already,
I wouldn't have hurried.

Holy smoke.

[ Camera shutter snaps ]

[ Gasps ]

As they said
in "gouchos from rio,"

"reach for the sky,
amigos."

He's not your doctor.

He is
Klaus Von bonheim,

n*zi agent
and a master of disguise.

You should see
my Cary Grant.

You'll never get away
with this.

Your threats are
meaningless.

At this very moment,
a n*zi u-boat stands by

waiting to blow
this ship sky-high.

Ha!
That's what you think.

After you radioed
our ship position,

I change our course
away from the waiting u-boat.

But why?

Because I'm not working
for you, smarty pants.

I'm working for them.

All: Us?

Oh, yes.

My name is really juanita Cortez
from Topeka, Kansas.

I am a double-agent.

Holy moley.

Uh, would anyone mind
if I take some notes?

I fixed
this [speaks Spanish]

With the simple help
of a little magnet.

Magnet?
Uh-oh.

Captain, look --
a periscope off the portside.

What?

But that is
impossible.

It looks like
somebody uncrossed

your double cross.

♪ When I fall,
I think I fall for you ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ sií, sií, sií, sií ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I can see, see, see, see
that you're for me-e-e-e-e ♪

Whoo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, thank you!
Thank you!

Now that I'm a star,

I would like to thank
my mother and my father --

hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

This radio message
just came in.

The w*r is over.
We're going home!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Wow.

I guess the Germans heard
you were coming over

and they threw in
the towel.

Well, I may not
be seeing action,

but I will be bringing home
a w*r bride.

Congratulations!

No, it can't be over.
What about my career?

As you see,
my u-boat has arrived.

When we left port,
I asked for a depth charge --

just one,

just in case.

But, no-o-o-o-o-o!

They fired,
captain.

There's a torpedo headed
straight for us.

Battle stations!
Sound the alarm!

Prepare
to abandon ship!

Auf wiedersehen!

Captain!
[ All cheering ]

Captain, the w*r is over!
The w*r is over!

Not for us, soldier.

There's a torpedo
about to hit the ship broadside.

Holy Toledo.

No, "torpedo."

♪ O beautiful
for spacious skies ♪

♪ for Amber waves of grain ♪
-♪ for Amber waves of grain ♪

All: ♪ for purple
mountains majesties ♪

♪ above the fruited plain ♪

♪ america ♪

♪ america ♪

[ Clunk ]

What was that?

"Clunk"?

A dud.

The torpedo was a dud!

[ All cheering ]

The u-boat is
turning around!

Thank god!
We're saved!

[ All cheering wildly ]

♪ ♪

[ TV clicks ]

[ Sighs ]

Ah.
Those were the days.

The days
of the -cent matinee,

Saturday night dance,
and rumble seats.

Well, let's not forget

it was also the time
of ration stamps,

air raid drills,
and pants that wrinkled.

Yeah.

I only hope
the day doesn't come

when we have to draft passengers
for the Princess.

Right, gopher?

Gopher.

Huh, what?

Movie over?

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Sorry to bother you, captain,
but we're ready to sail.

Why, thank you,
Mr. Reynolds.

Chip...what
are you doing here?

Where's your wife,
Janet?

I-I'm not married, sir.
And my name is not chip.

Right.
I knew that.

Just had you confused
with another w*r, soldier.

Uh, sailor.

Is he all right?

No.
But he's harmless.
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