09x08 - Trouble in Paradise/No More Mister Nice Guy/The Mermaid and the Cop

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's
sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Oh, uh, excuse me.
-Yes, sir?

I'm a little bit
lost here.

I wondering if you
could help me.

All right,
what do we got here?

Fiesta cabin .
All right, sir.

You just go right up
these stairs.

-Okay?
-Thank you, I appreciate that.

Gopher, my dancing career
is ruined.

Let me guess,
somebody stole your sequin?

No,
my shower's broken.

I have a : show.

If I can't take a shower
at : ,

that means I won't be able
to do my hair and get a manicure

and have an apricot facial --

-hi, I'm Amy.
-Hi.

And I won't have time
to stretch,

which means I won't be able
to dance on the one night

a big Hollywood producer

is probably gonna be
in the audience.

And I'll be
out of show business.

Amy, would you like me
to have your shower fixed?

Oh, gopher,
you're so wonderful.

-Nice meeting you.
-Nice meeting you.

-Nice girl.
-Hmm.

Too bad
she's so withdrawn.

Hmm.

Hey, hey,
here she comes!

Here she comes!
She's coming up the gangway!

Okay, everybody,
remember our plan --

we act like
she's just another passenger.

Hi!

Together: Welcome aboard.

Guys, it's me,
Julie McCoy.

I used to work here.

Oh, phooey.
I can't stand this any longer.

-Julie!
-Captain, hi!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, I just can't believe
you're all here.

Isaac and Vicki and doc,
captain.

You can call me merrill.

No I don't think
I can, sir.

Gopher.

Oh, goph, hi.

Oh.

Where's
the lucky groom?

Oh,
Marty's in Europe.

He's scouting locations
for a film

and I just thought
this would be

the perfect opportunity
to visit with my second family.

Yeah.

Oh, speaking of families,
where's my sister?

Julie!

Judy!

You're here!

Oh, Judy, there you are!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I was held up.

I just found out
that the children's

recreation director
has the chicken pox.

Oh, don't worry!
We'll find a replacement.

I'll just check
the passenger list

for an older woman
who's looking --

sorry.
Old habits die hard.

You're a guest.
You're here to enjoy yourself.

We put in aloha .

They wanted to short sheet your
bed, but I wouldn't let them.

Come on,
I'll show you the way.

Oh, no, that's okay.
I know you're busy.

I remember the way.

I'll see
you guys later.

I knew that.

[ Fog horn blows ]

♪♪

Gopher, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Ace, I am very busy
and real short-handed.

Well, that's kind
of why I wanted to talk to you.

I heard assistant purser
nagurski missed his ship again.

That's right,
and he's out of here.

I will bail my staff
out of jail just so many times.

Uh, goph...

Hmm?

[ Sighs ]

Look, I've given this
a lot of thought.

The photography's okay,
but it's kind of dead end.

I mean, you can only
take so many x s

of tourists holding pinatas
and you start going crazy.

Ace, is this
going to be a long story?

Because
I'm really very busy.

Look, nagurski's out.

How about giving me
a chance at his job?

You want to be
the assistant purser?

You're kidding, right?
-No, I'm dead serious.

Look, in college I took a couple
of course in hotel management.

Ace, let me
ask you something.

You're gonna pester me
about this

for the rest
of the cruise, right?

Persistence
is a virtue.

It's also a pain
in the neck.

So, tell you what --
I'll give you a little test.

If you pass,
we'll see what we can do.

If you fail,
back to the darkroom

and out of my face for the rest
of the cruise, okay?

Deal.

Goph,
what's the test?

True, false,
multiple choice, essay?

I'm very good at essay.

Well, the line has made
some time-motion studies

and has determined
that personnel levels

far exceed
service demands.

You mean,
they want to fire some people.

Just two,
and the test is,

I want you
to fire them.

Oh.

Shouldn't you do that?
You're the purser.

Ace, nobody
likes to fire people.

Except nagurski.
He loved it.

♪♪

Hello there.

Who's there?

Ryan curvy.

Who's that?

Uh, we, uh,
met earlier on the stairs.

Hello?

-It's you.
-Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm Amy horton.

I'm really embarrassed
about that.

I'm afraid you caught me
at a bad time.

It's okay.

I've always heard that for
every bright light on Broadway,

there's at least one
broken shower.

[ Timer buzzes ]

Oh, that's minutes.

I better go.

Well, uh, I --

I'm not usually this forward,
but, uh,

i don't often meet girls
with such rigid time schedules.

Would you like to have dinner
with me?

I'd love to.

Really?
I mean, that's great!

Uh, : ?

Oh, I'm afraid
that's a little late.

How about...

: ?

: ?

You eat dinner at : ?

Well for a : show,

I need an hour
and a half to digest

and then I have to stretch
and get dressed and warm up

and breath
into a paper bag.

Well, uh, far be it from me
to stand in the way of stardom.

Uh, : it is.

: .

Mm-hmm.

Nice.

Strange, but, uh, nice.

Oh, look.

The lido deck,
just like I remembered it --

all the people sunning
and funning,

the pool,
the mermaid statue.

It's all the same.

Well, no,
some things have changed.

We put day-glow tape
on the shuffle board lines

so we could play
night games.

Yeah,
but it feels like home.

Yeah, it's too bad
Marty couldn't be with you.

Yeah, well, sometimes its hard
for him to get away.

Oh, look.

Isaac's bar,
just where it's always been --

so friendly, so blue.

Here you go, a sour-puss --

grapefruit juice,
a twist, and no ice.

You remembered.

Hey,
how could I forget?

I made you one of these
every day for seven years.

Still,
it's sweet of you, Isaac.

Dear, sweet Isaac.

Julie,
why don't you tell me

about your husband's
new picture?

Oh, it's just some
spy-adventure-thriller-thing

he's doing.

Say, are these new?

No.

Oh, they're
really comfortable.

Really,
really comfortable.

Real cozy.

Julie,
can I ask you something?

Is anything the matter?

Well,
what do you mean?

Every time
I mention your husband,

you change the subject.

Really?
Are those new pool tiles?

Julie, cut it out.

I know you.

Every time
you used to get depressed,

you would over compensate
by turning into Mary poppins

so the passengers
wouldn't know.

Well, you can't spoon-full
of sugar old gopher, my friend.

So, come on.

Hmm?

I left my husband.

Oh, look --
guacamole!

Marshall:
Just a minute.

Mr. Marshall,
I'm sorry to inform you

that the line
is terminating your employment.

That's good --
simple, to the point,

heartless.

Oh, hello,
young fellow.

Mr. Marshall.

I know
what you're here for.

Come on in.

[ Sighs ]

I know it's against the rules
to have a hot plate

in your room.

But when you get to be my age,
it's a big deal

to go all the way
down to the crew dining room.

So, I just heat up some soup
here in the cabin

and I got some saltines.

Doesn't take much
to make an old man happy.

Mr. Marshall,
I didn't come for the hot plate.

-You didn't?
-No.

I'm ace Evans, the ship's
photographer and, uh --

oh, well,
you can stop right there.

I know a lot of the crew have
their pictures taken to send

home to their girlfriends
and their loved ones.

But me,
I don't have anybody --

no family, no friends,

just the people
I know here on the ship.

So, I really
don't need any pictures.

I got a mirror.

Yes, sir, uh, but,
as I was saying,

I -- I didn't come
as the ship's photographer.

You see, purser Smith
is giving me a chance

at being
the assistant purser.

Well, congratulations.

Good for you.

Reach for the stars,
I always say.

Me, I never
could have got that far.

No college education.

Hell, I bummed around
odd jobs,

and then the best thing
that every happened to me,

after my wife d*ed,
was landing this job here.

Hadn't been for that, well,
I don't know.

But, there I go,
talking about myself again.

Now,
what can I do for you?

Mr. Marshall...

I just wanted
to talk to you.

Well, good for you.

The key to leadership --
get to know your employees.

It's gonna be a pleasure
serving under you, purser Evans.

I guess the soup is hot.

Want some?
It's lentil.

Sure.

It's just because of Marty's
work he's never around.

He's always off
on locations somewhere.

Well, don't you
travel with him?

Oh, sure.

I followed him all the way

from the everglades
to the himalayas.

Oh, yeah,
I got that postcard --

"greetings from the top
of the world."

Yeah, well, I had plenty
of time to write it.

Marty was usually so busy,
I spent most of my time alone.

Finally, I just went home
to our apartment in New York.

Yeah, I got
that post card, too --

"greetings from the top
of the world trade center."

He kept promising
we'd spend more time together

but then some new project
would come along

that he
just couldn't pass up.

I'm really happy
for his success,

but...

Goph, I'm lonely.

I know.

And I'm sorry.

Funny --
you're the first person

I've been able
to talk to about all this.

Well, I've cried
on your shoulder a few times.

Remember that time that I
found my girlfriend, didi --

-didi.
-In the senator's cabin?

You were a real tower
of strength for me then.

Yeah.

I don't feel very strong
right now.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Both laughing ]

I thought this would be more fun
than eating with the girls.

Is that
all you're gonna eat?

Yeah, I have a dancer's figure
to maintain.

Hmm, you were telling me
about your career plans.

Oh, right.

Well, I'm gonna dance
on the ship

until I get my big break.

And then I'm gonna move
to Broadway, or maybe Hollywood.

And hopefully become
the next Juliet prowse.

And then after a few decades,
I thought I'd retire.

Mm, and do
support hose commercials.

You want some of this?

Oh, no thanks.

I'm full.

I can't believe it,
all I've done is talk about me.

Now, it's your turn.

Well, uh, my life isn't
nearly as glamorous as yours,

but, uh, I work in Las Vegas
as a police officer.

Something wrong.

No, what could be wrong?

I've never
even been to Vegas.

Well, that's great. I'd love
to show it to you sometime.

Yeah,
that would be nice.

Gee, look at the time.

Well,
I guess I better go.

Uh, well, wait -- wait, uh,
can I see you later?

I mean, uh,
after the show, maybe?

I don't think so.

I like to go back to
the -- my cabin after the show

and reflect
on my performance.

Bye.

♪♪

Isaac: It's not really
an easy thing to explain.

Have you ever, guys,
been on the great wall of China?

You have?

There's a naked woman
giving away money in the casino.

Thanks a lot.

-We need to talk.
-Oh?

I know that you saw Julie and me
on the starlight deck,

and I just wanted to clear up
any possible misunderstanding.

You don't owe me
any explanation.

For your information,

Julie and Marty are having
some martial difficulties,

and she just needed the shoulder
of a friend to cry on.

Okay.

Wait a minute,
I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking
that your old pal, gopher,

the lone wolf
of the pacific Princess,

is stalking
this admittedly beautiful woman,

trying to take advantage of her
because she's vulnerable.

I didn't say that.

Well, you're wrong,
and I am shocked and outraged

that my best friend
would think the worst of me.

Can I talk now?

Haven't stopped you
so far.

If Julie's marriage
is in trouble,

I think
that's a wonderful thing

that she can turn to a friend
like you for support.

That's not what
you think.

I can't even talk
to you anymore.

Ms. Hershel, you're fired.

Get it out, get it over with.

It's not your problem.

[ Sighs ]

Ms. Hershel, you're...

Not dressed.

-Oh, you're ace Evans, right?
-Right.

Well, we've never met.

Um, but I've seen you
around.

Uh, would you like
to come in?

Oh, well, maybe --
maybe just for a minute.

-Ms. Hershel --
-Linda.

Linda, all right.

Uh, Linda, as a temporary
acting assistant purser,

I've been given
the unfortunate task of --

of carrying out some cutbacks
in personnel.

And since your seniority

is the least
in the beauty parlor --

um, zip.

Uh, I --

i am afraid that we're going
to have to let you go.

I'm very sorry.

Uh, do you think
I'm too busty?

I beg your pardon?

Well, a lot of guys
don't like that.

Uh, no, no.

I -- I think that you're --
you're perfect.

Uh, did -- did you hear
what I -- what I said?

Well, sure,
I heard what you said.

You said I was fired,

but there's more to life
than just a job.

And, you know,

since I'm gonna be leaving
at the end of this cruise,

that doesn't give us a lot of
time to get to know each other.

♪♪

We'll talk
more about this later when --

when you've had a chance
to get over your shock

and I've had a chance
to get over mine.

Gopher: Always --
was always the same.

I know, I know,
always the same.

I still say Julie's
the all-time matchmaker.

Remember when she got
that hare krishna together

with that Las Vegas
showgirl?

-Oh, my gosh.
-Oh, yeah.

They sent a picture
of the wedding.

It was all saffron
and sequins.

Yeah.

You know, Julie,
you were my favorite babysitter

because you let
me stay up all night.

Hey, you promised
you wouldn't tell.

-I'm sorry.
-Excuse me.

Sis, when is Marty
getting back from Europe?

Uh, actually,
I don't know.

I bet you miss him.

How about a toast?

Okay, let me see here,
where should I start?

Gosh, so much I should say,
so much I could say,

but who here among us can really
put in words the feelings

that we all feel, hmm?

-I can.
-Sir, yes, of course.

Ladies and gentlemen,
captain stubing.

To Julie,

we wish you as much happiness
in your new life

as you brought to us
when you were a part of ours.

Thank you.

Here, here.

I can do this.

Mr. Marshall?

-Oh, hi, ace.
-Hi.

Here, hold this for me,
will you, please?

Yeah.

And to think I used to throw
away b*rned out lightbulbs.

Yeah,
Mr. Marshall --

and then one day, I decided
there must be something that --

that b*rned-out lightbulbs
would be good for.

So I started
saving them.

Saved over , of them.

Mr. Marshall, you, uh --

you saved over ,
b*rned-out lightbulbs?

Yeah,
people thought I was crazy,

and then I found this orphanage
down in cabo San Lucas.

Kids didn't have much,
so I gave them these bulbs.

And they thought
I was Santa claus.

Know what
they do with them, ace?

No.

They tie them up in bunches,
and then they paint them purple

so they'll look
more like grapes.

Then you know what they
do with them, ace?

They sell them,
and they earn enough each year

so that at Christmas time, they
can buy themselves a little toy,

which they all share.

That's why I never throw away
a b*rned-out lightbulb.

Well, if -- if I see any,
I'll save them for you.

You're a good man, ace.

If I had son,
I'd want him just like you.

-Aw.
-Now good night.

I can't fire
Santa claus.

Oh,
I almost forgot.

There was this guy looking
for you after the show tonight.

Who?

Ryan something.

What did you
tell him about me?

Not much, just that we'd been
friends since Vegas.

How could you tell
him about Vegas?

What's the big deal?

Lots of people
work in Las Vegas.

It's nothing
to be ashamed of.

It never
bothered Joan rivers.

What are you doing?

Leaving.

That guy who was
looking for me, he's a cop.

So?

So?
I'm a criminal, that's so.

I am a wanted woman.

What are you wanted for,
jaywalking?

Stealing $ ,
from the motherload casino.

I'm telling you,
tonight is not my night.

Wait a minute.
Wait -- whoa.

Wait a minute.

This machine
is just about to pay off.

It's talking to me.
-What's it saying?

"Play me!
Play me!"

You got a quarter?
-Uh, yeah.

-Okay.
-Here you go.

-All right.
-Good luck.

Pull the lever.

All right!
All right!

Okay, I knew it.

I got a nose
for jackpots.

Oh, look at this.

I must have $
in quarters.

All right,
you want to go to the tables

and try
and win some paper money?

Oh, let's not
press our luck.

It took you four hours
to win the $ .

Okay,
what should we do?

All right.

Let's go up on the bridge
and play with the radar.

-What do you say?
-Hey, oh, hey, hey.

Slow down, captain fun.

Why don't we just go out
for a nice, leisurely walk

on the deck?

Okay, all right.

I don't think
I could make it up to the bridge

with all this silver in
my pockets anyway.

Oh, gopher,
you make me laugh.

I haven't had this much fun
in a long time.

Well, it's nice
to see you smile again.

Gopher,
you're very special to me.

I don't think
there's anybody

who can make
me feel so comfortable.

Yeah, I'm kind of
the old shoe of friends.

No, I mean it.

I don't think I realized
how much I cared about you

until I came back.

I think...

I think I love you, goph.

I love you, Julie.

Well, the whole crew
loves you.

They always have.

I don't think
you understand.

What I mean is...

I think i'm
in love with you.

-You mean, this kind --
-of in love with you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Well, I guess
this is good-bye.

I'm going to Mexico
to live out my life

as a fugitive
in Spanish Harlem.

Amy, Spanish Harlem's
in New York.

Okay, Mexican Harlem,
Colombian Harlem. I don't care.

[ Knocking ]

Oh, Ryan!
What a surprise.

Gee,
look at the time.

I should've been out that door
minutes ago.

Looks like you're planning
a trip.

What makes you
say that?

Because you're sitting
on a packed suitcase and, uh,

i believe this is a street map
of mazatlaán right here.

Would you look at that?

Mm-hmm.

Amy, I'm a policeman.

I know when someone's
hiding something.

I, uh,
made a few phone calls.

I know all about it.

-You made phone calls about me?
-Hey, I'm a detective.

It's a professional habit
to be curious, okay?

Wait a minute,
why am I defending myself?

You're involved
in a felony.

I know.

Amy, I'm not talking to you
as a policeman now.

I'm talking to you
as a friend.

Would you tell me
what happened?

Well, there was this dealer
at the motherload casino

where I was dancing --
Freddy.

Mm-hmm.

We went out a few times,
and he asked me to put a package

in the locker
at the bus station.

I didn't know there was $ ,
he stole from the casino.

Now I'm an accomplice.

Freddy told me
if I ever said anything,

I wouldn't live
to regret it.

Uh, Amy, I'm gonna take care
of this, okay?

In the meantime,
I want you to stay right here.

Do not leave
this cabin, okay?

Ah!

♪♪

-Gopher, I got to talk to you.
-Ace, can this wait?

My life is a little
topsy-turvy right

at the moment,
if you don't mind.

I talked to Linda
and Max,

and I think we're making
a big mistake letting them go.

Linda happens to be
a first-rate beautician.

Did you know
that she got straight a's

at the Burbank school
of beauty and manicure?

You didn't fire her,
did you?

Yes, I did fire her,
and she took it very well.

She's got a lot
of spirit and backbone --

just the kind of employee
we should keep.

Ace, she's coming on
to you, right?

Right?

I wouldn't say that.

Ace, come over here.

Come on.

What?

Have a seat, please.

Now, I want you to try and be
objective about this, all right?

You have just fired
a very beautiful woman,

and an hour later,

she becomes an indispensable
part of your life.

Now wouldn't you say,
maybe, just maybe,

she's manipulating you
just a little bit?

Linda wouldn't do that.

Her's mother's
a missionary.

Her mother is
a Blackjack dealer in Reno.

Ace, buddy,
you've been had.

Oh.
[ Sighs ]

I know how hard
it is to fire Linda,

nagurski's been trying
to do it for years.

Well, what about Max?

I mean, he's such a nice,
old guy.

The man is a Saint.

That's why no ship
has ever been able to fire him.

They just keep transferring
him from ship to ship.

Ace,
this is his last ship.

You got to can him.

I just can't do it.

You want to be
the assistant purser?

You got to do it.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Hi, Mr. Marshall.

Oh, hi, there,
young fella.

How's it going?

Get that big
promotion yet?

Well, uh, not -- not yet.

You will, you will.

You're a young fella that's
going straight to the top.

Oop.

Keep sucking
up the little ball.

It's a nuisance.

Uh, Max...

[ Sighs ]

I'm a-- I'm afraid
I have some bad news for you.

The line
has to make some cutbacks,

and, uh, well, Max, uh,

they told me
that I have to let you go.

Oh, I'm being transferred
to another ship.

It's happened lots of times.

I'm used to it.

Max, you're not being
transferred.

You're being terminated.

Terminated?

Oh, oh, you mean fired.

Never use the word "terminated"
with an older person.

Max, if you'd like
to take the rest of the day off,

I'm sure
it'd be all right.

No, no, no, no.
That's okay.

I got work to do.

[ Knocking ]

I'm all ready, gopher,
let me just get my purse.

Uh, Julie...

I don't think
we should go into mazatlaán,

not after last night.

I know what
you're thinking, gopher.

You're thinking I haven't
thought this thing through,

and you want to do
the right thing

by stepping back so Marty
and I can work this out.

Actually, I was just trying
to keep from getting hurt.

I'm not looking back,
goph.

I've given Marty
every chance to change,

but he
just wouldn't budge.

If he'd ever given me
even one indication

he was willing to change,
I'd feel differently.

You're sure
this is over?

I'm sure.

I cabled him last night,

told him I thought
it best we ended it.

I said I understood his choices
were great for his career,

but that a marriage
needs more.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry
that things

did not work out
between you and Marty.

On the other hand,
I am in love with you.

So things could be
a lot worse.

We've been
through this before.

Do you really mean it?

I really mean it.

♪♪

Now what do we do?

Now we catch the launch
into beautiful mazatlaán,

where --
-i remember --

azure seas kiss
the white sands

of a snorkeling, shopping,
and parasailing paradise.

Ah!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
launches are still leaving

for beautiful mazatlaán,

where azure seas
kiss the white sands

of a snorkeling, shopping,
and parasailing paradise.

♪♪

-Hi.
-Hi.

Well, I guess
she's not coming back.

No, it doesn't look
like she is.

I really thought
she'd change her mind.

What she's doing
doesn't make any sense.

Well, let's face it -- there's
only one thing flakier than Amy.

It's made out of corn,
and you pour milk over it.

Well,
what do you know?

Amy, you're back.

Yeah, I guess I am.

So you decided to face
the music, huh?

What changed your mind?

Well, I could tell
I was gonna have

a little trouble
finding work.

All the want ads
were in Spanish.

I think you made
the right choice, Amy.

I do too.

I'll probably get all the leads
in the prison musicals.

Hey, I got it.

Why did you keep
buying me all these souvenirs?

Because I wanted to prove to you
that I can be a good provider.

As long as you're with me,

you will never want
for straw donkeys.

Hmm.

♪♪

I hope you're not in a hurry
to go, amigo.

Oh, please, please, please.

Allow me.

I have a master.

These are probably
from captain stubing.

You know what
a sentimental guy he is.

They're from Marty.

Somehow, I knew that.

He wants to meet me
back in Los Angeles.

Well,
I think that's, um...

You know what?
Night shift is coming on.

I really ought to be there
to welcome them to their ship.

♪♪

♪♪

Linda, keep your hands off me.

You're fired.

I can't save your job.

Hi, ace.

Come on in.

Well, uh, I -- I don't think
that's a good idea, uh, Linda.

Linda?

I have some
almond oil warming.

I used to work as a masseuse,
and I like to keep in practice.

Linda, you remember
when I told you you were fired?

Uh-huh, I remember.

Did you talk to gopher
and work it all out?

Well, no.
Uh, yeah,

uh, oh, I mean,
I -- I -- talked to him,

and -- and, uh,
he said -- could --

could -- could --
could you not do that.

Look, Linda,
you're a beautiful woman,

and I'm sure
you are a fine beautician.

And you're
a great masseuse.

But there's
nothing I can do.

You're still fired.

Good night, and I will lie awake
thinking about you...

For months.

♪♪

I did it.

Fired them both.

Congratulations.

I feel so rotten.

Well, of course you do.

You care about people.

When you care, you're bound
to get hurt sometime.

But if you love somebody,
I mean,

if you really,
really love them,

then you have to do
what's best for them,

even if it hurts --
even if it tears you up inside.

You got to do
what you know is right.

What are we talking
about here, gopher?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking
about my own problems.

Look, ace,
Linda's gonna be fine.

And as far as Max
is concerned, well,

if I were king
of the world,

Max would live
happily ever after.

But I'm not,

and there are some things
I just can't do.

Thanks.

Look, whatever it is
that's bothering you,

I hope it works out
all right.

-See ya.
-Bye.

We missed you
at dinner.

I don't really feel
like eating.

That's what I told them.

I said that we filled up
on jumbo burritos in mazatlaán.

Thanks.

I didn't eat
anything either.

I figured it'd make
the story look good.

I'm not supposed
to tell you this,

but the captain is planning
to throw a surprise party

for you
in his cabin tonight.

I don't think
I could face it.

Oh, gopher,
I'm so confused.

My problem is I'm in love
with two men.

But you're only married
to one of them, Julie.

I was so sure
that was over,

then his telegram said
my leaving really shook him up.

He's giving up the movie

and taking three months
off so we can work things out.

I knew it.

He used the oldest negotiating
trick in the book --

gave in
to all your demands.

Oh, when did this have
to get so complicated?

It would be so much easier
to run off with you --

start all over.

True.

But I'd never
be able to send you roses.

Julie, look.

You made a commitment
to a man you love,

but now that's he's willing
to change what's wrong...

You got to go back
and give it another try.

I didn't mean
to hurt you, gopher.

Well, that's a risk
we both took.

You know,
you fall head over heels,

you don't always
land on your feet.

Isn't that profound?

You are a good friend.

I know.

So...
Want to go to a party?

I think I'll need
a minute.

My eyes must be red
from crying.

Here, a drop in each eye.

Worked for me
just before dinner.

[ Up-b*at music playing ]

[ Applause ]

What's the matter?

Go ahead without me.

I can't do it.

Woman: Ladies and gentlemen,
the international lounge

is proud
to present the mermaids.

[ Applause ]

♪ Come on, babe ♪

♪ why don't we paint the town? ♪

Together:
♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ I'm gonna Rouge my knees
and roll my stockings down ♪

Together:
♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ start the car ♪

♪ I know a whoopee spot ♪

♪ where the gin is cold ♪

♪ but the piano's hot ♪

♪ it's just a noisy hall ♪

♪ where there's
a nightly brawl ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ slick your hair
and wear you buckle shoes ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ I hear that father dip ♪

♪ is gonna blow the blues ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ hold on, hon,
we're gonna bunny hug ♪

♪ I bought some aspirin
down at united drug ♪

♪ in case you shake apart
and want a brand new start ♪

♪ to do that jazz ♪

♪ to do that jazz ♪

♪ oh, I'm gonna see
my sheba shimmy shake ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ oh, she's gonna shimmy
till her garters break ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ show her where
to park her girdle ♪

♪ oh, her mother's
blood'd curdle ♪

♪ if she'd hear
her baby squeal ♪

♪ for all that jazz ♪

♪ oh, you're gonna see your
sheba shimmy shake ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ oh, I'm gonna shimmy
till her garters break ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ show her where
to park her girdle ♪

♪ oh, her mother's
blood'd curdle

♪ if she'd hear
her baby squeal ♪

Amy, why aren't you
out there?

I just couldn't.

I'm a criminal.

I'd be dancing a lie.

I, uh, I have some news
for you, Amy.

Uh, I've been on the phone
all day with the Las Vegas d.A.

I'll go peacefully.

It's not what
you're thinking.

Freddy's been arrested,
tried, convicted.

He's doing .

That's great!

Oh, that's not so great.

If he's doing ,
that means I'll probably get .

I'll be so old
when I get out.

I'll be !

Uh, Amy, you have nothing
to worry about. Believe me.

The d.A.
Believed your story.

-He did?
-Mm-hmm.

All you have to do
is sign a deposition

when you get back to L.A.,

and this whole mess
will be behind you.

Oh, Ryan, I'm so happy.

What can I ever do
to thank you?

Well, why don't you go out
and finish your number?

-I'll think of something.
-Okay.

Oh, I almost forgot
my chair.

♪ If she'd hear
her baby squeal ♪

♪ for all that jazz ♪

♪ no, I'm no one's wife ♪

♪ but, oh, I love my life ♪

♪ and aaall thaaat jaaazz ♪

♪ that jazz ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good-bye, Mr. Smith.

Good-bye, Max.

I'm sorry
about everything.

Oh, don't be.
Don't be.

Thanks to ace here, i'm
the happiest man in the world.

This wonderful young man

got me a job working
with underprivileged kids.

Got me an apartment, too.

I never knew being fired
could be so much fun.

Well, see you around.
-Bye-bye.

-Here you go, Max.
-Thanks again, ace.

-Right.
-And, uh, thanks for the car.

Thanks for the car?

All right,
I helped him out a little.

My father got him a job
working for the city.

Oh, that's nice.

That's nice.
Probably doesn't pay very much.

But at least
he'll have enough to get by.

Well, actually,
it doesn't pay anything.

I'll be paying him $ ,
a year out of my own trust,

but technically,
I did fire him.

Good looks, lots of money,
heart of gold,

should've been
a mountie.

So did I get the job?

Oh, sure you get the job.

Great.

Same pay,
months probation.

Make one mistake
and you're out of here.

And you're still
the ship's photographer.

Congratulations.

Oh.

Linda, Linda, I hope
there are no hard feelings.

Swine!

Well, I'm glad
you could sail with us.

Hope you do it
again soon.

Oh, thank you, captain.

I think
he was talking to me.

I definitely plan to take you up
on that offer.

Good.

And I'm just going into town
to sign some papers.

So don't take off
without me.

Airplanes take off,
ships sail.

Oh, well, whatever,
but don't do it without me.

All right, but look, I want
to be in this one, all right?

Uh, oh, sir?
Sir?

Uh, excuse me, would you mind
taking a picture of us?

All right, all you have to do
is look through here,

and then you just press --
-i know, I know.

My company makes these.

Oh.

Company makes them.

Smile!

One more, just for fun.

Uh, everybody do
something goofy!

Okay.

-Thank you.
-Captain!

-Yes!
-Where have you been?

Where have I been?

I have been
outside saying good-bye

to the passengers
by myself.

Oh, sir, it's all my fault
they're here.

I wouldn't leave the ship
without a few pictures.

Hey, Julie,
promise to write?

No, but I will call
more often.

Good-bye, Julie.

Bye, merrill, sir.

Oh, this is so hard.

I'm gonna miss you all
so much.

Well, you and Marty
will just have to come back.

-Yeah.
-Thanks, we will.

Well, bye.
Goph, come here a minute.

-Bye, Julie.
-Bye.

Judy: You call!

Goph, thanks
for saying the right thing

at the right time.

Mm-hmm.

Well, right now...

I'm speechless.

♪♪

♪♪