01x05 - Do the Ramadan

[bunniefuu]

[MOANING, SIGHING]

[LAUGHING SOFTLY]

[RECORDED ARABIC PRAYER RINGTONE]

Oh.

Oh.

- - Oh, man.

It's really late, huh? - SARAH: What? - It's, like It's, like, after 4:00.

You're probably really tired.

Wait, what was on your phone? It's, uh, it's just, like, it's a prayer notification, 'cause the sun's about to rise.

So Do you wanna pray after we're done? - [LAUGHS]

- Oh.

I I can't have sex.

Today's the first day of Ramadan, so we can't eat or drink or have sex from sunrise to sunset.

So, what, you can only f*ck at night? I actually can't at all.

I mean, I'm never really supposed to, unless I'm, you know, married to the person, but, um you know, obviously I do, but this month I I try to be, you know I try to get rid of all distractions.

I-I think that's amazing.

- Really? - SARAH: Yeah.

I can't even fast for, like, one day for Yom Kippur.

I have to eat, like, ten pieces of cake and hide it from my grandpa, or he'll cry.

[LAUGHS]

- He'll cry? - SARAH: Yeah.

Yeah, like, what are you doing here? You should go.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

I am, I am.

I just I wanted to see you, too, so I was trying to make it all work, but f*ck that.

If you're gonna do it, do it.

RAMY: Yeah.

Yeah, no.

I'm I'm gonna do it.

Great.

So I'll see you in, like, 30 days.

Yeah.

I'll see you in 30 days.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER IN-STORE P.

A.

]

Ramy.

Pick up the engraving from the Chinese.

You're eating too? It It's Ramadan.

Ramadan is tomorrow.

A real Muslim would know this.

Everybody I know is fasting today.

That's because they're following Saudi.

I don't answer to Saudi Arabia.

The most corrupt country in the world.

I thought that was Israel.

They're Jews.

They don't know any better.

Muslims should.

You decide to fast, I'll turn my back out of respect for you.

Okay, whatever.

Look, I'm gonna go pray, all right? I'll be back in a couple of minutes.

NASEEM: It's the first time you've prayed since you started.

I haven't seen you pray at all.

Habibi I don't pray because it's between me and Allah.

I don't show off or make announcement, huh? Yeah? It's called humility.

You're very serious about this Ramadan, huh? - RAMY: I'll be back.

- [LAUGHS]

MAYSA: [SPEAKING ARABIC]

[CHATTER ON TV]

FAROUK: [SPEAKING ARABIC]

[LAUGHS, CONTINUES IN ARABIC]

When did you wear this last? Eighth grade? Lookin' a little short there.

Yeah, well, we haven't been to Egypt in a while, it's the only one I have.

Dude, you look like the fobs that DM me on Facebook.

It's very, [IN A THICK ACCENT]

"Please marry me, my queen.

" - Show me their picture.

- Mom, ew.

No.

RAMY: It's called being traditional, all right? Mm-hmm.

How was everyone's first day of fasting? Alhamdulillah.

[TV CONTINUES]

You guys want to pray maghrib before we eat? Shh.

Shh.

Please.

Please.

You know, I I think I might go to the mosque tonight to pray taraweeh.

Or read some Qur'an at home, if anybody wants to Ramy, please.

This is the first episode.

If we miss that, we're gonna be lost for the rest of the month.

Please.

It seems the shows are gonna be good this year.

Hmm? - Good trailers means good shows.

- Mm-hmm.

Good Ramadan, insha'Allah.

"Allah.

" "Allah Allah.

" [SIGHS]

MO: Man, this "!sis f*g" sh*t it couldn't come at a better time.

Ramadan and hate crime? My God, I couldn't pay for that kind of publicity.

This is great.

Look at this place.

It's jammin'! - It's amazing.

- May You think that I could get my food? Hey, take it easy, all right? Paying customers eat first.

Freeloaders eat last.

You know this.

It's, like, five minutes until fajr.

You really gonna be one of those Ramadan Muslims, okay? You can't be jerkin' off all year, then all of a sudden turn into Malcolm X.

Thank you, Rana, habibti.

[SPEAKS ARABIC]

Here you go.

[SPEAKS ARABIC]

All right? Enjoy that.

- How long - Look, it's all about intention.

You placed your order before sunup.

You're fine.

[SPEAKS ARABIC]

Here you go.

All right? By the way, all that app sh*t most of it is garbage.

How do you think they did it back in the time of the Prophet? Look at that.

That's how they did it.

That's real Muslim right there.

That's old-school.

Walk out, the sun's up, "Hey, guess what, guys, don't eat.

" Sun's down, "Eat.

" It's very simple.

You don't have to complicate things.

Right? - He knows what I'm saying.

- Is it time? Too much light pollution.

I can't tell if it's the sun or that new Target that opened up on 17th.

That sh*t glows, man.

So I stopped eating an hour ago, just to be safe.

[RECORDED PRAYER RINGTONE]

You really are taking this seriously, huh? - Very seriously.

- RAMY: I have to, man.

I really need this Ramadan, dude.

Last time I was half in, half out.

This Ramadan, no women, I'm not gonna watch p*rn, I'm just gonna be focused.

No p*rn.

This guy says no p*rn.

- AHMED: It's gonna be tough.

- No way.

- What do you mean I'm gonna - MO: You.

You are not gonna - What do you mean, me? - MO: I give you 24 hours.

Impossible.

You won't make it a day.

You don't watch p*rn? - MO: Mnh-mnh.

- I actually don't.

It's gross, man.

I need something real, like a connection.

Like a memory.

Like the memory of me and my wife when we were in love and on our honeymoon.

We were in Paris.

It was amazing.

Looking into her eyes? That's what I masturbate to.

The raw passion.

That's the f*ckin' weirdest thing I've ever heard.

I don't think anybody knows what you're saying, honestly.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Can we just, like, not talk about this right now? MO: Yeah.

Don't try to ruin this for me, okay? - Everything's poppin' off.

- Committed sex is beautiful.

You guys gonna pray, or what? Yeah, the sheikh has spoken.

Let's make it happen.

AHMED: Outtie, man.

[MAN PRAYING IN ARABIC]

[PRAYING IN ARABIC]

[MEN JOIN IN]

[LEADER CONTINUES PRAYING]

[MEN JOIN IN]

[LEADER CONTINUES]

Ouch.

LEADER: Allahu Akbar.

ALL: Allahu Akbar.

- LEADER: Allahu Akbar.

- ALL: Allahu Akbar.

SHAWN: Yo, Ramy! - LEADER: Allahu Akbar.

- ALL: Allahu Akbar.

- Yo.

Yo.

Ramy.

- [MEN CONTINUE PRAYING]

Oh, yeah.

[LEADER RECITES PASSAGE]

[MEN REPEAT PASSAGE]

Hey, man.

- I'm sorry about that.

Hey.

- RAMY: It's all right.

- No.

No worries, man.

- SHAWN: How are ya? - It's been a while, dude.

- SHAWN: Yeah, yeah, no, - long f*ckin' time, bro.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

Listen, man, what-what is this you guys are doin'? Is that that, um that prayer sh*t that you do? - Yeah, you know, it's Ramadan, so - SHAWN: Ramadan.

we were just eating before the sun rises, and prayin'.

- Yeah.

- Dope.

That's sick.

That's sick, man.

Ramadan.

Cool.

- You good? - SHAWN: Yeah.

Yeah, ah, well, nah.

Nah, I'm not, man.

I'm workin' this construction job, these f*ckin' early-ass hours, and But I need 'em, I knocked this bitch up in Jersey City last year, and you know how these b*tches are, just trappin' everyone they can.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- You know, so I had to find a job real quick, and, uh, we're rebuilding that bridge over in Newark.

- Dope.

Yeah, man.

- Yeah.

I've been on it.

Well, dude, - it was really good seein' ya.

- And a few months ago, uh, they found a lump on my mom.

[SIGHS]

They found it late, ya know, I mean, we got her at Hackensack now, and I mean, she's a fighter, man, but I I don't know, ya know? I mean, we don't know what's gonna happen.

- I'm sorry, man.

- SHAWN: Yeah.

- And, uh - f*ck.

and I see you doin' this prayers, and, ya know, it just got me thinkin', like I'm not religious or nothin', ya know, but I'm feelin' like I could use a little help from up there.

- RAMY: Of course, man.

- Ya know? So listen, do do me a favor, all right? Pray for her.

Okay? Dude, I I will, man.

I'm gonna pray for her, and I'll pray for your whole family, man.

- I'm sorry, dude.

- No, no, no.

Just do another one of those right now, real quick, okay? Well, ya know, we just did it, and we actually, we pray five times a day, so I'm gonna get her on the next one.

It's my f*ckin' mom, bro.

All right? She's got stage 4 breast cancer, I know how the day goes, you're a busy guy, just throw one down for her.

Real quick.

Okay? Come on, man, I know you're keepin' Steve alive with all this sh*t, right? Nobody thought he'd have all those birthdays.

Don't break my balls.

Do the Ramadan.

- Okay.

- SHAWN: Thank you.

Her life is in your hands.

Okay? - All right.

All right.

- Okay.

You don't wanna take your shoes off? [SNIFFS]

You don't wanna do it, like, out loud like you were doin' it before? Ya know? Like, loud? [PRAYING IN ARABIC]

Her name is Jackie.

[LILTING]

Jackie.

[SPEAKS ARABIC]

Jackie [SPEAKS ARABIC]

Shawn Shawn.

- [SPEAKS ARABIC]

Allah.

- SHAWN: Yeah.

[NOTIFICATION PING]

[MOANING]

[PANTING]

[CHATTER]

- Oh.

- [MAN GRUNTS]

RAMY [WHISPERS]

: Yo.

Salaams.

MO: Sit down, bro.

- Bro, what are you wearing, bro? - RAMY: What? MO: What is this? I mean, seriously.

You look like Muammar Gaddafi.

It's a galabiya, bro.

I I mean, I I know it's a galabiya, I love galabiyas.

Nobody's talking about the galabiya.

I'm talking about you in this galabiya.

It's a little bit short, all right? It's an old one.

It looks like a Muslim mini-skirt for a man.

I mean, it's really too much.

Why are you wearing a track suit? It looks dope.

Don't be jealous, okay? Run-DMC, baby.

Run-DMC all day.

RAMY: You look like a Russian basketball coach.

- MO: Leave my track suit out of this.

- I think I look good.

- MO: Yeah, yeah, you look good.

- Yeah.

MO: For a six-year-old girl.

You're gonna ruin this whole meeting.

It's very frustrating.

- What meeting? - MAN: [SPEAKING ARABIC]

Straighten the lines.

Fill in the gaps.

[SPEAKS ARABIC]

LEADER: Allahu Akbar.

ALL: Allahu Akbar.

[LEADER CONTINUES IN ARABIC]

[SNORING]

WIFE: Ali's been running around all night.

Can you take him for just a little bit so I can read the Qur'an in peace? I might have to step out.

My love, you can't even pray without taking a business call? Hooah! You want me to pray or you want me to take care of Ali? - What do you want? - Okay.

He has fun up there.

There's more room to run.

[SIGHS]

Are you freaking kidding me? Have you not seen the women's section? It's a freaking closet.

HUSBAND: Don't curse in the mosque.

There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

Yeah, I know her.

She's like a Muslim Erin Brockovich, man.

Always protesting somethin'.

TVs, air-conditioning, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, dude, the women's section sounds terrible.

Have you even been there? No.

It's the women's section.

Nobody goes up there except women.

Come on.

Come on, we're late.

We have to go to the meeting, bro.

What's this meeting, man? You keep saying that.

What do you mean what am I talking about? Look around, man.

Ramadan, baby.

This is Coachella for Muslims.

Come on.

Got fly hijabis runnin' everywhere.

This is prime marriage season.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Why are you being You're so aggressive, you're like - Because that's what you need, okay? - Ramy.

There's no way to get you to do anything else.

- Oh, man, this is amazing.

- Thank you Goin' back to your roots.

That's what I've been trying to say.

She's gonna like it.

- Who? - AHMED: My cousin.

She's visiting for a few nights.

She's lookin' for a partner.

Bro, I knew it.

I knew you guys were doing this, man.

I told you, I don't want to be set up.

- Dude - I came here to pray.

That's it.

You said you want to do it the right way.

The Imam already set it up.

She's waiting for you in the office.

The Imam? Bro, this is so weird, dude.

That's weird? Come on, give me a break, okay? You're in a safe place, you got Islamic permission.

Stop it, okay? You're on Tinder, swiping.

That's what's really weird.

Look, maybe if you gave some of these Muslim girls a chance you wouldn't feel the urge to have sex with random women and watch p*rn.

- I don't watch that much p*rn.

- AHMED: You watch a lot of p*rn.

I watch a normal amount of p*rn.

MO: You got sick things in your brain.

- You watch so much p*rn.

- No, I don't.

- You do.

You smell like it.

- RAMY: And I know you watch p*rn.

- I smell like it? - MO: Shh! It's gonna be fine, bro.

Just get down there.

- Salaam.

- RAMY: Um, salaams.

FARIDA: Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

To be perfectly honest, I made the intention to meet with multiple people on this trip for the purpose of marriage.

I know that this might sound a little weird, but I don't wanna waste my time.

Or yours.

Yeah.

We'll start with an easy one.

How would you describe yourself? I work for my uncle in the diamond district.

It's not really who I am, but it's what I do.

Do you enjoy the work? I don't not like it, you know, but it's not really, um It's it's just temporary.

I see.

So what are your goals for this life? This life? Yeah.

Before the Day of Judgement.

I mean, where do you see yourself in ten years? For me, um, in five years, I would like to be finished with nursing school and hopefully married.

In ten years, I would like to have three kids, a home, a career.

What are you building towards? Yeah, you know, I'm not really, like, a big planner, you know? I'm kinda more like an in-the-moment kind of guy.

Like, just figuring it out very day-by-day, like, um, like the Prophet, I think? And, um, I feel like this Ramadan, for me, is really about figuring out what I want.

You know? I've had some trouble trying to figure that out, and, if I'm being honest, sometimes I wish I hadn't crossed some of the that lines I did, you know, and and I feel like I wish I had never had sex.

I just think about myself, like, before I had sex, like, I was so happy.

Like, I remember it.

I was just, like, so just pure and, like, and I just, like like, I loved, like, every movie.

You know? Like, if there was a movie on, I was just, like, "Look at that.

They did it.

" Like, I was just happy for, like, the production, you know? And then I has sex and I just started to, like, hate everything, and I just started seeing all these plot holes, 'cause it's, like, once you have sex, you just you just care about plot.

And, um Yeah.

So I don't know, I I just feel like I, um I wanna get back to that, I wanna I wanna just, you know, spend some time with me and then figure out what I want from someone else.

Well, I think it's a really attractive quality when a guy can recognize his faults.

Yeah? Well, I mean, I I have a lot of faults, and, you know, recognize 'em a lot.

You can turn to God at any time and ask for forgiveness.

No strings attached.

So how much of the Qur'an do you have memorized? - How many suras? - You know, the classics.

FARIDA: And beyond those? You do read Arabic, right? I-I read the Qur'an in English.

I want my kids to read Arabic.

Totally, no, I think they should, I mean, I think that you could, you know, you gotta teach the kids Arabic, and I actually feel like when I have kids, I'll just I'll take the class with them.

So this way, it's like a bonding thing, like me and them, and and then they're like, "Wow, Dad's still learning too," I think is a valuable lesson.

The adult brain stops developing at twenty-five, so it's much harder to learn languages.

It'll never stick.

[DOG BARKING, BIRDS CHIRPING]

f*ck.

Mom.

Why didn't anybody wake me up? I didn't get to eat anything.

[SPEAKS ARABIC]

I tried to wake you up, but you kept sleeping.

Why didn't you try harder? I tried, but you said you were very tired.

Y-You believed me? I'm gonna be hungry all day now.

I know you're trying to take Ramadan seriously and all, but getting angry breaks your fast, so you might as well just eat something if you're gonna be a basic bitch.

You're not even fasting.

I know you're not.

This is whatever.

I'll make you some koshary tonight.

No, Mom, I'm just gonna eat at the mosque, okay? They'll have food.

I'm fasting.

[CHATTER]

Salaam alaykum, brother.

Peace and blessings be upon you.

Walaikum salaam.

How's your Ramadan? You know, honestly, it's not really been that great.

- It's been - MO: We're good, bro, all right? - Salaams, brother.

- Yeah, walaikum salaam, bro, I see you, okay? [SPEAKING SPANISH]

Come on, man, let's go.

Don't be a f*ckin' idiot.

He's undercover, bro.

- What? - Dude's Dominican.

Straight-up Dominican.

FBI's not even trying anymore.

They're f*ckin' lazy.

- Stop.

- Just puttin' anybody in here now.

Yeah, he is.

Hundred percent.

Who says "Salam alaykum" and "Peace be upon you"? - Muslims.

Muslims say that.

- Nobody says it twice.

He said it twice.

Translated it for you.

Who translated that? By the way, you really f*cked up that thing with Farida.

Okay? Ahmed's over there rescheduling other dudes.

I dude, I don't care about that, man.

That That was messed up, dude.

That really put me in my head.

[SIGHS]

It's all mental, bro.

Get over it.

- I work with food all day.

- WIFE: Excuse me.

Do you have a silver Camry? RAMY: I bet this women can't find her kid or something.

Excuse me, do you have a silver Camry? MO: What is she complaining about now? Dude.

Honestly, they can't find their kids 'cause they let them run around everywhere, we need, like, a kidnapping at this mosque.

Just one kid's gotta go so that everyone can learn.

Oh, my kidnapping? It's Ramadan, bro, have some compassion.

Although it might work.

WIFE: Do you have a silver Camry? All right, just make me a plate.

MO: Make you what? Where you goin'? Just make me one, dude.

I'll be right back.

MO: Dude, I was just kidding.

Ramy! Does anyone here have a silver Camry? There has to be a silver Camry, because it's blocking my car.

I know someone has a silver Camry.

Do you know anyone who has it? It's the most common car in the world [SPEAKING ARABIC]

Sister, hey, is there something I can help you with? No, do you have a silver Camry? No, I don't.

I It's My car is penned in the parking lot, and it's penned by a silver Camry, and I need to get home All right, sister, we can just have the mosque make an announcement, - and I'm sure we'll find - WIFE: An announcement? Do you think anyone here listens to announcements at this mosque? It's just, like, do you even come here? [SIGHS]

I need to get home.

My son needs his insulin, and I did not put it in my purse today and he might go into shock, and of course, today [TEARFULLY]

my husband decides to travel, again, um All right, look, it-it's gonna be okay.

- We'll just We'll figure it out - You know what? No.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I will I am just gonna carry I'm gonna carry him 'cause I live two blocks Can you just Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I live two blocks away, I'm good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks again.

Yeah.

I'm, uh, Salma, by the way, and you're you're holding Ali.

- Yeah, I'm Ramy.

- Ramy.

Hi.

- How many blocks did you say this is? - It's just a few more.

Okay.

If you could just walk a tad bit faster, - then we'll just - I'm tryin'.

Yeah.

- He's a little heavier than he looks.

- SALMA: [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

SALMA: [SIGHS]

He's doing all right now.

Thank you.

I was thinking I should have just called a Lyft.

This Ramadan brain is really getting to me.

Moms should be exempt from fasting.

Uh yeah.

Oh, sh*t, I am so sorry.

I, uh, I'm so sorry, I take it off, - um, as soon as I get back, and - It's okay.

It's okay.

Would you judge me if I didn't put it back on? - No.

No.

Not at all.

- SALMA: Are you sure? Yeah.

I should get goin' anyway.

I still haven't eaten.

SALMA: Oh, f*ck.

You must be starving.

Oh, sh Let me just get you a snack before you go.

It's the least I can do.

All right.

Here we go.

Uh, you need this.

Trust me.

- Oh, f*ck, man.

- SALMA: Mm.

- This is, like, really f*cking good.

- Mm.

Did you get the jelly part? - RAMY: Mm-hm.

- Are you there yet? Why do I not eat this every day? Your son eats these every day? - [LAUGHS]

I eat them every day.

- RAMY: You eat them every day? I eat them every day.

- This is really - SALMA: Mm.

Mm.

This is really nice, actually.

I haven't had a meal with another adult in a while.

- How 'bout your husband? - SALMA: My husband.

He's more like my roommate at this point, basically.

That's what he is.

He rolls in whenever he wants, expects me to hand over half my paycheck, expects me to raise Ali single-handedly Sometimes I really wish he was like an old-school misogynist, ya know? Like our dads? Just expect a hot meal at the end of the day, clean house, good kid Nowadays, guys expect you to work on top of everything else.

Mmm.

Yeah, I think that's what we need, like, just some more old-school misogyny.

- [LAUGHS]

- RAMY: That'd be awesome.

Nowadays I feel like we don't have enough.

- We don't have enough.

- RAMY: No, sometimes I'm like, "Where'd they go? We're missin' that.

Let's bring that back.

" I'm sorry.

I'm venting.

RAMY: It's okay.

You seem like one of the good ones, so I'm sorry.

I don't know, I mean I'm trying to be good.

But Can I ask you for one more favor? Yeah.

- [PANTING, MOANING]

- [BEDSPRINGS SQUEAKING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[WHISPERING]

Are you a bad guy? [ARABIC SONG PLAYING]

[ARABIC SONG CONTINUES]