03x16 - Leon, We Hardly Knew Ye

[bunniefuu]

- Hello. Remember me, Mrs. Lund?
- Sure, the lady with the adoption agency.

Juvenile Services Bureau.

I'm the one
who had to determine Judge Stone's...

...fitness as a potential foster parent.

HARRY:
Leon!

Prepare to die.

You know the old saying,
“Spare the U*i, spoil the child.“

[LAUGHING]

- Judge Stone.
- Yeah.

Look who's here.

- Hey, Mrs. Lund.
- Hi.

[HARRY MIMICS BUZZER]

How the hell are you?

- I'm just fine, Judge Stone--
BULL: Duck, sir!

Thank you.

Gotta run. Sesame Street's on.

You're dead meat, Leon!

Sony, Mrs. Lund,
we were just fooling around.

Tsk. Boys will be boys.

Here. Have a seat, huh?
Can we get you anything, coffee, tea?

Squeegee?

[LAUGHING]

No, thank you.

I only came by for a moment
to tell you the good news.

What's the good news?

We have found adoptive parents
for Leon.

I hope you don't mind, Judge Stone,
but I've invited the prospective parents...

...to come by tonight to meet Leon
during your break.

Gee, that's swell.

Would you excuse me? I...

I think I'm experiencing a lip seizure.

- Mac.
- Right. Excuse us.

Certainly.

Well...

...I guess that leaves just you and me.

[LAUGHING]

[MAN HUMMING IN STALL]

Hey, hey, put a suck in it.
This is a public restroom.

- Now I lay me down to sleep.
- What's your problem?

[CHUCKLES]

Moi? Ha, ha. I have not one problem.
This is a great jacket, did--?

Don't touch me.

Bad hand. Bad, bad, naughty hand.

- You're crazy.
- Yes, ha, ha. everybody says so.

That was very observant.
Thanks for telling me. And stay out!

[MAN SCATTING]

Oh, my God!

You're Mel Tormé.

Yes.

[IN HIGH VOICE]
Mel Tormé.

[GIGGLES]

I can't believe it.
I don't know what to say.

- Oh, you're a fan?
- Who, me?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
No.

But, oh, my judge is, the--

My God. If I can introduce you two,
it will be the suck-up coup of the century.

Harry would love me forever.

Oh, wait, no, please.
Allow me to do that.

[AIR WHOOSHING]

Prevents chafing.

[AIR WHOOSHING]

[DAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Well, as fun as this has been...

...you'll have to excuse me.

Wait.

Oh, wait, please, please.
Don't go. Don't go, I need you.

Oh, that is wonderful material.

[MEL CHUCKLES]

Look, I'd love to meet your friend, okay?
But I've had some things stolen.

I gotta be in front of Judge Klein
in about 20 minutes.

No, wait, please, you don't understand.

Harry worships you.

Just tell me where you're gonna be,
I'll bring him to you.

Move.

Thank you.

Hey, in the cafeteria. Great.

Mel, you're beautiful, I love you.
Never change.

Don't let the geek in the penguin suit
out of your sight.

Let me rephrase that.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah?

What can I do for you, Miss Sullivan?

Are we ever going to see you
laugh again, sir?

I don't think it's anything physiological.

I think I just got
the good old-fashioned blues.

Well, you knew
Leon was gonna be adopted someday.

Yeah, I knew it,
but why the hell did it have to be so quick?

The kid's been up for grabs for 12 years.

Then I get him,
and three weeks later, boom...

...it's Mr. and Mrs. Mommy-and-Daddy.

Wasn't that
what we were all hoping for, sir?

Yeah, yeah.
It's what we were all hoping for.

Ready to start, fool!

Thank you, Bull.

I knew I should have gone
with Tina Turner.

Sir...

I'd rather be alone right now,
if you don't mind, Miss Sullivan.

Yeah, I understand.

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
Coochy-coochy-coochy coo.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Then if there will be nothing else, sir.

Hey.

- Excuse me, Mr. Tormé.
MEL: Mm-hm.

I hate to be a bother,
but this would really mean a lot to me...

-...because I'm such a big fan.
- Oh, well, what can I do for you?

Do you know Prince?

- No.
- Forget it.

[SIGHS]

MAC:
Oh, I was just coming out to get you, sir.

- Just waiting to get a drink, Mac.
MAC: Oh.

Wouldn't you know, it's one of those jerks
who hogs the thing now and forever.

Uh-huh.

- I mean that.
- That's right.

Leave any for me?

Yeah, same to you, bozo.

[HARRY SCOFFS]

- Oh, look at that. He slobbered all over it.
MAC: Ew.

A $50 fine and suspended sentence.

And, Mr. and Mrs. Solomon,
for your own protection...

...try to stay away from the stables
in Central Park during mating season.

Bull.

Hey, Harry.

- Hey, Leon.
- I was, uh, wondering if I could have...

-...a couple bucks to go to the movies.
- Sure. What's playing?

m*ssacre at Hacksaw High
and I Dismember Mama.

Whoa.

There's gotta be something in here
suitable for kids.

Have you go. Bambi.

"Goddess of Lust."

CHRISTINE:
Psst.

[MOUTHS]
Tell him.

Leon, uh...

...I gotta tell you something.

Yes?

Leon, you got...

You got a beautiful pair of eyes,
did you know that?

Yeah, thanks.

They were a set.

[LAUGHS]

They were a set!

[LAUGHING]

Is he precious or what?

[HARRY LAUGHING]

Okay, he's no Richard Pryor, but...

Leon, I have to talk to you.
You wait in my office. We'll have dinner.

Sure, Harry.

- Oh, can I play with your dead armadillo?
- Oh, yeah, have a ball.

Thank you.

[CLUCKING]

Okay, that's time
to strap on the feedbags, folks.

We'll take an hour, huh?

Sir.

Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm gonna go tell him.

- You know, he likes you a lot better than--
- Now.

Yes, ma'am.

- You know, if I'd had time to prepare--
BULL: Hey, Harry.

What is it, Bull?

Never mind.

Forget it, Mac.

Nothing will cheer him up today.

Do you want me to open that for you?

No, no, I can handle it.

It's stuck.

- Sir, you have to be strong for Leon's sake.
- You got any suggestions?

Yes.

Put on a happy face.

You carry those things around with you?

Yes, just for emergencies like this.

There.

Well?

HARRY:
Gee, I feel better already.

Go get him, tiger.

HARRY:
Have a nice day.

Hey, Leon, guess what.

I'm way ahead of you, bro.

[CHUCKLES]

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson,
I'd like you to meet Judge Stone.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.

Leon, I was gonna tell you, I swear, buddy.
but I never had a chance.

They're nerds.

Leon, you just met them.

Watch this.

- Uh, sir?
- Mr. Johnson.

Give me five.

Well, I don't see why not.

Oh, my God.

- Have I made a faux pas? Ha, ha.
- Say what, Jack?

- Who's Jack?
- Dudley.

- Who's Dudley?
- I am.

I don't wanna hear no more of this.

Mr. Johnson is in raw sewage.

I'm the director of one of the largest
treatment facilities in the tristate area.

You're being modest, Dudley.

This man is personally responsible...

...for over 4 million tons
of raw sewage a day.

What the heck you been feeding him?

[JOHNSONS CHUCKLING]

No, no, no, Leon. I coordinate operations
for treatment and disposal.

- Oh, you mean you shovel--?
- Hey, hey, hey.

Leon tell you he much he loves baseball?

- Tell him, Leon.
- I like baseball--

See, what did I tell you, huh?

Great, we can drop by
the sporting-goods store...

...and pick up a bat and a puck.

Uh, that's a bat and a ball.

Oh, ha! Dear me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[HARRY LAUGHING]

Oh, I just hate to break up all this fun...

...but we really should be going.

Mrs. Lund, how long will Leon
be staying with me?

Oh, no, Judge Stone,
I'm afraid you don't understand.

Leon is coming with us.

You mean that's it?

- He gets adopted just like that?
- Oh, no, no, no.

First, there'll be family encounter sessions,
support groups, weekend visits.

But in the meantime,
Leon will be living at the shelter.

From our experience, we've found
that it makes for an easier transition.

Well...

...time to go.

Harry.

Knock them dead, Leon.

Show them what a great son is like.

Mom.

Dad.

I'm ready to go.

Did you know, Leon.
the ancient Romans...

...built the first modem
sewage-transportation system?

Dudley wrote an article about it.
“The Flush Heard Round the World.“

Judge Stone,
sometimes it's easier this way.

Oh, yeah, that was a breeze.

Speak to me, Mel.

I need you.

I need somebody.

Excuse me, I need somebody.
I got this two Iunatics chasing me--

Hello?

Hello?

Everybody here is nuts.

Yes?

Excuse me,
I didn't think you heard me, I--

Never mind.

I said, yes?

Oh, for Pete's sake, some people.

If you need something,
why don't you just...?

[PHONE RINGING]

Coming.

- Yeah?
- Your Honor, Leon's gone.

- Call me back.
- He ran from Mrs. Lund and that couple.

I knew that was gonna happen.

Come on.

Excuse me, I didn't mean--

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

- Mel.
- That way.

Right.

Look, you're gonna have to
call him back.

[SIGHS]

Huh.

Don't ever change.

I mean it.

- Any sign of Harry?
- Not yet.

Mac, I'm so worried.
Nobody's heard from him since yesterday.

As long as that kid's missing,
Harry will search for him till he drops.

Found him outside on the steps.
He almost made it to the door.

- How long you think he was laying there?
- I don't know.

But these footprints look fresh.

You may be seated.

- Sir.
- Ugly-Iooking bunch, huh, Mac?

- Sir, I canceled the session.
- Oh.

Sir, why don't you go back in your office,
get a little more sleep?

- The police will call if they find him.
- I can't sleep, Mac.

I keep having this dream of people
walking all over me.

Wanna talk about it?

No.

Take it easy, sir.

Come on.

Step over me.

Come on.

LEON:
Hi, Harry.

You look like raw sewage.

Leon.

Don't come any closer.
If you do, I'll take off again.

Where you been, Leon?

Here and there.

You don't have to worry about me.

I do worry about you, Leon.

You know I worry about you.

Yeah, I know.

I heard through the grapevine
you were looking for me last night.

What are you, crazy.
walking around these streets by yourself?

Why don't you come on in, huh?
We'll have a bite. Maybe we could talk.

Don't come any closer.

You know once I get out this door,
you'll never be able to catch me.

Yeah, I know.

I just came by to tell you...

To tell you thanks
for letting me crash with you for a while...

...and not to get discouraged
because there's nothing...

...you people can do
with somebody like me.

You're wrong, Leon.

There is stuff we can do for you.

- Like?
- Like we got you parents, right?

A bat and a puck?

Okay, so they're geeks.

But they're nice geeks.

Maybe with a little care,
a little understanding from you...

...they would have turned out fine.

They wanted to try, Leon.

You never gave them a chance.

I guess that's why
they call me inconugated.

Incorrigible.

- That's the word.
- Yeah.

I don't think you're incorrigible, Leon.

Harry.

- You got a lot to learn. I gotta go.
- Where are you gonna go?

California.

LA.

Maybe I can get a series.

Gary Coleman must be getting pretty close
to retirement by now.

Don't go.

We will work something out.

There's nothing to work out.

Yeah, there is something to work out.
It's what you want and you know it.

- Says who?
- Says me.

You came back, right?
So you must have had a reason.

Yeah, I had a reason.

But it's stupid.

Tell me.

I thought...

I thought
maybe I could keep staying with you.

Leon.

- Told you it was stupid.
- It's not stupid.

- Isn't it?
- No.

But it's not...

It's not what's best for you.

What's best for you is a family
that's got a father and a mother...

...and that's something
I can't offer to you.

And I don't know
if I'll ever be able to offer you that.

But I did hope...

...that we'd always befriends.

I wish you could have
always been my father.

Leon. Leon!

Leon!