03x01 - That's No Lady, That's My Mother

[bunniefuu]

To Whom it May Concern,

I have been painting

for 27

non-stop hours.

I am just sleeping.

Do not bury me.

Do not

donate my organs.

Love, Joey.

Joe!

I got a woman coming up here right now.

Great woman.

Potentially long-term woman. So I need the loft.

Be a man. Get out.

I am a man.

I'm a man who's been painting for 27 hours

who's got to deliver to Delaware tomorrow.

I'm a man who's going nighty-night-night.

And if I were you, I'd let me.

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

If I were you, I'd duck. Oh, hey!

Hi, Courtney.

You said five minutes. It's only been four.

If you want, I could wait out here for another minute.

Oh, no, I couldn't wait another minute. Come on in.

Hurry-up. Oh, just made it.

It's been so long since I've been to a man's place that wasn't also my own.

I... I mean, I was married for so long

that I've forgotten everything about dating.

Listen, this, this is not dating. This is destiny.

The way we bumped into each other at the dry cleaner?

And now bumping into each other again downstairs at the restaurant?

This is not dating, this is bumping.

So, relax, and just know that I'm a trustworthy,

sincere guy who will not take advantage of you.

Now take off your dress, and I'll go get my gladiator outfit.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you, Michael.

You're welcome.

For what? For letting me not be nervous.

This is the first time I've been out since my divorce.

JOEY: That's trouble.

Is there someone in your wall?

No, it's, it's my neighbors. I have this thing...

Hey, keep it down in there, huh!

I don't know what I gotta do.

What were you say... Oh, yes, you're divorced.

Well, that's too bad. And by that I mean, goodie, goodie, goodie.

Yeah, it just happened recently.

We were high school sweethearts.

I never dated anyone else... And now there's you.

JOEY: (WHISPERING) Get out!

So, uh, any kids?

One, a boy, 15.

You? One, a girl.

Equally 15.

You know, it's funny, my son dates a girl in this building.

NICOLE: Dad?

Mom?

JOEY: ♪♪ Ooh ♪♪

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

Well...

My daddy's dating my boyfriend's mommy.

Anybody else feel as uncomfortable as I do?

JOEY: I do.

Okay, okay. It's... That's Nicole's other dad.

We keep him in the wall, and we only take him out for emergencies.

Hi.

Joey Harris.

Damned awkward situation we got here.

Look, why don't we, uh, why don't we all sleep on it, huh?

Get out.

Look, Courtney, why don't I... Why don't I just call you?

COURTNEY: I'd like that, Michael.

Let's go, honey.

He's at that age.

Spill it.

I met a very lovely woman, and she turns out to be Zach's mother.

It's not a big deal. We're getting married. Good night.

Ha-ha, tee-hee, tee-hee, I've laughed my laugh.

You may not think this is a big deal, but I'd like a second opinion.

I'll get you a second opinion.

Joe, what do you think?

You see? He's fine with this.

Dad.

Dad, wake up.

What are you doing with that woman?

Goodsta...

The Heimlich maneuver!

She was choking!

Was I smiling in my sleep again?

Dad, I really like Zach a lot,

and I'm afraid that this whole mother-dating thing

is gonna ruin our relationship.

How?

I don't know. I'm the kid, you're the dads.

You're supposed to know these things.

But Michael's in love, and so he's crazy.

But if you tell me that it'll be okay, I'll believe you.

Oh.

Hey, it's gonna be just fine, Nick. Are you sure?

I mean, you're not just saying that because you're exhausted

and you want me to go away? Yes, I am.

Fine.

I trust you completely. All right.

Now if anything goes wrong, it's all on your head.

Good morning.

Coffee!

Mmm. Whoo!

Too strong?

When was the last time you blinked?

I got to drive this painting to Delaware.

Drive and drive and drive.

Been up all night thinking about it, It's all your fault.

Excuse me. How is this my fault?

What's gonna happen when this doesn't work out

between you and Courtney, Michael?

Everybody's gonna have trouble.

Everybody.

Nicole and Zach, they're gonna have to take sides between parents.

Maybe even each other.

Big trouble.

Yes, Mr. Coffee.

But, what happens if it works out well, hmm?

Oh, fine. Relaxed. Perfect.

Never happen.

You're the transitional man.

I'm the what? The first guy after the divorce.

The rebound guy.

The guy she dumps and says,

"Hey, thanks for getting me ready for that other guy."

I'm the transitional man, huh?

What, does that, does that come with, like, a cape and tights?

Huh?

"Look, up in the sky! It's Transitional Man!"

(HUMMING)

"Able to be dumped by tall women in a single rebound!"

It's... Okay. Shut up.

All right, fine.

This thing with you and Zach's mother goes south,

it's on your head, not mine, okay?

'Cause I am not gonna be left holding the bag.

Fine.

Transitional Man can take the bag!

I don't understand my mother anymore.

Nicole, no matter what happens with our parents.

I'm not gonna let it affect our relationship, right?

You know, I've been thinking.

If your mother marries her father, wouldn't that make you

brother and sister?

(LAUGHS)

We're way ahead of ourselves here, okay?

Nobody is getting married, and everything is under control.

I'm nauseous.

Mr. Taylor.

I think she's old enough to feed herself.

Zach.

I want to talk to Mr. Taylor.

Zach, we're in the middle of... Just for a minute, okay?

Sure, honey.

I'll just go freshen up.

What's up?

I want to know what your intentions are with my mother.

I don't know.

Why not?

When you started your relationship with Nicole,

did you know exactly where the relationship was gonna go?

Yes.

Where?

I asked you first.

I asked you older and bigger.

You don't really think you have a future with my mother, do you?

What is this, me, Zach?

Do you not like me or something? Tell me.

Michael, this just came for you...

From Delaware.

Help me.

Okay, I'm coming, buddy.

Here we go. Here we go.

We'll take it slow. One step at a time.

All right.

Courtney, could you, could you just hang in there

for a few minutes? I'll be right back

and then I will tell you about the wonderful evening

of magic and romance that I've got planned.

But, first, I gotta dump the stiff.

Oh, Michael, if we're gonna be out late.

I'm not comfortable leaving Zach alone.

Mom, I'm 15 years old.

(SNIGGERING)

Honey, we've talked about this.

I'm just not comfortable leaving you alone in the apartment,

especially now that your father's gone.

Gee!

Well, what are we worried about?

Zach can stay at our place till we get back.

With Nicole?

With Nicole and Joey.

No!

Chapter fourteen, Respiration.

Oxygen is exchanged in the blood for carbon dioxide.

Which is then exhaled by the lungs.

And...

You say this is a continual process?

Oh, yes.

Inhale oxygen,

exhale carbon dioxide.

Inhale...

Exhale...

BOTH: Inhale...

(SNORING)

BOTH: Exhale.

BOTH: Inhale... (TAKING A LONG BREATH)

BOTH: Exhale.

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

This is going to be one of those moments in my life

I'll never forget, right?

If you live.

Dad... Hi, Nicole.

Go get ready for bed.

It's not all his fault.

I am well aware of that, little Miss Respiration.

Go.

(CHUCKLES)

I... I bet this sort of thing happened to you once or twice when you were my age.

Right, Mr. Harris?

Once or twice.

And, and what did the incredibly understanding father

say to you at such a time?

He said, "Damn, this thing's not loaded."

Look... BOTH: Thank God!

Zach, could you do me a favor?

Could you just wait in my room for a couple minutes?

So, it didn't work out. I told you so.

Good night.

We're going to Atlantic City.

No! No, yeah, no.

She's never been, so we two mad, impetuous fools,

we're just, we're going down to Atlantic City!

No, no, you can't go to Atlantic City, Michael.

Why not?

Because I can't keep my eyes open, and I got a hickey on my hand.

Joe, it's unbelievable! We have so many things in common!

Like what?

Like, we both wear socks. What the hell do you care, okay?

The point is, well,

I'm falling in love with her, and we're going to Atlantic City.

Michael, she's gonna tear you apart.

Oh, nobody tears apart Transitional Man!

Why can't you believe that sometimes I know what I'm talking about?

Because you are my arch-enemy.

Lex Depresso!

Wow.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

What is this?

You told me to get ready for bed.

Wait a minute. This is not ready for bed.

Hey, Nick, hey, where's, where's all that goopy, poopy stuff

you put all over your face and those pins you put in your hair?

You never look this good when you go to bed!

Hey! You! You get your eyes off her!

She don't look this good!

Anyway, you look especially bad tonight

because Zach's gotta spend the night!

Oh, no.

Hey, stop that sighing!

Get, get off! Get back! Get off my hood!

Get, get in there! Go on!

Hey, you! Get in your room.

(GROANING)

(KNOCKING)

(GROANS)

He's still here.

Yeah. He's spending the night.

He gets to sleep over!

Good night.

Good night, Cory.

I have to have her home by 8:30!

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Go home!

JUDGE WILBUR: Make me.

(WHISPERS) Oh, no.

I was just on my way to visit,

when I heard that Zach was staying over.

Oh, yeah? How'd you hear that?

(CORY CRYING)

You know?

I remember the first time a boy stayed over at our house.

I was just about Nicole's age.

He was an exchange student from France.

He had the sexiest accent.

I'll never forget.

What happened?

My father sh*t him.

Pleasant dreams.

One hundred thousand bottles of beer on the wall,

one hundred thousand bottles of beer.

Take one down, and you pass it around...

JOEY: Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine...

Two bottles of beer on the wall...

The date's over?

The date's over.

Ooh, who's that sleeping in my bed?

Oh, it's me!

It's me!

Wanna hear what happened?

No.

We get to the hotel,

Courtney and I walk across the casino floor,

and I escort her to my personal game of choice, Baccarah.

Many will pronounce that incorrectly, you know.

Not I.

Then we went to see a show.

Dionne Warwick and Burt Baccarah.

Then Dionne asks, "Are there any young lovers in the audience tonight?"

And we both kinda laughed, and I raised my hand.

And then later, our heads still filled with love songs,

we walk out onto the beach, bottle of champagne, full moon, and...

I don't have to tell you what happened next, do I, Joe?

She dumped you.

You okay?

Hurts.

But...

Transitional Man can take the pain.

I knew this would happen.

What, is she waiting for me downstairs?

Yeah, she's down there now.

You're not gonna see her anymore?

Zach, you know, it didn't... I don't want to hear about it.

Seven billion women in New York,

and you have to date Zach's mother.

I knew this would happen.

I just lost a boyfriend.

You go talk to Zach. I'll go talk to Nick.

Thank you.

Mr. Taylor.

Hey, you want an orange juice?

Let me buy you an orange juice.

My way of saying I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

What are you sorry about?

I should've warned you.

I just stood by and let it happen.

My mother does this to people.

Does what?

She kicks 'em out the door.

You know, she did the same thing to my father.

So I...

I had a talk with her.

And I told her that if she wants to ruin her life and mine, too, fine.

But stay away from my friends.

You, wait... You don't hold this against me?

Of course not.

And you're not upset with Nicole?

You kidding?

The way my mother treated you,

I'm lucky if Nicole ever speaks to me again.

No. You, you, no...

Hey!

Hey, listen, tell you what.

You, just, you call her, okay?

Call her, give her a call, and, and tell her that we spoke,

and that I worked everything out with you, okay?

Good.

Good.

Finished so soon?

Probably not, huh?

Look, uh...

Zach.

There are...

Probably a couple of other issues that, that we should go over here.

You're gonna defend her now, aren't you?

Uh, yeah.

Well, much to my, my amazement, I am. Yeah.

How can you do that? Didn't she hurt you?

Oh, yeah, she destroyed me.

You are having O.J. with a dead guy.

And aren't you mad at her?

Yeah, I'm mad. I'm mad at my lousy timing.

I'm mad that I met your mother so soon after her divorce.

And I'm mad that I don't get a chance

'cause she has all these things in her life that she's gotta work out.

Like what?

Like, like, the anger.

You know, your mother told me that the reason she broke up with your dad

is 'cause there's all this anger in the house?

Hey, they had fights!

Every family fights!

She couldn't make it work!

The sad thing is that now she still has to come home

to an angry guy all the time.

I'm allowed to be angry!

Yes, you are. You are allowed to be angry.

But not, not for the rest of your life, you know?

'Cause there's, at some point, your mother and you deserve to be happy again.

And there's only one guy

that can make your mother happy again right now,

and it's not, it's not your father.

And I'm sorry to say, it's not me.

What does she want from me?

She just wants to know that, at some point in her life, she'll be able to touch you

without you brushing her hand away.

Hey, what are we talking about this for?

Next time you talk to your mother, do me a favor.

Maybe my name comes up, maybe you tell her what a great guy I am, and, uh...

I'm sure she'd listen to what you have to say, huh?

Can you do that for me?

You my pal?

Yes, I'm your pal. All right.

You mean, you're my pal?

Oh, no. I'm... I'm your girlfriend's father,

and never do anything to upset me.

Yes, sir. Okay.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)