03x12 - I'm Dreaming of a Holiday Episode

[bunniefuu]

JOEY: (SINGING) ♪♪ Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree

♪♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, Christmas Tree ♪♪

Ho-ho-ho. Michael, Michael, Michael,

don't turn around, don't turn around.

Okay. Close your eyes. JOEY: Don't look.

Okay. Close your eyes.

Okay. Okay. Keep 'em closed.

All right. No peeking now.

I'm not. Okay, c'mon.

I'm not enjoying this, by the way. All right.

JOEY: Don't look. Okay.

Are you ready? Okay.

NICOLE: Open.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Ah!

Perfect.

An upside-down tree?

What, what is this? Confuse a dog week?

Hey, come on. When you look at that tree,

you see an upside-down tree.

I look at that, I see... Art.

Yeah.

Why do you have to do something crazy every year?

Can't you once have a normal tree?

A traditional tree with lights, and tinsel and gravity?

What, you mean "traditional" traditional?

You mean boring, repetitive, predictable.

Hey, I am not predictable... Predictable.

Oh, very funny. Very funny.

Joe, cut it out! Joe, cut it out!

Hey, I am not that predictable.

Same old Michael.

Same, same, same old Michael. So, why...

How is that bad? What is wrong with wanting to do

traditional holiday things at a traditional holiday time, huh?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. Good.

Gotcha. The traditional holiday tradition argument.

♪♪♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪♪

I went to a great deal of trouble to get you each something

very special this year,

but I don't want you to feel you have to get me anything in return.

I don't have all day.

Oh, do we have something for the Judge?

I think we do. (CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Uh...

Let me guess.

Portable double cassette deck,

six way speaker system with plasma tweeters.

Am I close?

That's what, you told us, right?

I love a surprise.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, guys, look, this picture came out great.

Yeah, except it's a little blurry 'cause Michael's mouth is moving.

That's not my mouth moving, that's your hair, pally.

It's moving away from your forehead.

Showing quite a bit of skull there, babe.

Ah. Let me see that.

Ah, I'll just part my hair different, that's all.

Come on, come on, guys, I want that picture.

Just think, 40 years from now,

you're gonna look at these pictures

and say, "Hey, look, how young we look."

Let's see, in 40 years,

I'll be 55 and you guys will be...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... JOEY: That's not so old.

That's not so old, Nick.

I mean, all I need to stay young anyway is miles and miles of this.

That's right. He just needs miles and miles of shirt.

No. Heart and soul.

My unique, one of a kind soul.

As opposed to your, off the rack, one soul fits all.

Would you not listen to him, please?

This guy has spent an entire life

trying to walk down the road less traveled.

Well, what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that?

Look, honey, listen to me very carefully.

The reason that the path is less traveled,

it's a bad path.

There are no bathrooms, no restaurants, no lodging, no nothing.

There's, it's a bad path.

Bad path. Yeah, Nick, and then there's Michael's road.

Yes, one that's been traveled by many.

The straight and narrow.

And when you get to the end of that road,

you look back and you say, "What a waste of gas."

So, so I got two roads to choose?

That's right. That's right. Two roads, Nick.

Well, before I pick a road, I really have to know

what kind of car we're talking about.

That depends.

With me you get four doors, leather interior.

With Joey's, a little smaller, but still fully equipped,

with 16 clowns and a fire extinguisher.

You're just afraid that I'm right, Michael,

'cause you don't know how to be different.

I mean, you don't have a different bone in your body.

And now,

my different unique bones will take a nap.

Well, isn't this a wonderful traditional Norman Rockwell type of scene?

Father and daughter go off to prepare the holiday feast,

while Grampy Geezer nods off and drools down his pillow.

Geezer.

(SCOFFS)

I'm not getting old.

(SNORING)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(CONTINUES GROANING)

(SCREAMS)

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

(JOEY SCREAMING)

Joe, you all right?

What'd you do, put your teeth in backwards again?

One of these days you're gonna bite the back of your head

right off.

I'm old.

Here we go again.

Joe, you are not old.

You're not old. Listen to me.

You are mature, you're distinguished, and you know what else?

The women, they worship you.

(GROANS)

That always calms him down.

What?

You're old. Hey!

Who are you calling old, you decrepit sack of skin?

Huh?

I'm confused. Of course, you're confused.

You're old.

Sit down. Relax.

Look, watch some TV, huh?

Your favorite show is on.

70, something.

Where's Nicole?

What, did you forget?

She's coming for dinner, like she does every Christmas.

Joe, when are you gonna take this thing down, hah?

It's art.

It's art?

I used to think it was garbage.

I've had 40 years to think about it though.

Now I think it's old garbage.

Hey, put some pants on, your daughter's coming.

It's the Judge.

Ah, hey, Judge,

how come you didn't get old like Michael and me?

I didn't feel like it.

All right, you owe me one month's rent.

A million dollars.

A million dollars?

(SCOFFS) Where I'm gonna get that kind of money?

Same place you always do,

from my rock solid, stable, traditional, secure pocket.

What did you say, Judge, one million?

There you go.

Sorry, it was late. I forget about these things sometimes.

I'm so busy taking care of fossil face here.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Why you taking care of me?

After 40 years, I oughta be a famous artist.

(BOTH SNICKERING)

Oh, you think it's funny, huh?

You think it's funny?

Ha! You'll see.

You'll see.

I'm gonna be discovered any minute now.

JEAN: Ding dong.

Hi, I'm a famous art critic who just happened to be in the neighborhood

looking for new talent to discover.

See?

You mind if I look around?

Oh, please, please.

(CHUCKLES) Fame and fortune, here we come!

You know, I usually hold off and don't make snap decisions,

but that piece stinks.

But wait.

Now, this piece.

Worse.

Now did you take that road less traveled?

(TUTTING)

She just needs a little of the old Joey Harris charm.

Hey, lambchop.

I'm thinking you, me, wine, dinner. (CHUCKLES)

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking you, alone, soft food.

You mean to tell me women don't want me anymore?

Want you for what, Joe?

Oh, God. I can't remember.

Joey, don't worry.

As washed up and useless as you are,

there are those who are far worse off.

Merry Christmas.

Nicole?

Is that you?

Hi, Judge. Hi, Michael.

Joey, I brought a special Christmas present for my special dad.

I'll bring it in. You sit down.

Uh, I must've done something right.

My daughter still loves me.

Boy, is this heavy.

Is she crazy?

Worse, Joe. She's a mime.

Boy, I hope I can get this up these stairs.

A bad mime.

How did this happen?

Well, she was on her way to medical school, Joe,

then she decided to take the road less traveled.

Whoa, did it get windy in here?

Somebody better close the window.

Am I responsible for this?

Did I do this to my daughter?

Well, you set the example, Joe.

She would never listen to me, and now look at her.

Oh, no! I'm trapped in a box.

Nicole, no, no, no, no.

No, Nicole, don't listen to me.

No, I was wrong.

I was wrong.

Don't follow my path. Michael was right.

Go back to medical school. Get out of the box.

Too late, Dad. I'm stuck in here.

Stuck in here. Stuck in here. Stuck in here.

All right, Nick, get out of the box.

Get out of the box!

No, Nick, you're gonna ruin your life!

Dad, it's only nail polish.

I mean, it might not go with the outfit,

but I think I can survive.

Huh?

Dad, listen, my friends are here,

and I was hoping you could help me explain our tree thing.

I'm not sure.

Me neither.

CORY: Looks fine to me.

Yeah, well, not to me.

Not anymore.

I'm taking it down, Nick.

We're gonna put up a traditional tree this year.

But, Dad, you worked so hard on that.

Yeah, well, it's worthless, all right?

It stinks.

Michael was right all along.

And be a doctor.

Whoa.

It's a shame Michael wasn't awake to hear that.

MICHAEL: Leave me alone!

Hey, don't put that on my face.

Wait. What are you doing to my hair back there, huh?

Where is my hair?

Hey!

Where, what, what did you do to my hair?

WOMAN: 30 seconds, Mr. Taylor.

30 seconds?

To what? 30 seconds to what?

Hello? 30. Hey!

Where, what, what happened to my hair?

What is this, a crazy game?

We'd like to think so.

I'm Casey Kasem.

Just wanted to come backstage before the show started and say,

"Relax and enjoy."

What, what show?

Hey, Casey, where's my hair?

WOMAN: Places, please.

Ready, Mr. Taylor?

(CHUCKLES) You're beautiful.

I love your dress. Thank you.

And I like your hat.

It's not a hat, it's my hair.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Let me ask you, what, what the hell's going on here, huh?

Okay, everybody, let's give a big, warm, hey.

How are ya? Welcome to Michael Taylor.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

He's tonight's very special guest

of a very special Christmas edition of...

ALL: Joey Was Right All Along!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

CASEY: Meet Michael Taylor.

He's 73.

He's all alone.

His life is blown.

And why?

Because... ALL: Joey Was Right All Along!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) He was not.

Joey Harris was not right about one thing his whole life.

(BUZZER BUZZING)

Who's that?

Oh, sorry. That's incorrect.

So, now here's my lovely bride, Jean, to hit you on the head.

And without further ado,

here's a man who in the last 40 years

has become the single most beloved,

influential and important human being in the history of the world.

A man so fabulous we should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Clap until you bleed for Joey.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Joey, I don't have to tell you how fabulous you are.

No, you don't, Casey.

So, Joey, why don't we start the show by telling everyone

just how right you've been all along?

Hey, go for it, babe.

All right then,

Michael, listen carefully and see if you can guess who this is.

SHELBY: Hey, Mr. Taylor.

It's me, Shelby.

CASEY: That's right.

It's Nicole's best friend, Shelby Haskell.

And with her are two other faces you'll remember,

Zach and Cory.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

CASEY: Hi, kids.

ALL: Hi, Casey.

Why don't you tell Michael how Joey was right all along?

Well, Mr. Taylor told us to get ordinary jobs and be ordinary people.

But Joey said that if we wanted to lead happy

and wonderful lives, we'd have to take the road

less traveled and follow our dreams.

So, what dream did you follow, kids?

Well, Casey, I became a cowboy.

I'm a Ghostbuster.

And I'm a professional organ donor.

This is stupid. (BUZZER BUZZING)

Jean with the hammer.

Our next guest was about to waste her life away

as a Supreme Court Justice

until Joey showed her the error of her ways.

Now, she's a happy and wonderful human being,

and living out her lifelong dream to be an interpretive dancer.

Please, let's have a warm, Joey Was Right All Along

welcome for ex-judge, Margaret Wilbur.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Hold it.

Freeze.

Hold it right there. Joey, none of this is real.

The Judge wouldn't do that.

Are you trying to tell me that everybody

in the entire world listened to you

and they turned out exactly perfect?

Everybody's wonderful except me,

is that what I'm supposed to believe, huh?

No, Michael.

Not everybody. Casey.

Right again, Joe.

One person didn't listen.

Let's sneak a peek and see how that turned out.

And here she is,

a girl who was cruising down easy street

until she took a wrong turn onto Michael Road.

Please welcome...

Nicole, is that you?

She can't hear you. She can't hear you.

What happened to her?

Well, she followed your gray flannel advice, Michael.

She lived a life with no passion, no excitement...

(CHUCKLES) No fun at all.

Now she's lonely.

Nicole all alone?

I don't believe that for a minute.

Fluffy!

Fluffy!

Dinner.

See, she's not alone.

She married a guy named Fluffy.

He's probably a doctor.

Doctor Fluffy.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Okay, so, he's not a doctor exactly.

Does Fluffums want his din-din?

"Dear Nicole,

"most people think that all cats want to do is eat and sleep.

"Well, I want more and you can't give it to me.

"Ciao, ciao, ciao.

"Fluffy. P.S.

"Sorry about that mess on your bed."

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Be brave, Nicole.

This isn't the first time this has happened.

What are you telling me?

Cats leave her on a regular basis?

It's big time lonely, Michael.

(PHONE RINGING)

Okay, okay.

I'll bet you right there,

that a good friend's gonna invite her to a big Christmas party.

Hello?

Yes.

No, I don't need any aluminum siding.

Wait, wait, wait, don't hang up.

What's your name?

Bob? Goodness, what an exotic name.

Nicole, hang up!

Don't talk to aluminum Bob.

It's Christmas Eve.

Get, get a life.

Oh, you're recording?

Well, are you single?

This is pathetic.

I never wanted this to happen, Joe.

I just, I wanted her to have a safe, secure life.

It's your fault, Michael. It's all your fault. I can't believe it.

Yeah? Well, it's your fault.

I never wanted, I can't believe it.

Your fault. Joey was right.

Joey was right.

Joey was right!

Joey was right.

Fluffy?

JOEY: What are you doing?

Hey, you put my tree back up.

Yeah, that's right.

I thought you called it garbage.

Well, Joe, that's, that's one of the things

about the holiday season is that you, you learn to,

to respect other peoples' garbage.

That's beautiful, babe.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, you know what I'm thinking. Huh?

I'm thinking, uh,

that maybe I don't want my daughter to think that my road's the only road, huh?

Maybe there's something to be said for predictability. Predictability.

Yeah. Well, you know, there's also something to be said

for that, that thing you do with your life, Joe.

So, what, are we having a moment here or what?

I guess so.

Is it over?

I sure hope so. (CHUCKLES)

All right.

Hey, listen, listen, here you go, buddy.

Merry Christmas to you.

Uh, and you know what?

Right back at you, slappy.

Hey, thanks, man.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, oh, hey...

Well, I wanted to get you something that you weren't gonna get for yourself.

Hey, bingo.

Oh, look at this.

An earring.

Well, I'm gonna have to put that right in my drawer.

No, you know what?

We do that every year, Joe.

We get each other presents that we think the other guy should have.

Yeah, and then we take 'em back.

No, not this year.

This year we are gonna have a new understanding,

and I am gonna keep my earring.

Yeah? You bet.

Well, then I'm gonna keep my tie.

All right.

Receipt is in the box. Receipt is in the box.

Two dads.

Two trees?

I love you, guys.

(CHUCKLES) See, Nicole thinks that we argue all the time.

Maybe you should tell her about this new friendship

and understanding that we've got.

Yeah, that's what the holidays are all about, right?

Presents!

My mistake. (CHUCKLES)

I wanna thank you, one and all.

I love this.

I boogied all night.

Hey, let's crank up some tunes here, Judge.

CASEY: (ON RECORDER) Hi, this Casey Kasem,

counting down America's favorite holiday of music.

He's fat, he's jolly and he's corning your way. (BELL CHIMING)

So, sit back and enjoy.

(MUSIC PLAYING)