03x16 - Party, Sweet 16: See Appendix

[bunniefuu]

(GRUNTS) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

You're jostling my foot.

Hey, I'm gonna jostle your neck, you know?

I mean, I've been carryin' you through

the freezing cold for a mile and a half...

Mile and a half, and all you've been doing is complain.

Well, you... You wouldn't have to carry me

if you didn't ride the motorcycle into that cow.

It wasn't a cow, it was a bull.

And it's fine, it's out there in the field

mating with what's left of my bike.

And you're upset 'cause you wanted its first time to be special.

I understand. (PANTING)

Nurse! Hey, somebody!

Yes?

Hi, I'm Mr. Taylor and this is Mr. Harris. Yeah.

Is the doctor here?

He'll be with you in just a couple of minutes.

Follow me, please.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Come on, come on.

That foot looks pretty bad.

Oh, it ain't my foot, I don't care about my foot.

All I care about is...

Hi, Dads.

JOEY: Hey, Nick.

How you feelin', honey?

My stomach hurts.

The doctor doesn't know what's wrong yet.

Well, we got up here as fast as we could.

Michael, what's wrong with your foot?

Hey, nothing. My foot... Don't worry about my foot.

My foot is fine.

Excuse me.

How are we feeling now, Nicole?

It hurts in a different spot.

Oh, a little lower than before?

JOEY: Doctor, we're her fathers.

Look, what's wrong with her?

Well, she's running a fever.

Pain in the lower right quadrant.

We'll wait for the lab report,

but I'm guessing appendicitis.

Well, you're... You're guessing? You're guess...

Twenty years of medical school, you're guessing?

(CHUCKLES)

Ow! Doctor, my daughter said "Ow."

Your guess would be, what, pain?

Nicole, you have nothing to be afraid of.

If this is appendicitis, it's a simple operation.

I could do it blindfolded.

Hey, hey, nothing fancy, okay?

How 'bout just the regular,

you know, "Nurse, we'll be using our eyes today method" would be my choice, okay?

(LAUGHS)

Did he break his foot or his head?

Ah, maybe you should explain to him that both of you have to leave now, hmm?

Leave? Why do we gotta leave?

This is our little girl. Hey, we don't want to leave her.

We need to get her into X-ray.

Come on now. Dad,

I'll be okay.

All right, all right. Come on, come on, let's go.

I don't know. I don't... I think we should...

We should be staying here.

Why... We're walking the wrong way.

Why... Why can't we stay in there?

Hey, the doctors are gonna take care of her, all right?

All we gotta do is sit down. Ah, no.

I'll tell you what, all right?

I'll pace for both of us.

I don't like it. I don't like that a doctor's telling me...

No. The doctor's not gonna tell me

that I can't be in there when my daughter needs me.

I'm sorry. That... That is where I put my foot down.

And pick it right back up! Ow!

Just sit here.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

JOEY: Will you let her do it?

Mr. Taylor, I can't do anything

until you let me take off the shoe.

My foot is fine. Please.

Would you... Don't worry about my foot, please.

Worry about my daughter.

Hey, your foot is not fine, Michael.

Your foot is all swollen. It's not.

Look, I know what she's gonna do.

She's gonna take the shoe off, and she's

gonna look at my foot and she's gonna poke.

Right? You're gonna poke. She's gonna poke and then she's gonna say,

"Does this hurt? Does this hurt?"

Well, let me answer that for you in advance.

Yow!

Okay. Hey, hey,

you're right, you're right.

I know I'm right.

(MOUTHING)

Three. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, see that?

Okay. Go ahead, poke away.

This may hurt.

I can take it.

How's that?

That... That's not too bad.

And this.

I want you dead... Oh, I'm sorry. All right, all right.

That was... You hit a thing there.

Better get you into X-ray. Okay.

You'll be in line right behind your daughter.

I'll go get everything ready.

You big baby.

Joe, this is not the weekend I had planned.

Poor Nicole.

I mean, what a way to spend a birthday.

(WHISTLING)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Yes, I did run an ad about a motorcycle.

Describe it? (CHUCKLES)

Well, I'll tell you this,

this baby was at Woodstock.

How old are you?

Okay, the bike is bitchin'.

How many miles on it? Well, how far you wanna go?

Oh, yeah, it'll get you up there.

Would you be needin' to get back?

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, hey, you got Nicole skis for her birthday, huh?

I got her the skis, I made reservations for

the three of us at the ski lodge, I got lift tickets.

I tell you, we...

We are so good at this father thing, we really... We oughta franchise.

I tell ya, I hope you're right.

Hope she wants a ski weekend.

Look, I... You know, you had some very good alternative ideas

for presents, but I think I know Nicole a little bit better, and...

I know... I know that she wanted to go skiing.

Oh, yeah, how do you know?

'Cause she told Zach.

I wasn't eavesdropping.

(STUTTERS) I...

I was accidentally reading her mail

and I tripped over her diary and my ear hit the phone.

NICOLE: Hey, Dads.

Oh, look, for no reason Nicole is home in the middle of the day.

Hey, hi. Look at that.

What a surprise.

Say, Joe, why don't you see if you can find a place to

put these huge tongue depressors?

Skis!

How did you know?

It just came to me.

They're beautiful. Thank you.

Happy birthday, honey.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Wow, you're gonna look great with those on the slopes this weekend.

Shh. Hey, hey, hey!

Oh. Hey, wait a minute, who's keeping what from who?

Well, I guess I'll start.

Dads, I've decided what I want to do for my birthday.

Yes?

I really, really want to go skiing.

Really?

So, will you sign the permission slip?

Wait... What do you mean?

What do you need a permission slip for?

Well, you know, it's like a school thing.

I get to go with all my friends.

Oh, this weekend?

What, you and Zach?

All right, I know what you're thinking.

A roaring fireplace, bearskin rugs,

me and Nicole snowed in four hours away from you guys.

No, wait, that's what I was thinking.

Chaperone. Chaperone.

He was thinking chaperone.

The one that's gonna be there all the time making sure that

nobody's dads have anything to worry about.

It's better. Not better.

What's wrong?

Well, what's wrong is I...

I heard you hinting around all week,

so I made reservations at a ski lodge for the three of us for your birthday.

You and Joey and me? Yeah.

Yikes.

I mean, wow!

Well, look at the time.

Boy, I wish I had a watch right now.

Bye, Nicole.

Hey, hey, honey, don't you think you should go with us?

I mean, this lodge is beautiful.

First class all the way. It's terrific.

Surprise happy birthday.

Speak now.

I don't...

It was...

What?

She wants to go with her friends. That.

Why? It's your sweet 16.

I thought that we'd do somethin' really special, you know?

I know.

I love you for that.

But all of my friends are going.

We'll go too. Hey, we'll be the chaperones.

Oh, no. No, I'm sorry. You can't.

No parents can be chaperones.

Why not?

Give me a minute.

Oh, what, are we gonna embarrass you, is that it?

No. Then what?

Well, Dad, it's just that nobody else is

bringing along their parents.

Yeah, but it's... It's your birthday.

I know. I know you had other things planned for us, but...

But what I want for my birthday is to go skiing with my friends.

(SCOFFS)

Joe, you listening to this?

Huh?

Hey, come on, what, am I alone on this?

Okay, I don't want to fight.

So how 'bout if none of us go?

We'll just stay right here in town.

All right, you know what, we'll just think of

something else that we can all do together, huh?

Okay, great.

Please can I go?

Hey, I don't want to be the party pooper.

If you wanna go, fine.

Listen, if my daughter doesn't want to be seen

with me on her birthday, I understand that.

Tell you what, here's your permission slip

and take your new skis and leave your old dads and...

And have a happy birthday.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for you to get mad.

MICHAEL: That's all right.

Well, hey, how about if we go another weekend?

Sure.

You could've done that without the guilt.

It speaks.

It has an opinion, which is apparently that I'm wrong, huh?

No, you're just hurt.

And you're not?

A little bit.

But not enough to support me

when I could've used your help here.

(SIGHS)

Oh, that's it. Four words, you're all talked out?

You wanna lie down for a couple of minutes, Pops?

Hey, I didn't agree with you, all right?

You think that she's right to do this to us?

Do what to us?

She wants to spend her birthday with her friends.

Come on, when you were 16 years old,

did you spend your birthday with your parents?

Yes.

What, because they made you feel guilty?

No, there was no guilt involved.

My father gave me a choice,

he said, "You can spend your birthday with us,

"or you can go out with your friends and k*ll your mother."

Hey, Mike, she's 16, all right?

This is the beginning.

There's a lot of things she's gonna wanna do with her friends.

And she's not gonna be your little girl forever, so you gotta...

You gotta start learning to let go.

Now.

Let go? I can't let go. I can't just become

a useless, worthless appendage in somebody's life.

Hey, Michael...

Buddy, don't underestimate yourself.

Well, what is it?

Appendicitis.

Are you gonna operate?

Unless you want to.

She's gonna be okay, right?

They're prepping her now

and in an hour and a half it'll all be over.

Then she can have all the ice cream she wants.

Isn't that tonsillitis?

Whoa, I better hit the books.

I'm kidding.

Great. 200 miles from nowhere, we got Dr. Shecky.

How's the foot?

Ah, the foot's fine. Just a little sprain.

I don't even feel a thing. Ow!

You're not gonna be happy till that's a stump, are ya?

Give me that.

Mr. Harris, could you sign this release form, please?

It gives us permission to operate on your daughter.

So I sign this and that's it, it's final.

She gets operated on?

NURSE: Please don't worry.

Hey, how can I not worry? That's my daughter in there.

Hi, Dads.

Now, I know you guys are scared, but I'm gonna be fine.

Right? Right.

Better than ever.

Hey, you're gonna be the new, improved Nicole.

Can't wait.

JOEY: All right, well, you hang in there, kiddo, okay?

All right.

Michael...

What?

My hand.

Oh, look at that.

Hey, remember yesterday, I said I didn't wanna let go?

I just let go.

Boy, do I feel useless.

I wish we knew a little more about that doctor in there,

I'll tell you that. Hey, Mike,

will you stop worrying? Come on, he looks okay to me.

Oh, he looks okay to you?

The guy could've studied surgery through the mail,

but he's got the Joey Harris

"Looks okay to me" seal of approval.

Come on, for all we know, this is the guy... Yow!

You were saying? Looks okay to me.

Good. Come on,

you're gonna make yourself crazy.

You're telling me you're not in the least bit worried about this guy?

Not really. No.

Well, come on, it's not like we're out in some cave someplace.

No, we're in a hospital. We're in a...

A modern medical facility.

(COW MOOS)

With a petting zoo.

Mr. Harris?

That's me. Hey, is she okay?

Everything's fine.

See, I told ya.

Congratulations, it's a boy. (CHUCKLES)

What are you talkin' about?

She was a girl when she went in there, she better be a girl when she comes out.

Now you go back in and you get all the boys stuff

off of her, you turn her back into my daughter, you understand me?

Excuse me.

I'm Mr. Harris.

Of course you are.

I'm tense.

You're tense and I'm useless.

What a great team we make.

I just... I just wish there was something we could do.

Hey, we're here, okay?

Just the fact that she knows that we're here, that makes us useful.

You know, I was thinking of this whole day,

I can't believe we even got here.

That old motorcycle of yours came in pretty handy.

Yeah, you wanna buy it?

All right, there's no answer in Nicole Bradford's cabin.

All right. Ring Zach Nichols' room.

Yeah, real loud.

You beautiful machine.

I don't even know why I'm thinkin' of sellin' you.

Oh, yeah. I remember now.

No answer there, either, huh?

All right, look, ring every fireplace in the lodge, okay?

All right, okay, okay, okay, okay.

All right, just leave a message for Nicole then.

Just tell her that Joey says "Happy Birthday".

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Just a minute!

Just a minute!

Just a minute. Comin' with ya.

One second.

Hey, Julian! How ya doin'?

Hey, Joe.

I wanna thank you for holding onto that bike

long enough to give me a sh*t at it.

Yeah, well, you better act quickly

'cause that bike ain't gonna be around too long.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Joe, I gotta admit somethin' to ya,

I don't know anything about motorcycles.

I mean, it's pretty enough,

but for all I know, it could be garbage.

Yeah, well, like you say, what do you know, right?

Well, I hope you don't mind but I asked somebody to

meet me here who does know about these things.

JUDGE WILBUR: Hi.

Judge? Is that it?

Yeah. Isn't she a beauty?

What do you think, Judge?

I don't know yet.

Well, shouldn't you be lookin' at the bike?

I don't know anything about motorcycles.

But you said you were an expert.

I am. I'm a Joey expert.

Okay, Joe, how old's the bike?

It's a classic.

How old?

It's a collector's item.

How old?

Okay, next question.

Where was it made?

Hey, that bike was made in the...

The motorcycle capital of the world.

Egypt.

What do you think, Julian?

I don't know, Judge. What do I think?

Pass.

You heard me, Joe.

Hey, Julian. Bye, Mikey.

Hey, bundle up. It's cold out there.

It's gettin' real cold.

I saw a guy go to rub his nose, broke it right off.

It's supposed to snow, too, I hear.

Snow? Well...

Well, that makes it a perfect weekend for skiing.

Oh, here we go. Come on.

We'll hitch a ride up to the slopes right now.

Oh, I forgot, I'd only embarrass everybody there.

Hey, Michael, you know, I just called Nicole and I wished her a happy birthday.

I left a message. Why don't you do the same thing, huh?

No. No. Come on.

No, I can picture it.

She's, you know... She's at dinner and the maitre d' says,

"Ms. Bradford, we've got an embarrassing phone call for you.

"It's your father.

"Would you like to take the call or would you rather be

"dipped in pudding and made to sing I'm a Little Teapot

"in front of all your friends?"

Hey, Judge, will you do something with this guy, huh?

Sure.

Michael...

Grow up.

Come on, Judge. That's what you say all the time.

Do better.

Did you think she was gonna want to spend every birthday with you?

No, I... I thought this one.

You know, 16.

I just feel like she's kind of outgrowing me.

Congratulations.

Why?

Because you and Joey have made her feel secure enough

to want to do things without you.

And secure enough to tell you about it.

You did a good thing.

See that, I did good.

Explain it to him why and I'll listen in.

Michael, she was born knowing how to be a child.

You're teaching her how to be an adult.

See, that's exactly what I told him.

The hell you did.

What you said... You said,

"Get over it, butthead."

Hey, Michael, Michael, you gotta learn to read between the lines, buddy.

Well, I didn't have my Bozo decoder ring, buddy.

Where you goin'?

Well, my work in this town is done.

Come on, give her a call. Wish her a happy birthday.

All right, I will.

And you know she's so darn grown up, I'm gonna reverse the charges.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Yeah, this is Michael Taylor.

What?

What hospital?

What?

What? What? What?

Nicole had stomach pains. They took her to a hospital.

They don't know exactly what's wrong.

Can we... Can we talk to her?

Oh, oh, okay.

All right, you tell her that we'll...

We're up there as soon as we can.

We're on our way. Okay.

We gotta get up there, Joe.

How are we gonna get up there? There's no trains.

No busses. Nobody's gonna... Cabs won't even take us in this weather.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Come on. Get on. Oh. Oh.

Let's go, come on!

She's asking for you guys.

Is she really gonna be okay?

Well, she's fine.

But don't be upset, she's gonna look a little different,

what with her head shaved and all.

Why'd you have to shave her head? It was an appendectomy.

Oh, this isn't gonna look good on my record.

Kidding. (LAUGHS)

The operation went perfectly.

She'll be out of here in a couple of days.

Go.

How you feeling, sweetie?

Dads?

Is that you?

Come closer.

Let me feel your faces.

Kidding!

(LAUGHS)

Hey, I told you she was gonna be a doctor.

Michael, are you still mad at me?

How could I be mad?

Well, I was thinking,

maybe you were right.

I mean, maybe I was being a little selfish,

not sharing my birthday with you.

JOEY: Are you kidding?

You figured out a way to spend your birthday with your friends and your dads.

That's pretty smart thinking.

You know what I mean.

It's not like I don't love you guys.

I know, it's just that, uh,

you're growin' up now.

And so are we.

Okay, me. So are me.

I don't know, I guess I wasn't as ready

for your growin' up as you were.

And I know I'm supposed to be really happy about that,

so I am going to try.

But I'll tell you, truthfully, I would, you know...

I would still like to hear...

Once in a while, I'd like to hear you say, you know...

Daddy.

That.

I'm so glad you guys are here.

Hey, we love you, with or without your appendix.

You know, Zach and all your friends have been calling.

They want to know when they can see you.

Later, okay?

Right now, I just want to be with you.

You hear that?

She wants to be with us.

Happy birthday, Nicole.

(MUSIC PLAYING)