03x17 - It's My Art, and I'll Die If I Want To

[bunniefuu]

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Get milk.

Get butter.

Get apple juice.

Hey, will you quit makin' me little lists of things to do, hah?

I mean, what do you think I do,

just sit around here all day and do nothin'?

(SCOFFS) I'm an artist.

I happen to be workin' right now.

Get job.

Hey, look, the Judge sent us a postcard from Australia...

"Greetings from down under.

"Did you know this entire country started as one big prison colony?

"My kind of place.

"Michael, hope you remembered to feed my cat."

Bury cat.

Michael!

I'm kidding.

(FRENCH ACCENT) I make ze little dead cat joke.

Oh, no. I'm dead.

What did you do now? I didn't do anything!

Look at this.

"Joey Harris,

"talented Soho artist dies."

Does it really say that?

Yeah. Hard to believe. They actually say "talented".

Hey, I know what's goin' on here.

They're talkin' about this other local artist, Joey Marris.

I used to get his mail.

Now I get his obituary...

Hey, do you believe that, huh?

Guy works his whole life, never gets a break,

he dies and they spell his name wrong.

That is sad.

Yeah. Now everybody's gonna think I'm dead.

Hey, well, Joe, that's... That's a common mistake.

Well, I gotta call the paper.

I gotta get this straightened out.

Gotta head off to school, Dad. Rest in peace.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

Hey, listen, I just cleaned up, so do me a favor,

don't rot all over the place, hah?

Hello.

Yeah, can you give me your...

Your obituary department, please?

Yeah, I can hold. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Is this Joey Harris' place?

Yeah.

I just read about his untimely death.

Very sad.

Okay, is this his stuff?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

The artist dies and the price goes up.

Come on, let's not waste time here.

I'm in the business. I understand these things.

Now... What about this thing?

What're we talkin' here...

Five, maybe ten grand?

Okay, that... That's sounds fair.

After all, this guy was a bum.

He couldn't come near that price when he was alive.

Hello?

What's that, another gallery calling already?

The vultures! Okay, okay.

I'll go, uh... 20.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, look, I got a guy here that says he'll go 20...

Do I hear 25?

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

Honey, yes, I... I take swipes at Joey's art,

but you know that I think he's really talented...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you bought this?

(SCOFFS) What, are you nuts?

That's one of our kitchen chairs.

It's a Joey Harris original.

He's one of the finest up and coming dead artists.

Joey?

Shh...

No, not "Joey". Joey is dead.

I'm Bernie. Joey's agent. Come on in.

Why... Why are you writing on chairs?

Hey, I sign 'em and I sell 'em.

That's the art biz, babe.

That's ridiculous!

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got $84,000 right here

that says that you are wrong.

$84,000?

Yeah, and I've only been dead for one day.

(STAMMERING) You can't do that!

(STAMMERING) That's illegal... (GIGGLING)

That's immoral.

(CHUCKLING) Yes, it's so immoral.

Can I have that? Yeah.

Dad, we can get all kinds of stuff now.

(GASPS) A big screen TV!

A microwave!

A car!

Joey, you should've dropped dead years ago.

Hey, thanks.

You know, Joe, you're setting a very bad example for your daughter.

You're lying to people.

Hey, Mikie! Mike, a lie is not what I'm doing, all right?

The lie is that the artist's work is worth more after he dies.

Come on, Joe, you're writing on furniture.

You're pretending to be Bernie.

You're out of control!

You're out of control, Joe.

So cut it out!

So just stop it and I... I insist.

Call... Call the paper and tell them that you're alive.

Right now. Come on, one week, please just one week.

If I can be dead for one week, I can retire.

No, come on. You can't believe

that what you're doing is okay?

Hey, what am I doin'?

Come on, I'm sellin' fine art.

Fine art signed by the artist.

Thanks for the deal, Bernie.

This'll look great over the fireplace.

Tell a friend.

You call that "art"?

No, they call it art. I call it 5,800 bucks.

That's it, Joe.

I gotta draw the line. Just stop.

Stop right now, okay?

Just get our stuff back.

Give them their money back and stop.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

Hey, wait up!

Joey, maybe he's right.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe he is, sweetheart, huh?

Yeah, maybe...

Maybe I should just forget about all those years

I worked to get people to appreciate my work, huh?

Maybe I should just forget about all those guys out there

my age that are buying cars and houses

when I can't even afford to buy my daughter a little present

to show her how much I love her.

That's sweet, Dad, but that's not what's important.

Hey, Nick, I spent a lot of years as an artist.

If anybody deserves to die, it's me.

True.

But even if you bought me something really great with this money,

I don't think I could even enjoy it.

(PONY WHINNYING)

Boy, was I wrong.

How much for this one?

Oh, no.

I couldn't possibly sell this one.

It means too much to me.

You see, Papa Joe...

May he rest in peace...

(NICOLE SOBS) Oh, I'm so sorry.

It must be very painful for you.

He was painting it for me,

which makes it very, very valuable.

How valuable?

It's priceless.

Oh. But for you, 1,150.

Eleven. Daddy! Daddy!

1,120. My final offer.

You got it. Great.

Congratulations.

You have just purchased the last painting ever created by Joey Harris.

Dad, we need another blue one.

JOEY: Coming right up.

(PAINT CANS RATTLING)

Mr. Harris, is this right?

What, you got a moral problem?

Hey, you think the people that're buyin' this stuff have any morals? No!

If they got a nice space above their couch and I'm dead, they're happy.

So what are you worried about whether it's right or not?

No, I'm just askin' if the blotch goes at the top or the bottom.

Oh. Who cares?

NICOLE: Uh-oh.

Michael is walking into the building.

All right. Then clean it up. Let's go.

Come on, move!

Move, move, move!

Hey, just, throw it in there.

We cut it a little close that time.

Yeah, you know, we should set an alarm something.

Well, don't worry about it. He's not gonna suspect anything.

Daddy's home! ALL: Hey!

What's everybody doing?

(ALL RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

I see.

Well, that's good.

We got the couch back, I noticed, and the chairs.

Joe, you did the right thing.

Hey, absolutely.

So you kids staying for dinner?

(SIGHS) Not me. I'm stuffed.

All right.

Well, isn't this is my lucky day?

You know this morning I found a subway token,

and now I find...

A $1,000 bill.

Hold it!

You're on a roll! (CHUCKLES)

Go.

Great job, slick. Now we have to finish high school.

Say, Joe, I'm wonderin' maybe...

Maybe you know how would...

How would Cory happen to come by, oh...

Say $70,000?

Recycling?

I don't think so.

Paper route?

You got your daughter involved in this?

Nice. Very nice. Upstairs.

You and I are gonna talk about this later.

I know. I know.

Now you're gonna teach me what's right and wrong.

No. I'm gonna try and remind you

of the Joey Harris that I used to know who cared about his family.

Who cared about his integrity.

Yeah, you... You used to say that money meant nothing to you.

Yeah, that's when I was broke.

You're selling your soul, Joe.

Hey, you're a hypocrite, you know that?

You take sh*ts at me when I'm not selling the stuff

and then you take sh*ts at me when I am.

Well, just do me a favor, okay, stay out of it.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

'Cause I got no problem.

Bernie, we've got a problem.

What's that, Dave? It's in today's paper.

A correction in the obituaries.

It seems Joey Marris d*ed yesterday. Not Joey Harris.

What's the point, Dave?

I bought a lot of Harris' stuff from you, Bernie.

At inflated dead guy prices.

If he's still alive, I got a gallery full of ka-ka.

He's dead, Dave.

I'm glad to hear you say that, Bernie.

'Cause if there's one thing we in the art world do not take lightly,

it's fraud.

Fr... ...aud.

People go to jail for that, Bernie.

For many, many years.

Well, he's real dead, Dave.

And, of course, you could prove this, Bernie?

I sure can, Dave.

(SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

JOEY: Ow!

Dad, you can't let Joey go through with this funeral thing.

I'm sorry, honey.

But you try talkin' to Joey?

It's like talking to a dead man.

Dad, cut it out. It's not funny.

I mean, I'm surprised at you, anyway.

I mean, didn't you and I have this big talk about

how lying and deceiving people is wrong? Yes.

Well, if you're gonna change your mind, I want my horsie back.

Sweetie, I'm not changin' my mind.

You're practically helping him. No, I'm not.

I... I merely suggested, that dollar-for-dollar,

mahogany's a much better value than knotty pine.

Dad!

But honey, I'm glad you learned your lesson.

I really am. Unfortunately, Joey has not.

Oh, wait a minute.

You got a plan, don't you?

Maybe...

Come on, come on. You're mourning your father.

Have fun with it.

(KNOCKING RHYTHMICALLY)

JOEY: (HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Who is it?

It's candy gram, moron.

(DEEP VOICE) Good evening...

(CHUCKLES) What do you think, huh?

I figure they open the casket, big laugh.

Very funny. Look, I'm gonna try one more time

to talk you out of this.

Hey, come on, you're just jealous.

I'm jealous?

Yeah, 'cause you know that if you got hit by a bus tomorrow,

they're ain't no way you can afford a box like this baby.

I got a phone in here.

What are you gonna do about tomorrow, huh?

And the day after tomorrow? What're you...

You gonna be dead for the rest of your life?

We already talked about this, right?

I'm in too deep. I could go to jail.

Well, just tell them what you did. Give the money back.

No, it's my money. I earned it.

Hey, if that's what they think my art is worth,

then that's what it's worth, right?

And I can't talk anymore 'cause I'm dead.

That's it? That's. That's your final word?

JOEY: That's it. If you don't like it, tough!

Yeah well, you're...

(CHUCKLES) A little...

A little ventriloquist thing we used to do that he enjoyed so much.

Great. I love that stuff.

Tell me, can you sing without moving your lips?

Can I... No, I...

(JOEY SINGING) ♪♪ By the light...

♪♪ Of the silvery moon

♪♪ Your gentle beams will bring love's dream

♪♪ We'll be cuddlin' soon

♪♪ By the silvery moon ♪♪

(HIGH PITCHED GARGLE)

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Dad, this is ridiculous.

Just hang in there a little longer, sweetheart.

It's amazing how much this guy looks like his manager, Bernie.

JOEY: This is it. Moment of truth.

Don't breathe. Don't breathe.

He's dead.

I'm happy.

JOEY: Yes, yes, yes!

(SNIFFLING) Joe... Joe.

You were like a brother to me.

(SOBBING) I can't believe this.

JOEY: Who the hell was that?

Oh, Joey.

JOEY: Oh, Marcia.

Joey, Joey...

Marcia, Marcia...

When you were alive, I was never in the mood.

Well, I know it's a little late, but...

I'm in the mood now.

Hi.

JOEY: I'll k*ll him. I swear I'll k*ll him!

Hey, pal.

We were doin' the matinee and...

When I heard the news, I...

I crashed the clown car.

You know Boffo can't let you go without one for old time's sake.

(LAUGHING)

JOEY: What a clown.

Harris, you didn't know me, but you knew my girlfriend.

JOEY: Oh, no. This can't be good...

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Okay, okay, you made it, you made it.

Can't get worse than that.

Oh, God!

Joey, I just got back from Australia when I found out.

I couldn't believe it.

Joey Harris.

So young.

So vital.

How could he be dead?

JOEY: She doesn't know.

(CHUCKLING) She can't know. How could she know?

(WAILING) She made me tell!

She's so scary!

MICHAEL: We are gathered here...

...to say goodbye to Joey Harris.

My oldest and dearest friend.

A compassionate and sensitive man.

A feeling man.

I look at him now...

And it saddens me to think...

...that he feels no more.

No.

Joey Harris can't feel this...

As a matter of fact, he... He can't, even feel this...

But as I say, we are here to say goodbye to Joey Harris...

And when we leave here, all we'll have left of Joey are memories.

So let's ask ourselves. How would Joey Harris want us to remember him?

I know how I'll remember him.

I'll remember him as a...

As a guy who spent a lot of time on his hair.

He would, he would brush it and comb it and...

Just style it to perfection.

Then he'd put it on.

But I don't think that's how he'd want to be remembered.

No.

Nor would he want to be remembered for his courageous,

but ultimately futile struggle against bedwetting.

So let's ask ourselves. How would Joey Harris want to be remembered?

I think we all know.

His art. Hmm?

Because an artist's work is his lasting legacy.

It's his way of saying, "Hey, world, this is who I am!"

And who was Joey Harris?

This was Joey Harris...

(CONGREGATION APPLAUDING)

And this work, I think, typifies the man's genius.

This is a work that his daughter can look at with pride

for the rest of her life and say,

"This is whatT Joey Harris' art was all about."

Wait a minute!

(GASPS) (NOSE SQUEAKING)

I'm not gonna lie here and listen to this.

First of all, this is my real hair.

And second of all,

that is not art, that is garbage, and my daughter knows that.

And she knows... She knows how hard I worked to get to where I am today.

She knows that I know I'm wrong for what I did today

because I'm a real artist who's gonna be remembered for his real work.

I am a real artist.

Who's going to a real jail.

Here's me at the Great Barrier Reef.

(PROJECTOR CLICKS)

Here's me at the Great Barrier Reef.

Here's me at the Great Barrier Reef.

Judge, please, haven't I been punished enough yet?

Did I negotiate a settlement with Dave?

Yeah.

Did I get you off the hook with all those angry art collectors?

Yes!

Did I keep you out of jail by having you give all the money back?

Yes!

Here's me at the Great Barrier Reef.

Dinner!

Hey Judge. What do you think?

Can you suspend Joey's sentence long enough to let him eat?

Sure.

You know, Micheal...

I enjoyed your little speech.

But I'm wondering...

If Joey hadn't done the right thing at the right moment,

how were you gonna get him to admit he wasn't dead?

Oh, that's easy. We were gonna have him cremated.

Well, I'm outta here.

Joe, we'll pick up where we left off first thing in the morning.

I still got three weeks of slides left.

(GROANS) Cremate me!

NICOLE: Judge, what are you doing?

I'm taking one of these. My fee.

Why? They're garbage.

Yeah, now.

But you gotta die someday.

(MUSIC PLAYING)