♪ Here we are ♪
♪ Face-to-face ♪
♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪
♪ Hopin' to find ♪
♪ We're two of a kind ♪
♪ Makin' a go ♪
♪ Makin' it grow ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ Takin' the time each day ♪
♪ To learn all about ♪
♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪
♪ Two silver spoons together ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
♪ You and I together ♪
All right.
I'll see your two M&M plain...
and raise you
one M&M peanut.
I'll call you, Edward.
Mr. Dealer?
I'm in.
Man takes a queen.
Look out,
pair of ladies there.
Whoa. Cool down,
cool down.
[WHOOPS]
Five of hearts,
no help.
Ding, ding, ding.
Mm-hmm.
Dealer takes.
Four of diamonds.
Look out, possible
straight flush there.
Thank you very much.
Ladies, bet.
No way you've got
a straight flush.
I bet it all.
It's too fattening
for my blood.
I'm out.
"I'll see you,"
said the spider to the fly.
What do you got, Dad?
Three queens.
Great. And you're right.
I don't have
a straight flush.
[LAUGHS]
But I do have a straight.
Read 'em and weep.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
KATE: Yoo-hoo.
[TOOT TOOT]
[TOOT]
Whoo.
Well, come on and get it.
Yum-yum for the tum-tum.
I would've been here sooner,
but I hit some bad track
and had a terrible
guacamole spill.
Ah.
Edward, which goes better
with imported Russian caviar--
Green Kool-Aid or Yoo-hoo?
Oh, Ricky. I suppose
you told your father about...
Oh,
you didn't tell him?
Oh, you did
tell him?
Tell him what?
[SIGHS] Oh, nothing.
Ox and I just had
a little fight today.
Come on, jacks or better
to open. Let's ante up.
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.
You were in a fight?
Not a big one.
Ox and I just shoved each other
around a little.
[SIGHS]
Ricky, I've told you.
There are other ways
of settling your differences
than duking it out.
You can debate things
and discuss it
in a civil manner.
Ox called you
balloon head.
I hope you
knocked his block off.
Balloon head?
[COUGHING]
I thought you settled things
with this bully.
Look,
it's no big deal, Dad.
It's just typical kid stuff.
Ox insulted you,
we pushed each other around
a little bit,
his pants fell down,
and I threw his pants
down a manhole.
I'm sure Ox has forgotten
the whole thing by now.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ox!
Hey, his name is Hobart.
Son, is this the punk
that deep-sixed your pants?
Yeah, Pop.
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
Stratton? Willard Doyle.
Yeah, this is my attorney--
Leonard Rollins.
Hello.
And my secretary--
Kate Summers.
Hell-o.
Goodbye.
Uh, Mr. Doyle.
We-We love having visitors.
We really do.
But we've found,
over the years,
that most of our guests arrive
wearing pants.
That's the whole point.
You see, your son
took my son's pants
and threw 'em
down the sewer.
He had to run home
like that
with everybody
laughing at him.
Oh, that-that must've been
humiliating.
Yeah. Can I
put my pants on now, Pop?
No!
I want all of these people
to see just how humiliated
you are.
Turn around.
Look at that.
Again.
[BOTH LAUGH]
See?
Now, nobody
should be subjugated
to that
kind of humiliation.
I see your point.
Yeah, well, you can
also see that my son
has suffered a great deal of
mental ang-ish.
Look, uh, uh...
Willard.
Willard.
I'll be glad to buy your son
a new pair of pants, okay?
You rich guys
are all alike.
You think you can
look down on me
'cause I have to work
for a living.
You think I'm slime
'cause I got dirt
under my fingernails.
Well, I'm not slime!
I'm just an ordinary
hardworking Joe
who sees here
a golden opportunity
to take you
for an easy 50 thou.
[SNICKERS]
Willard, you're not slime.
Sludge, maybe.
Stratton, all I'm
talking about here
is an out-of-court settlement,
pure and simple.
Court?
Yeah.
Your son gave my son
a terrible case
of whiplash.
Right, Hobart?
Yeah, Pop.
Hobart.
Yeah? Oh.
[GROANING]
He's faking it, Dad.
We know he's faking, Ricky.
Edward, if I were you,
I wouldn't give this guy
one red cent.
Don't worry, Leonard.
I won't.
Alan Watenmaker
has agreed to be my attorney.
Whoa, ho ho ho.
Alan Watenmaker.
Big deal.
Leonard here happens to be
the best attorney
in this country.
He'll cream
this Alan Watenmaker in court.
Won't you, Leonard?
Won't you, Leonard?
Yo, Leonard.
Would you take a check?
But, Dad...
You're right, son.
You're right.
This is
a matter of principle,
and if you insist on
taking this to court, Mr. Doyle,
well, then, we'll just have to
let a judge decide it, won't we?
Good day. Hobart.
Hobart, why are you trying to
steal my father's money?
Simple. Stealing money
makes me feel good inside.
In that case, you've got
a big future in politics!
Is that Alan Watenmaker
over there?
Yeah. He's autographing
his new book--
Winning Through Whiplash.
I don't trust him.
I know he's got a trick
up his sleeve.
He'll do anything
to sway a jury.
Oh, boy. Oh, no.
Don't you worry, Ricky.
He's not gonna get
a nickel out of us.
Right, Leonard?
Leonard?
Yo, Leonard.
Kate, did you bring
my checkbook?
Don't worry, Leonard.
We've got a trick
up our sleeve, too.
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
All rise for his honor--
You poor kid.
All rise for his honor,
Judge Harold S. Nutterman.
Be seated.
The, uh, people
are ready to hear the case
of Hobart Doyle...
Oh, you poor kid.
Hobart Doyle
vs. Richard Stratton.
Uh, this is a civil suit
asking for medical damages
in the amount of $218.67
and for punitive damages
in the amount of
$67,000,000?
Now, uh, I have met with
both attorneys
concerning a pretrial motion.
Uh... just a minute, please.
Bailiff.
I'm still not sure
about this.
I mean,
if I grant this motion,
it could make me
a laughingstock.
That might improve your image.
Huh?
Judge, this case could generate
a ton of publicity.
Oh?
And you've gotta do something
if you wanna be re-elected.
The people of New York,
they need you.
Are you saying this
because you mean it
or because
you're my son-in-law?
Both, Your Honor.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, as I was saying,
um, the defendant,
Richard Stratton,
has requested
a pretrial motion.
And, uh, although
it's unprecedented,
I have, uh...
decided to grant it.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
you are
charged with the task
of weighing the evidence
fairly and completely.
Now you were chosen
because the defendant,
Richard Stratton,
has requested that he be tried
by a jury of his peers.
Are there any questions?
Now look, I ain't saying
that my son
ain't busted heads
with his buddies before...
But what you really mean to say
is he has never been subjected
to outright brutality
until he started
associating with
Richard Stratton.
Is that not correct?
Hey, he's good.
Jury will pay attention!
This is a courtroom
and not a playground!
NUTTERMAN: Yes?
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Can't you wait
till the next recess?
Well, I'll try,
but believe me,
we're all taking a big risk.
Uh, Mr. Doyle,
how has poor Hobart's
life changed
since he was
so savagely att*cked
by Richard Stratton?
Objection, Your Honor!
It has not been established
that his son was, in fact,
att*cked by my client.
Objection sustained.
[CHEERING]
All right, all right.
I'll rephrase the question.
Uh, Mr. Doyle,
since your son's tragic injury,
has he suffered in any way?
Oh, yes, sir.
That kid's really hurting.
He hasn't been able to do
any of his chores
around the house.
Um, he hasn't been able to do
any of his schoolwork.
He hasn't been able to play
any video games.
[ALL CLAMOR]
My youngest son's life
has been totally
and royally screwed up!
Uh, thank you, Mr. Doyle.
Your witness.
Mr. Doyle.
[BOOING]
No questions
at this time.
Bailiff,
the witness is excused.
Aah.
Hey!
[BOOING]
[GAVEL BANGING]
Keep it up, Dad,
and they'll give me
the electric chair.
That's enough.
I will have order in my court.
Aah!
Call your next witness!
I call to the stand
Hobart Doyle.
Raise your right hand.
Thank you. I always carry
my own Bible.
Raise your right hand.
Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?
I do.
Young man, if you feel tired
or if you experience any pain,
if you'd let me know,
I'll call a recess.
I can't enjoy recess anymore,
Your Honor,
but thanks anyway.
Hobart, are you familiar with
the defendant--
Richard Stratton?
Oh, yes. Richard and I
go to school together.
Ah, and were you and he
good friends?
Well, sir,
I wanted to be his friend,
but he got
all the kids in school
to call me a name.
Now, I know this is going to be
very difficult for you, Hobart,
but can you tell us the name
he called you?
Ox.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]
[GAVEL BANGING]
See what I mean?
I'm a very
sensitive person.
That's why I just
could not believe it
when Richard came at me
with that meat cleaver.
Meat cleaver?
I managed to knock it
out of his hand,
and fortunately,
I tackled him
before he could get to
the butcher Kn*fe.
Butcher Kn*fe?
You see? You see?
He's an animal.
Anyway,
when I turned to leave,
he knocked me over the head
with a baseball bat.
JURY: Baseball bat.
Ad when I fell down,
he... he... he...
[LOW VOICE]
"He jumped on my neck."
Huh?
"He jumped on my neck."
Oh, yeah.
He jumped on my neck
until I lost my consciousness.
That's a lie!
Sit down, young man.
Objection!
Young lady, sit down.
Bailiff, get her number.
Now, Hobart,
this is very important.
Do you hate
Richard Stratton now?
Oh, no, sir.
No, I don't hate Richard.
I just hope Richard
straightens himself out
before he kills somebody.
Like a judge, for instance.
Thank you, Hobart.
Thank you.
And in the words of
Obi-Wan Kenobi...
"May the force be with you."
[CHEERING]
[GAVEL BANGING]
Mr. Rollins.
Your Honor, may I have
a conference with my client?
You may.
Your Honor,
if it's going to be
a long one,
could I take the jury out
to see E.T.?
[CHEERING]
[GAVEL BANGING]
No, you may not.
[BOOING]
Sorry, g*ng.
Sorry. I tried.
I think your idea
is backfiring.
Mr. Watenmaker
is as good at fooling kids
as he is at fooling grown-ups.
I know.
Leonard, put me
on the stand right now.
LEONARD: Why?
I want to b*at them
at their own game.
I'm ready to testify.
Your Honor, I have no questions
for the witness at this time.
Thank you, Mr. Rollins.
Thank you, son.
That will be all. Sister.
JURY: Poor kid.
[JURY MURMURS]
Your Honor, we have completed
our case.
Good luck.
Mr. Rollins, would you care
to start for the defense?
Thank you,
Your Honor.
I wish to present
our first and only witness--
Ricky Stratton.
[JURY BOOING]
[GAVEL BANGING]
Raise your right hand.
Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?
I do.
Ricky, you heard
Hobart's testimony.
Why don't you
tell this courtroom
and the good boys and girls
of this jury
what happened
between you two?
Just tell the story
in your own words.
Yes, sir. I--
Well, what happened is...
Well, the truth is,
I did shove Hobart Doyle.
I shoved him,
and he fell down.
[GASPS] He admits it.
[MURMURING]
But listen.
I want you to understand
why I did it.
You see,
Hobart insulted my father.
Guys, let me tell
about my dad.
You know how sometimes
when you ask your parents
a question,
they'll just ignore you
or tell you
to stop bothering them?
Hey, well, not my dad.
I can ask him anything
at any time.
He'll always listen
real close
and tell me
the God's honest truth.
Like, when I asked him
how a man and a woman
made a baby,
he told me the truth.
It made me throw up.
But it was still the truth.
And, like, when I ask him
to play with me,
he always does.
He-- He'll play catch with me,
he'll trap tadpoles with me.
He'll even read
a comic book with me.
Now, I know
that my father loves me.
But you wanna know
what's really great?
He likes me, too.
He likes me
being around and...
he makes me feel,
well, as if
I'm his best friend.
So when that kid over there
insulted him, I got mad!
They were lies,
and I wanted him to take them
back, but he wouldn't!
So you decide.
So you tell me if I was wrong
to defend my own father!
What would you have done?
Could you have let him
get away with it?
ALL: No!
Neither could I!
I stood up for the greatest guy
in the whole world--
my father!
[CHEERING]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
What about me?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I got whiplash!
I'm...
[SING-SONG] Standing up.
Ow?
Hallelujah!
It's a miracle!
The jury will retire
to consider the evidence.
Let's hang him!
Yeah!
JURY: Hang him,
hang him, hang him...
What the heck?
Case dismissed!
[JURY CHEERING]
Hey.
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ Takin' the time each day ♪
♪ To learn all about ♪
♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪
♪ Two silver spoons together ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna-- ♪