01x03 - Busy Wife

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
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A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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01x03 - Busy Wife

Post by bunniefuu »

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪ [theme]

Well, did you find a
good movie, honey?

There's a new Japanese
picture at the arts cinema:

Yukimura Samurai.

Oh, I'm not crazy about
those foreign pictures.

When they're finished, I'm
always 5 subtitles behind.

Those subtitles in Brigitte Bardot's
pictures don't seem to bother you.

With her, who reads?

Oh, ma petit,

[French accent] To
me, you are combination

of Brigitte Bardot, Gina
Lollobrigida, and Larry Sherry.

Larry Sherry? Isn't
he a baseball pitcher?

Mais oui. But like him, you
have ze wonderful curves.

Oh. Hello, Kay.

The last time my
husband kissed me

was New Years Eve, 1946.

In the dark, he thought
I was the cigarette girl.

Wilbur and I are going
to a movie tonight.

How about you and
Roger joining us?

Oh, can't. My civic group is meeting
tonight, and I'm heading up a new campaign.

Really? It sounds exciting.

Sweetie, why don't
you join my club?

How about coming along tonight?

- Oh, I don't think so.
- Oh, you go on, honey.

I think women should take
an interest in civic affairs.

Right now, our group is fighting for
something important. Very important.

Anything that helps the
community helps the country.

What are you fighting for?

Benches at every bus stop.

Oh. Well, if we don't
elect a woman president,

at least you'll have a
few seats in the House.

- Wilbur, are you sure
you don't mind?
- Not at all.

This'll give me a great chance to
finish up those Whittaker sketches.

- Oh, let's go, huh?
- Kay?

- Hmm?
- If I do join, can I be
on your committee?

Well, do you like Mabel Benson?

- Not really.
- Then you're on my committee.

Come on, sweetie. We'll be late.

These Westerns...
They all look alike to me.

Thought you
didn't like Westerns.

I'm waiting for
Leonard Bernstein.

Well, you'll have to catch
Leonard Bernstein some other time.

I have work to do.

Lowbrow.

- Hello, Wilbur.
- Oh, hi, Roger.

I can't understand why you
don't build an office in the house.

How can you work in a barn
near this broken-down nag?

[snorts]

I have a feeling that
horse doesn't like me.

Oh, by the way,
your wife dropped by.

She took Carol
to a club meeting.

“Club meeting”? I hope you have
a good photograph of your wife.

- Why?
- You may not be
seeing her for years.

So you let your wife join a women's
committee for civic improvement?

And what is so
terrible about that?

Before Kay joined the
W.C.C.I., I had a wife.

Now I find I'd married a gypsy.

Oh, she doesn't leave
you alone that much.

I have to stick pins in a
map to keep track of her.

Wilbur, when you let
your wife join that group,

you became a husband
without portfolio.

A married bachelor. A man
in search of a can opener.

Now, wait a minute, Roger.

Carol would never
neglect me for anything.

Mark my words. The only
time you'll see her in the kitchen

is when she's passing through
on her way to meet the girls.

You just don't know my wife.

Your wife, my wife...
They're all alike.

They get married to
escape their parents.

Then they join clubs so they
can escape their husbands.

- Oh, you're
exaggerating, Roger.
- ♪♪ [classical]

Hey! Who turned on
your television set?

I must've left it on.

You know, you're
all wrong about Carol.

You think Carol is different?
I'd say that by tomorrow,

your dear little wife is gonna
be so involved in her civic duties

that you'll be doing
the shopping for her.

- Care to make a bet on that?
- Any amount you want.

Sky's the limit.
How about a dollar?

You got a bet.
That'll be the day...

When Carol has me pushing
around a shopping cart.

Oh, pardon me.

I'd like 3 tomatoes.
Beef tomatoes.

The kind Mrs. Post gets.

Mrs. Post... She real fine lady.

- You Mr. Post?
- Yes.

I'm helping out
today. My wife is sick.

Oh, that's too bad. I throw
in extra tomato for good luck.

Oh, well, thank you very...

Here you are, Mr...

You lose something, Mr. Post?

Oh, yes. I dropped a dime.

Oh. I help you find.

I can't...

Hello, Sam. How are
the endives today?

Oh, fine. I see you're
shopping again.

Yes. Mrs. Addison has just started
a new campaign with her civic group.

Oh, you're gonna be with us
through watermelon season.

Excuse. Must find customer.

Please, if you must
squeeze, squeeze apple.

Good morning.

How come you look for dime
here when you drop there?

Well, you never know how
far money will go these days.

You feel all right, Mr. Post?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Post.
How come you out of bed?

What?

Uh, Sam, there's a wonderful
picture playing at the arts cinema.

Yukimura Samurai.
Why don't you go see it?

No. American
subtitles too confusing.

Wilbur, why did he ask me
what I was doing out of bed?

Oh, he just takes an
interest in his customers.

I'm glad you're gonna
finish the shopping.

Oh, but I'm not, Wilbur.
Darling, I'm on my way

to an emergency
meeting of the W.C.C.I.,

so would you be a darling
and take care of these things

after you finish your shopping?

“Have car washed, take
shoes to repair, pick up laundry.”

- I hope you don't mind, dear.
- Well, honey...

Ah, thanks, honey.

I believe the wager was for $1.

Thank you, little mother.

[phone conversation]

- Ed.
- Whoops.

Why do you insist
on eavesdropping?

You haven't been around
for 3 days. I'm lonesome.

Well, I've been busy?

Doing what? Keeping house?

What's wrong with a
man helping out his wife?

Nothing, Wilma.

“Wilma”? Wilbur.

Ed, I admit I have
been neglecting you,

but, really, these
committee meetings of Carol

- will be all finished with
in about 2 weeks.
- Maybe.

If you were a real man,
she'd stay home nights.

Are you suggesting that
Carol is losing interest in me?

If the horseshoe fits...

What am I doing wrong?

Nothing. That's what's wrong.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I have been
taking Carol for granted.

I mean, after a man's been
married for a few years,

he stops showering his wife
with these little attentions.

Then before you know it...

Strange cigarettes
in the ashtray.

Oh, no.

Still, I can't remember the last
time I brought Carol anything,

like.. well, like little things.

Like flowers.

Or perfume.

Or candy. Or even
take her dancing.

Stop jumping up and down.
You're making me dizzy.

Well, I'm not giving up.

No, sir.

Boy, am I glad I
remained a bachelor.

Honey, I've got so
much work to do.

Can I help you?

- Would you like to
hear my speech?
- Love it.

“Madame chairman...”

Beautiful! Beautiful! You
deserve a prize for this.

Oh, Wilbur, they're lovely.
What's the occasion?

You're my wife, and I love you.

Now, listen. “Madame chairman,

it is with pleasure that I
report to you tonight...”

Honey! “That the
funds for the benches

of every bus stop have...”

Wilbur, let me finish my speech.

- Go ahead. I'm listening.
- [phone rings]

Carol?

Velly solly. Long number.

Velly solly. Long number.

Honey, you should
have let me talk to her.

It might be something important.

You're a devil when
there's fire in your eyes.

- Maybe I'd better
call her back.
- Come here, you Jezebel.

Wilbur, what's happening?
What's gotten into you?

This is the real me...

Ardent, impetuous, irresistible.

Yes, you're just like a
great big old teddy bear.

Don't you two ever fight?

Hi, Kay.

“Velly solly, long number”?

You know, when you said it the second
time, your voice fooled me completely.

Oh, it was probably an echo.

We've been getting a
lot of that on the party line.

Still, I don't mind, as long as
they don't double our phone bill.

Carol, I've got good news.
We've just got a big contribution

from Mrs. Harding for
our bus bench drive.

Oh, how wonderful!
Who's Mrs. Harding?

Her husband
manufactures bus benches.

Now, there is a coincidence.

You know what this means?
With the added money,

we can keep our campaign
going for months and months.

- Isn't that great?
- And we're all gonna have to
pitch in and work twice as hard,

- Honey...
- maybe 3, 4 nights a week.

- Forget about the club.
- You can count on me.

Did you finish the
correspondence, dear?

- All we have to do
is stamp them and mail them.
- Costs $5.

They are divine.

- Honey, this is
your husband talking.
- What color?

Oh, heavens, they haven't
made up their mind about that.

- I'm going upstairs, honey.
- We'll have to call another
emergency meeting.

I'm gonna go upstairs and
throw myself out of the window.

[chatter continues]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Is Carol there?

Velly solly. Long number.

- Ed, would you please
get off the phone?
- Is this Carol Post's house?

Yes. This is Mr. Post.

This is Mabel Benson.

Oh, Mabel. My wife
left a message for you.

You are to pick up some
stationery at Joanne's.

Or Agnes's.

Or was it Linda's?

I vote for Agnes.

Ed, will you get off the phone?

Who are you talking to?

Would you believe it's a horse?

Mr. Post, isn't it rather
early in the morning

to be hitting the bottle?

Hello? Hello?

She hung up on us.

To quote my own immortal words,

“A man in search
of a can opener.”

Oh, no. I just got busy
with these sketches,

so I picked up a sandwich
at Hoffmeyer's Delicatessen.

- Anything wrong with that?
- No.

Only, I have the feeling
that for the next 6 months,

you're gonna be seeing more of
Hoffmeyer than you do your wife.

Oh, I don't know about that.

You know, it's quite
ironic, when you think of it.

Our wives out fighting
for benches at bus stops.

My wife's never been
on a bus in her life.

Well, the club is doing
some good, isn't it?

“Good”? Two years ago,
those women put up a fight

to save a park statue that
even the pigeons didn't want.

You know, I'm not gonna
beg Carol to give up the club.

I mean, if she wants to quit, she
can do it of her own will and accord.

I can see you now,

celebrating your golden
anniversary with Hoffmeyer.

My boy, to fill in

all those empty years ahead, I
would suggest you take up a hobby.

Perhaps, oh, butterfly mounting,

stamp collecting,
painting, taxidermy...

Wait, wait, wait.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.

What?

- You got it.
- Got what?

- I'm gonna take up a hobby.
- Yeah? What one?

Painting. That'll get
Carol back in the kitchen.

Taking up painting will get
Carol back in the kitchen?

Well, it will the
way I'm gonna do it.

Now, see, I've
got an easel here.

I just need to get some
canvas, some paints...

- Do you think
that's enough food?
- Is Mabel Benson coming?

- Uh-huh.
- Then you haven't got enough.

She's the only one I know
who starts with seconds.

[clattering]

Hello, girls.

Is it Halloween already?

What in the world are
you doing in that outfit?

Haven't you ever
seen an artist before?

Does he get enough
air in that barn?

I thought I would
take up a hobby,

as long as you were busy
with your club meetings.

Oh, I think that's
wonderful, honey.

Tonight I'm gonna do
a picture of Mister Ed.

Well, do a good job.

If it comes out nice, he
may order a half a dozen.

You know, I must get
that mouth on canvas.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, there are the girls.

Well, good luck with
your bus benches.

You shouldn't have
done that, you know.

I may never paint again.

Ed, what are you doing?

Cut off my ear and
call me van Gogh.

What are you doing
with my canvas?

Ed, I'm sorry.

I know I've been
neglecting you lately, but...

it won't be for long.

As you all know, our
campaign to get bus benches

on every corner is
rapidly gaining momentum.

The reason for this meeting
is to find an appropriate slogan.

Oh! Oh, I've got one.

A bench is a place
for people to meet.

It's also a wonderful
place to eat.

- How about this one?
- [doorbell rings]

Excuse me.

Uh, sit and leave
your trouble...

Hello, I'm Jane Parker.
Mr. Post is expecting me.

- He is?
- Yes. I'm modeling for him.

But I thought he was
painting his horse.

He is. I'll be sitting on it.

We're doing Lady Godiva.

Where is your husband's studio.

It's that building in the rear.

- Right off the patio.
- Thank you.

Oh, Ed, stop being so stubborn.

Nobody's sitting on my back.

You can talk. You
tell it to the model.

I only talk to you
and dumb animals.

Oh, very funny.

Very funny.

- Yes?
- I'm Jane Parker.

Oh, how do you
do? I'm Wilbur Post.

Didn't you bring your costume?

Sure. It's in here.

Well, you... you can
get changed in here.

I'll be outside.

I'm painting you by moonlight.

Oh, all right.

Oh, did, um...

did my wife say anything to you?

No. She just seemed
a bit surprised.

Good.

Just a minute. Excuse me.

[whinnies]

Here he comes!

It is therefore resolved that the Women's
Committee for Civic Improvement...

Uh, pardon me, girls. Do
you mind if I steal these olives?

Are you having martinis?

No.

Janie just had a yen for olives.

Hello, Wilbur.

- Oh, hi, Roger.
- What are you doing out here?

This is part of my plan to
get Carol back in the kitchen.

By painting your
horse? That's ridiculous.

Well, I'm ready.

Oh, this is Mr. Addison, my neighbor.
This is Miss Parker, my model.

May I split a canvas with you?

Ah! It's Roger!

Hello, dear. Just dropped
in for a tray of ice cubes.

Girls, meeting adjourned.

I think I'd better
put Picasso to bed.

Relax, my dear.

Now, smile. Show me
those beautiful teeth.

- Not you, Ed.
- I beg your pardon?

Oh, nothing. Just
smile, my dear.

Hi, dear.

Hello, honey.

Now, let's see those
lovely dimples, hmm?

That's wonderful!

Darling, it was
getting a little chilly,

and I thought maybe Miss Parker
would like to borrow my sweater.

No, thank you. I'm
very warm-blooded.

Uh, Janie, my dear,
lift the knee just a little.

That's it! That's it!

Wilbur?

Yes, dear?

How long do you think it's going
to take you to finish this picture?

A few weeks, a few months.

Rembrandt never punched
a time clock, you know.

Guess what? I just
resigned from my club.

You did?

Uh-huh. It was taking
up too much of my time.

Well, you know best, dear.

What do you think?

Not very good.

It's terrible.

I'd better take
up another hobby.

I think that's a wonderful idea.

That'll be all, Miss Parker.

- Wilbur?
- Hmm?

What hobby are you
going to take up next?

That's a nice hobby.

Ed, Carol and I
are going dancing,

so I thought... Ed,
what in the world

are you doing in that beret?

I got a little filly
coming over for a sitting.
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