01x08 - The Aunt

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello, I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪ [theme]

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪




♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Get back in the barn, Ed.

That was no horse.
That was my wife.

Lemonade and cookies
for the master of the house.

Hmm... [smacks lips]

Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh.

You're not going to lift a
finger during your vacation.

Nobody has worked harder than
you have finishing those plans

for the Quaker Medical Building.

Another bite of cookie, please?

You're not going to do a thing.

Napkin.

Yes, My Lord.

Just rest and enjoy the sun.




Now I want you to
take a nice long nap.

- Carol.
- Yes, dear?

Close my eyes.

[sighs]

Boy, this is what I call living.

Not enough sugar.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Did I disturb you?

How was the lemonade?

Not enough sugar.

Oh, would you
like another glass?

No, thank you, honey.

Well, you just relax. Rest.

Isn't she a wonderful wife?

Boy, there's nothing
like marriage.

Big deal.

One week off, 51 weeks slaving.

No, you're wrong, Ed.

It's a great life.

Uh-oh.

There's nothing like
having a wonderful wife...

someone to come
home to at night,

someone to share your sorrows,

your joys, your...

You've been out in
the hot sun too long.

- Hi, Roger.
- Maybe a week's vacation
isn't enough.

Sit down, neighbor.

Oh, no. I couldn't get up again.

- Where's Kay?
- Probably looking for me.

My dear wife has had me
rearranging furniture all morning.

Not again.

You're probably ready
for a week's rest yourself.

If that woman has me move
one more stick of furniture...

Hello, dear. Where do you
want me to move the couch?

Addison, doll, I just realized

where the piano really belongs.

Carnegie Hall?

Near the bookshelf,

and I promise you,
sweets, this will be

the last move.

It better be because the next
move is me out of the house.

Oh, come on, muscles.

[phone rings]

Yes?

- It's for you.
- Thanks, Ed.

Hello?

Wilbur, honey. This
is your Aunt Martha.

Aunt Martha?

Well, where are
you calling from?

From the railroad station, dear.

The railroad station?

Yes. Didn't you get my letter?

No, Aunt Martha. We
weren't expecting you,

but it's wonderful.

I'll be right down
to pick you up.

- How's Carol?
- Oh, she's fine,
Aunt Martha.

Look, where do I pick you up?

Well, I'll meet you where they
stack the trunks and suitcases.

The old bag up front
will be your Aunt Martha.

Goodbye, dear.

I won't be long.

Oh, my. One does get
so ruffled, doesn't one?

Right this way, Aunt Martha.

Thank you, dear.

You know, I simply
cannot understand

what could have
happened to my leather.

- It must've gotten lost.
- That's not important.

How long will you be able
to stay with us, Aunt Martha?

Oh... Oh, I just love the house!

[parrot] Stick them
up! Stick them up!

Oh, isn't Tootsie clever?

It's a holdup! It's a holdup!

Where did she learn that?

Oh, she just loves to watch those
detective stories on television.

[Carol] Oh, how cute.

Isn't it amazing
how a bird can talk?

I don't know. I
got a horse who...

Drinks lemonade,
eats hay, trots.

That's my Wilbur.

He still has the same
imagination he had as a little boy.

Don't you, Weebie?

Weebie?

[Aunt Martha] When
Wilbur was a little boy...

Please, Aunt Martha...

He was so cute. I used to bounce
him up and down on my knee,

and I'd say, "What's
your name, honey?"

Well, he couldn't say
"Wilbur," so he used to say,

"Weebie."

Weebie! Weebie!

- Shall we go in?
- Yes.

Look at that gorgeous back yard.

You know, that's what I've
always missed back home...

A large backyard.

Wilbur did all the
landscaping himself.

- He did?
- That's right,

and it only cost me $200
more than if I'd hired a gardener.

That's my same little Weebie.

Honey, would you
please get the suitcases?

- Yeah.
- Aunt Martha?

- Yes, dear.
- I'll show you to your room.

I'm sure after that long
trip you'd like a nice rest.

Rest? With all the wonderful
places there are to see

in California?

Oh, no, my dear, not at all.

Now, then, I made
out a little list.

Aunt Martha, this week
is Wilbur's vacation.

Oh, how wonderful.

Then I won't be
interfering with your work

while you're showing me around.

That's right, Aunt
Martha. Isn't it, Carol?

Yes, Weebie.

- Aunt Martha...
- Yes, dear.

- The bedroom's upstairs
I'll show you to it.
- Oh, fine.

I'd like to take my jacket and hat
off if it's all the same to you, dear.

You know, darling...
[continues chattering]

I'll get the suitcases.

Anybody home?

[Tootsie] Stick them
up! Stick them up!

It's a holdup! It's a holdup!

Don't sh**t.
Please, don't sh**t.

Stick them up! Stick them up!

They are. My money's
in my left hand pocket.

Stick them up! Stick them up!

Don't do anything rash, Wilbur.

D-Don't do anything rash.

Get your hands up.

Roger, are you afraid
of that loudmouth bird?

Well, I... when I
get through with him,

he'll be behind bars.

Don't antagonize
him. He's armed.

Look behind you. It's a parrot.

What?

Then who took my money?

I did, doll.

There's $20 missing.

[squawks like a parrot]
It's a holdup! It's a holdup!

If I had pretty Polly, I'd
have a mink coat in no time.

I'd have him stuffed.

Where did you get him,
Wilbur, in a police lineup?

Him's a her. Tootsie.

Aunt Martha's parrot.

Aunt Martha? Having company?

Just arrived. She's
a wonderful person,

practically brought me up.

Ah, here she is.

Hi.

Auntie, I'd like you to meet my wonderful
neighbors Kay and Roger Addison.

This is my Aunt Martha.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Any friend of Weebie's
is a friend of mine.

Weebie?

Oh, that's what he called
himself when he was a baby.

He couldn't say "Wilbur."

- Oh, how precious.
- Just adorable.

He was the most
beautiful child I ever saw.

He had gorgeous blue
eyes and long lashes

and a head full of golden curls.

Long lashes and golden curls.

What a shame I
didn't know you then.

I wasted my youth
on Mary Pickford.

Shall I take the parrot up
to your room, Aunt Martha?

Oh... Now, we're going
to be out most of the time,

and I wouldn't want
Tootsie to be alone.

Oh, we could put her in
the barn with our horse.

A horse? Why, that's perfect.

Tootsie loves animals.

Good. Let's go, Tootsie.

[mutters] Oh...

Wilbur is my favorite nephew.

I just know I'm going
to enjoy this visit.

How long are you
staying, Aunt Martha?

Uh, well, that depends.

Carol, I must look with you.

Certainly, Aunt Martha.

This way for the 25-cent tour.

[Tootsie squawks] Stick them up!

It's a holdup! It's a hole up!

Stick them up! [squawking]

A talking bird. What
will they think of next?

Ed, this is Tootsie,
Aunt Martha's parrot.

Tootsie's going to be
staying with you for a while.

Well, who sent for her?

Stick them up! Stick them up!

Oh, shut your
cotton-picking beak.

You might learn a few
things from Tootsie.

She seems to be
a very smart bird.

Then what's she
doing in jail, hmm?

Come on, Tootsie.

There.

We'll put your right over there.

Honey, I've started
lunch. Anything special?

Anything. Where's Aunt Martha?

In the living room, adding to
that list of places she wants to see.

Kay and Roger went home.

Excuse me.

Darling, it's your vacation.

- Don't you think...
- Honey, it's her first trip out here.

Dear, she's a very sweet person,

but you've been working so hard.

You need the rest.

I'll get it when she leaves.

From the looks of that list,

that won't be till
after Christmas.

You're just exaggerating.

Look, I'll show you
how tired I am...

There's my Tootsie?

Oh. Well, now, you mustn't
be bashful in front of me.

Go ahead, Wilbur, smooch.

Why, Wilbur, you're blushing.

Oh, he always was shy.

I remember when he was
four-years-old with a birthday party.

A little girl tried to kiss him,

and he ran away
and hid under the bed.

[chuckles]

What's so fun...

What do you think of Mister Ed?

Oh, he's a beautiful animal,

but you can't b*at a parrot
when it comes to cleverness.

You are so right.

[blows raspberry]

Well, I better start lunch.

Then later we can all
sit on the patio and relax.

Relax? What are we,
a bunch of old fogies?

Oh, no. Now, let's start
doing the town right after lunch.

Wilbur is a bit tired and was
planning to take it easy today.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry,
dear. I didn't realize that.

Well, now, don't you
worry, Wilbur. I can manage.

Well, wait a minute, though.
I think I better drive, yes?

You don't have to, dear, although
the Addisons and I will miss you.

The Addisons?

Yes, yes, I invited
them along, too.

They're such a friendly couple.

Well, then it's only fair that
we go in our car. Right, Carol?

Of course.

Oh, there, Weebie.

You've got yourself
a wonderful wife.

Come on, dear. I'll
help you fix lunch.

Weebie? [guffaws]

Stick them up! Stick them up!

Oh, knock it off, stupid.

Stick them up! Stick them up!

It's a holdup! It's a
holdup! [squawks]

Stick them up! Stick them up!

It's a holdup! It's a
holdup! [squawking]

Oh, you would taste
good barbecued.

Ed, would you quit
teasing Tootsie?

This bird's driving me nuts.

Ed, you've been
beefing for three days.

She's kept me up for three days.

Look at the circles
under my eyes.

You're just going to have to
put up with Tootsie, that's all.

Stick them up! Stick them up!

Shut up.

Is that all you know?

Good news, Wilbur.

Stick them up!

That's the second time in
three days she's held you up.

Your Aunt Martha has just
given us today's itinerary.

Oh, no.

We've been on the go
ever since she got here.

So far the only thing I
haven't seen is the city dump.

That's your first stop.

- Aw...
- No, seriously,

today she intends seeing Knott's
Berry Farm and Disneyland.

Well, what's the good news?

I'm not going.

How did you get out of this?

[Aunt Martha] Wilbur,
are you in there?

Yes, Aunt Martha.

Wilbur, dear, we're
all ready to go to...

Oh, poor Roger. How's
your neck now, dear?

Still stiff.

No, I'm awfully sorry I
won't be able to go with you.

I've always wanted
to see the city dump.

Oh, poor man, what
he's going through.

All right, Wilbur, Come
on. Carol's waiting.

Yes. [groans]

What's the matter, darling?

[grunting] M-My
back, I sprained it.

Oh, I know how to fix that.

Turn around, dear,
and let your arms hang.

- Yeah, well...
- That's it.

- [back crackling]
- Oh! Oh!

[sighs]

There, now. I told you we'd
be home before midnight.

You're right, Aunt Martha.
It's just two minutes to 12:00.

We were lucky. Customs guard
at the border let us right through.

Well, he knew I was an American

the minute I said,
"Merci beaucoup."

Isn't he cute?

Did I ever tell you I used to
bounce him up and down on my knee

- when he was a little boy?
- Yes, you did, Aunt Martha.

He was such a joy.
He had the most...

[together] gorgeous blue eyes.

Well, I'll be right back.

Now, don't either
of you go away.

Oh, we won't.

[shaking maracas]
One, two, cha cha cha.

One, two, cha cha cha.
One, two, cha cha cha.

You used to bounce me up and
down on your knee before she came.

Honey, I promise you,
the minute she leaves,

I'll bounce you
all over the place.

Very funny.

Do you know you haven't
kissed me once today?

Well, get ready to chalk one up.

Oh, how sweet.

I told you you mustn't
be bashful in front of me.

Go ahead, Wilbur. Kiss her.

Thank you, Mr. Post.

Aunt Martha, what are you
doing with a robe and slippers?

Oh, I thought I'd sleep down
here on the couch tonight.

Don't you like your bedroom?

Did Carol make the bed wrong?

Oh, no. No. I didn't
want to bring it up,

but it's that Jasmine bush
just outside my window.

Oh, I forgot your allergy. Aunt
Martha's allergic to Jasmine.

I should have remembered.

- [no audio] Carol.
- No, it doesn't.

I'll go get a pillow
and some blankets.

No, we can't let her sleep
down here on the couch.

Then where will she sleep?

There's no Jasmine
bush outside our window.

She can sleep in our bedroom.

Won't we be a little crowded?

Oh, no, I'll sleep in
Aunt Martha's room.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Now, Carol, Wilbur,

I'll be perfectly
comfortable down here.

Oh, no, I insist, Aunt Martha.

It will give us a chance
to get better acquainted.

Oh. Yes, and then I can
show you the family album

of pictures of Wilbur
when he was a little boy.

That's wonderful.

I can hardly wait to see
his long, golden curls.

Oh, you'll just love them.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to say
goodnight to Tootsie.

You've just fulfilled the dream

of every American girl...

To share her bedroom
with her husband's aunt.

Honey, it will just
be for one night.

Uh-uh-uh, let's just
be friends... Weebie.

One, two, cha cha cha.

One, two, cha cha cha...

[door slams]

Now, sleep well,
dear. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

[makes kissing sound]

Oh, you smart little birdie.

Goodnight, Tootsie.

If you're so smart, say,

"Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers."

Peter, Peter, Peter.

Stick them up. It's a holdup.

I knew it. You're stupid.

I love you. I love you.

Smart, huh? Well, I've
got a way to fix you, sister.

Oh, Wilbur, my
favorite Jasmine bush.

You want me to put it back?

No, no, no. Dig faster.

Welcome home, dear.

I'll go help Aunt
Martha take her clothes

back to her own bedroom.

Yeah.

Good morning, Wilbur.

Hi, Roger.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You
shouldn't have done it.

- What?
- They're bound to search
for her.

Oh, cut it out, Roger.

Don't worry about me. I
won't testify against you.

Wilbur! Wilbur! Oh.

Tootsie's gone! She's not here!

- Tootsie, where are you?
- What do you mean
she's gone?

She's just gone.
She's just not here.

The last time I saw her she
was in her cage right on this stool.

Don't get excited. We'll
finder her. Let's look outside.

You don't think that a cat got
her, do you? I couldn't bear it.

- It may take time,
but I'm sure we'll find her.
- I wouldn't sleep at night.

I know exactly how you
feel. I had two parrots...

All right, Ed, What have
you done with the parrot?

What parrot?

Ed, where did you
hide that parrot?

W-You don't have
a search warrant,

but come on in and look.

Excuse me, Ed.

[Mister Ed] Hmm.

[Carol] Wilbur! Wilbur!

- Yes, Carol?
- I just heard
about Tootsie.

Do you think one of the
kids in the neighborhood

could have taken her?

- Kids?
- Come on, honey,
help us look.

I wonder if bird-napping
is a federal rap.

Well, I've scoured
the neighborhood.

No sign of Tootsie.

Sure is a mystery.

Oh, here's Wilbur. Any luck?

Nope. Aunt Martha's
just sick about this.

You know she
went up to her room.

Honey, why don't we
buy her another parrot?

It won't help.

Aunt Martha just poured
her heart out to me.

Do you know she's had
Tootsie for 25 years?

- That long?
- Mm-hmm.

Ever since her husband d*ed.

That bird's been her
closest friend all that time.

[Addison] She must
be a very lonely person.

[Kay] She's always so happy.

I think that's a cover-up.

You know something else?

I don't think she
sent us any letter.

I was thinking the same thing.

She was probably
afraid we'd turn her down.

- Yeah.
- Come on,
let's go cheer her up.

[weeping]

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- Wilbur, Tootsie's back.

That's wonderful! T...

Thank you... officer.
Tootsie's back.

Aunt Martha, Tootsie's back!

[Tootsie] I love
you. I love you.

Stick them up. It's a holdup!

Forgive me, Tootsie, for
hiding you in that ash can.

Tootsie, sweetheart!

Yes, baby. Where
were you? Yes, darling.

Where did you go?

I wonder who could
have brought her back.

Yes, dear. Yes, you're
such a sweetie pie,

but where were you,
darling? Mommy was...

Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled pepper. [squawks]

Now, who taught her that?

Yeah. I wonder who.

- Darling!
- [everyone chattering]

Ed, I just dropped by to tell you
Aunt Martha had a wonderful visit.

You know, the Addisons
really took a liking to her.

Well, goodnight, Ed. Sleep well.

Where you going?

Why?

I'm lonely. Talk to me.

I've got to get some sleep.

Tootsie was never
too busy to talk to me.

Hmm.

You really miss her since Aunt
Martha took her home, huh?

I can't sleep anymore
without noise.

Talk to me. Come on, talk to me.

[sighs] Okay, Ed.

Stick them up. Stick them up.

It's a holdup. It's a holdup.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪