02x11 - Mojovision

Episode transcripts for the TV show "X-Men: The Animated Series". Aired: October 31, 1992 – September 20, 1997.*
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Animated superhero television series follows Professor Charles Xavier and his band of courageous mutants.
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02x11 - Mojovision

Post by bunniefuu »

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROWLING)

(SNARLS)

(SNARLS)

No! No!

(SCREAMS)

Domo!

You ranted, sir?

(MOJO CRYING)

I'm ruined! Ratings are off.

Video's in the toilet.

My sponsors
want to deep-fry me!

And your action figures
aren't selling!

You designed the show.
So change it.

(SCOFFS)

Change it? You cold sore!

Just try replacing me!

You've abused every
decent actor in the galaxy.

You're a soulless,
sadistic bag of pus,

and you smell!

(EXCLAIMS)

Flattery, young man,

will get you
absolutely nowhere!

(LAUGHING)

You little vermin!

(BARKING) You're all dog meat!
Look at this.

(GRUNTS)

See this nose hair?
It can act better than you!

Actually, if I hold it up to
the light, it looks like you,
in a tuxedo!

He had a point, O Bulbous One.

What do you mean?

(STOMACH GROWLING)

(BELCHES)

Tell me we have a replacement.

(BELCHES)

Tell me, please!

Nothing proven,
Most Congealed Master.

The X-Men. A bit primitive,

and from a backwater dimension
we don't usually bother with.

Do I look like a man that cares?

(MOJO SPITS)

I don't care! Get them!

Mojo can make a star
out of anyone!

Instantaneous test numbers
are good in all dimensions,

O Potentate of Programming.

The passion! The drama!

(MOJO WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)
And we can get them cheap!

I'm making
money just standing

here thinking about it!
Am I standing?

You may have done it again.

Of course I have! I am a genius!

Get Mojo the X-Men!

(MOJO LAUGHING)

This is the finest television
available today.

Digital everything.
1,300 scan lines.

Does it have a built-in
surge protector?

Our last television
met with an unfortunate
accident.

-Accident? I don't understand.
-You'd have to know Jubilee.

She won't have any trouble
with our new remote control.

Uh-uh.

-Don't touch that dial!
-That's odd.

(LAUGHS) Hey, I warned you!

(SALES CLERK GROANS)

Nobody tunes out Mojovision!

CYCLOPS:
Who are you? What do you want?

(MOJO EXCLAIMS)

Let's not get off
on the wrong foot, bubby.

(MOJO LAUGHING)

Can we talk?

I've had my eye on your career.
Forceful, heroic.

(BELCHES) Loved what you did
with the Sentinels!
Star potential!

Sorry, it must have been
the producer I had for lunch.

I mean, the thing
with the eye blasts.

Talk about your x-ray specs,

baby, you'll knock them dead!

Who are you?
Is this some kind of sick joke?

Cyclops, sweetheart!

I'm offering you X-Men
a lifetime contract!

With the standard
non-survival clauses.

Don't worry,
it's just a formality.

I'm still not sure what
you're selling, pal,
but we're leaving.

A rejection!

Well, well,
I should have known better

than to try to help out some

ungrateful amateur act
from a...

from a dirt-bag dimension
like yours!

Who do you think you are?
You're nothing! A nobody!

And nobody says "No" to Mojo!

(BOTH GROANING)

(MOJO LAUGHING)

Listen up, one-eye.

I make the program decisions
around here!

(MOJO LAUGHING)

(CYCLOPS GROANS)

JEAN: Stop it!
He can't survive much more!

Oh... tell it to a lawyer.

Do I interfere
in your contract negotiations?

Like I need some
two-bit supporting actress

telling me how to
run my business!

What is this?
The Fourth of July?

Scott! Are you all right?

(GASPS) Now that's what I call
entertainment! Spiral!

Would you show our cast
to the studio
and call wardrobe?

They look like they dressed out
of a dumpster!

(LAUGHING) I mean, really.

Excuse me one moment,
would you, please?

The auditions are closed.

Time to report to the set.

(WOLVERINE GROWLING)

Jean!

(MOJO EXCLAIMS)

MOJO: What an entrance!

Can you hear that applause?
They love you guys!

Stick with me and you,
X-Men, will be stars.

Not like that ungrateful
has-been...

-What's his name?
-Longshot, O Depraved Omelet.

MOJO: Longshot.

(MOJO SPITS)

He'll never eat lunch
in this universe again!

He's gone, he's history,
he's jet fumes.

DOMO: He is forgotten,
O Corrupter of Crania.

You've got about 10 seconds
to send us back!

Excuse me,
are you threatening me?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, hey, hey,
this isn't a comedy!

If you can't keep
your lines straight,

I can write you out
of the first act!

Power tends to corrupt,

and absolute power
corrupts absolutely,

as seems evident.

Hey, furball,
you had all your sh*ts?

And what, pray tell, are you
X-Men going to give this

mind-numbed bunch
of couch potatoes

and the trillions
watching at home?

What do they want to see?

Peace? Freedom?

(LAUGHING) Maybe good
government?

They want blood and guts
and love and hate.

They want entertainment!

You give them action!
Action! Action!

(WHISTLES)

(SCREAMING)

(MIMICS g*n f*ring)

The X-Men don't fight
without a reason!

v*olence and destruction
are not forms of amusement.

(EXCLAIMS)

Trust me,
O My Performing Cattle,
they are!

And if ratings don't go up
with every show,

I'll cancel the series
and its performers permanently!

Control room, it's showtime!

-What happened to Storm?
-Scott!

-How did we get out here?
-I think we can thank our
friend Mojo.

(EXPLOSIONS)

-Where did that come from?
-Over there!

-Torpedo!
-This one's mine.

Now to give them the slip.

(MOJO EXCLAIMING)

(MOJO LAUGHING)

We can't outrun those!

STORM: I shall deal
with the airborne thr*at!

Wind and water, whirl and rage!

MOJO: Bravo! Bravo!

(GROANS)

Cyclops! We must abandon ship!

(LAUGHING) Now that's what I
call a slam-bang ending!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Listen to that
audience response!

I'm getting numbers here
that mathematician
have never heard of.

The ratings are going through
the roof!

(GROANING)

I may have to let them live.

JEAN: You're sick!

(MOJO EXCLAIMS)

Scott and Storm are human
beings!

You can't destroy them,
just to keep people amused!

Do I look like a man that cares?

Hey, control room,
bring up show number two.

Control room.

MOJO: Control room!

We've got to get somebody to
help with the filing.

Where's Rogue?

MOJO: Out of the blackness
of space comes...

Rogue Star!

MOJO: I tell you, this gal,
Rogue, is big!

Every kid in your dimension
will give her right arm

for a pair of Rogue gloves!

What's going on, Beast?

ROGUE:
Looks like old blubber guts

stuck us in
some high-tech sh**ting gallery.

Oh, dear.

Deft maneuver, my dear.
But a bit breathtaking.

We may be outgunned.
But this little honey
sure can handle.

MOJO: Oh! Stupendous!

(BEAST SCREAMS)

(SCREECHING)

We are stable,

but I fear our course
is taking us into the sun!

Dang-blasted thing won't turn!

-Hey!
-Rogue!

Unhand her,
you repulsive reptilians!

(GRUNTING)

(BEAST SCREAMING)

Beast! Beast! Beast!

MOJO: Ooh... that's colossal!

(MOJO MIMICS expl*si*n)

(EXCLAIMS)

I give it two flippers up.

Next!

And now it's Wolverine,
starring in...

I Dream of Jean!

Let's give it up.
Push that applause button,
Spiral.

Let's rock 'n' roll.

Wolverine! Listen!
Mojo said it's only
entertainment.

He won't let us win!

He's controlling everything
that happens!

I'm going to try...

(JEAN SCREAMS)

-Jean!
-MOJO: What a love story!

Am I moved by this mush,
or what?

(WOLVERINE GRUNTING)

MOJO: The highest ratings ever
for an educational show!

Entertainment.
It's just television.

Electronic images
created by machines.

-Logan!
-Hang on, Jean!

Electronic images
created by machines,

and machines can be affected
by psycho-kinetic energy!

(STAMMERING)
What... What is this?

(CROWD BOOING)

No!

Control room!

What are you doing up there?
Sitting on your hands!

MOJO ON SPEAKER:
Go to a commercial!
Go to reruns!

Go to an infomercial!
Go to something!

I'm losing my audience
to a bunch of dead trees!

SPIRAL:
What are you doing here?

I'm setting the X-Men free.

So they can get out
of my time slot.

Hey, hey, hey!
You make them into stars

and they just turn on you.

No!

How about giving me a lift,
Rogue?

ROGUE: Any time, sugar.

Hold it!

This, if you haven't been
paying attention,

is my dimension!

Get with the program
or get crushed!

(SCREAMS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GROANS)

Can someone please tell me
what just happened?

DOMO: Everything that
Mojo created is gone.

Especially the audience.

Well, nothing lasts forever,
especially in television.

Did I tell you I used to go out
with an actress with two heads?

-Yeah? Was she nice?
-LONGSHOT: Yes and no.

Bubula!

Come here. Come here, yeah.

(KISSING)

You look great. Lost weight?
Had the face-lift? Whatever.

Listen, it's time we did
a fresh start, you know.

Now, we did
a little re-think on

that re-write for
a re-group on a re-draft.

No, I'm talking new show,
new time slot, new dimension,

bigger hair, less money.
The whole nine yards!

(MOJO LAUGHING)

Ooh!

Look! A jungle picture!

(SCREECHING)

XAVIER: That must be your
Citadel.

Yes, when I built it,
I felt I was creating a new
world here.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Magneto, we must help her!

(GROANING)

No, Charles!

The creature attacking
the woman is Sauron.

His powers would make him
a dangerous foe,

even if we still had our own.

There is nothing we can do.
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