02x01 - Passports to Pleasure

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Silver Spoons". Aired: September 25, 1982 - May 11, 1986.*
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Wealthy, young-at-heart business owner and playboy Edward Stratton III is stunned to discover his brief marriage several years ago produced a son, Richard who is now 12 and wanting to live with him.
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02x01 - Passports to Pleasure

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hoping to find
We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go, making it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together
Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

-♪ You and I
-♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

-♪ You and I ♪
-♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I
Together ♪

Hi, g*ng.

Hey, son.

Trouble?

Dad, remember I told you
that Derek and I are going

to the National Badger
Convention in Chicago.

Yeah.

Well, we can't go now
because of our patrol leader.

That's Tubby Butterman's father,
isn't it?

Yeah, Chubby Butterman.

We can't go
because of the accident.

Accident? Son, that's terrible.
What happened?

Well, you see
the Butterman's basement

is full of freeze-dried food.

Last night
when their water pipes busted.

Right now, they're up
to their rafters

in turkey tetrazzini.

Gee, I hope they eat their way
to the furnace

before it explodes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'll bet they didn't even call
a plumber.

Just tied on their bibs
and went to work.

[EDWARD AND KATE LAUGHING]

Oh, son, it's a shame
you can't go to Chicago.

Isn't there anybody else
that can take you?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, no.
No, no, no.

You're not roping me
into this one.

N-- no!

Well, guys, how do I look?

You look, uh...

fine, Dad. [CHUCKLES]

Are you sure? 'Cause I sort
of feel like I look a little...

a little...

-Ridiculous?
-Yeah.

No way, sir. The word
would never occur to me.

Good.

Sir, I would like to take
this opportunity to mention

that you are truly
an inspirational man.

I-- I guess what I'm trying
to say is, well...

if you gave the word...

I would jump off a cliff.

Give the word, Dad.

Please!

Derek, I would like to take
this opportunity

to respond to that generous
yet undeserved accolade.

And guess what I'm trying
to say is...

well, your fly is open.

Uh-huh! I gotta run.
The patrol leaders are meeting

to hear the opening lecture,
it's entitled...

"The badger patrol,
shall we face the future,

or just muddle
along willy-nilly?"

Tough question.

Yeah, I'm not sure
where I stand on that.

-No, I'll see you, son.
-Sir?

Go out and make it a good day.

I will. All I needed
was the encouragement.

We better get down
to the crystal room

for that wood chopping
demonstration.

Hold it.

We're not gonna spend
the afternoon

dodging wood chips.

Look what I got.

Four seats to McCormick Place.

There's a certain rock concert
being held there tonight.

Duran Duran?

All right! Awesome!

Uh, wait a minute.
These are front row seats.

How did you get the money
to pay for these?

Well, let's just say
that hock shops pay big bucks

for family heirlooms.

Hey, hey, with four tickets,
we could bring

those Hungarian
exchange badgers...

Zoltan and Tibor.

Have you got goulash
on the brain?

We're gonna use these tickets
to get us some women.

Older, experienced women.

We are?

Rick, didn't you see
the sign down in the lobby?

"Welcome Midwestern High School
Cheerleading finalists."

This place is crawling
with chicks

in tight sweaters with great big
letters on them.

These concert tickets
are our passports to pleasure.

You mean, you wanna use
those tickets

to have your way
with a cheerleader?

That is the most underhanded,
disgusting, despicable plan

I've ever heard.

Think it'll work?

Pay dirt.

Hey... they're checking us out.

Let's throw them our best moves.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I don't understand
those girls.

They laughed at... the Ricker.

-[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
-[GIRLS LAUGHING]

Hey, listen what do you
wanna do after practice?

I don't know, but I wanna
have some fun tonight.

[COINS RATTLING]

[SIGHS]

Afternoon, ladies.
I'm Biff Taylor.

This is my friend here, Moose.

Excuse us.

-What's the matter?
-Nothing, Biff.

Listen, before we go back there,

let's decide what we gonna
say to them.

Can you believe it?
We just got hit on by toddlers.

[GASPS] Hey, don't call
them toddlers.

They're fragile little boys
on the brink of manhood.

I'm gonna go
untangle my pompoms.

Oh, great! One of our pigeons
just flew the coop.

It's just as well, Derek.

This stupid plan of yours
isn't gonna work.

-[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
-DEREK: Yes, it is.

Stand back and watch my smoke.

Hi, fox. I've been having
four tickets

to the Duran Duran concert.

Hi, fox. I've been having
four tickets...

Hi, fox. I--

Never mind.

Hey, Moose.

Biff.

Come here... hunks.

-Well, actually, I'm Ricky.
-I'm Derek.

And I'm Michelle.

Now, did I hear you say
you had tickets to the Duran...

Duran concert?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT] Um, my--
my friend

and me have
four front row seats,

and we're looking for dates.

We're also looking
for a real good time.

Catch my drift?

Do you kids know
what a good time really is?

No. [CHUCKLES]
But we'd sure like to find out!

How old are you, 12?

I've seen a dozen summers.

Well, it just so happens
that Valerie

and I would love to go
to the concert with you.

You would? Uh...

Uh, would you like to check
with her first?

[SCOFFS]
That won't be necessary.

When she finds out
you guys are our dates,

she'll be absolutely... [SIGHS]

...stunned.

Great.

Where should we pick
you wenches up, huh?

Right here. Room 408.

Shall we say around 7:30-ish?

I'll be counting the minutes.

-Hey, Derek!
-DEREK: Yeah?

-[RICKY GRUNTS]
-[DEREK SCREAMING]

Not funny, Rick.

It's funny. [GIGGLES]

-Oh, hi, Dad.
-Hi, son. [SIGHS]

-How the camping seminar go?
-Heavy.

I now know more about tent poles
than any man has a right to.

How was your day?

[SCOFFS] Very promising.

Good.

Hmm.

You shaving, huh?

Yeah.

You know how it is.

I was getting
a little five o'clock shadow.

I'm impressed.
Here it is only 4:30.

Yeah. I got a date tonight.
And I wanna be smooth.

A date?

Tonight?

In a town you've never been
to before in your life?

Uh-huh.

Nice going, son.

Now, you've chip off
the old block.

-Thanks.
-Well, who's the lucky lady?

-Well, she's--
-Wait a minute. Don't tell me.

It wouldn't be one of the many
high school cheerleaders

I've seen parading around here,
most of them up

and down this very hall,
would it?

It sure is.

We're going
to the Duran Duran concert.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

RICKEY: Whoo.

I see.

Son... don't you think
that a high school cheerleader's

a little old for you?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Ah,
don't worry about it, Dad.

I can handle it.

Rick, let me ask you a question.

Why do you think
a high school cheerleader

would want to go out with a...

-uh, with...
-With a younger man?

Yeah.

Well, I guess she senses in me
a certain je ne sais quoi.

Well, son, do you think
it's possible that this girl...

might just be using you
to get to the concert?

[SCOFFS] Well, it's possible.

But then again, who cares?

Son...

You know, there are some people
in this world

who will pretend to like you...

[CLICKS TONGUE]
...but they only act that way

to get something they want.

And they don't care
how they get it.

They're not like you.
You have character.

You care about people.
You're not a user.

[SCOFFS] Come on, Dad...

I'm not a saint.

You're also not going
to the concert alone.

I'll take you there in a taxi,
and I'll pick you up

-when it's over.
-Dad!

Son, you're in a strange town.

But it's my kind of town,
Chicago is.

Well, Rick,
you have two choices,

either you do it my way
or no way.

Well, can you do me a favor
and sit up front,

and pretend to be
the Cabbie's immigrant cousin?

[IMITATES FOREIGN ACCENT]
Yes, I could do that.

It would be my happiness.

♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ Yeah!
I got to be a macho man ♪

Derek's going too?

Yeah. But I'm gonna try to have
a good time anyways.

Derek, are you sure
wearing this beret

makes me look suave...
and irresistible?

Mais oui.

MICHELLE: Just a minute.

So, you're positive
I should wear this beret?

Yes.

A good rule of thumb
is to do the opposite

of whatever you tell me.

Michelle, why won't you
tell me who our dates are.

Be patient.
You're about to find out.

Well, it's only fair to warn you
that if I'm not happy

-with them--
-BOTH: Hi.

I'm going to k*ll you.

Uh... e-- excuse us.

You set us up with the toddlers?

You're the one who called them
fragile little boys

on the brink of manhood.

Besides, those twerps have
tickets to Duran Duran.

-Oh, maybe so--
-Front row seats.

That still doesn't--

-Front row seats!
-Front row seats!

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

The Durans are going
to sweat on us.

Oh! We can only hope.

So, come on, let's go, okay?
And I promise you

no one will even notice
how young those guys are.

-VALERIE: Okay.
-[MICHELLE CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Hey, girls.

If you're going
out with them,

you better take along
some pampers.

-Well, let's split.
-Uh, before we do,

-there's just one thing...
-MICHELLE: Yeah.

Let's make sure

that we're with the girl
we should be with.

So how would you two describe
each other?

She has absolutely
no scruples.

She's cornered the market
on them.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

You know, it's strange
that two different cabbies

had the same cousin.

Yeah.

Uh, well, guys,
we had a great time.

-We really did. Thanks a lot.
-Yeah, thanks.

-What gives?
-It's getting late.

But the night is young.

So are you.

Thanks again
for a wonderful evening.

-Handshake?
-What's wrong with that?

[CHUCKLES]
Well, we-- we thought...

well, we expected...

Uh, exactly what did you expect?

[GIGGLES] Well,
we were promised that...

Well, you know.

[GIGGLES] I'm sure I don't know.

You don't know?

Derek, she doesn't know.

She knows.

He says you know.

-I'm afraid, she doesn't know.
-Oh, no.

Excuse me.
I'll straighten this out.

Valerie, let me explain.

The only way
I could get these boys

to take me to the concert
was if I sort of let them think

that afterwards...

I'd sort of let them get...

sort of lucky.

Did you promise them
that I would do the same thing?

Sort of.

Michelle! How dare you!

Look, all we have
to do is come on strong

to these two kids,
and they'll run like rabbits.

Have you no shame?

Have you none?

Well, that could scar them
for life!

We have no choice,
but to tell them the truth.

You called this dance,

and now it's time to pay
the little, tiny piper.

So, uh...

what's the decision?

Yeah, uh, do we leave now,
or do we get naked?

VALERIE: Um...

Boys, um...

there-- there's been a mistake.
A-- a misunderstanding.

[SIGHS]
I'm afraid you've been misled.

Our date is over now.

Right now?

Right now.

But I shaved.

Look, boys,
you deserve an apology.

We used you to see Duran Duran,

and we're really sorry
for doing that.

I just hope you can find it
in your hearts to forgive us.

Boy, what a gyp!

We owe you an apology too.

You see, Derek and I tried
to use you.

All along I knew it was wrong

to try the trading
concert tickets...

for cheap sex.

Cheap!

Tell that to my mom
when she tries

to find my grandmother's
Wedgewood.

Listen, Valerie...

I hope you can
at least forgive me...

'cause I think
you're a sensational girl.

You're pretty, you're smart...

you're sensitive...

-and I'll never forget you.
-[CLICKS TONGUE] Aw!

You're sweet.

Good night, Ricky.

Good night, Valerie.

I-- I think
you're sensational too.

Except you're prettier,
and you're smarter...

and you're sensitiver.

I'll never forget you
even more.

That's nice.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Together
We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together
Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all
About those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy
Two silver spoons ♪
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