02x03 - A Fair to Remember

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[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hoping to find
We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go, making it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

-♪ You and I ♪
-♪ Together ♪

-♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
-♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

-♪ Together ♪
-♪ Together ♪

-♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
-♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

-♪ Together ♪
-♪ Together ♪

Hey, Rick, let's get
the science class early

and throw spit wads
on the ceiling

over Mr. Bartman's desk.

They'll dry out
and fall all over him.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, remember
we did that to Miss Wibbles?

One of those things fell
on her hair

and stayed there
the rest of the semester.

Besides, somehow, Mr. Bartman
will figure out I was involved.

He's always on my case.

That's 'cause you don't know
how to handle old Barfbag. I do.

Hmm. Sure. You suck up to him.

Derek Taylor sucks up to no man.

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

Why, top of the morning,
Mr. Stratton, sir.

And kudos to you on those
elegant yet perfect

for everyday wear pants.

[GASPS] Oh, morning, Edward,
sit down, Edward,

I need to talk to you.

Morning, Kate. Okay, Kate,
I'm all ears.

I just got off the phone
with Mr. Herbert Hobecker

and I can't wait to tell you
what he has invented.

-It's a--
-Home entertainment

argon laser light projector
with a built-in oscillator.

How did you do that?

Oh, Kate, Herbie Hobecker
has been bugging me

about that thing for months.

I told him
I'm in the toy business.

Well, I agree with you, Edward.
It's not a toy.

But think about this.

Now they're already using lasers
for entertainment

at rock concerts and laseriums.

Now my idea is that we develop
this projector

for use at smaller events
like weddings, bar mitzvahs,

gala occasions
of all descriptions.

Kate, they already invented
something for use

at gala occasions
of all descriptions.

It's called the accordion.

Edward.

[CHUCKLES] Kate, all right,
look.

Laser light shows are produced

by a lot
of extremely sophisticated,

very expensive,
high-tech equipment, right?

Now how's Herbie Hobecker's
little gizmo

possibly going to duplicate
that effect?

I'll get back to you on that.

Kate, there's no market for it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it's a good thing
Jeffrey Cutruzzula

didn't listen to the doubters
and the skeptics.

-Who is Jeffrey Cutruzzula?
-"Who is Jeffrey Cutruzzula?"

Only the man who invented
the duck phone!

Now...

who can tell the class
the atomic weight of zinc?

Mr. Stratton.

[RICKY CLEARS THROAT]

Well, uh, that depends
if it's a porcelain zinc

or a stainless-steel zinc.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

I'd like to know the atomic
weight of zinc, Stratton,

and without the benefit

of your questionable
sense of humor.

Well, I didn't get a chance
to memorize...

the exact weight.

Does anyone know how the weight
of an atom is computed?

-Mr. Lippincottleman.
-Huh?

How do they compute
the weight of an atom?

Uh, the weight is,
uh, well, uh...

uh, what they do is they...

-weigh it.
-[ALL LAUGH]

They weigh an atom?

Uh, yeah, see. They have these
teeny, tiny, little scales.

-[ALL LAUGH]
-And for that answer,

you will receive
a teeny, tiny, little grade.

[ALL LAUGH]

Class, atomic weights
are fascinating. Look.

You take the average,

figure it proportionately
among the different isotopes

of the sum of the number
of the protons and the neutrons

in an element. You see?
Well, do you see?

[ALL LAUGH]

Can anyone explain this?

Gravity.

I have yet to hear
the atomic weight of zinc.

-Taylor.
-Sir.

Can you answer the question?

[SIGHS] I-- I-- I can,
and-- and will.

But first I'd like to say...

-[BELL RINGING]
-...see you tomorrow.

Sit! Sit! Sit!

The bell doesn't dismiss you,
I do.

Tonight,

instead of reading
the usual one chapter

of "The Amazing World
of Science," you'll read three.

-Oh, man!
-That's not fair.

And tomorrow...

there will be a quiz.

-Oh!
-Come on.

Mr. Bartman...

that seems like
an awful lot to do.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I mean,
none of our other teachers

-give us this much work.
-ALL: Yeah!

Well, maybe other teachers think
this is a day care center

and let you get away
without studying,

but not Harry Singleton Bartman,
science instructor.

You children are
at a critical point.

The study habits you develop now
will remain with you

for the rest
of your academic life.

And if I don't instill
those habits in you now

then I'm not worthy
to wear this lab coat.

[ALL LAUGH]

You are dismissed,
except for you, Stratton! Stay.

[IMITATES SLITTING THROAT]

Don't forget!

Your projects
for the science fair

are due one week
from tonight.

-BOY: Oh!
-You can impress your parents

by winning the coveted
Bartman-Einstein Award.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

You wouldn't happen
to be writing out

your groceries list, would you?

More humor, Stratton?

Take this note home
to your father.

Let him read it.

Bring it back to me tomorrow
with his signature.

You're a bright boy, Stratton...

but you're sadly lacking
in the deportment department.

If you don't mend your ways...

you're going to be suspended.

[SIGHS]

Hi, son. How was school?

School?

Yeah. You know that big building
with all the kids?

[CLEARS THROAT, EXHALES SHARPLY]

Well, it, uh...
wasn't one of my best days, Dad.

Well, they can't all be
great days, son.

Rick, I remember several
crummy days

when I was in school.

Like the day I... [CHUCKLES]

...had to stand up
and give a book report,

my zipper was broken.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Or the day I was
in chorus rehearsal,

-and my voice changed.
-[BOTH LAUGH]

Or like the day
when your teacher

would send you home
with a note to your father.

-[BOTH LAUGH]
-Hand it over.

[SIGHS] "Dear Mr. Stratton,

this is to inform you
that your son's conduct

in my class is belligerent,
uncooperative and disruptive.

He's a rug cleaner,

and the other students
follow his lemons."

Dad, that's "ringleader."

And the other kids follow
my "lead."

"If his conduct doesn't improve,

I will be forced to ask
for his suspension.

Warmest personal regards,
Harry S. Bartman."

Rick, what happened?

Dad, Mr. Bartman picks on me!

Oh, I doubt very much
that he picks on you.

I have a hunch
that he's just disappointed

that you don't live up
to your potential.

You know what?

Never mind.

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

Rick, I know you're upset.

I've...
been through this myself.

-Really?
-Yeah.

[SIGHS] It was
my woodshop teacher.

His name was Mr. Doctor.

Boy, was he tough.

And he always used
to seem to pick on me.

[MIMICS MR. DOCTOR] "Stratton,
that's no way to hold a jigsaw.

With the grain, Stratton,
with the grain."

"Stratton, you think this
school is made of sandpaper?"

I resented him very,
very much,

at first,

but then I finally began
to realize

that Mr. Doctor
plain loved woodworking.

It was important to him.

He had sap in his veins.

That's the way Mr. Bartman is.

Only with him, it's science.

He's got a bumper sticker
that says,

"I brake
for Nobel Prize winners."

You see,
a-- a teacher like that,

he wants you to get
as enthusiastic

about his subject as he is.

So, what I did is I decided
to earn Mr. Doctor's respect.

And when it came time
for us Woodshoppers

to do special projects,

I cut, and I chiseled...

and I sanded...

and I shellacked...

and I shellacked...

and then I shellacked some more.

And when the sawdust cleared,

Mr. Doctor put his arm around me
and he said,

[MIMICS] "Stratton, that's
the best-looking birdhouse

that ever housed a bird."

Yeah. I see
what you're saying, Dad.

So, we have a science fair
coming up,

and I'm gonna make a project
that's gonna win first prize.

It's gonna be
the most fantastic,

unbelievable,
incredible science project

anyone's ever seen!

That's a spirit, son!
What's it gonna be?

I don't know.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I've gotta thank you, Kate.

You've come up
with the best idea

for a science project,
anyone's ever had.

[CHUCKLES]

Edward, I can't wait
to see your face

when you find out what it is.

-[CLEARS THROAT]
-Well, I'm here now,

and I brought my face.

[KATE CLEARS THROAT]

-Oh, Mother, look who's here.
-Well, Mr. and Mrs. Stratton.

-[SIGHS]
-Uh, w-- we're not married.

Quelle faux pas.

We're all rooting for you, dear.

-Thank you, Corrin.
-[CHUCKLES]

Derek, is your dad
coming tonight?

Uh, no, he's working late
at the office.

Oh, is-- isn't he a salesman
for pure pulp paper products?

He's vice president of sales,
international.

Well, sort of, like Derek
told me that he'd won

the Golden Ream Award.

[SIGHS] Yeah. It's such a shame
John couldn't be here tonight.

After all,
Derek is his raison d'être.

Derek, Mr. Bartman's
about to judge

your science project.

It's show time.

Excuse me, Mommy dearest.

[CHUCKLES] Our little joke.

Taylor, what have you concocted
for us tonight?

-[EXHALES EXCITEDLY]
-MR. BARTMAN: Oh...

-[CORRIN GASPS]
-My project, sir,

is entitled "The Miracle
of Electronic Eavesdropping."

Thanks to recent advances
in micro technology,

listening devices can be reduced
to the size of, uh,

uh, a cufflink.

It just so happens
that I've planted a live bug

on my father's person.

We can tune in to him
wherever he may be.

Right now.

Let's listen.

[MACHINE BUZZING]

MAN THROUGH MACHINE:
Oh, well, good evening.

Welcome to the Shangri-La Motel.

The usual room, Mr. Taylor?

SMITH THROUGH MACHINE:
It's Smith! Smith!

I, uh, I think we've--
we've heard enough.

Oh, fine, sir.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Au revoir.

Derek, that was
a lousy thing to do.

All right, Mr. Stratton,
it's your turn to dazzle us.

All right. Here goes, Kate.
Wish us luck.

-[RICKY SIGHS]
-[EDWARD SIGHS]

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

and Mr. Bartman, check this out.

-Uh...
-[MR. BARTMAN GRUNTS]

...this is HS CLS.

The Hobecker-Stratton
Computerized Laser System.

As you may know,
the laser is a device

that amplifies
focused light waves

and concentrates them
into narrow,

very intense beams
called lasers.

I've connected my computer
to this laser projector,

and I've programmed the images
which you're about to see.

I've also connected
a smoke device.

So that you can see
the laser beams better.

Shall we begin?
Kate, the lights.

[RESONATING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

That was wonderful!

Mr. Bartman, that has to be
the most spectacular

science display
I have ever seen.

It's always nice to hear
an objective opinion.

Attention, please.

Before I announce the winner,

I would like us to reflect
for one moment

on where we would be
without science.

Now!

[CLEARS THROAT]
This year's winner

of the coveted
Bartman-Einstein Award...

is... [CHUCKLES]

...Timmy Therbal! Timmy.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Dad,

my laser lost to a model
of a cow's digestive system.

Edward, he was robbed.

Well, that rubber glove
doesn't look anything

like an udder.

Come on, son.

-Mr. Bartman.
-MR.BARTMAN: Yes.

My son worked his tail off
on that display.

Now you may not consider this
an objective opinion,

but I think it beats
the pants off a clay cow.

Richard, your project
was quite impressive.

It showed hard work, initiative,
and creativity.

You will get an A+
for your work. [CHUCKLES]

-I will?
-MR. BARTMAN: Mm-hmm.

Well-- well, that's great!

But then how come I didn't win

the, uh, coveted
Einstein-Bartman Award?

Uh, that's Bartman-Einstein.

Uh, I'm afraid your project
exceeded

the allowable price limit
of 100 dollars.

Well, you never told me
that there was a price limit.

Yes, I did.
I guess you weren't listening.

People, we have cake
and cookies here.

WOMAN: Oh!

They're made entirely
out of algae.

ALL: Oh!

People, they're very good.
They're very healthy for you.

I've never worked so hard
for anything my whole life, Dad.

And you can't just walk up
to a computer

and say, "Can you make me
a cone of light?"

First, I had to interface it
with my computer, Dad.

Then I had to write the programs
for the light images.

That had me up half the night,
but I cracked it!

I finally cracked it!
And then he--

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, son.

Are you listening to yourself?

Dad, it's, kinda-- kinda hard
to talk and listen

at the same time.

You're doing exactly
what Mr. Bartman

had hoped you do.

I am?

You're enjoying science.

I am?

It sure sounds like it to me.

-I am!
-[EDWARD LAUGHS]

You're right, Dad.

[RICKY GRUNTS]

Kate... [SIGHS]

...I want you to call
Herbie Hobecker,

and tell him that Eddie Toys
is gonna start

a laser division ASAP.

Oh, that's terrific!

Now, we gotta figure out
somebody

to head up that new division.

Oh, well, who do you have
in mind?

-Congratulations.
-Oh, Edward!

Oh!

-Thank you.
-Way to go, Kate!

Uh, Rick... [CLEARS THROAT]
...before we leave, son...

could I...

stand in the cone of light?

Sure, Dad.

[RESONATING]

[EDWARD LAUGHS]

[EDWARD LAUGHS]

♪ Together, we're gonna
Find our way ♪

♪ Together
Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about those
Things you just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons... ♪