02x24 - Zorro and the Mountain Man

[bunniefuu]

( dramatic theme playing)

What is the matter, señor?

Oh, señorita, I got
something here in my eye.

I see nothing.
Well, it feels gritty,

like maybe I blinked in a
cinder floating around in the air.

I still see nothing.

Well, now, maybe if you would

just move a
frog's hair closer...

Oh, señor. If you please.

(chuckling)

You have insulted
Spanish womanhood.

( dramatic theme playing)

No, Hernando.

This will be my pleasure.

(announcer reading
on-screen text)

♪ Not unless we gotta
go Gotta go into town ♪

♪ Got an itch to go
to town Got an itch ♪

♪ I'm thirsty as a
prairie dog Got an itch ♪

♪ I'm warnin' the women
To offer up a prayer ♪

♪ I'm dog dirty And
loaded for bear ♪

♪ Us mountain men are rough ♪

(donkey brays)

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

(brays)

♪ Mountain men are
Mean and lowdown ♪

Yoo-hoo!

♪ We don't wear no frills ♪

♪ Don't need 'em in the hills ♪

♪ Not unless we gotta
go Gotta go into town ♪

♪ Mountain men are rough ♪

(donkey brays)

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

(brays)

♪ Mountain men are
Mean and lowdown ♪

Yoo-hoo!

♪ We don't wear no frills ♪

♪ Don't need 'em in the hills ♪

♪ Not unless we got to
go Got to go into town ♪

♪ Into town ♪

♪ Into town ♪

Seems like you're in
a spot of trouble there.

Looks like a job for a man

with a strong back
and a weak mind.

Just my size.

Injun sign talk?

What tribe you from?

You ain't a Paiute
Injun, are you?

I sure hope not.

Me and the Paiutes ain't
exactly on speaking terms.

(sighs)

Well, this should
fix you up. Goodbye.

You know, Esmeraldie,

I reckon he must be
one of them pale Injuns.

♪ Us mountain men are rough ♪

(donkey brays)

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

(donkey brays)

♪ Mountain men are
Mean and lowdown ♪

Yoo-hoo!

It is an excellent buy
at the price, Don Carlos.

The quality of the workmanship
is of more interest to me

than the price.

You're sure this
was made in Spain?

Oh, sí.

Then I shall buy it.

Wrap it carefully and...

MOUNTAIN MAN: ♪ I'm
dog dirty And loaded for bear ♪

♪ Us mountain men are rough ♪

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

What is that?

I do not know, Don Carlos.

Perhaps he's some
kind of a foreigner, huh?

We can do without
foreigners in California.

Deliver the candelabra
to my hacienda.

Sí, Don Carlos.

It will be delivered
this afternoon.

And so when my wages did not
arrive today as I had expected,

I felt very sad.

But then I thought of
you, and I said to myself:

"My good friend Carlotta,

she will advance
me a little more credit

until my wages arrive."

Oh.

It's times like these
when one knows

who one's friends
really are, eh, Carlotta?

Oh, but of course, sergeant.

Water. This is water.

Well, I am surprised that
you recognized it, sergeant.

I did not order water.

Perhaps not, but it is
the only thing in the tavern

that is free.

But, Carlotta, I have
been your friend for...

Sergeant, you owe us 5
pesos and 26 centavos,

and until you pay
that, no more credit.

(mountain man screams)

I'm as hungry as a
woodpecker with a sore head.

Bring on the vittles.

Buenos días, señor.

Do you wish food?

That I do. That I do. I...

Say, you're a
likely-looking baggage.

Oh, señor, if you please.

You got substance to you, gal,

and me, I'm a guy
what likes substance.

CARLOTTA: Señor, you wish food?

Honey, I'm so
hungry I'll eat anything

that don't bite me first.

Bring me plenty of vittles

and a bottle of your
best beaver blood.

Sí, señor.

Beaver blood?

Start me off with a
small one, about like that.

Sí.

You will pardon me, señor,

but you are a stranger
to Los Angeles, no?

I'm a stranger to
Los Angeles, yes.

Where do you come from?

Up yonder.

Where the tall timber grows

and the hooty owls
sing like nightingales.

What reason brings
you to our pueblo?

Well, I didn't have no choice.

It was either get
out of there in a hurry

or have the hair
peeled off my head

the way you skin a
grape. Please, señor,

hooty owls, grapes.

You are confusing me.

I ask these questions simply
because it is my duty to do so.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Demetrio Lopez Garcia,

sergeant in the service
of the king of Spain,

and acting comandante of
the Pueblo de Los Angeles.

Phew! All you forgot to add

was high potentate
of next-to-nothing

and windbag extraordinaire.

Sí, I...

Would you mind
repeating that, please?

You want to know who I am?

Well, sir, Joe Crane stands
in front of you, as big as life

and twice as nasty.

I was born in a grizzly den

and raised on buffalo milk.

I'm blood brother
to the west wind

and full cousin to
the howling wolf.

I'm so mean, I'll
fight a rattlesnake

and give him first bite.

I'm king of all the
mountain men.

And right now I'm as thirsty
as a mud hen on a tin roof.

(cork pops)

JOE: Ah.

And I ain't been so hungry

since I had to eat my moccasins

back in the blizzard of 1809.

GARCIA: You did?

JOE: Boiled them
first, of course.

GARCIA: You did?

Señor Crane, you
still have not told...

Oh, buenos días, Don Diego.

Good morning, sergeant.

Señor Crane, my name
is Diego de la Vega.

Howdy. I would like to thank you

for helping my servant
Bernardo this morning.

Servant, huh? (chuckles)

I thought it was some new
kind of California Indian.

How come the sign language?

Bernardo neither
hears nor speaks.

Oh. GARCIA: Señor Crane,

I still must know
where you are from.

Other side of the mountains.

Well, then you must
be an Americano.

That's about the size of it.
GARCIA: An Americano?

You have permission
to enter California?

What for? Free
country, ain't it?

California is a
possession of Spain, señor.

GARCIA: Unless you
have a permit to enter,

the law says I
must put you in jail.

Jail? Now hold your horses.

I didn't come to your blessed
California because I wanted to.

I been trapping up
in the high Sierras.

Bunch of Paiutes jumped
me, tried to give me a haircut.

Chased me down, here I am.

Well, sergeant,
obviously Señor Crane

had no choice in the matter.

Whether he did
or not, Don Diego,

the law says he must
have a permit to be here.

DIEGO: Well, I understand this,

but would it not be better
to treat him as a guest

instead of an intruder?
GARCIA: I am sorry, Don Diego,

but the law is strict
as regards foreigners.

Well, I suppose you must
do your duty as you see fit.

Once again, señor, thank you.

I was kind of figuring

having some fun
here in your pueblo.

I sure don't fancy spending
no time in no hoosegow.

Can't we powwow about this?

Uh, you know, talk it over
a little bit, uh, general?

There is nothing to talk
about. The law is the law.

Yeah, I reckon a man
of your importance

couldn't waste his time
talking to no measly varmint

like myself, could
he, uh, general?

It makes no difference
how important I am. I...

General?

Well, of course, I may
have been mistaken.

On the other hand,

I suppose perhaps...
Sit right down, general,

and join me in a spot
of this beaver blood.

(guitar being strummed)

You move right fast for a
man with so much leaf lard

on his carcass, don't you?

I'm always willing to give
the other party an audience.

Now, if you wish to discuss
your problems with me,

I shall be happy to spend the
rest of the afternoon doing so.

Now I understand
how the Americanos

won their country
from the English.

I, uh... I think they
talked them out of it.

But the best beef in
the whole wide world

can't hold a candle
to bear meat.

Remind me once I caught a bear

inside a honey tree.

Rolled a log to block the hole
so the critter couldn't get out,

blew the whole thing
sky-high with gunpowder.

Well, sir, that bear meat
had the finest honey flavor

you ever did taste.

Why, folks come from mile
around just to get my recipe.

He has the table
manners of an animal.

Señorita.

Another bottle for
me and the general.

Sí, señor.

General?

Ah, Señor Crane,

you mountain men
seem to have a lot of fun.

(laughs): Well,
we generally try to.

No, a mountain man, he...

He don't rightly figure he's
down out of the mountains

unless he's had
some good vittles,

something stronger
than milk to drink

and, uh...

a pretty gal to kiss.

Oh, but Señor Crane,
do not try to kiss her.

Why not? She spoken for?

I do not understand.

Well, she ain't married, is she?

Oh, no. Carlotta is a señorita,

but still, our
customs do not permit

such familiarities as kissing.

Well, mine do, general,
and let me tell you,

when it comes to
kissing a pretty gal,

I ain't got no more conscience

than a bull buffalo
in a stampede.

General, there's one
thing you gotta understand:

All women wanna be kissed.

Ha-ha. Not Spanish women.

Oh, all women are the same
the whole wide world over.

What you gotta savvy is what
goes on with them up here.

Now, if a gal was to kiss
a man of her own free will,

well, folks might
say she was a hussy,

but if she was tricked
into it, not knowing about it,

then she'd have all the fun
out of it, none of the blame.

Tricked into it? But how?

You just keep an eye on me,

and maybe you'll
learn a thing or two.

Señor Crane,

I still do not think this
is the right thing to do.

( lighthearted theme playing)

(clears throat)

What is the matter, señor?

Oh, señorita, I got
something here in my eye.

I see nothing.

Well, it feels
gritty, like maybe I

blinked in a cinder
floating around in the air.

I still see nothing.

Well, now, maybe if you'd
just move a frog's hair closer.

Oh, señor, if you
please! (laughs)

Now, that didn't
hurt much, did it?

Well...

You pig!

(laughing)

You have insulted
Spanish womanhood.

No, Hernando. This
will be my pleasure.

Don Carlos,

the Americano is not
familiar with our customs.

You will not harm him.

Americano? So that's what he is.

A barbarian.

Don Carlos. The
Americano is unarmed.

CARLOS: But this is not a duel.

It's an execution.

( ominous theme playing)

Don Carlos, this
is not a fair fight.

JOE: Keep out of this, general.

Just give me plenty of
elbow room. I'll be all right.

(Joe laughs)

That is enough.

The Americano is my prisoner.

You will make no
more attempts on his life

or I shall put you in jail too.

Well, Señor Crane.

You have created
quite a disturbance.

Well, I had a
little fun doing it.

I am sorry, but I must
lock you up in my jail.

You will come with me.

Please? Oh, is
that any way to treat

one of your old drinking
buddies, general?

(door closes)

Don Diego, can anything be done

to keep the
Americano out of jail?

As long as he's in Los Angeles,

he'll be far safer in
jail than anywhere else.

Don Carlos will never forgive
the Americano for striking him.

( soft theme playing)

Are they putting
the foreigner in jail?

Sí, Don Carlos.
That is for the best.

At least tonight we shall
know where to find him.

Where to find him, señor?

Do you think I would permit
him to live through the night

after what he's done?

( ominous theme playing)

(air whooshing)

Tonight.

Ain't often you can find a man

who can hit a mark
like that on the first try.

It doesn't look very hard to do.

What? Most things
seem the easiest

when an expert does it.

I think I could hit it.

Takes a lot of
concentration and know-how.

Here, let me try it once.

Boy, you'd, uh, just be
disappointing yourself.

Oh, please, Señor Crane.

Just once.

Well, it goes against my
better judgment, but for you...

Clumsier than a hound
dog with the staggers.

REYES: Once more.

(braying)

Say, uh...

Now, who usually keeps
them keys to the jail cells?

Sergeant Garcia.

I did it!

Just once more?

Please?

Yes, sir, boy, you've
got that down to a fine art.

Just shows what
a little background

and training will do for a man.

Corporal Reyes.

Do not talk while I'm
sh**ting. It disturbs my aim.

Attention.

The next time I want some
idiot to guard a prisoner,

I'll do it myself. Sí, sergeant.

Señor Crane, it is time for me

to lock you up in
the cell for the night.

Well, you're the high
muckamuck around here, general.

Sergeant, why does
he call you general?

Why? Because it
is perfectly natural.

Any intelligent person might
make the same mistake.

Everyone is not
stupid, corporal.

Señor Joe.

I think it is because of me
you are in so much trouble, no?

Oh, señorita, honey, it
weren't your fault at all.

Every time I come down
out of them mountains,

why, trouble just
latches on to me

like a sick kitten
to a warm brick.

Still I feel partly responsible.
I want you to have these.

I baked them for you myself.

JOE: That's mighty fine of you.

They look delicious.

Sergeant, these are for
Señor Joe, not for you.

Carlotta,

as acting comandante, it is
my duty to search all foodstuffs

for concealed weapons or tools.

For all I know, you
may have hidden a file

in one of these cakes.

Carlotta, what are you doing?

There. Now, when you have
finished eating all the cakes

you can return the
keys to Sergeant Garcia.

Oh, and Señor Joe,

when they release you from jail,

you must come and dine
with my papa and me.

We live just north
of the pueblo,

in a little white house
by the crossroads.

Thanks for the invite, señorita.

( lighthearted theme playing)

Don Carlos.

I have told our friend here
something of our plans.

Do you wish to help us, Pedro?

Sí, Don Carlos.

I do not like foreigners either.

CARLOS: We must act tonight.

For all we know, that
incompetent sergeant

may let the Americano
go free tomorrow.

Pedro and I will help you
climb to the top of the wall.

From there, anyone
inside the jail cells

will make an easy target.

Actually,

this is a patriotic
thing we are doing.

A foreigner has
invaded our country.

We must make an example of him

or others will
be sure to follow.

I agree.

We will wait until
we are certain

that fat sergeant and
his lancers are asleep.

Oh, Pedro, I shall
order some wine for you.

Barmaid.

( suspenseful theme playing)

Sergeant Garcia. Señor Zorro.

Where are the
keys to the jail cells?

Keys. Jail cell.

Keys. Zorro.

Come quickly, señor.

My furs are in the next cell.

There's no time to waste. Come.

No, sir, I ain't going
without my furs.

I'm afraid I must
insist, señor. Hurry.

GARCIA: Corporal
Reyes! Corporal Reyes!

Go back to your
mountains, señor.

I'll keep the sergeant
occupied until you escape.

GARCIA: Lancers!

Señor Zorro, you
are my prisoner.

(chuckles): Not again, sergeant.

(grunting)

One moment, señor.

En garde!

Señor Zorro, is this
a fair way to fight?

They tell me that all is fair
in love and w*r, sergeant.

( heroic theme playing)

Lancers! To arms!

REYES: Lancers!
Lancers! To arms!

(grunting)

I should have
allowed for the wind.

( dramatic theme playing)

We'll get him, sergeant!

GARCIA: Corporal, if
you let him get away,

I'll court-martial you!

Help me up.

Whoa!

Muchas gracias, amigos.

I could never have done
this without your help.

Capture him!

( adventurous theme playing)

Lancers, to horse!

(grunts)

Señores.

The Americano has already
escaped your vengeance.

(g*nshots)

The Americano has
no horse, Don Carlos.

He can't go very far on foot.

We'll go after him
in the morning.

( dramatic theme playing)

After him!

Wait! Wait for me!

Well, by now the Americano

should be well on his
way back to his mountains.

Of course, it's too bad
he had to lose his furs,

but he's still alive, huh?

(chuckles)

Remind me to have
a pair of suspenders

sent to Sergeant
Garcia from Zorro.

(laughs)

ANNOUNCER: Next week,
the hound of the Sierras

trained to k*ll.

We shall go to the pueblo

and let the hound pick up
the Americano's trail there.

And this is Señor Crane's hat.

CARLOTTA: Oh, no.
You must be mistaken.

GARCIA: So he is here, eh?

Lancers, surround the house.

Join us next week

for the exciting escapades of
the mountain man and Zorro.

( dramatic theme playing)

( main theme playing)