03x01 - Best Friends

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are Face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hoping to find We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go Making it grow ♪

♪ Together We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I Together ♪

[TRAIN CHUGGING]

What took you guys so long?

We had a major derailing at Dead Man's Curve.

Oh, no. Oh, that's all right,

we just picked it up and put it back on the tracks.

'Course there was slight damage to the whistle.

[WHISTLE SPUTTERS]

[LAUGHS] Um, Dexter just called,

he should be here any second with his nephew Alfonso.

Rick, it was awful nice of you to agree to show him around.

I'll do my best.

After all, he is just a child.

He's only a year younger than you.

What's the big difference?

Hey, one kid year is equal to 10 adult years.

Ask Lauren Green.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Well, that must be them.

Hi, Edward. Hiya, Dex.

Kate, Richard, I'd like you to meet...

Where'd he go?

Alfonso, will you--?

Alfonso, I want you to meet--

Alfonso!

Pubescence.

Alfonso!

Yo!

This is Edward Stratton.

And that's Kate Summers and that's Richard Stratton.

This is my nephew Alfonse Spears.

Shake hands with the nice people, Alfonso.

Slap 'em high!

Listen here, those are people not a basketball team.

I'm sorry.

Wow!

This place is outrageous.

You must be loaded.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm sorry. You must be very wealthy.

That's all right. Who are you listening to?

Huey Lewis and the News.

At least he's taking interest in current events.

Huey Lewis and News is a music group.

I knew that.

That's a great bracelet, where'd you get it?

It's from Thailand.

I lived there with my mom the last two years.

Oh!

Great primitive craftsmanship.

They gave it away for free

with two whoppers at the Bangkok Burger King.

So Alfonso, where's your mom now?

Now she's in Kenya doing scientific research.

She's living in a cave with a baboon family.

Sound dangerous. Not if you stand real still

and try not to look like a banana.

Let's go upstairs. We can play some more tapes.

I have the Go-Go's! Second door to your left.

The Go-Go's is a music group.

I knew that.

[SIGHS] Dex, can we get you something?

Yes, do you have a spare padded cell?

Oh, come on, what's the matter?

One night with Alfonso, I'm a nervous wreck.

All he wants is junk food.

And he leaves a mess wherever he goes.

And he's constantly watching this insidious thing.

It's called MTV.

Come on, Dexter, that's perfectly normal.

You were a teenager once.

Let's get one thing straight.

I did go through the ages between 12 and 20,

but I was never a teenager.

[SCOFFS] You're just panicking, that's all.

[SIGHS] Oh, guys,

I think I made a terrible mistake.

My sister was gonna put him in this Bridgford school for boys.

I said, "I'll take him. It's only gonna be six months."

Then I realized...

it's gonna be six months!

Dad, I'm gonna take Alfonso down to the hangout.

Let him meet some of my friends. Catch ya later.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

It means "catch ya later" in Thai.

I knew that.

Don't spoil your appetite.

Yeah, you guys be home by 6.

And don't you tip more than 15 percent.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoo!

[ONLOOKERS CHEERING]

That's Dancing Machine.

He's really great, huh?

Not bad, but you can see him working.

Yeah, right.

I want you to meet some of my friends.

Bobby, Nate, this is Alfonso.

Now, give me five so I know you're alive.

Alfonso's coming to our high school this year.

Oh, yeah? You look pretty young to go to high school.

That's probably because I shaved off my mustache.

Ha-ha-ha.

So anyways, Rick, wait till you hear this:

Last week, we're at the Police concert at Rolling Meadows,

you know that geek Artie S. Silverman?

He's there in all leather.

Leather pants, leather shirt, leather jacket.

He must've looked like a wallet with legs! Ha-ha-ha!

So anyways, he's uh...

He's with his girlfriend. I sure miss my girlfriend.

Wanna see a picture of her?

I'll just keep talking, okay?

Yeah, go ahead, Bob.

I'll let you know when I find it.

Great. You do that.

So anyways,

Artie's with his girlfriend. Now, she's in suede.

Now, you gotta picture this.

They're sitting in this wide, open field.

I hope it didn't start raining.

It started raining...

Found it!

Isn't she hot?

Hey, Nate, let's go watch Max refill the toothpick dispenser.

Her name is Sue.

Yeah, that's nice, Alfonso. Look.

You don't have to try so hard.

Who me? I'm Mr. Laid Back.

Lay back even further, okay?

My rep's on the line here.

I understand, Rick.

And don't worry, your rep is safe with me.

Alfonso, what are you doing?

Relax, trust me.

Hey, guys.

I want to apologize.

I didn't mean to come on so strong.

People need time to get to know me.

I learned that from a very close personal friend of mine...

Michael Jackson.

What are you doing?!

Time out a minute here. Wait a minute.

You're trying to tell us that you know Michael Jackson?

That's right.

The guy who sings "Billie Jean"?

Yeah. Also, "b*at It,"

which is what we're doing right now.

I mean, what does your friend think,

we've got oatmeal for brains or something?

[LAUGHS] Certainly not.

You see-- You see-- He has this rare disease.

He-he thinks he knows famous Jacksons.

Reggie Jackson, Jesse Jackson, even Andrew Jackson.

He came down with it in Jacksonville.

No, man. It's true.

I met Michael Jackson in New York last year.

I was breaking in front of Macy's,

when all of a sudden, he walked right up to me.

We flopped a couple of moves,

and we've been friends ever since.

Why me?

Okay, well, why don't you show us some of those moves?

Well, I'm a little out of practice.

Yeah. Right.

Really, I don't like to show off.

This guy is bogus.

Let's go, Alfonso.

Remember we have to meet Kate...Jackson.

No, no, Rick.

It's okay. They want me to dance, I'll dance.

Alfonso, wait, you can plead temporary insanity.

Oh, no!

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Sorry, D.M. It's okay.

Let's see what the little squirt can do.

[ALL CHEERING]

Boy, I sure could use a Coke.

Hey, Rick, how's your rep now?

That was great!

You really could've learned those moves

from Michael Jackson. I did.

Yeah, but there's only one thing that bothers me.

You told me you were in Thailand last year.

How could you have met Michael Jackson in New York?

Did I say last year? I meant the year before that.

You told me you were in Thailand for two years.

Hey, what are you writing a book or something?

I told you I met Michael Jackson, and I did.

Hey man, I'm not lying.

Sure.

There you go.

Hey, hey, hey, back off my man, huh?

Yes, indeed, ladies and gentlemen,

the amazing Edward Stratton is all over the court today,

returning impossible sh*t after impossible sh*t.

Just watch as he addresses the ball.

Hello, ball.

Amazing return, ha!

And he leaps for another impossible return!

And the crowd goes insane!

[IMITATING CROWD CHEERING]

It won't help. You're dead meat.

[STAMMERING]

Oh, yeah? Well, for your information,

I plan to trounce you today,

to pulverize you, to pound you into the turf.

I'll spot you 10 points.

I'll take it.

Hey Rick, Alfonso just called.

He wants you to meet him down at Leave it to Burgers.

He does, does he?

Know what he did yesterday at the hangout?

He made this big scene by telling everybody

Michael Jackson is his friend.

Gosh! The Michael Jackson?

See? Now he's got Kate going.

Well, now, wait a minute. This may sound implausible,

but there are people who have celebrity friends.

I mean, I know Regis Philbin.

The Regis Philbin?

Alfonso told the guys he met Michael Jackson

in New York last year.

Wait, he told us he was in Thailand last year.

Uh-huh, uh-huh! Exactly!

Gee, if Dexter finds out about this, he's liable to panic

and send him to that boarding school.

If the guys find out about it,

he'll wish he was in boarding school.

My rep will be as crummy as a wad of gum

stuck to the bottom of a tennis shoe.

Sounds to me

like you're a little more concerned with your reputation

than you are with what Alfonso's going through.

Dad, don't make me feel guilty.

Well, I seem to remember

a blond-haired kid who told his classmates

that he was the voice of Scooby-Doo.

It was Hefty the Smurf.

[SIGHS] I get your point.

I'll give the kid one more chance.

Good. We'll drop you off at the hangout

on the way to the racket club.

By the way, Dad,

who's Regis Philbin?

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

No, no, no, Machine.

See, you've got the moves, but you gotta feel the music.

It's like what Michael told me:

"Alfonso, you've gotta feel the music."

Wow. That's heavy.

So, uh, Alfonso, you think

you could give me a dance lesson this week?

No can do, babe. Booked solid.

If there's a cancelation, I'll get you know.

Really? All right, thanks, Big A.

No, no, no, Dance Machine.

One, two, three, step, step.

Ahem. Hi, Rick.

Alfons, can we talk for a minute?

Sure, come over to my booth.

So, what'll you have?

Pizza, onion rings...

An Alfonso-burger?

Hey Rick, you okay?

You look like you lost a friend.

I'm considering it.

Anybody we know?

Alfonso, let's get right to the point.

Sooner or later, everybody's gonna find out

you don't know Michael Jackson.

Then you're gonna be-- Hey everybody!

You're not gonna believe who's coming this way.

Alfonso, wait a minute. This is important.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Here he comes!

[MICHAEL JACKSON'S "BILLIE JEAN" PLAYING]

It's him! It's really him!

It is him.

But that doesn't mean he knows Alfonso.

Alfonso!

M.J., how's Tito? Where's Jermaine?

Oh, they're fine.

I want you to meet somebody.

This is my friend Rick Stratton.

The daughter.

He's here!

Yeah, I guess we really misjudged Alfonso, huh?

Yeah. I shook his hand.

Really?

What's he like? It's just like they say,

the bigger they are, the nicer they are.

Yeah.

When word filtered down

to the racquetball courts, we just had to get here.

Yeah, well, I was also skunking you 20-zip.

Yeah, lucky for you Michael showed up when he did.

Well, um, thanks for dropping by, M.J.

Give my love to LaToya.

You helped silence a few doubters

who didn't think we could be friends.

Well, bye, everybody.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

Leave him alone!

Stop it!

[WHISTLES]

Listen to me, I've something to confess.

That guy is not Michael Jackson.

He's a look-alike.

You people-- You're animals!

His name is Norman Williamson.

I paid him 50 bucks to show up here.

See, I-I told ya.

This guy is bogus.

Michael Jackson. Ha!

You know, in years to come,

we'll all look back at this and laugh.

Many, many years.

Alfonso, I can't believe you did this.

I tried to help you out, but-but no,

you had to make a fool of me, my friends and my family.

I thought we were gonna be friends.

You did?

Yeah, but friends have to be able to trust each, forget it.

I guess I never had a friend long enough to find that out.

By the time I get to know somebody,

it's time to say goodbye.

Or adios. Or sayonara.

[SPEAKS IN THAI]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it? It's Dexter.

Auf Wiedersehen.

For someone so small, you certainly

get into a disproportionate amount of trouble.

Okay, Dex, calm down.

Calm down? Look at these damages.

Two broken chairs, four shattered moo-cow creamers,

and that impersonator's jacket.

Do you know what it's gonna cost in repairs?

Sixteen broken zippers.

I'll pay you back.

I'll mow the lawn every weekend.

I have an apartment!

Look, I-I really believe it's best for all concerned

if you attend that Bridgford school for boys.

I'm sorry, Alfonso, it's not your fault.

I'm just not equipped to handle a teenager.

I get so...impatient.

Come on now, we'd better go and pack.

I don't have to. I never unpacked.

No big deal, I'm used to moving on.

Dexter.

Nobody's more mad at this guy than I am,

but I know what he's going through.

I mean, I moved around a lot too.

I never felt like I belonged anyplace until I got here.

Dex, I was just as unprepared to have a child as you.

I was terrified of the responsibility, but believe me,

my life is 10 times better since Rick's been a part of it.

That's a thousand percent return

on your emotional investment.

What do you say, Dex?

One more chance? Oh, Richard.

[SIGHS] We're worlds apart.

I just don't see us communicating.

We could try.

Look, I even bought a Beethoven tape for my Walkman.

"Opus 25, Serenade in D."

I love that.

I think this guy Beethoven

would sell a lot more records if he had a video.

Well...

Maybe I was a bit hasty.

I'm sorry if I lied.

It's just that I wanted everybody to like me.

I understand.

I promise I'll never do it again.

Well, in that case...

we'll give it a try.

Okay?

You will never regret this, Dexter.

Yeah, Dex, maybe someday he'll listen to some Stray Cats.

No pets.

Stray Cats is a music group.

You knew that.

Um, Rick,

can we still be friends?

Friends. Show 'em what we got.

All right.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, Dex! Come on, Dexter!

You tried it. Maybe next week.

These seem new. Ready?

♪ Together We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons Together ♪