03x09 - The Call of the Wild

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Dad, do I have to wear a tie?

Your mother's telegram specifically said,

"Have Richard looking his best."

But this is not my best.

I look my best in that sleeveless sweatshirt

with the holes in it.

Come on, Rick.

How often do you meet your future stepfather, huh?

Yeah. Wonder what he's like.

Knowing Mom, he's probably some boring count or duke.

All those guys ever talk about is who makes the best cigars,

what fish lays the best caviar.

[LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

RICK: Mom. Richard.

Edward. Evelyn.

So where is your fiancé?

He forgot Richard's present in the car.

Here he is.

Hi.

Elmer Sinkowski.

You're gonna marry Elmer Sinkowski?

You must be Rick.

It's like shaking hands with a building.

[LAUGHS]

Elmer, this is Edward's assistant

and best friend, Kate Summers.

How do you do?

Hi. My pleasure.

And this is Richard's father, Edward Stratton III.

Put it there, Edward.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi. I've watched you on TV a hundred times.

This is a major honor.

[LAUGHS]

Who is he?

Who is he?

Who is he?

One of the greatest offensive tackles

to ever play pro football that's who.

You're right.

They used to call him the Obliterator.

ALL: The Exterminator.

Right. Well, I knew it was something destructive.

But he is the gentlest man on the face of the earth.

Yeah. A lot of people don't understand that.

For example, whenever I injure another player

like break his leg or something,

I would always send him a nice bouquet of flowers.

Well, I'll bet you had a huge florist bill, huh?

Yeah.

Rick, I brought you a little souvenir.

Come on over here and open it up, huh?

BOTH: Wow!

Very nice.

It's a little bruised.

It's been in a lot of wars.

I can't believe it.

My head is where your head used to sweat.

[LAUGHS]

Thanks, Exterminator.

We're gonna be family, son. Call me Elmer.

Why don't we have some tea?

Oh, here.

Elmer, can I take your jacket?

Oh, please.

[GRUNTS AND EXHALES]

Wow! Look at that muscle.

[CHUCKLES]

Kate.

Kate!

Oh! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

My goodness.

Tea, Elmer?

Uh, no, thanks, ma'am.

I'm sure it's fine tea, but I brought my Gator Juice.

Ahh.

He's a fanatic about that stuff.

I've seen your commercials, Elmer.

Gator Juice. It brings out the reptile in you.

So how did you lovebirds meet?

Well, we were seated next to each other

on a flight to Budapest, Hungary.

I was covering communist bicycle race

for NBC Sports and--

And I had a yen for really good goulash.

Anyway, we got to talking,

and Elmer told me how much he felt like a gypsy.

Yeah, my whole life as a player was spent in strange cities,

different hotel rooms.

Always moving, always lonely.

Poor baby.

And then it dawned on me.

I too was a gypsy.

Yeah, and we realized we both wanted

what makes life worth living. A home.

And I'm gonna make it a happy one.

Isn't that romantic, Edward?

Yeah, just like a fairy tale.

I can't believe it.

Elmer Sinkowski is my mom's babe.

Is that a working train

or is that just a big cigarette lighter?

[LAUGHS]

It really works.

Did you build it yourself, Edward?

No. I bought it myself.

You wanna see it? Yeah.

I used to have a train in my backyard when I was a kid.

Union Pacific.

Shook the house.

[LAUGHS AND GROANS]

He is a great guy, Mom.

Oh, I'm so glad you like him, dear.

We're going to be spending oodles of time together.

You mean it? Absolutely.

I have a lot of lost time to make up for.

[TRAIN HORN SOUNDS]

All aboard! Yoohoo!

Hey. All aboard!

You know, Kate, that big man

on that little choo choo has made me

wanna build a whole new life.

He's so clean and pure and vigorous and American.

He even yells at people in traffic.

And I bet they listen. [BOTH LAUGH]

He's inspired me to go places I've never been before.

The supermarket, the dry cleaners.

Maybe even a garage sale.

Evelyn, you can't trade in your lifestyle

like you trade in your Rolls-Royce

every September.

True. But I'm ready to change.

Kate, I need people lessons.

Evelyn, are you asking for my help?

Yes, yes.

I'm tired of life in the fast lane.

I realized I wanna be just like you.

Simple and ordinary.

You're willing to stoop that low?

I am! I am!

All right. Why don't we start by making lunch for the guys?

Yes. Great.

I know. We go into the kitchen and boil up some hamburgers.

Yeah.

[PLAYING TROMBONE]

Something bothering you, Edward?

Think something's bothering me because I'm playing a tune

called "I've Got the Obnoxious Ex-wife

Who's Been in Town for a Week It's Driving Me Crazy

I Don't Think I Can Stand it Anymore" blues?

Look, Edward, I wouldn't blame you if you were jealous

because Rick likes Elmer so much.

Oh, come on, Kate. Elmer's a great guy.

It's Evelyn who's driven me to the trombone.

Rick seems real happy that his mom

is spending so much time with him.

Oh, sure. She's spending time with him now,

pumping up his hopes.

She's not gonna change, Kate. No matter what she says.

She's like a werewolf promising

not to get hairy during the full moon.

Well, she's trying real hard.

I was working with her in the laundry.

She has a real knack for separating

the wash-and-wear from the delicates.

Well, I do wanna give her a chance,

but I don't wanna see Rick get hurt.

What a great football game. Hey!

Mom actually liked it.

It was remarkable.

I screamed like a banshee and nobody stared.

I swear I heard you all the way up

from the broadcast booth.

You mean when I did this?

[AIR HORN SOUNDS]

You rang?

Uh... No, no, Reeves.

I'm sorry. She was just playing with an air horn.

See, even when she tries to be plain and simple,

a butler shows up.

After the game, Elmer took us to a restaurant

where we encountered some of his former coworkers.

Yeah. Pork Chop Johnson and Baba Bronsky.

I have never seen a man

crush a beer can on his forehead.

Oh, I was just showing off.

I've never had so much fun in my life.

How could I have reached 3--

Twenty-nine odd years and never tasted beef jerky?

Evelyn, you are changing.

She really is, Dad.

Mom and Elmer, they're gonna buy a house

here in Shallow Springs.

Oh.

Where in Shallow Springs?

Hi, neighbor.

[LAUGHS]

Did we really fake you out?

You sure did.

Let's give him an instant replay.

Okay. Ready?

Hike!

Touchdown! Ha, ha! ELMER: Yeah.

Man.

When you move in next door, we can do this all the time.

Yeah. We can have barbecues, block parties.

We could even start our own neighborhood watch.

When you move in, we won't need a neighborhood watch.

Oh, Dad.

How's your shoulder?

Oh, fine, fine.

It'll be okay in a couple of days

when the feeling comes back.

When did that happen, Edward?

Remember when you forgot to play and tapped me on the shoulder?

Yeah.

That was it.

I know what will help that.

Little Gator Juice.

No, Elmer, no, thanks. I'm not thirsty.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah?

That stuff's amazing.

You ought to see it work on grease stains.

Ahh! Come on, everybody.

Let's go down to the burger joint

and get a slurp-and-burp.

What do you say?

Why not?

Try and get around me, Exterminator.

All right.

How about this?

Got him right where I want him.

You know, Dad, ever since I was a little kid,

I used to dream about you and Mom getting back together.

Have them live next door is gonna be the next best thing.

Yeah, I just hope it works out, son.

[SIGHS] What do you mean hope?

Well, it's not gonna be easy for your mother, you know.

I just hope she can pull it off.

Dad, will you stop with the hoping?

She's doing great. We've done all sorts of stuff together.

Tonight, when you're at the play with Kate, she's gonna come over

and we're just gonna hang out.

I didn't believe it at first,

but now I'm convinced she really wants to be with me.

Don't worry about it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mom. Hi.

Here. Thank you.

So, what should we do tonight together?

I figured you could me help me out

with my book report, then we go bowling.

Bowling? That's perfect.

Listen, I'm sorry I was late.

The street out front is full of traffic.

The Wentworths are having a going-away party next door.

I know. I can hear them out in their lawn.

They invited me, but no way I'd miss

spending this evening with my son.

Great. Here's my book report. Tell me what you think of it.

I have to read it out loud on class Monday. Ahem.

"The Call of the Wild by Jack London."

I've never read that. This should be informative.

"This book was very good.

It was exciting and fun to read

and it kept my interest throughout."

That's my standard opening. The teachers love it.

"I especially like the part

where Buck watches two dogs fight.

And the loser slashed to ribbons."

By the way, Buck's a dog himself.

"Even though--"

[FIREWORKS CRACKLING]

Wow, look at those fireworks.

The Wentworths are going all out with this party.

Oh, believe me.

Fireworks at a party are nothing special.

We have them all the time in Europe.

For Bastille Day, Prince Rainier's birthday.

My birthday.

Fireworks on your birthday?

Oh, a couple of years ago in Munich. Meaningless.

Let's get back to real life.

"Even though Buck's a dog, he narrates the story.

And he does a pretty good job for a dog.

He was kidnapped from his beautiful home

in sunny California

and is taken to Alaska where zero is a warm day."

[MUSIC SOUNDS DISTANTLY] [LAUGHS]

Is that who I think it is?

It is.

It's Manny Catwell.

The Wentworths must have flown him over

from the imperial hotel in Hong Kong.

This could be the party of the year.

Mom?

Sorry, dear. I--

I was just so surprised to hear Manny's magic fingers.

Okay. Now, I'm dying to hear it.

What happens to Jack the dog?

No. No, Buck's the dog. Jack wrote the book.

Oh, right. Of course.

"At night, Buck would lie by the fire

and dream about his wild ancestors.

He seemed to hear a distant call.

It was like a wolf's howl."

[[FUNNY LAUGH SOUNDS DISTANTLY]

I'd know that laugh anywhere.

It's Sir James of Brooks.

Richard, have you ever met anyone

from the House of Lords?

Who is that wearing the latest Gloria Vanderbilt.

It's Gloria Vanderbilt.

And there's Prince Haak of Norway.

This is the party of the year.

Mom?

Yes, yes.

Mom?

Continue. Continue.

Mom!

I'm sorry.

Let's go bowling.

[[FUNNY LAUGH SOUNDS DISTANTLY]

What is Sir James laughing about?

Oh, his laugh is so infectious.

Mom, we can go bowling another night.

Really?

Yeah. Go ahead to the party.

You really wouldn't mind?

It is the party of the year.

Oh!

You are such a dear.

This will be my last one.

I'll just say goodbye to the Wentworths

and hello to my whole new life, with you.

"Buck seemed to hear a distant call.

It was like a wolf's howl.

[FUNNY LAUGH SOUNDS DISTANTLY]

It was the call of the wild."

[RUCKUS]

Well, I'm sure glad the Wentworths

are finally moving.

Aside from keeping me up all night

with that stupid party,

look at all the junk they threw over the hedge.

Oh, that's rude.

Champagne bottles, croquet mallet.

Lobster.

Oh, look at this.

To top it all off, there's a Ferrari

at the bottom of the swimming pool.

That's awful.

Yeah. You're telling me.

Pool man doesn't come till Thursday.

Oh, that must be Evelyn.

We're going shopping this morning.

Yeah.

Evelyn?

We're only going to the fish market.

I was at the Wentworths' party all night.

Anyway, I just came from speaking with Elmer.

I have a big surprise.

You're pregnant. You're pregnant.

No. The opposite.

We're splitting up.

Elmer is a wonderful man.

I gave it my best sh*t.

I'm just not right for him.

Let's face it.

I'm not exactly the happy homemaker type.

I've gotta hand it to you, Kate, it's not easy being ordinary.

It's a gift.

You knew all along it wasn't gonna work out,

didn't you, Edward?

Oh, well, I just--

Yeah.

How's Elmer taking it?

It's hard to say.

He's always crushing beer cans on his forehead.

Anyway, I'm leaving immediately.

Lord and Lady Brooks have invited me to Bermuda

for the annual Shorts Festival.

That's charming.

But, you know, you have a son upstairs

who's gonna be very, very disappointed.

I'm going to talk to him right now.

Unless you'd like to tell him for me?

See? This is exactly why I don't like real life.

[KNOCKING THE DOOR]

Come in.

Hi, Mom. Hi.

What you doing?

Just working on a program for my computer.

You're so intellectually gifted.

Let's see if it works.

[LASER sh*ts]

It's called Donkey Invaders.

That's lovely.

Richard, there's something I have to tell you.

You're leaving, aren't you?

How did you know?

I guess I just realized.

You're just like Buck the dog.

I beg your pardon?

What I mean is last night,

when you heard that party next door,

it's just like when Buck would hear

the howl of his ancient ancestors.

Sooner or later he had to join them.

Just like you had to join the Wentworths.

Let's face it, Mom. You're just a party animal.

I like to think I'm more than that.

But you're right,

I'm not good at staying in one place.

Look, Richard.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

I know how much you wanted me to settle down with Elmer

and live next door.

And I wanted to make up

for all those times I wasn't there for you.

You tried, Mom.

I don't want you to be somebody you can't be.

Thanks for understanding.

Well, I guess once again I'll miss out

on being named Mother of the Year.

Not on my book.

Son, I know it was a disappointing experience,

but there's some good things that came out of it.

You got to spend a lot more time with your mom.

Yeah. We found out about Gator Juice.

Want some more?

Yeah, please. Here you go.

Works on glass too. Yeah.

RICK: Elmer.

How's it going?

You heard Evelyn cut me from the team, right?

That's pretty rough, huh? Yeah.

I feel like my heart's been blindsided

by the Fearsome Foursome.

Well...

[SNORTING]

Yeah, it's probably for the best.

Evelyn's a great woman and she tried real hard,

but I guess deep down

I knew all along that she's a rolling stone

and I'm moss.

She just couldn't gather me.

Well, Elmer, even though things didn't work out,

I hope we'll all still be friends.

We like you a lot.

Oh, you guys.

[GRUNTING]

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