03x10 - Beauties and the Beasts

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go Making it grow ♪

♪ Together We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Do you know why nobody reads the school newspaper?

Because they're full of flashes,

boring, stupid,

and it doesn't fly that well, either.

Look, guys, since we're in charge of the freshman page,

let's turn it into something everybody will be talking about.

Hey, wait a minute! I got it! I got a great story!

Nah.

I don't think I can go through

another round of negotiations, Dex.

Why don't we just give the workers what they're asking for?

Because Big Jake Gagan and his union want too much.

Besides, it will take all the fun out of negotiating.

You call sitting in a smoke-filled room

half the day and all night fun?

I live for it.

Hi, Katie.

As the executive assistant of Eddie Toys,

I should've been there.

There was yelling, gesturing, utterly vile language.

It was no place for a woman.

Edward, do you agree with him?

Absolutely not, honey.

But, you know, there are some places

where a woman wouldn't wanna be.

I see.

Well, besides, you know,

labor negotiations are traditionally a...

Man's domain.

I see.

And this Big Jake Gagan is an animal.

I mean, here's a man

whose toupee is stapled to his head.

I understand.

Do-good. Let's go get something to eat.

Why don't you eat your foot?

It's already in your mouth.

Hi, Dad. How's the union negotiating going?

Oh, terrible, son. Negotiations have completely broken down.

Everywhere.

So how's the school paper going?

We're in trouble, Dad.

So far, next week's lead story is

"Freshman Mascot Has Puppies."

The Fuller Flash needs some pizzazz.

Pizzazz? I didn't know kids were still saying that.

BOTH [IN UNISON]: They aren't.

You know, I'll never forget

our school paper had an ugliest guy contest.

[LAUGHING]

One of my best buddies, Louie Bender, won it.

He didn't even enter.

You know what, though, used to work for us well

is beauty contests.

That's perfect. I can see the headline now.

"Who will be Miss Fuller Freshman?"

I can see the contest now.

All those hot babes.

Hey, we can be the judges. ALFONSO & FREDDY: Yeah.

All you need is two eyes and some hormones.

Now, wait just a minute.

There is more to being a girl than just beauty.

You know what counts?

Qualities like personality, intelligence, talent, poise,

the ability to communicate, sensitivity.

These are the things that should be appreciated in a woman.

You're absolutely right, Kate.

And we're gonna judge 'em on all that stuff.

Now, the question is,

should we do it before or after the swimsuit competition?

After or before?

Yeah, yeah. Though body...

Dex?

Why don't we go make Kate's dinner?

That's a good idea.

[FUNKY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CLAPPING IN TIME WITH MUSIC]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[FREDDY CHUCKLING]

Thanks, Rick.

Boy, next time, I'll take a Dramamine.

Gentlemen, I hold in my hand the entries

to the Miss Fuller Freshman beauty contest.

Wow, look at all of them!

Freshman girls are just as desperate for recognition

as we are.

I don't believe this.

[SCOFFS]

Boy Alvin.

Excuse me.

You're not eligible.

Oh, no.

It's Leslie Ann Cranbottom. She's looking this way.

So?

So she's had a mad crush on me for years.

She worships the ground I walk on.

I can't shake her.

Hi, Leslie.

Hello, Rick. Hello, Alfonso.

Hi, Freddy.

Me?

How'd you like to take me to the homecoming dance?

This is a joke, right?

I mean, nobody's ever wanted to go out with me.

You're so sweetly humble.

[CHUCKLING]

Rick.

She loves you so much,

she even worships the guys you hang around with.

Walk me home? Yeah!

Be careful, Freddy.

Leslie's entered in the contest. She can be a barracuda.

Hey, watch it.

You're talking about the lady I love.

Let's go, doll.

Sorry, Rick. Nerds are in.

We sure are.

Do you believe that guy?

Yeah. The first girl that comes along,

and his brain turns to chop suey.

Hi, Alfonso.

A... A... Angela.

Rick, do you know A... A... Angela?

No, I don't believe I've met A... A... Angela.

Alfonso, I've just ordered this extra-large pizza,

and I couldn't possibly finish it myself.

If you need pizza finished, I'm your man.

Hi, there.

Hi, Corliss.

Okay if I join you?

Sure.

Has anybody ever told you you have fantastic biceps?

No. Never.

[GASPS]

You must work out a lot.

Well, now that you mention it, I have had my...

[GIGGLING]

We've been negotiating for a week.

I say this time we go in there

and give that union a "take it or leave it" offer.

Dex, these negotiations are getting very bitter.

Who's bitter?

Well, I mean,

bringing that voodoo doll with the face of Big Jake Gagan.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Maybe you should try a trade-off, like they did

during the strike of the British coffee workers of '59.

In exchange for less money,

they gave the coffee workers a longer tea break.

That way, both sides won.

That's an interesting thought.

You have any more ideas?

Well, I jotted down a few thoughts last night.

Would you have time to give us the highlights?

I'd love to.

Please.

I'm open to suggestions, but Edward, I'm warning you,

we can't afford to be pushed around

by the United Cuddly Toy Union.

I had a wonderful afternoon. Bye, Rick.

Goodbye, Corliss.

Why don't you go on without me? I'll join you in a minute.

Hey, how's it going?

Boy, do I feel cheap.

Corliss and I went miniature golfing.

And you know that par three windmill?

Yeah, the dogleg by the gnome cottage.

That's where she asked me to promise she'll win

the Miss Fuller Freshman beauty contest.

Oh. Well, naturally, you told her

you couldn't promise her anything.

She made me do it, Dad. It was a love thing.

I plead temporary puberty.

Rick.

You know you're gonna have to tell the guys about this,

and you're gonna have to set Corliss straight.

Alfonso and Freddy are gonna be here any minute.

What am I gonna tell them?

Guess you'll just have to... [DOORBELL RINGS]

...face the music.

Boy, Rick, this contest

is making us the dudes of the hour.

Yeah. People are actually saying hello to me.

Listen, guys, I have something to tell you.

I kind of got carried away,

and I sort of promised Corliss Kirchenbauer

that she'd kinda sorta win

the Miss Fuller Freshman beauty pageant.

Look, I don't blame you for getting mad at me.

Well, it could happen to anybody.

In fact, it did.

You promised Angela?

I don't believe it! How could you guys do this?

We're sorry, Freddy.

You should be! I already promised Leslie.

Hello, boys.

BOYS [IN UNISON]: Hello, Miss Bushmill.

Listen, guys, it's been a whole week.

Now, who's told the girls

that the contest is gonna be won on ability alone?

I told Leslie.

Well, how'd she take it? I'm not sure exactly.

I used mental telepathy.

Well, I was getting around to it.

Listen, guys, the contest is gonna start any minute.

We gotta tell our girls right now.

All right. Right.

RICKY: Corliss. Can I speak to you a minute?

Don't worry. I've been practicing acting surprised.

[GASPS]

I might cry, but I don't know if I can do it.

Well, maybe this will help.

Listen, about the contest--

Isn't it wonderful how it's brought us together?

It's been the happiest week of my life.

Listen, about the contest--

I've never won anything in my life.

Until you came along.

What was it you wanted to say about the contest?

Good luck.

If we don't work this out,

we're gonna lose our girlfriends.

Not to mention our reputations.

At least the newspaper will have some juicy information.

Our obituaries.

Hey, wait a minute! I've got it!

Nah!

You always do that to me.

You build up my hopes,

and you pull the rug out from under me.

Now, what was your idea? We're desperate.

Well, I was suggesting that Leslie win this time,

and your two girls win the next two beauty contests.

Nah.

What are we gonna do?

Alfonso and Freddy, you're on.

[FANFARE PLAYING ON BOOM BOX]

Five, six, seven, eight.

BOTH: ♪ Miss Fuller Freshman She's the best ♪

♪ She can pass most any test ♪

♪ A vision to behold ♪

♪ In a crown of gold ♪

♪ Yes, it's true ♪

♪ Miss Fuller Freshman ♪

♪ Miss Fuller Freshman ♪

♪ Miss Fuller Freshman ♪

♪ We love you ♪

Yeah! Yeah!

Hi. This is Rick Stratton.

Tonight we ask the question,

who will be Miss Fuller Freshman?

Boy, is that a good question.

Boy.

You can feel the tension in the room.

Not to mention my entire body.

This contest is broken down to four categories.

Beauty, personality, talent, and long division.

Without further ado,

let the parade of beauties begin.

First, we have Homeroom 128.

Angela Cavendish,

36, 22, 36.

That's her locker combination.

[PIANO PLAYING A LIVELY TUNE]

♪ On the good ship Lollipop ♪

♪ It's a sweet trip To the candy shop ♪

♪ Where bon-bons play ♪

♪ On the sunny shores Of Peppermint Bay ♪

I think the world would be a much better place

if wash-and-wear fabrics really work

like they were supposed to.

Whoa.

Right off the top of her head too.

Okay, This is our 42nd ballot.

Corliss, one vote.

Angela, one vote.

Leslie, three votes. [WHISTLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

What?

This is ridiculous. We agreed we would vote

for the girl we honestly felt should be Miss Fuller Freshman.

Yet look at this. Corliss has one vote.

How do you explain that?

Easy. You voted for her.

Yes, I voted for her. I was being impartial.

You saw the talent competition.

Corliss' bird calls were so life-like

people started throwing crumbs at her.

Look, guys, I wanna make a personal appeal.

I want you to vote on Angela

because I intend to make her my wife.

What does winning the contest have to do with that?

I don't wanna marry some loser.

Forget it.

Okay. Here's $5.

I'm sorry, I can't be bought.

Corliss bought you.

It so happens I care about Corliss.

And I care about Angela too.

You guys only think of yourself!

What about you?

I think about myself as little as possible.

Guys, this is gonna ruin our friendship.

I'm willing to risk it.

See-- See, you guys can get other girls.

This may be my only sh*t.

[CROWD CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

Boys, boys, it's been 20 minutes.

BOYS [IN UNISON]: Yes, Miss Bushmill.

I've got it.

All our troubles are over.

We vote for a fourth person.

Someone nobody can disagree with.

Not even the girls.

Who might this magical person be?

Miss Bushmill.

That's perfect. Everybody loves her.

She's retiring next year.

This is the greatest idea since nose guards.

Hi.

Well, after much considering, we have a winner.

And this person truly represents

the qualities of beauty, talent, personality, and long division.

And the winner is...

[FANFARE PLAYING ON BOOM BOX]

Miss Bushmill!

[CROWD BOOING]

What is your name and homeroom number?

What is your name and homeroom number?

But, Freddy, you promised me that I would win.

Oh, I'm so angry, I could spit nails.

Alfonso said I'd be the winner.

A... A... Angela.

Don't "A... A... Angela" me.

You told me you were fixing this.

How could you be so dishonest?

CROWD [CHANTING]: Fixed! Fixed! Fixed! Fixed!

Fixed! Fixed! Fixed!

RICKY: See you next year! GIRL: Yeah! Stop 'em!

To Kate. Who helped us finally get

that contract. Yeah.

I thought I was gonna fall through the floor

when you got the employees to agree to accept less pay

in exchange for their own vegetable garden.

Whatever possessed you?

Oh, it was very simple.

During a break, Big Jake Gagan started telling me

about how, since he moved to an apartment,

he really missed his beloved cucumber patch.

Well, I just wish you'd been around a couple years ago.

You might've prevented the strike at a preschool division.

Well, how long were they out?

This many days.

Ah! Well, I have to be running.

I'm having dinner at the United Nations.

We're roasting Gu Mu.

Ooh! That sounds delicious.

No, he's the state council of China. Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Want some more coffee?

Why, thank you.

Rick, why are you running?

Wouldn't you if an angry mob of freshmen

were chasing you and throwing food?

Definitely.

Well, Dad, good news.

Everybody's gonna be reading the school newspaper tomorrow.

Guess what the headline's gonna be.

"Freshman Beauty Pageant Fixed. Rick Stratton Scum."

Let me guess.

You didn't tell Corliss the truth.

Dad, I tried to tell her 30 times

that I shouldn't have promised her.

Why couldn't I do it?

Hmph.

Because if I told her, I knew she'd never talk to me again.

How do you know?

All she wanted me for is my vote.

She'll never speak to me again.

No girl will ever speak to me again.

I'm headed for monkhood.

Son, I think you're making an awful lot of assumptions

about the opposite sex.

I did the same thing. I ought to know.

I assumed that Kate couldn't handle herself

in those labor negotiations, and I was wrong.

We couldn't have gotten that contract without her.

He's right.

Well, it's safe to assume one thing.

Corliss and I are history.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Corliss.

I came to apologize.

Huh?

I told my parents what happened.

That I got you to promise me

the Miss Fuller Freshman contest.

And they told me how wrong it was

and that I should come tell you.

So I'm sorry.

It's quite all right.

But they also said I can never see you again.

Oh?

But I talked them out of it.

Wanna go for a walk or something?

Sure.

You know, you really do have big biceps.

[GIGGLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Ah... Heh, heh, heh.

Well, I'm glad to see that the Stratton men

are developing a new understanding of women.

Well, there's so much to understand.

Would you, uh, like to go for a walk or something?

I'd love to.

Gee...

...you really do have big biceps.

[GIGGLING]

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪