03x20 - Hot sh*t

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You sure were a beautiful bride, Miss Summers.

I mean Mrs. Stratton.

Thank you, Alfonso.

And you certainly were handsome on our wedding day.

Oh, no, I--

Yeah, I was, wasn't I?

Look at that pile of wedding gifts.

Yeah. Getting married is like hitting it big

on The Price is Right.

By the way, did you ever figure out

who gave us the solar-powered radio

and who gave us the antique porcelain horse head?

Well, all I know is that the Johnsons gave us one

and the Carroways gave us the other.

And I'm trying to come up with a thank-you note

that covers both gifts.

Great idea.

Try this.

Thank you for your extremely unique gift.

Whenever we carry it we try not to drop it.

Now we never have to be alone when go to the beach.

[ALL LAUGH]

Not bad.

How about this?

Your gift is truly a horse of a different color.

[LAUGHS]

Ah...Well, I think I'll go think of something else.

Well, I'm gonna take this outside and see how it works.

Dad, that's not the solar-powered radio.

I know that. I'm gonna put it in the vegetable garden.

It should terrorize the crows. Ha, ha.

[WHISTLES]

I saw a great wedding gift for my Dad and Kate

down at Goldman Silver Shop.

An antique silver picture frame.

I'd really like to get it for them.

You haven't got them a wedding gift yet?

Ooh, tacky.

Anyone with knowledge of etiquette knows

you have up to year after a wedding.

Besides it takes a little time to save up 150 bucks.

Wow, that's major money.

How much do you have so far?

Seven dollars.

Of course you owe me five.

Two dollars.

Have you thought about maybe earning some money?

Yeah. But only as a last resort.

How about collecting aluminum cans?

At a nickel a can?

Do you know how many I'd need to save up $150?

A lot.

Yeah, a lot.

I need a jolt job.

The kind that pays hard cash.

And plenty of it.

Here's one that pays hard cash.

"Plasma donors wanted."

What's plasma?

I don't know.

And if I don't know what it is I don't wanna donate any of it.

Hey, Rick, here's one that's perfect for you.

"No experience necessary."

Nobody has less experience than I do.

"All ages considered."

What's the job?

Salesperson.

And listen to this.

Earning's unlimited.

BOTH: Ooh!

Would you pass me the salt please?

You know salt's not good for you. You use it.

Yes, but I don't have your high blood pressure.

Salt does not give me high blood pressure.

You give me high blood pressure.

Just don't get yourself worked up.

Why are you always telling me what to do?

Because if I don't, who will?

That's really nice.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Yes?

You're k*lling yourself, Al.

Oh, wonderful.

Count to five and send him in.

[AL CLEARS THROAT]

Welcome. I'm Al Butler, founder and president.

It's a kid.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Right.

Hi. I'm Roy McIntire, sales manager.

I'm Richard Stratton. Nice firm handshake, eh, Al.

I give it a five.

Well, here's my employment application.

I sure hope there's something for me

in Discounts International.

Excuse me, the correct pronunciation

is Discounts Internationale. [TONGUE POPS]

Our card. Oh, thanks.

You see, Discounts Internationale

buys factory-direct

from companies all over the world

and then we pass along the savings to our customer.

Ah. I don't know, Roy,

we have nine candidates for this job.

Why should we hire some kid?

Well, I'm bright, I'm outgoing, I--I've--I--

Well?

I think fast on my feet. Ha!

Well, I'm impressed, Al. What do you think?

I don't know. In sales, you gotta have a k*ller instinct.

I'm a k*ller. Honest.

[ROARS]

In the last school library fund drive,

I sold over hundred boxes of taffy.

Big deal.

Hey, hold the phone, Al.

If this kid could sell something crummy like taffy,

imagine what he could do with our quality item,

the Hot sh*t camera.

Are you crazy? Start him out with our finest product?

Maybe you're right.

I could sell the Hot sh*t. I could sell dozens of them.

My friends, my neighbors, they all take pictures.

They all take pictures, Al.

I don't think so, kid.

Ow! I'm sorry,

but he is the president and the founder.

I just gotta have a job.

You see I need to earn enough money

to buy my dad and his new wife a wedding gift.

Al, he does have motivation.

Well? Well, I'm motivated, Mr. Butler.

There isn't anything I can't do.

My favorite story's always been The Little Engine Who Could.

Mine too.

Well, I don't know.

I may live to regret this,

but I think if this kid works real hard--

I will work hard. He will work hard.

Well, okay.

Oh, good. Ah!

I'm sorry.

Welcome to the family. Welcome. All right. Thanks.

Nice handshake. Already better.

I give it a five and a half, maybe a six.

Now, this is how we work.

When you sell a camera, you make three bucks.

You sell 100,000 cameras, you make $300,000.

Three hundred thousand dollars.

I could retire at 15.

It's been known to happen.

Well, here's your order forms, your colorful brochures,

and most important of all, Rick, this is your sales presentation.

Memorize this word by word.

Roy. Presenting the Hot sh*t.

Imported from a quality camera company

whose name I cannot reveal by law.

Now, you might ask, how much does a camera like this cost?

Two hundred dollars or a hundred dollars?

Well, let me tell you, you can buy this camera

for only $15.

Fifteen dollars?

I know what you're thinking. "How is that possible, Roy?"

Of course you'd say "Rick" instead of "Roy".

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"How is that possible, Rick?"

See, the answer is simple.

We buy factory-direct to pass the savings along to you.

Now, I know what's on your mind.

Does this camera have the features

I expect in a quality camera?

Does it have your auto focus,

your auto rewind, your auto flash?

Protective lens cap and neck strap?

The answers to those questions is yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

If you took just one picture a day for the next year,

it will cost your four cents a day.

Less than the cost of a single stick of gum.

Isn't that incredible?

Yeah.

It's gnarly. Look, now.

I've already filled up a form for you.

All you have to do is sign your name right there.

[EXHALES]

Now can I have the $15?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Rick, my camera just came in.

You wanna go to the post office with me to pick it up?

I can't. I'm gonna give my dad and Kate their gift.

Hey, I'll go with you.

You bought one too? Yeah.

Boy, everybody wants one of these.

Yeah, sold 80 cameras.

Not only do I have enough money

to buy my dad and Kate this picture frame,

but I have 90 bucks leftover.

I was gonna invest in the stock market,

but I bought these pair of leather pants instead.

Well, let's go, Nate.

That was a wise choice.

Those pants are gnarly.

TV HOST: And there you have it, Trivia Bingo

fails our Fight-Back Challenge.

It is not more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

[MONKEY SOUNDS ON TV]

TV HOST: Don't get ripped off.

And we'll be right back to fight back

after these messages.

[APPLAUSE ON TV]

You guys got a minute?

Oh, sure, son.

Happy wedding.

I wrapped it myself. [LAUGHS]

But you didn't have to give us a wedding gift.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll just-- Yes, you did.

Open it.

EDWARD AND KATE: Aw!

You like it?

I love it.

Your initials engraved right there.

Oh, son, it's beautiful.

Where did you get the money to buy something like this?

Well, I worked selling these really great cameras,

factory-direct. Their discount's only 15 bucks.

Sound like a pretty good deal. It is.

I didn't wanna tell you about it

because I wanted this gift to be a surprise.

Well, I am really touched.

And I have the perfect picture for this in the library.

How about the picture where I'm feeding you the cake?

How about the picture where I'm feeding you the cake?

Let's compromise.

How about a picture of the cake?

TV HOST: Is it a bargain at 19.99?

You might not think so when your genuine Tiffany lamp...

...turns out to be a genuine rip-off.

Buyer, beware.

False advertising is the bait

and incredible discounts are the hook.

For example, here's an offer

that might be difficult for you to turn away from.

A state-of-the-art,

fully a*t*matic, imported camera.

Usually sells for $100.

Now, before you reach into your pocket,

you should know that what you see is not what you get.

Don't be fooled into buying junk like this.

And if you do get ripped off, what do you do?

AUDIENCE [ON TV]: Fight back!

Ow!

Hello, operator.

I'm trying to reach Discounts Internationale [TONGUE POPS]

555-3604.

I keep getting a busy signal.

It really is busy, huh?

Thanks. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, guys.

Rick, we've got a big problem here.

This camera doesn't have auto focus,

auto wind or auto anything.

All it's got is auto mess-up.

This camera is bogus.

This isn't like the camera they showed me.

No kidding.

Look at this picture Larry took.

Well, I can make this out.

Larry, isn't that your bulldog?

That's his girlfriend.

Sorry, Lar.

I want my money back, okay? Yeah.

Look, look, look. Yeah--

There's been some kind of mistake.

I'm just on my way to Discount Internationale... [TONGUE POPS]

I'm gonna straighten this thing out, okay?

Yeah, well, you'd better. I will.

Yeah. And if you don't get our money back,

I'll personally make sure that you don't get another date

for the rest of your high school life.

It's only $15.

If Rick says it's gonna be okay then it's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay, isn't it, Rick?

Hey.

That's what I was afraid of.

Rick, look at this.

What a perfect gift, son.

Yeah. It's something we will treasure always.

It's a great picture. Yeah.

You can see your faces and everything.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Look, you don't have to say you like it just to please me.

I can return it, get my money back

and get you something better.

Later.

Return it? Never.

Rick, it's exquisite.

You know what makes it so special, son?

You bought it with your own hard-earned money,

and I'm very proud of you for that.

It's nothing all that great.

You know, I was thinking,

we could use some of those cameras

down at Eddie Toys for employee bonuses.

Give me price break on a dozen? No.

Okay, you drive a hard bargain. I'll pay you full price.

No, I'm-- I can't sell you any.

Why not?

Why not?

You see, this camera was so successful

that it's sold-out forever.

They're never making any more.

The company went out of business.

You'll never, ever, ever, ever see them again. Ever.

Then it's all settled.

We'll take 600 food processors, Mr. Fong Choi.

Yeah, we'll arrange shipping information next week.

Aha. Ciao, Choi.

Al, have you been in my desk?

I had to borrow your stapler.

Did you take my candy bars?

You know, the doctor said they're not good for you.

You ate them, didn't you? I did not.

You did too. Did not.

You did too.

There's a telltale speck of chocolate

at the side of your mouth.

[KNOCKING THE DOOR]

Who's there? Me.

Your secretary must be out to lunch.

Hey, look who's here, our star salesman.

Yeah, sold 80 cameras.

Which means I'm up 80 ex-friends

who own an orange box with a strap on it.

Look at this piece of junk. Feels like you guys painted on.

There must be some mistake.

Well, no wonder they're upset. This is not the 200LT.

No, that's the 100LT.

Those idiots at Taiwan fouled up the order.

That really steams me.

I personally am gonna give Fong Choi

the tongue-lashing of his life. You watch.

What am I supposed to do?

Tell my gym coach, "Sorry about the bad camera,

but it's okay because some guy named Fong Choi

is getting yelled at"?

Al, we gotta refund the money to the kid.

Well, I can't do that.

Come on. All my friends think I ripped them off,

and I'm gonna ruin a reputation that took a lifetime to build.

Oh, no. Did you hear that, Al?

Yeah, yeah.

What do you say?

Okay, you big softy.

You really are nice guys.

Oh, that has nothing to do with it.

Discounts Internationale [TONGUE POPS]

has stood behind every product we've sold

for 25 years.

That's right. Okay, now that means 80 times 15.

Twelve hundred dollars minus commission of $240--

Wait, I already spent my commission money.

Can I help it if you're an impulse buyer?

Well, I can't pay everybody back.

Is it my fault they shipped the wrong camera?

No, but why should I absorb your losses?

Hey, hey, Al. He's just a 14-year-old kid.

Well, sure, he's taller than you are...

but he doesn't know any better.

He's right. Fong Choi will pay us back.

Ah. Okay. Okay.

Thanks.

This is great, guys.

There you go. Boy, am I relieved.

Thanks again, now. Our pleasure.

You know, he really is a nice kid.

Yeah.

I'll bet he doesn't steal other people's candy bars.

Aha. Aha.

When you press the shutter, the lens falls off?

Yeah, well, I'll tell him about it.

Can you believe any of this? [PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hello, Freddy.

[SIGHS] Right, the camera.

Freddy, I'm sure that Rick would never intentionally

sell you a bad camera.

Yes, I know how it is when you're in an important event

and your camera doesn't work.

Your mom is in the World Series of Quilting tonight?

Gosh, wish her luck.

Okay, Freddy, I'll have him call you when he gets back.

Bye-bye.

[PHONE RINGS]

I can't believe all of these complaints.

Rick has some explaining to do.

Hi.

Hi, son.

I have a few messages for you about a certain camera.

From Tommy, JT, Gwendolyn,

Roxie, Vitto, Coach Herkimer,

Vice Principal Miletich.

I didn't sell a camera to the vice principal.

I know you didn't.

He just wants to know why you sold one to Tommy,

JT, Gwendolyn, Roxie...

Dad, I think I need your help.

You think?

Okay, I'm positive.

See, I went to Discounts Internationale [TONGUE POPS]

a place where I got these cameras.

And I told them I wanted my money back

so I could repay all my customers.

They seemed real nice about it.

They even gave me this refund check.

They actually reimbursed you? Well, then there's no problem.

Except when I went to the bank to cash it, it bounced.

Well, then there's a problem.

I really got suckered, Dad.

They have this nice office in Wabbanably Building.

It seemed so nice.

Then I saw David Horowitz on his TV show.

He gave a whole report about the camera scam.

If I'd only seen it earlier.

You call David Horowitz. You know him.

That's right. You met him

when you did that commercial challenge.

Yeah, he proved Eddie Toys'

little plumber tool kit could fix a real toilet.

We faced the Fight-Back Challenge and won. Aha!

I am gonna call him, and after I do,

we're going down to that office

and get your money back, in cash.

All right.

These guys aren't big, are they?

Well, yes and no.

RICKY: Oh, Al, Roy. It's me, Rick.

You sure this is the place, son? I'm positive, Dad.

They must have skipped town.

Unfortunately that's the way all these things end up.

David. Thank you for coming down. Good to see you.

This is my son Rick.

Yeah, the victim.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, Rick.

Can't we call the police or something?

Technically, you could,

but the worst that these guys have done

is false advertising which is a misdemeanor.

Can't we take them to People's Court?

In order to go to People's Court,

you have to have people.

I feel so mad I wanna kick something.

They didn't leave anything to kick.

Don't feel bad. Most of us, at one time or another,

fall for schemes like this.

Rick, when I was your age, I remember I saw a great ad

in the back of a comic book for x-ray glasses.

X-ray glasses? Yep.

Said you could see through steel, see through concrete,

see through...

other things.

[CLEARS THROAT] Cost a dollar.

Gee, I paid $2.

I remember when I put them on,

I couldn't even see through the window.

Well, x-ray glasses are one thing,

this camera looked so good.

I thought it was such a bargain.

Well, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

That's the tip-off to the rip-off.

I feel terrible.

I feel like I had a part in ripping off my friends.

I gotta pay them back.

I'll tell you what,

I'll float you a loan. You could pay me back.

Work at odd jobs, mowing lawns.

I know what. You could collect aluminum cans.

Yeah.

Hey, Rick, I have an idea.

Why don't you come on my show

and tell everyone how you got ripped off.

What? And make a fool out of myself

in front of millions of people? Forget it.

But you wouldn't be making a fool out of yourself.

Instead you'd be making people aware

so that they don't get ripped off.

Instead of being a fool, what you would be is a hero.

What time do I have to be there?

I guess that's the end of Discounts International.

Oh, Dad, that's Discounts Internationale [TONGUE POPS]

[PLAYS ENDING THEME]

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