03x21 - All the Principal's Men

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are Face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hoping to find We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go Making it grow ♪

♪ Together We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I Together ♪

And Coach Cramlet said, "There was nothing wrong

with the Fuller High basketball team

that, quote, 'Couldn't be cured

by some taller kids who know how to sh**t,' unquote."

Over to you, Rick.

Finally.

Finally.

Here's the bulletin.

Switzerland is suing our school cafeteria for libel

because they called last week's special Swiss steak.

I don't wanna say the food in the cafeteria is bad.

How bad is it?

Well, primitive tribes travel thousands of miles

just to dip their darts in the gravy.

So goodbye. Until next week,

when our special guest will be Mr. Burholtz from Wood Shop.

He'll show us how to make an attractive lamp

from a piece of driftwood. Thank you.

That was very good, guys. You're definitely improving.

Yeah. Yeah, it's only our third week

on the air. And last week, we had a 17 rating.

Wow, 17 percent of this city was watching you guys?

No, 17 people.

Oh, well, that's more than...

16.

I loved the cafeteria jokes, Rick.

But is the food really that bad?

Freddy should know. He works there part-time.

Uh, I only clean up.

I have nothing to do with the cooking.

Tell them what the cafeteria staff does for lunch every day.

We eat out.

[HORN HONKS] Oh. That's Bob and Barbara.

Dinner shouldn't take long. We'll be home early.

Yeah. Okay.

I forgot to tell you.

They're taking us over

to Blythe and Steve's house.

He's gonna show us pictures of their trip to Finland.

Oh, fantastic.

You really mean that?

No, I was just practicing.

"Steve, great sh*t.

Hey, now that's a picture.

You're right, Blythe, that is a unique building.

You're kidding. They do that every October?"

All right, now.

We need something more exciting for next week's show.

How about an interview with Christie Brinkley?

Do you know Christie Brinkley?

No.

But how about an interview with her?

I've got some news that would knock this town's socks off.

It would blow the lid off the school.

It would drop like an H-b*mb.

People would be talking about it for months.

Really? What is it?

I can't tell. It's a secret.

Then why did you bring it up in the first place?

You always do that to me. You get me excited,

and then you throw a bucket of cold water on me.

Why do you do that? Why, why, why?

Actually, it'd be great to get it off my chest.

You know the beef patties on a bun they sell in the cafeteria?

Yeah, the twin burger?

Well, they ought to call it "the daily double."

What are you talking about?

It's not beef.

It's:

[NEIGHING]

[SPUTTERS]

[GULPS]

[IN UNISON] Horse meat?

You said it, I didn't.

Freddy, how do you know this? Give me the details.

Okay.

The other morning, I went to the cafeteria

to warm up the sweet rolls. I don't eat it myself

because my mom says it gives me distress in the lower tract.

Anyway, my assignment

was to get some Number 8 onions

out of Mr. Snodgrass' office.

He's the cafeteria manager.

Wouldn't you know it, the bag broke.

They spilled all over.

I bent down to get them,

then Mr. Snodgrass came in to the office

with this guy, Larry, who owns the Happy Dale Meat Company.

They never saw me,

but I overheard everything.

The school is giving Mr. Snodgrass money

to buy real meat.

But instead, he's buying cheaper horse meat from Larry

and passing the savings along to his pocket.

Come on, let's get this on tape for our next show.

Oh, no! If I told all this, I could get fired.

I need this job.

Every dime I earn goes towards my college education

and contact lenses.

Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, this is an important story.

It has to be told. It must be told.

The American public has the right to know.

Besides, it'll make our ratings skyrocket.

But this guy, Larry, looks real tough.

I bet he cuts his nails with a chainsaw.

If you tell your story on the air,

we'll disguise your identity and no one

will know it was you. You have my personal guarantee.

From now on, you'll be known as Mr. X.

So, Mr. X, you're saying

the cafeteria is selling horse meat?

[IN GRUFF VOICE] You bet your bippy.

And there you have it, fellow students.

An ugly web of kickbacks, lies

and meat that used to wear a saddle.

Thank you, Mr. X.

Don't mention it.

Are you sure about this, son?

My source saw the whole thing.

I can't believe this is happening.

I wanna talk to your principal in the morning. What's his name?

Dr. Percy.

[DUCK PHONE QUACKS]

Yeah, hello.

Oh, Dr. Percy. I was just trying to remember your name.

Yes, we were both watching it. Dr. Percy, I wanna express my--

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

And goodbye.

He wants to see us both

in Mr. Snodgrass' office immediately.

I have to meet Mr. Snodgrass face-to-face?

Afraid you do, son.

Just a second, Dad.

Ready.

Mr. Stratton, Bill Snodgrass has worked with great dedication

as our cafeteria manager for the past 17 years.

Thank you, Dr. Percy, for those kind words.

I'll get right to the point.

Your son has made some serious charges on his TV broadcast,

which has caused a lot of people to get upset.

Ever since I spoke to you on the phone,

my secretary has logged calls from at least 25 people.

Wow, our ratings went up.

That's all he cares about, getting a rating.

Even if it means destroying an innocent man.

Now, that's not true. My son feels he has

a journalist's responsibility to present Mr. X's story.

But does he have any evidence to back up these outrageous lies?

This just may be some child who has a personal grudge.

I'm positive. Mr. X is honest.

But a man's career and reputation

are being impugned.

It may be too late.

I think the impugning has already been done.

On the cafeteria blackboard, somebody already wrote:

"Today's special: black stallion loaf."

I want to meet this Mr. X.

I want to get to the bottom of this.

I promised I wouldn't reveal his identity, and I'm not gonna.

I don't have to, do I? No, you don't, son.

If you promised you wouldn't reveal his identity,

you don't have to and nobody is gonna make you.

Oh, Mr. Stratton, really?

We asked you down here in the hopes that you, as the adult

who is responsible for this boy's actions,

could talk some sense into him.

What makes you sure it's my son that's wrong?

Why don't you investigate?

I'd like to investigate it.

That's why I want to meet your Mr. X.

All right, all right, I'm going to give you 24 hours

to come forth with your eyewitness

or I'm gonna have to suspend you from school

and take away your TV program.

But I did-- Twenty-four hours.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, that's just what we need to know, F. Lee. Thanks a lot.

Hi, Dad. Yeah, great news, son.

I just talked to my lawyer, F. Lee.

Your lawyer is F. Lee Bailey?

No, F. Lee Burnbaum.

His real name is Homer,

but who wants a lawyer named Homer Burnbaum.

Anyway, the good news, son,

is if they suspend you from school,

they're violating your First Amendment rights.

That is good news. Yeah. Well, the bad news is,

that if your source is wrong,

Mr. Snodgrass can sue me for everything I have.

Well, don't worry, Dad, Marty Stevenson's dad is a chemist.

Alfonso took him a cafeteria burger to get it analyzed.

He's coming straight here with the results.

Great. I also sent Kate on a little fact-finding tour

at the Happy Dale Meat Company.

She'll tell them she's opening a chain

of discount hamburger joints called Budget Burgers. Hmm?

She's looking for some very cheap beef.

Thanks, Dad, for believing in me. Ah.

Hey, Kate. Let me take that for you.

What did you find out, huh?

Well, first of all, the Happy Dale Meat Company's slogan

is "All our cows are happy."

Of course they're happy. They don't k*ll them.

I bet you their horses are plenty depressed.

Well, I'm afraid they're a well-respected firm.

They have dozens of awards for quality.

They sell to the best restaurants in town.

And their founder was the author

of what has become known as the "bible of the beef industry."

The Joy of Meat.

Well, I hope you're not gonna get bamboozled by all this.

Well, the Better Business Bureau hasn't had any complaints.

I am waiting for a credit report,

but they sound like they're squeaky-clean.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay, Alfonso, what was really in that meat?

Well, it's 100 percent grade-A beef.

Of course.

It doesn't surprise me in the least.

Once he knew we were onto him,

he switched back to the good meat.

Rick, maybe Dr. Percy was right.

Maybe this Mr. X just has a grudge.

But, Dad, I'm positive.

My witness is a completely reliable,

honest, bumbling clod--

Oh, why, oh, why did I ever believe him?

Kate, let's go into the library. I better call F. Lee.

RICKY: F. Lee Burnbaum?

No, F. Lee Bailey. I'm gonna need him.

[SIGHS] Guess the only thing left to do is go on the air

and apologize to Mr. Snodgrass.

I'll be humiliated.

But at least we'll still have our house.

[DUCK PHONE QUACKING]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Freddy.

I'm at the cafeteria.

You'll never guess what I just overheard.

Snodgrass was talking on the phone to Larry.

The guy from the Happy Dale Meat Company

and he told him--

Uh-- Uh-- Crying won't help, Sheila.

Huh?

That was a close one. Mr. Snodgrass just went by.

Quick, what did he say? He said to Larry--

You heard me, Sheila, I need freedom! I am a party animal!

Freddy, what are you talking about?

Sorry, Rick.

Anyway, Snodgrass and Larry

are up to their old tricks again.

They're meeting at 4:00. I think it's important.

Why? I looked at a scratch pad

and there are a lot of dollar signs and...

nooses.

We could get that meeting on tape.

Is there any place to hide in there?

There are some boxes in his office.

Freddy, we're gonna be right down.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I can't talk anymore, Sheila.

I have dedicated my life to the food service industry.

Women.

Come on, Alfonso.

We may not have to sh**t our apology after all.

Where are we going? Down to the cafeteria.

Now, I have to warn you, it could be dangerous.

Alfonso is the name, danger is the game.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Hi, Mr. Stratton.

Can you tell Rick and Alfonso

to meet me by the cafeteria dumpster?

I will, Freddy. What's this all about?

I can't talk. My lips are sealed.

Bye, Sheila.

That's strange.

What is it?

Freddy just called me "Sheila."

That's ridiculous.

You're more like a Beverly.

Okay, now it's clear. Let's go.

Freddy, stay here and be on the lookout.

If you guys get caught and go to jail... Yeah?

...you won't tell them I'm Mr. X, will you?

I promised I wouldn't reveal you as my source,

and I'm sticking to that.

You're the best friend a guy could ask for.

And if you're caught and sent to prison,

I'll send you cigarettes.

We don't smoke.

I know, but they use them for money in prison.

I saw it in a movie once, The Big House.

I don't know why they called it "The Big House."

It looked more like a zoo.

They should have called it Big Zoo. Freddy.

Yeah?

Stop babbling.

It's just a nervous thing I do. Sometimes I can go on and on.

I just can't help myself. I mean, Mom says I'm...

Well, we could hide behind these boxes.

No wonder the food tastes so bad here.

Look at this.

"Potato Helper."

I don't believe this.

He can afford to buy a thousand dollars' worth

of clothes at Saks Fifth Avenue?

Gimme this.

Hi again, Mr. Snodgrass!

Oh, great. Come on.

Set up. Okay.

Loitering again, Lippincottleman?

No, sir. I was just wondering if you could recommend

a good college for me to get my degree in cafeteriology.

Why don't you go to the one I went to?

The school of hard knocks.

You need good grades to get in there?

Wiener.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Sorry, I'm late.

My yoga class ran long.

That's okay, Larry. I was knee-deep in a pudding problem.

So, Snod, when do we resume business as usual?

Don't call me Snod, okay? I'm sorry.

When?

Well, a couple of weeks after things cool off.

Good. Because we can't make any money like this, huh?

And that's coming straight from the horse's mouth.

Horse's mouth.

The horse's mou--

Yeah, the horse's-- You might say

it's kind of a horse of a different color.

All right, quit horsing around.

Hey, hey, I mean it!

Quit horsing around.

What are you getting so hot about?

You're the one that owes me money.

All right, all right.

I'm sorry, all I got is 50s.

That will do just fine.

Oh, Larry...

I've been having a problem in here with R-A-T-S.

[MOUTHING] R-A-T...

Rats!

And I think they're hiding behind these boxes.

Ha-ha-ha.

Squeak?

What are you kids doing behind those boxes?

They got a camera.

Uh, we were doing a documentary on electrical outlets.

You've got a great three-pronger down there.

We got some sensational footage.

Thank you.

Good work, Larry.

I think this is the kid that started all the trouble.

And this must be Mr. X.

No, I'm not.

If you're not, who is? Come on, talk.

Oh, I bet I could make them talk.

Yeah, I'd say the odds are in your favor.

[KNOCKING]

More R-A-T-Z?

Come in! Come in!

Dad!

Hey, hey, hey, you guys are all right?

What's going on here?

These troublemakers broke into my office.

Is that true, son? Well, sort of.

But we have the goods on them. It's right here on this tape.

[WHIMPERS]

Tape has got Larry, he was just about

to pay Mr. Snodgrass a lot of money.

And they made all kinds of horse jokes.

All right, Mr. Snodgrass, what's this all about?

Money and horses?

All right, Dr. Percy, I confess.

I play the ponies.

I'm getting confused. What are you doing here?

They were talking about doing business when things cooled off.

Well, I merely suggested the children

would appreciate beef barley soup

on a chilly winter day.

Ooh! They're good.

Well, Mr. Stratton?

Dr. Percy, this man is a convicted felon.

He is? Yeah.

That credit report Kate was waiting for finally came in.

Seems Larry sold funeral plots that turned out to be

in the middle of the Long Island Expressway.

Before that, he sold defective candles to churches.

No wicks.

What? Yeah.

He bought Happy Dale Meat Company three months ago

and he's been ruining their reputation since.

I deny the alleged allegations.

The bottom line remains

these two boys witnessed no wrongdoing.

But Mr. X did.

All right. Now, who is Mr. X?

RICKY: I'm not telling who he is. I made a promise.

We seem to be on the horns of a dilemma.

Dr. Percy, this is ridiculous.

These boys should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

You just hold on one minute.

They broke into an innocent man's office.

That's invasion of privacy.

Kids today.

SNODGRASS: If I weren't such a decent man,

I'd sue you for slander. Maybe I will anyway.

I'm gonna take you for everything you have.

Dr. Percy, I want you to see to it

that these boys are expelled from the school.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I have something to say.

Mr. X is...

Mr. X is...

Mr. X is me.

You're Mr. X?

[IN GRUFF VOICE] I saw the whole thing.

The kickback, the horse meat,

I'll swear within a court of law.

Dr. Percy, the kid's a wiener.

Well, you've got your Mr. X.

Ought to be enough to open an investigation, huh?

Yes. I'm definitely going to look into this.

Good. I welcome it.

Me too.

Gotta go.

See you around, Snod.

Freddy, you didn't have to do that.

Yeah, that took a lot of courage.

Wait a minute, this is news and we're here? Come on.

I'll get the camera and put in a new tape.

Rolling?

Yeah.

Three, two, one.

Hi. This is Rick Stratton coming to you live

from Mr. Snodgrass' office,

where Mr. X just had the courage to reveal himself

as Freddy Lippincottleman.

[IN GRUFF VOICE] Hello there.

Dr. Percy has agreed to launch a full-scale investigation

into what we like to call "cafeteria-gate"

Mr. Snodgrass, how do you f--?

Mr. Snodgrass, how do you feel about that?

No comment.

And so following a week of intensive investigation

on Fuller High School, it was discovered

that this reporter was right.

And Mr. Snodgrass voluntarily resigned.

As for the Happy Dale Meat Company,

they've been shut down.

At long last, we know where's the beef!

Stay tuned for part two of Mr. Burholtz

in How to Make a Driftwood Lamp.

Well, congratulations, son.

You know, you guys were awfully lucky.

What do you mean?

What if your source had been wrong?

You would've unfairly damaged Mr. Snodgrass' reputation.

You better be sure from now on you check your facts thoroughly

before you broadcast them on TV, okay?

Okay.

Oh, it's on.

[NEWS THEME PLAYING]

BURHOLTZ: By this time,

you have carefully selected your driftwood.

♪ Together We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons Together ♪