02x21 - Trust Fund Pirates

[bunniefuu]

# Let me tell y'all the story
of a pirate named Hook #

# Had a big bad boat
and a pneumatic cook #

# They all sailed together
across the ocean blue #

# Beamin' bootlegged tunes
to your baby and you ##

Run up the antenna, mate.

Aye, aye, Captain Hook.
And you know that.

Everything is everything.

Push and pull,
and push and pull...

and push and pull.

Take a cold shower.
I got another three miles.

Shiver me timbers.
Hey, isn't it time
for your show?

You're always right.

He's late.

You're addicted.

Arrest me.

Three, two, one.
Yo ho ho, Miami.

It's the pirate
of the airwaves, babies.

Your old friend, Captain Hook,
back for another radio raid
on your senses.

I'm gonna plunder you
with bootleg boogie, babies,
from somewhere out here...

in the wild blue Atlantic O.

And all you FCC legal-beagles
out there,
catch me if you can.

# Blue day #

Okay?
Okay.

There she blows!

Right place, wrong time.
She never lies.

Ahoy, mateys.

Permission to board?!

# Yo ho ho
and a bottle of rum #

# Yo ho ho
and a bottle of rum #

# Yo ho ho
and a bottle of rum ##

Buenos dias. You're dead.

The coke didn't have
feet on it, man.

Find it or you
walk the plank.

Stotto.

Looks like somebody's been
smuggling here.

Gold, Captain.

Better than gold, babe.
Reminds me of that
scene in Captain Blood.

The one where they....
They find the booty.

Let's shove off.
Yeah.

Captain Hook's got the blues.

Captain Hook thinks
something's rotten
in Hook town.

You want to know the truth?
You came
to the right frequency.

Captain Hook's worried
about his listeners, babies...

but hey, hey, hey,
truth with a capital T.

It ain't my job to worry.
Ain't that right?

Let me hear you say "yay."

The good Lord took
a good look around
and he made a decision.

He decided that
Sylvester Stallone
was born to mumble.

He decided that Mr. T was born
to wear gold chains.

And the good Lord
took a good look around...

and decided that
Captain Hook was born
to spin tunes.

Is the Captain gonna
turn his back on
the big pirate in the sky?

Let me hear you say "nay."
Wait a minute.
I feel a tune coming on.

A little ditty,
a righteously dedicated ditty,
for flyboys everywhere...

but Jackson, in particular.

Watch how you use
your wings, baby.
They're the only ones you got.

I'm gonna spin you a yarn,
I'm gonna play you a song...

I'm gonna do it short.
I'm gonna do it long, baby.

That's 'cause I'm non-stop
and I'm double
clutching today.

Let's shove off
with a nice little tune.
Something to shake your booty.

Damn.

This party is definitely
not happening, Moralez.

Damn.

Sonar equipment.
Better than nothing.

How long do they think
it's been floating out there?

Three, maybe four days.

About the same time
that Customs gunboat
was hot-wired.

Did they find that?
This morning.
Beached down in the Keys.

This boat was docked
in Cartagena last week.

Authorities there suspect
Moralez and his friends
were carrying.

Could it be
death for dr*gs?

We've had pirates
off the coast before.
Pirates?

Use the boats
for smuggling dr*gs,
then sink them.

This might be a new wrinkle.

Hijacking the white booty
after somebody else
does the dirty work.

The Chamber of Commerce
isn't gonna be
too cool about that.

There was also some
sonar equipment
stolen off the boat.

Switek and Zito
are checking in
on that right now...

on a sting operation,
that they had
up in Broward.

They might've come across
some of it.
Check in with them.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hey, junior,
what it is, man?
You got the stuff?

Hey, is a frog's butt
watertight?
What?

Hey, check it out, man.
This is the latest
in sonar gear, man.

You could find the Titanic
with this stuff, man.

Hey, listen,
we ripped it off a guy's
grandmother's boat, man.

Perfect condition.

What, this grandma's
got sharp teeth?
Look at all the scratches.

What do you guys think
of my new TV show,
Stolen Goodies?

Switek, America's not ready.

All the serial numbers
match the ones
given on warranty...

when Moralez
bought the stuff.

Why would anyone
be willing to blow away
a boatload of people...

to nickel-and-dime
some stolen merchandise?

I don't know.
Who's the traveling salesman?

Calls himself Jumbo,
a.k.a., T.R. Collins.

He was a real famous
B-and-E legend, turned fence.

Lives in Sweetwater
with his wife.

Doesn't sound like
m*rder's his bag to me.

People change.

So, where's the eye patch?

Huh?
Pirates.

Huh?

Never mind.

Tourists. Pale-skinned
blue hairs with their
potbellied partners...

stroll unchecked down
asphalt boulevards.

Huge pink
and pale blue hotels...

where there was once
only unadulterated sand.

Ugly. Ugly. Yeah, ugly.
Non-stop ugly.
Junk everywhere.

Junkies, junk food, junk mail,
junk-junk, triple junk,
double junk, quadruple junk...

wrecked aircraft
grinning charco'al flame...

smiles of death
and hopelessness.

Charter members
of the Mile High Club, are
cooking on another planet...

and they will not
share the recipe.

Lifetime residents
of the Miami day room,
weave ugly baskets...

out of shattered dreams
and whacked-out schemes.

Scammers, planners,
posers, pilots...

superstars
of tragic circumstance.

Can I have your autographs?
Yeah, Captain's
talking to you.

Make it out to your
very best friend, H-O-O-K.

Let's do lunch. I'll have
the grilled smog plate....

Smog-spewing DJ.

What kind of
alien planet is this?
Airplane hell.

Damn rats. I hate them.

Hey, don't worry.
I know how to use it.

You aren't in any danger.
Mueller?

No. Burnett and Cooper.

We're looking to see
Mr. T.R. Collins.
Is he around here anywhere?

His name is Jumbo
to his friends.

We aren't his friends yet.
Well, he's
expecting Mueller.

Well, everybody
loves surprises, lady.
So they do, Mr. Cooper.

I'm Mrs. T.R. Collins,
but you can call me Fluffy.

Mueller?
No, Burnett and Cooper.

Where's Mueller?
Who's Mueller?

They're not
with Mueller,
Jum-Jum.

Take care of them.
Excuse me, Jumbo.

Three days ago,
you moved some...

very radical anti-surveillance
equipment to some black-market
bozos up in Broward.

So?

Well, it belonged to us.
Maybe you should
leave now.

Maybe not.
I will sh**t him.

sh**t him.

Hey, hold it, man.

Hey, hold it, man.
Hey, it's not worth this.

Hey, what,
they use your boat?
Right.

Hey, man,
I didn't know,
you know?

Like, it was supposed
to be a clean
little transaction, man.

Only eight kilos, man.

Hey, I even paid
some money up front, man.

Who? Moralez?
Yeah, Moralez.

No, no, no, man,
the other dude.
The pilot, man.

It was his deal
from the get-go, man,
you know?

But when he went
to get the dope, man,
Moralez was already whacked.

And, you know,
they took the dope, man.

So he brought me
all that other stuff, man...

so I could recoup
some of my money.

Well, where can
we find him?

Who?
The pilot.

I don't know, man,
you know? I mean...

I barely knew
the dude, man,
you know, like...

I just met him
through a friend,
man. Yeah.

A friend of a friend
kind of a thing?
Yeah.

On a drug-dealer level?
Yeah, something
like that, man.

Okay, so who's your friend?
And I don't know
where I heard it.

Hook, man.

Hook. You know,
Captain Hook,
the DJ dude, man.

Thanks.

This little number goes out...

to a real good pal
of the Captain's.

Lives out in Sweetwater,
with his lovely bride, fluffy.

This one's for you, Jum-Jum.

Watch where you're walking,
who you're walking with.

Yeah, dig what I'm saying,
Jumbaline, this one's for you.

Yeah, you got to pick up
the pace girl.
b*at it, Noogie.

You're making it
too easy for yourself.

You know the Captain
hates cellulite.

Even a hint of it.

That's much better.
Practice make perfect.

Little faster, you be down
with the noogie-woogie
on down, you understand?

Friends of yours?
No way.

You know I ain't
allowed to have company.
Captain's orders.

You know, if that boat
was purple, I'd say it's
Prince and his bodyguard.

But the muscle
looks a little light...

and I gots to go below deck,
so you handle things up here.

Wonder if Prince can swim.

Well, yo ho ho.
Do you see what I see?

Yeah, I thought
he was dead.

Captain usually takes requests
over the phone.

Who are these guys?
FCC? Coast Guard?

I don't know, but if
they friends of yours...

we ain't got
enough for lunch,
tell that right now.

Feds.

Fans.
Fan.

Singular.

You're breaking my heart.
Say it ain't so.

Be cool, man. This guy's got
a tin ear and no appreciation
for outlaw radio.

Call it what you will.

You're not here
for autographs, though.
Noog-man thinks so.

Look, you're not in this
conversation, chump.

We were having a fun
little chat with your
old buddy, Jumbo.

Should I be curious about why?

Concerning certain personal
property that was fenced
by a pilot you know.

And who you want to meet?

I don't think so.

Come on, man,
we just want him
to do a job for us.

We don't want to k*ll him.
So don't worry about it.

First mate says
Captain takes one look
at you two guys...

and he got plenty
to worry about.

The way y'all be
housing things,
and what not.

The guy's trying
to quit the business.

I put the pilot
in the same room
with you two guys...

no matter what
you want from him,
it's nothing he needs.

Look, man, you can't
cold turkey for him.

If he's a player
trying to quit the biz...

he's gotta do it for himself,
or not at all.

Come on, man,
you can trust us.

If you couldn't,
why would Jumbo
tell us about you?

We're good people.

Maybe. Maybe good cops.

Good cops? Please.

I feel like I've
been here before.

Make you feel
good or bad?
Strange.

You remember
when you used to fly
the big ones, Jackson?

Hey, dude.
What's happening?
Save it.

Cooper and Burnett.
The bad humor men.

Our reputation precedes us.
Hey, bad news travels fast.

Controlled substances?
Colombia? Jimmy the pilot?
Ring a bell?

He told me all about you guys.

So you know Jimmy?
That's great.

Now I know why I had
that strange feeling.

Oh, great, huh?
Not so great for him.

It took him two months
in Miami General to recover.

But now he's on the straight
and narrow, just like me.

Jimmy?
On the straight
and narrow?

That's a contradiction
in terms, butch.

Yeah, well maybe
you don't know him so well.

Yeah, and maybe I do.
And maybe I say
you're a lot like him.

Look, man, for the first time
in my life...

I got a legit job
with a great girl
at the same time.

Now, I don't need
to mess with the kind
of trouble you brought Jimmy.

Legit job, huh?

So, what is it?

Repair.

These are awful delicate
pieces of machinery, you know.
They're sensitive.

Delicate.

Yeah, this sounds
real exciting to me.
Yeah. Real colorful.

I don't know
if I can take it.

So you guys want
to get a drink?

Turn off your lights, man.
What do you think this is,
a spy movie?

We're careful young men.

Yeah, you're careful.
You better be careful, man.

Is this it?
That's it.

You Mueller?
I'm Mueller.

Nice meeting
you, man.

Nice meeting
you, too.

It sure looks good.

It's not that
I don't trust you guys,
you know what I mean?

Hurry up,
will you?

Beautiful.

Where's the cash?
Follow me.

You know, it's kind
of weird, man.

A friend of mine just got
k*lled for eight keys,
you know?

Gee, that's too bad.
Yeah.

And, all of a sudden,
here you are with,
guess what? Eight keys.

Boy, what a coincidence.

Here we are, man.

Here we are.

Where's the cash?

If it was a snake,
it would bite you
right on your head.

That's hysterical.

It was a double-cross.

All right, Mama.
I'll take that.
Jumbo!

We'll never find them
in there.

Too much risk
for too little return.

It's fake.

Been running a long time.

You really talking
retirement, man?

No, I'm talking "retired."
Past tense.

Yeah? That's not
what we heard.

Jumbo says you been doing
a little moonlighting.

With Moralez.

Yeah, we heard that
you were doing
a little salvage operation...

out on Moralez's sportfisher
right after he got whacked.

I was stuck, man.
I was liable
for the investment.

It's understandable.
Old habits die hard.

Hey, Moralez d*ed hard.
That's what
I'm talking about here.

I mean, you get to be 30
and you start feeling mortal.

You been running
on luck so long...

you know it's just
a matter of time
before it craps out.

And you two guys
ain't anybody's
rabbit's foot, either.

Well, look, all we want
is an intro.

You to who?
Pirates.

Let's check out my baby.

Man, I got the righteous girl
and the righteous wings...

and I don't want to lose them.

I'm tired of losing things.

Hello, baby.

Losing things comes along
with the territory.

I want to leave
the territory, man.
Sure you do.

I'm the habit,
you're the cure.
Talk to me, man.

Somebody's been
plundering pleasure boats
up and down the Gold Coast.

We want to meet them.
Why do you think
I can find them?

Well, you travel
in the same circles,
don't you?

We'll make a donation
to the Jackson Crane Fund.

$5,000, man.

What's the play?
Firearms.

Four cases of MAC-10's,
minus the serials.

Going in or coming out?

Direct from
the Army supply warehouse
in North Lauderdale...

to the hands of our
needy Latin brothers,
south of the equator.

We want the pirates
to supply us with
suitable ocean transport...

that we can deep six
once we make the delivery.

Percentage or flat fee?
Flat fee.

We pay for the boat,
end of the deal.
Not for the pirates, for me.

200_, cash on delivery.

I thought this
guy was retired.

Well, maybe now it's my hobby.

150_.

50_ on delivery.
100_ after we make
the deal for the arms.

Well, back in
the saddle again.

Jackson, I couldn't find you.

Hey.

Business, babe.
Rico, Sonny, this is Lani.

Look, honey,
I got to take care
of something, all right?

But you promised to take me
to the Arc Light tonight.

Well, Rico and Sonny
will fill the bill
till I get back.

It's not the same.

Hey, you guys are gonna
love the Arc Light.

Well, we going?

Jackson's
the coolest boyfriend
I've ever had.

Daddy hates him.

But that's because
the most interesting thing
that Daddy's ever done...

is throw his golf bag
into a water hazard...

after five-putting
the fourteenth hole.

Jackson's an adventurer.

He said for our honeymoon...

he's gonna take me
to New Guinea
to see cannibals.

Lot of man-eaters
in here.

You and Jackson
are engaged?

Yeah. Two months
next Friday.

Damn.

Look, I know what
you're gonna say.

You're gonna say
that Jackson isn't
the settling kind, right?

Or that I don't know
what I'm getting
myself into?

But I know all about him.
I think it's very exciting,
what he's done.

I don't think there's
anything wrong with it.

Not exactly
the country-club type.

Did you meet him
before or after...

he led the expeditions
through Africa?

After. So, were you part
of the group that fought
with the Contras in Argentina?

Right.

God, I wish
I'd known him then.

But I was what...

seven?

Now, that would've
been very kinky.

You know what Jackson is?
He's a man of high adventure.

It's an Indiana Jones
kind of thing.

He's a dying breed.

He boldly goes
where no man has gone before.

It's true.

And as soon as I get
my trust fund, I'm gonna make
sure he keeps going there.

See, when I'm 22,
I inherit this fund.
This trust fund.

I don't know,
something like $13 million.

Jackson know
about this?
Sure. It doesn't bother him.

He said he'd marry me
even if it was
$50 million dollars.

Yeah, he's
a stand-up guy.

Come on, let's blow
this pop stand.

Gonna take
one bump, here.

Looking for Laura.
She around?

Laura?

Laura?

Hey.
Hey.

How you doing, babe?

So high.

What did you do?
You quit your job again?

Life....

Life is a bummer.

I don't need
the aggravation of living.

Bring the party, Jimmy?

Laura, I'm looking
for some dudes.

Remember those guys
your brother used to sell
poppers and rocks to?

Said they call themselves
the pirates?

Bring me anything?

Yeah.

I'm looking for
those dudes, Laura.

The pirates?
You know where
I can find them?

Lalo. Que pasa, man?

Don't "que pasa" me.
People are dying.

It seems everyone
you touch dies.

Hey, relax.
You set up
my brother's boat.

It wasn't me,
it was the pirates.

What'll we do
with him, Captain?

Send him airmail.

Hi, Jackson.

Long way from
the Biscayne Racquet Club,
Skip.

Got the word
you were looking for us.
What?

No, man, the guys
I'm looking for....

Are us. Let's take a meeting.

You know, you guys
must be record bored.

You were born
with all the money
you'll ever need.

Trust fund babies
just want to have fun.

Does Lani know?
She wouldn't understand.

Baby sisters
never understand.

You wasted Moralez.
You k*lled him.

It wasn't such a big deal.
It's m*rder.

Look, maybe we're just doing
somebody a favor.

These South American low-lives
come up here
with their dirty drug money...

and they breed like...

like cockroaches...

and they ruin the place
for real Americans
like you and me.

Maybe....

Maybe we just exterminate
them. Maybe we're just
like Sir Francis Drake.

Maybe we're good pirates.

Buddy, you are sucking wind.

You know, I don't even think
you know why you do it.

Oh, no, we're not
so introspective
like some dudes I know.

Now, what about these
two guys that want
to buy a boat?

Forget it.

Try it again, Jackson.

Boomski. You're dead.

Hey, you guys got
a favorite TV soundtrack
you want to hear?

That's all music
is these days.

What about Gilbert
and Sullivan?

They had some groovy
little pirate tunes.

Jackson, why are we here?

What about calling
this whole thing off?

Don't tell me.
You're born-again.

Mueller's gonna
k*ll you guys.

Personally, I don't give
a damn. I just thought
you might be interested.

We appreciate the thought.
What I'm saying
is for real, man.

Look, these guys
might have started out
joyriding boats...

but they crossed the line
and they kept on going.

They wouldn't know
how to stop,
even if they wanted to.

They're gonna run
right over you.

Think about
the money, man.

Give him the check.

Jackson.
Earth to Jackson.

I'll be right with you.

Come on. We're on
a tight schedule.

So where are
these pirates?

Flying in right now.

Cute.

Not a peg leg among them.

Maybe they're
working up to that.

Aargh, me mateys.
Gentlemen...

Mr. Cooper,
Mr. Burnett.

Any friend of Jackson's
is a friend of mine.

Pleasure.

That's the '80s
version of
shaking hands.

Shut up,
Jackson.

They're clean, Captain.
No wires, no hardware.

That's a nice start.

So...

I hear you gentlemen are
interested in a little high
seas transportation.

More commonly known as a boat.

You get us one,
we get you $60,000.

Fast boat? Untraceable?

Sinkable?
You got the picture.
Yes or no?

I want $60,000 up front.

Yeah, and Qaddafi wants Reagan
to visit him in his tent.

You get the $60,000
when we shove off, butch.

Are these guys okay?

Hey, I just made the intros.
I'm out of it.

Sounds like a big no to me.

Stotto!

I trust them.

That's a little better.

Okay, here's the plan.

Day after tomorrow,
you meet Jackson here
with the g*ns and the $60,000.

He'll fly you to us
and the boat.

We'll send you a check.

That's funny. Very funny.

Jackson is still in the middle
with the $60,000.

End of discussion.

Leave.

Wave goodbye
to your friends, Jackson.

Bye-bye.

Adios, Jackson.
Have a nice day.

Thank you, Carlos.

Cooper and Burnett.
I don't believe
these guys.

I mean,
they won't take no
for an answer.

I can't decide.
Which one of them do you like?

I mean, these guys,
they actually go out of
their way looking for trouble.

What guys?

Cooper and Burnett.

You're not paying
attention, Jackie.

Come on. Is this
dress cute, or what?

More like what.

The wedding's in six weeks.

I got to find
a dress yesterday.

You've been acting
kind of weird lately.

You've got something
weird going with
Cooper and Burnett.

They wanted me to hook them up
with some pretty bad dudes.

You did?

You're worried about it?

It's a good chance that
Cooper and Burnett
are gonna get wasted.

You know what I think?
What, babe?

I think Cooper and Burnett
are big boys. They can
take care of themselves.

I think it's trouble.

Well, Daddy says,
"People get
what they deserve."

So maybe Cooper and Burnett
deserve trouble.

Maybe you deserve me.

I don't like it.
Once you get on that plane
your backup ends.

We don't have a choice.
It's the only way
the deal can go down.

Switek, Zito, back them up
at the airport. That's it.

That's a good idea.
Pirates aren't known
for sticking to their plans.

They might jump you
right there.

What about this Jackson?
How reliable is this guy?

Jackson was born
with an extra larceny
chromosome.

He'll hold up his end.

Checked out Mueller.

He was halfway to
a graduate degree
in business administration...

before he dropped out.

Punk can get his
diploma in jail.

Don't forget
your garbage.

What's happening?
I don't know.
It's hard to see.

He brought
the girl with him.

Girl with him? What for?
I don't know.

Listen to this, Lar.
"The symptom:

"APU shuts down
before reaching
governed speed.

"Probable cause:

"oil pressure below 10 Psi Gs."

What does that mean?
It's real hard to see.

She wanted to come along.
And I didn't want
to lie to her anymore.

God, this is
so radical.

Why don't you go
home, little girl?

We'll take pictures.

I also wanted her around
when I told you this.

I've been thinking this
whole thing through.

And I just made a decision.
I'm checking out.

Wheels are in motion, pal.
Yeah, well, I'm putting
on the brakes. Hey...

maybe you two jokers are
dumb enough to walk
into an ambush, but I'm not.

I'll see you later, boys.

This wouldn't be a play
for a bigger share?

You guys don't get it, do you?
School is out, man.

It's time to grow up.
I mean, I'm gonna have a wife.

I'm gonna maybe have kids.

If I keep doing this,
there's two ways I end up:
dead or dying.

I got somebody else
to think about now.

You gotta play it out, man.
Damn straight.

How about getting
their g*ns, honey?

What?
Get their g*ns.

My brother told me
you'd flake out.

Lani, what are you doing?
I'm taking up the slack.

Get in the plane.

Boy, do I feel dumb.

Lani....
Get in the plane.

"Correct fuel supply
line problem."

I think I could be a pilot.
What do you think?

They're getting
in the plane.
They're getting in the plane?

Now what?
Throw away the g*ns.

What for?
We don't need them anymore.

Let's go. Let's go.

Something's going
down wrong.

This is your Captain speaking.
It's Hook. Listen up.

You want to know a secret?
Promise not to tell?

I'm scared of air travel.
I'm gonna pilot this flight
from a safe place.

Sea level, babies.

Hold it right there.

What did you bring them
all the way out here for?

You should have smoked them
at the airport.

You're the one
who's so hot
to k*ll them.

Hey, Captain, if you're
looking for a volunteer....

You're making
a big mistake, pal.
You made the mistake.

Get her away
from me.

Thanks, Jackson.
Get out of here. Out!

Trust fund babies.

You're cops,
aren't you?

I've aided
and abetted cops.

I saved their lives.
Oh, man.

There's my rep.

No law against that, pal.

You're cops.

You said you wanted
to get out of the biz.
We can help you now.

Wipe your slate
so clean it'll shine. ;)

New name, new history,
new place.

This ain't been my day.

What.... You're serious?

New name, new identity,
new life? Anything I want?

Whatever you want.

I'll.... I have to get
back to you.

Ahoy, mateys,
it's Captain Hook.

That's right, Captain Hook...

the buried treasure
you been looking for.

I'm the man in the poop deck
f*ring broadsides and
flipsides and bootleg B-flat.

I'll bet you're lying
around the pool...

soaking up that gorgeous
Southern Florida sunshine.

Makes you glad
just to be alive,
doesn't it, babies?

#RANDY NEWMAN'S MIAMI#