02x02 - The Horsetronaut

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ Got a date a little later ♪

♪ When the moon
is on the trail ♪

♪ With the cutest
triple gaiter ♪

♪ My pretty little filly
with the ponytail ♪

♪ Got a bag of
oats to call with ♪

♪ Hay ♪

♪ I bring her by the bale ♪

♪ Want to share a
double stall with ♪

♪ A pretty little filly
with a ponytail ♪

Hey, Wilbur, how
about giving me a carrot?

You've had enough carrots
to eat. Finish your hay.

But carrots are
good for my eyes.

Yes, Ed, I know.

You want to have a
near-sighted horse?

Ed, finish your hay, and
then you can have a carrot.

Okay.

Hey, Ed, listen to this.

"m*ssile scientist to send
horse on space flight."

You're kidding.

"Major Dinehart, in
charge of the project,

"plans to send a horse
up in a new m*ssile,

similar in design to the
one used by the astronauts."

Well, what do you know?

That's what makes
this a great country...

Sending a man up first to
see if it's safe for a horse.

"Major Dinehart
explains the reason

"for using a horse
in the experiment

"is that the average horse

is equal to the
weight of five men."

Yep. We're heavier and smarter.

Just think, Ed,

the horse that makes
that first space flight

will be the most
famous horse in history.

Wilbur, where do I go to enlist?

You?

What's so funny?

You're too lazy to even
walk out of this barn.

All you think about is
carrots, carrots, carrots.

Oh, I can break the
habit any time I want.

Oh, I can believe that.

I wouldn't eat a carrot

if you waved it in front
of my nose right now.

Right now?

Yeah.

You tricked me.

I told you horses are
smarter than people.

I tell you, Carol, this is a wonderful
opportunity for Wilbur and me.

It sounds so exciting.

Sweetie, if this
deal goes through,

he and Wilbur stand to
make a barrel of money.

Well, roll out the barrel.

What's going on here?

Wilbur, do you know

that property I own on
Lancaster Boulevard?

Yeah, what about it?

A very big builder,
Harold Mencken,

has agreed to put up
a shopping center on it,

if I can find an architect
with imagination

to come up with some new
ideas that will interest him.

A shopping center, huh?

The biggest. A
really colossal one.

My doll is building a little
playground for Mother.

Carol, do you hear
that? A shopping center.

Isn't it wonderful, Wilbur?

You've always wanted to
express yourself artistically.

How much time do you think you'll
need to come up with some ideas?

Oh, I figure a few
days for research,

few more days for
preliminary sketches,

and a final draft in
a couple of weeks.

No good. By that time, Mencken
may lose interest in the project.

What's the soonest you
could have some plans ready?

How about half an hour?

Now you're talking.

I once had an idea
for a shopping center

where each store
represented a different country.

What did you have in mind?

I was thinking about an
English haberdashery,

a Swedish massage parlor,

- a German bakery...
- Honey.

Aren't you going to have
any American stores?

Sure, two.

Chop suey joint
and a pizza parlor.

You crazy thing.

[both hum]

All finished. Ed, here's my
sketch for the new shopping center,

with every service
you could think of.

Except one.

What's that?

A horse wash.

Ed, I got news for you.

When people go
shopping these days,

they go in their car.

- I know.
- Horses are a thing
of the past.

Well, once they send
that first horse into space,

we'll come back
stronger than ever.

You've been talking
about this for days,

but I don't see you
volunteering for the trip.

Well, I may look
like a dumb animal,

but I'm not stupid.

Tell the truth, Ed.
You're chicken.

Right down to my pinfeathers.

How can a horse be a chicken?

Wilbur, this is Mr. Mencken.

Oh, hello Mr. Mencken. I've been
looking forward to meeting you, sir.

How do you do?

I just finished the, uh, rough
sketch for our shopping center.

If you'll excuse
me, Mr. Mencken,

I know you two
have a lot to discuss.

Could you get lunch, hon, yeah?

Mr. Post, is this
where you work?

Yes, yes. I find this
very comfortable.

Don't you find the
horse a little disturbing?

Ed? Oh, no. No.

As a matter of fact, we've
been together so long,

I'm thinking of making
him a junior partner.

Well, I think first we should
go over the sketch step by step.

Look, would you mind
closing that stall door?

I'm allergic to hay.

Certainly.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Addison
explained to you

that I'm designing
this shopping center

with an international flavor.

In approaching the arcade, you
drive through this Roman arch.

Mr. Post, do you always
sharpen your carrots?

My junior partner.

Yes, now this area in
the center over here...

This is a parking
lot with a gas station.

Alongside that, we
have the horse wash.

This is the entrance
that you go through

to get to the shopping arcade.

Horse wash?

Oh, car wash.

The arcade itself consists
of a German bakery,

English haberdashery...

A Parisian beauty salon, a
Swedish massage parlor...

Honey, did Mr. Mencken
call when I was out?

Not yet, dear.

Stop worrying so much.

I can't help it.

Yesterday, when he
took my sketches with him,

he didn't seem too enthusiastic.

Oh, I just know
he'll love your ideas.

How do you know?

Because I like them.

Does that make
you feel any better?

It would, if you
were Mr. Mencken.

Do you still wish I
were Mr. Mencken?

Until those contracts
are signed, yes.

You're just a sweet,
crazy, mixed-up architect.

Add the word stupid,
and you've got it.

I just had lunch with Mencken.

I don't think you made a
very favorable impression.

- I didn't?
- I'm afraid not.

He stuck me with the check.

He didn't like
Wilbur's sketches?

Oh, he thought
they were interesting,

but he has a complete
lack of faith in the architect.

Roger, that doesn't make sense.

Mencken said any man who
shares his office with a horse

and sharpens carrots
must be some kind of kook.

Well, didn't you say
anything in my defense?

No. It's hard to
argue with a man

when you agree with him.

So the deal is off?

Not entirely. I
convinced Mencken

that Wilbur was only
using the barn temporarily,

until they got through redecorating
his regular office downtown.

- But Roger, that's a lie.
- The biggest.

But to close this deal,

I will lie, beg,
borrow or steal.

And if you don't come up
with an office by tomorrow,

you can add m*rder to that list.

I've worked back there so long,

I'd feel lost anywhere else.

And why should Mencken
care where I work,

as long as my work is good?

Honey, maybe Roger is right.

I mean, let's face it,

a barn doesn't make a
very impressive office.

But I like working at home,

where I have companionship.

Someone who cares.

Someone who
gives me inspiration.

Someone who loves
me for what I am,

not just for the oats and
hay he can get out of me.

I think maybe you ought
to get that office downtown.

Hey, what are you doing?

Uh-oh.

What is going on here?

Well, people pitch horseshoes.

Pitch your own shoes.
I just polished these.

Sorry, Wilbur.

I was just k*lling time

till you got here
for our chess game.

Oh. Well, maybe
a little later, Ed.

I've got a lot of things
on my mind right now.

Okay.

Ed, don't you sometimes feel

a little cramped in here?

Cramped?

Well, what I mean is, Ed,

this is your barn, and I feel
that I sort of moved in on you.

If it'll make you feel
any better, pay me rent.

No, Ed.

You know, when I
work here late at night,

I feel sometimes that the noise
I make might be keeping you up.

No, I never go to sleep until
The Late Late Show is over.

Ed, what would you say if
I took an office downtown?

Wilbur, I just made a...

Will you please put that
animal back in his stall?

He's caused enough
trouble around here.

All right. Come on,
Ed. Back in the stall.

We'd have had the
contract signed long ago

if it wasn't for
this silly horse.

I'm sorry, Rog.

That was an accident.

I'm not so sure.

But anyway, I made a phone call.

I got you a beautiful office

in the new Brill
building downtown.

Well, Rog, I haven't
made up my mind yet.

Believe me, you have no choice.

We've got a great deal at stake.

It may not be too late
to win Mencken over.

And besides, this project
can put you right up there

among the leading
architects of the country.

Well, I need time.

Time? You've got 15
minutes to make up your mind,

whether you want to be
an architect or a stable boy.

Gee.

Don't feel too bad, Ed.

He didn't mean what he said.

He's right. Maybe you ought
to take that office downtown.

- Don't say that.
- Well, it's true.

There's a time when one has
to stand on his own four feet.

Come on now, Ed.

I can get my work
done without you.

I mean, if I had to.

Then prove it.

Tell old vinegar-puss
you'll take that office.

Okay.

I'll miss you, Ed.

Please, Wilbur,
let's not get sloppy.

Just go, and don't look back.

[sniffles]

Don't look.

[sniffles]

You always hurt
the one you love.

"And I would appreciate
receiving your estimate

"for the lumber on
the Mencken project

"at your earliest
possible convenience."

You got that, Miss Culbertson?

Yes, Mr. Post.

Mr. Post.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry,
Miss Culbertson.

There was a fly on your nose.

Well, where were we, Ed?

Uh, Miss Culbertson.

This letter to the Gray
Lumber Company.

Fine. Would you please
type it out? I'll send it.

Yes, sir.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Ed. I was hoping I'd
hear from you. You okay?

Yeah. I just wanted to find out
where you stashed the carrots.

Ed, I told you to stop eating
those carrots between meals.

Eat your hay.

But this last bale
of hay you got me

is not for horses.

It's for the birds.

Oh, stop complaining.

I buy your hay at the
best feed store in town.

Well, all right. If you
must have carrots,

they're above my
desk on the top shelf.

You can't reach them?

- [chomping]
- Well, I'll tell you
what you do.

Put a chair in your mouth

and put your chair
on top of the desk.

See?

Now, stand with your
hind feet on the floor

and your front feet on
the chair. You got it?

Are you kidding?

This is one horse that's
never going into space.

Look, Ed, I'll be home about...

Oh. Yes, Miss Culbertson?

I just wanted to remind you
about your 2:00 appointment

with Mr. Mencken
and Mr. Addison.

Thank you, Miss Culbertson.

Ed, I'll be home about 6:00.

Okay.

Honey, we did it.

Enter the conquering heroes.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm so happy.

Just think, your
international shopping center

will finally become a reality.

Honey, you're going
to have charge accounts

in five different languages.

Oh, this calls
for a celebration.

Everything on me. The
champagne will flow like water.

If you're paying,
it will be water.

Oh, no, no, no, my dear.

Tonight, I'm going all out.

We'll take in a show,
we'll have a great dinner,

we'll go to a nightclub.

Nothing's too good for Wilbur.

Tonight, my boy, you'll
be queen for a day.

We'd better hurry if I'm
going to be dressed in time.

Come, Diamond Jim.

You go ahead upstairs
and get dressed.

I'll go check on Ed.

All right, darling.

Congratulations, darling.

[hums]

♪ A little later ♪

♪ When the moon
is on the trail ♪

♪ With a cutie ♪

Hi, Ed. Good to see you, boy.

Good to see you, too.

I've got the chess
board all set up.

Oh, I can't play, Ed.

We just signed that
deal with Mencken,

and tonight we're
going out to celebrate.

But I didn't see you last
night or the night before.

I'm sorry, Ed, but now that I'm
spending all day long in the office,

Carol feels I should spend
my evenings with her.

Well, if you spend
the evenings with her,

when will I see you?

Sunday morning, we can still
take our little ride in the park.

Gee, Wilbur.

Sleep well, Ed.

In the morning, I'll check in
on you on my way to work.

[mocking] "Sleep
well. In the morning,

I'll check in on you
on my way to work."

But he doesn't need me anymore.

There's only one
thing left to do...

Volunteer.

Well, Mom always
said I was a dizzy kid.

Well, here I go.

Okay, guard, you
can go to lunch now.

Hey, Charlie, what are
you doing, putting me on?

- What?
- Come off of it.

Didn't you tell
me to go to lunch?

You're standing
in the sun too long.

Well, Major Dinehart is
waiting to process them.

Now, which one
should I take first?

Well, why don't you
ask for volunteers?

Oh, you're a funny man.

First candidate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hm.

Interesting-looking specimen.

Well, he seems strong enough,

but he doesn't look
overly intelligent.

[sneezes]

Hey, Major, Major,
did you see that?

What?

I sneezed, and he
took the handkerchief

right out of my pocket.

Purely coincidental.

He was attracted by the
color of your handkerchief.

Well, we've got
a long day ahead,

so we better get on
with the examination.

What did I do with
my stethoscope?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

How about that?

I think we'll skip the physical

and get right on with
the intelligence test.

He seems the right weight.

Major, is this the test?

Oh, yes.

Well, how does it work?

Well, the horse that we'll
be sending into space

will have to be
quite intelligent,

so this memory test will
help us select the right animal.

Oh, it's a memory test, huh?

Oh, yes. You see, each of
these boxes contains a carrot.

Now, one of these boxes
is charged with electricity.

If the horse has
intelligence enough,

after a few shocks,

he'll soon learn to
avoid the charged box.

Hey, that's pretty good,
Major. That's pretty good.

All right, bring him over.

Come on, horse. Come on.

Come on.

Whoa, whoa. All right, boy.

Here you are, some
nice, juicy carrots.

Help yourself.

Hello. Animal shelter?

This is Mr. Post again.

Has my horse turned up yet?

Please, it's been two days.

Well, if you should
have any news,

would you call me right away?

Yeah. Thank you very much.

Wilbur, I know
where Mister Ed is.

Where, where?

Now, promise me
you won't get excited.

I'm not excited. Where is he?

Honey, be calm. Now, sit down.

Look.

No. No.

Oh, no.

No.

Wilbur, where are you going?

To the Army m*ssile base.

I didn't raise my
horse to be a soldier.

Big deal.

Agent, Major, we're almost
ready for the blast-off.

Fine. Excellent.

Take him out and weigh him in.

Yes, sir.

All right, come on, boy.

A-Okay, horsetronaut.

Where do you think you're going?

My horse, they're sending
him into space. I got to stop him.

Sorry, buddy, but no one's allowed
in here without a security pass.

It's all a mistake.

You see, my horse
really doesn't want to go.

He feels that I don't
need him anymore.

I should have taken out more
time to play chess with him.

Attention, field crew.

Continuing countdown.

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[rocket blasts off]

Goodbye, Ed.

Sorry, Ed.

Never should have
taken that office.

I never should have left you.

Hello, Earth man.

Ed.

What happened? Why
aren't you up there?

At the last minute, they
picked another horse.

Another? Why?

At the weigh-in, I was 42
pounds too heavy for the capsule.

Ed, what luck.

Luck, nothing.

For the last two days,

I had to eat like
a horse to make it.

Welcome home.

Come on, your move.

[radio] We interrupt this program
for a special news bulletin.

Sparky, the first horsetronaut
to be sh*t into space,

has just been recovered at sea

and appears to be
in excellent condition.

More on this later.

Ed, how about that?

I'm glad one of my boys made it.

Tell the truth, Ed.

Aren't you sorry
now you didn't go?

Are you sorry you're
giving up your new office?

Ah, I'm glad.

Then I'm glad, too.

And if you miss your secretary,

I'll be glad to learn shorthand.

Your move.

Move!

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪