02x09 - Ed the Hero

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the
answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Can we stop a minute?

Oh, not again. What's
wrong now, Ed?

Will you see if there's
a lump on my back.

Funny, since you
got off, it disappeared.

Come on, you gold brick.

Wait, Wilbur.

Huh?

I think there's
a burr in my tail.

Now, we'll leave it
there for 30 days,

and if nobody
claims it, it's yours.

Come on. Quit stalling.

Wilbur, I'm tired.

"I'm tired." You're just lazy.

Now, look. Look at
that horse up there.

Why can't you be more like him?

Now, Betsy, ride him
around the bridle path,

and I'll wait for
you right here.

Now, be careful now.

I will, Mommy.

Now that's a
horse. He's not lazy.

Hm. I hate a show-off.

[loud bang]

Betsy!

Betsy! Somebody stop him!

He's running away
with that little girl.

We better save her.

Oh, please. It's my little girl.

My baby. Please do something.

It's all right, madam. My
horse has gone after him.

- Your horse?
- Yes.

Look, he's reaching him.

He's got him.

[whinnies]

Yes, oh.

Easy, boy.

What are you? Some
kind of a nut or something?

There's a kid on your back.
Are you trying to k*ll her?

[whinnies]

Aw, don't give me that bunk
about some noise scaring you.

Come on, chicken.

Come on.

My father was right.

My little girl needed
more riding lessons.

I don't know why...
Please, ma'am.

Your little girl's
all right now.

Look. Here they come.

Oh, Betsy.

Betsy, thank heavens
you're all right.

You weren't hurt, dear?

No, Mommy, I'm fine.

Oh, thank God.

Uh, I never saw
anything like this before.

Your horse saved
my child's life.

What can I do to thank you?

Oh, forget it.

Oh, no, no, please.

May I have your
name and address?

I know my father would want to
do something nice for your horse.

Oh, Ed doesn't want any reward.

Excuse me.

Uh, if you insist.

My name if Wilbur Post.

I live at 17230
Valley Spring Road.

I can't understand what
happened to Wilbur.

He should've been
back an hour ago.

My lunch will be ruined.

Hm. Addison's fit to be tied.

The boys had a golf
date this morning.

I know.

Maybe he got his
appointments mixed.

You mean he thinks he's
supposed to ride Addison

and play golf with the horse.

That wouldn't surprise me.

When he goes out with that
horse, anything can happen.

Where do you
suppose he could be?

Well, the way Wilbur
feels about that plug,

they could've stopped
off for a couple of beers.

You know, the way he lies

about Mister Ed's
accomplishments,

you'd think he was
his press agent.

Now, just a minute, Roger.

Wilbur may have his
faults, but he's not a liar.

[Wilbur] Carol.

Wait till I tell you
what happened.

Ed and I were on
the bridle path, see.

I just got off Ed when
suddenly a motorcycle backfired.

Another horse with
a little girl on his back

bolted and ran away
taking her with him, you see.

Ed, quick as a flash,
he ran after them.

He caught them. He picked
up the reins in his teeth,

and he brought them both
back. Isn't that wonderful?

I suppose you should stay
with him until he gets better.

Courage, dear.

You don't believe me.

Carol, you believe me.

Of course, dear.

What really happened?

It was a lie. I made
the whole thing up.

The reason I'm late is

because Ed and I stopped
off to have a couple of beers.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Hello?

The Valley Globe?

This is Mrs. Post.

What?

What?

His horse saved a child's life.

Wilbur.

You should all be
on your knees to me.

Hello?

This is Mr. Post,
owner of Mister Ed.

What?

Yes, yes, it's true.

How did you find
out about it so fast?

Well, the child's grandfather
happens to Henry J. Thorndyke.

He was at a local
press conference

when his daughter
called him with the news.

We'd like to follow
up with the story.

Do you mind if I send over
a photographer at 3:00?

Yes, 3:00 will be fine.

Don't mention it.

[clears throat]

The newspaper is sending
a photographer over here

to take pictures of Mister Ed.

Do you know who the little
girl's grandfather happens to be?

Henry J. Thorndyke.

Not Henry Thorndyke
the millionaire?

Why he owns half
of Catalina Island.

And he has an option
on the other half.

He may drop over himself
later in the afternoon.

Addison, you've been
wanting to meet him for years.

Yeah.

Anything that man
touches turns to gold.

Oh, Wilbur, if he'll cut us in on
one of his deals, we'll be made.

What a stroke of luck saving
Thorndyke's grandchild.

Oh, Ed is very democratic.

He saves them all,
the rich and the poor.

Okay, Mr. Post. I'm all set.

All right. Where... Where
do you want us to stand?

Well, let's see.

Um, oh, I think we ought
to get him over there

where the light's better.

Hey, did you see that? He
seemed to understand me.

Nah, he's just showing
off for the press.

All right. How's this?

Perfect.

Now hold it.

1, 2, 3.

Somebody who loves sugar

is going to get
his lumps tonight.

Could we take that
once more, please?

Sure. Right away.

Here we go.

1, 2, 3.

What happened now?

Oh, he's just being funny.

Nothing worse than a horse

making a jackass out of himself.

Well, I got the horse anyway.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

That was dirty pool, Ed.

Dirty pool.

Why didn't you want
me in the picture?

I didn't want to confuse
any hero worshipers.

All right, big sh*t.

Let's go back to your stall.

[Carol] Wilbur?

Honey, this is Mr. Thorndyke,
the little girl's grandfather.

How do you do?
It's nice to see you.

I guess I don't have
to tell you how I feel.

I'm crazy about that little
granddaughter of mine.

I just had to come by
and thank you in person.

Well, I'm glad I just
happened to be there.

Oh, I mean, I'm glad my horse
and I just happened to be there.

Well, so this is the fellow
that saved my Betsy.

You know, I
can't believe it yet.

My daughter tells me

that this horse actually
followed Betsy's horse

and brought it him back
with the reins in his teeth.

Well, that's...
that's the truth.

Mister Ed has always been
very fond of little children.

Wilbur...

Oh, I'm sorry. I
beg your pardon.

I didn't know you had company.
I'll see you later, Wilbur.

- Please... Please stay, Rog.
- All right.

Yeah, uh, Mr. Thorndyke,

I'd like you to meet my
neighbor Roger Addison.

How do you do, sir?

Mr. Thorndyke, how are
you? I'm happy to meet you.

Roger, what are you
doing with those apples?

Oh, these?

They're for this
wonderful horse of yours.

I'm very fond of this animal,

and I think he kind
of likes me, too.

Here you are, boy.

Ed.

He's not hungry, Rog.

He's already had a dozen apples.

That ain't hay.

[chuckles]

What a wonderful animal.

You two must be
very proud of him.

Oh, yes.

Mister Ed and my
husband are inseparable.

Mr. Thorndyke, I read
in the paper last week

about your forming a syndicate

for a land development
project in Arizona.

That's right.

Uh, how old is Mister Ed?

He'll be, um, eight next month.

And you wouldn't think
it by looking at him.

He has one of those baby faces.

Now, uh, I happened to
have saved some money.

You're very wise.

Uh, there is a special reason

for my coming
here today, Mr. Post.

I want you and your wife

to spend the weekend
with me at Catalina.

Our city is celebrating
its anniversary.

We're having a big parade
with floats and music,

and you'll have
the time of your life.

What do you say?

Oh, wonderful.

Well, we'd love to
come, Mr. Thorndyke,

but we're having a theater
date with the Addisons.

Oh, Wilbur, forget about
us. Inconsequential.

Don't worry about us at all.
Go ahead. Enjoy yourself.

We'll find something else to do.

Well, now why don't you
and Mrs. Addison join us?

We've plenty of room.

Oh, Mr. Thorndyke,
really, thank you very much,

but no, no, no, I
wouldn't impose.

I insist.

All right, I accept.

Good, good. Now
there is one thing more.

I am Grand Marshall
of the parade,

and I would like this hero

to lead it with my
granddaughter.

I tell you, when this
breaks in the newspaper

there'll be hundreds of children

just itching to cheer this...
This wonderful animal.

Mm. I can just see Mister
Ed signing autographs.

Then it's all settled.

I'll have my yacht in
San Pedro on Saturday

and send my chauffeur
around to pick you up.

How about a nice, cool
drink, Mr. Thorndyke?

Good, I'd like that.

I'll join you as soon
as we put away Ed.

Uh, I've always been interested

in land development,
Mr. Thorndyke,

and I have some
ideas on the subject

that you might find interesting.

I believe in investing
in land development.

Well, Ed, this Saturday morning,

you'll be sailing on your way

to a hero's welcome
on Catalina Island.

I am not going.

Huh? Why not?

I am not getting on any boat.

I'm afraid of water.

I can't believe that you're
afraid to get on a boat.

You're a hero.

Only on dry land.

If they build a bridge
to Catalina Island, I'll go.

Everybody travels on the water.

Nothing can possibly
go wrong on a boat.

Then why do they
carry life preservers?

It's just in case.

I'm staying right here.

You never heard of
a barn going down.

Ed, that's a ridiculous phobia.

They have all sorts of
modern precautions on boats.

When something goes wrong,

they always yell
"Women and children first!"

Then if there's room
left, the men go.

Oh, come on.

The captain and the
horses go down with the ship.

Ed, let me show you
how ridiculous phobias are.

When I was a little boy,

I was afraid of riding bicycles.

The little boy next
door had a red bicycle,

so one Sund...

Ed, I'm going to show you
how safe a boat really is

and how ridiculous
your phobia is.

Now, I'm going to make a
boat out of this piece of paper.

I'll demonstrate by
the law of physics

just what keeps a
boat afloat in water.

Well, well, well.

See?

A boat.

Excuse me, Ed.

Here, Ed.

Now watch carefully.

You see, the whole...
Yes, it's water.

The whole principle is
that the boat displaces

its own weight in the water
so it can't possibly sink.

Watch this.

This little boy
who lived next door

had a red bicycle, you see?

So one Sunday morning, when
nobody was looking, I went over there.

They didn't know that I was
afraid to ride bicycles and...

Ed, I just figured out
why that little boat sank.

You see, it was
made of porous paper.

Now, real boats are
not made of paper.

They are made of iron.

Would you like to drop a
piece of iron in that water?

No.

Remember, I'm wearing
horseshoes, not sneakers.

But the fact still remains

that very few boats
actually go down.

What's this book you're reading?

Shipwrecks of the Pacific Coast.

Take my advice...
Stay home, too.

Ed, there is just one way
to lick your fear of the water.

No, Wilbur!

I don't want to go on the boat!

I'm too young to die!

Wilbur, no.

Please.

Please, Wilbur.

Oh, no, Wilbur, no.

Take it easy, Wilbur.

Please, let's not rush this.

No, Wilbur.

Ed, will you stop
being ridiculous?

Look, I rented that
boat to prove a point.

The least you can do is try it.

How much water is
under that boat, Wilbur?

Oh, about 12 feet.

And how tall am I?

6 feet.

Help! Horse overboard!

Ed, will you stop
being so hysterical?

You want those thousands
of children to see you crying?

Well, crying beats drowning.

Look, Ed, come on down
and look at the ocean.

See how calm
and beautiful it is.

Come on.

Hey, easy, Wilbur. Easy.

Slow, now.

Easy.

Easy now. Don't tip the pier.

Wh-Wh-What's that?

Help!

Shark! Horse-eating shark!

Ed.

Oh, stop that, Ed.

Those are just little baby fish.

Yeah, but his father
might be around.

Ed, I'm going to make
you get on that boat.

Wait, Wilbur.

- We're pals, aren't we?
- Yeah.

And you wouldn't make me
do anything you wouldn't do?

That's right.

Then you'll get
on the boat first.

All right, I will.

All right.

See how safe it is?

Okay, now walk
around the other side.

All right.

Ed. Ed, we're drifting!

Do something.

I am.

I'm going home.

Ed, this is a dirty trick!

Just for that, you're going
on Saturday, you hear me?

You're going to
Catalina on Saturday!

[horn toots]

Well, I'm ready, dear.

Rog, that's quite an outfit.

Pretty impressive, hey?

Yeah, but shouldn't you

be wearing the
whistle to call taxis?

Oh, Wilbur, stop it.

I think Roger looks
positively handsome.

He looks like a little doll.

Don't you listen to
Wilbur, sweetheart.

If there's a whistle
coming with that outfit,

Mother will get it for you.

[chuckles]

Well, Thorndyke's chauffeur

should be dropping by any
minute now to pick us up.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Ooh, I'm really starting
to get excited now.

Ah, me too. You
know, I have a feeling

this is going to be the most
unforgettable weekend of my life.

- You know why?
- Because it's free.

My dear, if Thorndyke
takes me into a syndicate,

we'll both be wearing mink.

Oh, honey, shouldn't
you get Mister Ed ready?

Oh, yes. Yeah.

Rog, would you care to
give me a hand with Ed?

With pleasure. Anytime
I can do something

for that wonderful
animal, count on me.

Oh, boy.

But to think just a
couple of days ago

Roger couldn't stand Mister Ed.

Hm, that's one thing you
can count on with my husband.

Give him something for nothing

and you touch that
soft spot in his wallet.

Oh, Kay.

Well, now that the
fashion show is over,

I think I better go
get the suitcases.

Okay, see you in a minute.

Okay.

Ed, we're ready to go.

What's wrong, Wilbur? We
can't keep that boat waiting.

He's just acting stubborn.

Come on, Rog, push.

I am pushing.

What's the matter with him?

We'll never get to
Catalina at this rate.

Roger, you should never
mention the word Catalina.

Wilbur, I... I don't understand.

You know how important
this trip is to me...

To us.

If we get to Catalina
without this horse,

Thorndyke isn't going
to be very friendly.

Now, please, do
something, will you?

Ed, I'm ashamed of you.

When Noah was putting
all those animals in the ark,

where do you
think you'd be today

if one of the horses
refused to go?

Not on that boat to
Catalina, I'll tell you that.

Wilbur, I can't understand

why Mister Ed
is acting this wa...

He isn't sick, is he?

No, he's just spoiled.

There must be some way
of getting him on that boat.

Maybe if I sneaked a few
sleeping pills into his feed...

Nah, how are we going to carry
a sleeping horse out of the barn?

Oh, honey, look at the time.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it, dear.

I think I've got our
problem solved.

Come with me.

Roger.

Where did you get the horse?

I rented him from
the Briar Cliff Stables.

He looks just like
Mister Ed, doesn't he?

Well, his, uh, hair
is a little longer.

We'll give him a crew cut.

Thorndyke will never
know the difference.

Ed has a longer tail.

So he got his tail
caught in a lawn mower.

Anything else?

Well... Ed's nose
is a little shorter.

Hey, if you think

I'm going to pay for a nose
job for this nag, you're crazy.

Now wait a minute,
Rog. Let's be sensible.

We can't go fooling
Thorndyke with another horse.

Well, that's dishonest.

You're darn right it is.

It's low, underhanded,
crooked, and get Carol ready.

We're leaving in five minutes.

Look, Ed...

- Hi, Mr. Post.
- Hello, Joey.

- Here's your paper.
- Thank you, Joey.

Hi, Mister Ed.

Huh?

Gee, I saw his picture
in today's paper.

Did he really
save that little girl?

Oh, well, actually this horse...

Actually, this horse is one of the
bravest animals that you will ever see.

Brave? [chuckles]

If his ears were any
bigger, he'd be a rabbit.

I'll bet he isn't
afraid of anything.

No, he's not, Joey.

A true hero is
afraid of nothing.

Why, to save a human life,

this animal would go
through fire and water.

Ha, he wouldn't go through
a lawn sprinkler on a hot day.

You mean, if I was
drowning, he would save me?

Oh, sure.

Not only save you, he'd
give you artificial respiration.

That faker would pass
out if a moth att*cked him.

Mr. Post, is he really
going to be the star

of that big parade in Catalina?

Oh, yes.

Will they give him a medal?

Ooh, sure. I
wouldn't be surprised

if they got a French horse
to kiss him on both cheeks.

[chuckles]

Good luck, Mister Ed.

Bye, Mr. Post.

Bye, Joey.

Well, Mister Ed,
after I brush you down,

I'll put you into your trailer.

Just one cotton-picking minute.

Just a moment.

You'll never brush the
yellow streak off his spine.

Hi.

Stop calling that
seedy plug Mister Ed.

Well...

Steal my feedbag
but not my good name.

Oh, Ed, those kids in Catalina
are expecting to see a hero,

and I'm not going
to disappoint them.

But that's cheating, Wilbur.

Old lard belly here
didn't save that kid.

Now, Ed. Come on.

Wilbur, no one will
believe he's Mister Ed.

Oh, I wouldn't be
too sure about that.

I would, and you know why?

Why?

Because his name is Gertrude.

Very funny. Come on, boy.

Well, wait, Wilbur.

I'll go.

Ed, are you sure about that?

You know, it means
getting on that boat.

Well, if we go down, we'll
go down together, buddy boy.

Oh, I'm glad you're coming, Ed.

You can't lie to kids, Wilbur.

They're coming to see a
hero, not a phony pony.

[chuckles]

Ed, you've got to admit
that was a perfect weekend.

Yeah, it was a gasser.

Ed, I was really proud of you,

you know, the way you marched
to the head of that parade

with your head high
and your chest out,

prancing like a real hero.

Yeah, I guess I
did ham it up a little.

Mostly, Ed, I was proud of the way
you overcame your fear of the water.

Wilbur, let's go rent a
boat tomorrow, okay?

You really want to go, hey?

If you will, I'll do the rowing.

[laughs]

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪