02x16 - Horse Wash

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

I wonder where he can
be hiding the carrots.

No.

They got to be here somewhere.

Ed.

Uh-Oh.

Don't ever do that, Wilbur.

My little heart is pounding
like a bongo drum.

When I get through with you,

your head will pound
like a bongo drum.

Just look at this mess.

Holler, but don't hit.

And what were you
doing at my file cabinet?

I was looking
under C for carrot.

Between meals?

I thought you were on a diet.

I am, that's why I'm hungry.

Ed, Ed.

Why did you go
on this diet anyway?

Well, you know that
cute little Spanish filly

we've been meeting
in the park Sundays?

Chiquita?

She digs horses.

You old son of a g*ns.
You're in love again, huh?

Yeah, one smile from Chiquita,

and even my tail
gets goose pimples.

You sure go for these
foreign fillies, don't you?

Let's see, before Chiquita,

it was a little French
filly... Suzette.

And before Suzette,

that little dark Italian
filly... Francesca.

[chuckles] Yeah.

I'm just a gay
international playboy.

Ed, just look at this pigsty.

When I got up this
morning, my mouth was dry,

and I just had to have a carrot.

Why didn't you eat some hay?

If your mouth was
dry, would you eat hay?

Never mind. Look Ed,

I don't mind you trying
to lose a few pounds,

but I will not stand for
messing up this place.

You're just too darn sloppy.

No, I will not jump in the lake.

Huh? How did you
know I said that?

I can read lips.

I don't believe it.

All right, then try me.

No, I will not tell you
where I hid the carrots.

Okay, so you can read lips.

And look, you're not going
to get any more carrots

until you clean this place up.

Now get going.

You're awful mean
to me these days.

Just you get in
there and clean it up.

From sunup to sundown, a
horse's work is never done.

Get your work done. Clean it up.

Wilbur, I just got
a wire from Daddy,

and he's driving in
tonight. Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, joy.

Now, honey, I know you
think Daddy doesn't like you,

but deep down he does.

Then why did he lock me in the cloak
room just before the wedding ceremony?

Now, Wilbur, you
know that isn't true.

You were the only bride

who had to show a claim
check to get a groom.

Look, let's face it.

Your father never forgave me

for stealing you
away from that doctor.

But, Wilbur, you know I
never really loved Henry.

That didn't bother your father.

He didn't want a son-in-law.

He just wanted a
cheap medical plan.

How long will he be staying?

He didn't say.

He's coming out on some
sort of real estate deal.

Honey, promise me
you'll be nice to Daddy

for my sake.

Oh, of course.

After all, he gave me you.

Gave? You know at the wedding,

I had the feeling your father
wasn't giving you away.

He was just sort
of leasing you out.

Oh, honey, thanks.

Wilbur!

Um, hi, Dad, welcome...
Welcome to the...

Oh, hello, Carol. What is it?

Oh, honey, you
messed up the couch,

and I want everything
to look neat for Daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, Wilbur, shine your
shoes and put on a tie.

Is Dad coming here for a
visit or a barracks inspection?

But, darling, I want him to see
what a beautiful home we have

and how well you're doing.

Why don't you wear
your cashmere jacket?

- My new brown jacket?
- Mm-hmm.

- With the best
white silk shirt?
- Yes.

- And that tie you got me
for Christmas?
- Perfect.

Good luck, Charlie.

Oh, Wilbur, please.

I heard screaming. When
did your father get in?

We expect him any minute.

Oh, I better go check the roast.

Excuse me, Roger.

Oh, Rog, when does Kay
get back from Palm Springs?

As soon as my money runs out.

You know, I kind of miss
my nightly fights with her,

so I thought I'd drop by
here and catch one of yours.

Oh, we weren't fighting.

Carol is a little bit jittery
about her father getting here.

Yeah, from my understanding,
he wasn't too pleased

about getting you
for a son-in-law.

He would have preferred
somebody normal.

Oh, cut it out.

Don't let him upset you, Wilbur.

Try to understand her father.

After all, Carol is
his only daughter.

Oh, I'm her only husband.

Carol didn't to do
too badly, you know.

I mean, I make a
pretty good income,

I have a beautiful home
here. I'm intelligent, personable,

and, if I must say
so, quite charming.

Then why did her father
lock you up in the cloak room?

How did you hear about that?

Carol told Kay.

Wilbur, at the wedding ceremony,

did you really try to put
the ring on Carol's thumb?

Could have happened to anybody.

You know what tiny
fingers Carol has,

and I got the wrong size ring.

- Naturally.
- And it was dark in there.

After all, we had a
candlelight ceremony, you see?

And when I reached over
to put the ring on her finger...

Like I said, it was dark.

You're lucky you didn't
marry the best man.

Stop worrying about
your father-in-law, Wilbur.

Now, from what I understand,

he has nothing
personal against you.

Expect for one thing.

What's that?

He thinks you're a kook.

Do you think I'm a kook?

Well, Wilbur, let's face it.

Any man who has a beautiful wife

and yet spends all
his time with a horse

is hardly the type we pick
to head Mental Health Week.

There's nothing wrong with a
man spending time with his horse

Now, Carol, didn't
want me to tell you this

until it was certain,
but you're in

an excellent position
to land that architect job

on her father's
big real estate deal.

So for heaven's sake,
keep away from that old plug.

Look, I don't want
any favors from him.

I'm doing pretty
well, thank you.

If Carol thinks I'm
going to make a big fuss

about her father just
to land some job why...

[engine approaches]

That's him. That's him.

Where's my cashmere jacket?

Carol, where's my tie?

It's in the closet.

Carol, your father is
outside. Open the door.

[doorbell rings]

Wait.

Let me put on my jie and tacket.

I mean my tack and jiet.

Will you excuse me?

I break up at these
touching scenes.

[doorbell rings]

I can't keep him waiting
out there all night.

Here, let me.

Oh.

He hasn't changed a bit.

Hi.

Had a little accident.

Floor was just waxed.

Floor waxed? That's carpeting.

Slippery as the
dickens underneath.

Dad, it's so
wonderful to see you.

How are you, honey?

You sure everything
is all right?

Of course, everything's fine.

Mmm, you're looking
wonderful, Dad. How was the trip?

Come on and sit down
and tell me everything.

Yes, sit down, tell
us everything, Dad.

Well, there isn't much to tell.

How long can you stay with us?

Well, I won't be able
to stay very long, Carol.

You see, there's a real estate
syndicate here, Carmichael and Hogan.

And I may buy some land
from them for a housing project.

Housing? I used to
do all that kind of work.

You're looking beautiful, Carol.

California really agrees
with you doesn't it, honey?

Oh, we really love it here.

Tell me, how are Aunt
Alice and Aunt Gertrude?

I built a six-story office
building downtown last year.

Oh, they're fine.

And Uncle Joe, is he still
with that hardware company?

Oh, yes. They'll make
him vice president yet.

Yes, siree, they
say it's a showplace.

What's a regular showplace?

The alligator farm. It's
right in the middle of the city.

Would you care to go
down and see it on Sunday?

Why would I want to
go see an alligator farm?

I'm here to close
a real estate deal.

I don't know, I thought
you just might like alligators.

Dad, you must be starved.

Why don't you go
upstairs and wash up

while I put dinner on the table?

- Fine, honey.
- Here, right up the stairs.

Turn right, you'll
be in the cloak room.

The bathroom. The bathroom.

Oh, I waited years for this.

- For what?
- I'm gonna lock him
in the bathroom.

Wilbur.

That you, Ed?

That you, Ed?

Uh-Oh, here comes
another lecture on neatness.

Okay, where have you...

Oh, no. Ed, look at yourself.

Revolting, huh?

How could you get so dirty?

Well, you know I'm
trying to lose 40 pounds

so Chiquita will go for me.

Yes.

So I went to the
park to run it off.

What park?

Santa Anita.

I came in second.

Don't be funny.

Look, Ed, I don't mind you
trying lose a little weight,

but you're filthy.

I can't stand a sloppy horse.

How could you come
in looking like this?

I tried a Turkish bath,
but they wouldn't take me.

Oh, quiet. I'll clean
you off this time, Ed.

But next you walk in
here looking like that,

you're going to clean yourself.

If I where your size
you do what to me?

Huh?

Oh.

You forgot I can read lips, huh?

[chuckles]

Can you read tails?

Read tails?

[laughs]

Figure that one out.

Look, Ed, I told you,

you come in here once
more looking like that,

and as far as I'm concerned,
you'll stay that way.

Please, Wilbur, all
the world loves a lover.

And I'm a lover so love me.

Ah, you crazy horse.

[hums]

♪ When the moon is on the sail ♪

You're really stuck
on that Chiquita, huh?

Yeah, she sure makes a
horse want to settle down.

Have you picked out a
place for the honeymoon yet?

Nope, just a little
stall by a waterfall.

Then one day, the stork
may drop a 100-pound bundle.

Yeah.

Chiquita and me and
baby makes three.

You know, you're not
the marrying type, Ed?

You're more of a lone wolf.

You know, love
them and leave them?

[chuckles]

Matter of fact, I was like
that myself, you know?

You were, huh?

Oh, hello, Dad.
I was just, uh...

Talking to the horse.

Yeah... Uh, no.

To myself.

Not that I talk to myself,

but where have you
been all morning, Dad?

Uh, looking over that property.

Is this where you work?

Yes, yes, this my office.

Sit down. I'll show you
some of things I'm working on.

[sighs]

Right now I'm designing a...

Designing a medical
building, you see?

I laid out the parking
lot in a L shape

So all the approaches
are centralized.

I've got some other innovations.

And instead of using
steel posts as bracers.

I'm using an alloy.

And no carrots.

Carrots?

I mean I have no
carrots to give my horse.

If could let me know
what's on your mind

with regard to your project.

Well, I'm not too
sure myself, yet.

When the time comes.

Well, I have an
architect in New York.

Oh, what's his name?
Maybe I know him.

Oh, I don't think so.
He's one of the big ones.

Pretty good, huh?

I always pick the best.

My success has been
based on being able to pick

the right people
for the right job.

If there's one thing
I pride myself on,

it's my knowledge of character.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, yes, yes. It's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Mr. Carmichael.

I know that you're anxious

to get on with the purchase
of our property, Mr. Higgins,

so if you wish,

we can have our legal
staff rush the contracts

and we could submit it for
your approval by tomorrow.

Splendid, the sooner the better.

What time can you
drop by tomorrow?

4 will be fine.

That's 17230 Valley Spring.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Well, so far so good, huh?

Yep.

I think our little chicken

is just about
ready for plucking.

Hi, Ed.

Ed, are you in there?

Oh, no.

W-W-Wonderful day, isn't it?

Mmm, sun is shining.
Birds are on the wing.

Dew is on the grass.

And dirt is on the horse.

Oh, could you get so filthy?

I heard mud baths
were good for reducing.

Oh, you did, huh?

Wilbur, I got to lose 18
more pounds before Sunday.

Ed, do you remember
what I told you yesterday?

I forgot.

Wash me down while
you're reminding me.

I told you the next time
you came home dirty,

you could clean yourself up.

Clean myself? How?

I don't know.

Go to a car wash for all I care.

Ha ha ha! A car wash.

Ha ha! Wilbur, you're beautiful.

[laughs]

Why aren't you laughing?

I meant what I said, Ed.

You got yourself dirty.

Now you can figure out some way

of getting yourself clean.

Now, wait a minute, buddy boy.

I got a big date with
Chiquita Sunday.

I can't show up
looking like a slob.

There's only one chance
you have of getting clean.

What? I'll do anything. What?

Pray for rain.

You'll turn who in to the SPCA?

Uh, you and your lip reading.

And I'll break that
code someday, too.

Bah.

- Hello, Carol.
- Oh, hi, Roger.

- Where's Wilbur?
- He's out in the office
working.

Any chance of your father

letting him draw the
plans for that big project?

I don't know.

Every time I bring it up,

Daddy mumbles something
about Wilbur being eccentric.

He seems to think that anyone

who has an office in his
barn can't be too reliable.

Well, that shouldn't
make any difference.

After all, it's Wilbur who
designs the plans, not the horse.

Although sometimes I wonder.

Hmm?

It's a beautiful building.

I have the plans
just over at my office.

I can go and get them
if you be interested?

Oh, all right.

Be right back.

Daddy, what happened to Wilbur?

Oh, he was telling me about
some office building he designed,

and he went out to the barn...

Um, to his office
to get the plans.

Dad, now that we have
a few minutes together,

let me try to explain
something to you about Wilbur

Now I know you
think he's eccentric,

but just wait till
you get to know him.

Oh, boy. That's all I need.

I better sneak
over the back fence.

Now, why would Wilbur
skip lunch to go to a car wash

and want me to bring money?

You should have
married the doctor.

Now don't look at
me that way, Daddy.

That doctor is a
psychiatrist now,

and Wilbur could have
been his best patient.

Hey, Harry.

Do you see what I see?

It's a horse.

What's a horse doing here?

Who knows? Some nut
wants his horse washed,

we'll wash it.

Think we should?

We're not thinkers,
we're washers.

Yeah.

I'll take the front end, Harry.

Okay, I'll get the trunk.

Okay, Ed, come on
home. You got your laugh.

Hey, what's going on here?

What's it look like, Mr. Burke?

We're washing a horse.

What's this horse doing here?
What is this, a publicity gag?

I'm sorry, sir. My
horse ran away.

He ran a...

Uh, you fellas get back to work.

There's some more
cars coming in back there.

And as for you, mister...

Wait a minute. Hey, this could
be good for a lot of publicity.

What a picture for the papers?

Hold him here will you? I
want to go get my camera.

Ed, come on.

Wilbur?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm wiping Ed down.

Carol if you're sensible...

I've kept your room
back home for you

just the way you left it.

Come on.

Oh, but, Daddy.

Well, Ed, what more could
you possibly do to me?

[metal bongs]

Aah!

It's just a short
contract, Mr. Higgins.

You won't find any
technical difficulties.

I'm sure.

I'm an architect, you know,

and I do know
something about land,

so if there's anything in the
contract you'd like me to explain...

Please, we left the house
to get away from you.

I don't want you to think that
I'm rushing you, Mr. Higgins,

but we do have other
clients interested in this deal.

[phone rings]

Oh, that must be for
me. I hope you don't mind.

My partner was
supposed to call me

at 4:00 sharp on
some important matter.

- May I?
- Certainty.

Um, we have an
extension in the barn.

Help yourself.

- Oh, thank you.
- Sure thing.

[chuckles]

Sure thing.

[ring]

Bill?

Yeah, everything is
coming along just fine.

No he doesn't know anything

about re-routing the freeway.

No, he doesn't know about

the city putting a
garbage dump out there.

Stop worrying.

The way this deal is going,

I'll have everything
wrapped up in 10 minutes.

Sure is neatly typed, huh?

You know, I've read a lot
of contracts for my clients,

so if there's anything
technical in there

that you don't feel you
quite understand, why...

Oi, you don't like
alligators, huh?

Sorry about the
interruption, Mr. Higgins,

but that was another client
interested in the same deal.

But you got first call.

Eh, this contract looks fine.

Yes, looks like we got a deal.

May I use your pen, please?

Yes, sir.

Just a minute.

Don't you think you should
tell my father-in-law about

the new freeway being
diverted away from this property?

- Free...
- Freeway?

Well, I was wondering
how far you'd go

before you brought that up.

Well, actually I don't think

that rerouting the freeway
makes much difference.

But if it bothers you,
Mr. Higgins, perhaps we could

make some
adjustment in the price?

Mmm.

And while you're
adjusting the price,

what about the new dump the
city is putting next to this property?

Dump?

Well, actually that's a rumor.

The City Council
hasn't voted on it yet.

But like I say, Mr. Higgins,

perhaps an
adjustment in the price?

And how about some carrots?

Carrot?

Uh, he knows what I mean.

No, I don't.

I don't know anything
about any carrot situation.

Well, it's pretty
bad. Pretty bad.

Freeway. City Dump.

Trying to put something
over on me, eh?

No, Mr. Higgins.

It's lucky for me my
son-in-law checked on you.

Good day, Mr. Carmichael.

Good day, Mr. Carmichael!

Wilbur, I owe you an apology.

You're a pretty smart fellow.

Hey, where did you
get all that information?

Straight from the
horse's mouth, Dad.

Mmm.

Well, what's all that for?

For winning Daddy over.

You know what he told
me just before he left?

That I was a kook.

No, that he's
glad I married you.

That's one thing I
like about your father.

When he's wrong, he's
the first one to deny it.

Oh.

I call you when dinner is ready.

Okay.

Ed, you haven't
stopped eating all day.

What happened to your diet?

I thought you wanted to
lose 40 pounds for Chiquita.

I gave her up.

You did? How come?

It she wants a
long skinny horse,

let her get a giraffe.

You know, you're the kook.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪