01x05 - Brotherly Love

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Three Sons". Aired: September 29, 1960 - April 13, 1972.*
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Widower Steve Douglas raises a trio of boys.
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01x05 - Brotherly Love

Post by bunniefuu »

(theme song plays)

Yep, never fails.

Every morning,
my brilliant brother

grabs my books
and leaves me his.

See Robbie anywhere
in that mass of juveniles?

Hey, Mike, who's
looking for your brother?

Concentrate your gaze
on yon luscious creature.

Hey, how about that, man?

She's looking at you
and sending messages.

Uh, a little young,
but very cute.

Oh, hi, Robbie.

Oh, hi.

There is a gorgeous man.

That is a dream, a real dream.

I'd give anything
to know who he is.

That's Robbie Douglas.

You know him?

Sure, we're buddies.

I've known old
Robbie a long time.

What's so great about him?

He's beautiful.

Robbie Douglas.

Even his name is beautiful.

You've sure got a
weird idea of beauty.

Okay, why don't you keep
your books away from my stuff?

You left the house
before I did, bean brain!

Why don't you look
what books you're taking?

Hey, come on,
Mike, let's go, huh?

We're gonna be late
getting back to school.

What'd you do with
my homework papers?

Well, I put them between
two pieces of bread,

and I ate them for lunch.

Well, who folded them?

Hey, we'll see
you, okay, Robbie?

Come on. Yeah, Russ.

(school bell ringing)

Why don't you be real sweet

and introduce me to Robbie?

Okay.

We'll see you at
the library tonight.

Hey, that little blonde

is still flashing you the
green light. (engine sputtering)

Awful young,
though... Junior high.

You kidding?

She's gonna be going in
the tenth grade next year.

Hey, I know how
you can meet her.

Look, she's at the
library every night.

Oh, don't let me forget

to return those books tonight.

(engine sputtering)

Hey, uh, you might try the key.

(engine starts)

Me? Me?

She's the prettiest
girl in the whole school.

Yeah, she still
wants to meet you.

Maybe she's stupid or something.

Well, I got to go.

See you at the library tonight.

Yeah, Gordy, I'll be there.

Oh, boy, will I be there!

Maybe you better start over.

Three of those hairs
are going the wrong way.

Ha ha, I'm laughing.

Ha ha.

How about laughing your
way right down to the kitchen

and start wiping
the dinner dishes?

Okay, okay.

Those trash cans don't
haul themselves out

to the curb, either, you know?

How come I always
got to do everything?

I got to get to the library.

Where's old Mike,
and how about Chip?

I'll take care of "old Mike
and how about Chip,"

you just get down there.

(sniffs)

What have you got on?

It's lotion, after shaving.

After shaving what?

You smell like an
expl*si*n in a barbershop.

Now, come on, let's
get to the dishes.

Come on!

I'm coming!

Tramp, would you
mind transferring yourself

to some other part
of the house, hmm?

Why don't you ever mind me?

Chip, could you get this
pile of hay out of the kitchen?

CHIP: Here, Tramp! (barks)

Here, Tramp! (barks)

Here, Tramp! (barks)

Well, now, don't start a
conversation with him.

Just, uh, come and
get him, will you?

Sorry, boy.

Either there's a window
in that comic book,

or that boy has radar.

I'll swear, rounding
those kids up to work

is like cornering
a couple of eels.

Yeah, come on, Mike, Robbie!

Come on, Robbie, give
us a hand in the kitchen.

Grab a towel, Mike,
and start drying.

Well, Dad's using the towel.

Oh, we're rich... We
have two dish towels.

I'll use the other one.

Why can't Robbie dry the dishes?

I'll take the trash cans out.

I'm taking the cans out.

Who said so?

I said so.

I can't stand around
all night drying dishes.

I got to get to the library.

Oh, that's a fat reason.

I got to go to the library, too!

Now, here, start drying.

I'm not gonna!
You got the towel.

Robbie, I'm gonna belt you one.

Go on, just try
it. Now, listen...

I dare you... go on.

Will you fellas knock it off?

You're just about old enough now

to start settling your arguments

without whacking each other.

All right, we'll settle
it like gentlemen.

Well, now you're making sense.

I'll take the cans out!

MIKE: No, you don't!
Now, wait a minute!

(boys arguing) What's
the matter with those kids?

Oh, let them alone,

they're not gonna
hurt each other.

Well, you keep saying
that but they're loud.

It's all noise and no damage.

It's natural for
kids to fight a little.

(arguing continues)
Helps them let off steam.

But can't they let off steam

without braining each other?

What are we trying
to raise around here,

a couple of intelligent
human beings

or a pair of wildcats?
(arguing stops)

There, you see? It's
all over. (dog barking)

Yeah.

(loud clanging)

Oh, sure, it's all over.

Somebody just clobbered somebody

with a trash can lid.

Oh, I hate that
Mike! Boy, I hate him!

Now, Robbie, how many
times have I told you

you can't win by fighting?

Who's fighting?

We flipped the
lid and I still lost!

You sure Robbie's coming?

I talked to him.

He said he'd be here.

Maybe he went to
the wrong library.

There's no such thing
as "the wrong library."

The library's the library.

There he is.

Where?

Right there, in the windbreaker.

That's not Robbie.

It most certainly is.

That's the boy I
saw in front of school.

Well, you were looking
at the wrong guy. He's...

That's-that's
Robbie's big brother.

He's the one I want to meet.

Oh, boy.

You promised.

But I... but I can't.

Oh, yes, you can, come on.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Uh, hi, Mike.

Oh, hi, Gordy.

Ow!

Mike... Judy, uh, this is Mike.

I'm very happy
to know you, Mike.

Well, it was nice
meeting you, too.

Well, I got to go.

I'll see you all later.

I saw you in front
of school today.

I love your car.

Well, thank you.

I remember, you were with Gordy.

He's just a friend of my family.

Awfully nice, but
terribly young.

Here, let me carry
some of these for you.

Thank you.

I don't mind
walking home, really.

It's only about eight blocks.

Eight blocks?

Come on, I'll give you a lift.

You'll never make it.

You're very kind.

(bike horn honking)

(tires screeching)

Hey!

Oh, hi, Robbie.

Well, what do you
think you're doing?

Well, what does it
look like I'm doing?

You know my brother,
don't you, Judy?

Hi, I have a
little brother, too.

His name's Robbie.

I've seen you around school.

See you at the house, sport.

(bottle squeaking)

(growling)

All right, Tramp,

you've given your
imitation of a watchdog.

Go on back to sleep.

(barking)

Pipe down, pipe down, stupid!

There's nobody out there.

(barking)

What's the matter, boy,
you hear something?

Nobody out there, see?

Where's Robbie, Dad?

He went to the library.

On his bike?

Yeah, I guess, so... why?

His bike's on the front lawn.

Well, maybe he's
roughing it tonight

and walked down to the library.

(chuckling)

Dad, how come you're always

making Mike and Robbie
stop slugging each other?

Well, I try to keep them
from slugging each other,

because no argument
is ever settled,

no problem is ever
solved by fighting.

(dog growling)

(panting, growling)

"Little brother."

(growling)

Animals fight because
they haven't the intelligence

to settle their
differences any other way,

but human beings can sit
down and talk things over

and weigh the facts on each side

and come to a fair and
reasonable agreement.

They don't have to
tear each other apart

like, uh, predatory
beasts of the jungle.

Who's a predatory beast?

I never started
a fight in my life,

but I finished many a
one, I can tell you that,

but I don't call that
being a... predatory beast.

Okay, skip the beast.

Come on, Chipper, time for bed.

Say, Steve, uh,
speaking about fighting,

did I ever tell you

about that bus driver
over at Plainview?

Yes, yes, you did, Bub.
But you didn't tell me.

Well, it was on Saturday
night way after midnight... Bub...

and the bunch were coming
out of Moriarty's... Bub...

Bub, it's not a bedtime story.

Go on. Huh?

(car approaching)

Oh, boy, you're
gonna get it, Mike.

(car radio playing instrumental)

(whistling)

You dirty, no good,
two-faced timer!

What? You crock...
I'm gonna get you!

You're gonna get it.

(both grunting)

What is the matter with you?

Why, taking my
girl away tonight!

(dog barking) (boys arguing)

Well, there they are,

your intelligent
little human beings,

weighing the facts on each side.

Wait, wait, now stop it!

Robbie, now, come
on, just a second!

(barking) STEVE:
Tramp... (arguing)

What's going on?

Nothing's going on,
Chip, just go to bed.

I'll be up in a few minutes.

Jeepers, I miss all the fun.

Now stop it!

Robbie, stop it, I mean it.

Wait till you hear what
he did, the dirty crook!

I didn't do anything.

Not much, you big
fat double-crosser!

Now, Robbie, that's enough.

I'll get the boxing
gloves. Never mind, Bub.

Well, spare the boxing
gloves, spoil the child.

Now, you two stop acting
like a couple of animals.

Now, what brought this on?

Human nature.

He jumped me.

I was just walking
up to the door,

and he jumped on
me for no reason.

No reason?!

Oh, that sounds like
dirty fighting, Robbie.

(barking) STEVE: Tramp, stop it!

Just stop it, stop it, Tramp.

Now, tell me, why
did you jump on Mike?

Because he's a big fat
double-crosser. Shh, shh.

Now, wait just a minute.

The neighbors.

Now, why did you jump on Mike?

Stick to the facts, will you?

I'll tell you the facts.

Judy was gonna be at the library

and Gordy was gonna
introduce her to me. Mm-hmm.

She was waiting
there to meet me and...

She wasn't waiting to meet you.

And this big fat double-crosser

snuck down there
and cut me out! Shh.

Well, for crying out loud, Mike.

Are you kidding? I
don't blame you, Robbie.

Gordy was... Just...

Gordy and me had
it all planned out,

and you had to stick
your big fat face in it!

Just fighting fire with fire.

Now, just a minute.

Now will you answer
one question for me?

Who is this Judy? And what...

Driving her all over
town in your big fancy car.

An eye for an eye.

Will you tell me who is Judy?

He's got no right
taking out my girl!

Your girl?!

I introduced him to her.

Why, Robbie, you
little so-and-so.

Look, how can you both be
interested in the same girl?

Yeah.

Well I'm not interested in her,

but if he's gonna get nasty
about it, maybe I will be!

I don't blame you.

She's in junior high,

and that's my
territory. Right, Dad?

Right!

Well, if you're gonna start

cutting up the school
district into hunting areas,

I suppose you got a point, yeah.

Well, for Pete's sake, Steve,
whose side are you on?

I'm not on any side.

I'm the arbitrator.

We're discussing.

You think it's okay
for... Shh, shh, shh.

(whispering): You think it's
okay for him to cut me out

when I had a date with
her? I didn't say that.

You think it's all
right for him to... Shh.

You think it's all right for
him to say I'm cutting him out

just because I accidentally

meet a girl in a library?

I didn't say that either!

Well, for a guy that
isn't saying anything,

you're doing an
awful lot of talking.

Well, I'm getting sick

of everybody kicking me around!

I can't even get help
from my own father.

Now, Robbie... Well,
I don't need any help.

I can take care of myself!

BUB: Attaboy, Robbie,
stick to your g*ns!

And I'll fix you,
wiseguy. You wait!

(sobbing)

(door slams) Robbie.

Talk about justice.

You let Robbie get
away with m*rder.

How come I'm always wrong?

Oh, now, look, Mike...
I'd like to see you

on my side once, just once.

Oh, now, Mike...
Old Chinese proverb:

Man who walk in middle of road

get hit by trucks
going both ways.

(gong sounds)

Mike...

I'm sorry about what I
said downstairs, Dad.

You're not always wrong, Mike.

You know, I don't think that.

And as far as choosing
sides is concerned,

the only side I'm on is
the side of our family.

That darn Robbie...
I know, Mike.

Look, Robbie's going

through a rough
period, right now, he...

Well, we just have to be
patient with him for a while.

Well, I... I guess
I'm just tired.

Yeah, I guess maybe we all are.

So, uh, why don't
we sleep on it?

We'll, uh, talk it over
in the morning, hmm?

Good night.

Good night, Mike.

Robbie.

Robbie?

You asleep?

♪ ♪

Well, a good night's sleep will
straighten the whole thing out.

I hope.

I'll show him.

I'll show him good.

Darn Mike.

Big fat double-crosser.

Poor little mixed up Robbie.

Patient.

(mimicking engine revving)

Good morning,
Chipper. Morning, Dad.

How'd you sleep? Fine.

Good. Who won
the fight last night?

Mike or Robbie? Oh,
uh, nobody won, Chip.

They were just a
little excited that's all.

As they say in the
diplomatic corps,

w*r was averted. Huh?

I said w*r was averted.

Oh. Averted?

Yeah, I got in between 'em.

Maybe they'll start
another fight this morning.

No, I don't think so, Chipper.

As a matter of fact I imagine,
after a good night's sleep,

they've forgotten the whole
thing. Are you kidding?

The two of 'em are
down there in the kitchen,

there's a cold w*r
going on down there,

that'd freeze the warts
off a polar bear! Oh, boy!

I still say they should
put on the boxing gloves.

What we need around here

is less talk and more action.

Oh, boy.

Get up happy; should
have stayed in bed.

Well, good morning, Robbie.

Mike.

Well, sit down, Chip.

Better drink that
quick before it freezes.

What is a cold w*r?

BUB: This is.

And the worst kind.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Bub.

At least we're sitting
at the same table.

Bub, will you ask Dad to
pass the cream, please?

Pass the cream
to Robbie, please.

One good thing
about a cold w*r is

that you can bring the foreign
ministers of the two countries

to a conference table like
this and discuss the issues.

Chip, tell Robbie to quit
hogging the sweet rolls.

Quit hogging the
sweet rolls, Robbie.

Actually, this is very much

like an international situation.

You fellas are two countries

who are having a
border dispute over,

well, some land that you
both feel belongs to you.

Of course, uh, the disputed land

in this case happens
to be a girl named Judy.

You're fighting over a girl?

Jeepers, I thought it
was something important!

Bub, will you tell Dad
to tell Chip to pipe down.

Tell Chip to pipe down.

Uh, pipe down, Chip. Now,

in a case like this, a larger,

more powerful country, me,

steps in to call a peace
conference, and here we are.

Now, who wants to speak first?

(clears throat)

Bub, will you ask
Dad to pass the butter.

Will you pass the butter?

Please?

Please.

Please.

Please.

All right, then I'll start.

Now, each of you two
countries state your claim

to the disputed territory,
namely Judyland.

Now, Foreign Minister, Robbie.

Tell him I got a raw deal
and the first chance I get,

I'm gonna clout Mike
right in the chops!

(g*n f*ring sound effects)
Attaboy, stick up for your rights.

You keep asking
for it, small fry,

and you're gonna get it.

BUB: That's telling him.

Bub, this is a peace conference.

There won't be any
peace around here

till these two
guys fight it out.

(expl*si*n sound effect) Oh,
now, Bub, you're not making sense.

Well, that's not a bad
for a predatory beast.

Well, don't get yourself
all wrought up about it.

Who's all wrought up?

I just want to see some action.

Me, too!

Now, look, Bub,

a peace conference is no good

if everybody
doesn't pull together.

One rotten apple in the barrel

and the whole barrel's spoiled.

(m*ssile screams,
expl*si*n) Rotten apple, huh?

Uh, sweet roll, Robbie?

Thanks.

I've already got one.

Oh.

Mike?

Oh, no, thanks.

I guess they're all yours, Chip.

Jeepers!

I get all the sweet rolls,

and I'm not even a country!

Somebody pass the butter!

Please.

I'll take it to him, Mike.

Summit Conference.

No thanks.

Bub, I'm sorry.

I, uh,

I wish you wouldn't
take things so personally.

All I meant was that,
well, our family is strong

because we work
together as a unit.

And if we start squabbling
among ourselves

we can ruin that.

We all know, as well as I do

that a chain is only as
strong as its weakest link.

Now I'm a weak link, huh?

No, I-I didn't mean that, Bub.

Oh for Pete's sake, will
you start acting your age!

Yeah?

I'm old enough to know that
a good, clean fight is better

than a lot of dirty names!

(g*nf*re sound effects) Nobody's
calling anybody any names.

BUB: Our kids are gonna grow
up to be a bunch of sissified,

mealymouthed,
pink-tea pantywaists!

Bub, will you listen to me.

A lot of whimpering, sniveling,

pampered pussyfooters.

Will you please listen to me.

Oh, I know, I know.

I'm just a beastly, rotten,
weak link, predatory, old...

Bub, shut up!

Uh-oh.

The H-b*mb!

Just listen to me

for ten consecutive
seconds, will you?

There's nothing wrong with
fighting in the ring for sport,

but these kids have to learn

that they cannot settle their
petty personal misunderstandings

with their fists.

Now, it's late, I've got to go.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let me tell you something.

This "peace
conference" idea of yours

hasn't settled anything
either, and it's not gonna.

Well, at least nobody's
hitting anybody.

You can't keep these
kids from fighting.

You can't change human
nature. Well, I can try.

They're probably out in
the backyard right now

tearing each other to
pieces. Yeah, you hope.

MIKE: Dad... sorry to butt in

on your Summit Conference but...

What happened to the fight?

Well, uh, the small
powers decided

to submit their differences

to a fact-finding committee.

You mean you're making up?

Well, gosh, who's got
time for our little w*r

when you big guys
are getting ready

to blow everything up?

Blow everything up?

What are you talking about?

We're just standing
here having a little talk.

You-you can't settle anything
without talking things over.

Right, Steve?

Right, Bub.

This is the way all peace
conferences should work out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well... How about
a cup of coffee?

Oh, Bub, I, uh...

Yeah.

You see, Bub,

that's what I meant
about a peace conference.

What'd you do with my
rock collection, Mike?

What was it doing on my bed?

CHIP: Come on, Mike...
I guess you're right.

Sometimes there just
has to be a little action.

MIKE: How many times do I have
to tell you to stay out of my room?

I'll put a stop to that.

MIKE: Where is my puppet?

How should I know?

Now for a nice, quiet
cup of coffee, huh?

(chuckles)
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