01x25 - Off Key

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Three Sons". Aired: September 29, 1960 - April 13, 1972.*
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Widower Steve Douglas raises a trio of boys.
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01x25 - Off Key

Post by bunniefuu »

Robbie, what are you doing?

Chip asked me why
mirrors make reflections,

and I was just seeing if
I told him the right thing.

Oh. Did you tell him?

Yeah, but now he's
got me to worrying.

In the mirror, I'm backwards.

Of course. You mean to
tell me it's taken you 15 years

to come to that conclusion?

Well, sure, but if the
mirror reverses me

from left to right,

how come it doesn't reverse
me from top to bottom?

Well, Robbie, it...

Look, uh, just because
Chip gets you involved

in this sort of thing,
doesn't mean you have

to involve me in it.

Well, if I, if I don't,

how am I gonna know the answer

when Chip asks me?

How do you know
he's gonna ask you?

Well, every time I teach him
something he doesn't know...

Hey, look, will
you get off my bed

or at least take your shoes off?

Every time I teach him
something he doesn't know,

he knows as much as I know,

and then he asks me
stuff that I don't know.

Why don't you tell
him you don't know?

Are you kidding?

That poor little dumb
kid looks up to me.

Besides, what good
is an older brother

if he's just as
ignorant as you are?

Well, you can tell him
you're gonna find out.

That's what I'm
trying to do, Dad.

Look, Robbie, there
are other sources

of information besides
me, you know... like, books.

Gee, Dad, I don't
have time to read.

I'm too busy studying.

Good-bye, Robbie,

I have a little work to do here.

Okay, but believe
me, when I'm a father,

I won't deny my kids a
little cheap knowledge.

Knowledge is
never cheap, Robbie,

which you will find out
when you get in college.

Or at least I will.

Well, if it's so expensive,

why don't you just
get me started now?

And by the time
I get to college,

look how much money
I'll be saving you.

Come on, Robbie, you
don't want knowledge.

You just like the idea of Chip's
thinking you're a hero, hmm?

All right, Dad, when Chip
asks me about the mirrors,

I'll just tell him that nobody
around here knows the answer.

Just like the boy
who cried wolf.

What's the kid who cried
wolf got to do with this?

Well, I keep asking
you and asking you

and you won't tell me.

Pretty soon, you'll want
to tell me something,

and I won't be asking.

Oh, okay. Come on. You win.

Now, uh, what was the question?

It's been so long
since you asked.

Well, if the mirror reverses
me from left to right,

how come it won't reverse
me from top to bottom?

Oh. Well, as a matter of
fact, as a matter of fact,

the mirror doesn't
always reverse everything.

I just happen to know

a very clever little
mysterious verse

which defies the
power of the mirror.

Here, just made it.

Now come over
here to the mirror.

All right, read it.

"My oath, my vow,
my moto, too..."

"My motto, too..."

"my motto too,

I aim 'twixt myth
with to outwit you."

"'twixt myth to outwit you."

All right, now read
it from here, hmm?

Gosh, it reads the
same in the mirror!

Dad, how do you
do things like that?

Well, I'm sure by the time

Chip gets around to
asking that question,

you'll have it figured out.

Are you kidding?
I don't have to.

I don't have to
figure out anything

with a father as
smart as you are.

Hey, now wait a minute.

She did? Wait a minute.

I want to hear everything
she had to say about me.

Chip, knock it off, will ya?

Okay, I'm listening.

There, that's what
Robbie taught me.

Ha! You call that playing?

My brother Harold could
do that with his toes.

So could Robbie, and
he plays the trumpet, too.

With his toes?

Sure. Robbie can do anything.

He can't either. He can, too.

Cannot. Want to make a bet?

Yeah. How much? Quiet.

The secret word
for today is "quiet."

Okay, so she said I
was cute and handsome.

Now, what else?

He can't either.

How about that? What
else did she have to say?

Can, too. He told me all
about reflections, didn't he?

So what? My brother
could have told us more.

So what? And play
the piano better, too.

Robbie'll show ya,
won't ya, Robbie?

Huh? Yeah, I...

Reflections may be a little
hard for you guys to understand,

but I have a
little verse here...

See? He can't do it.

He can, too. Can't you, Robbie?

Yeah, but you have to listen.

Now, this verse won't reverse.

Come on, Robbie,
show him. He can't.

Put it frontwards, and then
it comes out backwards.

You guys listening to me?

Kids!

Like I said before... Quiet!

She said I was quiet?!

Oh, "Quite. Quite brilliant."

Well, that's more like it.

And then what?

Now, how can I tell you
about mirrors when...

Can't you explain after you
play the piano for Sudsy?

Yeah, but... Piano?!

See? He's trying
to get out of it.

He is not! Is, too.

He is not. Yeah?

Look, I'm not gonna
play any piano for Sudsy.

See?

Here I go to a lot
of work for you,

and you're not even interested.

See?

You just don't ask me

any more questions
again, you hear?

See?

Okay, you win, Sudsy.

I guess Harold is
better than Robbie.

I told ya! I told ya!

Who's Harold?

He used to play
the piano real well,

but I guess he forgot how to.

What do you mean, I forgot?

He doesn't know how.
He used to know how.

I still know how,
but I'm not gonna...

I said I still know
how to play the piano,

but I got better
things to do than...

Okay, okay, I'll play the piano!

Oh, boy, great! Come
on, Robbie, let's go.

I bet he's not as
good as Harold.

Bet he is. Bet he isn't.

Yeah? Why would she
like the way I laugh?

How much you want to bet?

I'll bet all the
money I got. Yeah?

Let's all yell and
making lot of noise!

Everybody up now
and make a lot of noise!

Whoopee! Ay-yi-yi!

Now you get out of here.

Bub, Robbie's just gonna
play the piano for us.

Play it someplace
else. Come on. Out, out.

Yeah, come on, you guys.

Look, get out. You
heard what Bub said.

Come on. Don't hand me that.

Come on. Don't argue with me.

Come on. Get out
of here. Go on, go on.

You, too. Come on. You, too.

Don't sit there.

What are you talking about, Bub?

I'm talking about
you. Get out of here.

I was just in here
playing the piano.

Your father's trying to work.

How can he work
with all this noise?

Get out. I'll see you later.

Good-bye! Those darn kids.

All they want to do
today is make noise.

Things have changed
since I was a kid.

If I'd have made
a noise like that,

I would have been tossed
right out of the house.

"Conceited"?

What does she mean, "conceited"?

I don't think I'm much better

than any other
popular guy in school.

Our piano's right in here.

Brother. You sure your
mother let's people play?

Why not? She
plays it all the time.

Yeah, go ahead,
Robbie. Show him.

Sure doesn't look
much like our piano.

Ha! Great play.

My brother Harold could
do that with this nose.

So could Robbie.

Okay.

Play something loud and fast.

Okay, Chip.

There. Can he play or not?

How about that?

Is your brother
Harold that good?

That's great, Robbie.

Boy, am I gonna catch it now.

Gosh.

What's wrong?

He broke a key, that's what.

He hit it so hard, he broke it.

It's a pretty weak piano.

My brother Harold
never broke any keys.

Well, that's because my
brother's stronger than your brother.

Well, my brother just knows
enough not to break things.

Well, my brother
knows more than that.

He knows how to fix
things after he breaks 'em.

Well, my brother can fix things

even if someone else breaks 'em.

So what? Prove it.

Well, he's not here right now.

That's just an excuse.

Robbie can fix it.
Can't you, Robbie?

Robbie? Robbie?!

Ha! He's not here either.

You call me, Robbie?

Yeah!

Oh, say, I've marked
these books for you

that ought to help with
that reflection problem.

Robbie, don't
stand on the piano.

Or at least take your shoes off.

Okay, Dad. What are
you doing, anyway?

Did you lose something
down in there?

No, not exactly in here, Dad.

Well, then what are you doing?

I'm just trying to find out
how this thing works, Dad.

Robbie, one thing you must learn

is to solve one
problem at a time

and then go on to the next one.

Now, with these books
and the encyclopedia here...

Let's see,

"Naval Reserve to Orleans."
Yes, "optical" will be in there.

Robbie?

Yeah?

Did you lose something, Dad?

Yes, you. Now, about
this reflection business.

Sit down, Rob.

But gee, Dad, I
promised Chip that I'd...

Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You see? Trying
to be a hero to Chip,

pretending you know something

when you really don't
can get you into trouble.

Now, I helped you find
the answer this time,

but the next time,
you're on your own.

Dad, Chip and Sudsy
are waiting for me...

The next time you
have a problem, Rob,

remember what every
true scientist knows:

that to get the right answer,

you must ask the
right questions,

and you can't possibly
ask the right questions

unless you do a lot of studying.

You must know the
problem from the inside out.

That's what I'm
trying to do, Dad.

Now here, you take these
books and go up to your room

or someplace where it's
quiet and do some studying.

Being a hero takes a
lot of work, you know?

But Dad, all these...
Come on. Run along, Rob.

I spent half the afternoon
on this reflection thing.

All right, but I don't see
how knowing about mirrors

is gonna help me ask the
right questions about a piano.

Back to work.

See? I told you Robbie'd
fix up this old piano.

Yeah, but is he fixing it up

or is he fixing it down?

Or tearing it down?

Or tearing it up?

Those just flap right over
and... flap right back, see?

Pretty neat, huh?

Yep.

Now.

See, boys?

Nothing to it if you know how.

See that, boys?

Nothing to it.

Just got to know
your pianos, that's all.

The only way to understand
a problem is to study it

from the inside out.

You sure got the
insides out now.

Hmm... kind of cute.

Hey, Chip, go get those books

on the table over
there for me, will ya?

Boy, if my mother came
home right now, she'd faint.

Photography... Photogravure...

photosynthesis, hmm?

Phrenology...

phylogeny...

"Phylogeny... The
evolutionary history

of an animal or
a plant species."

If he doesn't fix it by the
time my mother gets home,

she may never let
me play with you again.

She will, too. Will not.

She will, too. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah! She'll never let
you play with Chip again,

and she's going to spank you,

and then when she tells my dad
what happened, I'm gonna get...

Dad.

Uh, hey, Chip and Sudsy,

why don't you go
out to the garage

and bring me some
more tools, huh?

Ah. Sounds pretty good.

Just shows you...
You run into a problem,

you don't know the
answer, look it up.

I'll get the phone, Bub.

Okay, I'll get the back door.

Hello.

Hello, Dad.

Uh, remember what you said
when we were talking today

about how a scientist has
to be able to analyze things

from the inside out to be
able to ask the right questions?

Yes, Robbie. What is it now?

Well, I did what you said.

I've been studying the problem

and I really got
to the bottom of it.

Good. That goes to show you,

those books really
helped, didn't they?

Uh, yeah, Dad. In fact,
I'm using them right now.

But I need to ask
a couple questions.

Now, look, Rob, I
told you the next time

you ran into a problem,
you were going to have to...

Well, I'll help you once more.

It was the most marvelous
recital I've ever attended.

I just can't wait to get home

and try some of the
numbers on my own piano.

I hope Huey... I mean Sudsy,

hasn't been too much trouble.

No trouble at
all, Mrs. Pfieffer.

I haven't even seen him
in the last couple hours.

Oh, dear. You haven't seen him?

I hope... Now don't
worry, don't worry.

They're with Robbie, and
he won't let 'em get in trouble.

Oh, I'll just trot on, then.

When you see
Sudsy, send him home.

I'll do it.

Well, Rob, you're
talking about the action.

Now you see, when you
press down on the key,

the hammer is
actuated by a lever

called the hopper or jack.

It has a little spring on it.

A little spring on it.

Yeah. Gosh, Dad, you
described things so well

I can almost see it.

It's just a little
engineering problem, Rob.

You might like to know,
Rob, that the first upright piano

like we have in
the living room here

was invented by a man
named John Isaac Hawkins.

He lived in Philadelphia
and invented the piano

about the year 1800.

And he was also an
engineer. Isn't that interesting?

I mean, isn't that interesting?

Boy, is there anything
you don't know?

If you're talking
to Robbie, tell him

Mrs. Pfieffer is on her way
home and wants Sudsy.

You're a genius.

; Oh, Rob,

I wouldn't go so
far as to say that.

Well, it's just something I
happened to read someplace.

Okay, Dad.

Oh, Rob, tell Sudsy his
mother's coming home

and she wants him
for something, will you?

I may have to call you again
if I run into trouble, 'cause...

On her way home?! Bye, Dad.

Well...

Mother? Ms. Pfieffer?

She just left our house
on the way home.

There's no time to
put it back together!

How much time do you need?

I don't know... six
minutes... five minutes...

Give me four minutes.

Not even my
brother could do that.

Jeepers, if you can put
it together in four minutes

you really are a genius.

I don't even have one minute.

Here she comes now.

Maybe we can stop her. Yeah.

How? I don't know.

♪ Now I must pick up
my groceries and go ♪

♪ Into the house
to cook dinner... ♪

What have you two been up to?

Nothing much.

We've just been
studying how mirrors work.

Just like your brother Harold.

Did you find out how they work?

Partly, only we don't understand
why they turn things backwards.

Backwards?

In a mirror, left is
right and right is left.

It is?

Well, uh... that's
perfectly simple to explain.

Of course in a mirror
everything's backward.

That's just the way things are

and there's nothing
anyone can do about it.

Then how come the mirror
won't turn this verse backward?

"My oath, my vow,
my motto, too...

I aim 'twixt myth
to outwit you."

Oh, no.

You won't outwit me that easily.

Now... Well... Dear me.

Heavens, it even reads the same

from the backside of the paper.

That's just the way my
brother Robbie writes things.

Just like Harold.

I'm just dying to try
out some new numbers.

Hey, wait, Ms. Pfieffer.

I haven't time to play
capture the flag, Chip.

Look out, Robbie! Here she
comes! I have to cook dinner.

Mom, I want to
show you something.

- Robbie! Sorry, Robbie...
- Jeepers!

You really are a genius.

You must be to
write verses like this.

You better explain it to
the boys, because I can't.

I don't think I have
time, Mrs. Pfieffer.

Wait a second, Robbie, I
want you to see something.

Good heavens.

Uh, Chip and I better get
on home now, Mrs. Pfieffer.

How in the world
did that happen?

What happen?

This morning that note
was completely dead.

I thought I was going
to have a big repair bill.

Now it's as good as new.

It got well all by itself.

All that work, and I
didn't even break it.

Yeah, but you sure fixed it.

Oh?

He had that old piano
all over this room...

Just to fix one little key.

Why, Robbie, you
really are a genius.

Well, it's just that when I
find something that's broken,

I kind of get kind
of nervous like

until I find out what's wrong.

Wonderful, Harold... oh, Robbie.

Why don't you sit
down for a few minutes.

I have some ice cream
and cake in the kitchen.

Hey, that'd be real neat.
Thanks a lot, Mrs. Pfieffer.

This clock hasn't run in months.

I don't want to take
advantage of you,

but would you mind
looking at it, Robbie?

And if you really
enjoy fixing things,

the TV needs attention. I really
don't know much about TV's...

And the garbage disposal's making
a terrible noise for some reason.

I don't even think we have
a garbage disposal at...

And I just have to have someone
tune up my dryer. Your dryer?

Mrs. Pfieffer, wait!

Please.

You have to know the truth.

It's my father who's the genius.

Come on, now, Robbie.

I mean, he's the one
who wrote the verse.

And he's the one who
told me how to fix the piano.

But you fixed it.

Yeah, but he knows all about the
history of piano and stuff like that.

And he can rattle it right off
like he's reading it from a book.

In fact, there's nothing
you can ask him

that he can't answer.
Excuse me, Robbie.

In fact, he can even... Here.

Hey, what...?

Larson 0-6719, is
that your number?

Yes, ma'am, but, I...

What am I supposed
to do with all this stuff?

Hey, Chip, will you tell him...

Well, that's exactly what I told
Pastor Lunquist, the poor man.

The church has had so many
added expenses this year.

The new rugs for

the Sunday school department.

The roof in the sanctuary
leaks like a sieve.

And now the pipe organ...

Sounds like it might be a
pretty expensive proposition.

They'll probably have to
dismantle the whole organ.

Well, I assured the poor soul

that help would come
from somewhere.

Well, when you put it that way.

Well, I'd hardly say I was
a genius, Mrs. Pfieffer.

Oh, come now, Mr. Douglas,
you're just being modest.

Yes, you are.

Oh, yes, you are.

I'll, I'll take a look at it.

It might just be
some little thing.

That's exactly what I told
Pastor Lunquist, the poor man.

Well, all right then, I'll
see you there at 6:00.

Fine. No, it's no
imposition at all.

It's a pleasure, I assure you.

All right, good-bye.

Well...

Hello, Mrs. Lunquist?
Is the pastor there?

Yes. Yes, I'll wait.

Look, if your brother
Harold's so great,

why hasn't he
fixed all this stuff?

Harold? How can
he when he's at MIT?

MIT?

Massachusetts
Institute of Technology.

He was Phi Beta
Kappa when he was 19.

Here we are.

"Organs, pipe."

Large organs around 1910.

Have up to 15,000 pipes
and nearly 200 stops.

Well, I think I have
just the man for you.

He'll solve all your
problems with the organ.

He knows everything about music.

He knows the history of pianos.

He knows how to fix
all kinds of instruments.

1,250... 32,850...

Bub, do you have Mrs.
Pfieffer's telephone number?
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