04x20 - Dear Diary

[bunniefuu]

'Yee-haw!'

Yes, sir. This is one of 'em
clean crisp Hazzard County days

when the Duke boys know
that life is really worth a livin'.

Even the General
is feelin' pretty good.

That is, except for
a broken brake light.

Which in most places
is a minor traffic violation

but in Hazzard it's the
same as stealin' from winners.

That is, if you
happen to be a Duke.

Now, that ain't no
ticket Ol' Rosco's writin'.

That's Rosco's secret diary.

An' if Ol' Boss knew

what Rosco's been tellin'
his diary all these years..

He'd have a
double conniption fit.

"Dear Diary..

"My little buddy, Boss
Hogg really made a killin'

"this week, again.

"He made approximately
$ , profit

"on some h*jacked radial tires.

But yours truly gets
at least percent off."

Well... I won't..

Let's see, I'll make
that percent.

You're not gonna let me
fib to my diary, are you?

Well, I'll make it percent.

If I'm lucky... oh!

Oh, oh, look there, Flash.

'There go those Dukes.'

An' they got a tail light
out. We'll get 'em this time.

'sh*t, it's Rosco.'

I give up. What does
he want us for this time?

I can always ask him.

Uh... Breaker - for
one Rosco P. Coltrane.

Listen, what exactly is it
we've done wrong this time?

You got a broken tail
light that you don't know.

So, just pull it over. You're
gonna get a $ ticket.

Rosco, you have a
screw loose or somethin'?

That's-that's the third time
you used that phony brake light

'charge on us this month.
You gonna use it again?'

I'm sure you got a broken
tail light, I mean it. Pull over.

Listen up, Rosco, if
you're gonna try an' stick us

with that phony charge, you're
gonna have to catch us first.

They're makin' a run for
it. Good, good. I love it.

It's hot pursuit time, Flash!

Whoa... whoo!

Ha ha.

Luke, this road
leads to the farm.

What are you leadin'
Rosco back to the farm for?

Just for once, I'd like to
have Uncle Jesse an' Daisy

as witnesses when
Rosco tries to pin us

with a phony brake light charge.

Ha ha ha.

Boys, what have you done now?

Alright, you...

Rosco's got some
cockamamie story

'bout us havin' a tail
light that ain't workin'.

- That's right.
- Oh, it is too.

No, it ain't.

Luke, it ain't workin', it's
broke. I saw it as you drove in.

- What do you mean?
- It ain't workin'.

- Ain't workin'?
- Oh! I love it!

Your own kin put the finger
on you. You're gettin' a ticket.

Don't give it to me,
Luke was drivin'.

You're the one who
said we got busted...

'But you had possession
of the steerin'... '

Now, where do you suppose
Flash is goin' with Rosco's diary?

You could paper my
room with these things.

Our room.

Most dogs'd rather
bury a bone, than a diary.

Maybe Ol' Flash is
one of 'em vegetarians.

- Alright!
- Here you go.

- Gimme the pen.
- Give us a copy.

'Let me keep the pen,
you keep the blue one.'

Hush! I know which copy.

Oh! Good!

You got more tickets than I do.

Alright, let's get
outta here. Alright.

Leap into the car.

Just go right on in.

Leap right in there.

I'm gettin' awful tired

of doin' your leapin'
for you, sweetheart.

You know, you're gettin' chubby.

Just like Boss Hogg.
In fact, you're gettin' fat!

But I love you. I love you.

Alright now, not havin'
your car legal ain't funny.

'So just get it fixed
and get to work.'

Maybe we'll make enough out
of the farm to pay your tickets.

- Yes, sir.
- Sorry 'bout that, Luke.

Meanwhile, Boss Hogg
was payin' off them two fellers

who h*jacked the
brand new radial tires

that Ol' Rosco has been
writin' 'bout in his diary.

Here it is, boys.
Here's your money.

An' I want to thank you
very very much for everythin'.

No, no, no! No need to count it.

Like they say around here, when
you do business with J.D. Hogg

there's no need to worry.

You're $ , short
of our deal, Hogg.

Oh, am I? Oh, yes, so I am.

Well, I can explain all that.

You see, them
h*jacked tires of yours..

Well, they turned out
to be little itty-bitty tires.

Uh, to go on little
itty-bitty phone calls..

So I took myself a
little itty-bitty discount.

An' if you don't
give us our $ ,

we'll have to take a little
itty-bitty out of your hide.

Yeah, like knockin' them
gold fillings outta your teeth.

That oughta be worth somethin'.

Well, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, here.

You boys sure don't know nothin'
'bout doin' business, do you?

I mean, I just decided
to give you a break here.

You understand? An' besides..

I never even did deduct
my overhead expenses.

You mean like,
fillin' your fat belly?

No, sir! I-I eat like a bird.

I'm just naturally plump.

Here's your lunch, Cousin Boss.

Ham hocks, deep fried okra,
hush puppies, an' red eye gravy.

'Cletus, gimme this thing.'

Listen, these gents are takin'
up too much of my time as it is.

So, do your duty an' show
them the fastest way out of town.

No, sir. Now, we ain't goin'
nowhere, till we get our money.

That's right.

Oh, yeah? Well, Cousin
Boss says move, you move.

Cletus, do it again. Only
this time, use your g*n.

Okay. Oh, yeah? Cousin
Boss says move, you move.

It worked!

We ain't through
with you yet, Hogg.

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, yes, you are.

'What in tarnation is
that imbecile doin' there?'

Let's dump this.

I'll be back.

What Rosco's
lookin' for is his diary

that Flash buried
out at the Duke farm.

Flash.

Which is what Flash is sayin'.

If Rosco would
just pay attention.

Oh! Oh, here's a little car.

- Vroom, vroom, vroom!
- 'Rosco!'

Rosco, what do you
think you're doin' there?

You're tearin' up your car?
Have you lost your marbles?

No, I didn't lose my
marbles, I'll tell you what I lost.

I lost my diary.

- Diary? A diary!
- Yeah. My little red diary.

- You keep a diary?
- Yeah, well, it's a lil' diary.

- What kinda diary?
- The usual diary.

The diary that you
write everythin' in.

Everythin'? What
kind of everythin'?

- Did I say "everythin'"?
- You did.

Well, I didn't mean
everythin', everythin'.

I meant just a lil'
everythin' 'bout this an' that.

This an' that? What
kinda this an' that?

- Did I say "this an' that"?
- You did.

I didn't mean this an' that. I
meant 'bout me an' everybody.

Everybody! Who everybody?

- Did I say "everybody"?
- Oh, don't start that again!

Let me get it
straight, knuckle head.

It's me you're writin'
'bout in that diary, right?

Well, naturally, you're my lil'
fat buddy. I wrote a little bit.

- A little! A little! A little!
- A little bit.

So, Rosco told Boss
how he wrote his diary.

Every detail, right
down to the fine frog hair.

From their first one
arm bandit operation

right on down to the
present h*jacked radial tire.

- Rosco, say you didn't...
- What?

Say you didn't write all that
down in your own handwritin'.

I didn't write all that down
in my own handwritin'.

King Jacks. I lied.

Alright. Look, look. We
just gotta find that diary.

Where was the last
place you'd seen it?

The last time I saw
it it was in my car

when I was out at the Duke farm.

The Duke farm! Alright, alright.

Then, that's where
you lost it, you dodo.

Now, if them
Dukes find that diary

they've got your true
confessions an' enough on me

to send me up the
river for years to life.

Or even longer.

Come on. We gotta
get that diary back.

Let's get that back seat
in there, so we can get..

Not this end, take
the driver's side.

- Alright, get it in there.
- Don't shove.

Hurry up.

Ol' Flash keeps talkin',
an' nobody's listenin'.

You know, sometimes
I feel that way myself.

Alright, leap in there.

Just leap right on. Oh, Flash.

Get that thing'
in there, will you?

She wants to go.

Oh, get that flea-collector
in there an' let's go.

Oh, I love this. I love this!

Hurry up, before somebody
else gets that diary.

- You ready?
- Yeah. Let's go.

Hot pursuit.

- Alright, come on now.
- Hang on, hot pursuit.

- Oh, wait, wait.
- Would you go already?

Naturally, Ol' Rosco's diary

was still where Ol'
Flash had buried it.

- Hey, Bo.
- What?

That brake light workin'?

Yeah, it works fine.
You're a genius.

Alright!

- What 'bout that wood?
- No, that don't work so good.

You got it fixed, huh?

Yeah, the bulb wasn't b*rned
out after all, just a loose wire.

Alright, alright. Now
watch it, will you?

- Watch it when you stop.
- Calm down, Boss.

Oh ho ho!

I'll tell you somethin'.

Just I can't believe what
you've done with this car.

Nice piece of
drivin' there, Rosco.

J.D., just state your business
an' get on. We got chores to do.

Yes, an' the only chores I
wanna see outta you Dukes

is you givin' Rosco
back his diary.

- Diary?
- What diary you talkin' 'bout?

You know, doggone
well which diary.

The one I lost when I
was writin' Luke that ticket.

Rosco, was it red an'
had a little gold clasp on it?

Oh, yeah. That
was it! Give it to me.

I ain't got it, I know
that's the only kind

Mr. Rheubottom
sells at his store.

So, you musta lost it
somewhere else, Rosco.

Besides, what's so
important 'bout a dang diary?

Are you kiddin'? I'll tell
you what's so important.

It had all my private
little thoughts in there.

I know what you're gonna do.

You're gonna
blackmail Boss an' I...

Rosco, zip! You talk too much.

J.D., we ain't got the
diary an' that's the end of it.

No, it ain't. I ain't
buyin' that story no how.

So if you don't
give back the diary

I'm havin' you guys
taken in an' locked up.

Lockin' us up? On what charge?

We don't need a charge.

You Duke boys are
guilty in Hazzard County

until proven innocent.

Rosco!

Listen, if you wanna charge
I got a whole file of charges

back in my office. The first
charge is Grand Theft Diary.

Rosco, cuff them
Duke boys an' stuff 'em!

Right. Come on.

No, no, no!
They're gettin' away.

They're gettin' away.
After 'em! Come on!

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on! Come on, move it!

- Come on. Don't just..
- Hot pursuit!

Hang on, Luke!

Three cars, two lanes.

An' everybody knows
that three don't go into two..

Without some pieces left over.

Get out of the way!

Oh, watch it!

- Oh ho ho ho.
- Oh, dagblast it!

She's not used to those
sudden stops either.

Boy, I tell you, we're in
the free an' clear, cousin.

Hang on a minute.

Whoo!

Why is it every time we think
we're in the free an' clear..

Somethin' like this happens.

Well, that dang Rosco's
dairy's already cost us a tire.

What worries me more is
that file of charges against us.

Wonder why he kept
it a secret so long.

I'll get the keys.

The tire ain't
gonna change itself!

Now, meanwhile Ol' Jesse an'
Daisy kept up with the chores

even though inside
they were plum eat up

with what Ol' Boss an'
Rosco was doin' to the boys.

Alright, Bonnie-Mae, let's
get with it. It's time to get milk.

Uncle Jesse, take it easy.

Bonnie-Mae is not the
one you really angry at.

Well, you're right
'bout that, girl.

I'm sorry, dear,
let's go without..

Hey, would you look at this?

Rosco's diary?

Must be! Like I
said this only kind

that Mr. Rhuebottom
sells at his store.

Just to make sure,
I'm gonna read it.

No, no, Daisy, we
can't, it's private.

It's private an' I'll bet you
the way Ol' J.D. was after this

that every rotten deal that
the two of 'em ever made

is written down
right inside here.

You know, I'll bet you,
Boss wants it bad enough

he'll let Bo an' Luke
off the hook for this.

That's exactly
what I am thinkin'.

And to think you nearly
ate it, Bonnie-Mae.

'Well, it's a good thing
you didn't, Bonnie-Mae'

because what's in here would've
made you sick to your stomach.

- Let's give Ol' J.D. a call.
- Yeah, I'll take care of this.

No, no, no, you don't. I
know what you are up to.

Now, friends, that's integrity.

- Let it down easy now.
- I get it.

Slid up that jack.

Oh, for Pete's
sake, the spare's flat.

Looks like one of us
has to get the pump...

I'll get the pump,
we'll both pump.

Yeah, that's right, J.D.
I found Rosco's dairy.

- 'Right where it was buried.'
- Listen, Jesse, this is Rosco.

I don't want you readin'
any of my personal thoughts.

Especially, 'bout my mama
readin' "Jack an' The Beanstalk"

to me at night to get me to
sleep. That ain't your business.

No, I didn't read it, Rosco,
an' I got no mind to read it.

Look, hope you ain't read
'bout Rosco's teddy bear.

None of that stuff,
you know, Jesse.

No, I didn't read
'bout no teddy bear.

Now, I'll tell you
what I wanna do, J.D.

I wanna make a deal with you.

I'll give you this your diary,
if you'll drop all 'em charges

you say you got against
my boys. Now, is that a deal?

'Like I said, that book is
just 'bout Rosco's teddy bear.'

Well, now look who
else has got their ears on

for this conversation.

Them ol' boys, that
Boss double-crossed.

'J.D., have we got us a
deal or not? I'm a waitin'.'

How can I be sure, you
ain't really read Rosco's dairy

from cover to cover an' you're
waitin' to use Rosco's words

against him in the court of law.

J.D., 'cause I say I didn't
read it an' I got more integrity

in my little pinky than
you got in your whole body.

If I say I didn't read
it, I didn't read it.

Alright, alright, it's a deal.

Only, we gotta spit
an' shake on it first.

Alright, I'm a spittin'.

An' I'm a spittin'.

An' I'm a shakin'.

An' I'm a shakin'.

- Done.
- Done.

I'm proud of you.

Now, listen, Jesse,
you just get that diary

over here lickety-split, you
hear? An' I mean lickety-split.

Alright, J.D., I'm a comin' in.

Now, I'm comin'
down the Old Mill Road

so you tell Rosco an' Cletus
to take in all their speed traps!

'You got that?'

- He's gone.
- Oh.

- Phew.
- Phew. You know somethin'?

Nobody, every read
'bout my teddy bear before.

Yeah, an' nobody would
have, if hadn't put in writin'.

An' it didn't take much thinkin'

to figure out what
was in that diary, too.

An' how they could
use it to get back at Boss

for double-crossin' 'em.

That diary can get us
that $ Hogg owes us

an' then some, Avery.

Yeah, Jesse Duke said he'd
be comin' around Old Mill Road.

Let's do it.

Jesse didn't know he had
a whole truck load of trouble

headin' his way, as
he talked to Bo an' Luke

an' told 'em 'bout Bonnie-Mae
findin' Rosco's diary.

An' his deal with Boss to drop
all the charges against 'em.

So, when you boys
get through there

while you high-tail it
over to J.D.'s office.

I'll meet you there.

'We'll get this
whole thing settled'

an' get back to doin' what
we're supposed be doin'.

Runnin' the farm.

This is Shepherd. Clear!

Well, it's just 'bout here
with that load of trouble

caught up with Jesse.

Must be him.

Run him off.

What in the world are you..

Numbskull!

Now, Jesse didn't know
who them fellers were

but it was pretty plain to see

their intentions were
a might malicious.

Looks like I got
myself some company.

Alright, boy.

Let us see how good you are.

Move it, Avery!
You're losin' him!

I've got my teeth
on the likes of you.

I'll just keep you
with me a little while

an' then you wonder what
happened to Uncle Jesse.

Friends, it takes
an awful good man

to catch an old ridge
runner like Jesse.

However, what was
chasin' wasn't the problem.

This dang road.

Good gracious! They
ought to be made to..

Ooh! Oh, that's 'bout..

Howdy.

Alright, Duke.
We'll take that diary.

What diary?

Look in the truck.

'Who are you fellers?'

It ain't there. He
must have it on him.

Hand it over, Duke.

I don't know what
you're talkin' 'bout.

Uh-uh, listen, fellers.

I need a doctor bad.

Ouch. Ooh. Ooh.

- That hurts.
- Thank you.

Real sorry we gotta
leave you like that.

Come on, let's go.

Gotta get to that C.B.

Oh!

Look at her toe
nails. Aren't they...

- Her what?
- Look at her toe nails.

- They just shine.
- Oh!

What in-Oh, here's
another one. Ah!

'Trim your cuticle.'

You got a lot cuticle
with a lot little..

- Hi, y'all.
- Where's Uncle Jesse?

Well, I was just askin'
myself the same question.

Somethin's wrong. He should've
b*at us here by five minutes.

He should! If he ain't here in
two minutes with Rosco's diary

you boys are headed
straight for the hoosegow.

You see, I knew we
couldn't trust you Duke boys.

Hold on, he gave his word,
he'll be here an' he'll be here.

Shepherd to Lost Sheep.

Shepherd to Lost Sheep.

'Shepherd to Lost Sheep.'

'Shepherd to Lost Sheep.
You out there? Come in.'

This here's Luke, Uncle Jesse.
What's wrong. Where are you at?

I'm on the Old Mill Road
right near Sutter's Creek.

Ah, it seems I kinda
got my ankle outta joint.

I stepped in a gopher
hole or somethin' here.

'Some fellers tried to
run me off the road... '

The diary! Rosco's
diary, Jesse, where is it?

They took it.

This is sad to hear.

- They took it.
- Uncle Jesse, listen.

Luke an' me are on the
way. Don't you move!

Oh, wait, wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

You boys ain't goin'
nowhere, but jail.

'Rosco, you know what's a ploy?'

- Well, no. It's a...
- You're lookin' at one.

This is a ploy to get back
that file of charges I got.

- Oh, now, wait a minute, Boss.
- Aah! Rosco, lock 'em up.

Alright. Freeze, you
boys! Listen, just move it.

You heard Uncle Jesse
on the C.B. He hurt himself.

Get over there
an' get in that cell.

- We can't sit around here...
- Just hush it right there.

Hold this.

- Rosco, I can't hold a g*n.
- Come on.

'Don't throw that g*n in there.'

- 'Cletus, get after 'em.'
- 'I haven't a g*n either.'

Nobody's got a g*n around here!

Freeze!

'Alright, get your
g*ns together.'

Alright. Come on, get
'em. Go on after 'em.

- Come on, Cletus. Get in there.
- Go, go.

Looks like Ol' Rosco watched
the same cowboy movies I did.

You scrumped my posterior
an' you scrumped my watch.

You're lucky. Get
out of here. Git!

Follow me!

'Follow your leader.'

Uncle Jesse, this here's
Luke. We're on our way.

- 'Can you hear me?'
- I hear you, Luke.

sh**t up Plainview Road.
It'll save us a couple 'a miles!

Ooh, hot pursuit. Hot pursuit.

Okay, Charlie.
Yeah, raise it up there.

Easy now.

Raise it on up. Yeah,
easy. Easy now.

That's it. You got it.

Keep on goin'.

Bo, what in the heck is that?

'Hey, look out!'

Look out? What
good will that do?

Hang on.

Ooh!

Oh ho ho!

What a scuff. You-you dipstick!

You alright, Sheriff?

Get that big oversized
toothpick off my..

That's a big pole.

'You don't know what
that could've done to my..'

'Don't let me crash.'

Hey, right over
there. There he is.

- 'Glad to see you.'
- We're glad to see you, too.'

How bad is it, Uncle Jesse?

Well, it's a long way from
the heart, but it sure does hurt.

Yeah, you might've
torn somethin' pretty bad.

We gotta get you to Doc
Appleby. Don't put no weight on it.

Nice to see you boys. You
can give us a hand here.

Alright.

Looks like Ol' Doc Appleby
has to make a house call..

To the jailhouse.

- Just be careful, now.
- 'Uncle Jesse, hi.'

- You okay?
- Oh, I'm fine, fine, fine.

Just... Will you watch it?

Daisy came runnin'
over from the Boar's Nest

when she heard what had
happened to Uncle Jesse.

All the boys could do from that
cell was just watch an' wonder

what Boss Hogg had in
mind for them this time.

Rosco, Do you believe
Jesse's cock an' bull story

'bout being ambushed
with that diary?

- Uh, I-I do...
- So do I.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

But don't you ever, ever,
ever tell him, I said so.

No, I won't.

- The question is..
- What?

Who else would want to
use that diary against me?

Well, just 'bout
anybody in town.

Th-there's a phone.

J.D. Hogg.

'We ain't through with you yet.'

Avery an' me, uh, we
got this little red book

we think you might
be interested in.

What? What?

Avery an' Hadley have got
their hands on that diary of yours.

Ah, say 'bout the diary..

How do we know that
we're talkin' 'bout the one

an' the same book.

Well, I could, uh, read a
page or two of what's in it.

Well, it says here how, uh..

"Boss ran a stolen
car operation in ."

That's in there.
That's in there.

How he robbed his own bank
for the insurance money in .

Oh, that's in there too.

Oh, we figured this could
make real nice readin'

for the Federal
Marshal in Atlanta.

Oh, no, no, no!
No, don't do that.

Alright, alright, how much?

Twenty five thousand.

Deliver it in small bills
to the Sycamore Road

dead end in one hour.

An' no funny business.

'Cause you know how
good Avery is with a g*n.

They're blackmailin' me

with that dagblasted
dumb diary of yours.

Ah! What you got
here? Get me out of this.

Ah! You caught me again.

Listen, Boss.

Listen, listen.

I am just terribly sorry...

Yeah, well, bein' sorry
ain't gonna save me

from payin' out , simoleons
of my hard earned money.

- Well, maybe...
- Legal or illegal.

- Maybe, you know, if I could...
- Illegal money.

- Yeah, that's it.
- Illegal money, illegal money!

- Oh-oh, I got it, I got it.
- What? What?

Listen, we still have lots
of that counterfeit money

down in the evidence
bin, don't we?

- Yeah, it's down there, but...
- Oh, but me nothin'.

Listen, you go get it.

Because that's what I'm
payin' off Avery an' Hadley with.

Are you kiddin'? Listen, if they
found out that's funny money

that's gonna be hazardous
to anybody that delivers it.

Yeah, I know, I know.

That's why I'm gonna have
the Duke boys deliver it for me.

Oh!

In exchange for their freedom.

Oh, that's brilliant.
That's brilliant.

- Yeah, yeah, shh!
- I just love you.

Well, alright Jesse, Doc
got you back in one piece.

J.D., now you can just
let them boys outta jail

because when I tell you
them fellers bushwhacked me

'an' ran me off the
road, that's a livin' truth'

an' you know it.

Well, of course I do, Jesse.

In fact, I just heard from
them an' you know what?

They want $ , in
return for Rosco's diary.

Yeah, my guess is they're
just partners of your boys.

Partners?

Oh, now wait a minute,
they're no partners of ours.

We don't even know
who you're talkin' 'bout.

- Well, then prove it.
- How?

You just deliver that
money to them fellers

whoever they are, an'
bring back Rosco's diary.

That ought to
prove you innocent.

- What do we get outta that?
- You'll get outta jail, free.

'How's that go down with you?'

Plus, I'll destroy that big file
of charges I got against you.

Rosco, go show 'em that file.

Don't now boys, boys.

'Don't listen to J.D. He's gotta
have somethin' up his sleeve.'

Both sleeves, more likely!

Oh, Jesse, Jesse, the only
thing I got up my sleeve..

Is a one way ticket
to the state pen

if you boys don't
bring back that diary.

Uncle Jesse, we
gotta take the chance.

Alright Boss, we'll
deliver the money for you

an' we'll get that
dang diary back.

Well, that's more like
it. Alright, come on.

Let's go get that money.

Daisy, why don't you make
sure Uncle Jesse gets home okay.

Yeah, you bet I will.

You boys, I still don't
like what your doin', but..

Be careful.

Jesse headed home to
Daisy's tender lovin' care.

Rosco went to put that
phony $ , together.

An' all Bo an' Luke
could do was just sit there

like a sack of grits.

Just like these
two fellers waitin'

for Boss an' that money.

Boss gave Bo an' Luke
the bag filled with the money

an' sent them out to meet
them fellers to bring back

Ol' Rosco's diary.

Where are we meetin' these guys?

They said they'll be waitin'
at Sycamore Road, dead end.

But don't give 'em the money

until you get your
hands on the diary.

An' once you got the diary,
I'm sure Rosco wants you

to keep your
nosey eyes outta it.

Yes, yes, I don't want you
readin' 'bout my teddy bear.

Oh, hush.

Well, he'll read 'bout
your rubber ducky.

Hush! This time I mean it.

Rosco, you sure are makin'
that diary awful temptin' to read.

Well, there is page you can...

Oh, would you just zip
up? Here, take the money.

Get started.

An' you bring back that diary..

Unread. Now git.

- Yes, sir.
- Alrighty. Page , huh?

There, they're gonna take it.

- Bo.
- Hey, Luke.

- Bo.
- What?

Spare the paint job,
we ain't in a rush.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

Oh, g*n them tires.

There must be somethin'
awful, awful important in that diary

for Boss to part with
that kinda money.

Yeah, I don't feel none
too good 'bout it either.

It just don't seem right.

Think I hear a car comin'.

- You know what to do.
- I know what to do.

Alright, that's far enough.

Avery.

Alright.

Now, listen, we've got..

We got your money.

- I'm movin', alright?
- Bo.

- Where's the diary?
- I don't know you two.

Why didn't Boss
Hogg come himself?

Just lazy, I guess.

Hey, look, we're not
tryin' to pull anythin'

all we want is that diary.

You'll get the
money, we'll be gone.

But we'll teach you a lesson
for gangin' up on our uncle.

That ain't what
we came here for.

Yeah, take it easy.

An' hand over that money.

We wanna see that diary first.

See it?

Now, let's take a
look at that money.

Alright, here you go.

All that money look beautiful.

Go on, give 'em the
diary, let's get outta here.

Yeah, I would... if it was real.

But it ain't. Here, feel it.

Feels good enough.

But it ain't good enough.

Look at these slightly
smudged serial numbers.

'The U.S.A is a lot
more neat than that.'

We've been had.

I'll teach you a lesson.

Fights dirty, don't he?

I've lost my g*n. Come
on, let's get outta here.

Bo, can you drive?
I ain't feelin' up to it.

I-I can't see nothin', Luke.

One thing the
boys knew for sure.

They didn't bring that
diary back to Boss..

He'd throw his own book at 'em

figured that they was in
with them fellers, after all.

- You alright?
- I think so.

Once I start breathin'
I'll feel a lot better.

They're headin' up
Arrowhead Road.

What's wrong?

I don't think this dang thing
gonna make it up this hill.

They're slowin' down.

- Try the emergency break.
- I did.

It ain't workin' either.

- They're backin' up at us.
- You better reconsider.

Get outta the way!

We're gonna go over the
edge. Jump for it, Avery!

Quick, I smell gas.

Well, thank goodness
they got outta there alright.

But Rosco's diary didn't.

You know, some
days nothin' goes right.

Come on, come on.

Alright, listen now,
where's that diary?

You want it?

Go get it.

Are you kiddin' me? Come on.

Hold on, Bo. Come on.

They ain't worth
nothin' to us now.

'It is that diary.'

'Well, that's for sure.'

Well, the boys started
back to town to tell Boss

an' Rosco the good news
'bout the diary burnin' up.

But then Ol' Luke
thought of somethin'.

Well, there ain't no reason
for us to drive back into town

an' tell Boss the
diary b*rned up.

Give me one good reason why not?

He never believed us before,
why should he start now?

That's one good reason.

He'll still think we read it
an' robbed the blackmailer.

He's still got that file of
charges to hold over our head.

How the heck we gonna
get that thing away from him?

I only wish I knew.

If Boss had seen
that diary burn up

with his own beady little
eyes, we'd be outta this mess.

What'd we stop for?

I think you might've just
hit the nail on the head.

How'd I do that?

Well, what if Boss did get
to see that diary destroyed?

We just saw the dang thing
burn up with our own eyes.

Yeah, but he didn't.

All we gotta do is get
ourselves another diary

an' then let him see it get
destroyed, like... like that.

Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Now, how we gonna
get him out here to see it.

That's gonna take
a little plannin'.

I've got an idea.

Daisy, got your ears on?

A part of Luke's
plan was to get Daisy

to make a special trip over
to Rhuebottom's general store

an' buy another red
diary just like Roscos'.

An' meet the boys
over at Cooter's garage.

- Hey.
- Hey, fellers.

There you go.

- Alright.
- Oh, it's perfect.

Anythin' else you want me to do?

No, you just make sure
Uncle Jesse's okay, alright?

I'll make sure
he's off that foot.

An' hey, good luck!

Thanks a lot.

Time to call Boss.

Mabel, can you get me
Boss Hogg at City Hall office?

I'm a get me a ring-side
seat for this stunt.

Boss Hogg, this is Luke Duke.

Luke Duke, yeah. How you doin'?

You boys have any
trouble or anythin'?

I mean, have you got the diary?

Yeah, we got the diary, alright?

Oh, they got the diary.
They got the diary!

Well, alright.

Then why ain't you bringin' it
over here, instead of callin'?

I know.

This time you
actually read that diary

an' now, you're plannin'
to blackmail poor old Rosco

because of it, ain't you?

Or maybe you're gonna
use it to blackmail me, huh?

- Naughty naughty.
- Alright, how much?

We didn't read it.
We don't want money.

Uncle Jesse brought
us up better than that.

That's right. Your Uncle
Jesse, he is an honorable man.

An' I sure hope that
honor runs in the family.

They didn't read
it. So they say.

Alright, then, what
are you callin' me for?

Hold on, I just want to
check the original deal.

We give you the diary, you
give us that file of charges, right?

Yeah, right, right.
That's our deal.

You just bring me that diary
an' we'll forget everythin'.

We will forget.

You'll have that diary in your
little hands before you know it.

Alright. They're
bringin' it right over.

- Let's go, boys.
- Alright.

This I gotta see.

'Knock knock knock.'

- Come in.
- Come in.

- There it is!
- There it is.

Rosco's diary. Now,
hand over that charge file.

'Alright, alright.
Fair exchange.'

That for this, this for that.

Give it here.

I ain't sure I trust
you. Hand me that first.

Listen, I have a humongous idea.

Listen, on the count of three,
you both exchange, okay?

Agreed.

Okay, one, two..

I didn't say three.
You're cheatin'.

Wait a minute.
I've been thinkin'.

You've been tryin' to snooker
us Dukes at everythin' we own.

I think it's 'bout
time you paid for it.

Bo, listen, we had
a deal 'bout this.

No, sir, you made a deal with
Luke. You never talked to me.

Alright, Rosco, I'm
gonna take care of this.

Listen, I don't take kindly
makin' me look like a fool.

'Now, I promised
that man that diary.'

Luke, I thought
you'd be on my side.

He's been tryin' to snooker
us at everythin' we own.

'I ain't givin' it back,
not unless you pay for it.'

You think you're man
enough to go through me?

I think I can go through you.

- Bo, you're overactin'.
- Sorry.

Oh!

Tell him, give
us back the diary.

Oh!

Luke, you an' me are
through permanent.

As for you, Boss, if you ever
want to see this diary again

you gonna have to pay me
real good for it. You got it?

Wait a minute.

Hold on, Rosco. Let me drive.

I know every move of that
double dealin' cousin of mine.

Good idea. Let him drive.

Are you kiddin'? He can't drive.

He's no lawman. He
can't drive the Sheriff's car.

- Well, then deputize me.
- Yeah, deputize him.

The diary's gettin' away.

I can't just go, poof,
you're a deputy.

Go poof or you're fired.

- Poof, you're a deputy.
- Come on.

Alright, here we go!

Cooter sure did enjoy
the boys performance.

But it wasn't over yet.

Bo's gonna try an' lose
us at Cottontail Road.

Listen up, Bo, I'd hate to
have to run you off the road.

You ain't runnin'
nobody of no road, Cuz.

'First of, you gotta learn how
to drive in order to do that.'

Uh, it sounds like they mean
it. You sure they're actin'?

Oh, I'm positive, Uncle Jesse.

- sh**t, he's gonna jump.
- Oh, no.

Yee-hoo!

Here we go.

Alright, Bo, hand
over that diary.

You gotta come get it, Luke.

Alright.

You win.

There's your dairy.

Good work, good work, Luke.

Now, just hand over the dairy.

Set that file of
charges right there.

Set the file of charges on
General Lee an' back up.

There we had a
deal. There it is.

An' now step back.

Step back. What you
gonna do, throw it?

- Alright, well, throw it.
- Catch.

My diary. My
precious little diary.

All my precious memories, gone.

'Oh, quit your cryin'.'

Most of which were in
there was 'bout me, wasn't it?

Good riddance to that thing.

Now that that diary has all been
shredded into itty-bitty pieces

there's no reason
for you boys to keep

that file of charges
against you, so hand it over.

It ain't our fault you
couldn't catch that diary.

- Rosco, just go get it.
- Yeah, give me that file.

It's your fault.
It's your fault.

I mean it took me
years, just squeezin', pinchin'

an' doin' everythin'
to get all that charges.

Now, the boys finished
up their little play lit

by makin' up with each other
in front of Boss an' Rosco.

Ol' Boss made Rosco promise
that he'd never write anythin'

on paper again, unless it was
a citation against the Dukes.

Which meant startin'
up a whole new file

of charges against 'em.

Jesse an' Daisy just loved
hearin' the whole story

'bout all that play act.

You know 'em Duke
boys ain't half bad.

Right into the shredder.

That is for Hazzard County.